Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Supporting Reece's Rainbow
I actually started another post about education, which I hope to finish later and get it up here. But first i wanted to give a quick head ups about a great organization that I have talked about before--Recce's Rainbow. During the Christmas season, they do a huge fundraiser where you can sponsor kids who are waiting for their forever families, or you can sponsor adoptive families who are trying to raise the funds to bring home a child who needs a family. The Merry Christmas Angel Tree banner in the upper right hand corner of this blog will take you to see the beautiful faces of many amazing children with Down's Syndrome, who are the Angels of Reece's Rainbow. The amazing thing about Reece's Rainbow is that they started out with the focus of helping find homes for children who have little chance of being adopted--children with Down's Syndrome. They have also become advocated for children with many different special needs--Like autism, Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, HIV/AIDS, blind, deaf, arthrogopomorphism, hydrocephalus, FAS/FAE, Apert Syndrome, cleft palate, etc, etc...... Please take a moment to look at the amazing children who are in need of special families, and, if you can, sponsor one of the children....
Monday, November 21, 2011
Updated**The story from June--"Thinking" part five...
So back in June I had been writing the story of how my boys joined our family and a bunch of the events, emotions, and changes that came with adding first Gonzo and then Josiah to our family. However, I left off with the initial arrival of Josiah, but have yet to go into the largest life changing period I have ever experienced. Josiah's first few months with us were the most profoundly life changing, devastating, exhilarating, exhausting, joyous, sorrowful, and all around insane and yet vision clearing of all. He was a bomb that exploded everything--including our relationship to each other as spouses, our values system, our finances, relationship with the rest of the outside world, our careers, our future plans, our sense of what it means to be a family, my understanding of what love is, my understanding of how much I can handle, my understanding of the sibling relationship between my children, my understanding of life dynamics, my understanding of what it means to be a parent, and my beliefs in and understanding of God and my relationship to God. To say that sounds like over kill would be incorrect--this bomb of an experience truly is only under-stated by words. To read the beginning start with the post from June "Thinking always a dangerous thing to do..."
So back to the story.. So we brought Josiah home from the hospital in late October 2006. He had a multitude of issues, but the hospital felt he was stable. The first thing we did was get his apnea monitor, and make sure we knew how to use it, which was not that hard. It did go off fairly often, but the doctor reassured us that it was most likely due to movement or poor placement of the sensors, as the doctor though he was just fine and that we were over reacting. One of the biggest challenges was feeding. Josiah had terrible reflux and was on medication for it, but it was not the puke all over the place type of reflux, it was the up and down and up and down kind, where little comes out but it just keeps kicking up (acid and formula together) into his esophagus and air way and the going back down only to come back up. So after taking a bottle he had to be upright for an hour after every feeding. He also had a very poor/weak suck, and tired extremely easily. So he was on a high calorie infant formula for preemies and it took him about 45-1 hour to finish one once, which would tire him out, so he would need a break and then another feed in an hour. So if you do the math, we were feeding him for approximately one hour and keeping him upright for 45 minute to an hour and feeding at least every hour and a half to 2 hours. We got very little sleep....More so than even if with a regular newborn. But we made it work. Luckily he was not a crier (I don't think he had the strength or energy to be a fussy baby).
We had Josiah about 10 days, when he had his first major episode. I had taken him to the eye doctor at the big hospital about 45 minutes from home. He did not wear his apnea monitor when we were out and about as we had been told it was only necessary when he was sleeping in his bassinet or crib (which had been elevated to a 45 degree angle to the reflux). I was holding him in the waiting room and he was more limp than usual. His color did not look right, and to me he did not seem to be breathing correctly. But I figured I was just being paranoid like our doctor had said, and since the eye doctor did not seem concerned as we went though the tests, I was only a little worried. In the car driving back though, his color really was not good, and he seemed excessively limp and unresponsive, much more than usual. So I went straight to the pediatricians office before going home. He was more responsive there and his color had gotten back to normal, and the doctor told me that I was being too nervous. he said I had had him dressed to warmly and that is why he was more limp, and if I noticed him acting that way again to cool him down. I had mentioned to him that the night before his apnea monitor went off many times, and again he said it was set wrong and I should call the DME company to come and change the settings.
So I took Josiah home. But he still was not acting like himself (yes I know he was a tiny baby who we had only had for about 10 days, but that is more than enough time to learn to read a helpless infant whom you are responsible for and love). So I tried to rust the doctor--after all he is a doctor and I was not, so he MUST be right, right?!? The apnea monitor kept going off, and Josiah looked wrong. He was limp and his color was getting grayer by the minute. I undressed him as the doctor had advised that I was causing it making him too hot. But that made it worse, as he suddenly stopped breathing all together and his lips turned blue. I did a few rescue breaths and called 911 and went back to rescue breaths. The ambulance got there in a matter of minutes, by which time I had gotten him breathing but he was still in obvious distress. So he was quickly wrapped in a blanket and he and I jumped int eh ambulance. At the hospital his temperature was reading 93 degrees (so much for the doctor saying I was keeping him too warm) and he had multiple episodes of apnea (not breathing) and bradycardia (where the heart slows down too much). The little hospital was not equipped to handle him so they call for an emergency transport to the PICU at the hospital 45 minutes away (where I had been earlier that day).
While we were waiting for that transport, I got ahold of A and A had picked up Gonzo from preschool. I filled them in on what was going on, and our friend Sean came to watch Gonz while A and I followed the ambulance to the PICU. He had a few more episodes of stopping breathing during the ambulance ride, and was admitted right to the PICU. He was in a heated oxygen tent in the PICU and they were running tests. The doctor that was there was wonderful and very familiar with the unpredictability of preemies. His prognosis was unclear, so we called family to let them know what was going on, and I called my dear friend Jacquie (who was also my former pastor) and she came up int he middle of the night (around 2am) and baptised him in the hospital. By the time she got there A's sister and mother had arrived and my mother and stepfather had arrived. So he was baptised with extended family, some of whom had not yet met him. Within a couple of days (hellatious days they were), he had stabilized and was able to move to the step down unit. We had been sleeping at the hospital (they had a sleeping lounge for PICU family members as well as a shower, toiletries, etc....) and once he stepped down to the less intensive PICU unit, we started taking turns with who stayed and who went home, as we needed to keep Gonzo's life as stress free and normal as possible. So we switched off daily. Thank God I was on leave from work. For over 10 days we were int he hospital before the determined that he was ready to be released. He had an eval by the neurosurgeon who felt his hydrocephalus was stable and not causing the problem, an eval by his neurodevelopmental (as we were going to see her that week anyway so she just came to his hospital room when she was doing rounds), and a few other doctors who felt he had no ongoing issues. He came home with essentially the same meds and such as before with minor changes. he was to wear his apnea monitor at all times now, AND we switched pediatricians, as the former one was obviously an idiot who had not listened to parents--the people who know a child best and are most vested in his survival.
A little over a week later we were back in the ambulance, he had stopped breathing again. This time they ran other tests, and for a week we were there. We spent our first Thanksgiving as a family in the hospital and at Ronald McDonald house....
I will finish this story later, as I have to get to my father's house and feed my chickens before the kids I babysit come back...
So back to the story.. So we brought Josiah home from the hospital in late October 2006. He had a multitude of issues, but the hospital felt he was stable. The first thing we did was get his apnea monitor, and make sure we knew how to use it, which was not that hard. It did go off fairly often, but the doctor reassured us that it was most likely due to movement or poor placement of the sensors, as the doctor though he was just fine and that we were over reacting. One of the biggest challenges was feeding. Josiah had terrible reflux and was on medication for it, but it was not the puke all over the place type of reflux, it was the up and down and up and down kind, where little comes out but it just keeps kicking up (acid and formula together) into his esophagus and air way and the going back down only to come back up. So after taking a bottle he had to be upright for an hour after every feeding. He also had a very poor/weak suck, and tired extremely easily. So he was on a high calorie infant formula for preemies and it took him about 45-1 hour to finish one once, which would tire him out, so he would need a break and then another feed in an hour. So if you do the math, we were feeding him for approximately one hour and keeping him upright for 45 minute to an hour and feeding at least every hour and a half to 2 hours. We got very little sleep....More so than even if with a regular newborn. But we made it work. Luckily he was not a crier (I don't think he had the strength or energy to be a fussy baby).
We had Josiah about 10 days, when he had his first major episode. I had taken him to the eye doctor at the big hospital about 45 minutes from home. He did not wear his apnea monitor when we were out and about as we had been told it was only necessary when he was sleeping in his bassinet or crib (which had been elevated to a 45 degree angle to the reflux). I was holding him in the waiting room and he was more limp than usual. His color did not look right, and to me he did not seem to be breathing correctly. But I figured I was just being paranoid like our doctor had said, and since the eye doctor did not seem concerned as we went though the tests, I was only a little worried. In the car driving back though, his color really was not good, and he seemed excessively limp and unresponsive, much more than usual. So I went straight to the pediatricians office before going home. He was more responsive there and his color had gotten back to normal, and the doctor told me that I was being too nervous. he said I had had him dressed to warmly and that is why he was more limp, and if I noticed him acting that way again to cool him down. I had mentioned to him that the night before his apnea monitor went off many times, and again he said it was set wrong and I should call the DME company to come and change the settings.
So I took Josiah home. But he still was not acting like himself (yes I know he was a tiny baby who we had only had for about 10 days, but that is more than enough time to learn to read a helpless infant whom you are responsible for and love). So I tried to rust the doctor--after all he is a doctor and I was not, so he MUST be right, right?!? The apnea monitor kept going off, and Josiah looked wrong. He was limp and his color was getting grayer by the minute. I undressed him as the doctor had advised that I was causing it making him too hot. But that made it worse, as he suddenly stopped breathing all together and his lips turned blue. I did a few rescue breaths and called 911 and went back to rescue breaths. The ambulance got there in a matter of minutes, by which time I had gotten him breathing but he was still in obvious distress. So he was quickly wrapped in a blanket and he and I jumped int eh ambulance. At the hospital his temperature was reading 93 degrees (so much for the doctor saying I was keeping him too warm) and he had multiple episodes of apnea (not breathing) and bradycardia (where the heart slows down too much). The little hospital was not equipped to handle him so they call for an emergency transport to the PICU at the hospital 45 minutes away (where I had been earlier that day).
While we were waiting for that transport, I got ahold of A and A had picked up Gonzo from preschool. I filled them in on what was going on, and our friend Sean came to watch Gonz while A and I followed the ambulance to the PICU. He had a few more episodes of stopping breathing during the ambulance ride, and was admitted right to the PICU. He was in a heated oxygen tent in the PICU and they were running tests. The doctor that was there was wonderful and very familiar with the unpredictability of preemies. His prognosis was unclear, so we called family to let them know what was going on, and I called my dear friend Jacquie (who was also my former pastor) and she came up int he middle of the night (around 2am) and baptised him in the hospital. By the time she got there A's sister and mother had arrived and my mother and stepfather had arrived. So he was baptised with extended family, some of whom had not yet met him. Within a couple of days (hellatious days they were), he had stabilized and was able to move to the step down unit. We had been sleeping at the hospital (they had a sleeping lounge for PICU family members as well as a shower, toiletries, etc....) and once he stepped down to the less intensive PICU unit, we started taking turns with who stayed and who went home, as we needed to keep Gonzo's life as stress free and normal as possible. So we switched off daily. Thank God I was on leave from work. For over 10 days we were int he hospital before the determined that he was ready to be released. He had an eval by the neurosurgeon who felt his hydrocephalus was stable and not causing the problem, an eval by his neurodevelopmental (as we were going to see her that week anyway so she just came to his hospital room when she was doing rounds), and a few other doctors who felt he had no ongoing issues. He came home with essentially the same meds and such as before with minor changes. he was to wear his apnea monitor at all times now, AND we switched pediatricians, as the former one was obviously an idiot who had not listened to parents--the people who know a child best and are most vested in his survival.
A little over a week later we were back in the ambulance, he had stopped breathing again. This time they ran other tests, and for a week we were there. We spent our first Thanksgiving as a family in the hospital and at Ronald McDonald house....
I will finish this story later, as I have to get to my father's house and feed my chickens before the kids I babysit come back...
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Asking again for prayers for two special kids...
I am reposting an old post from March or April about both Micheal and Haven, as I am still praying for them and ask you to join me.
I have been assigned as their Prayer Warrior through Reece's Rainbow. So I am committed to praying for them until they have a committed family. Please join in in sending your prayers and your good will out to them and to potential families who may be a good match for them. And if you know anyone contemplating adoption, especially adoption of a child with special needs, please share Reeces Rainbow with them. Even if they do not adopt a child listed there, the information, community, and connections with other parents adopting kids with special needs is incredible and a great Gift from God.
Here is Michael D.:
He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage. Please pray that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution as he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable. If he has a committed family before (or very near) his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway. He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm
He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage. Please pray that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution as he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable. If he has a committed family before (or very near) his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway. He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm
And this is Haven, and her info from RR:
"Girl, Born March 2006
Poor Haven……sweet little girl. Such a pretty girl burdened with such medical and cognitive difficulties….and no mama to love her through them.
From her medical records: celiac disease, CP, toxic Hepatitis, hypotrophy of III stage
From our team who visited there: Haven is afraid of strangers and would not interact with us 
"
"
I am not sure which country she is in, though most EE countries transfer to institutions at the age of 5. It appears she is NOT in Russia, so even if she is transferred, it might still be possible for her to be adopted. However, medical care at the institutions tend to be very poor, and often over 50% of kids transferred do not survive their first year. With her medical issues, an institutional life will be a short one. So pray that a family steps forward for her soon.
For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs. It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families. Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children. It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website. Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, no chance to become active, functioning members of society. Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own. By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves if they were taught to during their early years. Or if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves. There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it. So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)). And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for both children and adults with special needs (and I do mean possible, as my dear G is not able to function well in a mainstream inclusive classroom, and thus has less inclusion than I like, but only as it is necessary for his success and the success of those around him). When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residents to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc... They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect.
Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group? Why not focus on the USA? Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted. So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one). The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible. I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in our own country. But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A continuation of this "Thinking..." series-part 4
So I last left off with Gonzo's adoption and finalization. He settled in nicely, we got set up with all the specialist he needed to see. The only two hiccups were that he was only a month away from his 3rd birthday when he came home, so there was no time to start early intervention, so he was without therapies until the beginning of July (for four months) while we waited for his special needs preschool placement to begin. The other hiccup was dental (seems to be a pattern as he are having a mess of a time getting J's dental work done now). But all in all, it was a smooth transition, getting back to work was easy, we found a great summer sitter for after school for G, and were able to alternate our schedules easily. I was even able to go to both a week long conference in Wisconsin in the Spring, and to work with colleagues in our fields in Illinois and Missouri in the summer, and fields in North Carolina in the early Fall (I worked in plant genomics and agriculture research at the time) Though I did miss out on the winter Puerto Rico trip due to changes that happened before winter.
All in all, we adjusted well to being a family of three, and things were going very smoothly, and we knew that we wanted to add another child to our family within the following 18 months after Gonzo's adoption was Final in July. As we learned it can take a long time to get an adoptive placement, we decided to update our home study that August, figuring that it would be at least the following Spring or Summer before we would be matched. We focused solely on the US this time, both public and private, and focused again on special needs and were approved for one or two children so that we could potentially adopt a young sibling pair or two singles. We really wanted to make sure there was at least 18 months in age between Gonzo and a sibling, so we really limited ourselves to looking for a child under the age of 2 1/2, which is very limiting in the US system unless you have a good nest egg for a private adoption. We had used up our nest egg and the cushion of a second mortgage with the legal battle for Gonzo, and so we were limited to low cost placements with close travel. We had begun to rebuild some savings specifically for adoption, but did not have a lot to go with. But we figured we had plenty of time before there was even the possibility of having to travel to meet a child, and then a couple of months after being matched to continue to prepare for the child (as that is how G's adoption played out and most other adoptions from foster care that I had heard of played out).
Even though Spence-Chapin's great special needs program was within our budget and travel range, we knew they require a year between placements, so there was no point in inquiring on their site until at least February (one year after G came home).
( Special Note: If you are a home-study ready family and interested in adopting an infant with special needs there is a beautiful baby boy who has been waiting at Spence-Chapin for nearly 6 months. Please check out Theo. If I was home-study ready, I would bend over backwards to add him to my family. But alas, I am not in the position to do so. )
Now back to our regular blog post: We renewed our home-study with Adoption Star's special needs infant program, and then just focused on the public listings both in and out of state, mainly through www.adoptUSkids.org the national photo-listing of kids waiting in foster care who are freed for adoption. If anyone is interested, a few years ago I wrote a couple of articles on how to use the US system to find a match and how to improve your chances of being selected. Those can be found here:
Tips for finding a Child
Proactive tips for a faster adoption match
So, we began sending our home-study and family profile out for children that felt would be a good match for us and we for them. One of the children was a little guy in CT who looked a lot like G and had similar issues, but he kept flitting on and off the lists. We came close on him, though he had family ties and decided that it was in his best interest to stay within an hour of his biological grandparents so that he could retain those ties, which is good for him. On was a little girl in NJ who was older than G (she was 5 1/2 at the time), but by enough that we felt it would work, who had CP and a few other issues. We actually got matched with her about a year later (after J came home), and found that upon review of her full disclosure that she was aggressive with children younger than her, and with G being only 3 and J being an infant with special needs, we decide that we were not ready to take on the risk. She is still waiting even now, to our sorrow, but we made the decision we knew we had to for the family setting we had at that time. If you think you may be a family match for her, please bring her home. Here is a link to her public page: Natasha age 10
One was a little girl, infant, in North Carolina's public system who had a number of issues which are just too long to list here, the primary one being hydroANencephaly (an issues we would become very familiar with a year later through a family member). We inquired on her and began asking around of the adoption and special needs groups to get an idea of what it would be like to parent a child with her list of issues (hydrocephalus, potentially deaf, potentially blind, decreased hypothamic activity, etc...). As we were talking to a number of people and researching her condition to figure out if she would be a good match for our family, we received an email from a fellow adoptive parent who knew of a baby with similar issues available through a private agency in PA. She sent us his recruiting flier and the information to contact the agency.
It was a Tuesday in October when we looked over his flier, and contacted the agency to express our interest in learning more. We faxed our home-study and family profile, and they faxed us his medical information. Being a private agency adoption he would not come with medical and special needs assistance the way that adopting from foster care provides. However, that night we called the adoption specialist in our county (who also went to our church so we knew her outside of adoption as well). She talked to us about the medicaid waiver program which we should be eligible for, to help with his medical care costs, and we should be eligible for SSDI as well for him, which would provide some extra funds to care for him. So, our primary concern at that point (the financial impact of adopting an infant with extensive medical needs) was alleviated by finding out about these programs that would help until we could the applications and such done for his adoptive assistance.
Side Note: The adoption assistance programs are in place to help families that are willing to adopt children with special needs. In the past (which still happens today more often that anyone likes), children with special needs were (are) put into institutional settings to manage their needs. The cost to the state/country for each child in an institutional setting is well over $5000 a month in addition to their medical costs (that is staff, feeding, etc...). Also, children do not have the stimulation of family and regular life, nor the advocacy ability of a loving family, in order to help them reach their full potential and become contributing members of society as much as they are able (which kids like my boys have full potential with the right early support to become completely self supporting adults with college degrees, jobs, families of their own, etc... a chance the would be greatly diminished is raised in an institutionalized setting). The cost of the children staying in foster care is less than $3000 a month plus medical (I can not remember where I got these estimates, I wrote it out when I got the info, but did not write the source down, I'll try to find it sometime). For adoption assistance for kids with high needs, most states give around $400-600 a month plus medicaid to supplement your family insurance to cover the kids additional needs (thus reducing the amount the state spends on medical care per child as your family insurance is primary and the medicaid support only covers what they do not). This gives people who have the heart and commitment to adopt kids who require more care and availability the financial boost to do so (as without it most people could not handle the additional costs of raising a child with special needs), while also saving the state and country more than ten times the funds per child for institutional care. AND the best part is that it gives the children a chance to grow up in loving families and a much better chance of becoming contributing members of society with full, active lives of their own. It is a win all around.
Now back to our post... So we decided that with the programs to help bridge us over until his adoption assistance would be accepted (or to use if he ended up not getting adoption assistance--it can be tricky with placements from a private agency), we decided on Wednesday that we would be happy to be his family. His needs were a bit daunting as he was a 28 week preemie who had already had heart surgery, had 2 massive brain bleeds, hydrocephalus, and a number of other issues. But something about him just felt right, so we stepped out and accepted him. The call we got after that kind of knocked our socks off. He was being released from the hospital on Monday and if we could please come down that weekend so we could do the training at the hospital for his care needs, then he could join our family directly. To learn more about his initial needs, please see this post from a couple of weeks ago which lists his pre-adoptive needs. Luckily Philadelphia was in driving distance, and they waived all of the placement fees for his adoption, and we flew into a tizzy. We both had to get time off from work (easier for me than for A as Cornell was an amazing place to work), scurried to get things together for an infant as we have not planned AT ALL on receiving a child that young. So an infant car seat, a bassinet, and some infant clothes, blankets, infant bottles, etc, etc... (how often do you have only 2 days to prepare for newborn (he was 2/12 months old but was such an extreme preemie that by the end of October was at a newborn size 7 pounds 2 oz and development level) especially since everything has to be washed in infant detergent and all that BEFORE he comes home).
So we got that all in place, and then left Friday morning (only 3 days after learning he existed). We got to the hospital around noon, met with the agency social worker, then got to go to the NICU to meet him and talk with the doctors and nurses. The agency social worker hung out with Gonzo while we were in the NICU itself as he was too young to be allowed in. We spent a lot of time talking with the doctors. His potential could have been anything, there was even a very slim chance he would have no issues when he grew up. But an extremely high chance (over 75%) that he would have severe spastic quad CP. There was a good chance that he would never roll over, never speak, maybe even never hold his own head up. There was a chance that he would be blind, and as he had failed 2 newborn hearing screenings, a chance that he was deaf.
I took G down for lunch with the social worker, and A stayed with the baby, we brought lunch back upstairs and we sat in the NICU waiting room and talked. That afternoon, sat down with the social workers, and signed the adoptive placement papers (as I mentioned previously, you have to have 6 months at least after placement before the legal adoption is finalized). So he was placed in our care. We went over to the hotel and had dinner together. Then A and Gonzo stayed at the hotel while I went back for the pre-arranged overnight training stay, where the baby, by now called Josiah by us though his legal name was "baby boy" and I had a private room so that I could care for him with all his monitors and such and the NICU was just a couple of doors down and a quick phone call away. It was a long night, and a lot to learn, but we managed it. Monday he was released into our care, and once the ICPC was done (luckily it was very fast and had been started the week before when we had declared our intent to adopt (not so much paperwork as with a public agency)) and we headed home with our new, beautiful, and medically fragile baby boy.
That is how Josiah first joined our family (and the real trials of life and death, hope and futility, fear and faith, love and sorrow, and all those other balances...) began..
All in all, we adjusted well to being a family of three, and things were going very smoothly, and we knew that we wanted to add another child to our family within the following 18 months after Gonzo's adoption was Final in July. As we learned it can take a long time to get an adoptive placement, we decided to update our home study that August, figuring that it would be at least the following Spring or Summer before we would be matched. We focused solely on the US this time, both public and private, and focused again on special needs and were approved for one or two children so that we could potentially adopt a young sibling pair or two singles. We really wanted to make sure there was at least 18 months in age between Gonzo and a sibling, so we really limited ourselves to looking for a child under the age of 2 1/2, which is very limiting in the US system unless you have a good nest egg for a private adoption. We had used up our nest egg and the cushion of a second mortgage with the legal battle for Gonzo, and so we were limited to low cost placements with close travel. We had begun to rebuild some savings specifically for adoption, but did not have a lot to go with. But we figured we had plenty of time before there was even the possibility of having to travel to meet a child, and then a couple of months after being matched to continue to prepare for the child (as that is how G's adoption played out and most other adoptions from foster care that I had heard of played out).
Even though Spence-Chapin's great special needs program was within our budget and travel range, we knew they require a year between placements, so there was no point in inquiring on their site until at least February (one year after G came home).
( Special Note: If you are a home-study ready family and interested in adopting an infant with special needs there is a beautiful baby boy who has been waiting at Spence-Chapin for nearly 6 months. Please check out Theo. If I was home-study ready, I would bend over backwards to add him to my family. But alas, I am not in the position to do so. )
Now back to our regular blog post: We renewed our home-study with Adoption Star's special needs infant program, and then just focused on the public listings both in and out of state, mainly through www.adoptUSkids.org the national photo-listing of kids waiting in foster care who are freed for adoption. If anyone is interested, a few years ago I wrote a couple of articles on how to use the US system to find a match and how to improve your chances of being selected. Those can be found here:
Tips for finding a Child
Proactive tips for a faster adoption match
So, we began sending our home-study and family profile out for children that felt would be a good match for us and we for them. One of the children was a little guy in CT who looked a lot like G and had similar issues, but he kept flitting on and off the lists. We came close on him, though he had family ties and decided that it was in his best interest to stay within an hour of his biological grandparents so that he could retain those ties, which is good for him. On was a little girl in NJ who was older than G (she was 5 1/2 at the time), but by enough that we felt it would work, who had CP and a few other issues. We actually got matched with her about a year later (after J came home), and found that upon review of her full disclosure that she was aggressive with children younger than her, and with G being only 3 and J being an infant with special needs, we decide that we were not ready to take on the risk. She is still waiting even now, to our sorrow, but we made the decision we knew we had to for the family setting we had at that time. If you think you may be a family match for her, please bring her home. Here is a link to her public page: Natasha age 10
One was a little girl, infant, in North Carolina's public system who had a number of issues which are just too long to list here, the primary one being hydroANencephaly (an issues we would become very familiar with a year later through a family member). We inquired on her and began asking around of the adoption and special needs groups to get an idea of what it would be like to parent a child with her list of issues (hydrocephalus, potentially deaf, potentially blind, decreased hypothamic activity, etc...). As we were talking to a number of people and researching her condition to figure out if she would be a good match for our family, we received an email from a fellow adoptive parent who knew of a baby with similar issues available through a private agency in PA. She sent us his recruiting flier and the information to contact the agency.
It was a Tuesday in October when we looked over his flier, and contacted the agency to express our interest in learning more. We faxed our home-study and family profile, and they faxed us his medical information. Being a private agency adoption he would not come with medical and special needs assistance the way that adopting from foster care provides. However, that night we called the adoption specialist in our county (who also went to our church so we knew her outside of adoption as well). She talked to us about the medicaid waiver program which we should be eligible for, to help with his medical care costs, and we should be eligible for SSDI as well for him, which would provide some extra funds to care for him. So, our primary concern at that point (the financial impact of adopting an infant with extensive medical needs) was alleviated by finding out about these programs that would help until we could the applications and such done for his adoptive assistance.
Side Note: The adoption assistance programs are in place to help families that are willing to adopt children with special needs. In the past (which still happens today more often that anyone likes), children with special needs were (are) put into institutional settings to manage their needs. The cost to the state/country for each child in an institutional setting is well over $5000 a month in addition to their medical costs (that is staff, feeding, etc...). Also, children do not have the stimulation of family and regular life, nor the advocacy ability of a loving family, in order to help them reach their full potential and become contributing members of society as much as they are able (which kids like my boys have full potential with the right early support to become completely self supporting adults with college degrees, jobs, families of their own, etc... a chance the would be greatly diminished is raised in an institutionalized setting). The cost of the children staying in foster care is less than $3000 a month plus medical (I can not remember where I got these estimates, I wrote it out when I got the info, but did not write the source down, I'll try to find it sometime). For adoption assistance for kids with high needs, most states give around $400-600 a month plus medicaid to supplement your family insurance to cover the kids additional needs (thus reducing the amount the state spends on medical care per child as your family insurance is primary and the medicaid support only covers what they do not). This gives people who have the heart and commitment to adopt kids who require more care and availability the financial boost to do so (as without it most people could not handle the additional costs of raising a child with special needs), while also saving the state and country more than ten times the funds per child for institutional care. AND the best part is that it gives the children a chance to grow up in loving families and a much better chance of becoming contributing members of society with full, active lives of their own. It is a win all around.
Now back to our post... So we decided that with the programs to help bridge us over until his adoption assistance would be accepted (or to use if he ended up not getting adoption assistance--it can be tricky with placements from a private agency), we decided on Wednesday that we would be happy to be his family. His needs were a bit daunting as he was a 28 week preemie who had already had heart surgery, had 2 massive brain bleeds, hydrocephalus, and a number of other issues. But something about him just felt right, so we stepped out and accepted him. The call we got after that kind of knocked our socks off. He was being released from the hospital on Monday and if we could please come down that weekend so we could do the training at the hospital for his care needs, then he could join our family directly. To learn more about his initial needs, please see this post from a couple of weeks ago which lists his pre-adoptive needs. Luckily Philadelphia was in driving distance, and they waived all of the placement fees for his adoption, and we flew into a tizzy. We both had to get time off from work (easier for me than for A as Cornell was an amazing place to work), scurried to get things together for an infant as we have not planned AT ALL on receiving a child that young. So an infant car seat, a bassinet, and some infant clothes, blankets, infant bottles, etc, etc... (how often do you have only 2 days to prepare for newborn (he was 2/12 months old but was such an extreme preemie that by the end of October was at a newborn size 7 pounds 2 oz and development level) especially since everything has to be washed in infant detergent and all that BEFORE he comes home).
So we got that all in place, and then left Friday morning (only 3 days after learning he existed). We got to the hospital around noon, met with the agency social worker, then got to go to the NICU to meet him and talk with the doctors and nurses. The agency social worker hung out with Gonzo while we were in the NICU itself as he was too young to be allowed in. We spent a lot of time talking with the doctors. His potential could have been anything, there was even a very slim chance he would have no issues when he grew up. But an extremely high chance (over 75%) that he would have severe spastic quad CP. There was a good chance that he would never roll over, never speak, maybe even never hold his own head up. There was a chance that he would be blind, and as he had failed 2 newborn hearing screenings, a chance that he was deaf.
I took G down for lunch with the social worker, and A stayed with the baby, we brought lunch back upstairs and we sat in the NICU waiting room and talked. That afternoon, sat down with the social workers, and signed the adoptive placement papers (as I mentioned previously, you have to have 6 months at least after placement before the legal adoption is finalized). So he was placed in our care. We went over to the hotel and had dinner together. Then A and Gonzo stayed at the hotel while I went back for the pre-arranged overnight training stay, where the baby, by now called Josiah by us though his legal name was "baby boy" and I had a private room so that I could care for him with all his monitors and such and the NICU was just a couple of doors down and a quick phone call away. It was a long night, and a lot to learn, but we managed it. Monday he was released into our care, and once the ICPC was done (luckily it was very fast and had been started the week before when we had declared our intent to adopt (not so much paperwork as with a public agency)) and we headed home with our new, beautiful, and medically fragile baby boy.
That is how Josiah first joined our family (and the real trials of life and death, hope and futility, fear and faith, love and sorrow, and all those other balances...) began..
And our Little Gonzo was a Big Brother now. One year after we met Gonzo, 9 months after he arrived home.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Part 3...Thinking....
Sorry for the delay. The last couple of days have been busy. Lets see, where was I in the story...
Oh, we had heard back from some of the case workers about children we had inquired about. One was a little boy in Texas who was just over 2 years old with a number of developmental issues. We almost made it to the final three pool. Many agencies and foster care systems select the three most likely families for a final in depth evaluation in order to choose the best family. So making it to the final three is a really great step. Around the same time, we were in the final running for a child through Spence-Chapin, an infant with FAS. She was a beautiful little girl, and we were excited about the possibility of adopting her. But we were not the family selected for her, which was about a month later. Soon after that we were called about an infant boy through Adoption Star who had holoproloencephaly, but he would need to be picked up the week, and we did not have the funds available for the placement fee at that time, as the fees for his adoption were higher than we were prepared for (around $6000, about twice what we were prepared for). With infant adoption, even special needs, even with reduced fees some adoptions are more costly for a variety of reasons.
Soon after that the case worker from the Texas foster care system contacted us again. She said that the chosen family had turned down the little boy after getting his full disclosure information packet, and they were again selecting potential families and wanted to know if we were still interested in being considered for him. We said yes of course, however a couple weeks later we learned we were not chosen again. Around that time, we had heard about a baby boy in Louisiana whose issues I can not recall now. We sent in our home study and had some conversations with the case worker, and she with our social worker. We did end up in the final running for him, but were not the family chosen. Hurricane Katrina hit about a week after that. I remember praying that the chosen family had been able to get there, so that he was with his family during that stressful time.
An Aside: That is one of the problems with the adoption journey. You invest a little piece of your heart in each child, even the ones you don't inquire on. But you rarely, if ever, have a chance to learn what happened to them. Some kids in the foster care system that I have watched for a long time are still there, their pictures and descriptions being updated periodically, growing older and older without a family to call their own. Hopefully they have not been moved too many times. Multiple changes in family is NOT good for children. So I just continue to pray for them and hope that they are well and that a family match will be made for them soon. Often it is not that there are no families willing to accept them. More often, it is the case of overloaded case loads, or case workers that have decide that only a particular family will do, and so they bar matching based on a prejudice (family needs to make a certain income, family needs to be the same race, family needs a stay at home mom, family must have no other kids, family must be experienced, must be a two parent family, must be a particular religious denomination, must be a certain age, must be in a certain locale, etc...), without giving the child a chance to know the love and stability of family. While there are laws in place to protect children from the preconceived notions of caseworkers, it is hard to get them enforced. So some kids sit in foster care while literally hundreds of families have expressed an interest. On the adoption boards, it is heart breaking when you see a child that so many have expressed a desire to adopt, but they are rejected by the caseworker for no real reason. And for years the child loses out on having a good family. While I believe that the foster care system is far better than some alternatives (like institutionalization, which is not as bad in this country as it is in others), there is just so much bad practice, poor oversight, caseworkers and such that like the power and have forgotten about helping the kids, and so much bureaucracy that paperwork trumps the needs of the child very often. But it is a necessary function to keep kids safe. There are GREAT caseworkers out there, great supervisors, great, caring compassionate people in all levels that DO care for the kids and have to fight with the system they work for to ensure what is best for the kids. I have been honored to meet and work with quite a few of them. It is a system worth fixing. Okay, off my soap box now.
So, anyway, where was I, oh yes, after we were not chosen for little Lucas, we continued, as we had been, sending out our inquiry forms to any child's caseworker we thought we were a potential match for. We were in contact with The Cradle out in IL about a beautiful baby girl with Apert Syndrome. During the process, one of the people I talked to was surprised I had not seen her picture, so she told me the link to go to. She did not, however, tell me that it was a private link, as most of the agencies I had been working with had a handful of public photos with the child intros. She was such a beautiful baby, that I shared her picture on an email list as I child I was hoping to adopt. But when the agency found out, there was a lot of backlash, and we were taken out of the running because of it. I never thought to ask, as I had not run into many private pictures before that from the agencies I had been working with. And the few times we were given private photos, it was stated right up front that they were private and not to be shared. So that miscommunication ended that exchange.
During that time we were contacted again by the Texas case worker. For a third time, (once before we were in the loop and now twice since) the family who was selected for this little boy backed out once they got his full disclosure packet. There were doing another family selection and wanted to know if we were still interested, and to make sure that we understood what global developmental delays, product of a consanguios relationship, prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, and a benign cyst in his head meant. She was tired of people saying they were ready to parent him and then when they go the reports and such, realized he had more issues than they realized. So I said yes, we understand what that set of issues could mean for his present and future, and yes we were still interested. We moved on to the next level of selection and went to the three family committee (or rather our social worker got all of the information together and went to the meeting as out representative as is usually the case). A few days later we got a phone call. Our family had been selected for little G, who was now 2 years and 7 months old. The information packet with pictures and his full disclosure was being sent to our social worker for our review. (and we were told it was private info not to be shared until we signed an intent to adopt and the process was fully underway).
So about a week later we got a call from out social worker and went to her office, expecting a thick folder with his disclosure, after all he was only 2years 7 months old, how much of a folder could he have. When we arrived, she told us to sit down, and had an odd look on her face. First she handed us a stack of pictures and a letter that had come with it which was summary of his issues essentially. He was quite cute. Then she walked into her office and brought out a huge stack of papers, over 1500 pages. THIS was his full disclosure. half of the bulk of it was redacted reports of the early CPS visits, the allegations, the court findings, etc... Both from before he was removed from his home and after. There were the reports from the foster home she had been in and why after only a few weeks the foster parents requested that he be moved. This little guy, at not even three years old, had gone through so much. First his conception was not a consensual one, and was a very traumatic even for his 14 year old birth mother. As she had no way out, she turned to drugs (primarily any pills that a 14 yr old can get her hands on and alcohol) to deal with the painful and trapping situation she was in. He was actually fairly healthy when he was born, and was sent home with his young mom to home that was really not a safe place for either of them. My heart continues to go out for his birth mom, even today. She has walked a hard and rough road so young. The initial CPS call had been before he was born, but the findings were unfounded. During the first year of his life there were over 5 visits to the home. By the time he was 13 months old (when he and his mother and her sisters were removed from the home) he was emaciated, did not crawl, or walk, or talk, and had only two reactions when he came into foster care--if offered a bottle he would suck it down as fast as he could, and if someone raised their voice or their hand, he would visibly flinch (something he still does to this day). He did not play with toys, did not interact with other people, and as one foster parent described him "was like a wild animal".
G had bounced through five foster homes before his parental rights were terminated. He learned to crawl around 22 months old, and walk at 2 years 2 months old. He started to say words around that time. An MRI revealed an anacroid cyst in his head (left side), and genetic testing ruled out a number of possible disorders. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was 2, as well as his global developmental delays, hypotonia (very low muscle tone), weaker right side, and potential minor genetic issues not screened for due to his beginning. We read every page (1500 pages...) of his full disclosure packet. We could understand why he had been turned down by four families prior to us (one was a former foster family before they started family selection), his paperwork was daunting. But we talked about it and decided that we felt we could handle his issues. So a week after we first got his information (it took a few days to read it all), we sat with our social worker and discussed his issues, and then we signed the intent to adopt and set it back to Texas. That was in early October. A couple of weeks later we had a conference call with both social workers, his foster mom, his speech therapist, his occupational therapist, and his physical therapist. We asked a lot of questions and got more concrete information about him as a person, not just a report on paper. We even got to hear him on the phone for the first time. He was only saying one or two words at a time, but he had a cute voice. His echolalia was evident, as he would repeat what his foster mother said.
We arranged to go down to meet him in person and spend time with him a couple of weeks later. So November 2nd we flew to Texas, and spent 10 days with him, mostly at his foster home. His foster mom was great. She was the one who had gotten him into early intervention and worked hard with him on his developmental growth. We learned of his incredible fear of water, his love of pushing buttons, and his sweet smile. We even got permission to have him a couple of nights at our hotel, and took him to the zoo. He was very overwhelmed by the zoo at first (and by the fact that he really had only known us a week), but after we sat quietly by the duck pond and fed the ducks with the quarter machine duck food, he started to relax and was able to enjoy himself. We took him to a couple of playgrounds, which he had never been too, and he loved it. It was a great "get to know you time". I wish we could have taken him home then. But alas the process is long. We had to wait on paperwork and such. We also got to meet with his doctor while we were there, and got information to take back to the doctor we had chosen at home.
When we left, we had high hopes that he would be home for Christmas. Late in November, while all of our paperwork was in process (interstate adoption can actually be harder than inter country adoption, as I heard from someone in Belgium and someone in Canada, it was easier for them to adopt a child from the US than it is for someone from a different state to adopt a child within the US--something is wrong with that picture). We got a call from the international agency we had been working with. Our dear, dear Rustam was available again. Upon further medical testing, the family decided NOT to adopt him. So he was available. So of course we filled them in on the in process adoptive placement, and as both parties were agreeable, we made the snap decision to get our dossier translated and sent to the region in an effort to try to bring our boy home. The next day, we went over the new reports, some dated earlier than the ones we had previously, but with different information on them. We felt jerked around by that point with the whole international adoption issues, and since we had G firmly in process and he was coming home soon, we did not want to jeopardize his adoption by chasing a ghost. So we went above the agency's head to their parent agency, told our story and our concerns, asking for clarification of the information we were given and the discrepancies. We still wanted to move forward, we just wanted to make sure it was real. We got a reasonable explanation back from the parent agency, and were satisfied with their response. however, the subsidiary agency got very upset with us for asking our questions above their heads (questions that they had been asked but could not provide satisfactory answers to). They terminated our contract, and thus we lost Rustam again. In hind sight we could have fought the hard fight and tried to get accepted through the parent agency to try to bring him home, but as it was, our funds for adoption were low, and though we could get a second mortgage on the house to do it, we really had to focus on G in Texas, as he was a sure thing, and Rustam was not.
So we again grieved for Rustam. But we had to focus on preparing for G to come home. We had a travel date of December 22nd to bring him home. So our plan was to fly down on the 22nd, get all the papers signed, stay in Texas, with him with his foster mom, for Christmas (rather than rush him to unfamiliar territory right before Christmas, and then come home after that with him. We were awaiting final confirmation of the travel plans, when on December 19th we got a call that said that a judge blocked the adoption because he did not think the child should be placed out of state (enter the joys of ridiculous financial incentives given to the state for placing children in state even when the agency has gone to extreme measures to place him in state without success, and thus turned to out of state to find a proper home).
So began the most ridiculous and expensive part of our adoption journey. There was no way that this boy, whom had been given up on by so many people, and had spent the past two months with daily phone calls, videos, photo albums, and his foster mom preparing him to move to our home, there was no way we were going to allow some short sighted stuck up judge to deny him the family he had been being prepared for. So we fought, we called our adoption lawyer in NY, who could only advise as he had no jurisdiction in Texas. Then we called every lawyer we could find in the greater Houston area. Well, A did most of that work, I was focusing on my job a lot during that period as we were very busy at work, focusing on my job kept me sane, and it was our primary income to support our hopefully growing family. most of the ones we talked to said they felt our pain, yes it was unjust, and not right, but they would not take the case. The Texas agency had been told not to talk to us--though not all listened, because they hated the injustice, and they explained to us that it was a good ole boys club, and if they stepped on a judges toes, they would be "punished" by the judge ruling against them in the next few case brought to court, thus messing up foster care placements and adoptive placement just out of vindictiveness (of course they said this off the record, and I respect their need for privacy and the protection of their positions).
We finally found a lawyers ballsy enough to take the case, and who charged an exorbitant fee. A's niece was a new lawyer fresh out of law school and got us some information that we passed on tot he lawyer in TX. Then on the adoption lists, I got some information about the Child Placement Act of 1994, which states that you can NOT be denied placement merely because of geography (out of county, out of state, etc...). So the judge's ruling was illegal. We passed this paragraph of a huge, multi page bill (so easy to miss), on to our lawyer in TX. She was able to get the judge to recuse himself from the case (which saves face for him and fixed the problem for us as it went to another judge who was aware of the fight). The legal costs topped $9,000--so yes we did take out that second mortgage on the home. We were told that most of the time people just give up when they are denied. And if we had not already "lost" so many kids we had been preparing for through the international adoption process, we might have been more likely to give up. But it just was ridiculous NOT to fight against a prejudice and self-seeking judge. He later claimed, for the record (trust me we heard about some things he said off the record (primarily about our family make up) that make me realize he is NOT a good man), that he had not realized so many attempts had been made to place in the state, which was not true as he was told that at the hearing in December when he denied the placement.
That new judge said that he trusted the agency to make the right placement for the child. So they contacted us and within 10 days, I was on a plane to Texas. i spent a week with G so that he could get to know me again, and so I could try to explain snow to him as it was February and he had never seen snow like what we get up here--Texas was balmy to me in February (A had to stay home and work as we did not have the funds for both of us to be out of work and both fly down). To make sure everything was by the book, the state requires an overnight visit in the prospective home prior to final placement. That is usually waived for longer distance adoptions, but with all the issues the agency decided to make sure it was done. So a caseworker flew back to our state with us, inspected the home as required, G spent the night while the caseworker enjoyed the bed and breakfast that was down the street. She came over in the morning and we signed all of the final papers for his placement. We got the normal six month post placement, pre-adoptive time shorted to five months, and were able to finalize his adoption in our own state. July 31st was his finalization day.
So that is how Gonzo came to be our son.
I know this series of posts is entitled thinking, and you can think a lot more thoughts in a short period of time, but it take days to try to write it out. I will continue this story, as it is pertinent to what I am thinking about. But right now I need to spend some times with my boys. They are playing Monkey Ball on the game cube right now.
Oh, we had heard back from some of the case workers about children we had inquired about. One was a little boy in Texas who was just over 2 years old with a number of developmental issues. We almost made it to the final three pool. Many agencies and foster care systems select the three most likely families for a final in depth evaluation in order to choose the best family. So making it to the final three is a really great step. Around the same time, we were in the final running for a child through Spence-Chapin, an infant with FAS. She was a beautiful little girl, and we were excited about the possibility of adopting her. But we were not the family selected for her, which was about a month later. Soon after that we were called about an infant boy through Adoption Star who had holoproloencephaly, but he would need to be picked up the week, and we did not have the funds available for the placement fee at that time, as the fees for his adoption were higher than we were prepared for (around $6000, about twice what we were prepared for). With infant adoption, even special needs, even with reduced fees some adoptions are more costly for a variety of reasons.
Soon after that the case worker from the Texas foster care system contacted us again. She said that the chosen family had turned down the little boy after getting his full disclosure information packet, and they were again selecting potential families and wanted to know if we were still interested in being considered for him. We said yes of course, however a couple weeks later we learned we were not chosen again. Around that time, we had heard about a baby boy in Louisiana whose issues I can not recall now. We sent in our home study and had some conversations with the case worker, and she with our social worker. We did end up in the final running for him, but were not the family chosen. Hurricane Katrina hit about a week after that. I remember praying that the chosen family had been able to get there, so that he was with his family during that stressful time.
An Aside: That is one of the problems with the adoption journey. You invest a little piece of your heart in each child, even the ones you don't inquire on. But you rarely, if ever, have a chance to learn what happened to them. Some kids in the foster care system that I have watched for a long time are still there, their pictures and descriptions being updated periodically, growing older and older without a family to call their own. Hopefully they have not been moved too many times. Multiple changes in family is NOT good for children. So I just continue to pray for them and hope that they are well and that a family match will be made for them soon. Often it is not that there are no families willing to accept them. More often, it is the case of overloaded case loads, or case workers that have decide that only a particular family will do, and so they bar matching based on a prejudice (family needs to make a certain income, family needs to be the same race, family needs a stay at home mom, family must have no other kids, family must be experienced, must be a two parent family, must be a particular religious denomination, must be a certain age, must be in a certain locale, etc...), without giving the child a chance to know the love and stability of family. While there are laws in place to protect children from the preconceived notions of caseworkers, it is hard to get them enforced. So some kids sit in foster care while literally hundreds of families have expressed an interest. On the adoption boards, it is heart breaking when you see a child that so many have expressed a desire to adopt, but they are rejected by the caseworker for no real reason. And for years the child loses out on having a good family. While I believe that the foster care system is far better than some alternatives (like institutionalization, which is not as bad in this country as it is in others), there is just so much bad practice, poor oversight, caseworkers and such that like the power and have forgotten about helping the kids, and so much bureaucracy that paperwork trumps the needs of the child very often. But it is a necessary function to keep kids safe. There are GREAT caseworkers out there, great supervisors, great, caring compassionate people in all levels that DO care for the kids and have to fight with the system they work for to ensure what is best for the kids. I have been honored to meet and work with quite a few of them. It is a system worth fixing. Okay, off my soap box now.
So, anyway, where was I, oh yes, after we were not chosen for little Lucas, we continued, as we had been, sending out our inquiry forms to any child's caseworker we thought we were a potential match for. We were in contact with The Cradle out in IL about a beautiful baby girl with Apert Syndrome. During the process, one of the people I talked to was surprised I had not seen her picture, so she told me the link to go to. She did not, however, tell me that it was a private link, as most of the agencies I had been working with had a handful of public photos with the child intros. She was such a beautiful baby, that I shared her picture on an email list as I child I was hoping to adopt. But when the agency found out, there was a lot of backlash, and we were taken out of the running because of it. I never thought to ask, as I had not run into many private pictures before that from the agencies I had been working with. And the few times we were given private photos, it was stated right up front that they were private and not to be shared. So that miscommunication ended that exchange.
During that time we were contacted again by the Texas case worker. For a third time, (once before we were in the loop and now twice since) the family who was selected for this little boy backed out once they got his full disclosure packet. There were doing another family selection and wanted to know if we were still interested, and to make sure that we understood what global developmental delays, product of a consanguios relationship, prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, and a benign cyst in his head meant. She was tired of people saying they were ready to parent him and then when they go the reports and such, realized he had more issues than they realized. So I said yes, we understand what that set of issues could mean for his present and future, and yes we were still interested. We moved on to the next level of selection and went to the three family committee (or rather our social worker got all of the information together and went to the meeting as out representative as is usually the case). A few days later we got a phone call. Our family had been selected for little G, who was now 2 years and 7 months old. The information packet with pictures and his full disclosure was being sent to our social worker for our review. (and we were told it was private info not to be shared until we signed an intent to adopt and the process was fully underway).
So about a week later we got a call from out social worker and went to her office, expecting a thick folder with his disclosure, after all he was only 2years 7 months old, how much of a folder could he have. When we arrived, she told us to sit down, and had an odd look on her face. First she handed us a stack of pictures and a letter that had come with it which was summary of his issues essentially. He was quite cute. Then she walked into her office and brought out a huge stack of papers, over 1500 pages. THIS was his full disclosure. half of the bulk of it was redacted reports of the early CPS visits, the allegations, the court findings, etc... Both from before he was removed from his home and after. There were the reports from the foster home she had been in and why after only a few weeks the foster parents requested that he be moved. This little guy, at not even three years old, had gone through so much. First his conception was not a consensual one, and was a very traumatic even for his 14 year old birth mother. As she had no way out, she turned to drugs (primarily any pills that a 14 yr old can get her hands on and alcohol) to deal with the painful and trapping situation she was in. He was actually fairly healthy when he was born, and was sent home with his young mom to home that was really not a safe place for either of them. My heart continues to go out for his birth mom, even today. She has walked a hard and rough road so young. The initial CPS call had been before he was born, but the findings were unfounded. During the first year of his life there were over 5 visits to the home. By the time he was 13 months old (when he and his mother and her sisters were removed from the home) he was emaciated, did not crawl, or walk, or talk, and had only two reactions when he came into foster care--if offered a bottle he would suck it down as fast as he could, and if someone raised their voice or their hand, he would visibly flinch (something he still does to this day). He did not play with toys, did not interact with other people, and as one foster parent described him "was like a wild animal".
G had bounced through five foster homes before his parental rights were terminated. He learned to crawl around 22 months old, and walk at 2 years 2 months old. He started to say words around that time. An MRI revealed an anacroid cyst in his head (left side), and genetic testing ruled out a number of possible disorders. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was 2, as well as his global developmental delays, hypotonia (very low muscle tone), weaker right side, and potential minor genetic issues not screened for due to his beginning. We read every page (1500 pages...) of his full disclosure packet. We could understand why he had been turned down by four families prior to us (one was a former foster family before they started family selection), his paperwork was daunting. But we talked about it and decided that we felt we could handle his issues. So a week after we first got his information (it took a few days to read it all), we sat with our social worker and discussed his issues, and then we signed the intent to adopt and set it back to Texas. That was in early October. A couple of weeks later we had a conference call with both social workers, his foster mom, his speech therapist, his occupational therapist, and his physical therapist. We asked a lot of questions and got more concrete information about him as a person, not just a report on paper. We even got to hear him on the phone for the first time. He was only saying one or two words at a time, but he had a cute voice. His echolalia was evident, as he would repeat what his foster mother said.
So we again grieved for Rustam. But we had to focus on preparing for G to come home. We had a travel date of December 22nd to bring him home. So our plan was to fly down on the 22nd, get all the papers signed, stay in Texas, with him with his foster mom, for Christmas (rather than rush him to unfamiliar territory right before Christmas, and then come home after that with him. We were awaiting final confirmation of the travel plans, when on December 19th we got a call that said that a judge blocked the adoption because he did not think the child should be placed out of state (enter the joys of ridiculous financial incentives given to the state for placing children in state even when the agency has gone to extreme measures to place him in state without success, and thus turned to out of state to find a proper home).
So began the most ridiculous and expensive part of our adoption journey. There was no way that this boy, whom had been given up on by so many people, and had spent the past two months with daily phone calls, videos, photo albums, and his foster mom preparing him to move to our home, there was no way we were going to allow some short sighted stuck up judge to deny him the family he had been being prepared for. So we fought, we called our adoption lawyer in NY, who could only advise as he had no jurisdiction in Texas. Then we called every lawyer we could find in the greater Houston area. Well, A did most of that work, I was focusing on my job a lot during that period as we were very busy at work, focusing on my job kept me sane, and it was our primary income to support our hopefully growing family. most of the ones we talked to said they felt our pain, yes it was unjust, and not right, but they would not take the case. The Texas agency had been told not to talk to us--though not all listened, because they hated the injustice, and they explained to us that it was a good ole boys club, and if they stepped on a judges toes, they would be "punished" by the judge ruling against them in the next few case brought to court, thus messing up foster care placements and adoptive placement just out of vindictiveness (of course they said this off the record, and I respect their need for privacy and the protection of their positions).
We finally found a lawyers ballsy enough to take the case, and who charged an exorbitant fee. A's niece was a new lawyer fresh out of law school and got us some information that we passed on tot he lawyer in TX. Then on the adoption lists, I got some information about the Child Placement Act of 1994, which states that you can NOT be denied placement merely because of geography (out of county, out of state, etc...). So the judge's ruling was illegal. We passed this paragraph of a huge, multi page bill (so easy to miss), on to our lawyer in TX. She was able to get the judge to recuse himself from the case (which saves face for him and fixed the problem for us as it went to another judge who was aware of the fight). The legal costs topped $9,000--so yes we did take out that second mortgage on the home. We were told that most of the time people just give up when they are denied. And if we had not already "lost" so many kids we had been preparing for through the international adoption process, we might have been more likely to give up. But it just was ridiculous NOT to fight against a prejudice and self-seeking judge. He later claimed, for the record (trust me we heard about some things he said off the record (primarily about our family make up) that make me realize he is NOT a good man), that he had not realized so many attempts had been made to place in the state, which was not true as he was told that at the hearing in December when he denied the placement.
That new judge said that he trusted the agency to make the right placement for the child. So they contacted us and within 10 days, I was on a plane to Texas. i spent a week with G so that he could get to know me again, and so I could try to explain snow to him as it was February and he had never seen snow like what we get up here--Texas was balmy to me in February (A had to stay home and work as we did not have the funds for both of us to be out of work and both fly down). To make sure everything was by the book, the state requires an overnight visit in the prospective home prior to final placement. That is usually waived for longer distance adoptions, but with all the issues the agency decided to make sure it was done. So a caseworker flew back to our state with us, inspected the home as required, G spent the night while the caseworker enjoyed the bed and breakfast that was down the street. She came over in the morning and we signed all of the final papers for his placement. We got the normal six month post placement, pre-adoptive time shorted to five months, and were able to finalize his adoption in our own state. July 31st was his finalization day.
So that is how Gonzo came to be our son.
I know this series of posts is entitled thinking, and you can think a lot more thoughts in a short period of time, but it take days to try to write it out. I will continue this story, as it is pertinent to what I am thinking about. But right now I need to spend some times with my boys. They are playing Monkey Ball on the game cube right now.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thinking....part 2....
Well, it seems weird to call it thinking part two (as when do we even NOT think) but to keep it consistent as it is really the extension of yesterday's post, I figured it was best to do that...
So, where was I...oh yes, so we decide that both emotionally and financially pushing forward with the international adoption was not something we were able to do at the time, we turned our focus to adopting a child from the US foster care system. We got our homestudy revamped for that focus, and began inquiring on children that were available that we felt would be a good match for our family. We sent out over 60 inquiries. We heard back from only about 15 (which is really incredibly high, as usually you don't even get any word, so to even hear back from 25% is huge. Most we were told either were already in a matching process, or that we were not a fit for their criteria. There were a couple that were interested in seeing our family profile and pictures.
...sorry for the interrupted story, I'll have to finish later, I just wanted you all to know that I did write a bit today...time is moving too fast some days.
So, where was I...oh yes, so we decide that both emotionally and financially pushing forward with the international adoption was not something we were able to do at the time, we turned our focus to adopting a child from the US foster care system. We got our homestudy revamped for that focus, and began inquiring on children that were available that we felt would be a good match for our family. We sent out over 60 inquiries. We heard back from only about 15 (which is really incredibly high, as usually you don't even get any word, so to even hear back from 25% is huge. Most we were told either were already in a matching process, or that we were not a fit for their criteria. There were a couple that were interested in seeing our family profile and pictures.
...sorry for the interrupted story, I'll have to finish later, I just wanted you all to know that I did write a bit today...time is moving too fast some days.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thinking........always a dangerous activity....part 1....
I think I wrote a while back about the analogy I had heard of going from say Las Vegas to Los Angeles and how even if you did not know the exact route, if you knew the basic direction, and you keep going in that direction, then you will eventually get there. The second portion of that analogy is that if you set out in that direction, and then change your mind and start heading in another direction, and then change your mind and start heading back, and so on, you could essentially be lost forever, turning in circles and never actually getting anywhere. To way to get somewhere is to keep heading in that general direction. It is sticking with a single decision that keeps a person moving in the chosen direction, and making each decision based on that initial decision. If you always override your past decision in favor of a new one, you end up floundering in the wilderness, unsure of exactly where you are, how you got there, or where you are going.
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
But we were firm in our commitment to give a child with special needs from Russia, as children with special needs are placed in mental institutions at age 5 and are not available for adoption after that. They live out their lives, like the US used to treat people with disabilities--hidden away from sight, treated poorly due to the belief that they are essentially of lesser value than "regular" human beings. Not given the chance to grow, learn, and become productive members of society. So, we lifted up our broken hearts, and committed one more time, to a little boy who was in yet another region of Russia. As many of our clearances had expired we used a sizable portion of our saved funds (which had been dipped into for the second attempt) to redo all of our paperwork for yet another region. This time we were hoping to bring home Kirril (whom were were going to rename Korey). He had hydrocephalus and possible mild CP.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
Monday, March 21, 2011
A side note: Prayers for 2 kids who need families...
I could not figure out how to get the photo of Michael to upload to facebook, so I am going to do a blog post about both Micheal and Haven. I have been assigned as their Prayer Warrior through Reece's Rainbow. So I am committed to praying for them until they have a committed family. Please join in in sending your prayers and your good will out to them and to potential families who may be a good match for them.
Here is Michael D.:
He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage. Please prayer that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution when he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable. If he has a committed family before his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway. He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm
For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs. It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families. Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children. It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website. Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, not chance to become active, functioning members of society. Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own. By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves. Of if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves. There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it. So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)). And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for adults with special needs. When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residence to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc... They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect.
Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group? Why not focus on the USA? Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted. So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one). The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible. I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in our own country. But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.
He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage. Please prayer that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution when he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable. If he has a committed family before his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway. He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm
And this is Haven, and her info from RR:
"Girl, Born March 2006
Poor Haven……sweet little girl. Such a pretty girl burdened with such medical and cognitive difficulties….and no mama to love her through them.
From her medical records: celiac disease, CP, toxic Hepatitis, hypotrophy of III stage
From our team who visited there: Haven is afraid of strangers and would not interact with us "
"
I am not sure which country she is in, though most EE countries transfer to institutions at the age of 5. It appears she is NOT in Russia, so even if she is transferred, it might still be possible for her to be adopted. However, medical care at the institutions tend to be very poor, and often over 50% of kids transferred do not survive their first year. With her medical issues, an institutional life will be a short one. So pray that a family steps forward for her soon.
For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs. It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families. Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children. It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website. Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, not chance to become active, functioning members of society. Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own. By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves. Of if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves. There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it. So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)). And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for adults with special needs. When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residence to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc... They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect.
Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group? Why not focus on the USA? Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted. So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one). The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible. I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in our own country. But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A history of how I got to where I am (and why a new beginning is so important)
So now that you know my goal for the near future, let me tell you a bit about who I am and how I got to where I am today--ready to share with a whole world of strangers the next phase of my journey in life.
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
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