Life is improving...

While this has been one hell of a crazy life, I am happy to say that stability is returning to my life even as the world around us is in upheaval.   We are still mostly isolating as we deal with COVID-19.  Even though many places have been opening back up and we reopened the donut stand in May, the recent rapid rise of COVID cases continues to make us aware of our surroundings and doing what we can to reduce the spread.  

But we are going out more.  I took the boys to a small grocery store the other day.  Aside from going to their Grandma's to help make the donuts and J being my fellow donut stand worker from 9 to noon on saturdays, the boys have not gone out since April.  So they needed to get some empowerment (small but picking out groceries gives them some control over their lives) and some seeing other faces.  The paper masks I bought at home depot the other day were more comfortable than the sock masks I made, so the boys were not uncomfortable.

The chickens and dogs have been keeping us entertained though the rabbits have dug a burrow under their hutch so we dont see them as often.  The heat is getting bad here in florida so i dont blame them for seeking the cool of underground.  

I can not say it has been a "productive" few weeks, but I can say that I have been healing emotionally and rebuilding my internal sense of self.  In some ways I have cocooned and just done very little on the outside.   Finally I am waking up and the boys are also healing.  Yelling outbursts have reduced, everyone is getting better at giving themselves space as they get upset, and the intense chaos that addiction and insanity brought to our family is finally losing its influence.

My soon to be ex-spouse remains blocked on all of out social media.  Though I do hope that someday we have all healed enough in a few years to reconnect for brief check-ins, if it is safe for our mental health.  But having had a long separation before, I am thinking this may be one person that a clean break is the only way for everyone to feel safe and sane.  

I am hopeful that as the boys and I continue to heal and to work together through this stuff, as each of us finds and acknowledges what we are responsible for and accepts what we are not, that we can sort through these emotions, and see where we can make better choices so that we dont repeat the same problems.  We want to focus on solutions, closure, letting go, and moving forward.

The rollercoaster stopped, but what planet am I on?

All charges have been dropped, all restrictions lifted...that was the call I got last Friday so I was able to go HOME and have my children back fully in time for Mother's Day.  I have no idea if my soon to be ex-spouse didn't show for her meeting with the courts or if she fessed up and told the truth about her adding a lot of lies to the base of truth.  But either way, I have been cleared of all charges.

So that roller-coaster that I somehow got shoved onto in early April finally ended, and its exit is not where I expected.  Though I have been at this carnival of crazy life since well January really, I didn't fully hit the midway until my job disappeared in march and then the COVID pandemic changed all possible plans. Before being shoved onto April's bizarre roller-coaster, I had been working on becoming an online ESL teacher, so I could still work and meet the needs of the boys.  But it has been so long I may have lost my spot, so I need to see if that is even a possibility still.  I also had applied to get my teaching certification in this state and planned to sub the rest of the school year and into next year so I could both grow my in classroom experience and still have the flexibility I need to get the kids to all their appointments, work, and get back to after-school activities that being them both joy and socializing. 

 I also had planned on getting back to wood-burning crafts to sell at farmers markets and craft fairs and rejoin my mom's donuts business.  Lots of little streams of income.  To have greater flexibility of time when the kids need me though it is more work.

Instead I am here planning out our budget to make sure rent and utilities get paid, grateful for gifts from friends and family that have helped. I am grateful to the school's lunch delivery that we have been able to take advantage of, giving the kids a good walk to the end of the street each day.  I am grateful for the regular checks that come in for the boys disability and survivor-ship benefits which keep us from drowning.  

But I have ideas and plans, and I am committing to get the ball rolling now that the unexpected betrayal and hellish confusion of April is behind us.  The only constant is change...well change and Love, real love not that romantic nonsense, but deep spirit level love that knows no disconnect from the source of all Creation.  It is what binds us together at a level deeper than any betrayal or conquest or challenge.  Maybe I will actually take a deep breathe and publish the book that I wrote a decade ago.  We will see where life leads now that life is opening a new chapter...unknown and undeveloped, perfect for the imagination to create whatever transformation it can hold to...

Rollercoaster from Hell, the shorter-ish version

I wrote a long long post about the Rollercoaster from Hell that has been my experience of the past 4 weeks.  Then decided not to post it as it was very long and too detailed.  Suffice to say that hell is this:  in addition to not having a steady income, working with the kids on their school work, being cooped up due to social distancing with 2 kids with extra needs who really miss their routine and school and friends; and add to that a mentally unstable spouse who has relapsed into heavy drinking, who then decided to try a new tactic for manipulating me (she figured out that telling me she would kill herself if I did not do XYZ no longer works as I just make a call and she ends up in the behavioral health unit for a few days until they are convinced she is not a danger to herself or others); long story short, we got into an argument, she broke something, I told her it was time to get a divorce, she said "give me $100 or I will call the cops and say that you beat me", I didn't believe her.  She kept ranting and raving, and I called the non-emergency sheriff number to find out if he out of control behavior could be grounds  for going involuntarily into treatment, she got angry that I was trying to have her committed again, and she called 911 and said I beat her up.  She had pushed me at one point and I had pushed her back to get away from her prior to the whole phone calls.

Cops came, no marks on anyone, I tell them what is going on, she creates this big sob story lie about me beating her up.   Since I admit to pushing her back after she pushed me and she says she didn't push me, they decide I am the aggressor (lie wins over truth, really people?!?!?!) and arrest me, leaving 2 kids with special needs at home with an obviously intoxicated person with a long history of mental health issues.  So the kids went with my mom amid all this COVID-19 stuff, putting our whole family at risk, I have been dealing with a very overburdened justice system (it took over 3 weeks for the prosecutor to even GET my case). My lawyer has filed a motion for the charges to be dismissed but the prosecutor has not even had a chance to look at the file. So This damn limbo is crazy.  I know it will be alright in the end.  I have no doubt that the bogus charge will be dismissed.

I do not think an arrest was what my wife expected, as she had been trying to get a hold of me since then to find out when I am coming home to her.  She did not understand that here, they HAVE to arrest someone in a domestic violence call if someone claims they were hit, and that person is automatically barred from any contact with the spouse, children, or even coming within a mile of the house.  She had called my mother multiple times saying to have me call or come over (I had to stay at my sister's house).  I really think she thought they would just come over, see that nobody was hurt, and give a stern talking to, then she would have the power to hold over me that if I did not do what she demanded, then she could just call them again.  Little did she know that it actually made the problem of our relationship better, becasue when I tried to kick her out in January, her mother begged me to make sure she was safe.  And since January I have been trying to find either an affordable place for her to move to with me paying the down-payment (all the places I presented she rejected), or to find her a couple of housemates so she could stay here and afford this place, while the kids and I moved.  She rejected all of the people I found to interview.  So, after months of dealing with crazy drunk lady who I could not throw out becasue I am stupidly not willing to let her live on the streets, and her family had refused to take her in, finally she made her own bed.  Now that she has played the victim card, her mother will let her come back home, and she packed up and left over a week ago, 1800 miles away. 

I am finally free of the conflicted feelings of needing her to be out of the house and away from my kids, and the feeling that if she could just feel loved enough she might go back into recovery and be that amazing person that I have seen her to be.  So now it is just a matter of cleaning up this legal mess she made, then finalizing for divorce, and getting life back on a better track for me and my kids.  And never, ever dating until the kids are all grown up.  I seem to always pick substance abusers who can not stay in recovery, and am too stupid to let go before my life gets snowballed.  No more bad choices in people....

Self-isolating Day 16...

Technically, the first week starting on March 16th was the start of the kids' Spring Break, but the Thursday before everything had started with extracurricular activities being canceled and the start of suggested social distancing here in Florida.  But we did take it seriously.  Being from New York and having lived in both Massachusetts and Connecticut in addition to New York State, we are very connected to people who were and still are in the heavy hit area.  So all of our spring break plans were canceled and we have been hanging out at home.

We have been doing some basic online school since last week (as spring break technically was over) using the online desktops that the school provides for the kids, reading the online textbooks.  One teacher set up an account with individual assignments on iknowit.com for math.  Tomorrow we officially begin quarter 4 distance learning through school.  That is the time that the school distract has been able to give teachers to get online classrooms set up and to decide how they want to run their classes.  So I have been trying to get my high-schooler logged in and set up in the google classroom with the codes sent by his teachers.  My other son is in a self contained special education 8th grade classroom.  While he has been doing the online math, and some reading, I got an email from the teacher saying that some of the students do not have access to online, so she is going to do paper packets for all the kids to make it uniform.  Tomorrow I will go to school and pick up his packet.  She will be available for zoom, email, or text.

Having 2 children with special needs and in very specific special education programs, this transition to being at home has been very hard for both of them.  Neither of them adjust to change well, and though so many people have told me I should homeschool them, I have avoided it becasue I think they need social interaction with peers (though the few times we have done partial years homeschooling, they do well academically because it can be completely tailored to their needs, including breaks and environment).  But I also have avoided it becasue both boys have significant behavioral challenges, and I believe thy respond better to correction and modeling by having multiple adults in their lives that they can turn to.  With just one or two people, the anger and frustration gets focused on those adults.  It can be a challenging situation.  So, my hats again go off to the teachers and support staff that has worked with both of my children at schools, and I am again reminded how hard it is to be one of the few adults that my children can turn to becasue they do not have access to their teachers to get the emotional and social support from them as well.

They need more people in their lives, and we need a break from each other so we can enjoy each other more, and I need a break from dealing with their challenges and managing their needs.  So while I think i could home-school them well, I think from a social and emotional aspect, having more good adults in their lives is very important.  For my own sanity, and probably theirs as well, having more people in our lives is a good thing.  This stay at home time is challenging but we are trying to make the best of it, especially as everyone in this house technically has a condition that would put them in the high risk category. 

So today, I am taking care of the chickens, guiding the kids, trying to keep calm to help my son with brain damage stay stable.  We are enjoying the blessings of the school lunch delivery program: they took away the bus as our route has so few kids that were getting lunch, but the school employee got permission to use her personal car to deliver the lunches to the designated spot--so thank God for her willingness to step up even more than she already was. Today I will be continuing to work on my certification to teach online, and hopefully get that finished by tomorrow and be able to take the exams.

By then hopefully all the background checks will be back, and I can get approved to start teaching ESL online.  I had headed in that direction becasue I need to be available for the kids, and their appointments and needs.  The current pandemic is making it clear to me that having a work from home job again is going to be beneficial.  Its just going to be a hard April as we will have little income for the month, but much of the world is in the same predicament.  And those that are essential employees and having to keep working are at such a higher risk, i do not envy them. 

Hoping that people are able to stay the course, follow the rules of social distancing and only necessary outings, and that this pandemic will begin to slow down, and eventually run its course and be done.  And then we can all recover in so many ways.  I think we will be changed, and I hope it is for the better.

A couple of years later....

Wow...life certainly has transformed in the past couple of years, some through well thought out choices, bravely taking big steps towards change without any guarantees, and some through the ebb and flow to the world around us. 

Often I have thought of reviving this blog, even though I had temporarily changed to a different platform.  This is my original and so to blogger I return. I had switched to WordPress as it is easier to monetize and adapt for money making, but I realized that doing so took something away from my personal reasons for writing.  Of course every blogger would love to have a small residual income off their blog.  But for me, making money is not why I started a blog, nor why I want to blog.  And even if it did not earn a few cents here and there, I would still recommend the books that I do because I think my readers could benefit from them. 

I blog to share my journey, good and bad, with others, as I believe we all can benefit from the perspectives and experiences of others.  While we each need to walk our own journey, we can walk beside each other and learn from each other as our paths cross or our roads travel in the same direction for a time. 

This blog is about transformation--the intentional altering of perceptions and actions to change the experience of life.  It is about trying to live proactively in both big and small ways to make life better, for myself, for my family, for my friends and loved ones, for my community, for my state, for my country, for our species, for the world, for all of creation.  For me this blog speaks to my journey in Tikkun Olam--literally meaning To repair the world (Heb)--a Jewish Concept I learned about may years ago in an amazing class in college taught by Marv Wilson.

The past few years for me have been a time of many changes which has resulted in transformation, some events out of my control, some proactive choices of my own:

• the unexpected death of my former spouse whom had become one of my best friends and an active co-parent of our children in June 2017
• dealing with the many challenges of my youngest sons brain damage combined with puberty, which got very bad in 2017 and 2018
• taking an extended leave from work to try to manage the kids needs and my own health needs in 2018
• reconnecting with my estranged spouse to get a divorce only to rekindle our marriage instead
• finally deciding to move with my children nearly 2000 miles to a totally different climate to be closer to some of my family (which took me very far from other family members who I miss so much)
• Learning to live in Florida when I have always lived in the North-East--a very different climate--both physically (as no "real" winter) and culturally (a bit of shock and adjustment)
• Working with my mother on her doughnut business, taking over while she had and healed from spinal surgery; 
• taking care of my baby niece when my sister worked which was so much fun
• managing with my oldest sons very difficult and lengthy adjustment to our new situation, autism does not lend itself to big life changes
• deciding to try to get back to work as a scientific researcher after a decade out of the field (very thankful to the PI who saw my potential and was willing to let me back in the door
• dealing with my spouses relapse again into alcoholism and all of the chaos and challenges that come with that
• Moving on to a FARM finally, having 2 acres with outbuilding in an agricultural setting, though renting, it is still one of my major goals met
• Becoming overwhelmed by the needs of high needs children, now a high needs spouse, and a high level job with a long commute...
• My youngest needing another surgery with another round of a few wheelchair bound
• The decision to reduce my hours at work to better meet the needs of my kids and reduce my own out of control stress issues which raised my blood sugar and blood pressure to dangerous levels again
• The falling through of the reduction of hours due to trusting verbal agreements about the reduction in hours and not waiting for it in writing before putting my resignation from the full time position in writing, then having the boss change her mind about doing the reduced hours position.
• The sweeping changes and guideline, school cancellations, and social distancing recommendations that made it good that I am home at a time like this

Now, at this moment in history, many human beings are helping other by voluntarily doing nothing--by staying home, by distancing themselves socially, by doing self-isolation--protecting the most vulnerable in our society by limiting contact to prevent and slow down the spread of COVID-19.  While it looks like over 80% of those who contract it recover, a good portion without major complications, the elderly, those with respiratory challenges, heart challenges, and other major medical issues (like diabetes, hypertension, decreased immune response, etc...) are at much higher risk of serious complications which include pneumonia, difficulty breathing, heart failure, and even death. 

While this pandemic will not last forever, and in fact it seems like with proper social distancing could be curtailed within 4-6 months.  I base this on the time from the first diagnosed victim in Late December 2019 to today (March 22, 2020) in Wuhan China (no new cases reported for 4 days), it is hopeful that 3-4 months from initial case to the end of each country's disease load will be in the final stages of recovery.   Hopefully by December of 2020, the world will have recovered from this pandemic, and the grief of the loss of thousands will be beginning to heal.  My hope is that people will also look at their neighbors and strangers in a more positive light, remembering that when it comes down to our communities, most of us have been willing to be uncomfortably sequestered so that we all have a better chance at survival. 

Eliminating Suspect Foods

The following table includes a list of food to avoid for each type of intolerance. To eliminate both Histamine and FODMAP foods at the same time would be very difficult and you should seek the help of a registered dietician or nutritionist for that level of food elimination. As with any dietary change, you should talk to your doctor and tell them your plan before you begin. Both the FODMAP and Histamine Intolerance elimination phases are very restrictive, so it is good to do your research beforehand.

One of the best ways to begin ruling out if a certain food, or set of foods, is creating problems for you is through an elimination diet. In this case, to eliminate Histamine Intolerance, you would modify your diet to avoid foods known to increase a histamine reaction. If there is no improvement after 2-3 weeks of avoiding all of those foods (see table below), then it is probably not Histamine Intolerance. If you are feeling better, note which symptoms were alleviated. Then add in one eliminated food at a time slowly, increasing for two weeks, while still avoiding the rest. If you notice symptoms reappearing, write that down, and avoid that food. If after 2 weeks, no symptoms reappear, then add another food from the list. Keep doing this until you have a list of food that your body is sensitive to, and plan your meals around avoiding those foods.

The same process is good for the FODMAP elimination. One of the best approaches is to eliminate ALL FODMAP foods on the table below for 2-3 weeks. Then choose one category of the FODMAPs and slowly introduce one food at time for 2 weeks at a time as directed about. If 3 or 4 foods in a particular category make particular symptoms reappear, it is best to avoid all foods in that category. Once you have eliminated a category or deemed all foods in that category safe for you, move on to the next category.

It is a long process, as body chemistry takes time to shift. But if you are struggling with ongoing fatigue, bloating, pain, brain fog, and other distressing symptoms, it is worth focusing on eliminating particular foods from your diet to feel better in the long run. The process is a long but valuable one, and one that will hopefully give you a clearer head, a more comfortable body, and more energy to live the life you want to be living.

Foods to Avoid For Each Type of Intolerance

Food	Fructose	Oligos	Lactose	Polyols	Ferment	Histamine
Agave	X
Alcohol					X	X
Anchovies						X
Apples	X			X
Apricots				X		X
Artichokes		X
Asparagus		X
Avocados				X		X
Bacon						X
Banana ripe	X					X
Barley		X
Beans		X
Beet Roots		X
Black Tea						X
Broccoli		X
Brussel Sprouts		X
Buttermilk			X			X
Cabbage		X
Cashews		X
Cauliflower				X
Celery				X
Cheese soft			X
Cheese aged						X
Chocolate						X
Citrus fruits						X
Dates		X				X
Deli & Cured Meats						X
Dried fruit						X
Eggplant						X
Energy drinks						X
Fennel		X
Fermented foods						X
Figs						X
Fructose	X
Fruit Juices	X
Garlic		X
Green tea						X
High Fructose Corn Syrup	X
Honey	X
Hot Dogs						X
Hummus		X
Kefir			X		X	X
Kombucha		X			X	X
Leek Bulbs		X
Lentils		X
Mackerel						X
Mahi-Mahi						X
Mangos	X
Mate tea						X
Mayonnaise						X
Milk			X			X
Mushrooms		X		X
Nectarines		X		X
Nuts						X
Olives						X
Onions		X
Papaya						X
Peaches				X
Peanuts						X
Pears	X			X
Peas		X		X
Pepperoni						X
Pickles		X				X
Pineapple						X
Pistachio		X
Plums		X		X
Prunes		X		X		X
Pulses		X
Raisins		X				X
Rye		X
Salami						X
Sardines						X
Sauerkraut						X
Shellfish						X
Smoked fish						X
Snow Peas		X		X
Sour Cream			X			X
Sour Milk			X			X
Soured Bread		X				X
Soured foods						X
Soy milk		X
Soy sauce						X
Spinach						X
Strawberries						X
Sugar free sweets				X
Sugar snap peas	X
Tomatoes						X
Tuna						X
Vinegar						X
Vinegar-containing foods						X
Walnuts						X
Watermelon	X	X		X
Wheat		X				X
Yogurt			X			X