Amazon Shipping

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day whatever--18 I think it is, it's been a LOOOOONG day

SO...Today was abit of a crazy day (why does it seem I say that lot).  In the end though it turned out to be a GOOD GOOD day.

So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany.  As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...).  so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment.  So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond.  It was a nice, though crisp, morning.  I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz.  Then I headed for the path around the pond.  I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon.  So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign).  It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc...  (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead).  So it was a good releasing walk.

Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast.  I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station.  And I had a bottle of water already in my car.  After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing.  I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused. 

Anyway, I was at the library and A called.  We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to.  I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those.  Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex?  Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent?  Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship?  Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?"  Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really.  It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more.  So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done."  And A was okay with that.  So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me.  We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other.  I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut.  I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need.  That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too.  It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet.  The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down.  Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves.  Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.

After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short.  So I did not get as much done as I wanted to.  Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch.  So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch.  It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past.  It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit).  The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.

Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office.  You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur)  If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment.  So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late.  I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together.  I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off  to fold and the big wheels pop off as well.  So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building.  It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week).  I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way.  But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God.  A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at  the time).  It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book.  But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me.  Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.

So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow.  We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group.  If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch.  My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous.  I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed....  That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.

Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!!  The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids.  A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone.  It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up.  J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much  more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor.  J's lung sound good.  He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks.  He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand.  It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop.  That is a very good body awareness.  however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit.  But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him.  So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises.  He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to.  J still has an undetified skin issue.  He really needs to see another dermatologist.  But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds.  So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.

Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc.  We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer.  I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad.  So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT.  I LIKE this doc.  That is a huge relief.  (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).

On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good).  I had a bottle of water in the car as well.  We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic.  So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home.  I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!?  So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!!  but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight).  So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.

So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc... 

So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it.  And a couple fo cups of water.  I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe.  So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food.  So not a good eating day overall.  My body, brain and spirit are tired.  I really  have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors.  It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.

Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed.  I  know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there).  So, tata for now...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Day 17 (right?)

Sorry for the over 24 hours without an update (I know I don't have you waiting on the edge of your seatrs, but it is fun to pretend...). 

Okay so yesterday just was a really long day.  After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine).  So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged).  I just had been planning on  my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit.  So more stress on top of a stressful day. 

Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today).  So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun. 

We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad.  then cake and ice cream for dessert.

It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today.  Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year.  I was a few minutes late for it.  It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting.  J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it.  He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will).  So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic.  But he does work hard.  the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility.  He is sucha  gem.  Overall the meeting went very well.

After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session.  I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go.  I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not. 

So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.

Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day.  I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf.  I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water.  I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day16--Breathing, breathing


It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....

I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices.  Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home?  I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited. 

So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all.  I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration.  So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care.  SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do. 

So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears.  So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds.  There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head.  The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt.  So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin).  So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful.  It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit.  I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff.  Every little bit helps.

So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully).  I also had a bottle of water.

After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on).  So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.

For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me.  With a bottle of water of course.

And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.

Monday, March 28, 2011


That is my intention, my prayer, mediditation tonight

I send it out to the universe

I am allowing whatever comes to flow to and through me

Day 15--getting back to routine

While today was a little discombobulated with having to go to the salvage yard and turn over the car's title to get paid and then back down to be able to work at the library, overall it was a good day.  they boys both had a good day at school, and I got some productive work done on my website.  I need to write a couple of articles this evening as they are the bread and butter of my income.  And hopefully will be able to finish the page on my website that I started today. 

Well on to food journalling:
Water on the ride down

Breakfast at 9:30 am when I filled up the gas tank--A Stewart's Eggwich (Sausage, egg & cheese on a hard roll) and a large cup of coffee (cream and sugar) and a bottle of water

Lunch at 1:30 while driving from library to get J--Vanilla Yogurt (low fat), with instant oatmeal packet and some dried cherries

Snack in car while waiting for G--2 chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of water

Got home and A was at my house and had cooked dinner, so I sampled some ham after I got home.  Then dinner was roasted Ham, potatoes and carrots around 5:30.  it was very good, and a surprise to not have to cook.  While I appreciate A's cooking, it makes me wary of boundaries.  but right now I am trying to go with the flow.  We are trying to build a friendship and cooking dinner for someone is something a friend would do, so I am just going to appreciate it and leave my negative worries behind.  I am letting go, letting go...

I will probably have a snack later.  The boys had canned apricots for snack, which J liked but G not so much.  I might have a little something later, maybe just a cup of tea.  If I do i will come back here and put an update.  Well, I best get to writing articles if I am going to have a productive evening.

Weekly Weigh in Week 2

Okay, so I know you all wanted a picture of my feet on the scale, but alas my camera batteries were dead this morning when I went to take the picture.  I WILL buy batteries today and take a pic tomorrow morning to show how incredible just journaling my food intake has been (without being super strict with what I eat--yes I think about what I eat, but as you have seen, I have not really been "dieting").

So dadada, this morning the scale said 291lbs.  That is 8 pounds lost from last Monday's weigh in and 14 pounds down from my initial weigh in on March 14th.

So a Total of 14 pounds in 14 days!

So technically I am right on track for my 80 lbs in 80 days.
However, I do know that most of this weight loss is the first stage, which is loss of my stored glycogen.  I have written an article (warnign I did not proffread well before submitting it so there are a LOT of typos) on this which you can rad by clicking this title:
Glycogen: The Reason to Rejoice in Losing "Water Weight"

So, as I am probably just about out of stored glycogen (well I know I store new every day, but I am talking the massive amounts I have been hanging on to for a while), now I can start burning stored fat.   As fat is more than twice as energetic as glycogen, AND is not stored with massive amounts of water, it is actually going to take more actual effort on my part to keep the numbers going down. 

I am just so happy that I am off to a great start.  That Journaling my food intake honestly has actually STOPPED me from eating some things when I really was not hungry.  These two weeks where I have been focusing more on why I eat and just observing what I eat have been very helpful to me in determining what my negative food habits and negative food relationships are.  Because I am now clear that I eat to bury anger, I eat more than I want to even when I am not hungry because I hate to "waste" food, and I have this "because it was there" eating habit going on, now I know three of the primary mental/emotional/spiritual places that I can start from. 

I truly believe that aside from those few extra pounds that people tend to gain and lose and gain and lose, if you are overweight, the root of your problem is NOT that you are eating too much--THAT IS A SYMPTOM of a much larger issue in your life.  Just focusing on eating less or dieting is not going to bring the lasting change you are seeking.  There are underlying feelings, traumas, and buried ingrained ideas and habits that you are carrying that may not be in your best interest.  The key to becoming healthy is to recognize that it is ALL parts of you that need to work together.

So I am solidly in a good feeling place, having lost 4.6% of my overall body weight in two weeks.  I have a clear set of three non-physical areas that I can consciously work on to support my goal of achieving a healthy body, mind, and spirit.  And I have a handful of tools that I can use to work on those areas including:
Prayer and meditation; EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique); Breathing exercises; and Letting Go (I have added a few links on the side to some books and stuff that I find helpful to me in these). UPDATE:  I am adding a page to my website so that I don't have a ton of stuff in the margin of this blog.  So check out this page Useful Resources to explore futher. (note: I'll take the links down later when I have more time as I have to leave now and have not finished adding links ot the website page.)

I also have spent time researching what vitamins and herbal supplements can help support my body and help control my blood sugar while I go through this transformation process.  Supporting Mind, Body, Spirit, and emotions is vital to effecting true change.  I am so glad that I have committed to this journey.  And I am glad that you have chosen to walk beside me as I go forward!  Welcome to my world.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day 14--hair cuts, hydrocephalus, and Anticipating tomorrow's weigh in

Well, the evening went alright.  I had to give G a hair cut as his hair was just getting out of control.  I had figured I would do a simple trim with scissors, but alas G has  LOT of sensory issues with his head.  The joys of autism....

So what was going to be a quick trim before bath turned in to a full blown hair cut with the clippers because he moved at the wrong moment while I was trimming and ended up with a nearly bald spot.  So then, it was a bit of a wrestling match to get him to sit and calm down so that I could quickly buzz the sides and back of his hair and then a backwards buzz on top to keep the top a little longer, like he likes it.  It came out nice, but it takes SO MUCH out of both of us to do a full hair cut.  He is okay with the clippers as long as they have a guard on, but terrified of them when I have to take the guard off to clean up the back  neck area and his side burns (for an eight year old he has the most amazing side burns--and always has).  He is getting better as he gets older, as it used to take one person to hold him and the other person to quickly buzz his hair.  We had a friend/neighbor who owns a beauty shop and she was really good with him, though even there we had to double team him.  He now will sit fairly still, and let you do it, as he is realizing that it will be done faster that way.  But the tickling hair makes his squirm too, more that most people would.  Over all though we got a good hair cut and then he got int he shower, which helped get all of the little bits of hair off.

J asked me if I would cut his hair too, but I told him that I am out of energy and I would do his hair later this week.  His hair does need a cut, but where G's hair is straw straight like my own (must be the shared Native American blood in us), J's hair is made up of those amazing little, tight spring curls as he is mostly African American.  So doing J's hair requires more energy, creativity, and slow work than buzzing G's hair off.  And as J does sit patiently while you work on his hair, I enjoy taking the time to think about what style would be good for him.  I am really tempted to grow it longer and see what we can do with it, but it is already getting very difficult to pick out each morning, as it forms mats overnight. But both boys have amazing hair.  G's is actually darker than J's hair.  G has jet black straight hair, and J has dark brown curls.

I had a little cry tonight after the kids went to sleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.  I hate it when the kids are sick, it brings back memories of sitting by J's hospital bed during our numerous ICU stays when he was a baby) and wondering if he was going to make it.  I had a moment of that tonight, because even though he is getting through this cold/sinus/URI, his temperament has been really off--very moody, very changeable--it makes me worry about his hydrocephalus.  I have been trying to find a neurosurgeon closer to here, as his neurosurgeon that did his original surgery and that we have had do all the follow ups is now 8 hours away.  So, now that I am 99% sure we are staying here at least for a few years, I think it is time to find a neurosurgeon closer to follow J.  I had done some initial contact over teh last few months, but have yet to set anything up. Last year's appointment showed a possible increase in ventricle size, but he was showing no symptoms, so the doc recommended that we seek out someone who specializes in static hydrocephalus to follow him.  I have worked on that some (it is not a common speciality). I think I will be working on that more tomorrow, to get him an updated CT scan and in to see a new neurosurgeon.  He should not be this moody, even when sick he is usually not moody.  And as personality changes, particularly moodiness, is an early warning sign of increased pressure, I am feeling very strongly the need to have him checked out.

I did sit by his bed and pray over him for healing for a while. So I feel confident that the Spirit will lead me to the right people for him.  So tomorrow will be productive in that direction.

It is now time to head to bed.  I will just update the food journal as to what rounded out my day....

Dinner was Tuna Helper (generic brand) doctored up with left over veggies and some extra pasta.
And my evening snack was 1/2 sleeve of whole wheat crackers with cream cheese.
And I had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in, it should be interesting...

Day 14--enjoying my weekend

It has been a good weekend with the kids.  We have been taking it very easy as we are all still a little under the weather, but improving.  Today I spent some time creating a second blog that is connected to my website .  I have been working on creating more of an attitude of gratitude to overide some of the negativity in my life, and I decided I would do that publicly now, but on a seperate blog as the focus is very specific.  So I will be blogging a daily gratitude list on my blog called Daily Gratitude.  You go to my website and click on the Daily Gratitude link at the top.

The kids are napping, well J is napping and G is in bed watching a video and resting. I am going to be listening to one of the Healing with the Masters audio call that I missed earlier this week.  If you are interested in healing you should check out this teleseminar series, it is completely free, and I am loving that I can go back and listen to it even if I can't be on the call itself each week. 

Okay so food journal for today so far:
breakfast at 7:30am--bowl of All Bran Strawberry medley with skim milk, and a cup of tea
mid-morning snack 10:00am--2 pieces of toast with PB and honey and a cup of tea and glass of water (well 3rd glass of water for today)
lunch at 1:30pm--refried beans with cheese and taco sauce on a tortilla (x2), and water, then some whole wheat crackers with the remaining refried beans and cheese after everyone was done with lunch.
snack 3:15pm--bowl of corn flakes with skim milk and cup of tea

I'll write more later as I want to listen to the teleseminar call I missed before the boys wake up.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Day 13--post 2

Not a lot to write....

Dinner was fried chicken with boiled potatoes and green beans.

The this evening I had some tea.

Now I am going to bed, not an eventful day.  Enjoyed spending time with the boys, reading, playing games, and just spending some quaility time together....I love these days.

Day 12--a day of the munchies

The munchies are driving me crazy today, which is not good when you are trying to drop pounds.  i can not say that I have had much success in controlling the munchies.  It is a little after 4:00 as I write this.  Today (between 7:30am and now) I have had:

1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea

So I have been grazing all day.

I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people.  My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life.  She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere.  i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it...  No more motion, forward, backward, nothing. 

I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on.  And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT.  I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died..  AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit. 

Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money.  So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.

Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Day 12--sleep time approaches...

well, just a final cap off before I go to bed.

We had spaghetti (whole wheat) with canned sauce and shaky cheese (as J says) with bread and butter. 

I ate a few left over skittles while surfing the web (because they were sitting on the table next to me, another one of those "they were there" moments).  And I have had 2 cups of black tea.

Now I am going to bed and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...

Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!

Well, now everyone is sick.  I am not too bad just exhausted.  G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G).  By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped.  So I called the school and let them know he was not coming.  Then we turned around and headed home.  You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would?  Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.

So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash).  Anyway, we came home.  I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car.  I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent).  Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him. 

When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment.  I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses.  It would probably be easier on them.  He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money.  SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100).  Anyway, that is something A is thinking about.  I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing.  It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries?  Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door?  or will it be always a "see, you can take me back?  See we are great together?"  and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...).  So, well it is something to think about.  And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it".  Those are MY worries about the situation.  The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space.  All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games.  And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids.  It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this. 

Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00.  J's appetite is finally back.  I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water.  I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast. 

A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest.  I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day.  G has been playing Harry Potter.  My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy.  But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.

This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).

I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

day 11--a post before bed

LONG evening with A....too much to talk about but I do feel like I had really good self control and instead of getting defensive I just accepted that A feels what A feels, and our perceptions differ.  But it is late, I spent some time reading "damn you auto correct" which is one of the funniest sites on earth, so i use it for a solid belly laughing pick me up when I need it.

As for meals/food:

Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).

When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it. 

For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix).  With water and grape juice to drink.  It was a yummy  meal and I have some left overs   for lunch tomorrow. 

It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack.  And now I am off to bed...

Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?


(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))

Today has started off quite difficult.  I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school.  After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness).  He insisted that he waited to go to school.  I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday.  but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all.  So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too. 

So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go?  And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough.  And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go.  So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me?  we could watch movies and play games."  And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games.  As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate.  But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him.  Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc...  But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?]. 

I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself.  And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much.  This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to.  When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day. 

And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too"  To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling).  So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him).  Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before  I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....). 

It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state.  (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much.  My issue is the method and rational used  to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself).  And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games.  If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him". 

Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness.  Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH.  But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.

If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine.   But on the drive here A called first just to say hi.  I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay.  10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything." 
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking?  when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal." 
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....

Then another call, 10 more minutes later:

 A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot." 
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up." 
A:"no, its green snot" 
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"

A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be.  You are not the only one that would like to rest.  My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and  my sinuses are clogged and painful.  And I had a fever last night.  So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip.  But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day.  What good would that do?  I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work.  So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you  mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school.  its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?!  You don't NEED me, you've made that clear.  You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice  (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"

And I hung up.  I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is.  So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010.  To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event.  I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk.  I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap.  So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.

We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either.  It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single.  A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.

 But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with.  Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship.  I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell.  Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile.  I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends.  I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids.  but A can't see it.  A is not a bad person at all.  A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.

And I am understanding that.  This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream.  I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years.  I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate.  That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving.  So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith.  So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me. 

You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation.  If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work?  Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.

I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus.  And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)).  By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed.  Oddly, I do feel better, calmer,  Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better.  It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much.  The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing.  I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life.  Now I think I can get down to doing some work....

Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 10--It's only Wednesday, but i'm beat

It feels like it should be Friday.  Why am I so tired this week.  Perhaps it is my awesome immune system fighting off whatever the germ is that has J laid up (though he has done well today, rested a lot and still has a cough, butno fever, so  I think he is ready to go back to school tomorrow).  G though fell asleep AT SCHOOL for like an hour today.  He has not shown signs of a cough or fever, but that is very odd of him, especially since he got a good nights sleep last night.  He was looking mighty pale this evening--usually his skin tone is a light tan color, but tonight he was whiter than A is (and A is very pale Irish). So I asked A to come by in the morning again in case G needs to stay home, as I will be taking J to school tomorrow. Anyway, I have had a mild cough for about 5 days now, but no fever.  So my body has been successfully fighting whatever it is.  I think that is why I am so tired...

 Anyway, my meals after getting home.  Lets see. I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk for a mid afternoon snack.  For dinner we had the corned beef, cabbage, and potato dinner that I had planned on cooking last week that never panned out.  So I had corned beef, cabbage (lots of cabbage, I love cabbage), and potatoes with a large glass of water.  And right now I am eating an evening snack of a 1/2 bowl of raisin bran with milk.

I will have more water before I go to bed, but thats it, I am done.  Maybe I'll make a cup of herbal tea and watch a movie, it has been a long time since I watched a movie....  Sleep well all.

Day 10--reaching a new level of healing

I have been listening to a variety of philosophical and spiritual teaching lately on healing.  While one of my goals is to lose weight, it is more of a sub-goal to the much larger goal of becoming healthy.  And not just physically healthy, but spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, financially healthy, and socially healthy.  There are so many aspects to the human life, and being healthy in all areas is truly the primary state I want my being to be in.  So I was listening to someone I had never heard of before, named Jennifer McLean (I think that is how you spell it), and her work on body dialoging was very freeing, as it focuses in a meditative state on your body and helps you work through an area where you feel tense or stuck due to various issues from the past and present.  It really was quite an eye-opening experience in how I view certain people in my life and how I can change my attitude and forgive myself for the things that I have done that have contributed to the bad situations in my life.

Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time.  J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday.  A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active.  I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup. 

Okay, before I have to get  going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).

For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well.  See you later...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Day 9--Night is slipping by and so is my wakefulness

Okay, so tonight I am just going to mention what I ate, as that has been my promise to myself, and it is a promise I intend to honor.  Usually I like to write more, because losing weight is not just about dropping pounds, it is about how you relate to your world, including food, and how your body uses it, in relation to your mental, emotional and spiritual states as well as your physical one.  If weight were truly just about calories in and calories out, no one would be fat, because they would only eat what their body told them it needed.  So, I blog about my life, my thoughts and my feelings.  Usually.  Tonight, I just honor my promise and then go hit the sack as I just spent 4 hours writing a short (450-550 word) article on Little League starting again around the country.  Why it took me so long to find what I wanted and then write a coherent piece about it I will never know.  For an $11 article, it sure took a lot of time.  I hope I'm not coming down with whatever J and A have (A is sick too, was sent home from work early...).  A went to the health center as the boss required, and was told it was contagious viral bronchitis.  So, for J that means a lot of nebulizer treatments, rest, and fluids, and hopefully he will come through this without too much trouble.

Okay, so now I am rambling as usual--I already told breakfast thru lunch, so I will start with the afternoon.  I had Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt for a snack at 4:30pm, then we had ziti for dinner.  A had brought some Ginger Ale for J, so we all had a little with dinner (which I really should not do--its like drinking sugar).  J decided not to have his fruit roll up so I ate that after they went to bed (I really am trying to work on this "don't throw food away" mindset that was drilled into me as a child).  I also had some microwave popcorn, and then had a small piece of cake.  Why I had the cake I don't know, I was not hungry for it, I did not actually enjoy it, and I am puzzled over the unconcious way that I got a piece of cake and ate 3/4 of it.  When I search my brain, the only answer it gives me is "it was there".  So, yup, a victory, I found another deeply ingrained brain pattern that is stalling my ability to attain complete health.  So its time to write an EFT script and work on it.  I promise i will write an article introducing EFT soon, as I know I have referred to it often in the blog and some of you are like "what the heck is EFT?". I have it on my list of articles for the week, so stay tuned. 

Well, I am off to bed now.  Why the little league article consumed my evening I am not sure, though actually it maybe was because I was also listening to a broadcast of Healing with The Masters, which is going on every Tuesday and Thursday night from March 8-May 26.  I missed the actual broadcast but since I was signed up (for free) I have access to the taped version.  I was listening to James Redfield talk tonight (author of the Celestine Prophecy, which I first read over 15 years ago, and reread about 5 years ago--GREAT book).  If you are interested, check it out at

Too much of an attempt to multitask I presume.  No more audio programs when writing articles.  Multitasking is one thing, but being mindful is often necessary as well, and writing about little league while listening to a spiritually enhancing audio file do not mesh well.  Multitasking is best when done with similar tasks....

Day 9--A day at home

Well, I am having one of those rare days at home.  J is sick, he has a fever around 101.4 and his cough is not good, so he got his inhaler earlier when he woke up at 6:30 (or rather when I woke him up to get ready for school and discovered his cold turned into something more), and he had some juice and went back to sleep.  My mother was roused from her bed this morning to come stay with J while I took G to school.  I was back in time for her to only be a few minutes late for work.  I would have had A come over, as J is A's son too, but alas my father's phone is shut off right now, so there was no way to reach A (boy do I miss living in an area where cell phones actually work at times like these).  Anyway, J is still sleeping.  I just replaced a cup of watered juice next to him as he drank most of what I gave him earlier--rest and fluids are what's needed, right.  I think I will be keeping him home tomorrow, as the guidelines say he has to be fever free for 24 hours before returning, and also because fighting it seems to be taking all his energy, so he is going to need a day to recoup tomorrow.  I am to the doctor's at 2:00pm today.  Hopefully A will be here by them so one of us can go pick up G and the other can take J to the doctor, as the timing is bad. 

Anyway, So I am home.  I have been cleaning up the kitchen and working on some articles.  J did wake up while Iwas writing this and I have changed his clothes, given him a neb treatment and some more watered juice, and he is laying in bed watching a movie. 

I stopped at Stewart's after dropping G off at school this morning and grabbed a large coffee with half & half and a little sugar, an eggwich (egg, sausage, cheese on a hard roll), and a bottle of water, then headed home.  So kind of a heavier breakfast.  For lunch (as it is now after 12:00) I had a can of Light Beef PotRoast soup by Progresso with some crackers.  And a cup of water.

J is NOT going to the doctor.  A stopped in to get ready for work (long story, but A always gets ready for work here), and said they had changed the schedule and had to go in for 2pm instead of 3pm, and swapping days off from Tuesday to Thursday as they have someone else out.  So since I have leave at 1:45 to get G, there is no one to take J to the doctor.  I am not sure it would do any good, as I had been on the fence about it.  Most likely what he has is a virus, and there is nothing they can do to speed up recovery, especially since he has a normal level fever and his cough has not been around for long.  I just like to cover all my bases as with his CP and lung issues, sometimes illness works on his body differently than it does a typical kid.  But I also hate taking him to the doctors office as there are a lot of germs and other illness there that he can be exposed to, as the CP and CLD already lower his immunity, going in already sick, he is likely to pick up ANYTHING he contacts.  So it is probably for the best.  The nebulizer treatment helps so I am just trying to find someone to come sit with him while I go pick up G.  But if I have to bundle him up and put him in the car for a little ride, I think he will be okay.

Well, I should go, I have been intermittently working on this post for a few hours now, so it is time to publish it.  Oh, I just talked to my sister and her kids are both sick with what appears to be the flu.  At the place she works, many of the residents have come down with a Type A influenza (one not covered by this year's flu shot), and it has the same symptoms that her kids have and a number of other people in town have, and it sounds like what J has, so he may be out for a few days, as his cousin has had it since Friday and still has not gone back to school yet.


Monday, March 21, 2011

Day 8--fairly uneventful

So this day has been fairly uneventful, which has been nice.  After writing and such at the library I headed over to pick up J from school.  He has a bit of a cold and a dry cough, so I was a little worried about him--still am, as with his lung  issues a cold can sometimes turn into something worse quickly.  though this year we have been incredibly fortunate, as the couple of times I took him to the doctor, they said it was just a cold.  And he has recovered within a few days after that.  So hopefully it is just a little cold and with fluids and rest, he will be able to continue his daily routine and continue to get well.  His immune system seems to be getting stringer every year.  This is a blessing from God that I am truly thankful for.

For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas.  Oh, and a bottle of water.  I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.

Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library)  I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep.  I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect.  So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home.  And A was able to get to work on time.

The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere.  Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer.  But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out.  So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation.  I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here.  Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him.  Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it.  I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then. 

So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat.  But to no avail, not even a mew was heard.  So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it. 

Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet).  After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week.  So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel.  I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch.  His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole.  I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out.  He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in. 

the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually).  I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.

At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).

I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night.  We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy.  I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids.  J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it.  maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them.  But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future.  Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...

Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes.  This cold is kicking my butt...

A side note: Prayers for 2 kids who need families...

I could not figure out how to get the photo of Michael to upload to facebook, so I am going to do a blog post about both Micheal and Haven.  I have been assigned as their Prayer Warrior through Reece's Rainbow.  So I am committed to praying for them until they have a committed family.  Please join in in sending your prayers and your good will out to them and to potential families who may be a good match for them. 

Here is Michael D.:

He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage.  Please prayer that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution when he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable.  If he has a committed family before his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway.  He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm

And this is Haven, and her info from RR: 
"Girl, Born March 2006
Poor Haven……sweet little girl.   Such a pretty girl burdened with such medical and cognitive difficulties….and no mama to love her through them.
From her medical records:  celiac disease, CP, toxic Hepatitis, hypotrophy of III stage
From our team who visited there: Haven is afraid of strangers and would not interact with us :( "

I am not sure which country she is in, though most EE countries transfer to institutions at the age of 5.  It appears she is NOT in Russia, so even if she is transferred, it might still be possible for her to be adopted.  However, medical care at the institutions tend to be very poor, and often over 50% of kids transferred do not survive their first year.  With her medical issues, an institutional life will be a short one.  So pray that a family steps forward for her soon.

For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs.  It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families.  Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children.  It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website.  Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, not chance to become active, functioning members of society.  Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own.  By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves.  Of if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves.   There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it.  So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)).  And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for adults with special needs.  When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residence to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc...  They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect. 

Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group?  Why not focus on the USA?  Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted.  So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one).  The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible.  I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in  our own country.  But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.

Day 8--Beginning a second week of my new life... (6 pounds lighter)

Okay, so today is the first day of Spring.  I woke up as the sky was still gray (stupid time change, but that will change soon enough as its lighter earlier every day), and reminded myself that it is the first day of spring.  I went through a mental gratitude list in my shower, and then got the kids up, dressed and out the door.  And THEN realized we were running about 8 minutes behind the latest-we-can-leave-to-still-be-on-time cutoff.  AND it was snowing.  So listening to the radio on the way to school and there are winter weather advisories in effect until like 10pm.  So, it is a snowy, and yucky first day of Spring.  BUT I am grateful that it IS the first day of Spring.  For some reason this winter has just been enough for me (I usually don't mind winter too much, and actually enjoy it for a good while).

So, lets start off with the weekly weigh-in:
Here is last week's (the very first-March14, 2011) weigh-in at 305lbs:

And here is this week's (March 21, 2011) weigh in at 299lbs:

My camera appears to have messed up on this one, as I had to do it twice, and the second one I did for some reason is not readable to my computer.  SO I have put the bad one on as it is all I have.  I also have one still shot of the scale which  I am putting here, but is also is a bit hard to see (though the important amount is there...)Oh, and I am including a copy of the weekly newspaper (we don't have daily ones out in this rural area, ), so that you can see that the pics were taken at least around the time of the newspaper...however the cat tail/cat butt was not planned...he just chose that moment to have a snack--right in the middle of my shot.
So, 6 pounds down in the first week, and I had a lot of disorganized eating, and episodes of wanton gluttony, but as they say in many philosophies like the law of Attraction, Positive Thinking, Zen ideal, etc... Your MIND is the most important part of any change.  So, as I focus on increasing my health--mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then THAT is what must happen.  "What you think about you bring about." (from The Secret, though I don't recall the speakers name).

Okay, now onto today:  I drank 12 oz of water on the ride to dropping the kids off at school, then got a small (12oz) coffee at Stewart's with half & half and a little sugar.  I at a bowl (approx 1 cup (2 packets) of plain instant oatmeal and sprinkled in some dried cherries (less than 1/4 cup)--but no milk or sugar).  I also had a 6oz Raspberry Dannon Light & Fit yogurt.  And a bottle of water (which I took my herbal supplements with, except the approximate gram of cinnamon which I added to the oatmeal near the end (too much to be enjoyable through the whole bowl but, okay when concentrated into the last couple of bites, as I do use it for medicinal purposes...)

Side note:  I have figured out a way to heat water to at least luke-warm to make the oatmeal in the car--using a smaller plastic water bottle (16 oz store brand with thin walls), I wedge the bottle 1/2 of water between the defrost heater output and the windshield.  The hour long drive heats the water to a nice almost hot temperature, which I then pour over the instant oatmeal--and viola, warm oatmeal without having to pay $1.60 for a cup of hot water. I wonder if it will work for those little Campbell's Soup at Hand things, as they are about the same diameter, I'll have to try that.....

So YEAH 6 pounds down in 7 days (74 more to go to reach my first goal).  AND (ignoring the raging snow storm) it is the FIRST DAY OF SPRING.  Life is Good, Life is GOOD!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Day 7--the end of the day...

Okay so, lets top out the end of the first week of this adventure. 

After my 8:00am breakfast, I had another cup of tea.  At 10:30am I had a multigrain sandwich thin with PB and a dab of honey.  And another cup of tea, then some water. 

At 12:30 we had a lunch of left over ziti.  I had water with my lunch.

At 3:00pm I had a bowl of icecream, and some water.  Then  I had a small piece of leftover birthday cake. 

At 6:30, we had a dinner of a small amount of scrambled eggs, a sandwich thin toasted, and a bol of cornflakes with banana and milk (the kids had the eggs with wheat toast and mandarin oranges).

At 9:00, I had another bowl of corn flakes with peaches and milk.  And then a large cup of water.

So that rounds out my food journaling for the day.  I have to figure out how to upload a little video that shows my first weigh in from last week.  I will be taking another one tomorrow morning.  So I will have a record of weigh change...

I need some sleep now though.... goodnight all...

Day 7--It is a NEW day...

"Today is a new day.  I am starting over today."
I take that quote from one of the visualization tools from the secret (  During the week I usually try to focus myself each morning after getting the kids to school by using the visualization tools.  They are essentially visual affirmations to help focus thought and intention in a positive direction, to increase your feel good feelings and to help you begin your day in a better frame of mind. 

I was thinking about those two affirmations this morning.  Today IS a NEW day--it is fresh, it is the chance to start over again, to let go of what happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, or even 20 years ago.  It doesn't matter what has happened before, what has been done to you or what you have done that brings you shame.  Today, right now, you have the power to make choices--choices about how you are going to feel, choices about what you are going to focus your thoughts and energy on, choices about what actions you take.  Even if you are bedridden by disease, housebound due to infirmity or mental issues, incarcerated due to bad choices made on a different day;  Even if you are sitting there looking at a stack of debt, losing your house, and wondering how you are going to get back on your feet;  Even is you are enjoying a cup of coffee on a beautiful deck surrounded by a gorgeous view and a loving and stable family, and everything is going great in your life--- Today is a NEW day, a day  that you can choose, by changing your perspective (or keeping the good perspective you already have had) to focus on positive things in your life or about yourself.  A new day to start over and start walk TOWARDS what you want instead of spending so much time and energy focusing on what you do NOT want. 

So, as with the gift we are given every day--I am STARTING OVER today...starting over with my attitude, starting over with where I focus my energy, starting over with my relationship with my children, starting over with my relationship with money, starting over with my relationship with food, and starting over in my journey to a more healthy life--body, mind, and spirit.

So before I go to my gratitude journal (maybe I will do that as a blog at some point, but for now it is in a paper journal, there is a totally different experience in writing with pen and paper as opposed to typing), I will journal my eating habit today...

I have had one bowl of raisin bran with milk, and 2 cups of black tea.

I'll blog again after lunch....

Day 6--Weird day...

I can't go into all the weirdness of the day, but I wanted to make good on my promise to myself to publicly journal my eating.  So at nearly 12:30 at night (technically day 7, but reporting day 6)...

Breakfast--reheated coffee with half and half and 1 sugar around 8am
A's sister wanted to take us all out for breakfast, so I had coffee and the kids had a light breakfast of cereal as we were going to meet for breakfast between 9-10am

However they slept in and did not call until after 10:45am, so around 9:45 the kids and I had a banana each.
at 11:20am we met for brunch at the diner
I had 2 eggs over medium with 2 sausage patties and 2 pieces of rye toast with butter, and a cup of coffee and a glass of water.  I also shared some of A's home fries.

After brunch A's sister headed home for her 4 hour drive.  And we came back to my house.  A had to leave for work at 2:00, but got to hang out with the boys and play some video games.

I had a bowl of Kid's Peanut Butter Crunch (like generic capt crunch) with milk around 3:00pm, and the kids had a cereal snack as well (they seem to be addicted to dry cereal sometimes).  They also had some slim jim type snack sticks (the tiny ones) and I had a small portion of Ziti.

 Mom stopped by and we had coffee as well around 4:00pm.

Oddly we ate dinner late, around 7:00pm.  We had some of the ziti that was left over from last night and G ate some of the meatballs.  After dinner, the kids had peaches for their snack, and after they went to bed, I had a piece of left over birthday cake.

Then, instead of blogging or writing, or doing ANYTHING productive, I sat down to check out G's new video game--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  A's niece (adult) sent birthday gifts up with A's sister for G as it was his birthday last week.  So G had presents from his aunt and his 2 cousins (the lawyer and the doctor--pretty amazing family to have two young ladies (still in their 20's) already with high degrees, and a son in college studying prelaw--A's sister is amazing).

So one of the gifts G got was this new video game, and I like to play them ahead so that when the kids get stuck, Mom knows what to do.  most of their games are really simple s(as they are 4 and 8) so I don't really play them too much ahead, as I can figure them out as they go along if the kids get stuck.  But this one was a little more complex,so I wanted to get through a few levels.  Which is why from about 9:00pm until 12:30am I have been sucked into the game....

And now I am eating another bowl of cereal with milk, and have emptied almost 3/4 of a 2 liter bottle of seltzer water throughout the evening.  And I am exhausted and ready for bed.  I know, I actually have a rule about eating after like 9:00pm, but I broke that rule tonight.  It is definitely time for sleep, after I let the dog in so she does not turn into a doggie Popsicle.  I was so happy with the spring weather this past week.  It is now quite cold again and was spitting snow earlier.  however I have seen geese flying overhead, have had to dodge squirrels and chipmunks on the roads, and the dog has been finding a lot to bark at.  I believe that spring has officially and literally begun (and these last few cold blasts over the next month will just have to be tolerated...)

Happy Spring, and Good night...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Day 5--TGIF...

Thank God it's Friday!!! Overall it has been a good week, but the weekend is always a nice thing--no DRIVING!!!

this has beenan odd week to start this bolg, as I really have not done the things that I had planned on doing on a daily basis, like pre planning my meals, packing a lunch each day, walking every day, and various meditative and tapping techniques to help keep me focused in apositive direction towards the goals of making my life better.  But overall, I am finding that blogging is quite cathartic.  And the more I write, the more free I feel.  As I am trying to really build up an income as a freelance writer, doing the blog has helped unclog some writers block that I have had going on for a while. 
Okay, so it's Saturday mornig and I never got back to finish yesterday's post.  It was a whirl wind of a day with A's birthday party.  50 years old, the start of a new era for A. 

I am not goign to write what I ate because frankly, I can not remember everything... I don't remember what I did for breakfast, I ate lunch in the car on the run (so probably almods and a cheese snack).  Dinner was a baked ziti, salad, and garlic bread, followed by chocolate cake with purple icing.  but what quantities and such for the dinner (I had one fairly large pice of cake) I did not actually pay attention to.  There was also some tortilla chips and bean dip inthere somewhere.  And soem coffee and seltzer (not together).

Anyway, it was a crazy day with a crazy eating pattern.  And I will blog again later, as we are meeting A and A's sister for brunch ina few minutes before A's sister has to head home....

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Day 4--When you want to pull your hair out, but would rather not be bald...

So yeah...the mess from last night was still waiting for me when I woke up.  No little fairy gnomes had come in and scrubbed the house while I slept.  You'd think at least the cats and dog would pitch in once in while....but alas they do not appreciate me (throws head back indignantly)

So got the kids to schools, and headed BACK home (I look forward to when  school isn't over 50 miles away).  I did not bring my breakfast with me, which was a dangerous oversight as I really need to eat by 9am, and when I am hungry I am not good with temptation.  I stopped at McDonald's on the way and got a sausage mcmuffin with egg, hash brown, and small orange juice.  I went to the bank on the way home and got quarters for laundry, then stopped at the old trailer, where a lot of my stuff is still stored.  And climbed a good 8 foot snowbank and trudged through thigh deep snow (took nearly 10 minutes to get to the door, and without snow it is only about 15-20 steps from where I parked to the door) to get in and retrieve my bigger vacuum cleaner, which I have been meaning to get but my little one has been fine, but has no beater bar.  With the sand making the living room feel like a beach, I figured I'd need to beater bar.    So after climbing back across the deep snow and huge snowbank, I went home.

First I threw in a load of towels in the washer.  When you have to dry off with a little hand towel (especially when you are as big as me) you REALLY need to wash some towels.  So, I got those going and then started in on cleaning up the kitchen (dishes, counters, stove).  I swept the floor and then straightened up the living room.  Then came the fun part. 

The big vacuum has been sitting alone in the trailer for 8 months with no heat or power or anything.  It was NOT emptied prior to our leaving (leaving was a LONG story, as is why so much of my stuff, stuff that I actually use) is over there still).  So first I emptied it, and was surprised by how much dog hair was in it.  Well, the other dog (we used to have two but when I left A I found a good home for the big one and took the little one with me as A wanted her, but alas has not been able to take her).  Anyway after that, I tried to get the beater bar to turn, but it would not budge.  So I spent time with WD40 and got it to turn again, but it was sticking at one end.  I got part of the floor vacuumed and she stopped spinning again.  So I again took it apart, and unstuck the one side again.  And round and round we went, the vacuum and I, until I finally gave up and got out the little vacuum.  I think I got most of the really sandy spot with the big vac before giving up, but I really want to use the big one just to get a deeper vacuuming done.  I will have to order a new beater bar, again.  This will be the second beater bar for this vacuum in the last 7 years (it was bought used).  The end of the bar actually melts and then shatters apart on the inside.  You can still hodge podge it to make it work, but it takes frequent resetting to get it to work.

So, by the time I finished tinkering with the vacuum and then finishing the living room, it was time to leave and get the kids.  I had a cup of mac and cheese (not box) for lunch, and snacked on a handful of almonds and a cheese stick on the drive, along with a bottle of water. 

Both boys had a good day at school, and it was an easy ride home, aside from the fact that one of Josiah's braces is hurting him.  I need to get back to the ortho so we can get the brace adjusted a bit.  So I did have to stop on the way and take off his braces to give him some relief.

When we got back, I switched the laundry ( I can never seem to keep up with it).  Then I tried talking with the boys about what went on last night (why they didn't eat dinner, why they trashed the house, why they did not go to bed when it was bed time, etc...)  I am still just blown away by how out of control they were last night, that is usually not like them.  J at least had some answers, not good ones, but at least could give me some reasons for his behavior, but over all his behavior was not that bad.  It was G that emptied the book shelf and pummeled the guitar with the videos, and G that dumped bags of sand all over the house.  It would be different if he had been doing sand art and gotten it everywhere, but he was not doing art, he was literally opening the bags and flipping them in the air multiple times.  there was sand on top of the TV, all over the couch and chair, on top of all the shelves, probably in the fish tank even.  G has a tendency to destroy things for the sake of destroying them.  I have yet to find a plausible explanation for some of the times when he has completely destroyed a toy or a game (ripping cards in half, pealing all of the decals off the game boards, smashing his Nintendo control on the floor until it fell apart (we went through 3 before I started making him discard his own destroyed toys and did not replace them (but Santa did bring more controllers one year).  Anyway, I was trying to work through what had actually happened, like where Grandpa was and what he was doing while G was destroying the house, and why G did not go to bed at 8:00 when he knows the routine, or why he refused to eat dinner....

And G kept giving me the run around (he does have trouble answering questions in anything like a way that makes sense, but usually I can piece what he says together and get a good sense of what happened and why he made the choices he did.  But after 45 minutes of G's circles round and round the issue, I was ready to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street, but instead I told him to just go play in his room and I went out to fold laundry in the living room--twitch, twitch, twitch.....

So, I am just trying to let go of last night, and move on.  It just gets under my skin when there is senseless destruction, especially of a project that could have been a lot of fun to do together.  So now I just made a frozen pepperoni Pizza and rinsed off some grapes.  Not a stellar dinner for the kids and I but it works.  This has been an exhausting week for some reason. 

Tomorrow is A's birthday and while we are no longer a couple, no one else was planning anything for A and turning 50 is a big deal. Most woman I know over 50 tell me that 50 is like a new start to life, life begins anew at 50.  I will trust them on that as I am a mere 36, so it will be a while before I know if that is my own experience. But 50 is an important time, so a party is always in order. So I invited most of my family and A's family to come to dinner tomorrow night.  I have to bake a cake to night and J has an appointment tomorrow, but if A can pick up G from school it should all work out.  I just have to make sure I have everything ready tonight, so I can just cook it tomorrow, and have my mom, and step dad, my father, my brother, one of my sisters and her two kids, myself and the kids, A's sister is going to come out for the night (she lives 5 hours away), and me--so that's 12 people in my little house (less than we had for G's b-day last week when we had the family party as my other sister with her 4 kids is not coming).  So 12 people, a small corned beef and cabbage with a baked Ziti to supplement so that everyone gets enough to eat (I couldn't afford a corned beef big enough to really feed that many people, hence the ziti).  As A is Irish and today is St. Patrick's Day, I figured that as long as everyone can have a little bit of the traditional Irish meal, everyone would be happy.    But I do have to bake a cake and decorate it tonight, and I want to clean the bathroom and fold all the clean laundry before I go to bed too.  So it is going to be yet another late night. 

Well, I need to get the kids in the bath, so I am signing off for the night (unless I decide to hop on later, which well, you never do know right?  Blogging is fun, i wonder if anyone is actually reading it....I need to get one of those little ticket things that tracks page views.  G-night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bites (nasty that they have made a come back isn't it...)