Some days you just feel sad....and hopeless....and alone...
Helpless in the face of alcoholism (someones in my life not my own)
Helpless in the face of brain damage and behaviors stemming from it (in my kids)
Helpless in the face of too little income with too many bills...prices keep going up and income was too little to meet basic needs before now....
Helpless in the face of disease and disorders (diabetes not coming under control even with focus, eating/exercise changes, medications, doctors, etc...)
Transformation seems like a pipe dream on days like these...
Faith is waning, optimism is at a low....
feeling like I need a miracle to come from the outside because the inner circles of my life are just on a downward spiral into depression...
But at least I know that all things come to an end...both the good and the bad, nothing lasts forever, so I am confident, even in my feelings of sadness,hopelessness, and helplessness, that this too shall come to an end that things will start on an upward track again. I feel like I am in labor (with a new life of my own instead of a baby), some moments being able to look forward with hope and faith and joy at the life I am birthing through my struggles, and at other moments completely crushed by the pains of the contractions. Today is a full on contraction labor pain day of this life transformation....the baby of a new life must be arriving soon!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
long weekend and tummy troubles
One of the issues with the long weekend is that life gets busy. Between the puppy and celebrating one year with my fiance (we started talking one year ago on January 19th), well I have been eating weird and had a couple of glasses of wine. This has resulted in tummy troubles, probably because a new puppy is an awful lot like a new baby int hat they keep waking you up crying at night, and you are forever cleaning up bodily fluids and solids, though instead of being neatly contained in a diaper, you end up with little bombs in various places. While he is getting better at going outside, and is starting to whine a bit when he needs to go to let me know that (at least for pee), training is still al long and gross process.
But between lack of sleep, extra stress, and the wine possibly, my tummy has been having some troubles. So I am not food tracking the last couple of days. I will get back to tomorrow and hopefully will also feel a heck of a lot better by then too.
I have spent the day trying to really hit the pavement on job applications, though in today's world for technical lab jobs, that means hitting the internet and filling out a bunch of online application forms, writing cover letters, and tailoring my circum vitae resume. though usually I just leave the CV as is as most jobs are similar enough and match my skill set/experience and tailor the cover letter to highlight my experience that pertains to that job. I am really going to look into relocating as there is just nothing around here for jobs. I hate the idea of moving, finding a handicap accessible place that takes dogs and hopefully a farm that can take chickens as my ability to purchase a house is impaired due to a long time of living on very little money and having back medical bills on my credit report for Josiah's issues when he was a baby and needed all those medical interventions prior to having secondary insurance (we had primary insurance but 200K for one hospital stay even paid at 90% still leaves over 20K owed, and he had multiple hospital stays). SO within a few years of securing a position I should be able to repair my credit and save up for a good down payment on a small farm. Until then, my brother can probably take my chickens. I would love to go back to a college town as in a small city with a large research university. I don not necessarily have to work at the university, but I like that types of city with surround rural areas.
But between lack of sleep, extra stress, and the wine possibly, my tummy has been having some troubles. So I am not food tracking the last couple of days. I will get back to tomorrow and hopefully will also feel a heck of a lot better by then too.
I have spent the day trying to really hit the pavement on job applications, though in today's world for technical lab jobs, that means hitting the internet and filling out a bunch of online application forms, writing cover letters, and tailoring my circum vitae resume. though usually I just leave the CV as is as most jobs are similar enough and match my skill set/experience and tailor the cover letter to highlight my experience that pertains to that job. I am really going to look into relocating as there is just nothing around here for jobs. I hate the idea of moving, finding a handicap accessible place that takes dogs and hopefully a farm that can take chickens as my ability to purchase a house is impaired due to a long time of living on very little money and having back medical bills on my credit report for Josiah's issues when he was a baby and needed all those medical interventions prior to having secondary insurance (we had primary insurance but 200K for one hospital stay even paid at 90% still leaves over 20K owed, and he had multiple hospital stays). SO within a few years of securing a position I should be able to repair my credit and save up for a good down payment on a small farm. Until then, my brother can probably take my chickens. I would love to go back to a college town as in a small city with a large research university. I don not necessarily have to work at the university, but I like that types of city with surround rural areas.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
New Puppy, new ideas, and a return to work hopefully
Well, I have done what I said I would never do again. We have a new puppy in the house. I love to visit other people's puppies, laugh at their antics, snuggle their cute fluffiness, and I am always happy to leave them at their home for all of the tough stuff. My Narni is 8 years old, She was very good as puppies go, in part due to her tiny size, and thus the tiny size of housebreaking messes and her tiny mouth could not chew the heck out of many bigger things.
Jake is a Christmas gift for Julie. she got to pick him out a couple of weeks before Christmas and we have just been waiting for him to be old enough to bring home. Yesterday was the day he came home.
He and Narni are getting along well. He was a bit lonely and scared of course when he first got here, but he seems to be settling in well.
He is a shepherd mix, and will be around 50 lbs when full grown. He is a beautiful little puppy.
Right now, Jake is the same size as Narni right now, he is about 8 weeks old, and she is 8 years old! The kids are having fun, though Josiah is having a bit of trouble adjusting, as usual. He likes the puppy and is trying to understand everything.
So I have been reading up on how to house train your puppy, how to train your puppy, how to feed your puppy, how to establish the right pack hierarchy so that you are in charge and the puppy is happy to behave, etc... It is amazing, but it is a lot like working with kids with special needs. Focus on rewarding expected acceptable behavior, do not put a lot of energy into negative consequences, wait for calm behavior before giving the food bowl, teach trust not fear, establish authority through patience and consistency, and boundaries are more loving than mushiness.
It just has reminded me that I have been slowly going back to the societal parenting style of lots of negative consequences and giving way to much energy to what I don't want than what I do want with my kids. And that I need to ensure I am being consistent, holding firm boundaries, praising accepted behavior, and not giving a lot of energy to negative consequences. Both boys have lost their handheld computer thingy due to very unacceptable behavior at the store the other day. And I have been just trying to be matter of fact about it when they ask for it--reminding them that they did lose that privileged and why without getting into an argument with them. I realize that I have lost some of the authority I used to have, and that is in part due to so much inconsistency over the past few months due to many changes.
I foresee more changes coming down the pike, as I am still trying to find get back into a career field, as the boys issues are now well defined, and I am confident that the family will be able to handle me returning to work outside the home full-time. the way the job search is going (I have had a few interviews but there are a lot of applicants and not a lot of jobs, especially around here in my field) it is going to take a while, and may necessitate a move back near a major research university. But that will give time to get the puppy trained and secure, and the kids will be able to stay in the same schools until a really good opportunity comes along. It has just been too long that we have been living just squeaking by, and some months not being able to meet all of our basic needs (like rent, utilities, food, gas, car insurance). I grew up living below the poverty line, lived a middle class life for a while both before and after having kids, and then returned to below poverty level a few years ago. I do not disparage the time I have spent remembering how to be more self-sufficient, or rediscovering how hard working people living on little money are. So many middle class and wealthy people these days seem to think those with less money are lazy of do not work hard. Most people of low income that I know work 50-60 hours a week, help out their family and community, and really understand the responsibility they have to the community they live in. It is good to be reminded that public perception is often wrong or based on a subset of individuals, not on the majority of people of a certain classification. though I will be happy to get back to my career, I made the choice to focus on children with special needs, and now that their needs are well defined and can be met more easily, I am happy to be on track to work full-time again, to have a career focused job, and to make a livable paycheck.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
wow, weird eating day and food tracking Friday January 17, 2014
Some days are really not great on nutrition, eating balanced, or cutting out refined sugars. Today, Friday has been one of those days that just was not a good transformation day. I did keep it below 2000 calories, but not by much, and did drink 10 glasses of water, but definitely not the way I want to eat everyday, as it is not optimum for my health. One a good note, Gonzo had his 5th & 6th grade concert today and he did great! The chorus was surprisingly very good for such a small school. I was really impressed. The band did well too, the kids are all beginners and Gonzo is learning to play the drums. Josiah even enjoyed the concert without a fit of jealousy, which was AMAZING! Prior to the concert when he was mad that he was not going to be on stage, I reminded him that he got to be filmed for TV on Tuesday and his brother did not, so this was Gonzo's turn to be in the spotlight. And not only did he remain calm during the performance, but he actually really enjoyed it too. So a win on all fronts. Then my mother, who came to the concert too, took us out to lunch, which was really great.
So, my food tracking for the day:
So, my food tracking for the day:
Breakfast | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 2 large ⊗ | 144 | 1 | 10 | 13 |
| Ham, extra lean, (5% fat), 1 slice (6-1/4" x 4" x 1/16") ⊗ | 37 | 0 | 1 | 5 |
| American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗ | 158 | 1 | 13 | 9 |
| Bread - whole wheat sandwich, Great Value (1 slice), 2 serving ⊗ | 140 | 24 | 2 | 6 |
| Tangerines, 1 small (2-1/4" dia) ⊗ | 31 | 8 | 0 | 0 |
| BREAKFAST TOTALS: | 509 | 34 | 26 | 34 |
| BREAKFAST GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Lunch | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Whole Wheat Spaghetti, cooked (pasta), 0.5 cup ⊗ | 87 | 19 | 0 | 4 |
| Spaghetti/Marinara Sauce (tomato sauce), 0.25 cup ⊗ | 36 | 5 | 1 | 1 |
| Ground beef, lean, 1 oz ⊗ | 75 | 0 | 6 | 5 |
| Bread, rye, 2 slice ⊗ | 165 | 31 | 2 | 5 |
| Corned Beef Deli Sliced, 3 oz ⊗ | 90 | 2 | 2 | 17 |
| Sauerkraut, 0.5 cup ⊗ | 13 | 3 | 0 | 1 |
| Thousand Island Salad Dressing, 1 tbsp ⊗ | 58 | 2 | 5 | 0 |
| LUNCH TOTALS: | 523 | 61 | 17 | 32 |
| LUNCH GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Dinner | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Applesauce, unsweetened, 0.5 cup ⊗ | 51 | 14 | 0 | 0 |
| Charleston Breakfast Casserole, 1 serving (view recipe) ⊗ | 361 | 15 | 25 | 19 |
| DINNER TOTALS: | 412 | 29 | 25 | 19 |
| DINNER GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Snack | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Little Debbie Cherry Cordials, 2 serving ⊗ | 340 | 48 | 16 | 2 |
| SNACK TOTALS: | 340 | 48 | 16 | 2 |
| SNACK GOALS: | 175 - 219 | 22 - 27 | 6 - 7 | 9 - 11 |
Snack 2 | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Cookie Crisp Cereal (corn with other grains), 1 cup ⊗ | 117 | 26 | 1 | 1 |
| Milk, 1%, 0.5 cup ⊗ | 51 | 6 | 1 | 4 |
| SNACK 2 TOTALS: | 168 | 33 | 2 | 5 |
| SNACK 2 GOALS: | 175 - 219 | 22 - 27 | 6 - 7 | 9 - 11 |
| CALORIES | CARBS | FAT | PROTEIN | |
| Totals: | 1952 | 205 | 86 | 92 |
| Your Daily Goal: | 1,400 - 1,750 | 175 - 219 | 47 - 58 | 70 - 88 |
| Remaining Today: | 0 | 0 - 14 | 0 | 0 |
food tracking Thursday Jan 16, 2014
Thursday January 16, 2014
Breakfast | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 2 large ⊗ | 144 | 1 | 10 | 13 |
| Butter, salted, 1 tbsp ⊗ | 102 | 0 | 12 | 0 |
| *Great Value-Whole Wheat Bread, 2 serving ⊗ | 120 | 22 | 20 | 8 |
| Bacon - Farmland Thick Sliced Bacon, 0.3 serving ⊗ | 21 | 0 | 2 | 1 |
| American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗ | 158 | 1 | 13 | 9 |
| BREAKFAST TOTALS: | 545 | 23 | 56 | 31 |
| BREAKFAST GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Lunch | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| *Rice-a-Roni -Chicken Flavor, 8 oz ⊗ | 310 | 51 | 9 | 7 |
| Spinach, frozen, 2 cup ⊗ | 106 | 20 | 1 | 12 |
| Cider Vinegar, 2 tbsp ⊗ | 4 | 2 | 0 | 0 |
| Chicken Breast (cooked), no skin, roasted, 4 ounces ⊗ | 137 | 0 | 3 | 26 |
| LUNCH TOTALS: | 558 | 73 | 13 | 45 |
| LUNCH GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Dinner | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗ | 158 | 1 | 13 | 9 |
| Mayonnaise, regular (mayo), 0.5 tbsp ⊗ | 45 | 0 | 5 | 0 |
| Iceberg Lettuce (salad), 1 leaf, large ⊗ | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Onions, raw, 1 slice, thin ⊗ | 3 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
| Tomatoes, red, ripe, raw, year round average, 2 slice, thin/small ⊗ | 6 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
| Bar S Premium Deli Turkey Breast Lunch Meat, 2 serving ⊗ | 70 | 4 | 1 | 10 |
| Bread - whole wheat sandwich, Great Value (1 slice), 2 serving ⊗ | 140 | 24 | 2 | 6 |
| DINNER TOTALS: | 424 | 31 | 21 | 26 |
| DINNER GOALS: | 350 - 438 | 44 - 55 | 12 - 15 | 18 - 22 |
Snack | Calories Carbs Fat Protein |
| Turkey Hill Blueberry Muffin Frozen Yogurt, 0.5 cup ⊗ | 120 | 23 | 3 | 3 |
| SNACK TOTALS: | 120 | 23 | 3 | 3 |
| SNACK GOALS: | 175 - 219 | 22 - 27 | 6 - 7 | 9 - 11 |
Snack 2 |
None
| SNACK 2 TOTALS: | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| SNACK 2 GOALS: | 175 - 219 | 22 - 27 | 6 - 7 | 9 - 11 |
| CALORIES | CARBS | FAT | PROTEIN | |
| Totals: | 1647 | 151 | 93 | 104 |
| Your Daily Goal: | 1,400 - 1,750 | 175 - 219 | 47 - 58 | 70 - 88 |
| Remaining Today: | 0 - 103 | 24 - 68 | 0 | 0 |
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