Wow! It has been over a week since I last posted. I think this is the longest I have gone since starting this blog. Okay so, the fair was GREAT!! I had the most fun at the fair that I have had in years. The kids were interested in so many things, which was great, and my sister and her two kids were with us for most of the rides so that G could go on some rides that J was too small for, and my sister's daughter and J could go on some smaller rides. The kids also really enjoyed the shows (jugglers, magic, and puppet) for the first time, really paying attention to them. And as always the animals were great. This year J even reached out to pet some of the goats and sheep (previously he was too scared of them to touch them), and they asked all sorts of good questions, especially Jos. It is amazing how much the difference between age 4 and age 5 is in that regard, he really has developed such a wonderful and genuine curiosity about the world and what he encounters, and is not shy at all about asking questions. I actually budgeted correctly for the fair, brought a jug of coolade for the kids and prefilled water bottles for me, so that we did not spend stupid money on beverages which are horrible overpriced. We had fun eating some traditional fair food, and had a set budget for games (and I carefully led them to games that they win a nice prize every time for about half of the ones they played). And they are getting big enough to ride some of the rides I used to love as a kid, which was great to watch them enjoy them. So, the fair was GREAT even with a drenching downpour we got caught in that required a full change of clothes and the purchase of some disposable rain ponchos (so that we did not have to do another clothes change as it was rainy much of the day).
Then this week we have been getting ready for school which starts next week. We finished off the Dr. appointments with a trip for J to the Pulmonary doc and then the next day a trip to the dentist. Both kids have freshly cleaned and polished teeth to start school. AND Jos FINALLY has a date for his dental surgery (a project we have been working on...long story...since last July). So September 22nd he will go in for dental restoration surgery and finally get his teeth fixed!! I am glad it is finally getting done, I am NOT however, looking forward to anesthesia. But, he will be okay, just his lung issue make me very nervous with the anesthesia. But anyway aside from a couple of harder to find items (like new socks for under Jo's AFO braces), we are all set for the start of school on Tuesday. Gonz will be in the same self contained classroom out of district this year as he was last year, he is technically in third grade, and does grade level or above work for most subjects, but need the extreme structure to contain him so that he can focus and be successful. He is in a classroom that covers grade 2-5. And he will have most of the same teachers and assistants as last year (most of the same kids too). His only change will be a different one to one. So I am looking forward to a better school year fro him this year as they already know him--his strengths and weaknesses, his cues for when he is nearing a loss of self control, and they know what works to help him maintain composure and also how to handle things in a positive and firm way when he dos push over the limits. His big change will be that he will be riding a bus or van down instead of having me drive him. But he will be the only one who goes at that time, so the peer-peer problems on the bus will not be an issue. Jos is starting main stream Kindergarten, which will be good for him but will be quite a change.
On one more note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, after months of waiting and dealing with an IRS audit, I have finally gotten my income tax return and just in the nick of time. Now I can pay rent a head a couple of months, get my heat paid ahead, and be ready for winter. So if my freelance writing income is not quite up to par yet, I have a bit of a time cushion to continue finding some more sources of income to make ends meet.
Thank you God for providing exactly when I need it.
Showing posts with label finances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finances. Show all posts
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Forming habits....breaking habits
Well, so....
My son says that all the time "well, so...." and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from. Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it. I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it. I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else. It is just something that I say unconsciously. Funny the way the mind works....
Anyway, SO....Habits!
Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives. Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit. That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day. Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns. From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.
According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "
According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."
Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.
So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc... And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions. If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last. For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months. Well that is a great accomplishment. But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking. It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful. You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later. I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.
I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits. They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action. I believe that it is possible that both of these are true. There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you. I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you. It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it. It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that. The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.
So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie. Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit. So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning. This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.
The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts. What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes.
So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today." Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!" and it is a sense of wondering and joy. More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?"
Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in. Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action. For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real.
I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now. And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true. There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later. Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime. And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job). So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation. Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival. Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do. So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light. He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.
It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with. It was not even leaving my job that created it. It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives. BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits. If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different. If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered. If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have occurred. If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different. IF......if.......if.......
But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)
My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been. Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat. It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us. our habits create our habitat. To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....
It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to. Transformation appears to be a slow process....
My son says that all the time "well, so...." and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from. Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it. I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it. I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else. It is just something that I say unconsciously. Funny the way the mind works....
Anyway, SO....Habits!
Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives. Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit. That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day. Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns. From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.
According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "
According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."
Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.
So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc... And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions. If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last. For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months. Well that is a great accomplishment. But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking. It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful. You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later. I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.
I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits. They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action. I believe that it is possible that both of these are true. There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you. I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you. It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it. It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that. The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.
So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie. Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit. So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning. This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.
The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts. What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes.
So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today." Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!" and it is a sense of wondering and joy. More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?"
Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in. Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action. For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real.
I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now. And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true. There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later. Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime. And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job). So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation. Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival. Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do. So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light. He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.
It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with. It was not even leaving my job that created it. It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives. BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits. If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different. If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered. If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have occurred. If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different. IF......if.......if.......
But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)
My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been. Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat. It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us. our habits create our habitat. To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....
It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to. Transformation appears to be a slow process....
Thursday, June 23, 2011
WOW, some days are just stressful.....
Well, today is one of those days. G finished up with school yesterday, but Jos still had a regular day today as his last day. I had to replace the rotors and pads on the front brakes. I actually bought the parts and my father was going to do it, but he could not get the rotors off. So I took it to the garage, and it ended up costing $112 JUST IN LABOR as I already gave them the parts for it. I also asked them to remount the tires on the front. as they are wearing unevenly and by switching them around you can get more mileage out of them before i have to come up with the money for new tires and an alignment. But they said they felt the tires were not good enough so they would not do it, which means I need to ask my brother if he can do it. And A's brake pads are completely down to the metal. I don't know why A let them get so far down. At this point the rotors will have to replaced too, when if the pads had been done a week ago, it would have only cost like $20 for the pads. I know it is not my vehicle and I have no reason to feel like it is going to come out of my pocket, but in the trickle down effect that I have from A, if something costs A money, I end up "lending" money for gas and other things to make up the difference. Normally I don't mind giving money to people as I know that in the end, if I need it, they will be there for me as I was for them. But lately I feel like with my ex, the fair exchange of favors has become very one sided. For a while, it was working out fine, I would lend A money to get to the next paycheck (weekly) and at the end of the month, A would get it back to me as I needed to stretch to my next paycheck (which is monthly), but lately the amount I give out and the amount I get back are getting further and further apart, which I can not afford. And A is getting more and more negative again, which just makes me want to scream, because I am trying to get away from the negativity in my life, not draw a whole bunch more in, especially when A has some really great prospects out there right now that should be bringing a MORE positive attitude and feelings. I suppose it goes back to choice, we each choose whether we focus on the negatives in our lives or on the positives. I guess today's post is more of a negative focus for me, from me.....something more for me to think about and adjust in my own attitude...
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work. Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library. Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm. So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them.
It has just been one of those crazy, run around days. Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank. He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired. I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away. An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep. I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping). So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods. And A was not is a good one this morning. Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job. Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers. But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services. overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable. So A is going back to that hopefully. Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life. And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.
So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out. Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Interviews, Incomes, and Ideas....
Well, I had an interview via phone today with a company out near my ex's family. it seemed to go well and I should hear by the end of the week or early next week if I am invited in for a face to face interview with the next person up the chain. If that goes well there will be a final interview with the director of that division of the company. And if that goes well, I may have a fair paying job, so a move of nearly 5 hours would have to commence and we would have to start the process of finding the right schools for the kids, and hopefully getting into an area where they are easy to work with as a team and not an "us and them" attitude school district. But anyway, I made it to the first step in a potential job process. Getting back to my career after four years away from it is an exciting possibility.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Just touching base
To my faithful readers, however many you may be (one, two, twenty...), I wanted to touch base and say i am still here. I know it has been a few days since I last posted. Last week blogger was down for almost 3 days, but it has been back up for a couple of days and I have not been posting. Sorry about that.
Last week the kids were out sick both Thursday and Friday. They both had fevers, cough and clogged heads. They still both have post nasal drip and Josiah is very congested, though the fever part is gone. J has been having a neb treatment before bed and his inhaler before school to help keep him clearer. G is much less affected, though he also seems more tired. poor G slipped in the tub last night (he was trying to get on his knees from a sitting position, so it was not a horrible slip) and bumped his cheek bone hard on the side of the tub. He was NOT pleased about having ice put on it to minimize the hurt, especially as he had just been in a nice warm tub. But he didn't look too worse for wear this morning, a little bruise but no swelling. I told him that this was why I tell them no horseplay in the tub, and he looked at me strangely and said "I was not playing like a horse". Mr black and white. I tried to explain that it was an expression about playing by jumping around and spinning and acting crazy silly. But still this morning he was saying he wasn't playing like a horse. So I don't quite think he got my explanation.
I have done very little writing these past couple of weeks. mainly because I have not been able to snag any of the first come first serve assignments at Writers access. I should probably check first thing in the morning before I wake the kids up, but usually it is nearly 10am when I check and any early morning assignment have been snagged. And then it is hit or miss through the day. I should be concentrating on writing for Associated Content or writing for my website, or concentrating on getting some other gigs, or maybe even writing my book ( I have two in progress one non-fiction and one science fiction).
Instead I have been spending a great deal of time applying for jobs in a variety of areas, considering going back to school as I have never had this much trouble finding a job. A problem with a few things--being out of my highly technical and fast paced technical career for over 4 years (and thus 4 years behind on technology which changes rapidly); being over qualified for most positions that require a B Sc degree and NOT having a MSc degree to back up nearly 10 years of experience; and thirdly, the fact that I am not wholeheartedly committed to getting back into laboratory research even though that is the extreme bulk of my experience and qualifications. I have toyed with the idea of training for a different profession for a long time, of answering a calling that has been on my heart for over a decade, that I have managed to ignore. So I am starting to look into that path a bit, as it seems many of my other paths are not open to me.
Obviously I am keeping a very open mind. I have not heard back yet about the farm opportunity. I have not yet had any responses to the resumes I have sent out for a variety of biology jobs in a variety of places (yes, I think staying where I am is really not possible, there are no higher level jobs (I could keep going as I have been doing a bunch of inconsistent odd jobs with little overall dependable pay--the bulk of which could be earned over the summer) or I could move (thus starting the process of finding the right education opportunities for the boy s again--for which G is particularly difficult and the one most drastically affected by any move we make) and find a consistent, regular job with adequate pay, or I could see if there is still time for me to get my application in for jumping into an educational program which would take me down a new career path, which would again necessitate moving unless I do an online degree program, however, with hat comes expense and the possibility of having to take out MORE student loans, unless I can get a grant to pay for it (which is possible if I stay in NY as I have never used my TAP grant).
So I am still flittering around in that limbo of indecision. A place I have spent far too much time. In one of the many books I have read recently (I can't remember which one), the author talked about how id you are in say Las Vegas and want to get to Los Angeles, but don't know exactly how to get there, just a basic direction, if you head in the basic direction and keep going, you will eventually come to Los Angeles, even if you don't know specifically how to get there. You just commit to the direction and keep moving that way, you will get to your chosen destination. However if you set out in that direction half heartedly, and change your mind and start heading in a different direction, and change your mind again and try to get back to Las vegas, and change your mind again and start on a different path, you could literally wander in the desert for a LONG time before you reach anything like a fulfilling destination. The sucky part is that then you are always traveling, struggling at times to deal with surviving in the desert (sound familiar doesn't it--like Moses and the Israelites...), knowing that there is place for you, somewhere you need to be, but without having committed yourself heart soul and mind to moving towards that "promised land" no matter what obstacles, then you will forever be lost, wandering in the desert of fear and indecisiveness. Which is kinda where I am...
There is much more I want to say about that, but it is Wednesday and J has Aquatic PT so I need to go pick him up now...
Last week the kids were out sick both Thursday and Friday. They both had fevers, cough and clogged heads. They still both have post nasal drip and Josiah is very congested, though the fever part is gone. J has been having a neb treatment before bed and his inhaler before school to help keep him clearer. G is much less affected, though he also seems more tired. poor G slipped in the tub last night (he was trying to get on his knees from a sitting position, so it was not a horrible slip) and bumped his cheek bone hard on the side of the tub. He was NOT pleased about having ice put on it to minimize the hurt, especially as he had just been in a nice warm tub. But he didn't look too worse for wear this morning, a little bruise but no swelling. I told him that this was why I tell them no horseplay in the tub, and he looked at me strangely and said "I was not playing like a horse". Mr black and white. I tried to explain that it was an expression about playing by jumping around and spinning and acting crazy silly. But still this morning he was saying he wasn't playing like a horse. So I don't quite think he got my explanation.
I have done very little writing these past couple of weeks. mainly because I have not been able to snag any of the first come first serve assignments at Writers access. I should probably check first thing in the morning before I wake the kids up, but usually it is nearly 10am when I check and any early morning assignment have been snagged. And then it is hit or miss through the day. I should be concentrating on writing for Associated Content or writing for my website, or concentrating on getting some other gigs, or maybe even writing my book ( I have two in progress one non-fiction and one science fiction).
Instead I have been spending a great deal of time applying for jobs in a variety of areas, considering going back to school as I have never had this much trouble finding a job. A problem with a few things--being out of my highly technical and fast paced technical career for over 4 years (and thus 4 years behind on technology which changes rapidly); being over qualified for most positions that require a B Sc degree and NOT having a MSc degree to back up nearly 10 years of experience; and thirdly, the fact that I am not wholeheartedly committed to getting back into laboratory research even though that is the extreme bulk of my experience and qualifications. I have toyed with the idea of training for a different profession for a long time, of answering a calling that has been on my heart for over a decade, that I have managed to ignore. So I am starting to look into that path a bit, as it seems many of my other paths are not open to me.
Obviously I am keeping a very open mind. I have not heard back yet about the farm opportunity. I have not yet had any responses to the resumes I have sent out for a variety of biology jobs in a variety of places (yes, I think staying where I am is really not possible, there are no higher level jobs (I could keep going as I have been doing a bunch of inconsistent odd jobs with little overall dependable pay--the bulk of which could be earned over the summer) or I could move (thus starting the process of finding the right education opportunities for the boy s again--for which G is particularly difficult and the one most drastically affected by any move we make) and find a consistent, regular job with adequate pay, or I could see if there is still time for me to get my application in for jumping into an educational program which would take me down a new career path, which would again necessitate moving unless I do an online degree program, however, with hat comes expense and the possibility of having to take out MORE student loans, unless I can get a grant to pay for it (which is possible if I stay in NY as I have never used my TAP grant).
So I am still flittering around in that limbo of indecision. A place I have spent far too much time. In one of the many books I have read recently (I can't remember which one), the author talked about how id you are in say Las Vegas and want to get to Los Angeles, but don't know exactly how to get there, just a basic direction, if you head in the basic direction and keep going, you will eventually come to Los Angeles, even if you don't know specifically how to get there. You just commit to the direction and keep moving that way, you will get to your chosen destination. However if you set out in that direction half heartedly, and change your mind and start heading in a different direction, and change your mind again and try to get back to Las vegas, and change your mind again and start on a different path, you could literally wander in the desert for a LONG time before you reach anything like a fulfilling destination. The sucky part is that then you are always traveling, struggling at times to deal with surviving in the desert (sound familiar doesn't it--like Moses and the Israelites...), knowing that there is place for you, somewhere you need to be, but without having committed yourself heart soul and mind to moving towards that "promised land" no matter what obstacles, then you will forever be lost, wandering in the desert of fear and indecisiveness. Which is kinda where I am...
There is much more I want to say about that, but it is Wednesday and J has Aquatic PT so I need to go pick him up now...
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!
Well, now everyone is sick. I am not too bad just exhausted. G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G). By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped. So I called the school and let them know he was not coming. Then we turned around and headed home. You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would? Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
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