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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I know I have not been writing every day....

Wow, once you get out of the habit of blogging everyday, it is hard to get back into it.  Today was a good day.  While I have feeling very tired these past two weeks, I am concentrating on everything improving as each day goes by. 

I have been unsure what to write about.  This blog has not gone as I had planned.  I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others.  It truly has been more of a journal.  however, I found myself posting more and more negative things.  All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life.  And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life.  I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it.  Most people have.

The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies.  As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get.  As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident.  When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for.  And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you.  And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life.  The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation.  Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life.  It is truly an amazing thing.

So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to.  So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.

Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such.  A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes."  I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say. 

I look forward to blogging daily again.  And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Well, Spring Break isw over, and we are back in the swing of things...

So here we are, nearing the end of April, and the kids spring break from school is over.  They headed back this morning, so we are back on our routine.  Or rather we are adjusting back to our routine.

I went for a very nice walk this morning at the big park (the one with trails through the woods) instead of around the pond.  Most of the trails are dry now, and the ducks have returned.  I even saw a couple of turtles today too, which made me happy.  It is in teh 50's today, which is marvelous.  Three or four days of april break we snowy up home, so it is nice to get back down here to the fresh greeen grass growing and the flowers.  This week we are actually getting into the 60's and possbily might hit 70 for the first time this year. Maybe those stubborn snowbacks that still take up half the driveway and block our access to the yard will finally melt away.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my life and today really nailed down the five things that I want...

1) Paid in Full--all debts, loans, people, etc... paid in full
2) Good health and habits (mental, physical, and spiritual)  for me and my children
3) A Farm, even a small one, where I can raise pasture raised chicken eggs and vegetabes, to be self susstaining and to sell for meetin our other needs.  The time has come for my farm.
4) Healing the relationships with my family members
5) Friends, that I can connect with, have a cup of coffee with, a conversation with, and just share life with...

And Some days you need to just breathe, and today  is a day for that is what I am doing.  I will post again soon....

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sorry for the long delay...

With april Break and just a LOT going on, I have had very little time to actually sit downand write on my computer.  The kids keep me hoping, more so than usual these past couple of weeks.  I did finally do a weigh in on monday, and I had gained back 2 pounds fo what I had lost.  This does not surprise me as I have been eating less carefully than i should be, and allowed my emotional eating tendencies to have free reign a bit.  It just means that I have to reboot my motivation, and focus on the amazing healthy life I can have and will have as I respect my body and emotions better.

I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night.  I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had.  So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow.  Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....

Saturday, April 16, 2011

day 33--the ides of April

Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as the ides of march.  But it is the ides of April.  I had a great walk around the pond this morning, then listened to some of a book on CD (which i had also been listening to while I walked) in the Jeep.  I have A's Jeep today so A could drop my car off at the mechanic.  I am grateful for the help. Though I am really not liking A not having a job.  I am glad that A decided to go back to AA, but that does not make it easier for me to try to live my own life. A got back from the meeting and asked to spend the night.  It makes me want to pull all of my hair out when I hear "I could just sleep on your floor."  That puts me in the position of having so say no, of giving A the experience of rejection, of having to put up walls again.  Every time I feel like we have taken a step forward in this building of our friendship, A makes me take a step back and realize that we have different goals, and I am not willing to accept A's goals.  I will not get back together as a couple, there are too many lies, to many belligerent words, too much emotional abuse, and too much of an unhealthy relationship--even since we have tried to live closer to each other, not just old stuff, but CURRENT issues--it is too much, And I won't do it.

Overall though it was a good day.  I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee.  Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles.  I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water.  For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli.  In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.

Note:  I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 32--I think, i will actually have to go back and count that out again

Well, I have not weighed myself since last week, and was going to do it this morning, but I was distracted by the power being out, and thus forgot.  Luckily it was only out in my town and when I got down the hill (i.e. the mountain I drive down everyday), the lights were on in the rest of the towns I passed through and there were no delays at either of the boys school.  It is going to be strange next year when I put the kids on buses and do not make this drive every day.  Granted I have through august that I will be so it is till about 5 more months of driving.  I toyed with the idea of having the bus transport for the summer program, but for consistency I will drive until the kids start the next school year.  J will actually be going in town to the local school.  It will be interesting to see how well he does there.  I am looking forward to it.  J is going to do great.

Spring is doing wonders for my life.  I LOVE the walks every day.  Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret."  The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area.  The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy.  I love daffodils.

As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water.  I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning.  It was WAY TOO sweet. 

I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A spring day and decisions

I am so happy that spring is finally here.  Even though I still have yet to see my yard, the snow is retreating and I will soon have a yard back.  At the ponds where I spend my days, the snow is pretty much all gone.  The daffodils are about to open, it is so close and by tomorrow the beautiful yellow flower should be greeting the sunshine.

I don't think I blogged about the remainder of my eating yesterday, so I will try to remember.  For lunch yesterday I had a spicy chicken sandwich and french fries and water.  For dinner we had homemade mac and cheese made with vegetable rotini, and hot dogs and green beans.  i had popcorn and a couple of chocolate eggs later in the evening.

Today I had a cheese danish and coffee for early breakfast, and a yogurt with oatmeal and dried fruit for late breakfast.  I had a cheese burger and fries fro lunch with lemonade.  I had mac and cheese for a mid-afternoon snack.  For dinner we had English muffin pizza with peperoni, mushrooms, and cheese.   We also had grapes.  I had alot of water.  I have had a banana tonight and had a bowl of cereal (raisin bran with milk).

I have been thinking a lot about decisions.  Not what decisions to make, but rather about the fear and the uncertainty that keeps us from following through with our decisions.  Just something to think about and process through....

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."  --Dr. Wayne Dyer

Another day, another new start

Each day is a new start.  No matter how bad the day before was, there is always something new in a new day.  It is a new chance to realize that THIS day is the first day of the rest of your life.

"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?"  "Because you're insane!"  From an audio program with Wayne Dyer.  It was exactly what I needed.  He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want.  When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives.  So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently.  We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us.  As we do, more and more of those things will grow.  To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.

As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life.  It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on.  As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable.  As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again.  That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like.  It is my choice, it is my focus.  So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.

A was fired form the convenience store yesterday.  The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work,  I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this.  "I was fired for no reason".  When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that.  SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now.  Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on.  A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking).  So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life.  It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around.  I have been focusing too much on the negative.  I have focused too little on the positive.  I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want.  Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward.  Each moment you can change your mind.

I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing.  It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming.  On the person I really am.  It helps greatly in my transformation.  My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit.  It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level.  It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.

Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write.  I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water.  I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch.  For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.

Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.

I also walked at the other park today.  As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down.  So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today.   I'll write again later...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....

I have been dealing with a very annoying and extremely persistent round of the "shoulda woulda coulda" monsters.  A few years ago (for a period of a few year, so not a fleeting thing) I had reached a point in my life where I had no regrets, where I could look at the journey my life had taken, the good and the bad, the decisions I had made, the mistakes I had made, the things that I had been done to me that I had no control over, the things that I had control over and allowed to happen anyway, the dreams I had followed, the dreams I had walked away from--all of those things that had made up my life, that had brought me to that point were things I was willing to accept and welcome, as I could see how they made me into the person I was at that point.  As much as I hated some of the paths my life had traveled through, I was proud of the person I had become, and looking forward to a bright and successful future.  I will not go into it all, as it was amazing and alot, but....

Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....

This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"  that is being more difficult to overcome.  Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist.  I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world.  I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church.  I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family.  Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The weekend...

Wow.  I just realized that I have not posted since Friday morning.  It is a beautiful weekend weather wise.  We even got up near 60 degrees at home today.  And the monstrous mountain of snow in front of my house is now only about 5 feet high.  I can't see any yard yet, its still under at least 2-3 feet of snow, but the driveway is clearer which is nice. 

Okay so Friday was a nice day.  I need to get to food journaling.  So Friday I had a sub on 9 grain wheat with cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, banana peppers, pickles, and chipolte sauce (at subway).  I also had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a single size bag of smartfood popcorn.  For dinner, the kids had mini pizzas and A and I had steak-um sandwiches.  I ate some jelly beans with the kids sometime in the evening.

Saturday I had ww toast with pb and honey, and later a bowl of cheerios with milk.  I had a little box mac & cheese for lunch.  For dinner I went over to my Dad's house.  I brought baked chicken, and my sister and her kids brought mac salad and chips, and we all enjoyed a nice meal and conversation.  I had some microwave popcorn in the evening after we got home.

Today for eats, I had toast with PB & honey, and cheerios with milk.  For lunch I made scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice, as well as 2 cups of tea.  I had some popcorn with a cup of tea this afternoon.

I have been trying to organize my house today.  It is always nice to have things neater and calmer.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day 26--What a glorious day!!

The sun is shining, the snow is melting, the pond is over half way clear of ice, and I had a WONDERFUL time walking around the pond this morning (5 laps again so over a 1.3 miles).  I was able to do a walking meditation, some prayer, and repeated, life building affirmations.  So I started out well.

I then came to the library and have worked on filing an application for a bio/phar freelance writer (which will hopefully give me a somewhat steady work flow for writing assignments if I get accepted).  Now I am just updating this blog. 

I have actually not eaten anything yet today.  That is very odd since I am always a breakfast eater, and here it is nearly lunch time and I have only had water.  So I need to go remedy that.  I had to use my computer to check bank balances as I was out of yogurt and stuff to bring with me, and with my normal large monthly check arriving today, I am eeking out the last of the month's money until I can get the mail and put it in the bank.  Also G's CSE meeting is this afternoon, and a is picking up the kids.  I was actually going to try to take the afternoon and evening for myself, but I have to go home to the post office and the bank in order to get the money in.  So I won't be finding some event down here in the city, oh well...

post before sleep

final food journal for today. 

lunch was a small cup of mac & cheese
I ate a handful of jelly beans with the kids after we got home.

For Dinner, A had called wile I was picking up the kids and asked what to put in for dinner.  As I have not visited with my father in a couple of weeks I said to put in the ham and roast some potatoes with it.

So I took a ham dinner over to my dad's house and A, the kids and I ate dinner with Dad and had a great talk.  I really want my little farm, so I talked with my Dad tonight about checking into what it would take to build a simple house on the other end of his property (he has 36  acres), and he said he would be okay with it but that the permits alone would probably cost too much.

I did some exploring and if the old well up on the end of the property can be used (it was filled in with rocks over 50 years ago, so it is a long shot) and if I can figure out the septic, then it might be possible.  though looking at pouring a slab foundation and doing a radiant heat system, that alone might break the bank.  Roofing is extremely expensive too.  So it may just be too much, but boy would I love to build it.  Right now it is in dream mode, but I will find some time over the next month to check into things and see if it is potentially feasible.  I'd be nice to have Dad as a neighbor too,as he is getting older and I worry about him...

Oh, before bed I had toast with peanut butter.  It is now ridiculously late and I need to sleep.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 25--Finally a weigh in...

Okay, so...  (my son was saying this a lot recently and I kept wondering where he picked it up from, and then one day I realized after writing it that I say that all the time without thinking about it, so THAT is where he gets it from).

Okay, SO...I finally remembered to step on the scale this morning before my shower and all the getting ready activities of the morning.  As suspected I did not lose much since my last weigh in.  But I did lose.  The scale read 288lbs, down 3 pounds from my last weigh in and 17 pounds from my day 1 weigh in.  SO, even with the emotional eating of the weekend, my body continues to amaze me in losing a bit more poundage.

After dropping the kids off, I headed over to the pond.  I am so grateful that the snow has finally melted away from over 90% of the path around the pond.  It was a clear blue sky, the pond is actually showing large open water areas, and the crocuses are coming up.  I even saw some daffodil leave (no flower yet) in the garden by the pond.  I did 5 laps around the pond, which amounts to about 1 1/3 mile (3.5 laps =1 mile).  Then I enjoyed my breakfast.  Today I did have my yogurt (Dannon Light & Fit blueberry) with dry oatmeal, a medium coffee, and 3 cups of water.

I had a great long (2+ hours) phone conversation with my best friend after that, and ended up standing outside the library in the little park for all that time enjoying the warm 40+ degree air, the sunshine, and the bright blue sky.  It is great to have a best friend that knows me so well (after almost 19 years of friendship--we met as freshmen in college--she knows me better than anyone except myself--and even then I wonder...).  We talked about a lot of things, big and small on both ends.  It was just a wonderful connection with her, and though we only see each other a couple of times a year (as we live over 300 miles apart), it is amazing to me how much she is always there for me.  God has blessed this friendship, which has endured over a lot of rough and rocky spots over the years.

I have not gotten a lot of work done today (I did get a little bit, but am running short on time), so tomorrow I have to buckle down and have an uber productive day.  Blessings to you all and I will write again before bed.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....

Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...

I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential.  So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you.  Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.

But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table.  As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue.  I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June".  I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep.  But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink.  It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them.  As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first.  G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them.  He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer. 

I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be.  In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business.  So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them.  So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit. 

It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting.  We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much).  I feel an odd sense of peace about this.  So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago.  Yeah, I am just getting back to it.  I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed.  It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm.  So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.

Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs.  Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that.  J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter.  He did GREAT at swimming.  I was so proud of him.  His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray.  I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby).  Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible.  If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised.  I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?"  but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.

Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me.  however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard.  In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long).  But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.

Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas.  can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar

I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening.  I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to.  that is never good.  I will be planning better.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 23--moving on

It has come time to move on.  I have finally gotten a call back from my family member and we spent a good long time talking today.  When you have a few layers of miscommunication, and each attempt adds a layer, it takes a while to get down to what the real issues are.  I was right, the little issue that should have been a simple conversation about miscommunication was truly a simple misunderstanding.  But it WAS the underlying more problematic issue that was complicating matters.  Though I was the one that saw it as underlying and they were considering it THE issue.  Which was one of the other layers of miscommunication.  I was trying to address the one simple communication glitch to get a simple answer, and they were dealing with that as on off shoot of the other issue.  Well, needless to say, it was a long and difficult though very beneficial conversation.    I was very glad to finally clear that up.  It is going to take a while to let go of the residual emotions, and of course let go of the places where we do not agree.  It was time to move on, I had already made that decision before the conversation.  So it is providence that we were able to have the conversation that makes it possible to move on fully.

Okay on to food blogging.  I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car.  I had a cup of water after getting home.  We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper.  This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.

Day 23--Good Grief!!

Good Grief!!  I forgot to do my weigh in again.  I know you are probably thinking that I am afraid of my weigh in given the emotional eating pattern I have had over the past few days.  I have actually made it to almost noon and have not cried today, so that is good.  I did spend a lot of time with my feelings last night and this morning, I have done some exercises to let things go.  I was actually able to sleep last night and meditate a bit this morning.  So, slowly the fog is clearing, and I am moving back up the emotional ladder.  Acceptance is sometimes a very  hard thing, but it is part of letting go and moving forward.  So i have accepted this situation, forgiven myself and my family member for each of the roles we have played.  I let my sister know that when she is ready to talk, that I am ready to as well.  And that she can take whatever time she needs.  So, I am at a better place with all this.  No, the situation itself has not changed, and there is still a lot of work to do no both of our parts to heal this rift that has opened between us, but I am finally okay with the rift, I am okay with the situation.  It is what it is, and in time all wounds heal.  So I am taking some steps up the emotional ladder, and waking up my life again after a few days where I have been separate from it. 

As for my title and the expression "Good Grief"  yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it.  While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind.  So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.

I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning.  While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now.  Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely. 

If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given".  The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love.  I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning.  I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here.  That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly.  It can be found here.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 22-evening and sleepy

Okay so eating wise it has been a very uncontrolled day.  I just keep telling myself "it will get better it will get better"  I am trying to let it go, as that is the only thing than can help.  So breathing, meditating, finding better feeling thoughts, etc....Letting It Go.

Okay food journal since my last post
I stopped at Taco bell/LJS and had a piece of fish, a soft taco supreme and my favorite, a 7-layer burrito
I also had a medium brewed tea (unsweetened)
At some point this after noon I had a handful of goldfish crackers (maybe 10 max, I was giving J a snack)
For dinner we had egg noodles with beef bullion, pinto beans and corn (all together)
I also had 2 pieces of wheat toast with butter
Late this evening I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk.
And I drank at least 8 glasses of water throughout the day.

Well, I am going to go to bed soon.  If I can get sleep, I think I will have a better day tomorrow.  What a sucky blog this is becoming, I have spent like the last 4 days with sad, blue, grumpy rambling about my yucky feelings.  So, well it is a real life.  It is time to move forward and find a better attitude.

Day 22--I forgot to weigh in this morning

This weekend was very emotionally challenging, and I feel very drained.  So I have not slept well, and as such I was an idiot this morning and forgot to do my weigh in.  I hope you all can forgive me for that.  I will weigh in tomorrow, and post a pic of the weigh in.

I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied.  I know that yesterday  I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me.  And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food.  Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can.  i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things.  You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.

Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns.  Some days I just don't care.  There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating.  But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog.  I will keep my word on that.  I'll write again later.  I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel later the post should be better...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 20--a hard day

The effects of the situation that I talked about yesterday have been festering in my mind.  I had horrible insomnia last night--perseverating on a situation that I have no way to change and have tried multiple approaches to discuss the issue.  but if the other person refuses to address it, there is nothing I can do.  At this point, the side effect of NOT being able to dialog with a person who is UNWILLING to dialog has left me feeling deep grief.  I feel like I have lost my family member because of this. 

I am actually beside myself today.  And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on.  Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out.  But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....

So basic food journal:

2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese

I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely.  I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted.  But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it.  So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...

Friday, April 1, 2011

day 19--the end of the day, the end of the week...

Well, as odd as it seems, after such a raw day, I had a peaceful, gentle evening with A and the boys.  We cooked dinner together, which is a rarity, and when we have such nice times it is easy to acknowledge how much I do miss A.  There is a reason we got together, and all the bad things do not negate the good things in our relationship.  We made burgers with ground chicken, oatmeal, egg, and spices, and they came out great.  I chopped up some fresh potatoes for french fries,and we all had a yummy and nice family dinner together. 

A knew I was upset about this whole drama idiocy going on with a certain couple of family members, and so it was nice to just have a very pleasant time together.  A did ask to spend the night (and sleep on the living room floor as A has done before if I need A here for the boys in the morning) after the boys went to bed and I said no.  Lets enjoy the good evening of friendship we are sharing, and focus on our friendship.  I also pointed out that with bronchitis and a sinus infection, sleeping on my floor, getting run over by the cats and dog who sound like a herd of elephants chasing each other around the house at night, and then being woken up by the boys at 6:30 in the morning, then having to work from 3pm to 11pm--well, it would just not be taking care of yourself to do that.  So A went home, and I am getting ready for bed. 

I think I am going to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.  I am somewhere in season 2.  I like netflix, I get to watch shows on my time, and don't have the pressure of having to catch a program at a specific time.  I watch so little TV (aside from the kids movies that the kids watch) that there is no point in having cable or satellite anyway.  Netflix is perfect for my lifestyle.

Okay so a final blog about my eats today.  I had a chicken sandwich from Stewart's and 1/4 of a little single serve bag of sour cream and onion chips (J's favorite and he ate the rest when I picked him up) and water, of course, for lunch.

For dinner I did eat 2 of the burgers on wheat bread--they were SO tasty, and some home made fries, a banana and a cup of milk.

I am about to have a bowl of shredded wheat with a banana and milk for a snack while I watch my show.  That's it....

Have a good night all...

Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness

Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.)  It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation.  I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself.  There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it.  The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily). 

As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end.  I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings.  I am at a loss as to how to proceed.  As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email.  I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me.  So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification.  I heard nothing for weeks.  I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple.  So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication. 

Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter.  His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy.  And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me.  Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand.  But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it.  So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled?  Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue?  Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue? 

Maybe I am drawing it to myself.  Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family.  Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past.  I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now.  I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable?  It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!"    I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.

I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma.  I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence.  A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt.  I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will.  I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved.  And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good.  So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss.  I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given.  So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.

What is challenging  me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution.  I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort.  I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive.  So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul.  It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs.  I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go.  That is what I have to work on.  That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God.  I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them. 

So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself.  How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap?  For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there.  I can't fix what is wrong in it.  I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.

Well, that is where I am today.

And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for.  But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part.  So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.