The rollercoaster stopped, but what planet am I on?

All charges have been dropped, all restrictions lifted...that was the call I got last Friday so I was able to go HOME and have my children back fully in time for Mother's Day.  I have no idea if my soon to be ex-spouse didn't show for her meeting with the courts or if she fessed up and told the truth about her adding a lot of lies to the base of truth.  But either way, I have been cleared of all charges.

So that roller-coaster that I somehow got shoved onto in early April finally ended, and its exit is not where I expected.  Though I have been at this carnival of crazy life since well January really, I didn't fully hit the midway until my job disappeared in march and then the COVID pandemic changed all possible plans. Before being shoved onto April's bizarre roller-coaster, I had been working on becoming an online ESL teacher, so I could still work and meet the needs of the boys.  But it has been so long I may have lost my spot, so I need to see if that is even a possibility still.  I also had applied to get my teaching certification in this state and planned to sub the rest of the school year and into next year so I could both grow my in classroom experience and still have the flexibility I need to get the kids to all their appointments, work, and get back to after-school activities that being them both joy and socializing. 

 I also had planned on getting back to wood-burning crafts to sell at farmers markets and craft fairs and rejoin my mom's donuts business.  Lots of little streams of income.  To have greater flexibility of time when the kids need me though it is more work.

Instead I am here planning out our budget to make sure rent and utilities get paid, grateful for gifts from friends and family that have helped. I am grateful to the school's lunch delivery that we have been able to take advantage of, giving the kids a good walk to the end of the street each day.  I am grateful for the regular checks that come in for the boys disability and survivor-ship benefits which keep us from drowning.  

But I have ideas and plans, and I am committing to get the ball rolling now that the unexpected betrayal and hellish confusion of April is behind us.  The only constant is change...well change and Love, real love not that romantic nonsense, but deep spirit level love that knows no disconnect from the source of all Creation.  It is what binds us together at a level deeper than any betrayal or conquest or challenge.  Maybe I will actually take a deep breathe and publish the book that I wrote a decade ago.  We will see where life leads now that life is opening a new chapter...unknown and undeveloped, perfect for the imagination to create whatever transformation it can hold to...

Rollercoaster from Hell, the shorter-ish version

I wrote a long long post about the Rollercoaster from Hell that has been my experience of the past 4 weeks.  Then decided not to post it as it was very long and too detailed.  Suffice to say that hell is this:  in addition to not having a steady income, working with the kids on their school work, being cooped up due to social distancing with 2 kids with extra needs who really miss their routine and school and friends; and add to that a mentally unstable spouse who has relapsed into heavy drinking, who then decided to try a new tactic for manipulating me (she figured out that telling me she would kill herself if I did not do XYZ no longer works as I just make a call and she ends up in the behavioral health unit for a few days until they are convinced she is not a danger to herself or others); long story short, we got into an argument, she broke something, I told her it was time to get a divorce, she said "give me $100 or I will call the cops and say that you beat me", I didn't believe her.  She kept ranting and raving, and I called the non-emergency sheriff number to find out if he out of control behavior could be grounds  for going involuntarily into treatment, she got angry that I was trying to have her committed again, and she called 911 and said I beat her up.  She had pushed me at one point and I had pushed her back to get away from her prior to the whole phone calls.

Cops came, no marks on anyone, I tell them what is going on, she creates this big sob story lie about me beating her up.   Since I admit to pushing her back after she pushed me and she says she didn't push me, they decide I am the aggressor (lie wins over truth, really people?!?!?!) and arrest me, leaving 2 kids with special needs at home with an obviously intoxicated person with a long history of mental health issues.  So the kids went with my mom amid all this COVID-19 stuff, putting our whole family at risk, I have been dealing with a very overburdened justice system (it took over 3 weeks for the prosecutor to even GET my case). My lawyer has filed a motion for the charges to be dismissed but the prosecutor has not even had a chance to look at the file. So This damn limbo is crazy.  I know it will be alright in the end.  I have no doubt that the bogus charge will be dismissed.

I do not think an arrest was what my wife expected, as she had been trying to get a hold of me since then to find out when I am coming home to her.  She did not understand that here, they HAVE to arrest someone in a domestic violence call if someone claims they were hit, and that person is automatically barred from any contact with the spouse, children, or even coming within a mile of the house.  She had called my mother multiple times saying to have me call or come over (I had to stay at my sister's house).  I really think she thought they would just come over, see that nobody was hurt, and give a stern talking to, then she would have the power to hold over me that if I did not do what she demanded, then she could just call them again.  Little did she know that it actually made the problem of our relationship better, becasue when I tried to kick her out in January, her mother begged me to make sure she was safe.  And since January I have been trying to find either an affordable place for her to move to with me paying the down-payment (all the places I presented she rejected), or to find her a couple of housemates so she could stay here and afford this place, while the kids and I moved.  She rejected all of the people I found to interview.  So, after months of dealing with crazy drunk lady who I could not throw out becasue I am stupidly not willing to let her live on the streets, and her family had refused to take her in, finally she made her own bed.  Now that she has played the victim card, her mother will let her come back home, and she packed up and left over a week ago, 1800 miles away. 

I am finally free of the conflicted feelings of needing her to be out of the house and away from my kids, and the feeling that if she could just feel loved enough she might go back into recovery and be that amazing person that I have seen her to be.  So now it is just a matter of cleaning up this legal mess she made, then finalizing for divorce, and getting life back on a better track for me and my kids.  And never, ever dating until the kids are all grown up.  I seem to always pick substance abusers who can not stay in recovery, and am too stupid to let go before my life gets snowballed.  No more bad choices in people....