Life in Tranformation

Monday, November 10, 2014

Following J's surgery

J's surgery went well.

He had a little trouble with slow wake up after the anesthesia and vomiting from the anesthesia. But overall the surgery went well, the bone in his leg has been cut and re-positioned with a plate and screws, the hamstrings and hip abductors on both legs were cut and lengthened.

He is now dealing with his cast (from armpits to toes) by playing with various electronics, such as the new DS handheld game that his aunt got for him, the wii, the computer (I cannibalized two old, ailing laptops to make one working one for him). Goign to the bathroom is difficult for him, we use a handheld urinal for urine, and the hospital sent us home with a bedside commode for him to use. He is uncomfortable, but here we are 12 days since surgery and he has not had heavy duty pain meds for 3 days, and only ibuprofen at night as that is when his discomfort is highest. The itchy skin as started, and he has a small rash on the bum where the cast edge is (they leave the privates area open so that he be toileted).

Overall, though he is doing well and just waiting for the special reclining wheelchair that he needs in order to return to school (thankfully he goes to a special school and they can handle his needs while in the cast). They said it would take a week, but alas, it is taking longer than expected to arrive. he will be happy to return to his friends and get out of the house!

Even if the wheelchair were here, we would not be able to take him out as the handicap accessible van that we were blessed with (and the blessing of all the donations that helped fund the repairs for the van) had a major problem on the way to the surgery. The transmission died!! So, we have it in a shop thanks to two friends who came out to Syracuse with a car trailer and they took it up to a friend of their who is a transmission specialist. To replace it with a new transmission would be about $2500. To find and replace with a used transmission would be around $1100. And to rebuild the transmission is a steal at about $600. So they are in the process of rebuilding the transmission. And we are trying to come up with the funds for that. Over all though, the van is a great gift in that buying a used one would have been over $15,000. And so far we have put only about $1500 into the van, so another $600 to rebuild the transmission so we can have a way to transport Josiah and his chair (both the rented reclining one while in the cast and his motorized one after the cast comes off) is really a good deal. If you would like to donate to the repair the van fund, please feel free to check out the story of the van here.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Surgery and six weeks in a SPICA cast (armpits to ankles)...

So, blogging has not been high on my priority list lately, as there has been so much going on. My big focus lately is on my now 8 year old son, J. He is going in for surgery in two days to manage some damage to his legs from his cerebral palsy. His femur has twisted due to the tension in his legs and it has caused the femur (bone int he the thigh) and his tibia (shin bone) to grow twisted. his left foot now faces his right foot. This is putting a lot of pressure on his hip and it is in danger of dislocating and destroying the hip joint. So they are going to have to cut the femur, turn it, re-angle it into the hip socket, and then put it back together with plates and screws to hold it in its new position.

They also will be cutting his hamstrings and hip abductors as well as a third set of tendons on both legs to lengthen the tendons and hopefully relieve pressure on both hips. The right leg is not as bed so they are just doing the tendons and not the bone work, and on the left leg they are going to leave the tibia for now, as they believe he will need extensive surgery on the foot at a later date, and want to see how this surgery corrects some of the issues before they make decisions a bout what to do with the lower part of the leg and the foot. The primary reason for the surgery is to save the hip and prevent traumatic dislocation. The hopeful additional benefit will be that he will have more control over his legs with the added flexibility, and that he will be able to walk better.

The cutting of the hamstrings will allow him to actually stretch out his legs at the knee (something he has not done in years), and maybe even stand up straight by dealing with the tendons both the hamstrings and the tendons at the hips. The tension in the tendons has caused him to become more and more bent at the hips and legs, so it will be a new experience for him to walk upright (he walks with a walker now but always on his tip toes with knees and hips bent). If he can straighten his legs, he may be able to walk on his feet, and this have better balance and more ability towards independent mobility. He will still need his wheelchair for any distance walking as it is the combination of his physical challenges and his lung/respiratory issues that make him unable to walk long distances like going shopping, going to the zoo, fair, or amusement park, or for walks more than 1/2 a mile.

The surgery is always a risk, as he does have medical challenges with his lungs, and the surgery will have under anesthesia for a few hours, so my first concern is the life and death risk of anesthesia. But we have put off the surgery for as long as we possibly dare to, as he is in pain often due to the pressure on his hips...his legs and back hurt often, and he is danger of dislocation, which would be so much more complicated and difficult and may destroy his ability to walk completely depending on how much damage is caused by it). So we are here, at the edge of surgery, and with a long recovery for him. He will be in a full Spica cast (often called a body cast) from armpits to ankles for 6-8 weeks.

We have been rearranging the house, getting his video games and books and toys ready, modifying our schedules and so on in preparation for his next few weeks. Once the pain subsides and the need for pain meds is no longer (the doctor says should only be the first week), then he will be stuck in this cast and unable to do things. Hopefully he will develop a greater appreciation for the abilities he DOES have now, as he gets so angry and frustrated that he can not run and move like other kids (Josiah is triplegic--or a combination of left hemiplegia and para paraplegia--so his left side is affected, and his lower body (both legs and core muscles)). So even with his walker, he struggles, and he can not hold on to things like most kids, and he is so acutely aware of his challenges. So he has become a perfectionist which gets int eh way even more, as he melts down when he can not be the best or do things exactly perfect. Even if he is winning in a game, if he misses a score he gets so angry at himself. I am not sure where all this comes from, though the neuropsychologist believes some of it stems from his brain damage, as many people with brain damage feel out of control of their lives and so try to be prefect, but with damage to the frontal lobe, have less control over their emotions. So it creates big issues in emotional challenges and behavioral outbursts.

In some ways I am hoping that being so drastically restricted in motion by this cast, that it will help him lay new brain pathways that help him be more comfortable with himself and his abilities. He is such a talented and amazing kid with so much to offer both himself and the world around him, I am hoping he can learn to shift his focus from this obsession with what he can not do, to a focus on what he CAN do. So who knows, maybe this surgery will have some added benefits that are more indirect than the reasons for the surgery itself.

I am still very nervous about it, so we could use some prayers and good vibes and energy being sent his way--focusing on a successful surgery with no complications, clear, strong breathing coming out of anesthesia and his body's ability to handle the anesthesia and the stress on his body, minimal pain and good pain medications for him, speedy healing and maximum benefit--both physically and mentally, and patience during the long recovery in the cast. I will try to post again a few times throughout his recovery, as I will be having to start working from home again as I do need an income during this time period, but he needs me to be here with him and available, so back to trying to find assignment based articles again, and getting back to writing my book and hopefully self-publishing by the end of the year.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Wedding day, Ice Cream Shop, and Family visits...oh my!!

SO the past couple of months have been crazy with multiple trips to specialists for the boys, some over 3 hours away, planning and having our wedding day June 29th--yes, I am a legally married woman now!

AND my mother and step-father opened an ice cream shop in my front yard on July 3rd---so wow, it has been crazy busy on about a million different fronts.

I am working 40 hours a week at the ice cream shop...talk about working from home right, my commute is about 50 feet from my front door (and we put a privacy fence between the parking lot and house so that people are not peeking in the windows or stepping on the flowers, or freaking out the dogs, or getting in the way of the kids....). So I have a job for the summer. Still working out the kinks with childcare as my SPOUSE is watching them on days off, but begins the summer season at the BBQ this weekend. I have a couple of people lined up, but think I might be relying in my Dad more than I planned to mind the boys. At least Josiah is in summer school for the next 6 weeks, and Gonzo can hang out with me or even in the house by himself...he is 11 after all, so it is mainly afternoon, evenings, and weekends I have to figure out a couple days a week.

We also had a visit from my new sister-in-law and her fiance who live in Florida last week, and my sister and her husband and kids who live in South Carolina are here this week. So a lot of visiting and talking and having family dinners with extended family...a great time, but exhausting as part of the larger way too busy picture!!

Now that life is settling in to a new normal after all of the changes of the past few months, I can start focusing again on my health transformation (so many other transforming events have been taking place, it really has taken the back burner). I will get back to posting more often hopefully, but wanted to do a quick update for my readers to let you know I did NOT disappear off the face of the earth, just going through some very time and energy consuming transformations in various parts of my life.

Blessings to one and all!

Friday, May 9, 2014

300 lbs and showing sings of malnutrition?!?!

SO...had a doctors appointment today....for those who think that health is an easy, linear, straightforward kind of topic...you are CRAZY!!! Nothing seems to make sense...

I have been following my doctors recommendation on prescription drugs, insulin (both slow acting and fast acting--so 5 needle sticks a day to administer, plus 5 finger pricks to monitor), sticking to a healthy diet with very little cheating, even reducing gluten amounts and cutting out refined sugars, and slowly adding in more physical activity.

So my blood works shows that:
My fasting blood sugar is below 150 on a regular basis (amazing considering it was nearly impossible to get it below 250 for the past couple of years)
My A1C is down to 7.4 WHOOHOO--almost normal for the first time in nearly 5 years!!
My kidney functions have returned well into normal
My liver function enzymes are well into normal ranges, not even close to high!
Also my blood pressure and vitals all are fine....

And my albumin levels are showing signs of malnutrition, not getting enough nutrients....AND my weight went UP by over 10 pounds instead of down....

So that is just so crazy--why is my weight going up and my nutrient absorption going down?
Why, when everything else (blood sugar levels, kidney, liver, blood pressure, etc...) all are going in
the right direction, somehow both my physical weight and my nutrient absorption are going the wrong directions!?!?!

Maybe it is a body mind thing..I have been struggling greatly with severe depression (worse than I have had in over a decade), and so I did talk to my doctor about that as none of the coping techniques that I learned and that have WORKED over the past decade seem to be touching the slow downward spiral that I have been dealing with for the past few months. So I am going off one of my medications as it reacts with ALL of the class of anti-depressants that work for me (15 years ago I felt like a guinea pig as we tried a myriad of different psychotropic drugs to balance my brain chemicals and only one class of anti-depressants worked--SSNRI. Of course the insurance does not WANT to cover them. And the one I was on previously interacts very badly with another drug I am on. So we are trying to get coverage for a newer drug in that class that hopefully will work, but it is jump through hoops for the insurance time to get it covered, because they would rather cover something that does NOT work than pay for the more expensive drug that DOES work.

Hopefully with my depressive and anxiety levels back under control, and doc says stop the gluten reducing, maybe my weight will start going down and my nutrient absorption will start going up. Stress releases all sorts of chemicals that interfere with the way the body works, which may be why the weird results when everything else is raveling in the right direction.

It is never as straightforward as you would think it should be....sometimes you can be doing almost everything "right" and things still do not work well....and weight loss while on insulin is difficult at best and near impossible at worst.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Sugar Addiction!

I have been very busy and have not had much time to write, on the blog or otherwise.

I wanted to share an article with you all that I saw via Food Inc post on Facebook. It is something that I have heard before, but it was interesting to see how the brain scans of people who struggle with obesity may be linked to an addiction to refined sugar, which can be STRONGER than an addiction to cocaine. Refined sugar, extracted from its natural source and concentrated to by JUST sugar--such as sugar (also called beet sugar, brown sugar, cane sugar, confectioners sugar, invert sugar, powdered sugar, raw sugar, saccherose, table sugar and turbinado), high fructose corn syrup,

Natural sugar occurring in foods like fresh fruits and vegetables which are processed differently by the body due to the other compounds found in whole foods.

As my dear fiance has agreed to attempt 4 weeks of no alcohol to break the long standing habit of having a alcoholic drinks after work every night so that a more balanced approach to enjoying alcohol in a healthier way, I will be focusing on eliminating the last of the refined sugars that are still part of my food intake. Over the past few years I have greatly reduced the amount and frequency of sugar consumption, primarily through cutting down on processed foods, eating more whole foods, watching my carb intake (primary due to my diabetes), and indulging in sweets only occasionally (like the occasional cookie or cadbury egg or other candy). Lately I have been taking in too much of the candy stuff, and need to reset my focus.

This article has helped me remember why it is so important to not be an unconscious eater....as when we eat or drink or put anything into our body without really thinking about it, we may be forming an addiction to those things, altering our own brain chemistry, and reducing the amount of pleasure and peace we get from life because of those alterations. Peace is not just a state of mind separate from the body, it is a specific set of chemicals and dominate thought patterns that provide a sense of calm and peace. It is very difficult to achieve artificially, as each of us is an individual--physically and spiritually. While psychological and spiritual practices such as meditation, prayer, looking on the positive side of things, letting go of attachments and expectations, and developing a healthy spiritual life and positive attitude all contribute greatly to creating the right physical balance to be at peace, there are many physical things that influence how much pleasure and peace we find in life. Amount and quality of sleep is a big one. How much you move your body (exercise, activity, physical work) also influence what hormones and chemicals are active in your body and brain. And what you eat and drink have a direct and intense impact on what chemicals and hormones course through your body and brain. Given that feelings like calm, peace, happiness, pleasure, and excitement (just like anger, fear, sadness, anxiety) all rely on your body releasing a specific set of neurochemicals, and that many of those neurochemcials have receptors and competent receptors in the gut, what you eat and drink has a direct and almost immediate impact on mood and emotions. Like the article states though, when it comes to addiction--be it to cocaine, nicotine, alcohol, or refined sugar...the anticipation of the pleasure creates a chemical rush, the receiving of the substance gives what it gives, and after the substance is out of the system, the brain is LESS sensitive to those chemical that influence pleasure and joy.

SO hopefully taking a month off from all refined sugars, will help reset the brains sensitivity to the pleasure center, and IF (not when, IF) i decide to include any more refined sugars in my dietary intake, it will be in very small amounts and very low frequency.

So that is what I am thinking about and doing these days....off to clean a camp for some summer residents...good old spring cleaning...hope to do my own house soon while between seasons....

Monday, February 24, 2014

Working, activities, and all sorts of life=no time to blog

I started working at a large ski center a few weeks ago. A temporary position at minimum wage doing kitchen help and serving customers at the food court there. Not my dream job, but a job. Freelance writing has slowed down with a LOT of competition for the higher priced articles, and the nursery school requires children whose parents can pay even the modest little $35 a week I charged for 5 days. but alas, winter around here is very low income, as most jobs are seasonal and depend on the summer resorts, camp grounds, and activities. So I needed to get some extra income rolling in, even at a low wage. And it is fun baking, serving soup, and doing whatever needs to be done, and having coworkers again is really nice, having been so isolated working from home and taking care of the kids these past few years.

I have a number of applications in for jobs in my original career field and hope that one or two will pan out. I have expanded my search up to 300 miles from here, with the intent, obviously, to relocate if the job is more than a 60 miles away.I do have an interview via phone on Friday with a company 60 miles away, so if I end up making it to the job offer, I know I could commute for a while until I really had enough to move into a good house and such, which is ideal. Preferably one that I can bring my chickens with me. So it may mean saving up after I get debts/bills caught up, and trying to find a place to give me a house loan. finding a handicap accessible place that allows dogs AND chickens is a bit of a high hope, but nothing is impossible. And who knows when a career oriented job will pan out SOON.

Between work, winter festivals, the kids visiting with their other parent, arranging child care now that I am working and they were off school for a week, doctor appointments, roof leaks, ceiling damage, rearranging rooms, running out of propane (!) yikes...it has been really busy, and cold, and wet.... So I have not had time to blog or food track. My blood sugar levels have been good though, so all of this activity is good for me.

I am grateful for a job that is fun
I am thankful for income to help me keep up with my expenses and bills
I am grateful for a roof over my head, holes and all
I am grateful for electric space heaters and grill propane tanks that help us have heat and hot water even when the big tanks are empty and the furnace out of commission because of it
I am thankful that there are jobs I can apply to and thankful for the hope of a better tomorrow
I am thankful that Josiah's motorized wheelchair will be here this week
I am thankful that I currently have a home that can accommodate him and his wheelchair
I am grateful for the school's ability to transport my children to their programs
I am grateful that they are old enough to be able to handle having a babysitter
I am grateful that I have a support network that understands my kids and thier issues (the behavioral ones being the most difficult), that I am able to work even when there is an unexpected snow day or my planned sitter calls in at the last minute
I am grateful that my kids handled it well, well enough to ease my nerves about gong back to work full time
I am thankful for a healthy puppy and an old dog whose health has gotten back to normal after a scare a couple of weeks ago that we were going to lose her
I am thankful that i was able to buy fresh fruits and veggies fro the family yesterday, and the kids enjoyed grapes and strawberries with their breakfast and bananas for snack when they got home from school.
I am thankful that I know that life is good, even when circumstances are challenging, life is still good, very, very good!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Stay on the road....Reasons for Food Tracking

I know the food tracking posts are kind of boring, but keeping a daily journal of exactly what you are eating is very helpful in really understanding two things...

First, it helps you really be conscious of what you are putting into your body...the little cookie here or the extra helping of pasta there, or the impulse buy of a Cadbury Cream Egg....those little things that we often do not really think about are then brought to the forefront. It also helps us understand when we are not making the best food choices, and gives us the chance to evaluate WHY we are eating what we eat at the times that we are eating them. Being conscious of what you are eating is half the battle, as life tends to be so hectic and so many different things are pulling our attention, that many of us are just not aware of what we are snacking on, especially those of us who are emotional eaters and use food to temporarily soothe stress, anger, frustration, depression, fear, or whatever else may arise.

Secondly, food tracking gives us a starting point to build a better eating plan that really reflects both your individual likes and your individual need for food at times that may not fit the norm. Do you avoid breakfast but eat a big nighttime snack? Changing THAT habit while changing WHAT you eat may set you up for more struggle than you bargain for. So you can see your patterns and make small changes in WHAT you eat WHEN, like ensuring a small volume but heartier breakfast (a complete instant breakfast shake, or one egg with one slice of toast, or yogurt with oatmeal and fruit) and a big but lighter late night snack (2 -3 cups of air popped popcorn (spray with a butter spray and sprinkle on some adobo or other flavorful spice blend) and an apple). That way you are getting something good in the morning to stimulate your metabolism and start to change the habit (heck even a slice of toast with peanut butter is better than nothing---just always make sure you have both carbs AND protein). AND your habit of a full stomach at night does not have to disappear, it can just change into a lower calorie snack than say a piece of cake or an ice cream sundae.

It is not easy to change...and changing both eating pattern habits AND what you eat at the same time can make it harder. Baby steps. You are not going to safely lose 80 pounds in 80 days, and if you do, the chances of keeping it off and having made true lasting changes are less likely. It also is not going to help if you get super frustrated a week into changing your eating habits and throw the whole idea away. A big part of the reason I share what I eat in my food tracking is because a lot of people out there are a lot like me....over 100 pounds overweight, dealing with more issues than just over eating, you don't get this heavy without underlying issues--both physical and mental/emotional. Eating is like a drug used to self medicate an over-stressed life. There may be an underlying challenge of neuro-chemicals being off causing clinical depression or clinical anxiety or both. There may be underlying metabolic issues with genetic causes that are made worse by lifestyle and eating habits, like metabolic syndrome, diabetes, or digestive issues. There may be so much going on in life that taking care of yourself has just been pushed to the back burner for so long and getting back to caring for your health and your body is a hard habit to get into.

So I share my story, which is a success story, and in the end will be an amazing success story, because I don't document just my successes, I am documenting all of the fits and starts, the backsliding, the two steps forward, two steps back dance. I document it because there are those out there who are where I was a few years ago, feeling like they want to start, but feeling like they will fail. They need to know that it is okay to make a slow start. It is okay to keep making the same goal and NEVER giving up even if you are not making visible progress. Some people change their mind and it changes their life within a few months. My mind must be complex because I change my mind and set out to change my life and I have to do it many times in many layers, but the whole time is actually progress, because at each set back, I learn something new about myself, I gain a deeper understanding of who I am and why I do what I do, and I am able to set better goals for myself. I am more accepting of myself NOW than I was 3 years ago when I started this blog. I have needed the longer process because until you can accept yourself, no matter how many changes you make, you will never be happy with who you are. NOW I am in a position where I want to get HEALTHY--not thin, not beautiful, not something external...I value WHO I am, and from this position now, I am committing, one day at a time, to making better choices.

Sure, some days I will eat less healthy, and some days I will be the poster child of the healthy eating. And i am okay with both, because every day is a new day, and every choice is a conscious choice, which gives a totally amazing experience of life. So yeah, some days I am going to eat a Cadbury Egg, and I am going to savor it, and I am going to do it fully aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it. And some days I am going to eat a big helping of Kale with a nice piece of fish, and I am going to savor it and enjoy it, being fully aware of what I am doing. I might even do the two on the same day. And i know that I have the CHOICE. It is a CHOICE, not an impulse, not a diet, not a habit, not a restriction, not a cheat....I make my choices, I take responsibility for them, I live with them, and I am more aware of who I am....NOW, from this knowing, I can make any changes I choose to, the changes that transform my life and the lives of those around me, for no-one is an island, everything we do, affects those around us. So I keep going, keep transforming, fast sometimes, slow sometimes, like punctuated equilibrium, it is an evolution where things remain apparently the same fora long time and then suddenly a whole bunch of changes happen at once. Those period of quiet continuance are a time of a lot going on behind the scenes, things we can not see or are not aware of. And when everything is lined up, and the right catalyst or stressor or change occurs, it sets off a cascade right down the line. SO change seems to happen quickly, transformation seems easy and fast. I am here to tell all of my readers, transformation happens, and it is those times of lining everything up--mentally, spiritually, physically, energetically--those are the times that are vital to transformation, those are the building blocks that are paving the road for transformation. True transformation needs those times or gaining focus and awareness. It is a time of awakening. Do not be discouraged if you are backsliding, or not moving forward or moving forward more slowly than you want to be. It is all part of the process, just stay on the road and you will get there, sometimes the road is windy with potholes and unexpected road work and dead ends requiring you to back track and take a different route, and sometimes it is like a highway through Illinois with a 75 mile an hour speed. Just keep going, as long as you keep going, you will get there.

And here are my last 2 days of food tracking, with its ups and downs:
Tuesday January 28

Breakfast

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 2 large ⊗

144

American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

158

Bar S Premium Deli Ham 97% Fat Free (1 Serving / 1 Slice / 32 grams), 32 gram(s) ⊗

Hard Rolls (includes kaiser), 1 roll (3-1/2" dia) ⊗

167

BREAKFAST TOTALS:

509

BREAKFAST GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Lunch

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Collards, frozen, chopped, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 1 cup, chopped ⊗

Beans, black, 0.75 cup ⊗

170

Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped ⊗

American Cheese, 1 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

LUNCH TOTALS:

314

LUNCH GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Dinner

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Collards, frozen, chopped, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 0.75 cup, chopped ⊗

Potato, raw, 1 medium (2-1/4" to 3-1/4" dia.) ⊗

147

Extra Virgin Olive Oil, 2 tbsp ⊗

240

Beans, black, 0.5 cup ⊗

114

Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped ⊗

DINNER TOTALS:

550

DINNER GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Snack

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Croissant, 1 croissant, small ⊗

171

Great Value Pork Sausage Patty, 1 patty, 0.5 serving ⊗

100

American Cheese, 1 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

Eggs - Scrambled - 1 Large Egg, 1 serving ⊗

SNACK TOTALS:

419

SNACK GOALS:

158 - 201

20 - 25

5 - 7

8 - 10

Snack 2

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Cadbury Creme Egg, 1 serving ⊗

150

Nonni's Gingerbread Macadamia Biscotti - 1 biscotti, 1 serving ⊗

150

SNACK 2 TOTALS:

300

SNACK 2 GOALS:

158 - 201

20 - 25

5 - 7

8 - 10

Show Meal Plans Add an extra meal category Change diet settings	CALORIES	CARBS	FAT	PROTEIN
Totals:	2,092	211	103	88
Your Daily Goal:	1,260 - 1,610	158 - 201	42 - 54	63 - 81
Remaining Today:	0	0	0	0

Water Tracker

and Wednesday January 29