The rollercoaster stopped, but what planet am I on?

All charges have been dropped, all restrictions lifted...that was the call I got last Friday so I was able to go HOME and have my children back fully in time for Mother's Day.  I have no idea if my soon to be ex-spouse didn't show for her meeting with the courts or if she fessed up and told the truth about her adding a lot of lies to the base of truth.  But either way, I have been cleared of all charges.

So that roller-coaster that I somehow got shoved onto in early April finally ended, and its exit is not where I expected.  Though I have been at this carnival of crazy life since well January really, I didn't fully hit the midway until my job disappeared in march and then the COVID pandemic changed all possible plans. Before being shoved onto April's bizarre roller-coaster, I had been working on becoming an online ESL teacher, so I could still work and meet the needs of the boys.  But it has been so long I may have lost my spot, so I need to see if that is even a possibility still.  I also had applied to get my teaching certification in this state and planned to sub the rest of the school year and into next year so I could both grow my in classroom experience and still have the flexibility I need to get the kids to all their appointments, work, and get back to after-school activities that being them both joy and socializing. 

 I also had planned on getting back to wood-burning crafts to sell at farmers markets and craft fairs and rejoin my mom's donuts business.  Lots of little streams of income.  To have greater flexibility of time when the kids need me though it is more work.

Instead I am here planning out our budget to make sure rent and utilities get paid, grateful for gifts from friends and family that have helped. I am grateful to the school's lunch delivery that we have been able to take advantage of, giving the kids a good walk to the end of the street each day.  I am grateful for the regular checks that come in for the boys disability and survivor-ship benefits which keep us from drowning.  

But I have ideas and plans, and I am committing to get the ball rolling now that the unexpected betrayal and hellish confusion of April is behind us.  The only constant is change...well change and Love, real love not that romantic nonsense, but deep spirit level love that knows no disconnect from the source of all Creation.  It is what binds us together at a level deeper than any betrayal or conquest or challenge.  Maybe I will actually take a deep breathe and publish the book that I wrote a decade ago.  We will see where life leads now that life is opening a new chapter...unknown and undeveloped, perfect for the imagination to create whatever transformation it can hold to...

Wow--what a week!

Okay, so I am really tired today--it has been one long week....

So there was an insurance glitch and so A did NOT go into rehab on Monday and was at my dinner table Monday night (and Tuesday and Wednesday night...)  But thankfully the insurance glitch got straightened out and A left for rehab yesterday and has started the journey towards a new or renewed life.  I will have to figure out when I can clean out A's apartment and arrange to move all of A's furniture into storage (in my garage)

The carpet is down in the daycare area of the house as of Wednesday--YAY!!!  it has been professional cleaned and has dried, thus ready for the room to be set up as of today. I have been getting the base boards together and need to cut a few to fit, so hopefully tonight I will have the big room's baseboards done after work.  And today will be the last day of babysitting outside of my home, as this weekend I should be able to get the daycare area all set up and ready to roll, so the two kids I currently babysit can come here and play.  AND I will hopefully be able to be ready for upcoming inspections in the day care licensing process, which will allow me to more than 2 children in addition to my own. You can watch up to two children at any given time in NYS without a license, but need a license to watch more--the license I am applying for will allow me to watch up to 6 kids in addition to my own.  If demand is great, I will hire on a co-worker and apply for group family licensing, which allows up to 12 children with two adults.  For now I will start with the smaller one, as that is what I have been working on, and I will have a licensed alternate provider and a couple of approved substitutes who will be able to take over if I am running around to appointments with my kids.

Yesterday was a crazy day as Josiah had his Neuropsychological evaluation, which was an hour and a half away, and took 6 hours (9:30am-3:30pm).  He spent most of that time working with the psychologist solo, while I had my own forms and paperwork to fill out in the waiting room. He did very well and worked very cooperatively with her.  She really was a wonderful person, and made both Josiah and I feel very at ease and comfortable.  A genuine, kind human being--so she was very easy to like and Josiah took a liking to her right away.  That made things much much easier.  So I am hoping that the information that she was able to get yesterday combined with the information I had provider earlier, and the information from the school, as well as her observations from the day she came to observe him at school, will help be enough for her to determine what is going on with him and how best to help him with the behavioral and emotional issues that have been developing and worsening over the past year.  I am putting a great deal of hope into Dr. McCabe's lovely hands.

Coming up next week--Josiah sees his pulmonary doctor, Gonzo sees his allergist (on different day, both of whom are nearly 2 hours away--the joys of specialist), and at Josiah's school it is heritage week, so many various activities including a trip to the museum, which I need to figure out a Way to attend or else he can not go.  Actually, he really just needs a family member to go with him, so maybe I can ask my father or my nephew Jess--Can you believe it, my little Jessi is 18 years old!! and heading off to college in the Fall!!  WOW time flies--and I feel old, I was an adult (19) when Jessi was born and now he is an adult--just amazing to me some days.

I will post later about how the eating life style change is going--lets just say for now that changing habits is a challenging thing, and it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so it has to be conscious effort during those 21 days to embrace the new lifestyle habit, after that it gets easier.  Eventually it becomes second nature an you don't even have to think about it.  I need to get more sleep on a regular basis, I think that would go a LONG way to helping me maintain the focus and will to change habits a bit more successfully--I have not given up, just have had a couple of days where old habits have superseded fledgling new habits, but that is for another post later....

Okay...the first day of the rest of my life

I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time.  You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life".  OH...I have added a page to this blog  that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).

I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:

1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle.  It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief.  I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind).  I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is).  I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return.  Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge.  I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life.  For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.

2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace. 

3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled.  So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.

4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.

5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear.  It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart.  So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings.  i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life.  Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.

Merry Christmas....

May you all be blessed this day with the amazing wonder of the first Christmas which brought the greatest energy of the most high God into human form, to walk among us, be vulnerable, and live with us as we are.  May you know this day that YOU are so important and wondrous that Christ came in human form to live with us, teach us, eat with us, laugh with us, cry with us, and just be with YOU in general.

May the joy of sharing gifts, sharing food, sharing time and laughter and tears be s gift that lifts your hearts, minds, and spirits high.

My pepperoni loving son was excited to see that Santa had put a huge pepperoni stick in his stocking "OH MY GOSH!!!  Santa gave me pepperoni!!"  That was Josiah.  Gonzo was so happy to open the only thing he asked for--a Bop It game, and has been having fun playing with it. We spent the night at A's house and Santa visited us there.  My Mom and step dad as well as my Dad and my brother all came over for Christmas Breakfast and to see the present opening.  Everyone is always amazing at how calm my kids are and how you have to keep encouraging them to open gifts,a s they have no problem stopping for long periods of time to play with what they have opened.  Later (if I can get the kids away from their other gifts) we are supposed to meet my sister Sharon and her kids at dynamite hill with their new sleds to go sledding.  Then we go over to her house for Christmas dinner.  We are bringing a turkey, which is roasting in the oven.  A will probably bring it directly to the house if I take the kids sledding because A is not fond of sledding.  So it works alright.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful and amazing Christmas day!!

Recognizing my shortcoming.....

Actually, I think I should have entitled this "Getting whacked across the head and slapped in the face by my own shortcomings....."

I woke up Monday morning about 20 minutes before i had to get up.  I did NOT relish the idea of crawling out of bed, letting the dog out, getting the kids clothes for school together and waking them up...I did not relish the thought of having to vacuum and wash last nights dishes before the kids I take care of arrive....I did not relish the thought of another day of worrying about how Josiah's day was going....I did not relish the thought of dealing with the building permit process AGAIN (yes, I am still working on just GETTING the permit)....relish, relish relish--maybe I need to add some mustard to my thoughts....

So after a few minutes of dreading the day, a day that had not even started yet, a day fresh and new, a day that Who Knows what is going to happen, I realize I had already judged a day that had not even begun...

I have been doing that too much lately. A dear family member of mine is going through a deep depression.  I can empathize with her and give her advice and a listening ear because I have been there.  I spent many years struggling with clinical depression, which eventually neared the debilitating level.  I finally got serious about fixing some old problems that I never dealt with by going into some intensive therapy.  It was not an overnight fix, it was a few years of developing a rapport with a new therapist, working through various trauma's on a variety of different levels, and learning to trust myself, and to know how to separate the emotions tied into the past from the actual emotions of the present.  Sure I worked full time, had a good social life, and an overall successful and good life while I was doing that.  The internal changes that came about gave me the ability to really appreciate and enjoy those external successes.  It was amazing, for the first time in my life I knew how to embrace life without have a constant cloud subduing and dampening everything. 

That was before I met A, before I adopted my children, before all hell broke lose in our lives 3 years ago....And I weathered the ups and downs, ins and outs of these past three years well.  Even with the many challenges, the losses, the stress....All of it I have been able to role with.  My battle with clinical depression appeared to be over...if I could make it through all of what I made it through the past few years and still have my emotions and attitude in check, well I figured I had truly overcome depression (real depression, not hte normal blues and blahs that everyone gets).

But lately I have found my attitude being in totally the wrong place, sometimes, Like Monday, bad from before I even get out of bed.  Today should have been a great day--I went with Josiah's class on a field trip in the morning.  We had fun, and it was great to be part of that adventure.  It was only a 1/2 day trip, so the kids still had school to finish when we got back.  I knew Josiah was tired, but his wonderful aid was going to have him take a rest on his mat.  I figured he would fall asleep, so I left to run errands before my little charge was to be dropped off at 2:00.  I went to my dad's and fed and watered the chickens.  Then I got my mail, and my parents gifts had come in.  Christmas shopping is almost done.  Then I went home and checked messages, I got a call from the town, and my building permit was done!!  Yippee!!!  So I ran down there and paid the fee and got my permit, NOW i can begin renovating my new space and turning it from a laundromat into a house equipped to do daycare.    I was back easily in time to be there when the little one I babysit came.  So I should have had a good day, right...?

Well, after Jos got home, the phone rang and it was the school principal telling me that Josiah had exhibited a very disturbing behavior and asked if his aid had said anything.  She had not said much, just that he did not nap and had a rough period int he afternoon, but that he had come around and finished the day okay.  But the principal was very concerned, and was going to look into the incident more closely.

And I had an emotional meltdown.  THAT is what is zapping my strength, that is my shortcoming...I don't understand what is going on with Josiah.  He has always been my little charmer, my ALWAYS happy boy.  He has always been strong willed but ever since he was a baby, he has been pleasant and self-motivates, and more than willing to push through obstacles.  But ever since starting school KINDERGARTEN he has been exhibiting SO many behaviors, so much frustration, so many inappropriate responses and actions--I am literally beside myself trying to figure out what is going on with him.  The weird thing is that if this were Gonz, I would be upset or annoyed with it, but not dumbfounded, because Gonz HAS a  lot of social and emotional issues that stem from so many places.  With Gonz, I almost expect poor behavior and work very hard to support, encourage, and wrangle him into a secure position to keep behaviors and anxiety in check.  BUT JOSIAH!?!!?? 

My shortcomings that have been running into me lately--I have not been eating right--yes, I do the whole grains, eats beans, lean meats, and try to get enough veggies--but lately my evening have wrought with hunger that is not based in nutritional need but rather in emotional need, so I have been over eating very often.  I have not had the energy to keep a neat or tidy house, so every morning when I get up, I run around for the first half hour doing dishes from the day before, cleaning up the living room, doing all the things that I could have and should have done the night before.  I have multiple baskets filled with clean unfolded clothes, that need to be folded and put away, but I have a motivational or action block that I just donw' understand.  And the longer these behavior issues with Josiah go on, the more I feel like i must be doing something wrong as a parent.  I have tried so many different "expert" parenting techniques (and some old school ones too).  I don't know how to help him understand that his behavior is making his life uncomfortable.  I don't know how to understand what is wrong that makes him have to act out in such drastic ways.  I don't know how to help him. Everyday I put on a strong, confident face, I talk to the teachers and others who work with him and try to remain personable, professional, and share what I know and what I have read about.  I try to be a good parent and a good team member.  And still I feel like Josiah is slipping through the cracks.  The boy who ALWAYS had a smile spends a lot of time crying and being angry now.  My son who was just a ball of joy and amazement is just clouded and fearful that what he is doing is wrong.  I don't know what is happening with him, for him, I just know that I don't know what to do to help him, and no one seems to have any answers.

 And I feel powerless......I just keep praying for something, anything to help this situation.  I-don't-know-what-to-do-for-him or for myself........And slowly but steadily I feel that dark cloud of depression growing, and I am pulling out everything in my arsenal to not go back to that state, but until I can figure out what is going on with Josiah and help him find himself again, I don't see how I can escape the slow dulling of my world.  That is my biggest shortcoming of all......

Just a quick post....

It has been a crazy week!

After a wonderful Thanksgiving feast and celebration at my sister's house, we were supposed to go out to A's family to celebrate Thanksgiving over the weekend, leaving Saturday morning.  However on Friday afternoon, A was over at my house and we were talking about what time we were leaving, as well as discussing Christmas plans and Christmas gifts.  All of a sudden A say to me "Can you get me the number for St. Pete's, I want to go to detox."  It came seemingly out of the blue, but I gave A the number and A called.  St. Peter's Hospital had beds open and if A was ready to get sober, there was room and to come on down.  So after A going back and forth about going down right then or waiting until after we got back from the weekend visit with family, A decided to go to detox, and get the withdrawal from alcohol done.

As it was so last minute, I could not find anyone to watch the kids so the boys came with us, which meant that after driving nearly 3 hours, we waited with A in the ER waiting room until they called A back for intake and tests prior to admitting.  When they called A back, the kids and I started the long drive home.  To many, you may be cheering and not understand my lack of enthusiasm.  It is a wonderful thing for A to take steps to being sober.  And I pray and hope that the commitment and motivation for that path is here now.  But I also have learned that as A has been through both detox and rehab multiple times (to the point that they don't ever refer to rehab anymore as A could teach rehab so there is nothing more to be learned from it), that sometimes it is short lived. 

So we did not go out of town for the weekend.  We did end up doing a lot of running around, visiting Grandpa and our chickens, and then going to Grandma's house for coffee.  We went to church on Sunday, but Josiah was so out of sorts because A was in the hospital (things like that really upset him), that he just could not keep it together for children's church, so we sat in the little lobby area and waited for Gonzo to be done.  He just was very upset and could not control his behavior.  I have to find a way to help him manage his emotions.  Some of it is development as socially/emotionally/behaviorally he is in the 24-30 month developmental range.  So he still reacts to stress and other things as a toddler would--including temper tantrums and very large expressions of emotion without words.  So I have been trying to figure out how to get him to start practicing other ways of expressing himself.  Some of his reactions. actions and behaviors I think are actually habitual more than lack of development, so I have to find ways to help him break into better habits in his behavior.  Overall though, it was a relaxed weekend though, and then the kids started back to school Monday.  Monday A called with the news of being released at 11am.  I said I could not run all the way down and back until the kids got home and even then it was going to be really hard on the kids to be in the car for 5-6 hours on a school night if I could not find someone to watch them. 

then A did something that A has never done before...A suggested that taking a bus up to glens falls (only one hour away) would doable...A suggested this, something that might make it EASIER for me and the KIDS.  Something not entirely confortable for A (but extremely reasonable for the rest of the world), and A suggested it....I feel a bit of change in the air....  So A took a bus up, and then after having lunch at a little bistro, hung out in the library where I used to spend my days while the kids were in school last year.  A few hours later, around 4:45, the kids and I arrived.  It was amazing to see A not complaining about the bus or the wait.  We all went out to dinner at the 99 Restaurant and then did a little Christmas shopping at Target, mainly just to get ideas as the boys can not think of anything they want for Christmas (did I ever mention tthat my kids are a little odd that way--maybe it is because they are not exposed to TV commercials or other forms of advertising...).  So we walked through the toy area and took note of what the kids reacted to the most.  So now I have some better ideas. 

So far so good on the recovery.  A went to an AA meeting on Thursday and had been going to work and is actually eating food again.  I also have not had A calling all the time or being at my house all the time, stopping over to visit yes, but not staying for long periods.  It feel like A is starting to built a life, a sober, more stable life.  It is these little babysteps that allow me to have a slight glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe A is serious about re-entering recovery.  It has been a week, and so far so good.  A made it longer this time then the last time.  Celebrate the baby steps...

Aside from that, this has been a crazy week, we have had to go 45 minutes to an hour away each day. Monday was picking up A. Tuesday after school, Josiah had his pre-op for dental surgery and his pediatrician decided to do his annual physical at the same time AFTER we got there, so our 15 minute appointment turned int o an hour long appointment with a few shots, which he was not happy about.  Wednesday Josiah had an 8:45 appointment with his orthopedic surgeon at the ortho clinic.  Then we had to get his x-rays done for his hips, which we not planned (I should have though as he gets them somewhat frequently to keep an eye on his hips).  So he missed school Wednesday as it was nearly the end of the school day by the time we got back home.  Thursday is Josiah's normal aquatic PT day, which is of course an hour away.  Then Friday both Josiah and I were sick.  I still babysat, but Josiah did not go to school.  Between the shots and all the running this week, his body was just pooped.  He had a cough and a fever, and was miserable on and off throughout the day.  For me is has been a wretched sore throat, the kind that is extremely painful every time I swallow...Josiah seems better today, but my throat is still very painful.  Combined with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough, it is not fun.

Today though Santa is coming to the fire hall, and the Christmas Kids shop is there too.  I have to sign off, get the kids dressed, and get up there before noon, which is when Santa leaves.  As it is 11 now, I better get a move on....

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

I'll get back to josiah's beginnings very soon, but I just wanted to take this time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  I have learned over the years, both through a  lot of reading on the subject and with observations from my own life, that life is better when you focus on the things you are grateful for.  I need to get back to doing specific gratitude lists, and putting them on my other blog ("Gratitude" within the Powerful Consciousness website--which sorely needs updating).

Even when life is not going the way that we planned it, I know that there are many, many things to be grateful for, and when I find a way to express my thankfulness, I find more and more things that I am thankful for in my life.  Intentionally expressing and focusing on those things that make my life easier, bring me joy, touch my heart, and so on, I find more and more things, and my heart finds more and more peace.  Gratitude is truly a portal to a different way of thinking and feeling, even when life is rough.

So today I will post a gratitude list both here and on my gratitude blog.

This glorious Thanksgiving day I am grateful for:
......the beautiful snow that coats the ground
......the fun that the boys and I had yesterday building a snowman in the front yard
......the large yard and wonderful heat efficiency of this little apartment

I am thankful for....Gonzo's great smile

.......The fact that my beautiful little Tex Mex boy FINALLY enjoys playing in the snow

.......The joy that he finds in small pleasures, like throwing snowballs at trees

.......The enjoyment and satisfaction he get at studying the weather (my little meteorologist, who can always tell you what the wind speeds will be for the day and who LOVES the weather channel and weather.com)

 I am thankful for..........My little Josiah's motivation to do what everyone else does even though some things are extremely difficult for his little body to do.
........The way that Josiah's laugh can penetrate even the roughest of days and make people smile
........The fact that he IS learning much of the material presented to him at school, even if he is making life challenging for his teachers. HE is a teacher of flexibility and thinking outside the box, which is good for people even if they do not appreciate the lessons he is teaching them and the growth he is providing.
........His excitement about the snow and his insistence on playing in the snow even though he is not feeling well.
......His love and his enjoyment of life, though damped by this transition to public school, are still a powerful force and gift for him and those of us lucky enough to be around him.

I am also thankful for 

........My father, whose brilliance, love of learning and reading, and adaptability have been a marvel to me, and whose ideas of personal freedom and living life without needing the approval of others is an inspiration

........My mother, who is always willing to help in whatever way she can, and whose dreams have never died, even though they have gotten side tracked before, and whose talent she is sharing with the world through her music (check out her CD)

........My step-father Jim, who loves my mother and supports her in pursuing her dreams, and his, and is always ready to lend a helping hand.

........My sister Christine and her husband Patrick and their children Thomas and Sam, who though far away are never far from my thoughts.  I am grateful for her perseverance and her ability to rise above the challenges we faced as children.  I am grateful for the successful and fulfilling lives that they lead and for the fact that they are happy.

.......My sister Sharon and her husband Rich, and their kids Jessi, Ty, Montana, and Savanna, who have overcome great obstacles and have found an amazing blessings in Ambit Energy, which through Rich's hard work and Sharon unwavering support have catapulted them into a life they never dreamed possible.

.......My sister Alecia and her children Garion and Alex, whose ability to survive is amazing.  She has a strength and an inner motivation that has overcome many extremely difficult situations, and though right now she can not see it, her ability to survive through it all is a great blessing.  I am grateful for all the good things that are entering her life as she comes through this new hard period.  May she be blessed with joy, peace, and understanding.

......My brother Nate, who has as many great ideas as our father and is an amazingly hard worker.  I am thankful that he can move forward with a variety of projects and that he is always willing to get up at 3am or 4 am to go to work.  I am thankful for his ability and motivation to work hard, and to help our father and his desire to help family and friends.

.......My best friend Kay, whose loyalty and love have never wavered over the nearly 20 years we have known each other.  And for whose creativity and insane work ethic have always amazed me.

........My ex-spouse A and A's family, for even though we are no longer together, we both parent the same children, and A is working on getting more stable.  A's family has been wonderful and supportive, and even when they have not agreed with my decisions, they are still there for me and the boys, and embrace me as a continuing member of their family just as my family still embraces A as a member of ours.

........My extended family is filled with talented and amazing people.  My cousin Paul, whose photography blesses me with its beauty.  My cousin Jennifer who is a survivor and has overcome many challenges in her life, and who is someone I think about nearly every day.  My other cousins whose lives helped shape my childhood, even though we have grown apart in adulthood.

.........My friends old and new, the  many blessed friends I have from childhood who still are close to my heart, my friends from college, many of whom are still significant blessings in my life now, my friends from various jobs and places I have lived...I have been blessed by friends from so many walks of life, so many different perspective and outlooks, so many different beliefs and creeds---I am blessed by the amazing variety of people who have loved me and called me friend.  For this variety and for each of those amazing people I am truly and completely grateful.

......I am thankful for my blog and website readers, through whom I can spread my stories, my theories, my ideas, and the knowledge I have gained, so that maybe others can use it in a way that enhanced their life positively.

......I am thankful for the amazing ways we have to keep in touch with old friends and family--facebook, email, websites, telephone, snail mail, and even face to face.  So many ways to keep in touch with the people that have been and are parts of our lives.

.......I am thankful for my relationship with the Ever Living God, that Powerful Consciousness that links all of us together, that Source of all Energy from which we all emanate and exist.

......I am thankful for a hopeful future filled with blessings.

Where to begin...

Well, for starters, my ex-spouse and now friend A has finally moved into an apartment and out of my father's house.  A is renting a nice 2 bedroom in town and my brother and his friend helped move (well moved not just helped) all of A's furniture out of my father's house and out of the old trailer (where it has been stored with a bunch of my stuff too) and got it into the new apartment.   So while unpacking and setting things up needs to happen, A is officially self-supporting.  A also, thankfully, was given more hours at work and so should be able to afford to keep this apartment.  It is beautiful, a big kitchen dining room combo, a medium sized living room, a nice sized bedroom for A, and a little bedroom for the boys for when they spend the night.  I have taken the boys over every evening since Tuesday to help A feel settled in (the couch from the landlord was already there and I took the boys TV out of their bedroom and took it over as A's place comes with everything included--heat, electric, hot water, cable, and wifi.  I am hoping that the boys will enjoy being able to has 1-on-1 time with their other parent.  Hopefully we can nail down a consistent schedule so the boys always know that they can count on having specific time with their Bubba. 

I have also signed a rental deal with the owners of the old laundromat, and will be converting it to a single family residence and running a family daycare from there.  It is a big building with a good, level yard.  I am nervous about it, as it is quite an investment.  If all goes well, after 3 years they will hold the mortgage and I will buy the property.  I will fill in details about this as time goes on.  Suffice to say that between doing all the trainings and paperwork for the child care licensing, and now getting all the permits and doing the renovations for the house/day care, I am going to be one busy lady.  it is good though.  I am ready for a project that challenges in me different way than I am challenged by raising children with special needs.

I'll update some on how Josiah's struggles with Kindergarten are going. I will also be updating on how I am expanding my use of the Nurtured Heart Approach in trying to help both of my boys have more security and self control so that they can function better and enjoy life more.  If you look into it, I have read the book multiple times as I have been trying to prepare myself to use this approach to parenting.  I did not want to do it halfway.  I am at step five, the credit system.  We started using it today, and we had a day wonderfully free of major arguments, fights between the boys, bad language, and tantrums.  Josiah only had one episode of "freaking out" as he calls it, and it was short and resolved quickly. Gonzo only had one round of insane, incessant whining and arguing and it was not at me or his brother, at the video game he had chosen to spend his credits to play. The extreme positive affirmation aspect is something we have been building up to, and using a clear, unemotional consequence for broken rules seems like it is going to work.  I have a bit of tweaking to do to the system, as it is very flexible and can be used by anyone in any situation, I just have to find the right balance that works for us.  But so far, it appears by the calm and happy evening I had with the boys, that once we adjust to this system, life may be a whole lot more peaceful, and our relationships with each other and hopefully with extended family, school, and community will drastically improve in quality.  It is a challenge to essentially toss out traditional (and not so traditional) parenting models and advice, but those have not had much effect on the family dynamic with intense and difficult children who have gone through intense and difficult times over the past few years.  It was time to try a drastically different approach (which has elements of other models and ideas that we have worked with in the past, but applied more intensely), and if the first day was any indication, if I do this right and consistently my children will feel more empowered, more in control of themselves, and have more respect for others, while building them up rather than tearing them down, which most parenting models essentially do (though I had not really realized that before I started exploring this method).  Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us that by fully embracing the Nurtured Heart Approach to parenting difficult children, that like, for all of us will improve.  It is amazing how hard it is to train yourself to give positive affirmation rather than negative feedback when it comes to behavior.  Like most of our culture, I had been programed to try to give attention and specific examples to behavior that was not correct more intensely than giving praise and affirmation and specific recongition to behavior that was correct.

The fair, school shopping, and tax returns

Wow!  It has been over a week since I last posted.  I think this is the longest I have gone since starting this blog.  Okay so, the fair was GREAT!!  I had the most fun at the fair that I have had in years.  The kids were interested in so many things, which was great, and my sister and her two kids were with us for most of the rides so that G could go on some rides that J was too small for, and my sister's daughter and J could go on some smaller rides.  The kids also really enjoyed the shows (jugglers, magic, and puppet) for the first time, really paying attention to them.  And as always the animals were great.  This year J even reached out to pet some of the goats and sheep (previously he was too scared of them to touch them), and they asked all sorts of good questions, especially Jos.  It is amazing how much the difference between age 4 and age 5 is in that regard, he really has developed such a wonderful and genuine curiosity about the world and what he encounters, and is not shy at all about asking questions.  I actually budgeted correctly for the fair, brought a jug of coolade for the kids and prefilled water bottles for me, so that we did not spend stupid money on beverages which are horrible overpriced.  We had fun eating some traditional fair food, and had a set budget for games (and I carefully led them to games that they win a nice prize every time for about half of the ones they played).  And they are getting big enough to ride some of the rides I used to love as a kid, which was great to watch them enjoy them.  So, the fair was GREAT even with a drenching downpour we got caught in that required a full change of clothes and the purchase of some disposable rain ponchos (so that we did not have to do another clothes change as it was rainy much of the day).

Then this week we have been getting ready for school which starts next week.  We finished off the Dr. appointments with a trip for J to the Pulmonary doc and then the next day a trip to the dentist.  Both kids have freshly cleaned and polished teeth to start school.  AND Jos FINALLY has a date for his dental surgery (a project we have been working on...long story...since last July).  So September 22nd he will go in for dental restoration surgery and finally get his teeth fixed!!  I am glad it is finally getting done, I am NOT however, looking forward to anesthesia.  But, he will be okay, just his lung issue make me very nervous with the anesthesia.  But anyway aside from a couple of harder to find items (like new socks for under Jo's AFO braces), we are all set for the start of school on Tuesday.  Gonz will be in the same self contained classroom out of district this year as he was last year, he is technically in third grade, and does grade level or above work for most subjects, but need the extreme structure to contain him so that he can focus and be successful.  He is in a classroom that covers grade 2-5.  And he will have most of the same teachers and assistants as last year (most of the same kids too).  His only change will be a different one to one.  So I am looking forward to a better school year fro him this year as they already know him--his strengths and weaknesses, his cues for when he is nearing a loss of self control, and they know what works to help him maintain composure and also how to handle things in a positive and firm way when he dos push over the limits.    His big change will be that he will be riding a bus or van down instead of having me drive him.  But he will be the only one who goes at that time, so the peer-peer problems on the bus will not be an issue.  Jos is starting main stream Kindergarten, which will be good for him but will be quite a change.

On one more note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, after months of waiting and dealing with an IRS audit, I have finally gotten my income tax return and just in the nick of time.  Now I can pay rent a head a couple of months, get my heat paid ahead, and be ready for winter.  So if my freelance writing income is not quite up to par yet, I have a bit of a time cushion to continue finding some more sources of income to make ends meet.

Thank you God for providing exactly when I need it.

A quick hello...Going to the FAIR

Just a quick hello, as I have not posted in a week or so, which is odd for me.  But the kids are not in school right now, which is a major change from our normal routine.  Summer school ended August 12th so we have been cramming in a bunch of doctor appointments between summer school and the start of the regular school year on September 6th.  Tomorrow, though, is one of my favorite days of the entire year, and has been even since I was a little kids.  Tomorrow is FAIR DAY!!!  Since before I was born, our family has gone to the Washington County Fair on Thursday which is Children's day.  We still meet up with my cousins and their kids, and we experience all the joys of the agricultural fair.  Though I do not live in Washington County but it is still the fair we have always gone to.  I did miss probably 7 out of my 37 years (I went as a baby before I was 1 and as I will be 37 in October, that makes 37 years of fair going counting tomorrow).  It is not always easy when I was living out of state or if my college classes started prior to the fair date.  But the past few years I have been able to take the kids to the fair and enjoy watching them share in this family tradition.  Maybe someday we will have chickens or rabbits or sheep that we can actually show at the fair, when we get tot he point that we have a farm of our own. 

So, I feel a bit like a kid again as I am getting ready for the fair tomorrow. I have figured out a way to carry J's walker on his stroller so that can switch back and forth between the two easily.  This will be the first year we take his walker as previously he has not been very adept at using it, but now he truly walks with it, so it should be fun for him. I will have to take pics to post them.  Cows, chickens, rabbits, sheep, goats, piggies, turkeys, geese, ducks, chickens, chickens, chickens (not much has changed my favorite building at the fair is the poultry and rabbit house, where they have the most amazing display of rabbits, geese, turkeys, ducks and....you guessed it...CHICKENS!!!!  I love chickens.  I have actually been working on repairing the old coop at my dad's house and getting a little brooder ready.  I may not be able to have chickens at home (as I rent an apartment) but I CAN have them at my dad's house.  So I have the stuff ready and am going to see if anyone is selling chicks at the fair.  If not I will mail order some with my next check.  Anyway, I am so excited about chickens, AND I am packing ear plugs for the kids as both of them have sensory issues with sound and the poultry house is LOUD, as well as the loud midway....The Fair....we're going to the fair....:)

Interesting thinking and planning

Josiah was so excited about his birthday.  He is such an amazing little guy.  He is happy to be five years old, he is a big boy now! 

It has been an interesting couple of days aside from his birthday.  A was over (nothing new there, I really hope this job works out and A gets an apartment, and I can have my life back a little more).  A talked to the "first love" from high school.  That first love, who broke A's heart 30 years ago, talked with A about some of the issues that she dealt with back then.  And A finally gets why I say that when I drinks, i makes me fearful.  Finally someone else confirmed to A that A DOES throw things in my direction when angry (which I have told A many times and A has denied doing).  A finally is accepting that aggression, anger, and then depression are trademarks of what happens when A drinks.  A's first love is recently in recovery and was encouraging A to get into recovery.  A is down to 4 beers a day in an effort to quit drinking before the new job starts next week, which is a good idea.  The joys of detox are not fun, so I have a feeling A will be grumpy (and shaky) the next few days.  This is the third day of only 4 beers, and A was not shaking last night.  Now to drop down to 2-3 beers a day for a couple of days, and so on.  So hopefully A will be successful in moving forward.  A is excited about this prospect and so am I.  I know that A can do it, and can make choices that will lead to a good, healthy life.  A just needs to believe it, and to have the self worth to accept it.

Speaking of healthy lives, I have been doing what I do best--studying and researching (yes with some documentaries like "Fat Head" and books and research papers) a wide array of ideas and perspectives on health (implementing knowledge is my problem, I have a great deal of ability to amass knowledge, its the actual using of that knowledge that I seem to be slow on).  Anyway,  I have been compiling a list of things that I would like to implement for MY life to increase my overall health, most of which I have been working on transiting to, though keeping specific activities up for a long enough period to truly replace bad habits with good has been a challenge, as it is so easy to slip back into bad, long standing habits.  But I have been returning again and again to new habits, and each day, it is a little easier, and I know that each time I make a good choice rather than a bad choice, my life is moving in a good direction, a positive direction.

So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 150 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 90 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g of saturated veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to less than 3 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...

Forming habits....breaking habits

Well, so....

My son says that all the time "well, so...."  and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from.  Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it.  I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it.  I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else.  It is just something that I say unconsciously.  Funny the way the mind works....

Anyway, SO....Habits!

Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives.  Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit.  That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day.  Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns.  From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.

According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "

According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."


Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.

So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc...  And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions.  If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last.  For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months.  Well that is a great accomplishment.  But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking.  It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful.  You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later.  I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.

I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits.  They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action.  I believe that it is possible that both of these are true.  There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you.  I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you.  It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it.  It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that.  The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.

So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie.  Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit.  So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning.  This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.

The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts.  What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes. 

So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today."  Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!"  and it is a sense of wondering and joy.  More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?" 

Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in.  Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action.  For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real. 

I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now.  And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true.  There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later.  Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime.  And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job).  So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation.  Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival.  Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do.  So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light.  He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.

It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with.  It was not even leaving my job that created it.  It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
 having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives.  BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits.  If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different.  If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered.  If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have  occurred.  If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different.  IF......if.......if.......

But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you  handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)

My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been.  Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat.  It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us.  our habits create our habitat.  To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....

It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to.  Transformation appears to be a slow process....

seeking for calm...

So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault.  As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen.  It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith.  It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness.   But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery. 

Hopefully things have calmed down some today.  I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation.  It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?). 

Stress increases my desire to eat.  Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream).  So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good.  BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280.  Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.

The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us.  This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school.  Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright.  Gonzo has too.  So for this I am grateful.  I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions.  And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too.  I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see.  So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like

"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry.  Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been.  We still both love you and we are still both here for you.  And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can.  So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy.  Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now.  And things will get better very soon."

Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but  I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard).  But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.

Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend.  I'll probably write again on Monday.  Have a great weekend.

Truth may set you free, but it can be very painful...

It is said that "the truth will set you free", and even though it took me a long time to really accept the truth, and I knew immediately that I had to speak the truth even if it seemed abrupt and "out of the blue", I knew that living with the truth unspoken once realized would be wrong.  But free or not, truth sometimes makes life a lot more painful and a LOT more stressful for a while--I suppose its the adjustment period after have a profound deep realization of a truth. I can't live a lie and I will not give false hope to anyone when I know the truth, so that they too can move forward.
You may be wondering what I am talking about...well in my earlier post form earlier this week I spoke of the realization that I had that I am no longer in love with my separated spouse.  We have been separated for almost 15 months now, but I left for a multitude of reasons, and not being "in love" was not one of them.  Throughout this whole ordeal (beginning in 2008, about 20 months before I left) I have felt a lot of emotions that have gotten in the way of that "in love" emotive suite, but always knew that deep down underneath--below the pain and anger, the resentment and powerlessness, the worry and incredulity--that there was still that spark, still the yearning to be together, to rekindle the flame of love, to be in a spousal relationship, to know that after all that we have gone through both together and apart, that there is still that connection that drew us together into a relationship deeper and more profound than friendship.  Even as I spent time saying there was no chance we could get back together, I could never bring myself to say with certainty that there was no chance, because I believed that underneath my anger and pain, that the spark was still there. 

A few months ago it had gotten back to me that someone had said I was leading A along with false hope (even though I had explicitly said I did NOT want to get back together).  A part of me still held out a little bit of hope that things would come full circle and we could rebuild (or rather build anew) our full family structure together.  As I was not sure how long that would take, we really have been focusing on building a solid, secure friendship in which we bring mutual respect and care to that table as we co-parent our children while not together.  IT has been a good experience.  We have been able to enjoy each other's company, spend time together as a family, and have good conversation.  We really have been successful in building a friendship.  And A has the freedom to drink, spend money, make decisions, and do whatever without me interfering.  AND I have the freedom to NOT stress about A's drinking (which has been in moderation lately--a new and exciting step for A--which I can celebrate rather than get angry at), and to make my own choices, and live my own life too.  Things that have annoyed or bothered me, I can just ignore and let go.  I am not living with A, I am not "with" A, and so choices that I would not want for MY life, can just be let go because A's life is not my life.  This has greatly reduced tension between us.  I know what I can and cannot live with and A knows what A can and cannot live with.  And living separately, we don't end up forcing the other person to live in a situation that is unsafe or unacceptable for them.  I don't nag A and try to control A's life (though somehow I am still doing all the laundry (A's included) and making sure the car insurance is up to date even though my name is no longer on it).  And A can drink and do whatever A wants without worrying about someone harping on it.  There is obviously a lot more than that, but why go into it all.  Suffice to say, it is better to be friends with A and live our separate lives, than to be together and both be miserable and feel unsafe and disrespected in our daily lives. 

But over the past few weeks, I have really been looking at what it would be like to try to get back together with A.  A part of me hates the idea of our family being separated forever.  I WANT that old feeling of being excited that A is coming home.  I WANT that feeling or wanting to be close and be a together family again.  I WANT to look at our wedding album and read the song my mom wrote for us or the plaque my friend Nykie made for us, and be able to say "we made it through that huge crater in the road".  I WANT to wake up and have my spouse sleeping next to me.  I WANT to have a home where we both are and the kids can just have one place to lay their heads (technically they do now as A comes to my house to see the kids, but that's another thing).  I WANT to be able to plan for the future as a family and be able to discuss all of those decisions that you have to make in life.  I WANT to have a partner to walk through life with, to share the big things and the little things, to support each other through both good and bad times.  I WANT the Charles and Caroline Ingalls kind of love, respect, and devotion.  I want the Cliff and Claire Huxtable kind of humor-filled, love-filled, respect filled home.  I want to be that family that through thick and thin, no matter what, that pulls together, works together, and has the love and respect for each other that keeps them together for 50 years.  I WANT to do the hard work that really making a marriage last takes. I WANT an equal partner that brings half of the strength, joy, and ideas, and carries half of the burden of building, and maintaining, the needs of the family, and of the relationship. I WANT to have that spark that never dies even in the most trying times.

I also WANT to win a million dollars.  I WANT to go back to school and finish my PhD someday.  I WANT to have a nice house in the country.  I WANT my children to be healthy and free of their special needs.  I WANT to have a bunch of chickens.  I WANT to have a thin and healthy body.  I WANT to have a mini-van.  I WANT to have a dog that does not bring home fleas.  I WANT to always have enough.  I WANT to live to be 97.  I WANT to have the US economy fixed overnight.  I WANT to a world without war.  I WANT a lot of different things--some of which I can take steps and actions towards making them real in my life, and some of which I have no real control over.  In order for a relationship to be what I envision, I need to have someone on the other end of the relationship sharing that vision and working towards it as I work towards it.  That is one of those things about relationship, both people have to be moving in relatively the same direction with relatively the same goal, and with comparable levels of motivation and determination.  Unlike some other goals, relationship is the only one that absolutely requires the other person to be on the same page.

The other night A and I tried to get share something we have not shared since before our separation.  I was up half the night after that with this sense that something was terribly wrong.  We had been getting along really well.  We had been talking about building this camping area t my Dad's together, we had been doing a lot of family things together, we had been talking about how not having to stress about certain issues that were difficult in the past was great, and we seemed to be moving forward in some ways.  Yes there were things there are obviously still not right, and there was no way that we are in a place that we would want to be together again as a couple yet, but things were calm and enjoyable between us.  We have both changed in a lot of ways, and are kind of relearning who we are for ourselves and who each other are (poor grammatical syntax, I know).  But after I spent a lot of time looking deeply at what I was feeling and thinking, that it finally dawned on me what was missing, what was wrong.  That spark that I figured was just buried under all the hurt and anger and resentment, that spark that is really necessary to provide the motivation to do the monumental amount of hard work to rebuild a broken and painful relationship, that spark that makes you want to do whatever it takes to find the path back...that spark for me was gone.   IT was not just buried, it was not just crushed under all the crap that we had piled on top of it, it was not just flickering and needing fuel, it was gone.  I was not "in love" with A.  I was not attracted to A.  The desire to work towards what I WANT was that I WANT the idea.  But an idea can not sustain you.  "OMG" I thought,"I really have been leading A on and giving false hope. "  I have been lying to myself, I don't know for how long, but at least for a while.  I have been telling myself that if I just worked hard enough to overcome my anger, my resentment, my pain at what has transpired, that we could make it work.  But I have no desire to be in a marriage that has not got that deep sense of love, of attraction, of one-ness.  And I have no intention of hiding my lack of feelings and letting A not move on to have the option of finding someone who is passionate about A. 

Do I love A?  Yes, of course.  A is the other parent of my children, and has been becoming a good friend.  I do have love in my heart for A, and hope that we can remain friends and remain able to continue to be good parents to our children.  But I don't want to be with A, I don't want to be A's spouse.  Through this whole thing, I have felt "I don't want to be with A right now"  and had a laundry list of reasons why (some very good that anyone would understand and some nit-picky that only I would understand).  But I always figured it was temporary.  I realized the other day.  That I don't want to be with A.  Not in a "right now" sense, but in a "that's that" kind of sense. 

I felt it was necessary to share this with A, and did not do a very good job of it.  I don't want A to NOT move on emotionally.  I want A to make that informed choice.  I know that A still has that spark for me (even though I have heard "I hate you" out of A's mouth more often than I care to count over the past 3 years).  I know that A wants to be with me.  But we have both changed, and there are so many things that I am NOT willing to live with and that I will NOT have my children having to live with (some of which A agrees with me on, especially about the kids), that are still such a big part of who A is at the moment.  And without that internal, driving emotive suite of feelings and reasons of WANTING to be with A, it seems futile and pointless for us to put our lives on hold any longer when I really, honestly and truly am done.

I am having a hard time trying to explain to A, heck I am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself in a way that makes the words make any sense.  How do I explain the finality of the emotions that I am having verses the slight hope that used to be there.  How can I say for certain that a spark could never grow again?  How could i say that there really is no hope?  I have used all of the words before that I use now, but it is what is behind them that is so different.  Words are such a horribly limited way to communicate...to express the subtle differences that truly make a huge difference.  I can't even find the words to explain it myself to my self, it is a knowing more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than anything easily subjective.  It is a knowing.....

life in Transition for sure

Okay, so I have not written much in the past week.  It has been an interesting one.  I had a dr's appointment on Friday to go over blood work that I had done over a week before that.  And the results nearly knocked me on the floor.

My A1c results (the test that gives an average of your blood sugar levels over the past three months by measuring the percentage of glycalation of your hemoglobin (how much glucose is attached to the hemoglobin)) were extremely high.  11.2% to be exact.  Normal is around 5-6%, typical for someone with diabetes is around 7%, high is 8-9%.  That correlates to a blood sugar reading of around 310 on average over the last 3 months, and my fasting sugar that day was 279 (normal is fasting is below 100, normal random throughout the day is below 140, diabetics should aim for below 180).  overly high blood sugar is over 240, and levels over 300 are considered very dangerous.  So I have been walking around with my blood sugar levels in the extremely high and dangerous range for a while, and I did not even know it.  The last time I had an A1c and other blood work, my A1c was 7.1% and everything else was fine other than slightly elevated triglycerides.  that was in February 2010.

Since that time my marriage had fallen apart, I walked away from a great opportunity in Rhode Island due to the afore mentioned collapse of the family, I have moved into an apartment and taken a job that I drive over 100 every day 5 days a week (for over a year, though only 3 weeks left until it is over with), I have gone through the custody process in the courts and have physical custody of my kids (with shared legal custody), I have allowed A (even though we are separated) back into our lives on a daily basis, and have been rebuilding a friendship (though not without a lot of difficulty and baggage), and I have been trying to make plans for the future with a lot of uncertainty.  So some parts of my life are less stressful (my marriage was extremely stressful and the ending of that brought different stresses, but overall less stress) and some parts are more stressful (the fact that my primary source of income ends in a couple of weeks and the fact that I do not know where my relationship with A is going at this point in time--in the past week it has been a lot of ups and downs and trying to figure out if we can or even should try to put the family together again).  I have been trying to get enough money incoming through freelance writing and through ads for things that I recommend on both my blog and my website, but I am not a sales person and don't want to be, so I post links to things I like and hope that others will click those links and bring in a few pennies for me.  Literally, I have made $0.02 total through the ads that I share for things that I think my readers would like.  So, as I have no desire to try to push people to look at things that they are not inclined to look at on their own, I don't think I will supplement my income much by my website or blog.  Which is fine, I will still post links to cool things and books that I like and think others are interested in, but I know that I can not depend on it for any supplementing of my income. I have applied for a number of jobs, but they have not panned out so far.  And taking a low paying job is not a viable option as I would have to pay out more in childcare costs than I could bring in, even if I broke even it would not change the situation.  Having two children with moderate to severe special needs, means that I can not hire the high school kid down the street or even most adults to watch them.  As it is, even family struggles to watch both of them together for short periods of time.  Heck, even A struggles to have both of them alone for more than a couple of hours at a time.  Because their needs are so different and both are intensive (I forget sometimes because I am just used to them), and because the sibling rivalry between them adds whole other layer of intensity, the best solutions would be to hire two different sitters, one trained to meet each other this needs, and possibly have one cared for at home and the other cared for at the sitters home.  As J is an insurance liability (which I learned the last time I tried to work full time and put him in a day care center) finding care for him is very hard, and G has massive behavioural issues with peers which make it difficult for him to be in a group setting (hence the fact that he is in an 8:1:2 self-contained classroom and still needs a 1:1 aide just to go to school (8 kids, one teacher, two aides 8:1:2) and free time (unstructured without clear instructions for what he should do--like recess and lunch) are his hardest times of all.  It makes me miss Becky, our favorite babysitter from when we lived in our house.  She was a Masters student a the college, studying special ed--focusing a lot on autism and she herself had cerebral palsy--so she understood and knew how to handle both boys very well.  But alas she graduated and is a great teacher in an autism classroom now about 2 1/2 hours away (from here and from our old house), and we left our old house to renters (who paid one month rent and then lived rent free for over 6 months before I was able to evict them, and they trashed the house in the process, knowing that if they did not pays rent we could not pay the mortgage, and by trashing it, made it impossible to rent to someone else was we did not have the funds to repair the extent of damage they did--so it is in foreclosure proceedings sadly). 

Anyway, back to my lab results.  Stress is one of the primary causes leading to high blood sugar.  Being overweight puts a great deal of stress on the body, and them adding emotional and financial stress, pushed the body beyond what it can handle.  So as the past few years have been fraught with high, high levels of stress, and the past year in particular has been stressful.  Coupled with being overweight since my teens and not watching what I eat or exercising enough when things get stressful (being a stress eater--the more stressed I am the more I eat...) well, it has not boded well for my health.  So I as mentioned before, I watched that movie "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" recently and felt inspired to get more fresh vegetable food into my diet, and have started drinking green smoothies.  As a diabetic I can not do the juicing.  Maybe once my blood sugar levels are normal, then I plan on doing a juice fast as portrayed, but until them, I can still do the smoothies and add lots of nutritious vegetables to my body in a drinkable way.  But when I saw it originally, I could identify with the FAT part of the title, but the sick and nearly dead parts of the title I just wasn't feeling.  However when I got my blood test results:
A1c 11.2%
Cholesterol 218 (a little high, but as I have NEVER had cholesterol issues it is shocking to me)
LDL-144 (too high)
HDL-40 (too low)
Triglycerides 184 (too high)
and 2 of my liver enzymes were just slightly past the top of the high range.
My blood pressure, heart rate, and all my kidney and other tests were fine.

When I saw the results, I suddenly identified with the WHOLE title of that Movie.  Thought, Oh my gosh, now I know what it feels like to feel "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (well okay that one is an exaggeration, but I could actually see the path leading to that, which is as far as I want to go).

So, I was more than willing to go on pharmaceuticals in addition to making some immediate changes in my lifestyle and eating.  So on Saturday I started on Metformin 500mg 2x daily, and enapril once a day (to protect the kidneys as with that much sugar running through them can cause a lot of damage).  I began tracking my foods in Spark People again.  And am taking my blood sugar readings twice a day.  The big thing is getting it below 300 and keeping it below 300 (that is step one, getting it below 240 is step two, and then getting it below 200 is step three, after that pushing it down to normal ranges is the ultimate goal, but transitions--quick transitions as this is what I consider an emergency situation). I was told not to check my fasting sugar as we already know it is really high.  What I need to do it to check my sugar 1-2 hours after a meal and keep track of what pushes my sugar up and what brings it down, as each person is different, and your body reacts differently at different time of day, so over the next three months, I need to closely record my food intake, glucose levels, and activities to determine what food I can have when and what ones I need to avoid and when. I have my basic dietary guidelines from the diabetes educator, and my doctor told me to try eating a healthy cereal with milk in the morning rather than my typical sausage eggs and cheese sandwich.  I forgot to check my levels Saturday. 

Sunday I had a bowl of Special K cereal with milk.  Two hours later I checked my sugar and it was 380!!!!.  For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on WW bread.  For a snack I had a green smoothie. For dinner we had a hamburger cooked on the grill (with a WW bun), some vegetarian baked beans, a couple of chips (I know I should not have), and a hot dog (no bun).  I went for a nearly two hour hike around my Dad's property, with my Dad, A, Gonz, and Jos (mainly carried Jos either on my shoulders or just a front carry (he can't do a side carry on the hip as his hips do not open far enough).  We were looking for a place for me to build a lean-to, which the building guy at the town clerks office said I did not need a permit for and told me the zoning distances I needed to stay within.  I want a nice camping place for me and the kids that we can tailor to Josiah's physical needs and to Gonzo's need for clear boundaries.  As much as we loved going down to Garnet Lake and tent camping, there were some things (like massive hills and very uneven rocky paths to get to the camp site, not to mention a road between the campsite and the lake) that made it difficult for us.  So we got quite a bit of exercise that day.

I did not get around to checking my blood sugar again until late evening and it was still at 345.  So I had two hard boiled eggs as a snack (high protein no carbs) and started to look for ways to quickly lower blood sugar, and did some of the water drinking and breathing exercises (breathing helps relax your body which reduces stress and thus allows blood sugar to function more normally).  Before I went to bed 45 minutes later, my sugar was down to 295--yeah breathing and water.  So Monday, having learned that too many carbs for breakfast was a BAD thing for my body, I ate sausage, egg , and cheese but only used the thin half of an english muffin, and had coffee with just cream, no sugar or sweetener, and just water.  Then I went for my 45 minute walk around the pond.  When I got to the library, I checked my blood sugar (1.5 hours after finishing breakfast) and it was 193!!!  A HUGE drop.  Protein works for me in the morning.  I had sliced turkey for lunch (no bread) and a grapefruit. For snack after school I had bought a coconut as Josiah has been wanting a coconut for some reason, so we had a coconut for snack.  IT was from a discount food place, and old, and not as tasty as I remember fresh coconut being.  So not a good intro for him to fresh coconut that we had to break the shell to get.  But that was my snack.  Dinner was a stir fry with broccoli, cabbage, yellow squash, carrots, celery, onion, garlic, and black beans with spices and vinegar.  Then I did a boo-boo, I ate a piece of Digorno's pizza that A had picked up for the kids.  I really should not have as it pushed my carbs over what they were supposed to be for the day.  When I took my sugar after dinner though it was 262, so not great but under the 300 mark that I am aiming for this week.

Last night was an interesting night with A, which I will not go into on here, but it definitely added a lot for me to think about, that of course adds stress.  A part of me would love for our family to be together again, and I really would love to try and have a biological baby and go through pregnancy and care for a baby right from conception.  I love my kids, and always planned on having three kids total.  So it was always part of the plan, it was just that adoption ended up being the first path we took, as there are so many kids waiting for families.  But I still want to have one child from my own body.  Which with the fact that I am almost 37, am still very overweight (thus greatly increasing chance of miscarriage), and now with my sugar issues--makes that possibility even lower.  Add in the broken family and the idea that A and I might NOT be able to reform a family, well, it is a hard thing to let go of.  I know that our relationship has not been healthy, and that A is not that much different now than 3 years ago, which is when A had picked up the bottle again, and has not put it down.  I actually had a couple of drinks with A for the first time over the past week--Mike' Hard Lemonade.  That was nice, but weird.  As I don't drink often, but every once in a while will have a glass of while or a margarita, or a Mike's Lemonade (seems popular in my family these days), I have never had a drink with A.  A was in recovery when we met, and one of the things we did was no alcohol in the house.  I had no problem with that as a six pack of my favorite beer (I am very picky, as gross beer is just, well, gross) would take me a year to drink.  I know that from a time before A when my best friend had brought me a six pack of my favorite beer (which I had trouble finding when I moved from that area) and it was nearly a year later when I had the last one with my brother in law.  So, yeah, having a drink with A was weird, as for so long A tried to hide (unsuccessfully) the relapse in 2008, and then after my mother in law died, just crawled back into the bottle in 2009, and then after detox, and when I thought we were moving forward went back into the lying and hiding mode of drinking in 2010, which was when I decided I couldn't live that way any longer (lots more went on of course, but that is a bit of a nutshell pertinent to todays post, see a much earlier post for more explanation (from mid-March)). Lately A has been more moderate in drinking, a few beers a day or so.  And behaving mostly.  So when offered a Mike's I said Okay.  but that actually, after typing it all out, really is a side bar that does not have much to do with what I was talking about, so I suppose I did not need to include it.  I'll leave it anyway.

Point is, no matter how stressful life is, I need to make changes NOW to ensure a better future.  More than ever before, I know I need to make some major changes, one of which has got to be in my eating/exercise habits.  The other biggie has got to be in my levels of stress.  Perhaps, after really realizing last night that while I love A, A is the other parent of my children, I am not IN LOVE with A, at all.  I have said it for a while, but a part of me always just thought that I was still in love, that that spark was still there somewhere, that it was something that maybe could be rekindled and we could overcome all of the crap that has happened over the past few years.  But the spark has gone out, and that actually makes me quite sad.  And it's not like A's behavior and daily living has altered in a away that makes me want to try to light a new spark.  There has been little transformation on that end, and I want a partner not another child, but with A I feel like I have another child rather than an equal adult partner in my life.  And that has not changed.  Most of the things that I did not like about A are still there, and only a few of the things that I fell in love with in the first place have survived the events of the past few years.  Sure, maybe someday A will turn around, maybe someday the person I met will return, or a transformed person will emerge.  But maybe not.  It took my mother over 10 years to really recover from the death of her mother (and her daughter, grandmother and father--all in a 5 year period).  And as my father says, when you lose a parent or a child, or anyone you love, you don't get over it.  It leaves a hole in your heart.  You just have to learn how to live with that hole.  It is what I have called finding a new normal.  Anytime there is a major life event (birth/adoption, death, loss of job, new job, moving, etc...) it takes time to find a new normal.  I almost had found a new normal last fall before A returned.  Now I feel like we are floundering around again.  Part of it is the uncertainty of the future, most poignantly the uncertainty of income.  They boys disability subsidies will still come each month to help offset the inherent issues in raising children with special needs (like the inability to work full time), but it is not really enough to live on unless I move back into the trailer, which needs SO much work (even though we already put a lot of work into it), or to move in with my Dad, which has its own set of issues, not the least of which is the fact that A lives there and I am not really ready to live with A again.

So anyway, my life of transformation seems to have a lot of areas that need to be transformed....