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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Healing can be itchy...

I got a sunburn last week while out in the canoe with my love.  Just on the tops of my legs, from the knee to the edge of my shorts, so like 6-7 inches of sunburned skin on each leg.  It was slightly painful to the touch (or rub when you move in your sleep and it rubbed against the bed--ouch) for a few days, then got that weird mottled look right before showing a nice golden tan underneath. Of course to get to that nice tan, the burned layer of skin needs to slough off...which is part of the healing process, and it is itchy!!  So for the past couple of days I have been itching off little bits of dead skin.  My son asked why my skin looked weird, and I told him, then I added that sometimes healing can be itchy.

And I realized that is very true for all kinds of healing...even emotional hurts....the healing process is sometimes uncomfortable, slightly painful at times, irritating, rough, somewhat annoying, a bit ugly, and yes, even itchy.  But at the end of that, is fresh, beautiful, healed skin, hearts, souls, it is totally worth it. As I have been facing some interesting challenges and decisions lately, I have realized that some of the reasons I am facing these challenges is that I have been seeking healing for some stuff that has gone on over the past few years (some of which I will be posting on over the next two weeks).  The Universe, the Powerful Consciousness of God, my Source that knows me better than I know myself, has been amazing in presenting me with the situations, people, and circumstances that have been instrumental in helping on this road to healing...between my significant other, my sister, my other sister, my mother, my children, my ex, poultry, job situations, and a variety of other people, places, and things, that need me in their lives as much as I need them, I have been growing more lately than I had for a while.  Everything happens for a reason, the people (and circumstances) we need come when they can teach us something and we can teach them something.  And healing is is is somewhat annoying, especially when facing something I have faced before and not listened to my intuition, to be given a chance to heal and learn a lesson in a new way, with a new is a great gift....

and an itchy one... :/

Monday, July 8, 2013

Focusing on the desired outcome, not the "how"

I had a conversation yesterday that got me thinking about how I perceived the law of attraction teaching when I was first introduced to them, and how I perceive them now that I have worked with them for a few years.  I was talking about a particular set of opportunities that have come into my sphere of consciousness (not in those words, that is just how I think about them, actually talking like that makes me sound weird.. :) ) and I was talking about choosing from the opportunities presented to me.  And her response was that she MAKES her opportunities, they are not presented to her.   I love this sister of mine very much, and she has done many great things in her life, and transformed her life in many, many ways over the past few years--particularly in the monetary wealth and new adventures realms--and she has done much of it by changing her thinking patterns, altering her focus, and her own understanding of the law of attraction.  But what strikes me as odd, is that she often seems more stress and in some ways more lonely than she used to be. It could just be difficult family dynamics and the fact that I most often see her at family gatherings.

But the juxtaposition of her apparent unhappiness in that situation and her response that she makes her own opportunities made me think.  I was first introduced to the idea that you manifest your own world about 10 years, and it was both freeing and amazing as a concept, but it also created tension within me. Having read Neale Donald Walsh's Conversations with God in 2003, my entire life changed.  Discovering Wayne Dyer in 2004 kept that knowledge growing.  I didn't find Rhonda Byrne's The Secret until 2009.  And later was introduced to the Abraham-Hicks teachings.  Since them I have explored the Silva Method, A Course in Miracles, Healing with the Masters, and many other amazing transformational teachers, concepts, ideas, and methods.  It was freeing because once I accepted it, I realized I could "have, do or be anything..." that I wanted (quote from The Secret), and I accepted that the "bad" things in my life were not things outside of my control or my abilities to respond in a positive way to those painful experiences.  And at first I focused on material goods--I wanted more money, I wanted a bigger house, I wanted a nicer car...and I struggled with the process of was that going to could I get what I wanted...and I walked a number of different paths. I could co-create my life with the Power Consciousness that I call God, my creator, my Source Energy, the Alpha and omega...  
At first I felt very empowered, especially in the early years 2003-2006.  I was going to make my life exactly what I wanted it to be....I was going to make all of my dreams come true.  I wanted to finish my PhD, so I pushed ahead and applied to 3 programs--got accepted, and even got full funding for 5 years at 2 of the 3 universities (the third was a teaching assistanceship that had to be renewed every year).  I was very excited that this dream that I had had since I was 13 was going to come true.  I also wanted to be a parent, and the idea that I could manifest my own desires really gave me the push I needed to start the adoption process, a process that I was told could take 3-5 years before having a child join the family.  My lifelong dream of adopting children with special needs became a reality far sooner that I had planned, and I had a difficult decision to make between two amazing opportunities to fulfill dreams that I had, both of them since around 13 years old.  I chose to do only one at  a time, and as I was 30, decided being a parent in my 30's and 40's would be easier than it would be a decade later.  So I let go of my Fellowship and my PhD acceptance.  And since 2006, have been a parent to two amazing, incredible, difficult, wonderful, challenging, and inspiring children--who are now 10 and almost 7.    It was one of the most difficult decisions in my life to walk away from the PhD at that point in time, and it was a time I realized that sometimes it is okay to not get everything you want all at once.

Life has had a lot of challenges since that decision, and many of the "material" things I thought were important to me have become less important.  I realized that much of my desire was not for particular things, for a particular amount of money or a particular status.  Instead of manifesting what I wanted, my life transformed in a way to show me the true desires of my heart...not the surface desires of what I "want"...but rather that deep soul level desires that the spiritual "me", the core "me" needs to be the person I was born to be.  And my understanding of the law of attraction has shifted.  Instead of working like a dog to make more money, or focusing on money at all...I have found great peace in what I have, and have found that I have great strength and resourcefulness even without monetary wealth...and my heart is more at peace because of it.  NOW I feel like monetary wealth would not destroy the person that I want to be, because it no longer matters to me if I have a certain level of wealth....I am content with knowing that I am strong and resourceful, and that I don't need money or things to make me happy.  Did I "focus" on wealth...yes...and it made me depressed and conflicted because I had many negative beliefs about wealth  and my own worthiness...and because when I could not MAKE the opportunities flourish, I got very down on myself.  The struggles that life did offer me, helped me to learn that monetary wealth is NOT a desire of my heart, but the self-assurance, resourcefulness, and the ability to live in community with others IS a desire of my heart---and that is what the  Universe brought to me, because I attracted the desire of my heart.

I have also learned that sometimes the shorted distance from where you are to the things/experiences/people your heart desires, can be through difficult valleys that get rid of the confusion, and bring clarity.  I am slowly learning to trust the process, to enjoy the journey that I always said i enjoyed but was always fighting.  I look back 5 years, and I find that so many thing that I stated i wanted, that I put the intention out int o the universe for, have actually come into being--though the how has been completely different than any path I would have chosen for myself.

I live in a handicapped accessible house, and there are enough bedrooms that the boys each have their own. but they don't want their own, and continue to share one to sleep in and the other room "Josiah's room that he doesn't sleep in" as they call it, has the guitars, drum set, and other instruments, as well as spare clothes and some storage in addition to Josiah's dresser and other bed.  What we think would be exactly what we want is not always what we want.  And with Josiah's recent improvements, he does not NEED the level of accessibility that I thought he was going to.  While that could still change and his needs may go up as he grows, it is nice to know that nothing is set in stone.

I work from home, doing child care.  I thought for years I wanted to open a family home day care...and when I finally did, I learned that it is not actually what I want to do.  I have now tried it twice (as Josiah's needs prompted a return to driving over 100 miles a day to get him to his special school), so I took a few months off to do that and have returned to childcare as of this past April, thinking that my stress and desire to not do it after the summer last year was just due to external stresses.  But I have found that although I love children, and enjoy working with them, a family home day care is really not something I am fulfilled doing.

I have wanted chickens, I have chickens (and a quail!), I have wanted rabbits, and we have rabbits.

I have wanted a significant other who reaches my heart in ways i never dreamed, and I met her in January.  And while it is not the relationship I dreamed it would be, I have found many avenues for growth, love, greater compassion, and this relationship has been helping me to grow more and more into the person I want to has made me a better person to love my love.  And it is showing me areas of my unconscious mind that I have a lot of negativity...things that do get in the way of attracting certain experiences.

I have a number of other little examples as wel, but over all, i am finding that if I really seek the desires of my heart, the connections of Spirit and God that I seek, the connections of people and community that I seek, the experiences that will build up my peace, my joy, and my ability to see how blessed I am...that life is truly transformed--not by monetary wealth, but by the understanding that I am able to thrive; not by having the "right" home or car or job, but by the recognition that life changes all the time and "things" come and go to help us on our way; not by having the "dream" connections and elbow rubbing, but by BEING the person that I want to be to those that I meet.

And yes, a number of interesting paths have opened (and closed) unexpectedly over the past year, and what I focused on last year does not have as much meaning this year...and what is good for my kids this year is different than it was 2 years as we all change and grow, the Universe is continually opening up paths for me to explore...not to judge or to hang on to so tightly that I can't touch anything else...but rather to explore, enjoy, try it on, and wear it as long as it fits and is comfortable for the focus of my heart and soul.  One of the paths opening up has come with the inspiration of a path towards my PhD again.  I can not see all of the effects of that path, we never can, but I do know now that what I want and what I think I want are not always the same thing.  But that the Law of Attraction works on both the focus of our Spirits and the focus of our minds.  Dis-ease and unhappiness comes when those two are misaligned.  The struggles of the past few years have really helped me to see that aligning and centering my heart and my mind with the desires of my soul really create the most amazing outcomes.

May the paths that I am exploring lead to many new adventures that help to build me and my children and my significant other and all of the people we come into contact with into the people we desire to be, even if the outside world can not see it...I find that peace in my heart is more transformational than any of the outside fluff.  I enjoy the fluff (or get frustrated by it) and the fluff is not unimportant, but I just find that the fluff is to be experienced and enjoyed,  and allowed to blow away on the wind when the time comes.  So I welcome the challenges, I cry the tears, I experience the whole gammet of emotions that makes me who I am, and I know that life is more about how to perceive our world and less about "what happens to us" or "what we make happen".  It is not about HOW we can make it happen, it is about enjoying the unfolding of the opportunities, and acting when we feel compelled to act, even if the path is not as clear as we would otherwise like it to be.  It is about trusting that the desires of our hearts are known by the Source Energy, even if we are unclear in our minds, and knowing that each experience brought to us is God's gift to help us move down the path to the desires of our hearts.  The more we resist, the more we make excuses, and the more we push things that are not what we need, the slower and more dis-ease we will experience.  I have been resisting for too long, and making excuses as top WHY I can't do this, that or the other thing, and it has manifests as disease in my body.  And for a while now, I have followed the disease instead of seeking ease, instead of following the leading of Spirit...that mistake, that mis-focus is changing I follow the path of peace even if I can not see what is at the end of it...because I know it is not about making opportunities or getting what I want, but rather it is about having the deepest desires of my heart of hearts...the rest is just fluff...  May I continue to learn this lesson and to share it with others....