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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Healing can be itchy...

I got a sunburn last week while out in the canoe with my love.  Just on the tops of my legs, from the knee to the edge of my shorts, so like 6-7 inches of sunburned skin on each leg.  It was slightly painful to the touch (or rub when you move in your sleep and it rubbed against the bed--ouch) for a few days, then got that weird mottled look right before showing a nice golden tan underneath. Of course to get to that nice tan, the burned layer of skin needs to slough off...which is part of the healing process, and it is itchy!!  So for the past couple of days I have been itching off little bits of dead skin.  My son asked why my skin looked weird, and I told him, then I added that sometimes healing can be itchy.

And I realized that is very true for all kinds of healing...even emotional hurts....the healing process is sometimes uncomfortable, slightly painful at times, irritating, rough, somewhat annoying, a bit ugly, and yes, even itchy.  But at the end of that, is fresh, beautiful, healed skin, hearts, souls, minds...so it is totally worth it. As I have been facing some interesting challenges and decisions lately, I have realized that some of the reasons I am facing these challenges is that I have been seeking healing for some stuff that has gone on over the past few years (some of which I will be posting on over the next two weeks).  The Universe, the Powerful Consciousness of God, my Source that knows me better than I know myself, has been amazing in presenting me with the situations, people, and circumstances that have been instrumental in helping on this road to healing...between my significant other, my sister, my other sister, my mother, my children, my ex, poultry, job situations, and a variety of other people, places, and things, that need me in their lives as much as I need them, I have been growing more lately than I had for a while.  Everything happens for a reason, the people (and circumstances) we need come when they can teach us something and we can teach them something.  And healing happens...it is itchy....it is uncomfortable...it is somewhat annoying, especially when facing something I have faced before and not listened to my intuition, to be given a chance to heal and learn a lesson in a new way, with a new paradigm...it is a great gift....

and an itchy one... :/



Monday, July 8, 2013

Focusing on the desired outcome, not the "how"

I had a conversation yesterday that got me thinking about how I perceived the law of attraction teaching when I was first introduced to them, and how I perceive them now that I have worked with them for a few years.  I was talking about a particular set of opportunities that have come into my sphere of consciousness (not in those words, that is just how I think about them, actually talking like that makes me sound weird.. :) ) and I was talking about choosing from the opportunities presented to me.  And her response was that she MAKES her opportunities, they are not presented to her.   I love this sister of mine very much, and she has done many great things in her life, and transformed her life in many, many ways over the past few years--particularly in the monetary wealth and new adventures realms--and she has done much of it by changing her thinking patterns, altering her focus, and her own understanding of the law of attraction.  But what strikes me as odd, is that she often seems more stress and in some ways more lonely than she used to be. It could just be difficult family dynamics and the fact that I most often see her at family gatherings.

But the juxtaposition of her apparent unhappiness in that situation and her response that she makes her own opportunities made me think.  I was first introduced to the idea that you manifest your own world about 10 years, and it was both freeing and amazing as a concept, but it also created tension within me. Having read Neale Donald Walsh's Conversations with God in 2003, my entire life changed.  Discovering Wayne Dyer in 2004 kept that knowledge growing.  I didn't find Rhonda Byrne's The Secret until 2009.  And later was introduced to the Abraham-Hicks teachings.  Since them I have explored the Silva Method, A Course in Miracles, Healing with the Masters, and many other amazing transformational teachers, concepts, ideas, and methods.  It was freeing because once I accepted it, I realized I could "have, do or be anything..." that I wanted (quote from The Secret), and I accepted that the "bad" things in my life were not things outside of my control or my abilities to respond in a positive way to those painful experiences.  And at first I focused on material goods--I wanted more money, I wanted a bigger house, I wanted a nicer car...and I struggled with the process of how..how was that going to come...how could I get what I wanted...and I walked a number of different paths. I could co-create my life with the Power Consciousness that I call God, my creator, my Source Energy, the Alpha and omega...  
At first I felt very empowered, especially in the early years 2003-2006.  I was going to make my life exactly what I wanted it to be....I was going to make all of my dreams come true.  I wanted to finish my PhD, so I pushed ahead and applied to 3 programs--got accepted, and even got full funding for 5 years at 2 of the 3 universities (the third was a teaching assistanceship that had to be renewed every year).  I was very excited that this dream that I had had since I was 13 was going to come true.  I also wanted to be a parent, and the idea that I could manifest my own desires really gave me the push I needed to start the adoption process, a process that I was told could take 3-5 years before having a child join the family.  My lifelong dream of adopting children with special needs became a reality far sooner that I had planned, and I had a difficult decision to make between two amazing opportunities to fulfill dreams that I had, both of them since around 13 years old.  I chose to do only one at  a time, and as I was 30, decided being a parent in my 30's and 40's would be easier than it would be a decade later.  So I let go of my Fellowship and my PhD acceptance.  And since 2006, have been a parent to two amazing, incredible, difficult, wonderful, challenging, and inspiring children--who are now 10 and almost 7.    It was one of the most difficult decisions in my life to walk away from the PhD at that point in time, and it was a time I realized that sometimes it is okay to not get everything you want all at once.

Life has had a lot of challenges since that decision, and many of the "material" things I thought were important to me have become less important.  I realized that much of my desire was not for particular things, for a particular amount of money or a particular status.  Instead of manifesting what I wanted, my life transformed in a way to show me the true desires of my heart...not the surface desires of what I "want"...but rather that deep soul level desires that the spiritual "me", the core "me" needs to be the person I was born to be.  And my understanding of the law of attraction has shifted.  Instead of working like a dog to make more money, or focusing on money at all...I have found great peace in what I have, and have found that I have great strength and resourcefulness even without monetary wealth...and my heart is more at peace because of it.  NOW I feel like monetary wealth would not destroy the person that I want to be, because it no longer matters to me if I have a certain level of wealth....I am content with knowing that I am strong and resourceful, and that I don't need money or things to make me happy.  Did I "focus" on wealth...yes...and it made me depressed and conflicted because I had many negative beliefs about wealth  and my own worthiness...and because when I could not MAKE the opportunities flourish, I got very down on myself.  The struggles that life did offer me, helped me to learn that monetary wealth is NOT a desire of my heart, but the self-assurance, resourcefulness, and the ability to live in community with others IS a desire of my heart---and that is what the  Universe brought to me, because I attracted the desire of my heart.

I have also learned that sometimes the shorted distance from where you are to the things/experiences/people your heart desires, can be through difficult valleys that get rid of the confusion, and bring clarity.  I am slowly learning to trust the process, to enjoy the journey that I always said i enjoyed but was always fighting.  I look back 5 years, and I find that so many thing that I stated i wanted, that I put the intention out int o the universe for, have actually come into being--though the how has been completely different than any path I would have chosen for myself.

I live in a handicapped accessible house, and there are enough bedrooms that the boys each have their own. but they don't want their own, and continue to share one to sleep in and the other room "Josiah's room that he doesn't sleep in" as they call it, has the guitars, drum set, and other instruments, as well as spare clothes and some storage in addition to Josiah's dresser and other bed.  What we think would be exactly what we want is not always what we want.  And with Josiah's recent improvements, he does not NEED the level of accessibility that I thought he was going to.  While that could still change and his needs may go up as he grows, it is nice to know that nothing is set in stone.

I work from home, doing child care.  I thought for years I wanted to open a family home day care...and when I finally did, I learned that it is not actually what I want to do.  I have now tried it twice (as Josiah's needs prompted a return to driving over 100 miles a day to get him to his special school), so I took a few months off to do that and have returned to childcare as of this past April, thinking that my stress and desire to not do it after the summer last year was just due to external stresses.  But I have found that although I love children, and enjoy working with them, a family home day care is really not something I am fulfilled doing.

I have wanted chickens, I have chickens (and a quail!), I have wanted rabbits, and we have rabbits.

I have wanted a significant other who reaches my heart in ways i never dreamed, and I met her in January.  And while it is not the relationship I dreamed it would be, I have found many avenues for growth, love, greater compassion, and this relationship has been helping me to grow more and more into the person I want to be....it has made me a better person to love my love.  And it is showing me areas of my unconscious mind that I have a lot of negativity...things that do get in the way of attracting certain experiences.

I have a number of other little examples as wel, but over all, i am finding that if I really seek the desires of my heart, the connections of Spirit and God that I seek, the connections of people and community that I seek, the experiences that will build up my peace, my joy, and my ability to see how blessed I am...that life is truly transformed--not by monetary wealth, but by the understanding that I am able to thrive; not by having the "right" home or car or job, but by the recognition that life changes all the time and "things" come and go to help us on our way; not by having the "dream" connections and elbow rubbing, but by BEING the person that I want to be to those that I meet.

And yes, a number of interesting paths have opened (and closed) unexpectedly over the past year, and what I focused on last year does not have as much meaning this year...and what is good for my kids this year is different than it was 2 years ago...so as we all change and grow, the Universe is continually opening up paths for me to explore...not to judge or to hang on to so tightly that I can't touch anything else...but rather to explore, enjoy, try it on, and wear it as long as it fits and is comfortable for the focus of my heart and soul.  One of the paths opening up has come with the inspiration of a path towards my PhD again.  I can not see all of the effects of that path, we never can, but I do know now that what I want and what I think I want are not always the same thing.  But that the Law of Attraction works on both the focus of our Spirits and the focus of our minds.  Dis-ease and unhappiness comes when those two are misaligned.  The struggles of the past few years have really helped me to see that aligning and centering my heart and my mind with the desires of my soul really create the most amazing outcomes.

May the paths that I am exploring lead to many new adventures that help to build me and my children and my significant other and all of the people we come into contact with into the people we desire to be, even if the outside world can not see it...I find that peace in my heart is more transformational than any of the outside fluff.  I enjoy the fluff (or get frustrated by it) and the fluff is not unimportant, but I just find that the fluff is to be experienced and enjoyed,  and allowed to blow away on the wind when the time comes.  So I welcome the challenges, I cry the tears, I experience the whole gammet of emotions that makes me who I am, and I know that life is more about how to perceive our world and less about "what happens to us" or "what we make happen".  It is not about HOW we can make it happen, it is about enjoying the unfolding of the opportunities, and acting when we feel compelled to act, even if the path is not as clear as we would otherwise like it to be.  It is about trusting that the desires of our hearts are known by the Source Energy, even if we are unclear in our minds, and knowing that each experience brought to us is God's gift to help us move down the path to the desires of our hearts.  The more we resist, the more we make excuses, and the more we push things that are not what we need, the slower and more dis-ease we will experience.  I have been resisting for too long, and making excuses as top WHY I can't do this, that or the other thing, and it has manifests as disease in my body.  And for a while now, I have followed the disease instead of seeking ease, instead of following the leading of Spirit...that mistake, that mis-focus is changing today....today I follow the path of peace even if I can not see what is at the end of it...because I know it is not about making opportunities or getting what I want, but rather it is about having the deepest desires of my heart of hearts...the rest is just fluff...  May I continue to learn this lesson and to share it with others....

Monday, June 17, 2013

Gratitude, helping hands, and growth

Life again reminds me of how blessed I am, even if society tells me that I have little and am "poor".   I look around and I know that I am rich.  As we were driving home yesterday from the kids visiting my ex, there was a man at the end of the exit ramp from the highway.  He was holding a sign that said "living on a prayer...please help!"  At first I just drove by him, ignoring like everyone else does, with those cynical thoughts that judge the man and his actions or the decisions that might have led him to this point of begging for help on the side of the road.  And as my heart tugged, and my spirit protested, I realized that I was being "just like everyone else" in judging a person I did not know, and deciding that he was not worthy.  I realized that I know nothing about this man, his history, his life experiences, or what he thinks and feels.  

But I do know what it is like to be very down on my luck, to have made choices that have created scarcity and lack in my life, and to be stuck in patterns of thinking  or behaving that have made it difficult to rise above the challenges of life.  And I know how amazing even a kind word or an offering of understanding and/or help is when in that situation.  The gratitude that I have felt from those who reach out with kindness, compassion and love...that has given me the strength to keep going when life felt hopeless, and to being to long, arduous climb out of the despair  pain, and challenges that I had been facing. 

While some people did not like how long it took, or the path I took as I regained my footing in life, or gave up before they gave me the time to find my feet, it is okay, because their generosity and care DID make a difference even if they did not have the patience to wait and see it as it grew.  From kind words and shared stories of strangers on the bus, in the park, or from customers I was waiting on, to the gifts of a place to live, a warm meal, or funds to pay my bills, every gift of compassion, every act of love made a difference in my life.  

Regardless of where someone is or how they got there, all people deserve love and compassion, even if it seems to be not helping, I guarantee that NO act of love is missing its impact.  Every act of love makes a difference, even if it takes a while for that seed of love and care that you plant to blossom in the person you plant it in.  And it is not up to you or I how that seed blossoms, you do not always know what flower or plant will come from it, and you do not know the path that is best for any other person, including your siblings, parents, or even your children.  Act with love, compassion, and care, and every person will benefit.  Because acts of love, no matter how small, bring healing to even the most broken soul, even if their anger or pain gets in the way of them embracing it right away.  Do not judge the path they are on, the path they have taken in the past, nor the path they take in the future...it is THEIR path, just as your path is your own.  Everything you give of yourself and your resources affects the world, give gifts worthy of your soul...and keep judgement for your choices of the melons in the grocery store.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Best Depression post ever--again

Allie, blogger of Hyperbole-and-a-Half, did a post about depression about a year and a half ago that was such a spot on description of what depression (not sadness  not the blues, not a bad day...real, clinical depression) feels like as it creeps up on you and becomes debilitating.  And I thought that i was the best post on depression that had ever been done, resonates with those of us who have experienced life affecting depression, and is descriptive enough for people who have not experienced it to have a much clearer understanding of what their family and friends who do have clinical depression experience.  A very good introduction to depression for those who want to understand it better--and one that will make you laugh (unless you are in the unable to feel anything phase of depression).

However, I was blown away today by the amazing post by Allie that has arrived over a year and a half after her initial depression post.  If anyone could describe the experience of being depressed and of being unable to feel or access emotion better, I have never see it.  Her followup post about this horrible topic is even more spot-on than the first, and will make you want to both laugh and cry (if you are able to).  So I encourage all of you who struggle with depression to read it and know you are not alone, and that there is hope even if you don't care about having hope at this point.  And for all the rest of you, READ IT, because someone in your life was, is now, or will someday be struggling with this level of depression in their lives.  1 in 4 people struggle with it at some point int heir life.

 For some it is a one time struggle, for others of us, it is a challenge that has its ebb and flow throughout our life.  I fall into the latter, though have been blessed with the family, therapists, friends, spiritual teachers, bloggers, online connections, and other  loved ones who have all helped in some way to help me find my path and to recognize when I need to step back and take care of myself.

Depression is not a friendly struggle, it is not like a the common cold that comes, makes you a little under the weather for a while and then leaves.  It is more insidious than that.  It lies under the surface, and takes daily practices to help keep it from growing, letting it lay there without focusing on it, just let it be, while making sure other things that bring satisfaction fill the space above it so it can not raise its head.  Instead remembering daily to focus on the good in life, to express gratitude, to see the wonder of every day--even if it is a crappy day or one that makes you so stressed out that you have a little tantrum at the end of the day and throw an empty beer can into the yard. It takes making sure you get enough sleep, enough good food (and less junk), enough time and space to yourself, and enough time and space shared with others.  It takes making sure there are things in your life that have meaning to you--be it volunteering, gardening, raising poultry, playing with children, watching a movie, playing games, making music, taking a walk, enjoying nature, or just meditating on the things around you.  It takes learning how to breathe to keep in balance, learning to drink water, and remembering to get out and move your body so everything stays stretched out.  Depression is not something you can fight, it is something you have to gently let go and walk a way from gently, grabbing better feeling thoughts, better feeling actions, better feeling connections, so that depression can not hold on to you as strongly.  It takes staying aware of yourself  so that you know when things are starting to get out whack, when depression is trying to grow, and when those stresses in life are getting beyond what the practices you are doing (or have neglected to do) can help manage.

Going from depressed to at peace to even joyous is a process, it does not happen overnight, and falling back into having it control life doesn't happen overnight either.  Knowing that I WANT to feel better, gives me the hope that I can, and the strength to take the baby steps, even feeling just a little bit better can change the world, and the feeling a little bit better and a little bit better....  I am glad that I am not in that place of hopelessness or lack of feeling, that stagnant valley in life with depression where you just  ARE and life just IS and you are just keep going for lack of any reason not to.  I have been there, it is a foggy, gray way to live.  but it is living, which is better than not, and it is temporary even if you have been stuck for a long time. I sometimes wonder if that is how some active addicts feel.  They go to work, they come home, they open a beer, the play their games, because that low lying depression just has a hold and will not let go.  Beer (or whatever else) just keeps it at bay, lets they stay in the same pattern they have been--one of survival, but not thriving, one of numbness where they don't have to think about things that hurt (like past trauma or lost loved ones or broken dreams), they just want to keep going.  IT becomes a habit and they get stuck, and don't know how to even want something different, to want something more, something that can help them thrive an soar.  I know about stuck, I know about going through the motions day after day, month after month, year after year--with pockets of hope, with pockets of the idea that something can be better.  But until you deal with the hooks that hold you to depression--be it the actions we do that are actually mal-adaptive coping mechanisms  or the experiences that pushed up into need to cope that we got stuck with the cope and never brought the experience to resolution, or even just the belief about ourselves that we don't server more--or all three hooks (usually it takes addressing all three--the actions we do that keep us where we are, the experiences that led us to take those actions, and the way we feel about ourselves and our own worth), until you can loosen those hooks, until you WANT to loosen those hooks and enter the unfamiliar territory of hope and joy and LIFE, depression keeps its hold.  And I have to say that Allie has it spot on, that sometimes something so small and seemingly insignificant can break the fog, and bring in some rays of sunshine.  And the process towards healing begins... I wish you all a shriveled piece of corn under the fridge... may you find that life might be worth it, and even possibly that joy might be worth it too...because the truth is YOU are worth it...

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A short update

Okay, so this April has been a whirlwind of activity...

First off JM has moved in, earlier than we had talked about our our relationship is still young, but I live in a very rural, isolated area, and finding a year round full-time job is very difficult, especially one with benefits.  Well a job opened up in JM's field, and we agreed that applying was the best idea as it would likely not come around again soon.  So even though we are moving in a few months before we had talked about, I think it will be okay.  I had not planned to still be getting to know each other and each other's histories while co-habitating  but the present is now and the past is past, so we can focus on who we are now and where we want to go from here.  So a week ago JM moved in, and started orientation and training at work.  The kids are adjusting well, JM is adjusting to the kids well, and life is in the process of finding a new normal.

The snow is finally almost gone, just a few stubborn snowbanks left and many areas area already thawed and the mud dried up, though still some frozen ground spots and some muddy, recently thawed spots.  The fire pit is finally out of the snow, so we cooked hot dogs over a little campfire last night in the backyard, though it got cold fast as the sun was going down.  I did finally get my seeds planted in seedling cups (well egg cartons and re-purposed empty single serve fruit cups and yogurt.  Hopefully many will grow well and the frost risk will be gone by May 15th, though May 30th at the latest.  It has been a slow spring, but sometimes that means that the last frost will be in early may instead of a surprise cold snap in late May.  So looking forward to a good garden this year--lots of variety of veggies and herbs, and a a few different kinds of some veggies. I still have more to plant, but planted the longer season ones now, and next week will plant the ones that are shorter--mainly because I ran out of containers.

Kids are doing well....I had their annual CSE meetings and BOTH are flourishing in their current programs. Both will continue those programs next year with minor changes that give them a little less support int eh hopes that they are ready to be a little more independent.  Both still have a VERY high level of support, but weaning them down is good.  I am very proud of my boys for how hard they have worked towards their own success, and very grateful to all the school program personnel (so many more people than just the teacher, though the teacher is obviously a central force included in that) for the progress and attachments the kids have experienced this year.

Monday, April 8, 2013

quick post

This is just a quick post to say hi and let you all know I'm still here.  Life has been very busy, a lot of changes coming up--job, babysitter, significant other...a lot of sickness just passed--colds, flu, ear infections,sinus infections...fun, fun, fun.... so, yeah, the snow is slowly melting, mud season is upon us here in the mountains (low lying areas are already snow free and dry ground, I still sink up to my knee in the snow in the back yard), windows are open airing out the house finally, and the birds have started to return.... yippee.... I am so ready for spring...need to get my seeds started this week for the garden too....

I actually have a couple of other posts that I started but have not yet finished, so i will get back to at least one of those, hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday.

BUT I just wanted to write a quick hello to all my neglected internet people.... Happy Spring :) !

Friday, March 22, 2013

Low carb,very flavorful lunch

So today I decided that I am getting tired of tuna fish with pickles,celery, and laugh cow cheese wedge, wrapped in a kale leaf.  While is tasty, it is getting old to have it too often.  So todayforlunch I triedsoemthign new:

one small to medium size boneless,skinless chicken breast, cubed
1/2 medium onion,sliced
2 TBS virgin coconut oil
1-2cloves garlic,chopped
1 1/2 tsp chili powder
herbs and spices (I used some oregano and some dried parsely)
salt and pepper
1/4 to 1/2 cup water

In a small frying pan, I heated coconut oil,then sliced the onions (you can chop them if you prefer), and caramelized them in the heated oil.  I chopped 2 medium cloves of garlic and added it ot the pan to raost with the caramelized onions.  I cubed a boneless,skinless chicken breast,and added it to the pan, tossing with the onions and garlic,and let the outside surfaces sear.  After the chicken browned on the surface, I added  the chili powder, salt, pepper, herbs and spices as desired. Then I reduced heat and added 1/4 to 1/2 cup of warm water to simmer,which de-glazed the pan while the chicken cooked and to steam cook the chicken and blend the flavors. I let it simmer for about 10-15 minutes, until the water had cooked out, with occasional stirring.

I completed the meal with some steamed broccoli on the side and a large glass of water.  A great, tasty, protien rich, low-carb lunch.