But we are going out more. I took the boys to a small grocery store the other day. Aside from going to their Grandma's to help make the donuts and J being my fellow donut stand worker from 9 to noon on saturdays, the boys have not gone out since April. So they needed to get some empowerment (small but picking out groceries gives them some control over their lives) and some seeing other faces. The paper masks I bought at home depot the other day were more comfortable than the sock masks I made, so the boys were not uncomfortable.
The chickens and dogs have been keeping us entertained though the rabbits have dug a burrow under their hutch so we dont see them as often. The heat is getting bad here in florida so i dont blame them for seeking the cool of underground.
I can not say it has been a "productive" few weeks, but I can say that I have been healing emotionally and rebuilding my internal sense of self. In some ways I have cocooned and just done very little on the outside. Finally I am waking up and the boys are also healing. Yelling outbursts have reduced, everyone is getting better at giving themselves space as they get upset, and the intense chaos that addiction and insanity brought to our family is finally losing its influence.
My soon to be ex-spouse remains blocked on all of out social media. Though I do hope that someday we have all healed enough in a few years to reconnect for brief check-ins, if it is safe for our mental health. But having had a long separation before, I am thinking this may be one person that a clean break is the only way for everyone to feel safe and sane.
I am hopeful that as the boys and I continue to heal and to work together through this stuff, as each of us finds and acknowledges what we are responsible for and accepts what we are not, that we can sort through these emotions, and see where we can make better choices so that we dont repeat the same problems. We want to focus on solutions, closure, letting go, and moving forward.
