The rollercoaster stopped, but what planet am I on?

All charges have been dropped, all restrictions lifted...that was the call I got last Friday so I was able to go HOME and have my children back fully in time for Mother's Day.  I have no idea if my soon to be ex-spouse didn't show for her meeting with the courts or if she fessed up and told the truth about her adding a lot of lies to the base of truth.  But either way, I have been cleared of all charges.

So that roller-coaster that I somehow got shoved onto in early April finally ended, and its exit is not where I expected.  Though I have been at this carnival of crazy life since well January really, I didn't fully hit the midway until my job disappeared in march and then the COVID pandemic changed all possible plans. Before being shoved onto April's bizarre roller-coaster, I had been working on becoming an online ESL teacher, so I could still work and meet the needs of the boys.  But it has been so long I may have lost my spot, so I need to see if that is even a possibility still.  I also had applied to get my teaching certification in this state and planned to sub the rest of the school year and into next year so I could both grow my in classroom experience and still have the flexibility I need to get the kids to all their appointments, work, and get back to after-school activities that being them both joy and socializing. 

 I also had planned on getting back to wood-burning crafts to sell at farmers markets and craft fairs and rejoin my mom's donuts business.  Lots of little streams of income.  To have greater flexibility of time when the kids need me though it is more work.

Instead I am here planning out our budget to make sure rent and utilities get paid, grateful for gifts from friends and family that have helped. I am grateful to the school's lunch delivery that we have been able to take advantage of, giving the kids a good walk to the end of the street each day.  I am grateful for the regular checks that come in for the boys disability and survivor-ship benefits which keep us from drowning.  

But I have ideas and plans, and I am committing to get the ball rolling now that the unexpected betrayal and hellish confusion of April is behind us.  The only constant is change...well change and Love, real love not that romantic nonsense, but deep spirit level love that knows no disconnect from the source of all Creation.  It is what binds us together at a level deeper than any betrayal or conquest or challenge.  Maybe I will actually take a deep breathe and publish the book that I wrote a decade ago.  We will see where life leads now that life is opening a new chapter...unknown and undeveloped, perfect for the imagination to create whatever transformation it can hold to...

Wow--what a week!

Okay, so I am really tired today--it has been one long week....

So there was an insurance glitch and so A did NOT go into rehab on Monday and was at my dinner table Monday night (and Tuesday and Wednesday night...)  But thankfully the insurance glitch got straightened out and A left for rehab yesterday and has started the journey towards a new or renewed life.  I will have to figure out when I can clean out A's apartment and arrange to move all of A's furniture into storage (in my garage)

The carpet is down in the daycare area of the house as of Wednesday--YAY!!!  it has been professional cleaned and has dried, thus ready for the room to be set up as of today. I have been getting the base boards together and need to cut a few to fit, so hopefully tonight I will have the big room's baseboards done after work.  And today will be the last day of babysitting outside of my home, as this weekend I should be able to get the daycare area all set up and ready to roll, so the two kids I currently babysit can come here and play.  AND I will hopefully be able to be ready for upcoming inspections in the day care licensing process, which will allow me to more than 2 children in addition to my own. You can watch up to two children at any given time in NYS without a license, but need a license to watch more--the license I am applying for will allow me to watch up to 6 kids in addition to my own.  If demand is great, I will hire on a co-worker and apply for group family licensing, which allows up to 12 children with two adults.  For now I will start with the smaller one, as that is what I have been working on, and I will have a licensed alternate provider and a couple of approved substitutes who will be able to take over if I am running around to appointments with my kids.

Yesterday was a crazy day as Josiah had his Neuropsychological evaluation, which was an hour and a half away, and took 6 hours (9:30am-3:30pm).  He spent most of that time working with the psychologist solo, while I had my own forms and paperwork to fill out in the waiting room. He did very well and worked very cooperatively with her.  She really was a wonderful person, and made both Josiah and I feel very at ease and comfortable.  A genuine, kind human being--so she was very easy to like and Josiah took a liking to her right away.  That made things much much easier.  So I am hoping that the information that she was able to get yesterday combined with the information I had provider earlier, and the information from the school, as well as her observations from the day she came to observe him at school, will help be enough for her to determine what is going on with him and how best to help him with the behavioral and emotional issues that have been developing and worsening over the past year.  I am putting a great deal of hope into Dr. McCabe's lovely hands.

Coming up next week--Josiah sees his pulmonary doctor, Gonzo sees his allergist (on different day, both of whom are nearly 2 hours away--the joys of specialist), and at Josiah's school it is heritage week, so many various activities including a trip to the museum, which I need to figure out a Way to attend or else he can not go.  Actually, he really just needs a family member to go with him, so maybe I can ask my father or my nephew Jess--Can you believe it, my little Jessi is 18 years old!! and heading off to college in the Fall!!  WOW time flies--and I feel old, I was an adult (19) when Jessi was born and now he is an adult--just amazing to me some days.

I will post later about how the eating life style change is going--lets just say for now that changing habits is a challenging thing, and it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so it has to be conscious effort during those 21 days to embrace the new lifestyle habit, after that it gets easier.  Eventually it becomes second nature an you don't even have to think about it.  I need to get more sleep on a regular basis, I think that would go a LONG way to helping me maintain the focus and will to change habits a bit more successfully--I have not given up, just have had a couple of days where old habits have superseded fledgling new habits, but that is for another post later....

Okay...the first day of the rest of my life

I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time.  You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life".  OH...I have added a page to this blog  that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).

I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:

1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle.  It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief.  I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind).  I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is).  I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return.  Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge.  I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life.  For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.

2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace. 

3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled.  So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.

4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.

5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear.  It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart.  So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings.  i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life.  Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.

Memorial and Remembrance--Thoughts on Death

With it being Memorial Day--a Day to remember those who were lost defending this country's way of life--I am reminded that there are many others that we remember.   Memorial day is a very poignant weekend regarding death due to a death that occurred a few years ago.

My dear mother-in-law (mil) passed away on Memorial Day in 2009, and while it was not the beginning of the end of our nuclear family's stability (as that demise had already begun about 10 months before that when A found the bottle again after years of sobriety), it was a huge turning point in A's life--which being my spouse and the other parent of my children, meant it was also a huge turning point in our lives.  Cleta (my mil) was an amazing woman--beautiful, giving, caring, stubborn, strong willed, and strong.  Her passing to the next phase of life was sad for those left behind, but she left a legacy with her children and her grandchildren, her love to them and through them carried her spirit on ward.  Grief and mourning are a part of life, as the passing of a great lady reminded me. 

I have had a great deal of difficulty understanding A's reaction to death--not that I expect it to be the same as mine, and obviously as it was a parent who passed, the grief is much deeper, and loss felt much more keenly--there is no return from it, only a moving forward to find a new normal for life to stabilize to.  I will not go into everything, or really anything more about A's reactions and such, as they belong to A, not to me.  (though I will mention with joy that A has decided to go to rehab (as detox just isn't sticking for more than few days) and will be entering a program next week in an effort to work through a variety of issues--And best case scenario is that she will find healing, and come out able to rebuild a life in a nearby city, and be able to be a solid, nurturing, part-time parent to our children.  Minimum desire on my part, that she will find healing and be able to build a new life.--sorry long tangent)

But I have reflected often on my views of death since then, and am finding that I do not view death the same way that many people do.  For one, I do not believe death is the end--it is AN ending, but much like the ending of one book in a long series, just as birth is not THE beginning, but a beginning.  I believe that I existed LONG before this particular incarnation of me arrived on this planet in 1974, and I will exist long, long after this body has returned to dust (and with modern preservation that is a long time).  I believe that people's spirits are connected, in non-corporeal ways, and (well I will not go into all of it) but I believe that "soul mates" are really just old friends finding each other again in this incarnation, because on a spiritual level, they are still connected.  So when you meet someone, and feel that instant connection, it is because on a deeper, non-physical plane--you already ARE connected.  And I am not talking about romance either, a soul mate can be your best friend.  On a spiritual level you attract each other like magnets.  Oh--that is actually a whole different topic--very closely related though.

When someone we love dies--we don't lose them, they are still with us--not in some "they taught you and you carry their memories and love with you" kind of way--though that is also true--but they are still as close as they always have been--time out of mind.  Our spirits are still intertwined and on that level, there is no loss.  Yes, grieve that you can not hug them or call them on the phone, or have a corporeal relationship with them any longer--yes that is hard, that does make you cry, it makes me cry--I LOVE hugs.  But it is not the end, they are not gone anymore than I will be gone when this body gives out eventually (when I am around 97 years old--I've decided that would be a good age to live to).  Death is not the end--even though the loss of a dearly beloved may bring us to our knees and wrench a bottomless scream from your throat, even though the overwhelming sadness that comes with knowing that this you will never again be able to hug that them again or hear that voice, even though the idea of living life with a hole that can never be filled but just has to be gotten used to seems impossible--the fact is, if you are tightly twined together in this world, in this life, your spirits are intertwined in eternity, and you will meet each other again and again, in various ways and various relationships. 

Death is hard...loss is hard...but remembering that it is NOT the end makes it a little easier.  I do not fear my own death...I do not fear the death of loved one...I know that anyone I love who passes will be painful for me and all that love that person.  I know that it will take time to grieve, time to heal, and time to find a new normal.  I know that everyone's time is different, everyone's grief is different...But I also know that in the end--there is no end!

Blogging, Openness, and Education about depression

There seems to be a run of emotional challenges lately, not only in my life and the people around me, but in the blogging world as a whole.  Some of my very favorite bloggers have written some really incredible and amazing posts about depression and mental illness lately.  And I am so honored by their courage to step up and talk about their personal experiences with this very difficult and often misunderstood challenge.  As I have struggled--sometimes mildly and sometimes very severely--with depression, anxiety and a few other issues in my personal life, and know that when you share that with people who never really have experienced true clinical depression or clinical anxiety, it can be disconcerting.  It can change the way a person looks at you or treats you because they don't understand it.  You don't have to understand it, I am still the same person I was yesterday and a decade ago--it is just a part of me that adds an extra layer of challenges  AND insights to life. 

As I have been struggling with a resurgence of it lately, and my ex is struggling with a really severe bout of it right now, I have been amazed at how many of my favorite hilarious bloggers have been open about it.  So I am going to post a few links to some of the things that they ahve said, because--one, I am not really brave enough to discuss my person demons online in a public blog, and two, they say it so well and so succinctly that I can not top it:

The first is Allie at Hyperbole and A Half, who does a great humorous and amazingly accurate description of what it is like: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

The second is Jenny aka The Bloggess, who is just incredibly hilarious, but did this amazing post/video about depression http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/  Jenny says quite a bit about depression and struggle with mental health,  She is incredible and amazing, and a person whose courage and openness is just wonderful. Here is another post of hers on the subject: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

A third one, who keeps taking down her amazing posts about depression, but who is comical and real and raw is Emerald Wynn (whose post about a week ago I would have loved to have shared as it was very poignant, but alas she took it down).  So I will share another post of her where she is very real about depression (sandwiched in the middle of the post), as I really think it is important: http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2012/02/its-loneliness-thats-killer.html  And this post and the poemy thing at the end of this is definitely worth sharing:  http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-love-you-i-hate-you-but-ill-always.html And another one of hers on the topic that I  liked as well http://emeraldwynn2.blogspot.com/2009/06/invasion-of-body-snatchers.html  OH, and Second Life, which is what Em talks about and where the pics come from, is a virtual world where you can  meet real people from all over.  For me, who feels isolated living where I do without connections to the range of cultures and personalities and idea I am used to and need in my life, Second Life has given me the chance to meet and "hang out" with a wider variety of people.  Though with the work on the house, I have only stopped in world a couple of times in the past 6 weeks, so I am neglecting my second life some as my regular life is so insanely busy.  If anyone does go on, look me up and IM me or send a friend request--I am AlabasterCamel in world, and usually be found in UUTopia, LP, or Greek Gold (I know there are thousands of worlds in second life, but those are the three I frequent most often).

Inspector on VACATION!?!?!!

So, an update on the house situation....we pushed hard this weekend to get things ready for the final inspections.  We still have a few absolute necessities to do prior to the final inspection, and then a bunch of other stuff to do to get it ready to move the kids in, but we are ready for the electrical inspection (or will be within the next 24 hours), and so I called the electrical inspector this morning--the only one who services this area--and his message said he is on VACATION until May7th. 

SO that put the brakes on, as without the final electrical inspection, I can not have the final, final inspection to get the CO.  So, while we will still keep working (as there is still a bunch of painting and cleaning up and finalization of the bathroom and kitchen (had a problem with my well laid floor--self sticky tiles will not bind even with the bond enhancer I put down prior to laying them out, so I am having to lift each tile up and spray adhesive under it and lay it back down, so the bathroom completion is a bit delayed).  So it will still be a busy week, but we do not have to push as hard because I have to renew my Workers comp insurance to keep the building permit for another week (I had hoped and push to avoid having to do that, but luckily my little tax refund arrived finally so I have the funds to pay it, which was part of the problem--I am so glad money arrives when it is so needed).  So maybe tomorrow my father can take a break as he has not taken a day off in like 2 weeks (though of course he will just go work at Dr. Hammer's house as they are coming home this week and he has to get that opened up and ready, but at least it will be a change of pace).

My goal now is to have all the painting done (including both boys rooms and the day care area (which I am only repainting a little bit of that now as I don't have enough paint to redo the whole thing, so Salmon Colored walls will have to stay as the paint is in good shape and does not NEED to be painted over.  I also plan to have the kitchen and bathroom fully functional and ready to roll by the 7th.  AND have everything cleaned up (right now it is both a mess of construction material and mess AND storage of my apartment and stuff people have given for the house which now really needs to be moved into the garage area as most of the construction are now out of that area.  It IS covered with Sheetrock dust and saw dust though, so before I move anything back there, I have to clean it up.  but that is one of my goals for the next few days. 

So while I am disappointed that I can not get the final inspections for another wee, I am happy that I will be able to get more of the stuff done to make it truly livable before actually moving the kids in, and when I have the CO, I should be able to make the transition the very next day, rather than having a gap between the CO and the move in day.  We can survive another week the way we have been going.  The kids will be okay, and A will be okay ( I hope--things seem slightly calmer this morning than they have been the past week or so), and I will be okay. (ya know it is a good thing my ex's name starts with an A and not an I because that could get confusing, I mean using "A" to denote my ex is confusing enough, but if I had to use "I" I would probably have to get more creative.  Or I could just a  have a ball writing really confusing posts and trying to explain them and making anyone who reads them think they they are on drugs or something (or that I am on drugs or something...coffee.....hmmmmm...that is my drug of choice.....followed closely by chocolate).  No, my insanity is my own and I embrace it proudly...!  Oh dear...rambling aimlessly...time to go...

Some Days

Some days I wonder how much is too much....

Some days I feel the weight of responsibility from so many directions, I feel like it is going to crush me.... 

Some days I feel like no one can understand, and no one wants to...and most days that is okay...

Some days keeping on keeping on is harder than it appears from the outside....

Most days I don't have the answers....I just keep going on as best I can with what I have...and try to find the silver lining...and keep going even if I can't find it...because tomorrow is always a new day...

Most days I try not to ask for help from other people, I made my decisions and my day to day life is the culmination of those decisions, and so I figure I will accept what help is offered for a various things...and hope that those who are offering help actually want to help, and I just try to roll with the rest...

Some days rolling is hard...

Most days I feel like no one actually knows me....and most days that is okay...because I know me...but some days,

Some days.....

Some Day....I want someone to know me...

reflecting on comment....

So,  i received an interesting comment about my last post from someone who decided to be anonymous.  The poster who was too fearful to even write their name said that essentially that I hate school and have poisoned my children against it (which must be why we spend time every night finding the three things we like best about school, and what they are looking forward to at school tomorrow--yeah, I really am trying to poison my children against school...(rolls eyes...sigh...)).  Which I find interesting, given that most of the last post discussed the benefits of homeschooling against the benefits of public school education--and the reasons that I DID NOT want to pull my son out of public school.  Because of the BENEFITS that school offers.  Just because I believe that certain aspects of education are better fulfilled in other ways, and because certain aspects of the institution of school bother me, does not mean I hate school.  If I truly hated school and saw no beneficial reason for sending my children, they would have been home schooled long ago.  Which tells me that the person (unless they are just a troll trying to create discord and hurt in an already painful and difficult situation, in which case I stick my tongue out at you and pray that you get a life worth living) has not truly read my posts about Josiah's schooling, or understood the many many things I have said about my beliefs about school or what I want for my children.  As I do not hate school--there are things I hate ABOUT school, there are certain people associated with the school that I do NOT like, but as a whole, if the placement and supports are correct, then school can be a VERY positive and beneficial experience. 

As any of my readers know, there have been many posts about the challenges that my son is facing at school, and I have talked at length about my feelings about how the school handles some things well and how they do not.  I have talked at length about my feelings about the basic structure of the public school system as a whole and how it is not ideal for the complete well rounded development of children.  I have also stated many times why it is beneficial and an important part of the childhood experience in this culture.  I have talked about my feelings on home school, and why I feel it is important for my kids to BE IN SCHOOL.  Even the public school system know and requires only 2 hours of one-on-one instruction in lieu of a 6-7 hour school day, as the shorter, more individual education takes far less time to accomplish more academics.  That is because, part of a child's education at school has nothing at all to do with academics--it has much, much more to do with social and cultural molding.  And that is very important.  Most people who remove their children from public education do so because of they do not agree with the social and cultural molding their children are getting.  I am not a huge fan of it myself, as I believe it is an outdated motif, left from from an industrial, assembly line mentality era, when it was important to get children accustomed to the industrial life view and living model.  Our world has change to a post-industrial era, and creativity, individuality, and numerous other social and cultural traits are more valuable than industrial modality, but it is taking the school model longer to change than the culture as a whole. 

I have spent more energy (physical, emotional, & cognitive) dealing with school related issues in the past four years than i have in dealing with ALL of the other issues the boys have combined, which if you know anything at all about my boys and their special needs, you will have some understanding go how much time and energy goes into managing their needs aside from school and aside from them just being kids.  The main reason for that is that public school is not in any way designed to handle kids who do not fit into basic molds.  And we, as a society and a culture, have learned that people have value (did you know that anonymous commenter) and can contribute to society as a whole, as well as live fruitful lives from an individual perspective, if all people are treated like people and given the opportunity to have a family, to have an education, to have social interaction, to be out in public--unlike the 1950's idea that all people who do not fit the right molds need to be locked away, and neglected, and allowed to die or languish is some state akin to death, rather than given then chance to reach their potential.  Thar means that those who would have been locked away before, are now being included in life and society as they should be.  BUT it also means that people have to be flexible, and be able to learn and be able to adapt and change, and be open minded--they need to think outside the box, and be ready fro trial and error, be ready to have unexpected reactions, and be willing to lose the cookie cutter children idea.  It means that those with special needs, have special needs--needs that are different from the needs of the average person.  it means that something that worked well for me or you or joe schmo down the street, may or may not work well for them.  If their needs did not differ significantly from the average person--they WOULD NOT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!

It means that as a parent I have to be more flexible in my expectation, my desired for my own life, and my dreams for the future both for myself and my children.  It means that the doctors have to be willing to gain knowledge about their various medical issues which make treatment different for them in some areas.  it means that teachers need to be open to learning other styles of teaching and dealing with a child whose needs and abilities are different.  It means that people need to stop assuming they have it all figured out, and be flexible, wiling to change, and grow and learn--not just once but everyday.

So, dear troll, it also means that as a parent, I need to work as hard as I can to find what works and what does not for my child.  That in order for him to reach his fullest potential, have stability, develop appropriate social behaviors, and become a fully independent adult in another 15 years, I need to respond appropriately to his needs, and be his advocate to ensure that those environments and areas(medical, educational, psychosocial, developmental, and social) that are part of his life and vital to his growth and maturation, are appropriate and are helping rather than hurting his ability to become an independent adult.  My job is not to ensure that he is always happy or have everything that he wants, my job is not to make the lives of those who know him easier and to pity them for their having to work with a child with challenges, my job is not to make excuses fro his behavior or to ignore his needs and try to force him to be "normal" (we all can see how easy to is to say to the child "get up and walk like a real kid" and when he does not to blame him for his insolence, or blame his parent fro carrying him--forget the fact that he has cerebral palsy and can even stand with out support--if that is ridiculous, why would you think that other special needs are less debilitating or more deliberate?). 

My job and my passion to to help make the world a place where all people --ALL PEOPLE (even the comment trolls)--can be accepted for who they are, for the amazing things that they CAN do, for the unique ways that they can contribute to the growth and evolution of humanity, and for the blessing they can bring to all that they meet.  And I know that I will meet many people (have already) that do not understand.  People that can not see past their own personal experience to recognize that there are different kinds of people in the world and ALL have value.  There are people who do not understand how you can be upset about something going on with a particular situation without hating the whole situation.  People who do not get that just because something is less than ideal, that it is okay to express your thoughts about  that less ideal issue without having to write off the whole institution.  So, I hope that the commenter will have the courage and the respect to step forward and discuss their reflections openly and with thoughtful respect.  And will remember that all of us get frustrated sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with being frustrated.  God knows my son's teachers get frustrated, and struggle with how to be approach the situation, but sometimes it is overwhelming--and it is okay to feel overwhelmed, it is okay to need to walk away, it is okay to vent and to rant---and it is okay to then come full circle and be ready to step in again and try to work towards a solution.  God knows we all hit different parts of that circle at different times...even in the same day.

So i will continue to work with the school personnel, with the teachers, with the therapist, with the doctors, with my son and with myself regarding ongoing issues at school.  I will continue to vent when I need to, reflect on things when I need to ,work out my thoughts and feelings, work through new information, and be open to expressing all of it in a public forum--because I know that I am not alone in these challenges, I am not alone in these frustrations, I am not alone in these joys, I am not alone in these blessings---and even the trolls are there to remind me why I blog, why I think out loud (in writing even) and why i am NOT afraid to openly express my feelings in a public forum.  There are others out there who need to know they are not alone in their experiences.  There are those who like to hear how ideas and thought processes are moving so that they can use some of it for their situation.  And there are those like the anonymous commenter, who need to express their own frustration, and remind me that what we think someone is saying is not always what they are saying.  inference and implications may be completely different...and it is okay---each person lives their own life their own way.

Thinking...as Usual...

So, Josiah's return to school after break has not been so good.  Something is causing him great distress there, to the point that even talking about school gives him a stomach ache.  And he does not seem to be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that is just so problematic.  He shares with me that is is afraid at school.  The school does not seem to ever interpret his anger reaction as a shield against his fear--which tells me they do not know much about basic human dynamics.  Most of the people I know put a face on fear that does not look like fear.  For some people, fear shows up as depression.  For some people fear presents as mania, they run around like crazy being super busy and never stopping--but it is because of fear that drives them.  I have known many people who when they feel fear, the get defensive and angry.  And anger covers their fear, but the problem is not anger, it is fear, and if you help alleviate the fear, all of the symptomatic fronts, all of the behaviors that human being have to try to hide the fear, will dissipate.

It does not matter if it is fear of physical harm, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of being seen as wrong, fear of not having needs met, fear of being emotionally injured, fear of not being able to succeed...all fear is fear, whether rational or not, whether well founded by someone from the outside or not, whether anyone else understands it or not....FEAR IS WHAT IT IS.  And fear does not discriminate by gender, height, abilities, age, skin color, or any other of the artificial divisions we make between human beings.  Fear is fear is fear, and whether you are an adult or a child, fat or thin, black or white, tall or short, male or female...fear is fear, and we all have different ways that we retaliate against fear.  Some people laugh hysterically, so people cry hysterically, some people flutter around like a hummingbird on red bull, some people sit and stare out the window, some people sleep, some people are insomniacs, some people eat (and eat and eat), other people can barely keep water down, some people becoming bossy control freaks, some people become weepy incompetents, some people being red hot angry....

Until you calm the fear, until you help a person feel safe, until they know that they can be held, contained, protected, and know what to expect...until the fear is calmed...you can not control the behaviors, and the more you try to the greater the fear increases, and the behaviors start going in all different directions.  When you try to stomp an an already full water balloon trying to make it smaller, it will pop.  When you try to stomp on an already distressed human being, trying to stop the filling without stopping the flow, they will burst.

Calm the fears, give clear boundaries and safe, logical, compassionate consequences, give support and encouragement to move beyond fear, give a sense of belonging and safety...those go a long way to alleviating fear.  Once a fear pattern and model has been in place for a long time, it is going to take a LOT more than a pat on the head and simple empty reassurance to reduce the fear that started months before and grew in response to inappropriate responses to need and/or fear expression. 

So I am thinking it may be time to bring Josiah home, to finish the Kindergarten year at home, just as we did with Gonzo.  Give him some time to learn and focus on schooling where he feels safe, and can then again start to equate learning with a safe activity.  Then we can try again in first grade, to integrate him in the social industrial model of public education, hopefully with a better sense of himself, and more internal capacity to regulate his own fears and insecurities, and be better able to understand the oddities and social structure of public education.  I DO believe that homeschooling done correctly is FAR, FAR superior to industrial institutional education, HOWEVER, I also believe that having the social training that a larger school population provides, and the greater range of experience with a variety of different adults and children, each bringing their own family culture and experience into the lives of the public school children is very important in helping children develop a stronger, broader sense of the world.  If it were only about academic achievement, public school should be obliterated and replaced with conscientious homeschooling, as each academic plan/curriculum is based on each child's needs and interests.  But school is a social experiment, and helps even out the family quirks, and introduce kids the the fact that everyone is different, believes different things, has different experiences, and THAT IT IS OKAY.

A little time to myself....

Okay, so I know I do have breaks in my day which are technically time for myself between the split shift that I work with the kids I babysit, but it lately has been so filled with dealing with things with the new house, school meetings, dr/dentist appointments for the kids, and all sorts of other stuff that have to be done, that it is rarely "me" time.  And, as my last post said I have been in dire need of reducing my stress levels.  So today I have some time, by myself following an appointment for myself to just be me.  I am sitting at the library, like I used to do every day last year, and just enjoying the peace, quiet, and solitude for a little bit before driving back home.  A is planning on having the kids for dinner, so there is no reason for me to rush home. 

The past few weeks I have been juggling the idea of stepping away from the babysitting and trying to find a job that provides a better income.  Now that my savings are depleted and the house is no where near ready, so the opening date of the daycare is still a long way off (which when this all started a few months ago, I had figured out and planned that the house would be done and daycare registration approved by the state at about the same time that my saving ran out, which would have been fine, as I could have then been in the position to increase my income through the daycare.  But alas, we are still at least a month from finishing the house, and at least 2 months (as I have to wait for the house to be done to even finish the paperwork to schedule the home inspections)  from completing all of the inspections and licensing requirements for the day care (probably more).  So the $80 a week I make babysitting is just not going to be able to carry us through the next few months, even with the boys' subsidies.  So I am trying to make a hard decision...the decision to try to figure out other gainful employment and thus strand one of my potential daycare families until it opens so that I can make enough to live on, or to just try to keep squeaking forward with that I've got and pray that it will be enough to build the bridge between the depletion of the savings and the time that the daycare starts paying for itself and my family's needs.

I have been looking at the online writing that I used to do and I am not at a high enough income level with it to even replace the babysitting dollar for dollar, so that is not an option really.  I think I am going to have to start applying for other jobs, but the area I live in has so few this time of year, so I will be branching out down to this area (where I am sitting int the library over an hour from home), and I have to make enough to offset the costs of fuel and childcare, or it is a moot point.  So I am juggling and searching, and seeking a resolution to this issue, at least for the short term until things are such that the daycare can be opened.

In short term hindsight, I wish I had not taken on this massive project.  i am hoping that a year from now I will look back with a longer term hindsight and say that this period of stress and uncertainty was worth it, and that I made the right decision to invest in my future in this particular way.  (I know, I have a bunch of oddly structured sentences in this post).

So, anyway... I am going to return to surfing the want ads and see if I can come up with a few leads that will help alleviate some of the overlapping issues that I face right now, as finding and affording childcare for two kids with special needs is a challenge AND getting a job that allows the time off that I need in order to get them to all of their appointments (can you imagine any employer that would have given me the 16 half-days that I had to take off during the month of January for various necessary appointments fro the kids?!?).  Boy do I miss my days at Cornell and the flexibility in scheduling that both Ed and Steve allowed me, as I could make up the hours in the evenings or weekends....

Relieving stress...!?!

Well, I have read (and written) many articles on different techniques to manage stress, and you know, sometimes all of the knowledge in the world is useless when I have trouble applying the techniques and principles of stress reduction to my life.

I have to admit, I have been stressed almost to my breaking point over the past week.  the term "nervous breakdown" kept coming to mind ... 

Between financial pressure, the stress of the house renovations, the looming time line of having to be out of the apartment around the 15th and being no where near done with the house (and without the funds to continue to pay for both places), my car being out of commission while my step father repairs the brakes and power steering so I can get it inspected (it was due in November), thus having to finagle my schedule and transportation needs with A for the week (it is amazing when you can be friends with your ex), and then the added stress of having to make sure the apartment was looking nice and neat for the landlord to show to prospective renters---well, it really has just been almost too much.  Top that off with the cat peeing on the easy chair and Josiah's coat (which was on the chair) last night, so that even with cleaning the chair as well as I could on short notice, and burning scented candles all morning, the house still smelled horrible when the landlord showed the apartment.   Right now the chair cushion is outside int eh rain hoping to let nature wash out some of the smell.  If I can't get the smell out, I may have to say goodbye to the chair.  Josiah's coat I will wash 2-3 times to remove the smell (hopefully) once I get quarters.

Anyway, all of these stressors have combined with the following list of issues to just zap my strength and my motivation to practice beneficial and useful stress reduction techniques:

1) my lack of sleep (running at about 3- 4 hours a night lately),
2) my poor attention to my dietary intake (being an emotional eater and not having as much healthy food in the house--and WAY too many carbs, which is not good for a type 2 person...),
3) my lack of a regular exercise program (I miss my daily hour long walks that I used to do when I was in GF all day),
4) my poignant lack of friends that live closer than 6 hours away that I  could potentially spend time with,
5) my lack of a social life of any kind, and
6) my sorely depleted spiritual reserves

So this is a post essentially focused in the wrong direction.  I am focusing on what I DO NOT want in my life experience right now, and thus am drawing more of those experiences to me.  As the Abraham-Hicks people teach though, these are the times when we are recognizing what we do NOT want so that in contrast we can further define what we DO want, and thus move forward with a clearer, more refined picture of what we are wanting to be created in our lives.  So I will be counting this past week as a week of finding clarity, and move forward from here knowing that what I pray for my upcoming experiences are:

1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.

So I am now breathing and refocusing my attention towards thoughts that relieve my stress.  I would love to hear from some of you, my readers, about things that you do to reduce stress and gain a better attitude and more peaceful focus during times of challenge.  Please leave me some suggestions in the comments! I know that given time and discipline, I will feel far more calm and relaxed about everything going on, and hopefully find a stronger motivation and joy in the adventure that this life brings...

A New Year, A New Start

Well, the holiday week certainly kept me busy.  Part of that was this little thing called a Kindle that A got for me.....So I have read five books since Christmas (I know that is a bit excessive).  I am so excited about how easy it is to get a book.  I just need to watch my budget and use the library and free collections more often than buying a new book, or else my basic life will suffer.

My house is still a wreck.  Although I have been working all week in addition to reading, I have also started work (or rather my father has started) on the actual renovating of the new house.  The tear down phase is pretty much done, just a couple of damaged ceiling areas to tear down still.  The main wall for the boys rooms went up yesterday.  I can not help much during this framing, electrical and plumbing stage, as I have minimal knowledge about how to do those three things. It would slow him down too much to be teaching me as we go because I am struggling to pay for two homes at the same time, so finishing as quickly as we can is important.  After the framing, electrical and plumbing inspection, then we can put up the sheet rock at which point I can actually be of use.  I CAN sheet rock, tape, spackle, paint, and then deal with flooring and molding. Then we can have the final inspection, get our CO and move in.  Then I can give this apartment a thorough cleaning, and be done here.  I also am looking forward to having a child care area that is separate from the main living and sleeping area of my home.  It will be easier to design educational and fulfilling activities for the kids I care for, and will be able to keep my own children's stuff more protected and private, as the child care kids will not have access to their rooms.  Here is so small that the kids use the living room/kitchen and the boys bedroom for playing as there is too little room to play and do projects otherwise.

I look forward to us having our own house again, and to getting the day care license process completed, then I make more than $3 an hour because I can have a few kids . Iin NY you can not have more than 2 kids at a time without the license, and in this area many people make minimum wage or barely above it, so can not pay more than $2-3 an hour--and the child care subsidy pays even less than that for people who qualify!  Add int hat very few people have full time jobs year round up here, and you can see that making an income babysitting is not easy.  Actually making a livable income at all is a challenge.  But when I can have 4-5 kids at $2-3 an hour, I can make enough to actually eek out a living for me and the kids.

This week has also see A really step up to the plate with the kids.  A has been sober for one month as of Christmas Day, and the changes that I see remind me of the person that I met nearly eight years ago.  It is amazing how much addiction can change a person.  We have a lot of baggage from the past few years, so I am not sure if our relationship could ever truly heal enough to consider getting back together, but it is good to the person that knew back them again.  Of course it is not easy, and healing takes time, but I see A being more responsible with work, with the kids, and with taking care of the things A needs to rather than waiting for others (like me) to do it.    Each of the kids spent one night at A's by themselves, and then they have spent 3 nights at A's together.  I would love to say that I got to sleep in those days, but alas I still had kids to babysit, so the only day I slept in (to 9:30!! after getting up at my normal 6:30 to let the dog out and back in of course, but went back to bed).  It was New Years Day.  I went over to A's for New Year's eve, and the kids stayed up to watch the ball drop on TV.  This was the first time they stayed up for New Year's Eve.  Then I tucked them into their beds at A's house and headed home.  Of course I ended up staying up until 2:30am reading, so I did not actually catch up on any sleep, sheesh!!

I am looking fr\orward tom this new year.  I have many unfinished or partially finished goals from the last couple of years, and I will continue working on them.  The three biggies I hope to continue this year are getting healthier physically, getting healthier spiritually, and getting healthier financially.  Three facets of "wealth" in helping to transform my life. 

Three primary focuses for the physical aspect: exercising 5 days a week needs to start happening again; eating more vegetables and fruit and less processed carbohydrates, and being more conscientious with food and snack choices (broth or soup for a snack instead of cookies or a bowl of cereal; drinking ample amounts of water; drinking hot tea between meals instead of immediately reaching for something to chew on; chewing gum when I really need the sensation of chewing; planning my meals beforehand so that I know I am eating a well balanced, nutrient dense meal, instead of throwing whatever together at the last minute). 

Three primary focuses for the spiritual aspect:  meditating at least 15 minutes a day; teaching my children about and living life as a prayer (being aware that everything I do can be an act of prayer--a way of communicating with and connecting to the Divine); and  using self-hypnosis to actively work on emotional/mental blockages and to transform negative thinking patterns and habits. 

Three primary focuses for the financial aspect:  Making a reasonable budget based on actual spending needs and committing to it fully;  Getting the day care business underway and being very reasonable  with the budget; and putting some time and effort into the two business I have underway--finish my hypnosis training and get certified so I can make and sell some hypnosis MP3 and CD's, and work on my Ambit business, which my brother is law is making a six figure income from after only 2 years of being an independent consultant, so I know the company is honest, the service is good, and it is a great way to help others make money while helping their friends and family save money on electricity.  I just need to find the time to put into building my business to bring in more income.

So three focus areas for my continued life transformation of my life.  May 2012 bring blessings to you from unexpected places.  And may you be open to being transformed!!

Merry Christmas....

May you all be blessed this day with the amazing wonder of the first Christmas which brought the greatest energy of the most high God into human form, to walk among us, be vulnerable, and live with us as we are.  May you know this day that YOU are so important and wondrous that Christ came in human form to live with us, teach us, eat with us, laugh with us, cry with us, and just be with YOU in general.

May the joy of sharing gifts, sharing food, sharing time and laughter and tears be s gift that lifts your hearts, minds, and spirits high.

My pepperoni loving son was excited to see that Santa had put a huge pepperoni stick in his stocking "OH MY GOSH!!!  Santa gave me pepperoni!!"  That was Josiah.  Gonzo was so happy to open the only thing he asked for--a Bop It game, and has been having fun playing with it. We spent the night at A's house and Santa visited us there.  My Mom and step dad as well as my Dad and my brother all came over for Christmas Breakfast and to see the present opening.  Everyone is always amazing at how calm my kids are and how you have to keep encouraging them to open gifts,a s they have no problem stopping for long periods of time to play with what they have opened.  Later (if I can get the kids away from their other gifts) we are supposed to meet my sister Sharon and her kids at dynamite hill with their new sleds to go sledding.  Then we go over to her house for Christmas dinner.  We are bringing a turkey, which is roasting in the oven.  A will probably bring it directly to the house if I take the kids sledding because A is not fond of sledding.  So it works alright.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful and amazing Christmas day!!

Gingerbread men and Chirtmas fun.....

So, I know I have been on here quite a bit lately talking about the ups and the downs of raising children with special needs, or rather more accurately, dealing with a world still struggling to accept all people as they are, no matter what their abilities, behavioral/social challenges, or medical status.  So I have not posted much about our Christmas preparations  (Sorry for the lack of pictures, I have not emptied my camera as I can't find the cord to do so, but some pics will be coming soon)....

A couple of weeks ago we put up some outdoor lights and started our nightly advent calendar, which has a great piece of chocolate behind each door.  and one of the things that I greatly appreciate about my children is that they do not try to sneak another candy out of one of the other little windows, the thought never crossed their mind.  They love that nightly ritual of finding the right number, opening the little door, reading the words behind the door, and pulling out that morsel of chocolate to unwrap and enjoy. YUM!

Last weekend I tried a few different cookie recipes--mainly trying to find both a sugar cookie and a gingerbread cookie recipe that we like the flavor and that are easy to work with.  I found a wonderful tasting sugar cookie recipe, and if I do the ball and flatten method they are great--very easy and quick, but cutting them with cookie cutters was a bit more difficult, so a LOT of in and out of the fridge to firm up the dough.  BUT they did make great shapes, held their shape well, and were the best tasting sugar cookie I have had.  So I will make it again. 

Then I found the best light tasting gingerbread cookie recipe (while I like traditional gingerbread, with dark molasses, the kids are not fond of the flavor).  This recipe for gingerbread men is perfect!  It has a nice light ginger flavor, it forms a great dough ball and is very easy to roll out, cut with cookie cutters, and transfer.  I made a dozen and half cookies this weekend (which we all had a blast decorating), and they were all gone by Monday afternoon.

The icing I used for us to decorate with came out beautiful.  It was another recipe I found on http://www.allrecipes.com/ and was shiny, beautiful icing that was easy to work with and dried shiny...and it worked great on both the sugar cookies and the gingerbread men.  Yesterday the kids and I made another 3 dozen gingerbread men cookies (both gingerbread man and snowman shapes), as today is a cookie workshop for grades Pre-K thru 2nd grade at Josiah's school.  So we signed up to send in a couple dozen cookies to decorate.  And at 10:00 I will take the little girl I babysit up to school to join the festivities of cookie decorating.

This weekend we also put up our tree!! Gonzo had a great time decorating.  Josiah however was not keen on it, he hung a couple of ornaments, but was not very interested in it really.  We also put up the tree at A's house.  Again Gonzo was excited to help, and Josiah was not really interested, but did put on a couple of ornaments. 

I have wrapped most of our Christmas gifts, which is a new record for me, usually i have at least half of the gifts still to wrap on Christmas eve, which means short night.  As we will be visiting A's family the 23rd and 24th, and making the 5 hour drive on on Christmas Eve, I did not want a lot of wrapping on top of tat, we need rest before the busy and long day that Christmas often is.  We will be at A's house for the overnight so the kids will wake up there Christmas morning.  While I love having Christmas morning at home, it is A's turn.  It will be fun.

I hope you all are having a wonderful Holiday season.  Happy Hanukkah to all those who have begun celebrating this wondrous 8-day holiday.  And Merry Christmas to all who are enjoying advent and preparing for the celebration of Christ's birth.  And Happy holidays to all others who are celebrating Kwanzaa, Yule, Solstice (TODAY), and all other holiday traditions surrounding this festive time of year!!

Quick weight update

Okay, so I know this blog started off to track my weight loss journey with the unreasonable goal of losing 80 pounds in 80 day way back in March.  While I have realized through this process that weight is not JUST about food and exercise, but rather includes the baggage we carry from our past, the stresses of the present, and how we habitually handle our frustrations and other emotions, I also realize the to get healthy in all areas, I need to put some effort and thought into my food choice.  I recently put a ticker up on the top of the blog.  It starts at my original weight when I started this blog.  I updated it with a weigh in this morning.

So what I have I been doing to assist with  the weight loss over the past few week?

well, first I have been making sure that I eat at least 7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.

Secondly, I have been eating soup (60 calories) or broth (10 calories) as a snack instead of something more calorie dense, and the warmth of soup really makes you feel full and satisfied.

Thirdly I have been trying to drink at least 3 liters of water a day (one through the morning, one through the after noon and one through the evening.

In the last 2 weeks I have lost 4 pounds.  Which given the holiday foods and the munching that I have been doing is pretty good....I will try to get better about doing a weekly weight tracker.

life is BUSY.....

So, life is busy....So I have not taken the time to blog, though  it is cathartic.  Lately I have been going non-stop. 

The renovations of what will become our new house/family child care center have been painfully slow, mainly becasue we have not been abel to start them yet.  The permit process, which I had talked with the building code guy prior to signign the lease papers did not tell me what I neede to know (which is a common problem with him from what I hear, a man who likes to toy with his authority in ways that just make life harder for those tryign to do a project.  damn nepotism in a small town makes it difficult to have him removed, I have heard that there have been multiple attempts with signed petitions, but alas, he is who I have to deal with).  So, anyway, I am not well versed in NYS residential code, so I have no choice but to deal with a rude and intentionally difficult man.  And slowly but surely I am getting closer and closer to getting the darn building permit. then the real fun begins....As it stands, I believe that I will not be finishing until late January at this rate, which is okay, it just means paying for two places for a month longer than I had planned.

I did get the main furnace working finally, and then  had the town turn the water on, only to get sprayed with water as the pressure came up to full and revealed a couple of cracked pipes, so the water is off at the main valve coming into the house until those can be done.  I am not familiar with doing plumbing and was trying to have my father talk me through it, but he said it is best just to let him do it when he has a chance to get in there.  As the work can't start in earnest until the building permit is in (repairs can be done without it), my dad feels it is fine to wait on fixing the water.  I'd like to have the water on though so we have the bathroom if we need it while we are working.  So it is just slow going at the moment.

The process far the day care is also going slow, as the application required a floor plan and an outdoor area diagram, and until I know what those are definitely going to be, i can't submit the application.  I will be taking my First Aid and CPR certification course in a couple of weeks, and then the 16 hours of training required for the licensing in Mid-December.  So that is moving forward slowly.

As I have my computer back, I am trying to get back into my freelance writing work.  I was able do a couple of articles today which if approved will be over $40, which will be nice.  If I could make that each day in addition to the babysitting, I might feel more financially stable.  It is just a matter of hit or miss with assignments, so I never know when I will be able to get them.  And the higher paying ones are scrutinized more thoroughly, so there is a great chance of having to redo them or having them be rejected.  But it is something at least, which is good.

School has been improving for Josiah.  We modified the way his teacher tracks his behavior, and it has made a world of difference.  Before she used the green light, yellow light red light system, which may work fine for children who are typical and on track developmentally.  But for Josiah (and in my opinion for any child) is was not appropriate as there was no way to recover from poor behavior.  So if Josiah got upset and had a tantrum at 8:30am, he was on a red light for the rest of the day, a message telling him that he was bad and there was no way to fix it.  Which just kept him upset for the whole day, made him feel ashamed and self conscious (as it is posted on the wall for all the kids to comment on).  He now has a Frog Chart with 12 faces on it, and as he goes throughout the day he gets a happy face for appropriate behavior and meeting expectations and a sad face for inappropriate acting out/rule breaking.  He has made a complete 180, as he is now able to bring himself back around, and know that one bad moment does not mean he has to feel punished and ashamed all day.  He has had almost all great days since the second day after this change took place.  Yes he still has rough moments once in a while, but his aide says that he is working hard at self soothing, breathing, and getting himself back on track.  He is even doing his actual work there.  I think a big part of the difficulty is that they have never worked with any child with real special needs.  So it has taken a lot of adjustment on every one's part to understand how to work with a child with multiple challenges--physical and the developmental delays in social, emotional, and behavioral aspects that come with that. So overall, there has been dramatic improvement in his school experience, and he seems much more content.  Last week we also started him on alternative PE as they are getting into many things that are impossible for him  (like skipping, hopping, jumping rope, tumbling)  so he is having 1-on-1 PE with the PE teacher and he is loving it.  She is able to tailor his PE to his needs and to working on skills like catching and throwing, kicking (which is extremely difficult for him), right now he is maneuvering his wheelchair to kick down bowling pins, which is great for both improved use and control of his legs, AND for him becoming more independent in his wheelchair use.

Well, it is now 11:40pm and as my alarm goes off at 6:15am (and I seem to never get to bed before midnight) I had best end this post so I can get a few things done before I go to bed.  I have been working hard at keeping the house less cluttered, as it makes life more peaceful, so i have something I want to do before I turn in for the night so we can wake up to a neater and tidier house (not really neat and tidy but better than the perpetual chaos it seemed before--it helps that A's stuff is finally out of here and in A's apartment).

Anyway, signing off for now....

School (old fear dies hard), work and possibly moving to another rental?!?

So I have not really written in a few days.  There are a couple of reasons for that:  First of all my (MY) computer (the wonderful laptop I got for Christmas from K (my best friend for the past 19 years)) is back at HP for some repairs, still under warranty luckily.  So I have been using A's computer, as A is not using it, as there is neither Internet, nor a phone, at my father's house and A is still living there (though I went with A yesterday to see A put down a deposit plus rent on an apartment which will be ready in mid-October or November at the latest--yippee, more stability for my kids as we can get them on a consistent schedule with specific times and space where they can spend with A, and more chance to relax my tension for me).  So that laptop was here as A is here much of the time.  But A's computer is ailing, over the past year and a half there are vertical lines that have slowly been moving up the screen.  You can still see everything fine, but the color is subdued.  So for writing and such it is fine (thought watching netflix on it is not so good).  However, lately the cord has been iffy--it only connects some of the time, and about 5 days ago, stopped working all together.  So I have been using my ancient desktop, which is slower than death, has about 17 quarantined viruses on it, and that I use mainly for the kids educational and fun computer games.  It is a lesson in patience, and practice in grace to use the Internet with this computer.  As it can take 5 minutes or longer to open a web page, or to switch from one email to the next.  So I have not had the time to write much lately.  So my freelance writing this month is likely to be a big fat $0, as I can't do the work fast enough to ensure that I will get the research done and the articles written within the deadlines, so I have not been able to accept any assignments, which is annoying. 

I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far).  He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out.  He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to.  I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace.  It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him.  The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him.   His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to.  I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right.  Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before.  HE is doing great with it though.  I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today.  I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:

"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1^st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.”  "

This email really made my day, as he has been having a rough time of it in the classroom.  They have a red, yellow, green light motif for helping kids (and their parents) gauge their behaviour.  His first two days, he had a red light, the 3rd day it was yellow, and last Friday it was green--yippee!!  This week, Monday was a red light (he even hit and swore at the Sp Ed teacher, who is one of the kindest people I have ever met).  Then Tuesday was a green light, nearly PERFECT day.  Then today was a red light.  Today he was not feeling well.  He woke up with a cough and a stuffy nose, and while he seemed tired, he seemed otherwise okay, so I sent him to school.  But his assistant said that he was really irritable all day and wanted to be held (which usually means he is not feeling well).  He seemed to get worse as the evening wore on, so he is coming down with something, and I noticed he is having difficulty swallowing, so I think his throat is sore.  Even now I can hear him coughing.  I have checked on him a few times since putting him to bed and he is sleeping restlessly. So he is definitely coming down with something.  I will be keeping him home tomorrow so that he can rest, which means no aquatic PT either as that is now on Thursday evening.  He is supposed to have dental surgery next week (this nemesis of a surgery I have been working towards sine July 2010), but if he has a cold or even the hint of a cold, the pulmonary doctor said not to chance the anesthesia (which I totally agree with given his lung issues).  So unless he makes a spectacular overnight recovery, I believe we will be canceling next week's surgery, which means another 4-6 month wait, as that is how far out they schedule dental surgery for that office.  In some ways that may not be too bad, as he has to go under general anesthesia (GA) in October for a 3 hour MRI of his brain, as the neurosurgeon wants to evaluate how the fluid is moving through his brain as there is the possibility that his hydrocephalus may not be as stable as we thought.  So that will give more time between going under GA, which might be safer for him. 

I have something to admit, something I am a bit ashamed of--I have to fight myself hard everyday over old preconceived notions about his teacher and assistant, based on experiences from nearly 20 years ago.  I pride myself on having an open mind, being patient and kind, and on giving people the benefit of the doubt, and on the desire to forgive people for the mistakes they have made that have hurt me (either directly or through hurting the people I love).  I have found that I have a box of old memories, crap that happened 16-20 years ago in regards to these two individuals that are now such an intregal part of my sons life (the old issues are not related so two separate issues with two separate people).  I have found that I have to keep checking myself to not let my hurt and fear from those long past experiences cloud my vision and my interactions with them today, in the here and now.  I am ashamed to admit that I have held on to old crap, and am seeking a way to forgive pain that is two decades old so that I can see clearly now and be able to give them the benefit of the doubt as they work daily and intensely with one of the most important people in my life, my beloved Josiah.  So please take my fears about Kindergarten for my son with a grain of salt and know that I am struggling with separating old from new.  And say a prayer for me that this will be a growing experience for me and my spirit as I learn to let go and forgive old grievances....

 Overall though, the kindergarten teacher and his assistant (as well as the other people he works with) have been trying very hard.  They are definitely not used to a child with his special needs --both physical and behavioral.  And many of his behaviors stem from three sources--1) according to the tests done last spring, he is functioning (emotional, social, behavioral) on average at a 24 month level but with some ares much higher (good old standardized tests--make NO sense for a child with brain damage, they only give truly useful information about neurotypical children)--which I had missed when talking with the social worker who did the assessment, as they told me he is doing fine and should do well in Kindergarten with a 1:1 (I just reviewed his IEP again last week); 2) his physical impairment has left him unable to do some of the things the other kids are able to do (write independently, color in the lines, drawn simple shapes, etc...) so he is Very frustrated and I think embarrassed (given the way he hides his face when he is asked about it) that he can't do it, which leads to acting out, trying to be the class clown, or being outright defiant and contrary (I used to call Gonzo my contrary canary, but that can go to Josiah now); and 3) He has Gonzo as his primary kid role model, and he imitates Gonzo's behavior to a "t", something I have tried to talk with him about, and to ask him to watch the other kids and try to do what they do, as it is a great group of kids he is with in Kindergarten, and I think he can find good peer role models there, whereas his brother is NOT a person he should be imitating or learning habits from.  

Added to his issues is the fact that the kindergarten teacher is not known for her empathy towards kids with behavioral issues (told to me from other soucres more current than my own memories), and I really try hard to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has grown and matured as an educator from the time that I knew her when she was just starting out and my youngest siblings had her for a teacher (I am 9 and 12 years older than my two youngest siblings, so I was nearly an adult when she was my brother's Kindergarten teacher).   I also have a bit of a knee jerk reaction from the experiences we had with Gonzo in Kindergarten (totally different school district over 3 hours from here), which resulted in my pulling him out and homeschooling the second part of Kindergarten (back in our old town). I do not want to homeschool either of the kids, as I really believe that peer and social interaction is vital to their development, and learning to trust and rely on other adults is beneficial to their ability to reach outside themselves and their family for new experiences and growth.  However in Gonzo's case he was actually being both emotionally and physically mistreated (we heard from multiple witnesses, none of whom were wiling to speak out publically on that tyrant of a teacher or cross her as those who had suffered greatly I am told).  So to protect Gonzo we home schooled him for that second half of Kindergarten, and he did great.  This is a different teacher, but I remember clearly some of the things that occurred with my brother and my sister, who at the time were small, young, scared children dealing with the breakup of their parents (something that Josiah and Gonzo are still going through as A and I are still getting settled into our new roles--it takes a few years for life to be stable again after a break up of a family), and the instability that brings.  And she had no understanding or compassion for what the kids may be going through emotionally or any understanding that some acting out is because the kids already have stress they are dealing with and when they are trying to conform, but not doing it fast enough or well enough for a particular teacher, the stress becomes more than such a young child can bear.  SO while I am sure this teacher has grown and matured in many ways as an educator, I am beginning to wonder if she has learned to have compassion for kids who have struggles that are bigger than trying to figure out how to spell.  Josiah has SO much on his plate before he even walks through the door--his physical limitations, his newness to this strict of an environment, his struggles with a very challenging brother at home, his struggles with the shifts his family has had over the past year and a half with the separation of his parents, AND facing a Kindergarten curriculum which for some reason appears to be difficult to adapt to his physical limitations.   I know they are trying--trying to meet him where he is, trying to help him find his place in this new world of Kindergarten, trying to figure out how to bring him into the fold and help him find more positive ways to express himself--I DO know they are trying.  It is glaringly obvious thought that they are very unaccustomed to working with children who have special needs, as they do not have the patience that is learned from working with children who take longer to do everything.  They want him to adjust as quickly as a typical child adjusts, and that is just not possible, life is slower for him, his brain is damaged, it needs to create new pathways as the inate pathways were destroyed during and soon after birth for so many things, not just his motor development.  Laying new neurological pathwyas takes time, compassion, and repetition. 

Hopefully THEY will allow HIM to teach them a few of the life lessons that he has taught so many people.  Hopefully they will have hearts and minds that are open enough to receive the gifts that he can bring to them as they work with him.  Hopefully they will find the patience (also called long-suffering, which I understand now) that can be shared and beneficial to all of their future students.  Hopefully they will see the diamond in the rough, and be able to nurture and teach him and his classmates.  I would love to say that week two has been great, and while I definitely feel better about it than week 1, there is a learning curve--both for him and for them--that is undetermined at this time.  I will keep praying, keep communicating, and keep working with him (and them) to help there be more consistency between home and school, so that he can learn faster.  He is a resilient little boy, and I want him to grow and shine.  I do not want to see his spirit broken like my sister's and my brother's were at such a young age.  His spirit can shine, and I have to both protect him AND give these teachers the benefit of the doubt, that 20 years CAN make a difference, and that they now know how to build children up into the students they want to see, rather than tear them down so they submit to what they are told.  Good old Harry Chapin's song, which has the following two lines (in different parts of the song) ..."Flowers are Red, green leaves are green, there's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen....{story here}....There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the rising sun, so many colors in the flowers, and I see every one....".  I just keep praying that these teachers see the rainbow and teach the children to see the rainbow, rather than insisting on red flowers in neat rows....

Well, enough about fears, both new and based on really old crap that I did not even realize was hanging out in my subconscious memory...on to a more pleasant note.  I have found a steady source of income that allows me to be there when I need to for my kids and has some flexibility built in.  I am doing child care again.  As per NYS law, I can only have 2 kids (other than my own) in my home with the legally exempt approval I have.  To take more children I will have to go through the process of becoming a registered daycare provider.  This is something I have thought of doing for a long time now, especially since I WAS a daycare worker and nursery school teacher in CT for 5 years in the 1990's.  So I DO know what it i is like to care for multiple small children, and I actually do love it (thought it is exhausting).  So I called the Childcare network today and am getting the ball rolling (takes 2-6 months to get licenced).  My apartment is really rather small, and with my two and the two I am watching now, it is rather crowded.  I did talk to my landlord today about it, and he has some concerns but is quite willing to work with me on it.  He and I are both concerned about the neighbors who rents the other half of the duplex, an elderly couple who may not like having multiple kids around.  Which would be a problem.  I did tell the landlord that I am also considering finding a larger place, a single family home, which would allow me to set up and provide a better space for a daycare.  He does not have anything available and thanked me for letting him know that I may be moving.  Overall, he was very supportive either way, which is good.  With the two I have now, I have the 2 year old 27 hours a week and the 6 year old after school for a total of 10 hours a week.  I make about $100 (I know, it is really low, but around here, people really can NOT afford more).  So I figure that if I have 4 children over 25 hours a week, I can bring in about $300 a week, which will be enough to live on.  If I have time I can continue with the freelance writing (or just go back to free writing), and do little jobs on the side to have additional income.  That would be my best bet.  I have called on a 4 bedroom house that is for rent, and am waiting to hear back from the owner as to whether they would allow me to run a family home daycare in their rental (I would pay the liability and daycare insurance of course).  If they are willing and accept me as a tenant, then I will be able to get the business up and running faster, which would be good. 

So if anyone wants to send up some prayers, please do so, for Josiah's kindergarten to work out well all around, for Gonzo to continue to do well in his schoool setting, for me to be able to let go, for provision for my family (I would be grateful if you can donate even a quarter or a dollar to my family's basic needs if you wish by clicking on the box at the top of the right hand column), prayers for finding the right space for us to live and run this daycare center, and prayers that everything falls into place as it should.

My baby is 5 tomorrow--8/8

Today we had a family birthday party for Josiah at my mom's house, with my most of my family.  Josiah was in his glory, he loves birthdays and he loves to be the center of attention, so for him it was like heaven.  He wanted a fish cake, so I did my best to make a cake shaped like a fish.  It came out alright, not great, but it was definitely a fish, and he was happy.  My mom has pics on her camera and I will post them when she emails them to me. 

I was not there the day he was born, and his arrival was not heralded with fanfare and joy.  His birth was very early and traumatic, and was to an overwhelmed young mother who already had 5 boys at the age of 25, who had sought to abort him just two short weeks before only to be told she was too far along.  He had so many issues with his early birth, and so few supports and so few people looking out for him. He was born at 28 weeks, 12 weeks too early and had many, many complications.  My sister had twins at 30 weeks, who had a large family there to love and support them, visit them, pray for them, hold them, love them....Josiah had no one but the hospital staff.  His mother signed him over to the adoption agency right away, and the social worker visited him once when the papers were signed, and entrusted his care to the hospital.  I just think about how difficult life was for the twins during that early time, when life and earth were so close to each other in such a young little body, and how they had the energy of love and family as well as the support of the hospital to help them through.  And they had many fewer issues than Josiah did (they are 13years old now and both amazing kids, with no complications (aside from my niece's eye problem with one eye that has done what Josiah's eye is doing). 

I look at this amazing little boy, and realize how absolutely blessed I am to have become his parent.  He is my joy, my heart beat, my purpose....I sometimes feel like I was entrusted with one of the greatest gifts that God has ever put on this earth when I look at this child, and God trusted ME enough to take responsibility for protecting him, teaching him, raising him....Does everyone feel that way about their child?  This old soul in a broken body with a tremendous spirit was entrusted to me, and he has become my purpose for being.  So many days I feel like God created me specifically for this--to bring this gift up into adulthood, to guard and protect him, to love and cherish him, and to help him find his way.  There are many other things I had done in my life and many things I will do after Josiah is grown, but I fell in my heart of hearts, that this boy is one of my primary purposes for existing. 

I haven't shared that with many people, mainly because I think some would come running with the white coats and calling for padded rooms.  Other would think I was just plain nuts (rather  than of the padded room variety nuts), and still others may think I am over dramatic, or putting too much emphasis on my son, or thinking too much of myself, or whatever.  So normally I keep these thoughts to myself, but today, I decided to share them, and share them publicly no less.  Because I am so proud that my son is 5 years old tomorrow.  In a few months we will celebrate the first time I met him as a tiny baby ready to be released from the hospital after 2 1/2 months, then I will remember the absolute hell and terror those first few months with him, and all of the amazing people that showed their love and support, including my dear friend and Reverend Jacquie, who drove an hour and a half to the hospital to baptize him in the middle of the night when we were not sure he would make it through the night (about 10 days after he came home), and my mother and Jim, and A's mother and sister who all came that same night each driving over 3 hours through the middle of the night to be there with us.

But little man is going to be five tomorrow, and what an amazing boy he is....

(my niece Savanna took this pic of him tonight at my mom's house.  It is a silly picture and I love his one eyebrow raised looked...)

Forming habits....breaking habits

Well, so....

My son says that all the time "well, so...."  and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from.  Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it.  I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it.  I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else.  It is just something that I say unconsciously.  Funny the way the mind works....

Anyway, SO....Habits!

Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives.  Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit.  That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day.  Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns.  From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.

According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "

According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."


Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.

So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc...  And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions.  If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last.  For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months.  Well that is a great accomplishment.  But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking.  It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful.  You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later.  I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.

I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits.  They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action.  I believe that it is possible that both of these are true.  There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you.  I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you.  It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it.  It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that.  The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.

So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie.  Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit.  So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning.  This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.

The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts.  What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes. 

So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today."  Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!"  and it is a sense of wondering and joy.  More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?" 

Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in.  Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action.  For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real. 

I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now.  And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true.  There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later.  Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime.  And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job).  So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation.  Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival.  Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do.  So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light.  He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.

It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with.  It was not even leaving my job that created it.  It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
 having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives.  BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits.  If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different.  If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered.  If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have  occurred.  If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different.  IF......if.......if.......

But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you  handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)

My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been.  Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat.  It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us.  our habits create our habitat.  To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....

It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to.  Transformation appears to be a slow process....