Where to begin...

Well, for starters, my ex-spouse and now friend A has finally moved into an apartment and out of my father's house.  A is renting a nice 2 bedroom in town and my brother and his friend helped move (well moved not just helped) all of A's furniture out of my father's house and out of the old trailer (where it has been stored with a bunch of my stuff too) and got it into the new apartment.   So while unpacking and setting things up needs to happen, A is officially self-supporting.  A also, thankfully, was given more hours at work and so should be able to afford to keep this apartment.  It is beautiful, a big kitchen dining room combo, a medium sized living room, a nice sized bedroom for A, and a little bedroom for the boys for when they spend the night.  I have taken the boys over every evening since Tuesday to help A feel settled in (the couch from the landlord was already there and I took the boys TV out of their bedroom and took it over as A's place comes with everything included--heat, electric, hot water, cable, and wifi.  I am hoping that the boys will enjoy being able to has 1-on-1 time with their other parent.  Hopefully we can nail down a consistent schedule so the boys always know that they can count on having specific time with their Bubba. 

I have also signed a rental deal with the owners of the old laundromat, and will be converting it to a single family residence and running a family daycare from there.  It is a big building with a good, level yard.  I am nervous about it, as it is quite an investment.  If all goes well, after 3 years they will hold the mortgage and I will buy the property.  I will fill in details about this as time goes on.  Suffice to say that between doing all the trainings and paperwork for the child care licensing, and now getting all the permits and doing the renovations for the house/day care, I am going to be one busy lady.  it is good though.  I am ready for a project that challenges in me different way than I am challenged by raising children with special needs.

I'll update some on how Josiah's struggles with Kindergarten are going. I will also be updating on how I am expanding my use of the Nurtured Heart Approach in trying to help both of my boys have more security and self control so that they can function better and enjoy life more.  If you look into it, I have read the book multiple times as I have been trying to prepare myself to use this approach to parenting.  I did not want to do it halfway.  I am at step five, the credit system.  We started using it today, and we had a day wonderfully free of major arguments, fights between the boys, bad language, and tantrums.  Josiah only had one episode of "freaking out" as he calls it, and it was short and resolved quickly. Gonzo only had one round of insane, incessant whining and arguing and it was not at me or his brother, at the video game he had chosen to spend his credits to play. The extreme positive affirmation aspect is something we have been building up to, and using a clear, unemotional consequence for broken rules seems like it is going to work.  I have a bit of tweaking to do to the system, as it is very flexible and can be used by anyone in any situation, I just have to find the right balance that works for us.  But so far, it appears by the calm and happy evening I had with the boys, that once we adjust to this system, life may be a whole lot more peaceful, and our relationships with each other and hopefully with extended family, school, and community will drastically improve in quality.  It is a challenge to essentially toss out traditional (and not so traditional) parenting models and advice, but those have not had much effect on the family dynamic with intense and difficult children who have gone through intense and difficult times over the past few years.  It was time to try a drastically different approach (which has elements of other models and ideas that we have worked with in the past, but applied more intensely), and if the first day was any indication, if I do this right and consistently my children will feel more empowered, more in control of themselves, and have more respect for others, while building them up rather than tearing them down, which most parenting models essentially do (though I had not really realized that before I started exploring this method).  Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us that by fully embracing the Nurtured Heart Approach to parenting difficult children, that like, for all of us will improve.  It is amazing how hard it is to train yourself to give positive affirmation rather than negative feedback when it comes to behavior.  Like most of our culture, I had been programed to try to give attention and specific examples to behavior that was not correct more intensely than giving praise and affirmation and specific recongition to behavior that was correct.

Exhaustion, confusion, and just trying to find a path....

SOOOO......................

It has been one of those weeks, where I try to stay positive, and try to look forward to a better tomorrow, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it is hard to stay on that narrow way this week.

I am tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--just...tired. 

This month has not gone at ALL the way I had anticipated when the month began....

I was so excited about Josiah starting Kindergarten and being in with mainstream peers...and it has been a nightmare--not that he is not trying but that the expectations of him to be able to just jump right into the mainstream classroom knowing exactly what to do and how to behave, in with kids who spent all of last yer together in that school in pre-k, preparing for this year when he was in a different school, different setting, and not preparing specifically for this classroom all last year, well, lets just say I believe a teacher has not grown nearly as much as she thinks she has over the past 20 years.  It is still the need to have children who fit only into the round holes that match the pre-set curriculum, and all other children just do not belong.  Not that she has said that, but even in a meeting today, as nice and open minded as she was trying to be (and I DO believe she IS trying) it is obvious that she just struggles greatly with any child who does not quickly fall into the little round hole so that the class can go as she wants it. Up until today I was leaning more towards the idea that it is old crap (which I mentioned in an earlier post though did not go into specifics) that had made me nervous for him to be in this particular classroom.  But after today, it is becoming clearer that it's not all me.  On the whole the school personnel are working VERY hard to try to understand Josiah and the web of his issues (there was yet another comment about how she understand his physical issues completely--which to me shows how much of an uphill battle this is going to be as he is a whole person and his physical issues directly and indirectly impact his behavioral issues, so if you can't open your mind enough to see that the two are related, then NO you do NOT understand his physical issues completely!)

Maybe it was a mistake to stay here.  Maybe it was a mistake to try to mainstream Josiah in Kindergarten--academically he is totally getting the work they are doing--reading sight words, understanding basic concepts, knowing his letters and numbers and the sounds the letters make.  But they have focused so much on writing, and he can NOT write anywhere near to the degree that the other kids can--and it is NOT for lack of trying.  He tries so hard at home to write, and we do hand over hand, and he WANTS to write, but his CP and the very delayed gross and fine motor development that is required for writing creates a huge obstacle for him.  I have spent so much time over the past three weeks analyzing, studying and trying to figure out how best to help Josiah and to give suggestions on what they can do to help him adjust that I feel like my brain is going to explode, if my heart does not first.  Yes his behavior is way over the top, much worse than I ever expected--so either I totally was not paying attention to what Prospect told me (though they were completely confident that he would shine in a mainstream environment if he had a 1:1 aide to support him (both for physical and behavioral stuff), so I don't think I missed anything), or Prospect completely downplayed or did not consider his behaviors to be so over the top, aside from the three that are addressed in the IEP.  OR, that the classroom spent so much time focusing only on his physical issues, that they completely neglected to consider his behavioral issues and how to deal with them at a level that he is able to comprehend and manage.  Square peg----round hole-----square peg-----round hole

"behavior is not my strong point..."  said by the Spec Ed teacher whom I love and who has always been good with the people that I love that are behaviorally challenged--she worked well with my brother, my nephew, and my older son Gonzo.  And yet for some reason Josiah...who has always been far easier to deal with than any of the other three boys I mentioned, has challenged her.  I just do not understand what is going on with him, what a night mare this is turning into....

I have also been trying to find a larger place to live, preferable a single family house, and there is just SOOOO little around here for rent.  With the refund check I finally got, I thought it would be such a great thing to pay off some bills and then set myself up with living expenses paid for a few months while I build up either my babysitting or my writing into an income that can take over when the refund cushion is depleted.  But I am just running into walls.  The couple of places I have found that  would allow the kids to have separate bedrooms (more on another day on why that is becoming a necessity more than a want) do not want me to be doing childcare, even when I assured them that I would be buying renters insurance and a liability insurance that covers childcare providers.  Then I have to wonder, if they don ot want me to be caring for 3-4 children during the day, why would they rent to someone who has two kids of their own.  It's not like there are going to be 20 kids there or anything.  So I have one more feeler out there about a house that is technically for sale, but has been empty and on the market for over 2 years, and maybe they will be interested in renting it to me.  So it is kind of a cold call, but we will see.

However if things do not start turning around for Josiah soon, if he does not get a handle on how he expresses his frustration and get some self control and start following the rules more, I am thinking we may not be living here all that much longer anyway.  I won't move Gonzo from his school program at this point though, so unless I can be assured that he would be able to stay in the program he is in, I do not know how we could move even if they move Josiah to a different program.  But it does not make sense to stay if neither of my children can attend the local school.  I may be jumping the gun, but frankly, I was blindsided by all these problems, and they are so reminiscent of Gonzo's steps into Kindergarten, where in the end we got a call from someone we knew who was subbing there who witness him being mistreated, and later confirmed that from other people who worked there, but NO ONE would come forward against that teacher when we asked if we could put their name a the source of the information.  So we had to file a lame report with the school about what we were told, and took G out to home school him the rest of Kindergarten.  I do NOT want Josiah going through anything like Gonzo did, and while I know we are in a totally different setting, totally different region, and totally different set of circumstances, I still feel a bit gun shy.  I am beginning to hate kindergarten for kids with special needs.  Even the second time around, it is still such a shock to go from a preschool where the child is cherished and their education was more individual in nature to the grand demon of public school where the individual is not cherished or upheld, and everyone has to be crammed into very specific parameters.  Not all teachers are like that, I have met and am friends with many who are not like that, but alas none of them live anywhere close to here.  And given how Josiah has been acting, I doubt they would find him much of a  picnic in their classrooms. 

Honestly, underneath all of this other stuff that I write about, I feel helpless. To the point that my insomnia is making a comeback and I find myself close to tears way more often that I ever let anyone know. I hate feeling helpless--and it comes out as anger and incredulity, frustration and God knows what else, but deep down, the real problem for me is that I see my child struggling, in a sea of strangers who he does not know or trust and who do not know or like him, and there is nothing that I can really do about it.  I can talk until i am blue in the face, give suggestions and pointers and try to understand what they are going through and try to help them understand what he might be going through....but in the end all I feel is helpless, unable to give my son the great and wonderful experience that Kindergarten is supposed to be.  I don't know what to do...I don't know what the right thing to do is....I don't know what path I am on, what path I have set my children on, and I feel so incredibly alone....

Forming habits....breaking habits

Well, so....

My son says that all the time "well, so...."  and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from.  Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it.  I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it.  I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else.  It is just something that I say unconsciously.  Funny the way the mind works....

Anyway, SO....Habits!

Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives.  Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit.  That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day.  Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns.  From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.

According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "

According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."


Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.

So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc...  And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions.  If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last.  For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months.  Well that is a great accomplishment.  But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking.  It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful.  You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later.  I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.

I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits.  They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action.  I believe that it is possible that both of these are true.  There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you.  I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you.  It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it.  It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that.  The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.

So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie.  Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit.  So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning.  This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.

The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts.  What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes. 

So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today."  Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!"  and it is a sense of wondering and joy.  More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?" 

Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in.  Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action.  For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real. 

I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now.  And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true.  There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later.  Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime.  And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job).  So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation.  Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival.  Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do.  So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light.  He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.

It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with.  It was not even leaving my job that created it.  It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
 having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives.  BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits.  If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different.  If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered.  If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have  occurred.  If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different.  IF......if.......if.......

But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you  handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)

My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been.  Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat.  It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us.  our habits create our habitat.  To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....

It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to.  Transformation appears to be a slow process....

seeking for calm...

So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault.  As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen.  It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith.  It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness.   But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery. 

Hopefully things have calmed down some today.  I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation.  It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?). 

Stress increases my desire to eat.  Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream).  So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good.  BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280.  Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.

The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us.  This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school.  Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright.  Gonzo has too.  So for this I am grateful.  I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions.  And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too.  I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see.  So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like

"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry.  Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been.  We still both love you and we are still both here for you.  And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can.  So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy.  Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now.  And things will get better very soon."

Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but  I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard).  But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.

Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend.  I'll probably write again on Monday.  Have a great weekend.

life in Transition for sure

Okay, so I have not written much in the past week.  It has been an interesting one.  I had a dr's appointment on Friday to go over blood work that I had done over a week before that.  And the results nearly knocked me on the floor.

My A1c results (the test that gives an average of your blood sugar levels over the past three months by measuring the percentage of glycalation of your hemoglobin (how much glucose is attached to the hemoglobin)) were extremely high.  11.2% to be exact.  Normal is around 5-6%, typical for someone with diabetes is around 7%, high is 8-9%.  That correlates to a blood sugar reading of around 310 on average over the last 3 months, and my fasting sugar that day was 279 (normal is fasting is below 100, normal random throughout the day is below 140, diabetics should aim for below 180).  overly high blood sugar is over 240, and levels over 300 are considered very dangerous.  So I have been walking around with my blood sugar levels in the extremely high and dangerous range for a while, and I did not even know it.  The last time I had an A1c and other blood work, my A1c was 7.1% and everything else was fine other than slightly elevated triglycerides.  that was in February 2010.

Since that time my marriage had fallen apart, I walked away from a great opportunity in Rhode Island due to the afore mentioned collapse of the family, I have moved into an apartment and taken a job that I drive over 100 every day 5 days a week (for over a year, though only 3 weeks left until it is over with), I have gone through the custody process in the courts and have physical custody of my kids (with shared legal custody), I have allowed A (even though we are separated) back into our lives on a daily basis, and have been rebuilding a friendship (though not without a lot of difficulty and baggage), and I have been trying to make plans for the future with a lot of uncertainty.  So some parts of my life are less stressful (my marriage was extremely stressful and the ending of that brought different stresses, but overall less stress) and some parts are more stressful (the fact that my primary source of income ends in a couple of weeks and the fact that I do not know where my relationship with A is going at this point in time--in the past week it has been a lot of ups and downs and trying to figure out if we can or even should try to put the family together again).  I have been trying to get enough money incoming through freelance writing and through ads for things that I recommend on both my blog and my website, but I am not a sales person and don't want to be, so I post links to things I like and hope that others will click those links and bring in a few pennies for me.  Literally, I have made $0.02 total through the ads that I share for things that I think my readers would like.  So, as I have no desire to try to push people to look at things that they are not inclined to look at on their own, I don't think I will supplement my income much by my website or blog.  Which is fine, I will still post links to cool things and books that I like and think others are interested in, but I know that I can not depend on it for any supplementing of my income. I have applied for a number of jobs, but they have not panned out so far.  And taking a low paying job is not a viable option as I would have to pay out more in childcare costs than I could bring in, even if I broke even it would not change the situation.  Having two children with moderate to severe special needs, means that I can not hire the high school kid down the street or even most adults to watch them.  As it is, even family struggles to watch both of them together for short periods of time.  Heck, even A struggles to have both of them alone for more than a couple of hours at a time.  Because their needs are so different and both are intensive (I forget sometimes because I am just used to them), and because the sibling rivalry between them adds whole other layer of intensity, the best solutions would be to hire two different sitters, one trained to meet each other this needs, and possibly have one cared for at home and the other cared for at the sitters home.  As J is an insurance liability (which I learned the last time I tried to work full time and put him in a day care center) finding care for him is very hard, and G has massive behavioural issues with peers which make it difficult for him to be in a group setting (hence the fact that he is in an 8:1:2 self-contained classroom and still needs a 1:1 aide just to go to school (8 kids, one teacher, two aides 8:1:2) and free time (unstructured without clear instructions for what he should do--like recess and lunch) are his hardest times of all.  It makes me miss Becky, our favorite babysitter from when we lived in our house.  She was a Masters student a the college, studying special ed--focusing a lot on autism and she herself had cerebral palsy--so she understood and knew how to handle both boys very well.  But alas she graduated and is a great teacher in an autism classroom now about 2 1/2 hours away (from here and from our old house), and we left our old house to renters (who paid one month rent and then lived rent free for over 6 months before I was able to evict them, and they trashed the house in the process, knowing that if they did not pays rent we could not pay the mortgage, and by trashing it, made it impossible to rent to someone else was we did not have the funds to repair the extent of damage they did--so it is in foreclosure proceedings sadly). 

Anyway, back to my lab results.  Stress is one of the primary causes leading to high blood sugar.  Being overweight puts a great deal of stress on the body, and them adding emotional and financial stress, pushed the body beyond what it can handle.  So as the past few years have been fraught with high, high levels of stress, and the past year in particular has been stressful.  Coupled with being overweight since my teens and not watching what I eat or exercising enough when things get stressful (being a stress eater--the more stressed I am the more I eat...) well, it has not boded well for my health.  So I as mentioned before, I watched that movie "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" recently and felt inspired to get more fresh vegetable food into my diet, and have started drinking green smoothies.  As a diabetic I can not do the juicing.  Maybe once my blood sugar levels are normal, then I plan on doing a juice fast as portrayed, but until them, I can still do the smoothies and add lots of nutritious vegetables to my body in a drinkable way.  But when I saw it originally, I could identify with the FAT part of the title, but the sick and nearly dead parts of the title I just wasn't feeling.  However when I got my blood test results:
A1c 11.2%
Cholesterol 218 (a little high, but as I have NEVER had cholesterol issues it is shocking to me)
LDL-144 (too high)
HDL-40 (too low)
Triglycerides 184 (too high)
and 2 of my liver enzymes were just slightly past the top of the high range.
My blood pressure, heart rate, and all my kidney and other tests were fine.

When I saw the results, I suddenly identified with the WHOLE title of that Movie.  Thought, Oh my gosh, now I know what it feels like to feel "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (well okay that one is an exaggeration, but I could actually see the path leading to that, which is as far as I want to go).

So, I was more than willing to go on pharmaceuticals in addition to making some immediate changes in my lifestyle and eating.  So on Saturday I started on Metformin 500mg 2x daily, and enapril once a day (to protect the kidneys as with that much sugar running through them can cause a lot of damage).  I began tracking my foods in Spark People again.  And am taking my blood sugar readings twice a day.  The big thing is getting it below 300 and keeping it below 300 (that is step one, getting it below 240 is step two, and then getting it below 200 is step three, after that pushing it down to normal ranges is the ultimate goal, but transitions--quick transitions as this is what I consider an emergency situation). I was told not to check my fasting sugar as we already know it is really high.  What I need to do it to check my sugar 1-2 hours after a meal and keep track of what pushes my sugar up and what brings it down, as each person is different, and your body reacts differently at different time of day, so over the next three months, I need to closely record my food intake, glucose levels, and activities to determine what food I can have when and what ones I need to avoid and when. I have my basic dietary guidelines from the diabetes educator, and my doctor told me to try eating a healthy cereal with milk in the morning rather than my typical sausage eggs and cheese sandwich.  I forgot to check my levels Saturday. 

Sunday I had a bowl of Special K cereal with milk.  Two hours later I checked my sugar and it was 380!!!!.  For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on WW bread.  For a snack I had a green smoothie. For dinner we had a hamburger cooked on the grill (with a WW bun), some vegetarian baked beans, a couple of chips (I know I should not have), and a hot dog (no bun).  I went for a nearly two hour hike around my Dad's property, with my Dad, A, Gonz, and Jos (mainly carried Jos either on my shoulders or just a front carry (he can't do a side carry on the hip as his hips do not open far enough).  We were looking for a place for me to build a lean-to, which the building guy at the town clerks office said I did not need a permit for and told me the zoning distances I needed to stay within.  I want a nice camping place for me and the kids that we can tailor to Josiah's physical needs and to Gonzo's need for clear boundaries.  As much as we loved going down to Garnet Lake and tent camping, there were some things (like massive hills and very uneven rocky paths to get to the camp site, not to mention a road between the campsite and the lake) that made it difficult for us.  So we got quite a bit of exercise that day.

I did not get around to checking my blood sugar again until late evening and it was still at 345.  So I had two hard boiled eggs as a snack (high protein no carbs) and started to look for ways to quickly lower blood sugar, and did some of the water drinking and breathing exercises (breathing helps relax your body which reduces stress and thus allows blood sugar to function more normally).  Before I went to bed 45 minutes later, my sugar was down to 295--yeah breathing and water.  So Monday, having learned that too many carbs for breakfast was a BAD thing for my body, I ate sausage, egg , and cheese but only used the thin half of an english muffin, and had coffee with just cream, no sugar or sweetener, and just water.  Then I went for my 45 minute walk around the pond.  When I got to the library, I checked my blood sugar (1.5 hours after finishing breakfast) and it was 193!!!  A HUGE drop.  Protein works for me in the morning.  I had sliced turkey for lunch (no bread) and a grapefruit. For snack after school I had bought a coconut as Josiah has been wanting a coconut for some reason, so we had a coconut for snack.  IT was from a discount food place, and old, and not as tasty as I remember fresh coconut being.  So not a good intro for him to fresh coconut that we had to break the shell to get.  But that was my snack.  Dinner was a stir fry with broccoli, cabbage, yellow squash, carrots, celery, onion, garlic, and black beans with spices and vinegar.  Then I did a boo-boo, I ate a piece of Digorno's pizza that A had picked up for the kids.  I really should not have as it pushed my carbs over what they were supposed to be for the day.  When I took my sugar after dinner though it was 262, so not great but under the 300 mark that I am aiming for this week.

Last night was an interesting night with A, which I will not go into on here, but it definitely added a lot for me to think about, that of course adds stress.  A part of me would love for our family to be together again, and I really would love to try and have a biological baby and go through pregnancy and care for a baby right from conception.  I love my kids, and always planned on having three kids total.  So it was always part of the plan, it was just that adoption ended up being the first path we took, as there are so many kids waiting for families.  But I still want to have one child from my own body.  Which with the fact that I am almost 37, am still very overweight (thus greatly increasing chance of miscarriage), and now with my sugar issues--makes that possibility even lower.  Add in the broken family and the idea that A and I might NOT be able to reform a family, well, it is a hard thing to let go of.  I know that our relationship has not been healthy, and that A is not that much different now than 3 years ago, which is when A had picked up the bottle again, and has not put it down.  I actually had a couple of drinks with A for the first time over the past week--Mike' Hard Lemonade.  That was nice, but weird.  As I don't drink often, but every once in a while will have a glass of while or a margarita, or a Mike's Lemonade (seems popular in my family these days), I have never had a drink with A.  A was in recovery when we met, and one of the things we did was no alcohol in the house.  I had no problem with that as a six pack of my favorite beer (I am very picky, as gross beer is just, well, gross) would take me a year to drink.  I know that from a time before A when my best friend had brought me a six pack of my favorite beer (which I had trouble finding when I moved from that area) and it was nearly a year later when I had the last one with my brother in law.  So, yeah, having a drink with A was weird, as for so long A tried to hide (unsuccessfully) the relapse in 2008, and then after my mother in law died, just crawled back into the bottle in 2009, and then after detox, and when I thought we were moving forward went back into the lying and hiding mode of drinking in 2010, which was when I decided I couldn't live that way any longer (lots more went on of course, but that is a bit of a nutshell pertinent to todays post, see a much earlier post for more explanation (from mid-March)). Lately A has been more moderate in drinking, a few beers a day or so.  And behaving mostly.  So when offered a Mike's I said Okay.  but that actually, after typing it all out, really is a side bar that does not have much to do with what I was talking about, so I suppose I did not need to include it.  I'll leave it anyway.

Point is, no matter how stressful life is, I need to make changes NOW to ensure a better future.  More than ever before, I know I need to make some major changes, one of which has got to be in my eating/exercise habits.  The other biggie has got to be in my levels of stress.  Perhaps, after really realizing last night that while I love A, A is the other parent of my children, I am not IN LOVE with A, at all.  I have said it for a while, but a part of me always just thought that I was still in love, that that spark was still there somewhere, that it was something that maybe could be rekindled and we could overcome all of the crap that has happened over the past few years.  But the spark has gone out, and that actually makes me quite sad.  And it's not like A's behavior and daily living has altered in a away that makes me want to try to light a new spark.  There has been little transformation on that end, and I want a partner not another child, but with A I feel like I have another child rather than an equal adult partner in my life.  And that has not changed.  Most of the things that I did not like about A are still there, and only a few of the things that I fell in love with in the first place have survived the events of the past few years.  Sure, maybe someday A will turn around, maybe someday the person I met will return, or a transformed person will emerge.  But maybe not.  It took my mother over 10 years to really recover from the death of her mother (and her daughter, grandmother and father--all in a 5 year period).  And as my father says, when you lose a parent or a child, or anyone you love, you don't get over it.  It leaves a hole in your heart.  You just have to learn how to live with that hole.  It is what I have called finding a new normal.  Anytime there is a major life event (birth/adoption, death, loss of job, new job, moving, etc...) it takes time to find a new normal.  I almost had found a new normal last fall before A returned.  Now I feel like we are floundering around again.  Part of it is the uncertainty of the future, most poignantly the uncertainty of income.  They boys disability subsidies will still come each month to help offset the inherent issues in raising children with special needs (like the inability to work full time), but it is not really enough to live on unless I move back into the trailer, which needs SO much work (even though we already put a lot of work into it), or to move in with my Dad, which has its own set of issues, not the least of which is the fact that A lives there and I am not really ready to live with A again.

So anyway, my life of transformation seems to have a lot of areas that need to be transformed....

Day 54--the kids are stressed......ughhh

So today, the kids had a good day at school AND it was payday, so I took the kids out for ice cream after school.  G and I shared a banana split (as they are on special this week at Stewart's), but J did not want it, so he got a little dish of rainbow sherbet instead.  They were very good at the shop and seemed to be in good moods until we got home.  Then J threw a tantrum about G beating him into the house (as J can't walk, it is up to me to make sure he has a fair shot at winning if they are racing), but they were not racing, they were just getting out of the car.  But he threw a conniption anyway.  He was easy to bring out of it by talking to our cat, Horus, who was waiting on the side of the driveway meowing at us.  Then we came in and they wanted to play Monkey Ball on the game cube, and as it was 4:00, I told them go ahead (video games are limited to 4-5pm, as they were getting addicted).  They were playing and G kept jumping erratically in a very small space almost landing on J many times.  I kept telling him that if he wanted to jump he needed to move to the other side of J where there was more space.  Four times I said it, and finally I just picked him up and moved him over to where it was safe for him to jump.  And he had a TOTAL meltdown... full blown teary sobbing....when I asked him what was wrong he said he wanted to win but J won. However he kept playing and within seconds he was fine again... 

Some days I feel like I live in the twilight zone.....

Day16--Breathing, breathing

WELL!!!

It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....

I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices.  Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home?  I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited. 

So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all.  I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration.  So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care.  SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do. 

So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears.  So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds.  There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head.  The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt.  So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin).  So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful.  It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit.  I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff.  Every little bit helps.

So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully).  I also had a bottle of water.

After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on).  So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.

For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me.  With a bottle of water of course.

And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.

Day 14--hair cuts, hydrocephalus, and Anticipating tomorrow's weigh in

Well, the evening went alright.  I had to give G a hair cut as his hair was just getting out of control.  I had figured I would do a simple trim with scissors, but alas G has  LOT of sensory issues with his head.  The joys of autism....

So what was going to be a quick trim before bath turned in to a full blown hair cut with the clippers because he moved at the wrong moment while I was trimming and ended up with a nearly bald spot.  So then, it was a bit of a wrestling match to get him to sit and calm down so that I could quickly buzz the sides and back of his hair and then a backwards buzz on top to keep the top a little longer, like he likes it.  It came out nice, but it takes SO MUCH out of both of us to do a full hair cut.  He is okay with the clippers as long as they have a guard on, but terrified of them when I have to take the guard off to clean up the back  neck area and his side burns (for an eight year old he has the most amazing side burns--and always has).  He is getting better as he gets older, as it used to take one person to hold him and the other person to quickly buzz his hair.  We had a friend/neighbor who owns a beauty shop and she was really good with him, though even there we had to double team him.  He now will sit fairly still, and let you do it, as he is realizing that it will be done faster that way.  But the tickling hair makes his squirm too, more that most people would.  Over all though we got a good hair cut and then he got int he shower, which helped get all of the little bits of hair off.

J asked me if I would cut his hair too, but I told him that I am out of energy and I would do his hair later this week.  His hair does need a cut, but where G's hair is straw straight like my own (must be the shared Native American blood in us), J's hair is made up of those amazing little, tight spring curls as he is mostly African American.  So doing J's hair requires more energy, creativity, and slow work than buzzing G's hair off.  And as J does sit patiently while you work on his hair, I enjoy taking the time to think about what style would be good for him.  I am really tempted to grow it longer and see what we can do with it, but it is already getting very difficult to pick out each morning, as it forms mats overnight. But both boys have amazing hair.  G's is actually darker than J's hair.  G has jet black straight hair, and J has dark brown curls.

I had a little cry tonight after the kids went to sleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.  I hate it when the kids are sick, it brings back memories of sitting by J's hospital bed during our numerous ICU stays when he was a baby) and wondering if he was going to make it.  I had a moment of that tonight, because even though he is getting through this cold/sinus/URI, his temperament has been really off--very moody, very changeable--it makes me worry about his hydrocephalus.  I have been trying to find a neurosurgeon closer to here, as his neurosurgeon that did his original surgery and that we have had do all the follow ups is now 8 hours away.  So, now that I am 99% sure we are staying here at least for a few years, I think it is time to find a neurosurgeon closer to follow J.  I had done some initial contact over teh last few months, but have yet to set anything up. Last year's appointment showed a possible increase in ventricle size, but he was showing no symptoms, so the doc recommended that we seek out someone who specializes in static hydrocephalus to follow him.  I have worked on that some (it is not a common speciality). I think I will be working on that more tomorrow, to get him an updated CT scan and in to see a new neurosurgeon.  He should not be this moody, even when sick he is usually not moody.  And as personality changes, particularly moodiness, is an early warning sign of increased pressure, I am feeling very strongly the need to have him checked out.

I did sit by his bed and pray over him for healing for a while. So I feel confident that the Spirit will lead me to the right people for him.  So tomorrow will be productive in that direction.

It is now time to head to bed.  I will just update the food journal as to what rounded out my day....

Dinner was Tuna Helper (generic brand) doctored up with left over veggies and some extra pasta.
And my evening snack was 1/2 sleeve of whole wheat crackers with cream cheese.
And I had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in, it should be interesting...

Day 14--enjoying my weekend

It has been a good weekend with the kids.  We have been taking it very easy as we are all still a little under the weather, but improving.  Today I spent some time creating a second blog that is connected to my website powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com .  I have been working on creating more of an attitude of gratitude to overide some of the negativity in my life, and I decided I would do that publicly now, but on a seperate blog as the focus is very specific.  So I will be blogging a daily gratitude list on my blog called Daily Gratitude.  You go to my website and click on the Daily Gratitude link at the top.

The kids are napping, well J is napping and G is in bed watching a video and resting. I am going to be listening to one of the Healing with the Masters audio call that I missed earlier this week.  If you are interested in healing you should check out this teleseminar series, it is completely free, and I am loving that I can go back and listen to it even if I can't be on the call itself each week. 

Okay so food journal for today so far:
breakfast at 7:30am--bowl of All Bran Strawberry medley with skim milk, and a cup of tea
mid-morning snack 10:00am--2 pieces of toast with PB and honey and a cup of tea and glass of water (well 3rd glass of water for today)
lunch at 1:30pm--refried beans with cheese and taco sauce on a tortilla (x2), and water, then some whole wheat crackers with the remaining refried beans and cheese after everyone was done with lunch.
snack 3:15pm--bowl of corn flakes with skim milk and cup of tea

I'll write more later as I want to listen to the teleseminar call I missed before the boys wake up.

Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!

Well, now everyone is sick.  I am not too bad just exhausted.  G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G).  By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped.  So I called the school and let them know he was not coming.  Then we turned around and headed home.  You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would?  Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.

So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash).  Anyway, we came home.  I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car.  I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent).  Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him. 

When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment.  I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses.  It would probably be easier on them.  He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money.  SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100).  Anyway, that is something A is thinking about.  I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing.  It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries?  Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door?  or will it be always a "see, you can take me back?  See we are great together?"  and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...).  So, well it is something to think about.  And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it".  Those are MY worries about the situation.  The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space.  All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games.  And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids.  It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this. 

Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00.  J's appetite is finally back.  I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water.  I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast. 

A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest.  I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day.  G has been playing Harry Potter.  My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy.  But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.

This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).

I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.

Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?

***WARNING: RANT BELOW******

(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))

Today has started off quite difficult.  I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school.  After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness).  He insisted that he waited to go to school.  I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday.  but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all.  So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too. 

So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go?  And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough.  And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go.  So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me?  we could watch movies and play games."  And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games.  As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate.  But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him.  Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc...  But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?]. 

I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself.  And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much.  This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to.  When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day. 

And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too"  To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling).  So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him).  Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before  I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....). 

It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state.  (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much.  My issue is the method and rational used  to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself).  And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games.  If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him". 

Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness.  Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH.  But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.

If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine.   But on the drive here A called first just to say hi.  I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay.  10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything." 
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking?  when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal." 
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
 A:"yeah" 
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....

Then another call, 10 more minutes later:

 A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot." 
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up." 
A:"no, its green snot" 
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"

A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be.  You are not the only one that would like to rest.  My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and  my sinuses are clogged and painful.  And I had a fever last night.  So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip.  But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day.  What good would that do?  I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work.  So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you  mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school.  its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?!  You don't NEED me, you've made that clear.  You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice  (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"

And I hung up.  I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is.  So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010.  To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event.  I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk.  I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap.  So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.

We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either.  It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single.  A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.

 But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with.  Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship.  I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell.  Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile.  I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends.  I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids.  but A can't see it.  A is not a bad person at all.  A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.

And I am understanding that.  This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream.  I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years.  I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate.  That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving.  So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith.  So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me. 

You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation.  If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work?  Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.

I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus.  And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)).  By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed.  Oddly, I do feel better, calmer,  Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better.  It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much.  The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing.  I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life.  Now I think I can get down to doing some work....

Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...

Day 10--It's only Wednesday, but i'm beat

It feels like it should be Friday.  Why am I so tired this week.  Perhaps it is my awesome immune system fighting off whatever the germ is that has J laid up (though he has done well today, rested a lot and still has a cough, butno fever, so  I think he is ready to go back to school tomorrow).  G though fell asleep AT SCHOOL for like an hour today.  He has not shown signs of a cough or fever, but that is very odd of him, especially since he got a good nights sleep last night.  He was looking mighty pale this evening--usually his skin tone is a light tan color, but tonight he was whiter than A is (and A is very pale Irish). So I asked A to come by in the morning again in case G needs to stay home, as I will be taking J to school tomorrow. Anyway, I have had a mild cough for about 5 days now, but no fever.  So my body has been successfully fighting whatever it is.  I think that is why I am so tired...

 Anyway, my meals after getting home.  Lets see. I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk for a mid afternoon snack.  For dinner we had the corned beef, cabbage, and potato dinner that I had planned on cooking last week that never panned out.  So I had corned beef, cabbage (lots of cabbage, I love cabbage), and potatoes with a large glass of water.  And right now I am eating an evening snack of a 1/2 bowl of raisin bran with milk.

I will have more water before I go to bed, but thats it, I am done.  Maybe I'll make a cup of herbal tea and watch a movie, it has been a long time since I watched a movie....  Sleep well all.

Day 10--reaching a new level of healing

I have been listening to a variety of philosophical and spiritual teaching lately on healing.  While one of my goals is to lose weight, it is more of a sub-goal to the much larger goal of becoming healthy.  And not just physically healthy, but spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, financially healthy, and socially healthy.  There are so many aspects to the human life, and being healthy in all areas is truly the primary state I want my being to be in.  So I was listening to someone I had never heard of before, named Jennifer McLean (I think that is how you spell it), and her work on body dialoging was very freeing, as it focuses in a meditative state on your body and helps you work through an area where you feel tense or stuck due to various issues from the past and present.  It really was quite an eye-opening experience in how I view certain people in my life and how I can change my attitude and forgive myself for the things that I have done that have contributed to the bad situations in my life.

Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time.  J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday.  A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active.  I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup. 

Okay, before I have to get  going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).

For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well.  See you later...

Day 9--A day at home

Well, I am having one of those rare days at home.  J is sick, he has a fever around 101.4 and his cough is not good, so he got his inhaler earlier when he woke up at 6:30 (or rather when I woke him up to get ready for school and discovered his cold turned into something more), and he had some juice and went back to sleep.  My mother was roused from her bed this morning to come stay with J while I took G to school.  I was back in time for her to only be a few minutes late for work.  I would have had A come over, as J is A's son too, but alas my father's phone is shut off right now, so there was no way to reach A (boy do I miss living in an area where cell phones actually work at times like these).  Anyway, J is still sleeping.  I just replaced a cup of watered juice next to him as he drank most of what I gave him earlier--rest and fluids are what's needed, right.  I think I will be keeping him home tomorrow, as the guidelines say he has to be fever free for 24 hours before returning, and also because fighting it seems to be taking all his energy, so he is going to need a day to recoup tomorrow.  I am to the doctor's at 2:00pm today.  Hopefully A will be here by them so one of us can go pick up G and the other can take J to the doctor, as the timing is bad. 

Anyway, So I am home.  I have been cleaning up the kitchen and working on some articles.  J did wake up while Iwas writing this and I have changed his clothes, given him a neb treatment and some more watered juice, and he is laying in bed watching a movie. 

I stopped at Stewart's after dropping G off at school this morning and grabbed a large coffee with half & half and a little sugar, an eggwich (egg, sausage, cheese on a hard roll), and a bottle of water, then headed home.  So kind of a heavier breakfast.  For lunch (as it is now after 12:00) I had a can of Light Beef PotRoast soup by Progresso with some crackers.  And a cup of water.

J is NOT going to the doctor.  A stopped in to get ready for work (long story, but A always gets ready for work here), and said they had changed the schedule and had to go in for 2pm instead of 3pm, and swapping days off from Tuesday to Thursday as they have someone else out.  So since I have leave at 1:45 to get G, there is no one to take J to the doctor.  I am not sure it would do any good, as I had been on the fence about it.  Most likely what he has is a virus, and there is nothing they can do to speed up recovery, especially since he has a normal level fever and his cough has not been around for long.  I just like to cover all my bases as with his CP and lung issues, sometimes illness works on his body differently than it does a typical kid.  But I also hate taking him to the doctors office as there are a lot of germs and other illness there that he can be exposed to, as the CP and CLD already lower his immunity, going in already sick, he is likely to pick up ANYTHING he contacts.  So it is probably for the best.  The nebulizer treatment helps so I am just trying to find someone to come sit with him while I go pick up G.  But if I have to bundle him up and put him in the car for a little ride, I think he will be okay.

Well, I should go, I have been intermittently working on this post for a few hours now, so it is time to publish it.  Oh, I just talked to my sister and her kids are both sick with what appears to be the flu.  At the place she works, many of the residents have come down with a Type A influenza (one not covered by this year's flu shot), and it has the same symptoms that her kids have and a number of other people in town have, and it sounds like what J has, so he may be out for a few days, as his cousin has had it since Friday and still has not gone back to school yet.

So---Yuck!

Day 8--fairly uneventful

So this day has been fairly uneventful, which has been nice.  After writing and such at the library I headed over to pick up J from school.  He has a bit of a cold and a dry cough, so I was a little worried about him--still am, as with his lung  issues a cold can sometimes turn into something worse quickly.  though this year we have been incredibly fortunate, as the couple of times I took him to the doctor, they said it was just a cold.  And he has recovered within a few days after that.  So hopefully it is just a little cold and with fluids and rest, he will be able to continue his daily routine and continue to get well.  His immune system seems to be getting stringer every year.  This is a blessing from God that I am truly thankful for.

For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas.  Oh, and a bottle of water.  I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.

Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library)  I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep.  I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect.  So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home.  And A was able to get to work on time.

The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere.  Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer.  But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out.  So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation.  I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here.  Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him.  Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it.  I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then. 

So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat.  But to no avail, not even a mew was heard.  So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it. 

Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet).  After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week.  So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel.  I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch.  His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole.  I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out.  He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in. 

the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually).  I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.

At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).

I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night.  We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy.  I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids.  J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it.  maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them.  But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future.  Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...

Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes.  This cold is kicking my butt...