There seems to be a run of emotional challenges lately, not only in my life and the people around me, but in the blogging world as a whole. Some of my very favorite bloggers have written some really incredible and amazing posts about depression and mental illness lately. And I am so honored by their courage to step up and talk about their personal experiences with this very difficult and often misunderstood challenge. As I have struggled--sometimes mildly and sometimes very severely--with depression, anxiety and a few other issues in my personal life, and know that when you share that with people who never really have experienced true clinical depression or clinical anxiety, it can be disconcerting. It can change the way a person looks at you or treats you because they don't understand it. You don't have to understand it, I am still the same person I was yesterday and a decade ago--it is just a part of me that adds an extra layer of challenges AND insights to life.
As I have been struggling with a resurgence of it lately, and my ex is struggling with a really severe bout of it right now, I have been amazed at how many of my favorite hilarious bloggers have been open about it. So I am going to post a few links to some of the things that they ahve said, because--one, I am not really brave enough to discuss my person demons online in a public blog, and two, they say it so well and so succinctly that I can not top it:
The first is Allie at Hyperbole and A Half, who does a great humorous and amazingly accurate description of what it is like: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
The second is Jenny aka The Bloggess, who is just incredibly hilarious, but did this amazing post/video about depression http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/ Jenny says quite a bit about depression and struggle with mental health, She is incredible and amazing, and a person whose courage and openness is just wonderful. Here is another post of hers on the subject: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/
A third one, who keeps taking down her amazing posts about depression, but who is comical and real and raw is Emerald Wynn (whose post about a week ago I would have loved to have shared as it was very poignant, but alas she took it down). So I will share another post of her where she is very real about depression (sandwiched in the middle of the post), as I really think it is important: http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-loneliness-thats-killer.html And this post and the poemy thing at the end of this is definitely worth sharing: http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-love-you-i-hate-you-but-ill-always.html And another one of hers on the topic that I liked as well http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/06/invasion-of-body-snatchers.html OH, and Second Life, which is what Em talks about and where the pics come from, is a virtual world where you can meet real people from all over. For me, who feels isolated living where I do without connections to the range of cultures and personalities and idea I am used to and need in my life, Second Life has given me the chance to meet and "hang out" with a wider variety of people. Though with the work on the house, I have only stopped in world a couple of times in the past 6 weeks, so I am neglecting my second life some as my regular life is so insanely busy. If anyone does go on, look me up and IM me or send a friend request--I am AlabasterCamel in world, and usually be found in UUTopia, LP, or Greek Gold (I know there are thousands of worlds in second life, but those are the three I frequent most often).
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
When a day goes well....
...it is a good reprieve from the stress and frustration of other days.
Today was a calm day all around, which has been a much needed thing. I only babysat this morning, so the day was pretty clear. I focused on refiguring and repricing the materials that I need to do the renovations now that I finally have the building permit. My mother stopped by and took me out to lunch, which was a wonderful treat. It is good to talk with my mom without kids distracting us. After that I went back to working on finding the best price I can for materials.
I was trying not to stress out too much about some things that happened at school yesterday that the principal had called about yesterday. he was going to look into it more today, and so I was wondering what that would amount to. In the early afternoon I got the call from the school, and was able to talk for a while with the CSE chair about the issue, which thankfully they perceived to be the same as I had, and did not turn out to be as big as what I perceived the principal had made it seem yesterday. So that brought some stress relief.
Josiah had a good day at school, which is always a good thing. his frog chart (behavior chart with a frog on it) had 12 out of 12 happy faces. So he got a star student star. Gonzo also had a good day at school. The boys were both calm and happy this afternoon. A got out of work early today (was here by 5:00), and as planned, took the boys over there for dinner and to hang out until about 7:30. The boys really enjoy being there, and though Josiah wanted to spend the night there, he only resisted coming home a little bit. I was willing to let him stay even though it is a school night, but A was not up for it. And normally I wouldn't have been either, as we have agreed the kids should have a consistent school night routine and sleep at home with me on school nights. Hopefully they will get to spend one of the weekend nights with A. While they have only spent a couple of nights with A, they have enjoyed it. And A has been sober for 3 weeks now, and things are calmer all around. A has also been more consistent with the kids, which has been good. They enjoy having both of their parents.
I had a low key evening while the kids were with A. I enjoyed soup for dinner, watch a couple of episodes of Star Trek:Enterprise, and checked some things out online. The kids came home, took showers and got ready for bed. We did the advent calendar, which provided their snack (as it is a chocolate advent calendar with a little piece of chocolate behind each day). The kids took their evening meds and then brushed their teeth without complaining or arguing. Then I read them books until they drifted off to sleep.
I have learned through experience that the best way to ward off depression is to do things that bring you peace, AND appreciate the time and ability to do those things. So today was a good day for bring stress levels down and finding an internal peace....
Today was a calm day all around, which has been a much needed thing. I only babysat this morning, so the day was pretty clear. I focused on refiguring and repricing the materials that I need to do the renovations now that I finally have the building permit. My mother stopped by and took me out to lunch, which was a wonderful treat. It is good to talk with my mom without kids distracting us. After that I went back to working on finding the best price I can for materials.
I was trying not to stress out too much about some things that happened at school yesterday that the principal had called about yesterday. he was going to look into it more today, and so I was wondering what that would amount to. In the early afternoon I got the call from the school, and was able to talk for a while with the CSE chair about the issue, which thankfully they perceived to be the same as I had, and did not turn out to be as big as what I perceived the principal had made it seem yesterday. So that brought some stress relief.
Josiah had a good day at school, which is always a good thing. his frog chart (behavior chart with a frog on it) had 12 out of 12 happy faces. So he got a star student star. Gonzo also had a good day at school. The boys were both calm and happy this afternoon. A got out of work early today (was here by 5:00), and as planned, took the boys over there for dinner and to hang out until about 7:30. The boys really enjoy being there, and though Josiah wanted to spend the night there, he only resisted coming home a little bit. I was willing to let him stay even though it is a school night, but A was not up for it. And normally I wouldn't have been either, as we have agreed the kids should have a consistent school night routine and sleep at home with me on school nights. Hopefully they will get to spend one of the weekend nights with A. While they have only spent a couple of nights with A, they have enjoyed it. And A has been sober for 3 weeks now, and things are calmer all around. A has also been more consistent with the kids, which has been good. They enjoy having both of their parents.
I had a low key evening while the kids were with A. I enjoyed soup for dinner, watch a couple of episodes of Star Trek:Enterprise, and checked some things out online. The kids came home, took showers and got ready for bed. We did the advent calendar, which provided their snack (as it is a chocolate advent calendar with a little piece of chocolate behind each day). The kids took their evening meds and then brushed their teeth without complaining or arguing. Then I read them books until they drifted off to sleep.
I have learned through experience that the best way to ward off depression is to do things that bring you peace, AND appreciate the time and ability to do those things. So today was a good day for bring stress levels down and finding an internal peace....
Recognizing my shortcoming.....
Actually, I think I should have entitled this "Getting whacked across the head and slapped in the face by my own shortcomings....."
I woke up Monday morning about 20 minutes before i had to get up. I did NOT relish the idea of crawling out of bed, letting the dog out, getting the kids clothes for school together and waking them up...I did not relish the thought of having to vacuum and wash last nights dishes before the kids I take care of arrive....I did not relish the thought of another day of worrying about how Josiah's day was going....I did not relish the thought of dealing with the building permit process AGAIN (yes, I am still working on just GETTING the permit)....relish, relish relish--maybe I need to add some mustard to my thoughts....
So after a few minutes of dreading the day, a day that had not even started yet, a day fresh and new, a day that Who Knows what is going to happen, I realize I had already judged a day that had not even begun...
I have been doing that too much lately. A dear family member of mine is going through a deep depression. I can empathize with her and give her advice and a listening ear because I have been there. I spent many years struggling with clinical depression, which eventually neared the debilitating level. I finally got serious about fixing some old problems that I never dealt with by going into some intensive therapy. It was not an overnight fix, it was a few years of developing a rapport with a new therapist, working through various trauma's on a variety of different levels, and learning to trust myself, and to know how to separate the emotions tied into the past from the actual emotions of the present. Sure I worked full time, had a good social life, and an overall successful and good life while I was doing that. The internal changes that came about gave me the ability to really appreciate and enjoy those external successes. It was amazing, for the first time in my life I knew how to embrace life without have a constant cloud subduing and dampening everything.
That was before I met A, before I adopted my children, before all hell broke lose in our lives 3 years ago....And I weathered the ups and downs, ins and outs of these past three years well. Even with the many challenges, the losses, the stress....All of it I have been able to role with. My battle with clinical depression appeared to be over...if I could make it through all of what I made it through the past few years and still have my emotions and attitude in check, well I figured I had truly overcome depression (real depression, not hte normal blues and blahs that everyone gets).
But lately I have found my attitude being in totally the wrong place, sometimes, Like Monday, bad from before I even get out of bed. Today should have been a great day--I went with Josiah's class on a field trip in the morning. We had fun, and it was great to be part of that adventure. It was only a 1/2 day trip, so the kids still had school to finish when we got back. I knew Josiah was tired, but his wonderful aid was going to have him take a rest on his mat. I figured he would fall asleep, so I left to run errands before my little charge was to be dropped off at 2:00. I went to my dad's and fed and watered the chickens. Then I got my mail, and my parents gifts had come in. Christmas shopping is almost done. Then I went home and checked messages, I got a call from the town, and my building permit was done!! Yippee!!! So I ran down there and paid the fee and got my permit, NOW i can begin renovating my new space and turning it from a laundromat into a house equipped to do daycare. I was back easily in time to be there when the little one I babysit came. So I should have had a good day, right...?
Well, after Jos got home, the phone rang and it was the school principal telling me that Josiah had exhibited a very disturbing behavior and asked if his aid had said anything. She had not said much, just that he did not nap and had a rough period int he afternoon, but that he had come around and finished the day okay. But the principal was very concerned, and was going to look into the incident more closely.
And I had an emotional meltdown. THAT is what is zapping my strength, that is my shortcoming...I don't understand what is going on with Josiah. He has always been my little charmer, my ALWAYS happy boy. He has always been strong willed but ever since he was a baby, he has been pleasant and self-motivates, and more than willing to push through obstacles. But ever since starting school KINDERGARTEN he has been exhibiting SO many behaviors, so much frustration, so many inappropriate responses and actions--I am literally beside myself trying to figure out what is going on with him. The weird thing is that if this were Gonz, I would be upset or annoyed with it, but not dumbfounded, because Gonz HAS a lot of social and emotional issues that stem from so many places. With Gonz, I almost expect poor behavior and work very hard to support, encourage, and wrangle him into a secure position to keep behaviors and anxiety in check. BUT JOSIAH!?!!??
My shortcomings that have been running into me lately--I have not been eating right--yes, I do the whole grains, eats beans, lean meats, and try to get enough veggies--but lately my evening have wrought with hunger that is not based in nutritional need but rather in emotional need, so I have been over eating very often. I have not had the energy to keep a neat or tidy house, so every morning when I get up, I run around for the first half hour doing dishes from the day before, cleaning up the living room, doing all the things that I could have and should have done the night before. I have multiple baskets filled with clean unfolded clothes, that need to be folded and put away, but I have a motivational or action block that I just donw' understand. And the longer these behavior issues with Josiah go on, the more I feel like i must be doing something wrong as a parent. I have tried so many different "expert" parenting techniques (and some old school ones too). I don't know how to help him understand that his behavior is making his life uncomfortable. I don't know how to understand what is wrong that makes him have to act out in such drastic ways. I don't know how to help him. Everyday I put on a strong, confident face, I talk to the teachers and others who work with him and try to remain personable, professional, and share what I know and what I have read about. I try to be a good parent and a good team member. And still I feel like Josiah is slipping through the cracks. The boy who ALWAYS had a smile spends a lot of time crying and being angry now. My son who was just a ball of joy and amazement is just clouded and fearful that what he is doing is wrong. I don't know what is happening with him, for him, I just know that I don't know what to do to help him, and no one seems to have any answers.
And I feel powerless......I just keep praying for something, anything to help this situation. I-don't-know-what-to-do-for-him or for myself........And slowly but steadily I feel that dark cloud of depression growing, and I am pulling out everything in my arsenal to not go back to that state, but until I can figure out what is going on with Josiah and help him find himself again, I don't see how I can escape the slow dulling of my world. That is my biggest shortcoming of all......
I woke up Monday morning about 20 minutes before i had to get up. I did NOT relish the idea of crawling out of bed, letting the dog out, getting the kids clothes for school together and waking them up...I did not relish the thought of having to vacuum and wash last nights dishes before the kids I take care of arrive....I did not relish the thought of another day of worrying about how Josiah's day was going....I did not relish the thought of dealing with the building permit process AGAIN (yes, I am still working on just GETTING the permit)....relish, relish relish--maybe I need to add some mustard to my thoughts....
So after a few minutes of dreading the day, a day that had not even started yet, a day fresh and new, a day that Who Knows what is going to happen, I realize I had already judged a day that had not even begun...
I have been doing that too much lately. A dear family member of mine is going through a deep depression. I can empathize with her and give her advice and a listening ear because I have been there. I spent many years struggling with clinical depression, which eventually neared the debilitating level. I finally got serious about fixing some old problems that I never dealt with by going into some intensive therapy. It was not an overnight fix, it was a few years of developing a rapport with a new therapist, working through various trauma's on a variety of different levels, and learning to trust myself, and to know how to separate the emotions tied into the past from the actual emotions of the present. Sure I worked full time, had a good social life, and an overall successful and good life while I was doing that. The internal changes that came about gave me the ability to really appreciate and enjoy those external successes. It was amazing, for the first time in my life I knew how to embrace life without have a constant cloud subduing and dampening everything.
That was before I met A, before I adopted my children, before all hell broke lose in our lives 3 years ago....And I weathered the ups and downs, ins and outs of these past three years well. Even with the many challenges, the losses, the stress....All of it I have been able to role with. My battle with clinical depression appeared to be over...if I could make it through all of what I made it through the past few years and still have my emotions and attitude in check, well I figured I had truly overcome depression (real depression, not hte normal blues and blahs that everyone gets).
But lately I have found my attitude being in totally the wrong place, sometimes, Like Monday, bad from before I even get out of bed. Today should have been a great day--I went with Josiah's class on a field trip in the morning. We had fun, and it was great to be part of that adventure. It was only a 1/2 day trip, so the kids still had school to finish when we got back. I knew Josiah was tired, but his wonderful aid was going to have him take a rest on his mat. I figured he would fall asleep, so I left to run errands before my little charge was to be dropped off at 2:00. I went to my dad's and fed and watered the chickens. Then I got my mail, and my parents gifts had come in. Christmas shopping is almost done. Then I went home and checked messages, I got a call from the town, and my building permit was done!! Yippee!!! So I ran down there and paid the fee and got my permit, NOW i can begin renovating my new space and turning it from a laundromat into a house equipped to do daycare. I was back easily in time to be there when the little one I babysit came. So I should have had a good day, right...?
Well, after Jos got home, the phone rang and it was the school principal telling me that Josiah had exhibited a very disturbing behavior and asked if his aid had said anything. She had not said much, just that he did not nap and had a rough period int he afternoon, but that he had come around and finished the day okay. But the principal was very concerned, and was going to look into the incident more closely.
And I had an emotional meltdown. THAT is what is zapping my strength, that is my shortcoming...I don't understand what is going on with Josiah. He has always been my little charmer, my ALWAYS happy boy. He has always been strong willed but ever since he was a baby, he has been pleasant and self-motivates, and more than willing to push through obstacles. But ever since starting school KINDERGARTEN he has been exhibiting SO many behaviors, so much frustration, so many inappropriate responses and actions--I am literally beside myself trying to figure out what is going on with him. The weird thing is that if this were Gonz, I would be upset or annoyed with it, but not dumbfounded, because Gonz HAS a lot of social and emotional issues that stem from so many places. With Gonz, I almost expect poor behavior and work very hard to support, encourage, and wrangle him into a secure position to keep behaviors and anxiety in check. BUT JOSIAH!?!!??
My shortcomings that have been running into me lately--I have not been eating right--yes, I do the whole grains, eats beans, lean meats, and try to get enough veggies--but lately my evening have wrought with hunger that is not based in nutritional need but rather in emotional need, so I have been over eating very often. I have not had the energy to keep a neat or tidy house, so every morning when I get up, I run around for the first half hour doing dishes from the day before, cleaning up the living room, doing all the things that I could have and should have done the night before. I have multiple baskets filled with clean unfolded clothes, that need to be folded and put away, but I have a motivational or action block that I just donw' understand. And the longer these behavior issues with Josiah go on, the more I feel like i must be doing something wrong as a parent. I have tried so many different "expert" parenting techniques (and some old school ones too). I don't know how to help him understand that his behavior is making his life uncomfortable. I don't know how to understand what is wrong that makes him have to act out in such drastic ways. I don't know how to help him. Everyday I put on a strong, confident face, I talk to the teachers and others who work with him and try to remain personable, professional, and share what I know and what I have read about. I try to be a good parent and a good team member. And still I feel like Josiah is slipping through the cracks. The boy who ALWAYS had a smile spends a lot of time crying and being angry now. My son who was just a ball of joy and amazement is just clouded and fearful that what he is doing is wrong. I don't know what is happening with him, for him, I just know that I don't know what to do to help him, and no one seems to have any answers.
And I feel powerless......I just keep praying for something, anything to help this situation. I-don't-know-what-to-do-for-him or for myself........And slowly but steadily I feel that dark cloud of depression growing, and I am pulling out everything in my arsenal to not go back to that state, but until I can figure out what is going on with Josiah and help him find himself again, I don't see how I can escape the slow dulling of my world. That is my biggest shortcoming of all......
Monday, December 5, 2011
Tired.....Searching......
Today I feel tired, not that physical tiredness that comes from a day full of work, chores, and activities. But a mental, emotional, spiritual tiredness that comes from searching and seeking answers, a path, the right way to go on so many different topics and levels...the search that has given no clear answers.
I am so tired of watching the public school system struggle with how to teach children in a way that honors them--their creativity, their individuality, their validity as fully formed human beings......And it is NOT just this small school system. When we lived in a much larger area with access to many more resources and the choice of multiple Kindergartens )two of which were integrated rooms with both a regular education and special education teacher co-teaching team--even in what SOUNDED like the right environment, it was all wrong. So it is not just the small school environment. It is the whole institutional idea that all children need to be the same, all behaviors need to conform to the ideal so f the teacher, all thoughts, beliefs, and performance must be identical--it strips the humanity from the children, it attempts to turn them into drones that fit like cogs in a machine. Perfect--not even real perfection, but rather the school or teachers idea of what is perfection, is emotionally and verbally shamed and verbally shoved into them. Any child who understands their sense of themselves, any child who IS an individual, is forced to conform to someone else's idea of who and what they should be, rather than being allowed to be and learn and live and grow, and actually be the best THEM that they can be. We have reduced human potential down to a limited range of scores on a test and a limited way of socially interacting that is far more artificial than it is real.
And moving is not going to change that. I would home school as I did with Gonzo when it became apparent how damaging the Kindergarten room he was in (with teachers pushing him down, and calling him stupid (and a principle who backed the teacher instead of listening to our complaint, which came to us through a substitute teacher who witnessed this)). But I can not afford the necessary PT, OT, and counseling that the school provide for Josiah, AND I do believe the social interaction with peers and with other people outside the family is very important for a person to be well rounded.If I had the funds I would love to create a school for ALL kids, with and without "special needs" where they could come and learn in a child directed way, with supporting and encouraging teachers in a supportive and encouraging environment. Each child being met where they are, and assisted in their education by compassionate, and passionate adults who love to instill a love of learning, growth, and knowledge in children. I have thought about this for many years, ever since Gonzo entered the hell called USA public school. The need for REAL education, education that honors and assists children in their learning, and that meets kids where they are and helps them nurture their innate abilities to reaching their highest potential. Rustam's Ranch Child Directed Education Center---that name was discussed many years ago. While all hell broke loose in my world, I have NOT let go of my dream of building such a place, of being able to bring that gift to children, and of finding a way to provide it for free......
Any philanthropists out there who want to fund the start up and ongoing tuition scholarship of such a school????
I am so tired of watching the public school system struggle with how to teach children in a way that honors them--their creativity, their individuality, their validity as fully formed human beings......And it is NOT just this small school system. When we lived in a much larger area with access to many more resources and the choice of multiple Kindergartens )two of which were integrated rooms with both a regular education and special education teacher co-teaching team--even in what SOUNDED like the right environment, it was all wrong. So it is not just the small school environment. It is the whole institutional idea that all children need to be the same, all behaviors need to conform to the ideal so f the teacher, all thoughts, beliefs, and performance must be identical--it strips the humanity from the children, it attempts to turn them into drones that fit like cogs in a machine. Perfect--not even real perfection, but rather the school or teachers idea of what is perfection, is emotionally and verbally shamed and verbally shoved into them. Any child who understands their sense of themselves, any child who IS an individual, is forced to conform to someone else's idea of who and what they should be, rather than being allowed to be and learn and live and grow, and actually be the best THEM that they can be. We have reduced human potential down to a limited range of scores on a test and a limited way of socially interacting that is far more artificial than it is real.
And moving is not going to change that. I would home school as I did with Gonzo when it became apparent how damaging the Kindergarten room he was in (with teachers pushing him down, and calling him stupid (and a principle who backed the teacher instead of listening to our complaint, which came to us through a substitute teacher who witnessed this)). But I can not afford the necessary PT, OT, and counseling that the school provide for Josiah, AND I do believe the social interaction with peers and with other people outside the family is very important for a person to be well rounded.If I had the funds I would love to create a school for ALL kids, with and without "special needs" where they could come and learn in a child directed way, with supporting and encouraging teachers in a supportive and encouraging environment. Each child being met where they are, and assisted in their education by compassionate, and passionate adults who love to instill a love of learning, growth, and knowledge in children. I have thought about this for many years, ever since Gonzo entered the hell called USA public school. The need for REAL education, education that honors and assists children in their learning, and that meets kids where they are and helps them nurture their innate abilities to reaching their highest potential. Rustam's Ranch Child Directed Education Center---that name was discussed many years ago. While all hell broke loose in my world, I have NOT let go of my dream of building such a place, of being able to bring that gift to children, and of finding a way to provide it for free......
Any philanthropists out there who want to fund the start up and ongoing tuition scholarship of such a school????
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Blood draws, X-rays, and brethalyzers...oh my!
So today was Gonzo's appointment with the endocrinologist. I had forewarned him that he may have to have blood taken for testing. his response was "all of it?!?! How will I stand up!?!" to which I assured him that they only take a little bit and that his body will be able to make more. So he was a little freaked out going into the appointment. The endocrinologist was very personable, and if we end up needing to continue with her, I think it will be a good match. Having doctors that you feel comfortable is imperative to proper health care. I am hoping all of the tests come out fine and we don't have any more treatment needed, but at least it is good to know that you like the specialist. So after the appointment, the doctor felt that testing was warranted, so Gonz DID have to have his blood drawn and she wanted an bone age density test done, which is an x-ray. So as usually, anything having to do with needles is difficult for Gonz, so it was myself plus two nurses who needed to hang on to him and get the blood draw. Poor little guy was just in such a panic. But he is a trooper and came out okay. He was still asking if his body will make more blood, and I reassured him that it was already making more to replace the little bit they took to test.
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
Friday, July 29, 2011
seeking for calm...
So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault. As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen. It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith. It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness. But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery.
Hopefully things have calmed down some today. I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation. It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?).
Stress increases my desire to eat. Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream). So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good. BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280. Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.
The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us. This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school. Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright. Gonzo has too. So for this I am grateful. I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions. And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too. I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see. So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like
"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry. Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been. We still both love you and we are still both here for you. And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can. So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy. Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now. And things will get better very soon."
Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard). But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.
Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend. I'll probably write again on Monday. Have a great weekend.
Hopefully things have calmed down some today. I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation. It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?).
Stress increases my desire to eat. Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream). So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good. BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280. Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.
The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us. This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school. Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright. Gonzo has too. So for this I am grateful. I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions. And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too. I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see. So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like
"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry. Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been. We still both love you and we are still both here for you. And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can. So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy. Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now. And things will get better very soon."
Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard). But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.
Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend. I'll probably write again on Monday. Have a great weekend.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day 20--a hard day
The effects of the situation that I talked about yesterday have been festering in my mind. I had horrible insomnia last night--perseverating on a situation that I have no way to change and have tried multiple approaches to discuss the issue. but if the other person refuses to address it, there is nothing I can do. At this point, the side effect of NOT being able to dialog with a person who is UNWILLING to dialog has left me feeling deep grief. I feel like I have lost my family member because of this.
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness
Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.) It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation. I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself. There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it. The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily).
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A history of how I got to where I am (and why a new beginning is so important)
So now that you know my goal for the near future, let me tell you a bit about who I am and how I got to where I am today--ready to share with a whole world of strangers the next phase of my journey in life.
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
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