So it has been a long time since I have blogged. As with most people, my life ebbs and flows in ways that sometimes limit my abilities to blog, either from lack of time/space, or lack of motivation to write, or difficulty in figuring out what is appropriate to blog about and what is not. So the past month or so has seen a bit of all three.
So, some happenings from the past few weeks to update on:
1) In early February my car decided to begin having serious trouble, and after a few attempted repairs, I contact the school to let them know that the car would likely not last the month in transporting the kids to school as it is over 110 miles every day to do so. So, starting on February 11, the boys began being transported by the school. Thankfully, unlike the 2 weeks from hell this past summer, they are both riding well. It helps that the driver and aide were prepared by the experiences from the summer, and the aide is actually sitting in the back of the van with the kids, instead of just riding copilot with the driver (which is oddly how many aides ride even though the whole point of having an aide on the bus/van is to manage the kids not just provide conversation to the driver). G is dropped off 20 minutes into the ride,so the time the boys are together on the van is limited. In the afternoon,they ride separate buses back. Both kids are doing well with the change. This now means that I am home during the day AND have lost my primary income source, as I was getting mileage reimbursement for the transportation and was using about 1/3 of the reimbursement to cover some of our basic household costs, as the other 2/3 were required for the gasoline and basic maintenance of the car. So, it is an adjustment both in location and in finances which I am trying to resolve.
2) My fairly new relationship with JM is going very well. It has been a long time since I have had that silly twitter-pated feeling
(From the movie Bambi "Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them?
Thumper: Why are they acting that way?
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated.
Flower, Thumper, Bambi: Twitterpated?
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!" ). Dictionary.com also defines it as " excited or overcome by romantic feelings; smitten."
It is a wonderful, amazing experience, and one that is stronger than I have felt with my previous relationship...maybe because I am older, or because I know more about who I want in my life and how I want to be treated, or because I have met a handful of not compatible people over the past year, or maybe I have just found an amazing person that I can connect deeply with on a number of levels. So spending time each weekend with JM has also taken some of my time and energy, and also given me energy and joy.
3) School break was last week...9 days of the kids without school. We had a very eventful week. The first weekend, my best friend KP drove out from the Boston area (six hours away) to spend Friday evening through Monday morning with us. We had a great time visiting with her. She also go to meet my new dear, as JM came down for the day/evening on Saturday living 2 hours apart limits the time we get to spend together, so I am very glad my best friend got a chance to spend time getting to know my honey). The boys were at AB's house (my ex) for Friday night, so we went down and picked them up Saturday evening and KP, JM, myself and the boys all went out for dinner at the Outback, courtesy of KP! We had a great time the whole weekend, hung out at home all day sunday, did some shopping and stuff on Monday before she headed back home. Then throughout the week, my niece and nephew came to play while my sister was at work. So the boys had playmates all week. And one of Josiah's friends from his time in Kindergarten came over for a couple of hours on Thursday, so they had fun reconnecting. Then, over the second weekend the boys and I were invited up to JM's house to meet the family and spend a couple of days there, which was great. They headed back to school on Monday, though ave today off as a snow day as the roads were icy this morning and it has been snowing heavily since mid-morning. I was supposed to do a training run on the buses that transport disabled adults from their residences to their day hab program, I am going to be an on call sub for them, which will hopefully bring in some income. But alas with the weather, everything was canceled this morning.
4) My health has taken a back seat to other things, and as such,I have felt more yucky than normal. I had been doing well with exercising at the YMCA, but alas with the inability to drive down every day, that has not been happening. I did get an old elliptical machine out of the garage and am trying to get it working again. But I have not been very focused on it. I also have not been doing well with my food choices. So I feel run down and tired much of the time. I need to renew my commitment to improving my overall health, particularly via my choices in food and exercise/activity.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sorry for the hiatus...
It has been a busy couple of week and i have not had a lot of time to blog. Tow weeks ago I started exercising at the YMCA in the mornings after dropping my son off at school. the first week I had no hiccups and went all five days, exercising for at least 35 minutes each time, and then getting ready for my day. Last week, the second week, I did not make it even one day as each day something came up that got int he way.
Monday the 28th, i had to drive out to Syracuse, which is 2 1/2 hours away on a good day, for the boys to have their appointment with their neuro-developmental specialist. Of course I did not realize I was driving into an ice storm, as the weather said it was supposed to stay snow for the area I was traveling through until around 4pm. Most of the way out was just snow, but as I got within 45 minutes of the hospital, i hit ice falling from the sky, so that last leg took a lot longer than expected, so we were late. But then, most patients were coming in at odd times because of the weather, so they had a lot of chaos at the doctors office. So we were in the tiny little room for 3 hours, which in the end created too much stress for the kids. So it was meltdown city--a very difficult day. Then the way back was in the midst of a massive ice storm and it took nearly 5 hours to get home. It was one of the longest and most stressful days, particularly the drive home on ice covered roads where I had to keep stopping and scraping the ice off my wind shield.
So Tuesday I was exhausted, woke up late, realized Josiah had no school that day due to a staff development day at school,and ended up just vegging with him at home all day, and trying to recuperate from the exhaustion of Monday.
Wednesday Josiah had school but Gonzo's school was delayed, so I did not take my stuff for the gym because I would have to drop Josiah off and then run back up to drop Gonzo off. But when we got to Josiah's school (an hour away from home), G's teacher's aide had left a message for them to give me to tell me that g's school had been closed for the day due to road conditions in the outlying areas. So G and I had the day to hang out.
Thursday A had an interview and I was the ride to and from. I had planned to work out that day and dropped some clothes off to A right after dropping Jos off at school, figured i'd have time to work out and then go back to give A a ride to the interview, but A asked me to stay for moral support. The interview did go well, so hopefully A will be starting a new job as a car salesman again, which A does excel at.
Friday I dropped the kids off and then went to pick up someone who I met a few weeks ago who is becoming very special to my life. I have found a person that makes me very happy, that I love talking to and spending time with. While we live 2 hours apart, we are able to connect via phone and computer daily, and have spent at least a day together each weekend the past couple of weekends. So, i had a wonderful Friday with a very special person. Thank you J.
Today I did not go tot he gym as A was supposed to have another interview that I was going to be the chauffeur for, but alas when I go to A's apartment, I found that the interview had been canceled. but I had not brought my workout clothes or even my sneakers, so there was no going to he gym. So I ran around and did errands instead for a couple of hours and now I am at the library, trying to catch up on my woefully behind writing and blogging. Tomorrow I will definitely be picking back up at the gym! I felt good when I exercised every day!
And I will start food tracking again. It is so easy to get away from it when life gets hectic and busy. I need to find a way to solidify that commitment a bit more and make it more a natural part of my day rather than it being "something I have to fit in". This week I am also getting blood work done and will schedule an appointment to see the doctor next week to go over the blood work and figure out how to manage my blood sugar better. So, the ball is rolling on that. I will post the results/decisions about that once I have them.
And I will be trying to get back to blogging 4-5 days a week, as I also am more motivated when i am sharing my eating, exercise, and other life transforming activities with all you readers. Blessings abound to you.
Monday the 28th, i had to drive out to Syracuse, which is 2 1/2 hours away on a good day, for the boys to have their appointment with their neuro-developmental specialist. Of course I did not realize I was driving into an ice storm, as the weather said it was supposed to stay snow for the area I was traveling through until around 4pm. Most of the way out was just snow, but as I got within 45 minutes of the hospital, i hit ice falling from the sky, so that last leg took a lot longer than expected, so we were late. But then, most patients were coming in at odd times because of the weather, so they had a lot of chaos at the doctors office. So we were in the tiny little room for 3 hours, which in the end created too much stress for the kids. So it was meltdown city--a very difficult day. Then the way back was in the midst of a massive ice storm and it took nearly 5 hours to get home. It was one of the longest and most stressful days, particularly the drive home on ice covered roads where I had to keep stopping and scraping the ice off my wind shield.
So Tuesday I was exhausted, woke up late, realized Josiah had no school that day due to a staff development day at school,and ended up just vegging with him at home all day, and trying to recuperate from the exhaustion of Monday.
Wednesday Josiah had school but Gonzo's school was delayed, so I did not take my stuff for the gym because I would have to drop Josiah off and then run back up to drop Gonzo off. But when we got to Josiah's school (an hour away from home), G's teacher's aide had left a message for them to give me to tell me that g's school had been closed for the day due to road conditions in the outlying areas. So G and I had the day to hang out.
Thursday A had an interview and I was the ride to and from. I had planned to work out that day and dropped some clothes off to A right after dropping Jos off at school, figured i'd have time to work out and then go back to give A a ride to the interview, but A asked me to stay for moral support. The interview did go well, so hopefully A will be starting a new job as a car salesman again, which A does excel at.
Friday I dropped the kids off and then went to pick up someone who I met a few weeks ago who is becoming very special to my life. I have found a person that makes me very happy, that I love talking to and spending time with. While we live 2 hours apart, we are able to connect via phone and computer daily, and have spent at least a day together each weekend the past couple of weekends. So, i had a wonderful Friday with a very special person. Thank you J.
Today I did not go tot he gym as A was supposed to have another interview that I was going to be the chauffeur for, but alas when I go to A's apartment, I found that the interview had been canceled. but I had not brought my workout clothes or even my sneakers, so there was no going to he gym. So I ran around and did errands instead for a couple of hours and now I am at the library, trying to catch up on my woefully behind writing and blogging. Tomorrow I will definitely be picking back up at the gym! I felt good when I exercised every day!
And I will start food tracking again. It is so easy to get away from it when life gets hectic and busy. I need to find a way to solidify that commitment a bit more and make it more a natural part of my day rather than it being "something I have to fit in". This week I am also getting blood work done and will schedule an appointment to see the doctor next week to go over the blood work and figure out how to manage my blood sugar better. So, the ball is rolling on that. I will post the results/decisions about that once I have them.
And I will be trying to get back to blogging 4-5 days a week, as I also am more motivated when i am sharing my eating, exercise, and other life transforming activities with all you readers. Blessings abound to you.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Day 11 New Start--interconnected issues
Well, I am again finding that the more I focus on trying to drastically transform my body, the more my body image issues and things related to that arise. Particularly when those include larger-scale changes in eating habits (I have been able to make many small, healthy changes to my eating habits over the past couple of years that have really gotten incorporated into my normal way of living--whole grains instead of process/enriched grains, 5+ servings of Fruits and veggies every day, drinking at least 8-10 cups of water a day, choosing raw/fresh/frozen over processed foods, etc...).
So while my overall eating habits concerning WHAT i put into my body have improved greatly over the past two year, I still struggle with portion control and emotional eating challenges. I do not often talk about these in detail on this blog, though I have mentioned them on numerous occasions I have to say that I am realizing how big of an obstacle the emotional ties to food/eating are in my life.
I could sit and try to figure out WHY--
do I associate food with love?,
do I use food to stuff down uncomfortable feelings?
Do I use food to keep from expressing anger?
Do I use it to bury shame?
Do I use food and body size to keep people (particularly potential romantic partners) at arms length?
Is it a form of self-sabbatog?
Is it an expression of self-hatred?
Is it a form of slow suicide?
Is it a buffer zone created to keep from being hurt emotionally?
Do I keep my excess fat as a way to have something to blame if people do not like me?
Is it a little bit of any or all of these things at different times?
But I have worked on looking at all of these different angels, and while they were important to identify (as it is not just one thing that creates my unhealthy relationship with food), knowing the potential "why's" does not solve the problem. At this point, going round and round about the potential "why's" is really just a distraction, each one of the above is part of psyche of my fatness and body image issues. The why's are not simple and straightforward, there is a lot of complexity, both to how those why's are formed, and how to understand them, but that can not be my focus right now. Sure I do need to chip away at a variety of old, stale, untrue beliefs, and work through some experiences that I am hanging on to that cause me to react in self-sabbatoging ways (not just eating habits , but those can be worked on simultaneously while changing behavior. They have to be actually, as the behavior and the experience thoughts/psychological reaction to those things are all intertwined.
What I need to focus on now though, is not the WHY am I fat, why do I eat the way I do, why do I make the choices I make--I already have a lot of those answers. The focus now needs to be on HOW. HOW do I change those behaviors? How do I better cope with those challenging emotions/memories/thoughts that come up when trying to change my physical body? HOW do i keep moving forward on the path towards better health? What do I need to do at each step, to keep moving forward to a better transformation, a healthier me?
That is what I need to work on more, and let the why be processed as it needs to be. Behavior modification I think, is going to have to become much more central to my process than psychological understanding. While I have worked on both fronts, and will continue to, I think it will be the behavioral changes that are going to be a greater focus now....
Real quick--food journal for today so far--2 eggs scrambled with onions and green peppers, 3 cups of coffee with half&half, and 5 cups of water....time to pick up the kids....
So while my overall eating habits concerning WHAT i put into my body have improved greatly over the past two year, I still struggle with portion control and emotional eating challenges. I do not often talk about these in detail on this blog, though I have mentioned them on numerous occasions I have to say that I am realizing how big of an obstacle the emotional ties to food/eating are in my life.
I could sit and try to figure out WHY--
do I associate food with love?,
do I use food to stuff down uncomfortable feelings?
Do I use food to keep from expressing anger?
Do I use it to bury shame?
Do I use food and body size to keep people (particularly potential romantic partners) at arms length?
Is it a form of self-sabbatog?
Is it an expression of self-hatred?
Is it a form of slow suicide?
Is it a buffer zone created to keep from being hurt emotionally?
Do I keep my excess fat as a way to have something to blame if people do not like me?
Is it a little bit of any or all of these things at different times?
But I have worked on looking at all of these different angels, and while they were important to identify (as it is not just one thing that creates my unhealthy relationship with food), knowing the potential "why's" does not solve the problem. At this point, going round and round about the potential "why's" is really just a distraction, each one of the above is part of psyche of my fatness and body image issues. The why's are not simple and straightforward, there is a lot of complexity, both to how those why's are formed, and how to understand them, but that can not be my focus right now. Sure I do need to chip away at a variety of old, stale, untrue beliefs, and work through some experiences that I am hanging on to that cause me to react in self-sabbatoging ways (not just eating habits , but those can be worked on simultaneously while changing behavior. They have to be actually, as the behavior and the experience thoughts/psychological reaction to those things are all intertwined.
What I need to focus on now though, is not the WHY am I fat, why do I eat the way I do, why do I make the choices I make--I already have a lot of those answers. The focus now needs to be on HOW. HOW do I change those behaviors? How do I better cope with those challenging emotions/memories/thoughts that come up when trying to change my physical body? HOW do i keep moving forward on the path towards better health? What do I need to do at each step, to keep moving forward to a better transformation, a healthier me?
That is what I need to work on more, and let the why be processed as it needs to be. Behavior modification I think, is going to have to become much more central to my process than psychological understanding. While I have worked on both fronts, and will continue to, I think it will be the behavioral changes that are going to be a greater focus now....
Real quick--food journal for today so far--2 eggs scrambled with onions and green peppers, 3 cups of coffee with half&half, and 5 cups of water....time to pick up the kids....
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Day 10 New Start--
Well, I did not post yesterday, but that is okay.
I did weigh myself again this morning, after that weird weight from the other day and I am at 282, so DOWN 3 pounds from the initial day 1 weigh in. Probably some weird water weight or something a couple of days ago.
Today's post is just that quick bit. I hope to log in later when I get home to do my food journal and maybe some reflection, but for now,my time is short...
I did weigh myself again this morning, after that weird weight from the other day and I am at 282, so DOWN 3 pounds from the initial day 1 weigh in. Probably some weird water weight or something a couple of days ago.
Today's post is just that quick bit. I hope to log in later when I get home to do my food journal and maybe some reflection, but for now,my time is short...
Monday, January 14, 2013
Day 8 New Start 2013--weird scale
Okay, so as I begin my second week of this new start to transforming my physical health, I stepped on the scale to see how my eating the last week impacted my weight, most of which was less than normal aside from two days that I went a little squirrely and ate like I had been eating, and I was discouraged. Last week I weighed in at 285.2 lbs, so yes, I had gained some back over the holidays. But I ate like a fool over the holidays. Sure I kept up with the higher amounts of fruits and veggies, and lower amounts of commercially processed foods (aside from candy....is it any wonder my blood sugar has gone haywire?), but I did eat too much on many days and far too many simple sugars over the holiday season. So it had not surprised me last week when I was back up to 285. What did surprise me was that today the scale read 290.0 lbs, which does NOT make sense, as I have been eating less this week, and even doing some exercise. So, yeah, I am feeling a bit discouraged, but also further motivated to push down two numbers--my blood sugar number and the number on the scale.
So this week, I am committing to redoubling my efforts. I will not let emotional eating get the best of me, so instead of eating to feel better when attacked by strong and/or irrational emotions, I will:
--Stop and breathe, concentrating on my breathing until the flood subsides or at least lessens
--Get out and WALK, even if it is just 50 feet, to try to move the emotive chemicals in my body around and expend some energy
--Drink Tea or water
As a preventative measure to preemptively control challenging bouts of emotion which may increase the desire to eat for non-nutrient based reasons, I will:
--Try to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night (wouldn't that be something!?!)
--Exercise, walking or elliptical or step-ups, at least 45 minutes a day
--Pre-plan meals for the week, and stick to the plan
--Avoid stress-causing situations as much as it is possible to do so
--spend 10-30 minutes each day in meditation/prayer/contemplation
--make a reaonable to do list, amd focus on completing it
--Forgive myself for the tasks I did not finish today without negative self-talk
So today's food diary:
(Thus far 12:04 pm)
2 hard boiled eggs with salt
16 oz coffee with 1.5 TBS milk
5 cups water
Plan for the rest of the day:
lunch:
3 oz tuna
2 small dill pickles
1 TBS thousand island dressing
1.5 cups broccoli crowns raw
3 cups water
snack:
apple
1/4 cup almonds
tea
dinner:
3-5 oz lean steak
1.5 cups spinach, steamed
1 cup Kale, raw
1 TBS vinegar
tea
snack 2:
3 celery stalks, large
1/4 cup salsa
1.5 TBS sour cream
tea
So this week, I am committing to redoubling my efforts. I will not let emotional eating get the best of me, so instead of eating to feel better when attacked by strong and/or irrational emotions, I will:
--Stop and breathe, concentrating on my breathing until the flood subsides or at least lessens
--Get out and WALK, even if it is just 50 feet, to try to move the emotive chemicals in my body around and expend some energy
--Drink Tea or water
As a preventative measure to preemptively control challenging bouts of emotion which may increase the desire to eat for non-nutrient based reasons, I will:
--Try to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night (wouldn't that be something!?!)
--Exercise, walking or elliptical or step-ups, at least 45 minutes a day
--Pre-plan meals for the week, and stick to the plan
--Avoid stress-causing situations as much as it is possible to do so
--spend 10-30 minutes each day in meditation/prayer/contemplation
--make a reaonable to do list, amd focus on completing it
--Forgive myself for the tasks I did not finish today without negative self-talk
So today's food diary:
(Thus far 12:04 pm)
2 hard boiled eggs with salt
16 oz coffee with 1.5 TBS milk
5 cups water
Plan for the rest of the day:
lunch:
3 oz tuna
2 small dill pickles
1 TBS thousand island dressing
1.5 cups broccoli crowns raw
3 cups water
snack:
apple
1/4 cup almonds
tea
dinner:
3-5 oz lean steak
1.5 cups spinach, steamed
1 cup Kale, raw
1 TBS vinegar
tea
snack 2:
3 celery stalks, large
1/4 cup salsa
1.5 TBS sour cream
tea
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 7 what is working and what is not
Okay, so we are starting day 7 of the New start of this weight loss/life transformation journey, and I have been thinking about what has been working and what has not.
As I have started this new commitment to transforming my life and my health, I have found that quick changes do not work for me. Honestly, for me, the idea of having a slim body is not enough to motivate me to better health, mostly because I know I am so much more than my body and up until recently, i have always been able to do what I wanted to do with my body the size and shape it is. However, there are a number of things I am finding I am not able to do, like take long walks without getting winded (and by extension climb mountains) , easily climb up and over obstacles like snow banks (and by extension being able to tide pool), sit on the floor (and get back up) playing games with the kids without pain, sit anywhere for more than 15 minutes without pain, etc.... Over the past couple of years, my body, even though it has been overly large for most of my life, and all of my adult life, is progressively deciding that I can not do all I used to do. I used to be a big woman that could still go for long walks, climb mountains without a problem, scramble over rocky, steep, and jagged shores to find fascinating tide pools (even if it mean almost being swept into the sea by a rouge wave from time to time), I could get through dense woods with no trails, I could play games with toddlers, getting up and down from the floor frequently and quickly, I could even sit and watch a movie without needing to constantly shift my position (though I rarely sit still anyway). I was a big woman, but a very active and capable big woman, so size did not deter me from doing any of the activities that I wanted to.
So, these changes in my abilities to do all of the things I want to do have been a large motivator in this push to a new start. Part of the timing also has to do with life circumstances--life is stable and calm enough right now for me to actually be able to focus on this without a million other stresses swooping in. The house is done enough to live in, with a million small projects for improvement--which is normal for a house. My routine is pretty stable and has regular down time in it that can be used for self-improvement and health focused exercises. My routine is very flexible, allowing for me to meet the kids needs. I have a mostly stable,though low, income, and depend on a certain amount every month from various sources, which means I can do a living budget (while it is not enough to actually start paying off old debts, it is finally enough to make ends meet on a monthly basis--someday I will generate enough income to pay off back debts, but for right now, being able to finally make ends meet for basic living needs is a huge blessing). I also currently have some external social/emotional supports which helps me to keep on an even keel. While my social life is seriously truncated due to a couple of factors (mainly the fact that I have 2 kids with special needs that required a LOT more in a babysitter than most can offer at the price that I can pay). So, in general, life is settling in to a more stable, predictable level, where I can move from surviving and into thriving.
So this better place in daily life, coupled with the loss of ability to do some of the things I always took for granted, have created a good space from which to focus on changing my body composition. So, this first week has had its ups and downs. There has been some trial and error about what is going to work for me eating wise, and what does not work at all. I have had a number of slips into old habits this week, improving bit by bit. It is a change not really of how I act, but more of how I think and perceive, which in turn changes how I relate to food and why I eat what I eat. This week I have been able to do some perception shifting, and some good insight into why I eat what I eat, and how to change the why. Changing the why in turn changes the behavior. Action stems from thought, and just changing the action, like dieting as a short term solution, is not going to change the problem long term. It is why many diets fail, even in people who are devoted and dedicated to the the diet, who lose 40, 60, 100 pounds while strictly adhering to the diet, and then once they reach their goal, gain back what they lost plus some. It is because they (and I) have not changed an inner perspective, and inner relationship with food and eating. So i am finding this week, that I am changing my relationship with food, which in turn is making it easier to change my eating habits. It is not an overnight shift, it is a progressive shift, and I am on the path to making a permanent change in the way I relate to food.
Another factor that has really come to the for front over the past 2-3 days is my blood sugar. It was up and down and kind of unpredictable for a while, ever since I found out I was diabetic a couple of years ago. And it used to be easy to shift back down to lower levels with tweaks in my eating, so I did not worry about it too much, because even if it was stupidly high one day after a couple of days of bad eating, I could bring it back down into the "normal diabetic target range" with a couple of days of eating better. However this week, I have found that even with much lower carb days, my blood sugar is staying consistently too high. That, THAT, is scary to me. I have been focusing on it a lot since September when I found out my wildly swinging blood sugar was negatively impacting my eyes, but through the holidays, I have not been careful AND not been monitoring it (that idea that if I ignore it I can pretend it isn't real idea that never actually works). And now that I am back to monitoring it daily, I am finding it to be a bigger deal that it has been in the past. So, I now have a number that is a thousand time more important than the number on the scale. It is the number that tells me whether my life will be healthy and long, or painful and fraught with medical issues. So THAT is a number I can get behind, that is a number goal that really means something to me. So this week, the blood sugar scare works far better to motivate me to better health than any number on a scale ever could. So that is one of my primary focuses now.
So, today's food diary is:
as of 10:15am:
3/4 cottage cheese
1/2 grapefruit
16 oz black tea
3 cups water
As I have started this new commitment to transforming my life and my health, I have found that quick changes do not work for me. Honestly, for me, the idea of having a slim body is not enough to motivate me to better health, mostly because I know I am so much more than my body and up until recently, i have always been able to do what I wanted to do with my body the size and shape it is. However, there are a number of things I am finding I am not able to do, like take long walks without getting winded (and by extension climb mountains) , easily climb up and over obstacles like snow banks (and by extension being able to tide pool), sit on the floor (and get back up) playing games with the kids without pain, sit anywhere for more than 15 minutes without pain, etc.... Over the past couple of years, my body, even though it has been overly large for most of my life, and all of my adult life, is progressively deciding that I can not do all I used to do. I used to be a big woman that could still go for long walks, climb mountains without a problem, scramble over rocky, steep, and jagged shores to find fascinating tide pools (even if it mean almost being swept into the sea by a rouge wave from time to time), I could get through dense woods with no trails, I could play games with toddlers, getting up and down from the floor frequently and quickly, I could even sit and watch a movie without needing to constantly shift my position (though I rarely sit still anyway). I was a big woman, but a very active and capable big woman, so size did not deter me from doing any of the activities that I wanted to.
So, these changes in my abilities to do all of the things I want to do have been a large motivator in this push to a new start. Part of the timing also has to do with life circumstances--life is stable and calm enough right now for me to actually be able to focus on this without a million other stresses swooping in. The house is done enough to live in, with a million small projects for improvement--which is normal for a house. My routine is pretty stable and has regular down time in it that can be used for self-improvement and health focused exercises. My routine is very flexible, allowing for me to meet the kids needs. I have a mostly stable,though low, income, and depend on a certain amount every month from various sources, which means I can do a living budget (while it is not enough to actually start paying off old debts, it is finally enough to make ends meet on a monthly basis--someday I will generate enough income to pay off back debts, but for right now, being able to finally make ends meet for basic living needs is a huge blessing). I also currently have some external social/emotional supports which helps me to keep on an even keel. While my social life is seriously truncated due to a couple of factors (mainly the fact that I have 2 kids with special needs that required a LOT more in a babysitter than most can offer at the price that I can pay). So, in general, life is settling in to a more stable, predictable level, where I can move from surviving and into thriving.
So this better place in daily life, coupled with the loss of ability to do some of the things I always took for granted, have created a good space from which to focus on changing my body composition. So, this first week has had its ups and downs. There has been some trial and error about what is going to work for me eating wise, and what does not work at all. I have had a number of slips into old habits this week, improving bit by bit. It is a change not really of how I act, but more of how I think and perceive, which in turn changes how I relate to food and why I eat what I eat. This week I have been able to do some perception shifting, and some good insight into why I eat what I eat, and how to change the why. Changing the why in turn changes the behavior. Action stems from thought, and just changing the action, like dieting as a short term solution, is not going to change the problem long term. It is why many diets fail, even in people who are devoted and dedicated to the the diet, who lose 40, 60, 100 pounds while strictly adhering to the diet, and then once they reach their goal, gain back what they lost plus some. It is because they (and I) have not changed an inner perspective, and inner relationship with food and eating. So i am finding this week, that I am changing my relationship with food, which in turn is making it easier to change my eating habits. It is not an overnight shift, it is a progressive shift, and I am on the path to making a permanent change in the way I relate to food.
Another factor that has really come to the for front over the past 2-3 days is my blood sugar. It was up and down and kind of unpredictable for a while, ever since I found out I was diabetic a couple of years ago. And it used to be easy to shift back down to lower levels with tweaks in my eating, so I did not worry about it too much, because even if it was stupidly high one day after a couple of days of bad eating, I could bring it back down into the "normal diabetic target range" with a couple of days of eating better. However this week, I have found that even with much lower carb days, my blood sugar is staying consistently too high. That, THAT, is scary to me. I have been focusing on it a lot since September when I found out my wildly swinging blood sugar was negatively impacting my eyes, but through the holidays, I have not been careful AND not been monitoring it (that idea that if I ignore it I can pretend it isn't real idea that never actually works). And now that I am back to monitoring it daily, I am finding it to be a bigger deal that it has been in the past. So, I now have a number that is a thousand time more important than the number on the scale. It is the number that tells me whether my life will be healthy and long, or painful and fraught with medical issues. So THAT is a number I can get behind, that is a number goal that really means something to me. So this week, the blood sugar scare works far better to motivate me to better health than any number on a scale ever could. So that is one of my primary focuses now.
So, today's food diary is:
as of 10:15am:
3/4 cottage cheese
1/2 grapefruit
16 oz black tea
3 cups water
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Day 6 of a New Start 2013
Okay, so last night after dropping the kids off for their weekly overnight with A, the warm (>32 degrees F) rain was melting the snow and ice on the roof, and my bedroom ceiling was leaking horribly!! I know the roof needs work, and I had hoped to get things done before winter, but had not had too many issues over the summer so figured it could wait until next year. But the ice creates a dam and the melting snow and rain backed up on the roof, and now I have a wet ceiling and wall and carpet (as it had been leaking for a couple of hours before I got home and put a bucket under the leak),and bubbling paint where the water was UNDER the paint both on the ceiling and the wall. So I spent sometime crouching and crawling around in the attic last night trying to do some make-shift water re-routing to reduce the damage.
It was a good thing I did too, because there were sections where the insulation had not been laid back down after work was done in a number of places in the attic. So I had been losing heat in a number of places through the ceiling,as there were a lot of exposed little pockets. So it is now all laid back down, so hopefully I will not lose so much heat.My makeshift water routing did not work well,as the ceiling continued to drip for a number of hours after wards. But at least my bedroom, which had been FREEZING to the point that I have been sleeping in Josiah's room for the past 10 days or so (Josiah had been having trouble sleeping, so I had set the trundle bed up in Gonzo's room a few weeks ago, as he slept better when he was not alone, so he has not been sleeping in his bed anyway).
Today was a calmer day, hung out with the rabbits, cleaned their cage,did some laundry, did some dishes, and vacuumed the house, then went to A's house to pick the kids up (an hour away), drive home, made dinner, and now am about to put the rugrats to bed. I did not get as much done today as I had planned, but that is okay, tomorrow is a new day.
I did, however do very well with my eating today, as my blood sugar has been scarily high lately, so I am extra motivated to get it down. So, my food tracking for today is:
2 eggs fried in coconut oil
1 apple
3 cups of coffee w/milk
2 cups water
Tuna fish 1/2 cup
1 TBS thousand island dressing
2 small dill pickles
(the above all mixed together)
1.5 cups of raw broccoli
3 cups water
1 Breakstone Live and Active 4oz cottage cheese
1 cup coffee w/cream and 1 sugar packet
2 cups Shrimp Stir Fry (no carb underneath for me--kids had whole wheat egg noodles under theirs)
3/4 cup cottage cheese (regular)
Shrimp Stirfry Recipe
over medium heat:
2 TBS coconut oil melted in wok
stir in 3/4 cup chopped onion, caramelize
add in two cloves fresh garlic, finely chopped
Add in 6 sliced fresh mushrooms, stir occasionally until slightly softened
Add in one broccoli crown,copped (about 3 cups)
Add 1 cup water, stir well
Add 2 cups chopped fresh spinach
stir well, add spices (I used tarragon, basil, and oregano tonight--curry is really good in this dish)
Add 8 oz frozen tiny or small shrimp (heads and tails removed, de-veined--I used precooked ones as they were on sale)
stir well
cover and let simmer for 5-10minutes
uncover for last 3 minutes and let cook down to desired liquid amount
serve hot, either as is, or over brown rice or whole wheat egg noodles.
*update*
ate a larger snack than I expected
--1 can condensed chicken noodle soup (I know processed crap)
--1/2 cup cottage cheese
--3 cups of herbal tea
all totaled though, I had only 1421 calories and 111 grams of carbs today, so mostly within my limits.
It was a good thing I did too, because there were sections where the insulation had not been laid back down after work was done in a number of places in the attic. So I had been losing heat in a number of places through the ceiling,as there were a lot of exposed little pockets. So it is now all laid back down, so hopefully I will not lose so much heat.My makeshift water routing did not work well,as the ceiling continued to drip for a number of hours after wards. But at least my bedroom, which had been FREEZING to the point that I have been sleeping in Josiah's room for the past 10 days or so (Josiah had been having trouble sleeping, so I had set the trundle bed up in Gonzo's room a few weeks ago, as he slept better when he was not alone, so he has not been sleeping in his bed anyway).
Today was a calmer day, hung out with the rabbits, cleaned their cage,did some laundry, did some dishes, and vacuumed the house, then went to A's house to pick the kids up (an hour away), drive home, made dinner, and now am about to put the rugrats to bed. I did not get as much done today as I had planned, but that is okay, tomorrow is a new day.
I did, however do very well with my eating today, as my blood sugar has been scarily high lately, so I am extra motivated to get it down. So, my food tracking for today is:
2 eggs fried in coconut oil
1 apple
3 cups of coffee w/milk
2 cups water
Tuna fish 1/2 cup
1 TBS thousand island dressing
2 small dill pickles
(the above all mixed together)
1.5 cups of raw broccoli
3 cups water
1 Breakstone Live and Active 4oz cottage cheese
1 cup coffee w/cream and 1 sugar packet
2 cups Shrimp Stir Fry (no carb underneath for me--kids had whole wheat egg noodles under theirs)
3/4 cup cottage cheese (regular)
Shrimp Stirfry Recipe
over medium heat:
2 TBS coconut oil melted in wok
stir in 3/4 cup chopped onion, caramelize
add in two cloves fresh garlic, finely chopped
Add in 6 sliced fresh mushrooms, stir occasionally until slightly softened
Add in one broccoli crown,copped (about 3 cups)
Add 1 cup water, stir well
Add 2 cups chopped fresh spinach
stir well, add spices (I used tarragon, basil, and oregano tonight--curry is really good in this dish)
Add 8 oz frozen tiny or small shrimp (heads and tails removed, de-veined--I used precooked ones as they were on sale)
stir well
cover and let simmer for 5-10minutes
uncover for last 3 minutes and let cook down to desired liquid amount
serve hot, either as is, or over brown rice or whole wheat egg noodles.
*update*
ate a larger snack than I expected
--1 can condensed chicken noodle soup (I know processed crap)
--1/2 cup cottage cheese
--3 cups of herbal tea
all totaled though, I had only 1421 calories and 111 grams of carbs today, so mostly within my limits.
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