Gratitude, and the expression and deep feeling of gratitude, is one of the most transformative powers in the universe. As my life feels "stuck" in so many areas right now, it has come to my attention that I have not been spending enough time expressing and feeling gratitude, and too much time allowing worries and fears take over. SO I am committing right now, today, that right NOW and for the next 28 days I will count my blessings. For 28 days I will list ten things each day that I am thankful for, and WHY I am thankful for those things.
However they will be on my Gratitude blog, so each day I will post the link to that day's gratitude list on this blog (rather than re-blog it all over the place). So today's gratitude list can be found by clicking here on my gratitude blog.
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Okay...the first day of the rest of my life
I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time. You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life". OH...I have added a page to this blog that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).
I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:
1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle. It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief. I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind). I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is). I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return. Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge. I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life. For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.
2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace.
3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled. So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.
4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.
5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear. It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart. So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings. i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life. Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.
I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:
1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle. It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief. I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind). I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is). I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return. Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge. I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life. For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.
2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace.
3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled. So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.
4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.
5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear. It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart. So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings. i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life. Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms, moms-to-be, foster moms, mother figures, stand-in moms, and moms-sometime-later-in-the-future. I hope that your day is filled with sunshine, that your children and thoughts of your children are shiny and rosy, and that you know how much you are appreciated. Mothering often feels like a thankless job in so many ways, and it is good to have a day to remember to say thank you to your own mother. And also say thank you to yourselves.
For all the things moms do:
from cleaning dirty diapers and middle of the night feedings,
to cleaning up the messy game room and feeding all of your crazy friends
from snuggles in the rocking chair and watching you sleep, thinking you look like an angel,
to snuggling together on the couch with a movie, and letting you sleep in on a Saturday.
from laughing as you finger painted the whole table and giving you kisses on your boo boos (both real and imagined,
to cheering you on in your theater, sport, music, or art event and holding you while you cried about a crush,
from proudly seeing you off to kindergarten (and quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
to celebrating your graduation from high school and your next steps into adult hood (while quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
from going to all your school plays and concerts, even though the quality left a lot to be desired, AND for being genuinely impressed and proud of how great you all did,
to posting and reposting on facebook all of your achievements as an adult as if they should be front page news.
To all the Love that moms give, even when they are grumpy and tired, even when they do not agree with your life choices, even when they think you are making a mistake
May you have a blessed day.
And to my Mom--
(here is my mom, click to hear her music!!)
Thank you for all that you do, everyday in every situation, for being there for me, and for not always saying "I told you so" even when you could have.
For all the things moms do:
from cleaning dirty diapers and middle of the night feedings,
to cleaning up the messy game room and feeding all of your crazy friends
from snuggles in the rocking chair and watching you sleep, thinking you look like an angel,
to snuggling together on the couch with a movie, and letting you sleep in on a Saturday.
from laughing as you finger painted the whole table and giving you kisses on your boo boos (both real and imagined,
to cheering you on in your theater, sport, music, or art event and holding you while you cried about a crush,
from proudly seeing you off to kindergarten (and quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
to celebrating your graduation from high school and your next steps into adult hood (while quietly wiping away tears about how fast you are growing up)
from going to all your school plays and concerts, even though the quality left a lot to be desired, AND for being genuinely impressed and proud of how great you all did,
to posting and reposting on facebook all of your achievements as an adult as if they should be front page news.
To all the Love that moms give, even when they are grumpy and tired, even when they do not agree with your life choices, even when they think you are making a mistake
May you have a blessed day.
And to my Mom--
(here is my mom, click to hear her music!!)
Thank you for all that you do, everyday in every situation, for being there for me, and for not always saying "I told you so" even when you could have.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Life is good.....
Ya Know.....even when life it stressful, life is still good. There have been a great many things lately that I have been thinking about, which seems to always be my state of being...I am a thinker....I think ALL the time...and I enjoy thinking.
Thinking is not the same as worrying...or stressing....or anything that adds negativity to my life.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about many of the experiences currently in my life that do not resonate with my inner being, those things which do not feel good to me on a deeper sense. A couple of weeks ago I defined some of those things in my post "Relieving Stress........!?!". I have been focusing on what feeling I WANT to have and imagining what experiences would help to bring those feelings into my daily life experience. I had detailed some of those in the post I mentioned, and have actively been working on allowing those experiences to enter my reality, doing what I can to open the door to experiencing better feeling things.
So this is the list of experiences I am opening my life to as per the post on February 1, and the ways in which things are moving in the right direction mentioned under each one:
1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
--Funds were generously donated that has greatly helped towards this goal...allowing me and the kids to remain in our apartment for another month while we finish the house, which will give us a much smoother transition overall. Some of the funds also helped alleviate some of the stress around a particular problem that I had not budgeted for and was completely unexpected....so yes, it is a hit that will impact my ability to buy flooring, it is far less stressful because the funds to cover it are available.
2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
--With this I am just continuing to breathe and be grateful for whatever help is given in moving the project closer to completion. Every little bit helps, and it is coming together. I just have to focus on the finished project and know that it will be done in time to make a smooth move over there prior to the Ides of March.
3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
--This I am learning to be patient with this, knowing that as the house is nearing completion I will soon be able to have my inspections and open the childcare center.
4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
--Well, they have been behaving better...
5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
--My car is now repaired and inspected, thanks to my step father. I am very glad to have this nice blue sticker on my windshield that says my car is safe and legal.
6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
--I'm thinking about how to work on this one, stayed up late last night thinking about this one (haha...just kidding). I'll get there someday.....
7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
--I have reduced the amount of processed food that were in my grocery cart last week (almost none--just cereal, granola bars, and goldfish crackers--all for the kids, and a few cans of soup and stuff) and increased the amount of fresh and frozen vegetables. I have also started drinking my green smoothies (Click) for breakfast again with 2 oz of lean turkey on the side. I think I am going to stick with the simple blending I did today and only add other flavors once in a while. The simple and fine tasting smoothie recipe is: 2 stalks celery, 1 1/2 cups chopped kale, 1 medium size apple, 3 Tbs lemon Juice, 1 Tbs Flax seed, 1 Tbs Spirulina, 5 ice cubes, and 10 oz water. Blend to desired consistency and then drink (today I did not blend enough and had to eat part of it with a spoon as it was very dense). The taste is not bad, and once you get used to it it tastes pretty good. But it makes you feel great. That is a lot of raw plant matter, which has lots of nutrients---very refreshing!!! I am also going back to following a more calorie reduced diet (1800 calories) with limited processed carbohydrates (no bread, crackers, pasta, other processed grains--only rice, oats, potatoes, corn--whole food grains), and unprocessed meats or legumes. I have gotten away from focusing on my physical health, and being overweight, not eating right, not exercising really does have an effect on everything in life. If my body does not feel good, my attitude is poorer, my patience is thinner, my ability to visualize is weaker, and my overall sense of well being is muted. So I am bringing physical health back into the forefront for a while.
8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
--I have been doing a little family therapy with the boys once a week for the past 4 weeks, and the therapist also runs an over eaters/emotional eaters therapy group. I think I am going to start going to that, and meet some people who struggle with some of the things I struggle with so we can move out of it. I am hoping that this will also help to make friendship connections with one or two of the women in the group.
9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
--Still working on this, A has been great about taking the kids so that I can work on the house or go to appointments. I think I am going to try to arrange that whatever day the over eaters group is on, that the kids stay with A for that night and get on the bus there in the morning, so that I can find a more socially oriented group or club to join down in the little city without having to rush back (the city is an hour away, so evening groups or meeting normally do not work out for me).
10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.
--I have found an interesting online community (its called Second Life) that offers a LOT of different things, most of which I have no desire to explore. I have never really been interested in joining a virtual reality world, as some of the things I have read and seen about them are pretty out there. And while this one does have some really out there stuff, it also has some really great and down to earth people and places. One of the things they do have are some great spiritual places where I can connect with others on similar spiritual paths for conversation, as well as libraries in world that have great spiritual guidance works, places for meditation, and just overall a way to release and explore. I also have done some socializing on other parts of the community (it is like a whole new world, with a wide variety of destinations, themes, games, and ways to connect). I have actually met one person who is a great conversationalist, and I have enjoyed building on online friendship. It has been a while since I have had such stimulating conversation--philosophy, human nature, the power of mind, great books, society in general--we have conversed on a large number of topics. I doubt we will be able to have conversation over coffee anytime in the near future as she and her husband live in France. But it has been great getting to know her and having great conversation, it releases a lot of tension and frees my spirit.
So, yeah....I have been thinking, and following those thought up with action. Life is what we make it, and the way we perceive it. I am continuing to improve both my perception of my life and the experiences that set forth to bring into my life. Every day is a new day to begin again, and move forward....
Thinking is not the same as worrying...or stressing....or anything that adds negativity to my life.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about many of the experiences currently in my life that do not resonate with my inner being, those things which do not feel good to me on a deeper sense. A couple of weeks ago I defined some of those things in my post "Relieving Stress........!?!". I have been focusing on what feeling I WANT to have and imagining what experiences would help to bring those feelings into my daily life experience. I had detailed some of those in the post I mentioned, and have actively been working on allowing those experiences to enter my reality, doing what I can to open the door to experiencing better feeling things.
So this is the list of experiences I am opening my life to as per the post on February 1, and the ways in which things are moving in the right direction mentioned under each one:
1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
--Funds were generously donated that has greatly helped towards this goal...allowing me and the kids to remain in our apartment for another month while we finish the house, which will give us a much smoother transition overall. Some of the funds also helped alleviate some of the stress around a particular problem that I had not budgeted for and was completely unexpected....so yes, it is a hit that will impact my ability to buy flooring, it is far less stressful because the funds to cover it are available.
2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
--With this I am just continuing to breathe and be grateful for whatever help is given in moving the project closer to completion. Every little bit helps, and it is coming together. I just have to focus on the finished project and know that it will be done in time to make a smooth move over there prior to the Ides of March.
3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
--This I am learning to be patient with this, knowing that as the house is nearing completion I will soon be able to have my inspections and open the childcare center.
4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
--Well, they have been behaving better...
5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
--My car is now repaired and inspected, thanks to my step father. I am very glad to have this nice blue sticker on my windshield that says my car is safe and legal.
6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
--I'm thinking about how to work on this one, stayed up late last night thinking about this one (haha...just kidding). I'll get there someday.....
7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
--I have reduced the amount of processed food that were in my grocery cart last week (almost none--just cereal, granola bars, and goldfish crackers--all for the kids, and a few cans of soup and stuff) and increased the amount of fresh and frozen vegetables. I have also started drinking my green smoothies (Click) for breakfast again with 2 oz of lean turkey on the side. I think I am going to stick with the simple blending I did today and only add other flavors once in a while. The simple and fine tasting smoothie recipe is: 2 stalks celery, 1 1/2 cups chopped kale, 1 medium size apple, 3 Tbs lemon Juice, 1 Tbs Flax seed, 1 Tbs Spirulina, 5 ice cubes, and 10 oz water. Blend to desired consistency and then drink (today I did not blend enough and had to eat part of it with a spoon as it was very dense). The taste is not bad, and once you get used to it it tastes pretty good. But it makes you feel great. That is a lot of raw plant matter, which has lots of nutrients---very refreshing!!! I am also going back to following a more calorie reduced diet (1800 calories) with limited processed carbohydrates (no bread, crackers, pasta, other processed grains--only rice, oats, potatoes, corn--whole food grains), and unprocessed meats or legumes. I have gotten away from focusing on my physical health, and being overweight, not eating right, not exercising really does have an effect on everything in life. If my body does not feel good, my attitude is poorer, my patience is thinner, my ability to visualize is weaker, and my overall sense of well being is muted. So I am bringing physical health back into the forefront for a while.
8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
--I have been doing a little family therapy with the boys once a week for the past 4 weeks, and the therapist also runs an over eaters/emotional eaters therapy group. I think I am going to start going to that, and meet some people who struggle with some of the things I struggle with so we can move out of it. I am hoping that this will also help to make friendship connections with one or two of the women in the group.
9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
--Still working on this, A has been great about taking the kids so that I can work on the house or go to appointments. I think I am going to try to arrange that whatever day the over eaters group is on, that the kids stay with A for that night and get on the bus there in the morning, so that I can find a more socially oriented group or club to join down in the little city without having to rush back (the city is an hour away, so evening groups or meeting normally do not work out for me).
10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.
--I have found an interesting online community (its called Second Life) that offers a LOT of different things, most of which I have no desire to explore. I have never really been interested in joining a virtual reality world, as some of the things I have read and seen about them are pretty out there. And while this one does have some really out there stuff, it also has some really great and down to earth people and places. One of the things they do have are some great spiritual places where I can connect with others on similar spiritual paths for conversation, as well as libraries in world that have great spiritual guidance works, places for meditation, and just overall a way to release and explore. I also have done some socializing on other parts of the community (it is like a whole new world, with a wide variety of destinations, themes, games, and ways to connect). I have actually met one person who is a great conversationalist, and I have enjoyed building on online friendship. It has been a while since I have had such stimulating conversation--philosophy, human nature, the power of mind, great books, society in general--we have conversed on a large number of topics. I doubt we will be able to have conversation over coffee anytime in the near future as she and her husband live in France. But it has been great getting to know her and having great conversation, it releases a lot of tension and frees my spirit.
So, yeah....I have been thinking, and following those thought up with action. Life is what we make it, and the way we perceive it. I am continuing to improve both my perception of my life and the experiences that set forth to bring into my life. Every day is a new day to begin again, and move forward....
Monday, February 6, 2012
Ask and it IS Given!!
WOW!! God is Good! I have been squashed under stress lately as my time to be out of the apartment was quickly approaching (2/15) and the house is not going be be done for at least 3-4 weeks, and I did not have the funds to stay in the apartment AND finish the house. So limbo was approaching quickly. I have been trying to find ways to relax about this forthcoming chaos, and to be open to accepting whatever comes. I have been focusing on seeing and feeling myself calm and at peace, seeking to embrace a knowing that everything is going to be okay, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. Using the Law of Attraction and the Deliberate Creation that is discussed in the "Ask and It is Given!" book by Esther and Jerry Hicks.
About 10 days ago I put a Chip-in fundraiser link on my website and blog seeking help in bridging this time and money gap. Today I got a huge donation from some old and beloved friends that I have not seen in over a decade. Their generosity has blessed my family so that we do NOT have to be out of the apartment before the house is done, and I should have most of the funds needed to buy the last of the materials for the renovations (maybe even flooring!!). So I feel richly blessed by the people who have helped with this project. My father and brother have put in so much time. Ursula (the owner of the property) has been so flexible and understanding though all the obstacles. Andre has been great about being with the boys so that I can spend the evenings working on eh house. My mom and Jim have been very supportive and helpful, and will be helping a great deal over the next couple of weeks as we do the electric. I am so grateful to everyone who has helped and supported me in this projects and am so grateful that there are people who are able and willing to extend a helping hand to help others meet their needs AND reach for their dreams.
I am richly blessed!!
About 10 days ago I put a Chip-in fundraiser link on my website and blog seeking help in bridging this time and money gap. Today I got a huge donation from some old and beloved friends that I have not seen in over a decade. Their generosity has blessed my family so that we do NOT have to be out of the apartment before the house is done, and I should have most of the funds needed to buy the last of the materials for the renovations (maybe even flooring!!). So I feel richly blessed by the people who have helped with this project. My father and brother have put in so much time. Ursula (the owner of the property) has been so flexible and understanding though all the obstacles. Andre has been great about being with the boys so that I can spend the evenings working on eh house. My mom and Jim have been very supportive and helpful, and will be helping a great deal over the next couple of weeks as we do the electric. I am so grateful to everyone who has helped and supported me in this projects and am so grateful that there are people who are able and willing to extend a helping hand to help others meet their needs AND reach for their dreams.
I am richly blessed!!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Has it really been a whole week!...
Wow!! Has it really been a whole week since I last posted!!
Life has been gloriously busy--The renovations are moving forward at about the pace they have been. The framing is almost completed, the plumbing is coming together, and the electric will be tackled soon. Then the three preliminary inspections can be approved, and we can finish her. That is something I am looking forward to with great relief and appreciation.
I have also completed the Health and Safety Training course required for the day care licensing procedure. I still have my basic routine, developmentally appropriate teaching, and discipline plans still to complete and send in. I have some issues with brevity, and am trying to figure out how to respond to the inquiries in the application packet that both satisfies what I want to say AND fits in the small space they provide for the answers. Aside from that and getting their medical forms to my doctor and the kids doctor to sign off, I just have the floor plan layout and evacuation route plan, which I hesitate to finish until after the framing inspection in case we need to alter anything. So it is mostly just paperwork left. I do need to update my First Aid and CPR certification, but that is a one day course. So there is still a bunch to do, but the end of the tunnel is in sight.
The kids are doing well. Gonzo is going to be Student of the Month in his class (the teacher emailed me yesterday), as he has been having an outstanding month, many Outstanding Day Orange ratings for the month. Josiah has been doing great with school lately. He still has some outbursts but, they seems to be less intense, less frequent, and the teachers have been able to help him turn the corner and come back into a better frame of mind. He also has been doing more academic work, and they have been scribing more for him, which makes a difference.
Josiah also had another dentist appointment yesterday, and he did great!! We have one final appointment to fix the last of the issues, and the hardest ones. So next Thursday will be the last treatment in a long nearly 2 year saga of getting his dental work done. Dr. Baim has been incredible with him. I am very pleased with how comfortable she makes him feel.
I also have been doing some cleaning at the apartment, since my lease is technically up on February 15th. I deep cleaned the bathroom the other day, replaced the toilet seat, which I have been meaning to do for a while now, and scrubbed behind and under everything, I even washed the walls and door. So, one room down. I also have been sorting and packing the boys clothes so that the only thing we have to move at the last minute are the sets of clothes they wear to school. If I can get a bunch of packing and sorting done now, then the move in 3 weeks will go much better, especially if we have not gotten the certificate of occupancy by then and the boys have to live with A for a couple of weeks while we finish the house.
Speaking of A, we had a great visit this weekend with A's sister who came for an overnight visit. It was great to see her, and the boys love her dearly. A has been doing okay. One client has left the area though, and so A's caseload dropped, and is a bit worried about making ends meet. Hopefully a couple of people will be added soon, so that that A will not have to worry. A has also been great about taking the kids, though not without some guilt-tripping, it has been a good thing to know the kids are safe and having fun while I am spending many evenings working on the new place for them.
So that is a basic recap of what I have been rolling with over the past week. I am looking forward to a highly productive week/weekend to get as much done as possible on the house. If we can get the preliminary inspections next week, the walls and finishing should come together pretty quickly. I hope to post more than once a week, so hopefully I'll have a short update for you all over the weekend.
Life has been gloriously busy--The renovations are moving forward at about the pace they have been. The framing is almost completed, the plumbing is coming together, and the electric will be tackled soon. Then the three preliminary inspections can be approved, and we can finish her. That is something I am looking forward to with great relief and appreciation.
I have also completed the Health and Safety Training course required for the day care licensing procedure. I still have my basic routine, developmentally appropriate teaching, and discipline plans still to complete and send in. I have some issues with brevity, and am trying to figure out how to respond to the inquiries in the application packet that both satisfies what I want to say AND fits in the small space they provide for the answers. Aside from that and getting their medical forms to my doctor and the kids doctor to sign off, I just have the floor plan layout and evacuation route plan, which I hesitate to finish until after the framing inspection in case we need to alter anything. So it is mostly just paperwork left. I do need to update my First Aid and CPR certification, but that is a one day course. So there is still a bunch to do, but the end of the tunnel is in sight.
The kids are doing well. Gonzo is going to be Student of the Month in his class (the teacher emailed me yesterday), as he has been having an outstanding month, many Outstanding Day Orange ratings for the month. Josiah has been doing great with school lately. He still has some outbursts but, they seems to be less intense, less frequent, and the teachers have been able to help him turn the corner and come back into a better frame of mind. He also has been doing more academic work, and they have been scribing more for him, which makes a difference.
Josiah also had another dentist appointment yesterday, and he did great!! We have one final appointment to fix the last of the issues, and the hardest ones. So next Thursday will be the last treatment in a long nearly 2 year saga of getting his dental work done. Dr. Baim has been incredible with him. I am very pleased with how comfortable she makes him feel.
I also have been doing some cleaning at the apartment, since my lease is technically up on February 15th. I deep cleaned the bathroom the other day, replaced the toilet seat, which I have been meaning to do for a while now, and scrubbed behind and under everything, I even washed the walls and door. So, one room down. I also have been sorting and packing the boys clothes so that the only thing we have to move at the last minute are the sets of clothes they wear to school. If I can get a bunch of packing and sorting done now, then the move in 3 weeks will go much better, especially if we have not gotten the certificate of occupancy by then and the boys have to live with A for a couple of weeks while we finish the house.
Speaking of A, we had a great visit this weekend with A's sister who came for an overnight visit. It was great to see her, and the boys love her dearly. A has been doing okay. One client has left the area though, and so A's caseload dropped, and is a bit worried about making ends meet. Hopefully a couple of people will be added soon, so that that A will not have to worry. A has also been great about taking the kids, though not without some guilt-tripping, it has been a good thing to know the kids are safe and having fun while I am spending many evenings working on the new place for them.
So that is a basic recap of what I have been rolling with over the past week. I am looking forward to a highly productive week/weekend to get as much done as possible on the house. If we can get the preliminary inspections next week, the walls and finishing should come together pretty quickly. I hope to post more than once a week, so hopefully I'll have a short update for you all over the weekend.
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Year, A New Start
Well, the holiday week certainly kept me busy. Part of that was this little thing called a Kindle that A got for me.....So I have read five books since Christmas (I know that is a bit excessive). I am so excited about how easy it is to get a book. I just need to watch my budget and use the library and free collections more often than buying a new book, or else my basic life will suffer.
My house is still a wreck. Although I have been working all week in addition to reading, I have also started work (or rather my father has started) on the actual renovating of the new house. The tear down phase is pretty much done, just a couple of damaged ceiling areas to tear down still. The main wall for the boys rooms went up yesterday. I can not help much during this framing, electrical and plumbing stage, as I have minimal knowledge about how to do those three things. It would slow him down too much to be teaching me as we go because I am struggling to pay for two homes at the same time, so finishing as quickly as we can is important. After the framing, electrical and plumbing inspection, then we can put up the sheet rock at which point I can actually be of use. I CAN sheet rock, tape, spackle, paint, and then deal with flooring and molding. Then we can have the final inspection, get our CO and move in. Then I can give this apartment a thorough cleaning, and be done here. I also am looking forward to having a child care area that is separate from the main living and sleeping area of my home. It will be easier to design educational and fulfilling activities for the kids I care for, and will be able to keep my own children's stuff more protected and private, as the child care kids will not have access to their rooms. Here is so small that the kids use the living room/kitchen and the boys bedroom for playing as there is too little room to play and do projects otherwise.
I look forward to us having our own house again, and to getting the day care license process completed, then I make more than $3 an hour because I can have a few kids . Iin NY you can not have more than 2 kids at a time without the license, and in this area many people make minimum wage or barely above it, so can not pay more than $2-3 an hour--and the child care subsidy pays even less than that for people who qualify! Add int hat very few people have full time jobs year round up here, and you can see that making an income babysitting is not easy. Actually making a livable income at all is a challenge. But when I can have 4-5 kids at $2-3 an hour, I can make enough to actually eek out a living for me and the kids.
This week has also see A really step up to the plate with the kids. A has been sober for one month as of Christmas Day, and the changes that I see remind me of the person that I met nearly eight years ago. It is amazing how much addiction can change a person. We have a lot of baggage from the past few years, so I am not sure if our relationship could ever truly heal enough to consider getting back together, but it is good to the person that knew back them again. Of course it is not easy, and healing takes time, but I see A being more responsible with work, with the kids, and with taking care of the things A needs to rather than waiting for others (like me) to do it. Each of the kids spent one night at A's by themselves, and then they have spent 3 nights at A's together. I would love to say that I got to sleep in those days, but alas I still had kids to babysit, so the only day I slept in (to 9:30!! after getting up at my normal 6:30 to let the dog out and back in of course, but went back to bed). It was New Years Day. I went over to A's for New Year's eve, and the kids stayed up to watch the ball drop on TV. This was the first time they stayed up for New Year's Eve. Then I tucked them into their beds at A's house and headed home. Of course I ended up staying up until 2:30am reading, so I did not actually catch up on any sleep, sheesh!!
I am looking fr\orward tom this new year. I have many unfinished or partially finished goals from the last couple of years, and I will continue working on them. The three biggies I hope to continue this year are getting healthier physically, getting healthier spiritually, and getting healthier financially. Three facets of "wealth" in helping to transform my life.
Three primary focuses for the physical aspect: exercising 5 days a week needs to start happening again; eating more vegetables and fruit and less processed carbohydrates, and being more conscientious with food and snack choices (broth or soup for a snack instead of cookies or a bowl of cereal; drinking ample amounts of water; drinking hot tea between meals instead of immediately reaching for something to chew on; chewing gum when I really need the sensation of chewing; planning my meals beforehand so that I know I am eating a well balanced, nutrient dense meal, instead of throwing whatever together at the last minute).
Three primary focuses for the spiritual aspect: meditating at least 15 minutes a day; teaching my children about and living life as a prayer (being aware that everything I do can be an act of prayer--a way of communicating with and connecting to the Divine); and using self-hypnosis to actively work on emotional/mental blockages and to transform negative thinking patterns and habits.
Three primary focuses for the financial aspect: Making a reasonable budget based on actual spending needs and committing to it fully; Getting the day care business underway and being very reasonable with the budget; and putting some time and effort into the two business I have underway--finish my hypnosis training and get certified so I can make and sell some hypnosis MP3 and CD's, and work on my Ambit business, which my brother is law is making a six figure income from after only 2 years of being an independent consultant, so I know the company is honest, the service is good, and it is a great way to help others make money while helping their friends and family save money on electricity. I just need to find the time to put into building my business to bring in more income.
So three focus areas for my continued life transformation of my life. May 2012 bring blessings to you from unexpected places. And may you be open to being transformed!!
My house is still a wreck. Although I have been working all week in addition to reading, I have also started work (or rather my father has started) on the actual renovating of the new house. The tear down phase is pretty much done, just a couple of damaged ceiling areas to tear down still. The main wall for the boys rooms went up yesterday. I can not help much during this framing, electrical and plumbing stage, as I have minimal knowledge about how to do those three things. It would slow him down too much to be teaching me as we go because I am struggling to pay for two homes at the same time, so finishing as quickly as we can is important. After the framing, electrical and plumbing inspection, then we can put up the sheet rock at which point I can actually be of use. I CAN sheet rock, tape, spackle, paint, and then deal with flooring and molding. Then we can have the final inspection, get our CO and move in. Then I can give this apartment a thorough cleaning, and be done here. I also am looking forward to having a child care area that is separate from the main living and sleeping area of my home. It will be easier to design educational and fulfilling activities for the kids I care for, and will be able to keep my own children's stuff more protected and private, as the child care kids will not have access to their rooms. Here is so small that the kids use the living room/kitchen and the boys bedroom for playing as there is too little room to play and do projects otherwise.
I look forward to us having our own house again, and to getting the day care license process completed, then I make more than $3 an hour because I can have a few kids . Iin NY you can not have more than 2 kids at a time without the license, and in this area many people make minimum wage or barely above it, so can not pay more than $2-3 an hour--and the child care subsidy pays even less than that for people who qualify! Add int hat very few people have full time jobs year round up here, and you can see that making an income babysitting is not easy. Actually making a livable income at all is a challenge. But when I can have 4-5 kids at $2-3 an hour, I can make enough to actually eek out a living for me and the kids.
This week has also see A really step up to the plate with the kids. A has been sober for one month as of Christmas Day, and the changes that I see remind me of the person that I met nearly eight years ago. It is amazing how much addiction can change a person. We have a lot of baggage from the past few years, so I am not sure if our relationship could ever truly heal enough to consider getting back together, but it is good to the person that knew back them again. Of course it is not easy, and healing takes time, but I see A being more responsible with work, with the kids, and with taking care of the things A needs to rather than waiting for others (like me) to do it. Each of the kids spent one night at A's by themselves, and then they have spent 3 nights at A's together. I would love to say that I got to sleep in those days, but alas I still had kids to babysit, so the only day I slept in (to 9:30!! after getting up at my normal 6:30 to let the dog out and back in of course, but went back to bed). It was New Years Day. I went over to A's for New Year's eve, and the kids stayed up to watch the ball drop on TV. This was the first time they stayed up for New Year's Eve. Then I tucked them into their beds at A's house and headed home. Of course I ended up staying up until 2:30am reading, so I did not actually catch up on any sleep, sheesh!!
I am looking fr\orward tom this new year. I have many unfinished or partially finished goals from the last couple of years, and I will continue working on them. The three biggies I hope to continue this year are getting healthier physically, getting healthier spiritually, and getting healthier financially. Three facets of "wealth" in helping to transform my life.
Three primary focuses for the physical aspect: exercising 5 days a week needs to start happening again; eating more vegetables and fruit and less processed carbohydrates, and being more conscientious with food and snack choices (broth or soup for a snack instead of cookies or a bowl of cereal; drinking ample amounts of water; drinking hot tea between meals instead of immediately reaching for something to chew on; chewing gum when I really need the sensation of chewing; planning my meals beforehand so that I know I am eating a well balanced, nutrient dense meal, instead of throwing whatever together at the last minute).
Three primary focuses for the spiritual aspect: meditating at least 15 minutes a day; teaching my children about and living life as a prayer (being aware that everything I do can be an act of prayer--a way of communicating with and connecting to the Divine); and using self-hypnosis to actively work on emotional/mental blockages and to transform negative thinking patterns and habits.
Three primary focuses for the financial aspect: Making a reasonable budget based on actual spending needs and committing to it fully; Getting the day care business underway and being very reasonable with the budget; and putting some time and effort into the two business I have underway--finish my hypnosis training and get certified so I can make and sell some hypnosis MP3 and CD's, and work on my Ambit business, which my brother is law is making a six figure income from after only 2 years of being an independent consultant, so I know the company is honest, the service is good, and it is a great way to help others make money while helping their friends and family save money on electricity. I just need to find the time to put into building my business to bring in more income.
So three focus areas for my continued life transformation of my life. May 2012 bring blessings to you from unexpected places. And may you be open to being transformed!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Gingerbread men and Chirtmas fun.....
So, I know I have been on here quite a bit lately talking about the ups and the downs of raising children with special needs, or rather more accurately, dealing with a world still struggling to accept all people as they are, no matter what their abilities, behavioral/social challenges, or medical status. So I have not posted much about our Christmas preparations (Sorry for the lack of pictures, I have not emptied my camera as I can't find the cord to do so, but some pics will be coming soon)....
A couple of weeks ago we put up some outdoor lights and started our nightly advent calendar, which has a great piece of chocolate behind each door. and one of the things that I greatly appreciate about my children is that they do not try to sneak another candy out of one of the other little windows, the thought never crossed their mind. They love that nightly ritual of finding the right number, opening the little door, reading the words behind the door, and pulling out that morsel of chocolate to unwrap and enjoy. YUM!
Last weekend I tried a few different cookie recipes--mainly trying to find both a sugar cookie and a gingerbread cookie recipe that we like the flavor and that are easy to work with. I found a wonderful tasting sugar cookie recipe, and if I do the ball and flatten method they are great--very easy and quick, but cutting them with cookie cutters was a bit more difficult, so a LOT of in and out of the fridge to firm up the dough. BUT they did make great shapes, held their shape well, and were the best tasting sugar cookie I have had. So I will make it again.
Then I found the best light tasting gingerbread cookie recipe (while I like traditional gingerbread, with dark molasses, the kids are not fond of the flavor). This recipe for gingerbread men is perfect! It has a nice light ginger flavor, it forms a great dough ball and is very easy to roll out, cut with cookie cutters, and transfer. I made a dozen and half cookies this weekend (which we all had a blast decorating), and they were all gone by Monday afternoon.
The icing I used for us to decorate with came out beautiful. It was another recipe I found on http://www.allrecipes.com/ and was shiny, beautiful icing that was easy to work with and dried shiny...and it worked great on both the sugar cookies and the gingerbread men. Yesterday the kids and I made another 3 dozen gingerbread men cookies (both gingerbread man and snowman shapes), as today is a cookie workshop for grades Pre-K thru 2nd grade at Josiah's school. So we signed up to send in a couple dozen cookies to decorate. And at 10:00 I will take the little girl I babysit up to school to join the festivities of cookie decorating.
This weekend we also put up our tree!! Gonzo had a great time decorating. Josiah however was not keen on it, he hung a couple of ornaments, but was not very interested in it really. We also put up the tree at A's house. Again Gonzo was excited to help, and Josiah was not really interested, but did put on a couple of ornaments.
I have wrapped most of our Christmas gifts, which is a new record for me, usually i have at least half of the gifts still to wrap on Christmas eve, which means short night. As we will be visiting A's family the 23rd and 24th, and making the 5 hour drive on on Christmas Eve, I did not want a lot of wrapping on top of tat, we need rest before the busy and long day that Christmas often is. We will be at A's house for the overnight so the kids will wake up there Christmas morning. While I love having Christmas morning at home, it is A's turn. It will be fun.
I hope you all are having a wonderful Holiday season. Happy Hanukkah to all those who have begun celebrating this wondrous 8-day holiday. And Merry Christmas to all who are enjoying advent and preparing for the celebration of Christ's birth. And Happy holidays to all others who are celebrating Kwanzaa, Yule, Solstice (TODAY), and all other holiday traditions surrounding this festive time of year!!
A couple of weeks ago we put up some outdoor lights and started our nightly advent calendar, which has a great piece of chocolate behind each door. and one of the things that I greatly appreciate about my children is that they do not try to sneak another candy out of one of the other little windows, the thought never crossed their mind. They love that nightly ritual of finding the right number, opening the little door, reading the words behind the door, and pulling out that morsel of chocolate to unwrap and enjoy. YUM!
Last weekend I tried a few different cookie recipes--mainly trying to find both a sugar cookie and a gingerbread cookie recipe that we like the flavor and that are easy to work with. I found a wonderful tasting sugar cookie recipe, and if I do the ball and flatten method they are great--very easy and quick, but cutting them with cookie cutters was a bit more difficult, so a LOT of in and out of the fridge to firm up the dough. BUT they did make great shapes, held their shape well, and were the best tasting sugar cookie I have had. So I will make it again.
Then I found the best light tasting gingerbread cookie recipe (while I like traditional gingerbread, with dark molasses, the kids are not fond of the flavor). This recipe for gingerbread men is perfect! It has a nice light ginger flavor, it forms a great dough ball and is very easy to roll out, cut with cookie cutters, and transfer. I made a dozen and half cookies this weekend (which we all had a blast decorating), and they were all gone by Monday afternoon.
The icing I used for us to decorate with came out beautiful. It was another recipe I found on http://www.allrecipes.com/ and was shiny, beautiful icing that was easy to work with and dried shiny...and it worked great on both the sugar cookies and the gingerbread men. Yesterday the kids and I made another 3 dozen gingerbread men cookies (both gingerbread man and snowman shapes), as today is a cookie workshop for grades Pre-K thru 2nd grade at Josiah's school. So we signed up to send in a couple dozen cookies to decorate. And at 10:00 I will take the little girl I babysit up to school to join the festivities of cookie decorating.
This weekend we also put up our tree!! Gonzo had a great time decorating. Josiah however was not keen on it, he hung a couple of ornaments, but was not very interested in it really. We also put up the tree at A's house. Again Gonzo was excited to help, and Josiah was not really interested, but did put on a couple of ornaments.
I have wrapped most of our Christmas gifts, which is a new record for me, usually i have at least half of the gifts still to wrap on Christmas eve, which means short night. As we will be visiting A's family the 23rd and 24th, and making the 5 hour drive on on Christmas Eve, I did not want a lot of wrapping on top of tat, we need rest before the busy and long day that Christmas often is. We will be at A's house for the overnight so the kids will wake up there Christmas morning. While I love having Christmas morning at home, it is A's turn. It will be fun.
I hope you all are having a wonderful Holiday season. Happy Hanukkah to all those who have begun celebrating this wondrous 8-day holiday. And Merry Christmas to all who are enjoying advent and preparing for the celebration of Christ's birth. And Happy holidays to all others who are celebrating Kwanzaa, Yule, Solstice (TODAY), and all other holiday traditions surrounding this festive time of year!!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Josiah's First STEPS!!!!
This weekend my beloved little Josiah took his first independent steps at age 5 years, 4 months, and 8 days!! He was stading next to the couch (when I say standing with Josiah I always mean leaning on, as he does not stand independently yet), singing a song he made up a out humpty dumpty (his self-made songs always include a few "sentance enhancers" like booger, fart, or his newest favorite butt-crack :o ). As he was singing he was dancing, and without realizing it he dance 2-3 steps AWAY from the couch before losing his balance. But he realized he had doneit, he had taken independent steps for the first time!!!
So for about 30 minutes after that he kept practicing. I actually brough thte practice to a close--for two reason, one was hat it was past bedtime, and the other was that his legs were tiring a lot and he said his knees where hurting from all the landings. He was not happy that I said it was time to wrap it up and we could practice the next day, but I did not want him to injure himself and be afraid to try again. He did practice more both weekend days. He got up to four steps quite a number of times before losing his balance.
This is more exciting then when gonzo learned how to hop when he was five.
One of the most amazing things about having children with special needs is that when they reach milestones, it has been such a long journey and they have worked so hard to reach that milestone that it is always a cause for celebration.
So for about 30 minutes after that he kept practicing. I actually brough thte practice to a close--for two reason, one was hat it was past bedtime, and the other was that his legs were tiring a lot and he said his knees where hurting from all the landings. He was not happy that I said it was time to wrap it up and we could practice the next day, but I did not want him to injure himself and be afraid to try again. He did practice more both weekend days. He got up to four steps quite a number of times before losing his balance.
This is more exciting then when gonzo learned how to hop when he was five.
One of the most amazing things about having children with special needs is that when they reach milestones, it has been such a long journey and they have worked so hard to reach that milestone that it is always a cause for celebration.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
When a day goes well....
...it is a good reprieve from the stress and frustration of other days.
Today was a calm day all around, which has been a much needed thing. I only babysat this morning, so the day was pretty clear. I focused on refiguring and repricing the materials that I need to do the renovations now that I finally have the building permit. My mother stopped by and took me out to lunch, which was a wonderful treat. It is good to talk with my mom without kids distracting us. After that I went back to working on finding the best price I can for materials.
I was trying not to stress out too much about some things that happened at school yesterday that the principal had called about yesterday. he was going to look into it more today, and so I was wondering what that would amount to. In the early afternoon I got the call from the school, and was able to talk for a while with the CSE chair about the issue, which thankfully they perceived to be the same as I had, and did not turn out to be as big as what I perceived the principal had made it seem yesterday. So that brought some stress relief.
Josiah had a good day at school, which is always a good thing. his frog chart (behavior chart with a frog on it) had 12 out of 12 happy faces. So he got a star student star. Gonzo also had a good day at school. The boys were both calm and happy this afternoon. A got out of work early today (was here by 5:00), and as planned, took the boys over there for dinner and to hang out until about 7:30. The boys really enjoy being there, and though Josiah wanted to spend the night there, he only resisted coming home a little bit. I was willing to let him stay even though it is a school night, but A was not up for it. And normally I wouldn't have been either, as we have agreed the kids should have a consistent school night routine and sleep at home with me on school nights. Hopefully they will get to spend one of the weekend nights with A. While they have only spent a couple of nights with A, they have enjoyed it. And A has been sober for 3 weeks now, and things are calmer all around. A has also been more consistent with the kids, which has been good. They enjoy having both of their parents.
I had a low key evening while the kids were with A. I enjoyed soup for dinner, watch a couple of episodes of Star Trek:Enterprise, and checked some things out online. The kids came home, took showers and got ready for bed. We did the advent calendar, which provided their snack (as it is a chocolate advent calendar with a little piece of chocolate behind each day). The kids took their evening meds and then brushed their teeth without complaining or arguing. Then I read them books until they drifted off to sleep.
I have learned through experience that the best way to ward off depression is to do things that bring you peace, AND appreciate the time and ability to do those things. So today was a good day for bring stress levels down and finding an internal peace....
Today was a calm day all around, which has been a much needed thing. I only babysat this morning, so the day was pretty clear. I focused on refiguring and repricing the materials that I need to do the renovations now that I finally have the building permit. My mother stopped by and took me out to lunch, which was a wonderful treat. It is good to talk with my mom without kids distracting us. After that I went back to working on finding the best price I can for materials.
I was trying not to stress out too much about some things that happened at school yesterday that the principal had called about yesterday. he was going to look into it more today, and so I was wondering what that would amount to. In the early afternoon I got the call from the school, and was able to talk for a while with the CSE chair about the issue, which thankfully they perceived to be the same as I had, and did not turn out to be as big as what I perceived the principal had made it seem yesterday. So that brought some stress relief.
Josiah had a good day at school, which is always a good thing. his frog chart (behavior chart with a frog on it) had 12 out of 12 happy faces. So he got a star student star. Gonzo also had a good day at school. The boys were both calm and happy this afternoon. A got out of work early today (was here by 5:00), and as planned, took the boys over there for dinner and to hang out until about 7:30. The boys really enjoy being there, and though Josiah wanted to spend the night there, he only resisted coming home a little bit. I was willing to let him stay even though it is a school night, but A was not up for it. And normally I wouldn't have been either, as we have agreed the kids should have a consistent school night routine and sleep at home with me on school nights. Hopefully they will get to spend one of the weekend nights with A. While they have only spent a couple of nights with A, they have enjoyed it. And A has been sober for 3 weeks now, and things are calmer all around. A has also been more consistent with the kids, which has been good. They enjoy having both of their parents.
I had a low key evening while the kids were with A. I enjoyed soup for dinner, watch a couple of episodes of Star Trek:Enterprise, and checked some things out online. The kids came home, took showers and got ready for bed. We did the advent calendar, which provided their snack (as it is a chocolate advent calendar with a little piece of chocolate behind each day). The kids took their evening meds and then brushed their teeth without complaining or arguing. Then I read them books until they drifted off to sleep.
I have learned through experience that the best way to ward off depression is to do things that bring you peace, AND appreciate the time and ability to do those things. So today was a good day for bring stress levels down and finding an internal peace....
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
I'll get back to josiah's beginnings very soon, but I just wanted to take this time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I have learned over the years, both through a lot of reading on the subject and with observations from my own life, that life is better when you focus on the things you are grateful for. I need to get back to doing specific gratitude lists, and putting them on my other blog ("Gratitude" within the Powerful Consciousness website--which sorely needs updating).
Even when life is not going the way that we planned it, I know that there are many, many things to be grateful for, and when I find a way to express my thankfulness, I find more and more things that I am thankful for in my life. Intentionally expressing and focusing on those things that make my life easier, bring me joy, touch my heart, and so on, I find more and more things, and my heart finds more and more peace. Gratitude is truly a portal to a different way of thinking and feeling, even when life is rough.
So today I will post a gratitude list both here and on my gratitude blog.
This glorious Thanksgiving day I am grateful for:
......the beautiful snow that coats the ground
......the fun that the boys and I had yesterday building a snowman in the front yard
......the large yard and wonderful heat efficiency of this little apartment
I am thankful for..........My little Josiah's motivation to do what everyone else does even though some things are extremely difficult for his little body to do.
........The way that Josiah's laugh can penetrate even the roughest of days and make people smile
........The fact that he IS learning much of the material presented to him at school, even if he is making life challenging for his teachers. HE is a teacher of flexibility and thinking outside the box, which is good for people even if they do not appreciate the lessons he is teaching them and the growth he is providing.
........His excitement about the snow and his insistence on playing in the snow even though he is not feeling well.
......His love and his enjoyment of life, though damped by this transition to public school, are still a powerful force and gift for him and those of us lucky enough to be around him.
Even when life is not going the way that we planned it, I know that there are many, many things to be grateful for, and when I find a way to express my thankfulness, I find more and more things that I am thankful for in my life. Intentionally expressing and focusing on those things that make my life easier, bring me joy, touch my heart, and so on, I find more and more things, and my heart finds more and more peace. Gratitude is truly a portal to a different way of thinking and feeling, even when life is rough.
So today I will post a gratitude list both here and on my gratitude blog.
This glorious Thanksgiving day I am grateful for:
......the beautiful snow that coats the ground
......the fun that the boys and I had yesterday building a snowman in the front yard
......the large yard and wonderful heat efficiency of this little apartment
I am thankful for....Gonzo's great smile
.......The fact that my beautiful little Tex Mex boy FINALLY enjoys playing in the snow
.......The joy that he finds in small pleasures, like throwing snowballs at trees
.......The enjoyment and satisfaction he get at studying the weather (my little meteorologist, who can always tell you what the wind speeds will be for the day and who LOVES the weather channel and weather.com)
........The way that Josiah's laugh can penetrate even the roughest of days and make people smile
........The fact that he IS learning much of the material presented to him at school, even if he is making life challenging for his teachers. HE is a teacher of flexibility and thinking outside the box, which is good for people even if they do not appreciate the lessons he is teaching them and the growth he is providing.
........His excitement about the snow and his insistence on playing in the snow even though he is not feeling well.
......His love and his enjoyment of life, though damped by this transition to public school, are still a powerful force and gift for him and those of us lucky enough to be around him.
I am also thankful for
........My father, whose brilliance, love of learning and reading, and adaptability have been a marvel to me, and whose ideas of personal freedom and living life without needing the approval of others is an inspiration
........My mother, who is always willing to help in whatever way she can, and whose dreams have never died, even though they have gotten side tracked before, and whose talent she is sharing with the world through her music (check out her CD)
........My step-father Jim, who loves my mother and supports her in pursuing her dreams, and his, and is always ready to lend a helping hand.
........My sister Christine and her husband Patrick and their children Thomas and Sam, who though far away are never far from my thoughts. I am grateful for her perseverance and her ability to rise above the challenges we faced as children. I am grateful for the successful and fulfilling lives that they lead and for the fact that they are happy.
.......My sister Sharon and her husband Rich, and their kids Jessi, Ty, Montana, and Savanna, who have overcome great obstacles and have found an amazing blessings in Ambit Energy, which through Rich's hard work and Sharon unwavering support have catapulted them into a life they never dreamed possible.
.......My sister Alecia and her children Garion and Alex, whose ability to survive is amazing. She has a strength and an inner motivation that has overcome many extremely difficult situations, and though right now she can not see it, her ability to survive through it all is a great blessing. I am grateful for all the good things that are entering her life as she comes through this new hard period. May she be blessed with joy, peace, and understanding.
......My brother Nate, who has as many great ideas as our father and is an amazingly hard worker. I am thankful that he can move forward with a variety of projects and that he is always willing to get up at 3am or 4 am to go to work. I am thankful for his ability and motivation to work hard, and to help our father and his desire to help family and friends.
.......My best friend Kay, whose loyalty and love have never wavered over the nearly 20 years we have known each other. And for whose creativity and insane work ethic have always amazed me.
........My ex-spouse A and A's family, for even though we are no longer together, we both parent the same children, and A is working on getting more stable. A's family has been wonderful and supportive, and even when they have not agreed with my decisions, they are still there for me and the boys, and embrace me as a continuing member of their family just as my family still embraces A as a member of ours.
........My extended family is filled with talented and amazing people. My cousin Paul, whose photography blesses me with its beauty. My cousin Jennifer who is a survivor and has overcome many challenges in her life, and who is someone I think about nearly every day. My other cousins whose lives helped shape my childhood, even though we have grown apart in adulthood.
.........My friends old and new, the many blessed friends I have from childhood who still are close to my heart, my friends from college, many of whom are still significant blessings in my life now, my friends from various jobs and places I have lived...I have been blessed by friends from so many walks of life, so many different perspective and outlooks, so many different beliefs and creeds---I am blessed by the amazing variety of people who have loved me and called me friend. For this variety and for each of those amazing people I am truly and completely grateful.
......I am thankful for my blog and website readers, through whom I can spread my stories, my theories, my ideas, and the knowledge I have gained, so that maybe others can use it in a way that enhanced their life positively.
......I am thankful for the amazing ways we have to keep in touch with old friends and family--facebook, email, websites, telephone, snail mail, and even face to face. So many ways to keep in touch with the people that have been and are parts of our lives.
.......I am thankful for my relationship with the Ever Living God, that Powerful Consciousness that links all of us together, that Source of all Energy from which we all emanate and exist.
......I am thankful for a hopeful future filled with blessings.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
School (old fear dies hard), work and possibly moving to another rental?!?
So I have not really written in a few days. There are a couple of reasons for that: First of all my (MY) computer (the wonderful laptop I got for Christmas from K (my best friend for the past 19 years)) is back at HP for some repairs, still under warranty luckily. So I have been using A's computer, as A is not using it, as there is neither Internet, nor a phone, at my father's house and A is still living there (though I went with A yesterday to see A put down a deposit plus rent on an apartment which will be ready in mid-October or November at the latest--yippee, more stability for my kids as we can get them on a consistent schedule with specific times and space where they can spend with A, and more chance to relax my tension for me). So that laptop was here as A is here much of the time. But A's computer is ailing, over the past year and a half there are vertical lines that have slowly been moving up the screen. You can still see everything fine, but the color is subdued. So for writing and such it is fine (thought watching netflix on it is not so good). However, lately the cord has been iffy--it only connects some of the time, and about 5 days ago, stopped working all together. So I have been using my ancient desktop, which is slower than death, has about 17 quarantined viruses on it, and that I use mainly for the kids educational and fun computer games. It is a lesson in patience, and practice in grace to use the Internet with this computer. As it can take 5 minutes or longer to open a web page, or to switch from one email to the next. So I have not had the time to write much lately. So my freelance writing this month is likely to be a big fat $0, as I can't do the work fast enough to ensure that I will get the research done and the articles written within the deadlines, so I have not been able to accept any assignments, which is annoying.
I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far). He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out. He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to. I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace. It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him. The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him. His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to. I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right. Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before. HE is doing great with it though. I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today. I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:
"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.” "
I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far). He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out. He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to. I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace. It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him. The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him. His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to. I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right. Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before. HE is doing great with it though. I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today. I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:
"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.” "
This email really made my day, as he has been having a rough time of it in the classroom. They have a red, yellow, green light motif for helping kids (and their parents) gauge their behaviour. His first two days, he had a red light, the 3rd day it was yellow, and last Friday it was green--yippee!! This week, Monday was a red light (he even hit and swore at the Sp Ed teacher, who is one of the kindest people I have ever met). Then Tuesday was a green light, nearly PERFECT day. Then today was a red light. Today he was not feeling well. He woke up with a cough and a stuffy nose, and while he seemed tired, he seemed otherwise okay, so I sent him to school. But his assistant said that he was really irritable all day and wanted to be held (which usually means he is not feeling well). He seemed to get worse as the evening wore on, so he is coming down with something, and I noticed he is having difficulty swallowing, so I think his throat is sore. Even now I can hear him coughing. I have checked on him a few times since putting him to bed and he is sleeping restlessly. So he is definitely coming down with something. I will be keeping him home tomorrow so that he can rest, which means no aquatic PT either as that is now on Thursday evening. He is supposed to have dental surgery next week (this nemesis of a surgery I have been working towards sine July 2010), but if he has a cold or even the hint of a cold, the pulmonary doctor said not to chance the anesthesia (which I totally agree with given his lung issues). So unless he makes a spectacular overnight recovery, I believe we will be canceling next week's surgery, which means another 4-6 month wait, as that is how far out they schedule dental surgery for that office. In some ways that may not be too bad, as he has to go under general anesthesia (GA) in October for a 3 hour MRI of his brain, as the neurosurgeon wants to evaluate how the fluid is moving through his brain as there is the possibility that his hydrocephalus may not be as stable as we thought. So that will give more time between going under GA, which might be safer for him.
I have something to admit, something I am a bit ashamed of--I have to fight myself hard everyday over old preconceived notions about his teacher and assistant, based on experiences from nearly 20 years ago. I pride myself on having an open mind, being patient and kind, and on giving people the benefit of the doubt, and on the desire to forgive people for the mistakes they have made that have hurt me (either directly or through hurting the people I love). I have found that I have a box of old memories, crap that happened 16-20 years ago in regards to these two individuals that are now such an intregal part of my sons life (the old issues are not related so two separate issues with two separate people). I have found that I have to keep checking myself to not let my hurt and fear from those long past experiences cloud my vision and my interactions with them today, in the here and now. I am ashamed to admit that I have held on to old crap, and am seeking a way to forgive pain that is two decades old so that I can see clearly now and be able to give them the benefit of the doubt as they work daily and intensely with one of the most important people in my life, my beloved Josiah. So please take my fears about Kindergarten for my son with a grain of salt and know that I am struggling with separating old from new. And say a prayer for me that this will be a growing experience for me and my spirit as I learn to let go and forgive old grievances....
Overall though, the kindergarten teacher and his assistant (as well as the other people he works with) have been trying very hard. They are definitely not used to a child with his special needs --both physical and behavioral. And many of his behaviors stem from three sources--1) according to the tests done last spring, he is functioning (emotional, social, behavioral) on average at a 24 month level but with some ares much higher (good old standardized tests--make NO sense for a child with brain damage, they only give truly useful information about neurotypical children)--which I had missed when talking with the social worker who did the assessment, as they told me he is doing fine and should do well in Kindergarten with a 1:1 (I just reviewed his IEP again last week); 2) his physical impairment has left him unable to do some of the things the other kids are able to do (write independently, color in the lines, drawn simple shapes, etc...) so he is Very frustrated and I think embarrassed (given the way he hides his face when he is asked about it) that he can't do it, which leads to acting out, trying to be the class clown, or being outright defiant and contrary (I used to call Gonzo my contrary canary, but that can go to Josiah now); and 3) He has Gonzo as his primary kid role model, and he imitates Gonzo's behavior to a "t", something I have tried to talk with him about, and to ask him to watch the other kids and try to do what they do, as it is a great group of kids he is with in Kindergarten, and I think he can find good peer role models there, whereas his brother is NOT a person he should be imitating or learning habits from.
Added to his issues is the fact that the kindergarten teacher is not known for her empathy towards kids with behavioral issues (told to me from other soucres more current than my own memories), and I really try hard to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has grown and matured as an educator from the time that I knew her when she was just starting out and my youngest siblings had her for a teacher (I am 9 and 12 years older than my two youngest siblings, so I was nearly an adult when she was my brother's Kindergarten teacher). I also have a bit of a knee jerk reaction from the experiences we had with Gonzo in Kindergarten (totally different school district over 3 hours from here), which resulted in my pulling him out and homeschooling the second part of Kindergarten (back in our old town). I do not want to homeschool either of the kids, as I really believe that peer and social interaction is vital to their development, and learning to trust and rely on other adults is beneficial to their ability to reach outside themselves and their family for new experiences and growth. However in Gonzo's case he was actually being both emotionally and physically mistreated (we heard from multiple witnesses, none of whom were wiling to speak out publically on that tyrant of a teacher or cross her as those who had suffered greatly I am told). So to protect Gonzo we home schooled him for that second half of Kindergarten, and he did great. This is a different teacher, but I remember clearly some of the things that occurred with my brother and my sister, who at the time were small, young, scared children dealing with the breakup of their parents (something that Josiah and Gonzo are still going through as A and I are still getting settled into our new roles--it takes a few years for life to be stable again after a break up of a family), and the instability that brings. And she had no understanding or compassion for what the kids may be going through emotionally or any understanding that some acting out is because the kids already have stress they are dealing with and when they are trying to conform, but not doing it fast enough or well enough for a particular teacher, the stress becomes more than such a young child can bear. SO while I am sure this teacher has grown and matured in many ways as an educator, I am beginning to wonder if she has learned to have compassion for kids who have struggles that are bigger than trying to figure out how to spell. Josiah has SO much on his plate before he even walks through the door--his physical limitations, his newness to this strict of an environment, his struggles with a very challenging brother at home, his struggles with the shifts his family has had over the past year and a half with the separation of his parents, AND facing a Kindergarten curriculum which for some reason appears to be difficult to adapt to his physical limitations. I know they are trying--trying to meet him where he is, trying to help him find his place in this new world of Kindergarten, trying to figure out how to bring him into the fold and help him find more positive ways to express himself--I DO know they are trying. It is glaringly obvious thought that they are very unaccustomed to working with children who have special needs, as they do not have the patience that is learned from working with children who take longer to do everything. They want him to adjust as quickly as a typical child adjusts, and that is just not possible, life is slower for him, his brain is damaged, it needs to create new pathways as the inate pathways were destroyed during and soon after birth for so many things, not just his motor development. Laying new neurological pathwyas takes time, compassion, and repetition.
Hopefully THEY will allow HIM to teach them a few of the life lessons that he has taught so many people. Hopefully they will have hearts and minds that are open enough to receive the gifts that he can bring to them as they work with him. Hopefully they will find the patience (also called long-suffering, which I understand now) that can be shared and beneficial to all of their future students. Hopefully they will see the diamond in the rough, and be able to nurture and teach him and his classmates. I would love to say that week two has been great, and while I definitely feel better about it than week 1, there is a learning curve--both for him and for them--that is undetermined at this time. I will keep praying, keep communicating, and keep working with him (and them) to help there be more consistency between home and school, so that he can learn faster. He is a resilient little boy, and I want him to grow and shine. I do not want to see his spirit broken like my sister's and my brother's were at such a young age. His spirit can shine, and I have to both protect him AND give these teachers the benefit of the doubt, that 20 years CAN make a difference, and that they now know how to build children up into the students they want to see, rather than tear them down so they submit to what they are told. Good old Harry Chapin's song, which has the following two lines (in different parts of the song) ..."Flowers are Red, green leaves are green, there's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen....{story here}....There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the rising sun, so many colors in the flowers, and I see every one....". I just keep praying that these teachers see the rainbow and teach the children to see the rainbow, rather than insisting on red flowers in neat rows....
Well, enough about fears, both new and based on really old crap that I did not even realize was hanging out in my subconscious memory...on to a more pleasant note. I have found a steady source of income that allows me to be there when I need to for my kids and has some flexibility built in. I am doing child care again. As per NYS law, I can only have 2 kids (other than my own) in my home with the legally exempt approval I have. To take more children I will have to go through the process of becoming a registered daycare provider. This is something I have thought of doing for a long time now, especially since I WAS a daycare worker and nursery school teacher in CT for 5 years in the 1990's. So I DO know what it i is like to care for multiple small children, and I actually do love it (thought it is exhausting). So I called the Childcare network today and am getting the ball rolling (takes 2-6 months to get licenced). My apartment is really rather small, and with my two and the two I am watching now, it is rather crowded. I did talk to my landlord today about it, and he has some concerns but is quite willing to work with me on it. He and I are both concerned about the neighbors who rents the other half of the duplex, an elderly couple who may not like having multiple kids around. Which would be a problem. I did tell the landlord that I am also considering finding a larger place, a single family home, which would allow me to set up and provide a better space for a daycare. He does not have anything available and thanked me for letting him know that I may be moving. Overall, he was very supportive either way, which is good. With the two I have now, I have the 2 year old 27 hours a week and the 6 year old after school for a total of 10 hours a week. I make about $100 (I know, it is really low, but around here, people really can NOT afford more). So I figure that if I have 4 children over 25 hours a week, I can bring in about $300 a week, which will be enough to live on. If I have time I can continue with the freelance writing (or just go back to free writing), and do little jobs on the side to have additional income. That would be my best bet. I have called on a 4 bedroom house that is for rent, and am waiting to hear back from the owner as to whether they would allow me to run a family home daycare in their rental (I would pay the liability and daycare insurance of course). If they are willing and accept me as a tenant, then I will be able to get the business up and running faster, which would be good.
So if anyone wants to send up some prayers, please do so, for Josiah's kindergarten to work out well all around, for Gonzo to continue to do well in his schoool setting, for me to be able to let go, for provision for my family (I would be grateful if you can donate even a quarter or a dollar to my family's basic needs if you wish by clicking on the box at the top of the right hand column), prayers for finding the right space for us to live and run this daycare center, and prayers that everything falls into place as it should.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Updated my other blog
Hi all,
I just wanted you to know I update my gratitude blog (the one on my website) today. Both the website and the blog have been a bit neglected this summer, but as I posted there instead of here today, I thought I would let you all know. That blog is specifically about the topic of gratitude, which is a big part of the Transformation journey. So while this blog is more robust and covers all sort of things--both interesting and mundane, on a wide range of topics and thoughts that cross my mind, and is sometimes too personal (I know I probably need to filter a little better)--that blog focuses on the topic of daily gratitude (and I am moving towards making it a daily posting, but right now it is still posted to erratically). I will be spending some time in the next month dealing with some glitches and trying to update my website to make it more useful and user friendly. So it is a work in progress.
If you want to check out the Gratitude blog, click here: http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/gratitude.html
If you just want to check out the website (which you can access from the blog too), click here:
http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/
I just wanted you to know I update my gratitude blog (the one on my website) today. Both the website and the blog have been a bit neglected this summer, but as I posted there instead of here today, I thought I would let you all know. That blog is specifically about the topic of gratitude, which is a big part of the Transformation journey. So while this blog is more robust and covers all sort of things--both interesting and mundane, on a wide range of topics and thoughts that cross my mind, and is sometimes too personal (I know I probably need to filter a little better)--that blog focuses on the topic of daily gratitude (and I am moving towards making it a daily posting, but right now it is still posted to erratically). I will be spending some time in the next month dealing with some glitches and trying to update my website to make it more useful and user friendly. So it is a work in progress.
If you want to check out the Gratitude blog, click here: http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/gratitude.html
If you just want to check out the website (which you can access from the blog too), click here:
http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/
Thursday, June 23, 2011
WOW, some days are just stressful.....
Well, today is one of those days. G finished up with school yesterday, but Jos still had a regular day today as his last day. I had to replace the rotors and pads on the front brakes. I actually bought the parts and my father was going to do it, but he could not get the rotors off. So I took it to the garage, and it ended up costing $112 JUST IN LABOR as I already gave them the parts for it. I also asked them to remount the tires on the front. as they are wearing unevenly and by switching them around you can get more mileage out of them before i have to come up with the money for new tires and an alignment. But they said they felt the tires were not good enough so they would not do it, which means I need to ask my brother if he can do it. And A's brake pads are completely down to the metal. I don't know why A let them get so far down. At this point the rotors will have to replaced too, when if the pads had been done a week ago, it would have only cost like $20 for the pads. I know it is not my vehicle and I have no reason to feel like it is going to come out of my pocket, but in the trickle down effect that I have from A, if something costs A money, I end up "lending" money for gas and other things to make up the difference. Normally I don't mind giving money to people as I know that in the end, if I need it, they will be there for me as I was for them. But lately I feel like with my ex, the fair exchange of favors has become very one sided. For a while, it was working out fine, I would lend A money to get to the next paycheck (weekly) and at the end of the month, A would get it back to me as I needed to stretch to my next paycheck (which is monthly), but lately the amount I give out and the amount I get back are getting further and further apart, which I can not afford. And A is getting more and more negative again, which just makes me want to scream, because I am trying to get away from the negativity in my life, not draw a whole bunch more in, especially when A has some really great prospects out there right now that should be bringing a MORE positive attitude and feelings. I suppose it goes back to choice, we each choose whether we focus on the negatives in our lives or on the positives. I guess today's post is more of a negative focus for me, from me.....something more for me to think about and adjust in my own attitude...
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I know I have not been writing every day....
Wow, once you get out of the habit of blogging everyday, it is hard to get back into it. Today was a good day. While I have feeling very tired these past two weeks, I am concentrating on everything improving as each day goes by.
I have been unsure what to write about. This blog has not gone as I had planned. I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others. It truly has been more of a journal. however, I found myself posting more and more negative things. All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life. And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life. I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it. Most people have.
The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies. As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get. As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident. When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for. And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you. And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life. The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation. Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life. It is truly an amazing thing.
So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to. So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.
Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such. A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes." I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say.
I look forward to blogging daily again. And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!
I have been unsure what to write about. This blog has not gone as I had planned. I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others. It truly has been more of a journal. however, I found myself posting more and more negative things. All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life. And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life. I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it. Most people have.
The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies. As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get. As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident. When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for. And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you. And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life. The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation. Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life. It is truly an amazing thing.
So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to. So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.
Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such. A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes." I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say.
I look forward to blogging daily again. And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Day 12--a day of the munchies
The munchies are driving me crazy today, which is not good when you are trying to drop pounds. i can not say that I have had much success in controlling the munchies. It is a little after 4:00 as I write this. Today (between 7:30am and now) I have had:
1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea
So I have been grazing all day.
I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people. My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life. She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere. i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it... No more motion, forward, backward, nothing.
I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on. And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT. I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died.. AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit.
Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money. So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.
Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.
1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea
So I have been grazing all day.
I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people. My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life. She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere. i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it... No more motion, forward, backward, nothing.
I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on. And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT. I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died.. AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit.
Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money. So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.
Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.
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