Wow--what a week!

Okay, so I am really tired today--it has been one long week....

So there was an insurance glitch and so A did NOT go into rehab on Monday and was at my dinner table Monday night (and Tuesday and Wednesday night...)  But thankfully the insurance glitch got straightened out and A left for rehab yesterday and has started the journey towards a new or renewed life.  I will have to figure out when I can clean out A's apartment and arrange to move all of A's furniture into storage (in my garage)

The carpet is down in the daycare area of the house as of Wednesday--YAY!!!  it has been professional cleaned and has dried, thus ready for the room to be set up as of today. I have been getting the base boards together and need to cut a few to fit, so hopefully tonight I will have the big room's baseboards done after work.  And today will be the last day of babysitting outside of my home, as this weekend I should be able to get the daycare area all set up and ready to roll, so the two kids I currently babysit can come here and play.  AND I will hopefully be able to be ready for upcoming inspections in the day care licensing process, which will allow me to more than 2 children in addition to my own. You can watch up to two children at any given time in NYS without a license, but need a license to watch more--the license I am applying for will allow me to watch up to 6 kids in addition to my own.  If demand is great, I will hire on a co-worker and apply for group family licensing, which allows up to 12 children with two adults.  For now I will start with the smaller one, as that is what I have been working on, and I will have a licensed alternate provider and a couple of approved substitutes who will be able to take over if I am running around to appointments with my kids.

Yesterday was a crazy day as Josiah had his Neuropsychological evaluation, which was an hour and a half away, and took 6 hours (9:30am-3:30pm).  He spent most of that time working with the psychologist solo, while I had my own forms and paperwork to fill out in the waiting room. He did very well and worked very cooperatively with her.  She really was a wonderful person, and made both Josiah and I feel very at ease and comfortable.  A genuine, kind human being--so she was very easy to like and Josiah took a liking to her right away.  That made things much much easier.  So I am hoping that the information that she was able to get yesterday combined with the information I had provider earlier, and the information from the school, as well as her observations from the day she came to observe him at school, will help be enough for her to determine what is going on with him and how best to help him with the behavioral and emotional issues that have been developing and worsening over the past year.  I am putting a great deal of hope into Dr. McCabe's lovely hands.

Coming up next week--Josiah sees his pulmonary doctor, Gonzo sees his allergist (on different day, both of whom are nearly 2 hours away--the joys of specialist), and at Josiah's school it is heritage week, so many various activities including a trip to the museum, which I need to figure out a Way to attend or else he can not go.  Actually, he really just needs a family member to go with him, so maybe I can ask my father or my nephew Jess--Can you believe it, my little Jessi is 18 years old!! and heading off to college in the Fall!!  WOW time flies--and I feel old, I was an adult (19) when Jessi was born and now he is an adult--just amazing to me some days.

I will post later about how the eating life style change is going--lets just say for now that changing habits is a challenging thing, and it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so it has to be conscious effort during those 21 days to embrace the new lifestyle habit, after that it gets easier.  Eventually it becomes second nature an you don't even have to think about it.  I need to get more sleep on a regular basis, I think that would go a LONG way to helping me maintain the focus and will to change habits a bit more successfully--I have not given up, just have had a couple of days where old habits have superseded fledgling new habits, but that is for another post later....

Has it really been a whole week!...

Wow!! Has it really been a whole week since I last posted!!

Life has been gloriously busy--The renovations are moving forward at about the pace they have been.  The framing is almost completed, the plumbing is coming together, and the electric will be tackled soon.  Then the three preliminary inspections can be approved, and we can finish her.  That is something I am looking forward to with great relief and appreciation.

I have also completed the Health and Safety Training course required for the day care licensing procedure.  I still have my basic routine, developmentally appropriate teaching, and discipline plans still to complete and send in.  I have some issues with brevity, and am trying to figure out how to respond to the inquiries in the application packet that both satisfies what I want to say AND fits in the small space they provide for the answers.  Aside from that and getting their medical forms to my doctor and the kids doctor to sign off, I just have the floor plan layout and evacuation route plan, which I hesitate to finish until after the framing inspection in case we need to alter anything.  So it is mostly just paperwork left.  I do need to update my First Aid and CPR certification, but that is a one day course.  So there is still a bunch to do, but the end of the tunnel is in sight.

The kids are doing well.  Gonzo is going to be Student of the Month in his class (the teacher emailed me yesterday), as he has been having an outstanding month, many Outstanding Day Orange ratings for the month.  Josiah has been doing great with school lately.  He still has some outbursts but, they seems to be less intense, less frequent, and the teachers have been able to help him turn the corner and come back into a better frame of mind.  He also has been doing more academic work, and they have been scribing more for him, which makes a difference.

Josiah also had another dentist appointment yesterday, and he did great!!  We have one final appointment to fix the last of the issues, and the hardest ones.  So next Thursday will be the last treatment in a long nearly 2 year saga of getting his dental work done.  Dr. Baim has been incredible with him.  I am very pleased with how comfortable she makes him feel.

I also have been doing some cleaning at the apartment, since my lease is technically up on February 15th.  I deep cleaned the bathroom the other day, replaced the toilet seat, which I have been meaning to do for a while now, and scrubbed behind and under everything, I even washed the walls and door.  So, one room down.  I also have been sorting and packing the boys clothes so that the only thing we have to move at the last minute are the sets of clothes they wear to school.  If I can get a bunch of packing and sorting done now, then the move in 3 weeks will go much better, especially if we have not gotten the certificate of occupancy by then and the boys have to live with A for a couple of weeks while we finish the house.

Speaking of A, we had a great visit this weekend with A's sister who came for an overnight visit.  It was great to see her, and the boys love her dearly.  A has been doing okay.  One client has left the area though, and so A's caseload dropped, and is a bit worried about making ends meet.  Hopefully a couple of people will be added soon, so that that A will not have to worry.  A has also been great about taking the kids, though not without some guilt-tripping, it has been a good thing to know the kids are safe and having fun while I am spending many evenings working on the new place for them. 

So that is a basic recap of what I have been rolling with over the past week.  I am looking forward to a highly productive week/weekend to get as much done as possible on the house.  If we can get the preliminary inspections next week, the walls and finishing should come together pretty quickly.  I hope to post more than once a week, so hopefully I'll have a short update for you all over the weekend.

quick update

Josiah did GREAT at the dentist.  He sat int eh chair with his head phones on listening to music (and to the dentist) while she explained each step of what she was doing (having done it all on this fingernail prior to starting on his teeth so he could see each step), and he was calm and still the whole time.  A quick three fillings, and he was still happy and comfortable.  In two weeks we go back and she will attempt both top and bottom on the left side.  From what I saw, he did amazingly!!! and so I think he will do well for next couple of appointments.  It is such a huge blessing to have finally connected with a dentist that treats him with respect and KNOWS how to help children feel comfortable with their dental work!!!!

So, huge amount of gratitude for being directed to this dentist!!  Thanks be to God.

As for the house renovations, I am trying to stay positive and optimistic.  My beloved father is showing early signs of Alzheimer's, and some days he repeats the same task (or same full conversation) multiple times.  Today was one of those days.  He measured and planned the windows and closets in the boys bedrooms at least five times....even though we had already discussed, measured, and drawn directly on the wall AND the floor where everything would be laid out and how the other day.  He did put up the framing for another bathroom wall, and we got together a list of what was needed to do the framing for the windows.  But in some ways we lost a lot of time with the repetition of things he had forgotten that we had already figured out.  Five years ago, the framing and plumbing would be done by now, and the electric inspection ready.  But alas, the sad truth of it is that my father appears to be walking the same path his father walked.  He still has all of his intellect, his carpentry and building skills, his philosophical insights, and all of the other things that make him such an amazing human being, but I have been watching his memory slipping more and more over the past year or so.  My brother has seen it as well, and says he will not move out of my fathers house as he and I agree that it is on the cusp of my father needing someone there to make sure he is okay.  Yes, he could probably still live alone a few more years, but knowing that someone is there with him at least every evening after work brings more peace of mind.  So the project will take longer than anticipated, but that is okay, as it is my father's work that he loves to do (well the building part, not so much the plumbing and electrical parts). And I am happy to be sharing this with him.

Another dentist appointment and quick renovation update

Josiah did very well at the dentist yesterday.  They really were great about introducing him to the dental instruments, letting him touch and hold them, and helped him get comfortable with the tools.  They also were very respectful and compassionate with him when he was SO GREAT at expressing his feelings, both when feeling fine and when feeling scared or nervous.  He was GREAT at being open with his feelings and asking questions.  I am so proud of him.

While we were there, they had a cancellation for TODAY.  so they asked us if we can come back today at noon.  Today will be the first day with the drill, but I am hopeful that he will do well.  I am so grateful to have been recommended to this dentist.  I am very hopeful that this will work out for all of his dental issues. I'll keep you all updated....

Now....a quick update about the house renovations...They are FINALLY underway in a real way.  We have pulled a lot of wire out of the walls that was already unhooked.  The walls for the bedrooms are up.  The water damaged sections of the ceiling are down with new pieces going up today while I am at the dentist.  The bathroom framing is supposed to go up today as well, according to my brother.  That would be wonderful.  Electrical is going to take time.  We have done some already with unhooking circuits, moving light fixtures, and moving some things around.  Being a former laundromat, there were a great many outlets.  So we have been following the maze of conduits.

I would say that in another week or so we will have a framing and plumbing inspection and be able to start sheet rocking one side of the new walls.  It may take a couple of weeks before we have the electrical done and ready for inspection.  After that, it is a matter of putting up the rest of the walls, painting, moulding, flooring, and then the final inspection, hopefully no later than the first week in February (as I already gave my notice on moving out of here by the 15th).  Moving will hopefully be the 1st or second weekend in February....yippee!!

Off to the dentist...again....

The dental consult went well last week for Josiah.  This new dentist feels that the issues with his teeth, being that they are all baby teeth, are not severe enough to warrant the risk of anesthesia (which is what we said 2 1/2 years ago to the previous dentist who made us jump through hoops for so long that Josiah teeth got worse and worse.  I wish we had found this dentist back them...). 

So....anyway.....she wants to do a series of in-the-chair dental appointments to fill in the holes in his teeth, only a couple of which have actual decay in them.  She feels that the vast majority of the work can be done without even needing Novocaine.  The worst two teeth are the i-teeth, which are the ones that I have stressed about for the past few years, when they came in with such obvious holes when he was a baby.  Those may need some numbing to work on.  The others are just surface and just need to be cleaned and filled in order to prevent decay (or further decay in a couple of them).  Of course he will actually have to cooperate and LET her work on his teeth, which with Josiah can be hit or miss.  If he refuses to cooperate, then we will have to look again at anesthesia, because the holes do need to be filled.  Please pray that he will be calm and cooperative through this series of dental appointments, so that his teeth can be fixed without the risk of anesthesia.

Thanks!

2 more pounds........and dentist saga continues

So.....I got on the scale this morning for the first time since before the holidays, and was afriad of what I might see.  Much to my joy and surprise, I actually lost another two pounds even with all the holiday eating and the candy that I am not supposed to have.  So yeah!!!  I am down another two pound--bit by bit it is coming off.

And I ask you for your prayers today, send your positive energy and your focused intention...Josiah is having a consult with another dentist.  I am extremely nervous about this, as this is the dentist that the other dentist (who gave us a run around for over 18 months before deciding they couldn't treat his teeth) referred us to as they do dental surgery at the hospital.  I am hoping that they will be a good dentist, a compassionate dentist, and one that will understand that his teeth continue to get worse the longer he is jerked around by dentists.  What should have been a simple small filling 18 months ago has gotten to the point of probably needing to be an extraction.

Please pray for calm and peace for me, and that I will have good insight inot whether or not this dentist is going to treat Josiah with the respect and medical care that he deserves.

A Dentist!?!!? Elves make Toys!!....

Okay, so this has nothing to do with Rudolf or the elf that wants to be a dentist, but it does have to do with a dentist, so I had to have a more seasonal title..

SO....

I believe I have posted before about the saga we have had trying to find someone to work on Josiah's teeth (I looked back through and can't figure out what post it was in).  So, I will just do a quick summary.

One of the challenging things about damage to the brain which happens in CP is that for many people the teeth do not form correctly.  When Josiah's teeth came in there were holes in the enamel in various teeth on both sides, and all of the teeth on the left side were visibly thinner and smaller than the ones on the right side of his mouth.  We consulted our doctor and he was not concerned, and we also consulted a dentist.  There was only one dentist in the area where we were that both accepted medicaid AND took kids under 5 years old. Our thought was that sealing them would help they avoid decay as the holes where decay can get a foothold were already there.  BUT medicaid does not cover tooth sealing, and as we were barely surviving  financially so could not pay the high prices for tooth sealing.  We were fastidious about brushing his teeth and making sure that those holes in his teeth were kept clean. 

But even the best of brushing can not keep things clean entirely, and in the summer of 2010 I noticed a small spot of brown in one of the holes.  As we had moved up here, we found the only pediatric dentist who took medicaid and young children here.  .  I called them first and explained his medical history, as some dentists (and heck, some doctors) can be hesitant to work with a child with his medical history.  They said they see kinds with all sorts of special needs.  So we made an appointment.  Gonzo got his cleaning and check up done first.  And then Josiah's turn came, and they decided at the last minute that to even clean his teeth they needed clearance from a cardiologist and a pulmonary doctor.  As he had been cleared by cardiology as a baby before I even adopted him, I did not have a cardiologist, nor did I have or know where to get, the paperwork showing that he had been released from cardiology.  So began a six month saga of getting a referral to and an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist (with chest x-rays and an EKG done beforehand. Due to a snowstorm in late November 2010, they canceled his appointment and rescheduled him for January.  So finally in January we saw the cardiologist and he was pronounced to have a healthy heart that needed no followup or any special treatment for dental work. 

So we submitted this to the dentist the very same day.  Then we were told his pulmonary clearance was too old for them to be able to do a cleaning.  So I called this pulmonary doctor to get a new clearance letter, and was told it had been too long since his last appointment and we would have to come in again.  So they scheduled us for 3 weeks later.  On the 2 1/2 hour drive to see the pulmonary doctor, my car broke down on the side of the highway.  We missed the appointment, but thanks to a very helpful police man were able to get the car running well enough to limp it off the highway and get it to a shop where it was fixed.  OF course I had to rely on family to help as I did not have the funds necessary, so my Mom and step father put some money on my green dot card (handy little thing that is).  Josiah and I had a long lunch at subway that day while waiting for the car to be ready to drive back home (the car died completely about 2 1/2 weeks later).  So we scheduled another appointment, the earliest they had was in March.  About a week before the appointment the office called to say that his pulmonary doctor who had been following him since he first PICU emergency was leaving the practice and would I like to reschedule with one of the other doctors, which would be an appointment for late April.  So I declined and decided to find a closer one.  Josiah's pediatrician referred us to a great pulmonary group at a closer children's hospital (only 1 hr and 45 minutes way).  The appointment was for mid-April.  So come mid-April, we got in to see the new pulmonary doc, and he was great.  We got the specific clearances that the dentist needed to both do regular cleanings and sedated dental work.  We took those to the dentist office, and they had to check with the doctor before scheduling a cleaning/checkup.

but this time that little spot of brown had grown and three other teeth with holes had started to show brown spots, and in the areas of thin enamel there was some discoloration starting.  So finally in early June he had a cleaning and x-rays, and a check up, nearly a year after this saga began.  14 of his teeth are affected, with that first one I mentioned being the worst one (that one cracked and broke in early July, but as it did not seem to be causing him discomfort the doctor said it would be fine until surgery.  So we were put on the waiting list for dental surgery.  I got a call from the person that handles it and she said she needed more medical records from his doctor as the surgery center was not sure they could handle his medical issues.  So that was all sent in.  I told her to tell me now if they are not able to do it, as we had waited long ewnough and if they couldn't do it, I was willign to drive out to the dental school attached to a children's hospital 5 hours away as I knew that they could be comfortable with his medical history and current issues.  They got back to me in a few days and said the surgery center and anesthesiologist had reviewed his history and were comfortable doign the surgery.  So we were all set and just had to wait for a space to open up.

 In August I get a call that he is scheduled for September 14th.  So we start preparing for that, hada heck of a tiem scheduling his pre-op, but got it all set up.  And then two days before the surgery he developed a fever and stuffy/runny nose and a cough.  So he could not go under anesthtesia.  So he was again put on the waiting list.  I got a call in mid-November that he could come in either december 8th or 22nd for the surgery as they had openings on both days.  So, as his concert was the 8th and he was so excited about the concert, we chose the 22nd as his surgery day.  We had his pre-op done, got everythign all arranged, and even notified the school.  He had his intake phone call with the nurse on Friday, and everythign was all set for this coming Thursday.  A and I both took the day off, and were ready to roll.  Josiah had been complainign of tooth pain since Saturday, so we have been rinsing with salt water a few times a day, and I was looking forward to him finally getting these teeth fixed.

Then on Monday morning I get a phone call that the anestesiologist changed their mind at the last minute and now is not comfortable working with josiah's medical issues.  So they can not do the surgery.  18 months of jumping through hoops, getting clearances, being told that they can do it, and THIS last minute decision NOT to do it.  At least they are calling in a prescription for amoxicillin to deal with the infection that appears to be developing in Josiah's tooth.  But that does not solve the problem.  Now we have to start over.  Now Josiah has to wait even longer with his teeth getting continually worse.  Even with good brushing and trying to make sure he rinses with water after eating sweets or crackers that stick to his teeth, his teeth are still slowly deteriorating.  For a kids with a great smile and such a normally happy disposition (except at school for soem reason...) it is horrible to make him wiat any longer.  So, I am a bit frustrated....well much, MUCH more than a bit.....

I just have to breathe and roll with it, and doctors, dentists and teachers are definitely not all cut from the soem cloth.  Some are in those positions becasue they want to help all people, and others only want ot work with the easy ones, and shove the rest of the children aside.  Good old Nazi ideals at work, elimiate all that do not fit the mold.  Lately, I feel like we are dealing with more than our fair share of inflexible and intolerant professionals when it comes to Josiah.....

Well, maybe with the anitbiotics and not the surgery, Josiah will have a better Christmas.  He always has a hard time for a few days after anestesia....So Merry Christmas....

Updated**The story from June--"Thinking" part five...

So back in June I had been writing the story of how my boys joined our family and a bunch of the events, emotions, and changes that came with adding first Gonzo and then Josiah to our family.  However, I left off with the initial arrival of Josiah, but have yet to go into the largest life changing period I have ever experienced.  Josiah's first few months with us were the most profoundly life changing, devastating, exhilarating, exhausting, joyous, sorrowful, and all around insane and yet vision clearing of all.  He was a bomb that exploded everything--including our relationship to each other as spouses, our values system, our finances, relationship with the rest of the outside world, our careers, our future plans, our sense of what it means to be a family, my understanding of what love is, my understanding of how much I can handle, my understanding of the sibling relationship between my children, my understanding of life dynamics,  my understanding of what it means to be a parent, and my beliefs in and understanding of God and my relationship to God.  To say that sounds like over kill would be incorrect--this bomb of an experience truly is only under-stated by words.  To read the beginning start with the post  from June "Thinking always a dangerous thing to do..."

So back to the story.. So we brought Josiah home from the hospital in late October 2006.  He had a multitude of issues, but the hospital felt he was stable.  The first thing we did was get his apnea monitor, and make sure we knew how to use it, which was not that hard.  It did go off fairly often, but the doctor reassured us that it was most likely due to movement or poor placement of the sensors, as the doctor though he was just fine and that we were over reacting.  One of the biggest challenges was feeding.  Josiah had terrible reflux and was on medication for it, but it was not the puke all over the place type of reflux, it was the up and down and up and down  kind, where little comes out but it just keeps kicking up (acid and formula together) into his esophagus and air way and the going back down only to come back up. So after taking a bottle he had to be upright for an hour after every feeding. He also had a very poor/weak suck, and tired extremely easily.  So he was on a high calorie infant formula for preemies and it took him about 45-1 hour to finish one once, which would tire him out, so he would need a break and then another feed in an hour.  So if you do the math, we were feeding him for approximately one hour and keeping him upright for 45 minute to an hour and feeding at least every hour and a half to 2 hours.  We got very little sleep....More so than even if with a regular newborn. But we made it work.   Luckily he was not a crier (I don't think he had the strength or energy to be a fussy baby). 

We had Josiah about 10 days, when he had his first major episode.  I had taken him to the eye doctor at the big hospital about 45 minutes from home.  He did not wear his apnea monitor when we were out and about as we had been told it was only necessary when he was sleeping in his bassinet or crib (which had been elevated to a 45 degree angle to the reflux).  I was holding him in the waiting room and he was more limp than usual.  His color did not look right, and to me he did not seem to be breathing correctly.  But I figured I was just being paranoid like our doctor had said, and since the eye doctor did not seem concerned as we went though the tests, I was only a little worried.  In the car driving back though, his color really was not good, and he seemed excessively limp and unresponsive, much more than usual.  So I went straight to the pediatricians office before going home.  He was more responsive there and his color had gotten back to normal, and the doctor told me that I was being too nervous.  he said I had had him dressed to warmly and that is why he was more limp, and if I noticed him acting that way again to cool him down.  I had mentioned to him that the night before his apnea monitor went off many times, and again he said it was set wrong and I should call the DME company to come and change the settings.

So I took Josiah home.  But he still was not acting like himself (yes I know he was a tiny baby who we had only had for about 10 days, but that is more than enough time to learn to read a helpless infant whom you are responsible for and love).  So I tried to rust the doctor--after all he is a doctor and I was not, so he MUST be right, right?!?  The apnea monitor kept going off, and Josiah looked wrong.  He was limp and his color was getting grayer by the minute.  I undressed him as the doctor had advised that I was causing it making him too hot.  But that made it worse, as he suddenly stopped breathing all together and his lips turned blue.  I did a few rescue breaths and called 911 and went back to rescue breaths.  The ambulance got there in a matter of minutes, by which time I had gotten him breathing but he was still in obvious distress.  So he was quickly wrapped in a blanket and he and I jumped int eh ambulance.  At the hospital his temperature was reading 93 degrees (so much for the doctor saying I was keeping him too warm) and he had multiple episodes of apnea (not breathing) and bradycardia (where the heart slows down too much).  The little hospital was not equipped to handle him so they call for an emergency transport to the PICU at the hospital 45 minutes away (where I had been earlier that day). 

While we were waiting for that transport, I got ahold of A and A had picked up Gonzo from preschool.  I filled them in on what was going on, and our friend Sean came to watch Gonz while A and I followed the ambulance to the PICU.  He had a few more episodes of stopping breathing during the ambulance ride, and was admitted right to the PICU.  He was in a heated oxygen tent in the PICU and they were running tests.  The doctor that was there was wonderful and very familiar with the unpredictability of preemies.    His prognosis was unclear, so we called family to let them know what was going on, and I called my dear friend Jacquie (who was also my former pastor) and she came up int he middle of the night (around 2am) and baptised him in the hospital.  By the time she got there A's sister and mother had arrived and my mother and stepfather had arrived.  So he was baptised with extended family, some of whom had not yet met him.  Within a couple of days (hellatious days they were), he had stabilized and was able to move to the step down unit.  We had been sleeping at the hospital (they had a sleeping lounge for PICU family members as well as a shower, toiletries, etc....) and once he stepped down to the less intensive PICU unit, we started taking turns with who stayed and who went home, as we needed to keep Gonzo's life as stress free and normal as possible.  So we switched off daily.  Thank God I was on leave from work.  For over 10 days we were int he hospital before the determined that he was ready to be released. He had an eval by the neurosurgeon who felt his hydrocephalus was stable and not causing the problem, an eval by his neurodevelopmental (as we were going to see her that week anyway so she just came to his hospital room when she was doing rounds), and a few other doctors who felt he had no ongoing issues. He came home with essentially the same meds and such as before with minor changes.  he was to wear his apnea monitor at all times now, AND we switched pediatricians, as the former one was obviously an idiot who had not listened to parents--the people who know a child best and are most vested in his survival. 

A little over a week later we were back in the ambulance, he had stopped breathing again.  This time they ran other tests, and for a week we were there.  We spent our first Thanksgiving as a family in the hospital and at Ronald McDonald house....

I will finish this story later, as I have to get to my father's house and feed my chickens before the kids I babysit come back...

A quick update ....

HI All,

As it has been so long since I made a full post, and I am still on an ailing computer, I wanted to try again to make a quick update of a variety of my life areas.

The kids:

School for Gonzalo is going very well this year.  His behavior has been much better than in previous years and he is learning well.  School for Josiah is still up and down, he has his good days and he has his bad days, some REALLY good and some REALLY bad!).  I believe his teacher is trying and I also believe that she truly is a teacher that ca not think outside the box, so this is a struggle for her as much as it is for him.  Luckily his assistant (surprisingly) CAN think outside the box, as does the spec ed teacher, principle, and CSE chair.  So while still a struggle, he is moving in a positive direction.  By November I think we will be on an even keel.

The other big thinks going on for Josiah have just been with his medical/physical special needs.  He did not get his dental surgery last month because he had a nasty cold and could not go under anesthesia.  And since they book months in advance who knows when he will get in again.  His hydrocephalus has been on our minds, as his CT scan last year raised some eyebrows with his neurosurgeon, but as he is not presenting any symptoms, it has just been a process of getting a second opinion from a doctor who is more familiar with pediatric hydrocephalus, and that took a while.  We saw him in June (or was it May or even April!)  and he wanted to do an MRI to see how the fluid was moving through the brain to see if it is coming in faster than it is going out, which would cause it to build up slowly over time.  As it was 60-90 minute MRI he had to be sedated.  Luckily he has not had a cold lately and we had the sedated MRI scan yesterday.  The doctor should get the results later this week and we will hopefully know something within the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully fluid is coming and going at the same rate and he will not need another brain surgery or a shunt.  The ventricolostomy will hopefully continue to work as it had done early on.

Other issues with Josiah lately--his hips are rotating in too much and his neurodevelopmental doc thinks that he should have hip surgery.  We are scheduling an appointment for him to see his orthopedic surgeon to see if he agrees or if her thinks it is not necessary.  There is the visit with the eye doctor which we missed because I wrote it down wrong on the calendar and did not check phone messages for a couple of days (which I do let go way too often, I really need to start checking phone messages daily).  So I missed the reminder call which said the 3rd and my calendar said the 6th.  So we have to reschedule that one.  Overall though even with some potential problems beginning to show, Josiah has been pretty healthy this school year, and seems to be weathering the change of schools well health wise.

The income/housing issues:

I am working on the LONG process of getting registered as a NYS childcare provider to do family home day care (up to six kids).  As I am doing this I continue to babysit the two year old and her brother after school.  I also have another family that has asked me to babysit occasionally for their 3 year old and 9 month old.  I told them that I had to work it so that I only had a maximum of two kids at any one time until I am licensed (state law--as an unregistered provider I can only watch two kids at a time on a regular basis in addition to my own).  So it is a bit of schedule juggling but should be a good start. 

However I have noticed that my neighbors, who are retired and older, are not so happy with all the kids running around, as we share the porch and yard in our duplex.  So I have been looking into other housing for a while now.  It is slim pickings up here.  But I have been talking to a woman whose son is in Josiah's class and who I grew up with (she was a couple years ahead of me in school so we did not know each other well).  She has been trying to sell a large building that used to be her family's laundromat.  It has been on the market for quite a while and has not sold.  She is willing to do a rent to own and allow me to convert it to a residential home with the intent to do daycare.  So that is in the works.  I need to make sure that my investment and hard work of converting it from commercial into residential (which will not be a problem, I have already talked to the zoning/building code man from the town-I'll just need building permits and such to renovate it), the contract needs to protect my investment and be written in a way that does not screw either of us in this endeavour.  Thank God (literally) that A's niece is a lawyer and her husband a contract lawyer.  Even though A and I are separated, the family still is open to helping.  So, if the contract goes through well, I will begin renovating the inside and maybe even have it done by Christmas (as long as I have enough tie to work on it on a regular basis).

Health wise:

For me, weight loss is still a struggle.  I do well for a few days with being careful about what I eat, watching my blood sugar (ice cream is VERY bad for blood sugar, so is boxes cereal).  But then life gets stressful or busy or something else is going on and I turn my attention to that and fall back to my bad eating habits for a few days.  Then I push forward again on developing new habits, and well it is  a cycle.  I think overall, that cycle is moving towards better and better eating patterns when I look at the overall picture, but I really need a solid month of really focusing on changing my eating habits themselves, so that I fall back on good habit and not on the ones that are so ingrained that there is a rut there.  Two steps forward, one step back is still forward motion as a whole.

Other stuff:

My car is ailing and need work (tires, brakes, steering, etc...) AND i have the money right now to get it all done--so YIPPEE!!  I take the car to the shop tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to get the parts in and have the time to fix her within the next week.  I am guessing it will cost nearly a grand, but as I bought the car for $400 last February and she was worth so much more, it is worth putting that much money into her.

My chick are growing big.  They were hatched on September twenty seventh (my two button does not work) and have been growing well since they arrived by ail at a day or two old.  They are nearly two weeks old and have gotten their wing feathers.  they are still in a big b ox here at the apartment, but will soon be moving over to my father's property.  I have to build a new chicken coop as his is not is great repair.  So i think that will be a project fro the4 coming weekend as they are getting to be a bit too big for the box.  In a couple of months the extra roosters will become dinner (not something I look forward to, it is hard for me to eat animals I love, but I can not keep them, they will fight each other to death as they get older and territorial, only one or two will be kept with the hens.  Then in 4-6 months I should have a bunch of fresh eggs daily.  It will be wonderful.  I have wanted to have chickens for so long.  As a kid, my chore was caring for our chickens, and they were my friends.  I loved having chickens and caring for them.  I have always wanted to have a flock of chickens, and now I have them.  Maybe when I move into the new house I can bring the chicken coop over there, which would be great.

Well, I should end now.  I will write more soon, and when I get my computer back should be able to do short posts daily again rather than these intermittent postings.

Hope you are all well and enjoying autumn--my favorite and most productive time of the year.

School (old fear dies hard), work and possibly moving to another rental?!?

So I have not really written in a few days.  There are a couple of reasons for that:  First of all my (MY) computer (the wonderful laptop I got for Christmas from K (my best friend for the past 19 years)) is back at HP for some repairs, still under warranty luckily.  So I have been using A's computer, as A is not using it, as there is neither Internet, nor a phone, at my father's house and A is still living there (though I went with A yesterday to see A put down a deposit plus rent on an apartment which will be ready in mid-October or November at the latest--yippee, more stability for my kids as we can get them on a consistent schedule with specific times and space where they can spend with A, and more chance to relax my tension for me).  So that laptop was here as A is here much of the time.  But A's computer is ailing, over the past year and a half there are vertical lines that have slowly been moving up the screen.  You can still see everything fine, but the color is subdued.  So for writing and such it is fine (thought watching netflix on it is not so good).  However, lately the cord has been iffy--it only connects some of the time, and about 5 days ago, stopped working all together.  So I have been using my ancient desktop, which is slower than death, has about 17 quarantined viruses on it, and that I use mainly for the kids educational and fun computer games.  It is a lesson in patience, and practice in grace to use the Internet with this computer.  As it can take 5 minutes or longer to open a web page, or to switch from one email to the next.  So I have not had the time to write much lately.  So my freelance writing this month is likely to be a big fat $0, as I can't do the work fast enough to ensure that I will get the research done and the articles written within the deadlines, so I have not been able to accept any assignments, which is annoying. 

I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far).  He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out.  He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to.  I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace.  It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him.  The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him.   His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to.  I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right.  Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before.  HE is doing great with it though.  I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today.  I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:

"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1^st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.”  "

This email really made my day, as he has been having a rough time of it in the classroom.  They have a red, yellow, green light motif for helping kids (and their parents) gauge their behaviour.  His first two days, he had a red light, the 3rd day it was yellow, and last Friday it was green--yippee!!  This week, Monday was a red light (he even hit and swore at the Sp Ed teacher, who is one of the kindest people I have ever met).  Then Tuesday was a green light, nearly PERFECT day.  Then today was a red light.  Today he was not feeling well.  He woke up with a cough and a stuffy nose, and while he seemed tired, he seemed otherwise okay, so I sent him to school.  But his assistant said that he was really irritable all day and wanted to be held (which usually means he is not feeling well).  He seemed to get worse as the evening wore on, so he is coming down with something, and I noticed he is having difficulty swallowing, so I think his throat is sore.  Even now I can hear him coughing.  I have checked on him a few times since putting him to bed and he is sleeping restlessly. So he is definitely coming down with something.  I will be keeping him home tomorrow so that he can rest, which means no aquatic PT either as that is now on Thursday evening.  He is supposed to have dental surgery next week (this nemesis of a surgery I have been working towards sine July 2010), but if he has a cold or even the hint of a cold, the pulmonary doctor said not to chance the anesthesia (which I totally agree with given his lung issues).  So unless he makes a spectacular overnight recovery, I believe we will be canceling next week's surgery, which means another 4-6 month wait, as that is how far out they schedule dental surgery for that office.  In some ways that may not be too bad, as he has to go under general anesthesia (GA) in October for a 3 hour MRI of his brain, as the neurosurgeon wants to evaluate how the fluid is moving through his brain as there is the possibility that his hydrocephalus may not be as stable as we thought.  So that will give more time between going under GA, which might be safer for him. 

I have something to admit, something I am a bit ashamed of--I have to fight myself hard everyday over old preconceived notions about his teacher and assistant, based on experiences from nearly 20 years ago.  I pride myself on having an open mind, being patient and kind, and on giving people the benefit of the doubt, and on the desire to forgive people for the mistakes they have made that have hurt me (either directly or through hurting the people I love).  I have found that I have a box of old memories, crap that happened 16-20 years ago in regards to these two individuals that are now such an intregal part of my sons life (the old issues are not related so two separate issues with two separate people).  I have found that I have to keep checking myself to not let my hurt and fear from those long past experiences cloud my vision and my interactions with them today, in the here and now.  I am ashamed to admit that I have held on to old crap, and am seeking a way to forgive pain that is two decades old so that I can see clearly now and be able to give them the benefit of the doubt as they work daily and intensely with one of the most important people in my life, my beloved Josiah.  So please take my fears about Kindergarten for my son with a grain of salt and know that I am struggling with separating old from new.  And say a prayer for me that this will be a growing experience for me and my spirit as I learn to let go and forgive old grievances....

 Overall though, the kindergarten teacher and his assistant (as well as the other people he works with) have been trying very hard.  They are definitely not used to a child with his special needs --both physical and behavioral.  And many of his behaviors stem from three sources--1) according to the tests done last spring, he is functioning (emotional, social, behavioral) on average at a 24 month level but with some ares much higher (good old standardized tests--make NO sense for a child with brain damage, they only give truly useful information about neurotypical children)--which I had missed when talking with the social worker who did the assessment, as they told me he is doing fine and should do well in Kindergarten with a 1:1 (I just reviewed his IEP again last week); 2) his physical impairment has left him unable to do some of the things the other kids are able to do (write independently, color in the lines, drawn simple shapes, etc...) so he is Very frustrated and I think embarrassed (given the way he hides his face when he is asked about it) that he can't do it, which leads to acting out, trying to be the class clown, or being outright defiant and contrary (I used to call Gonzo my contrary canary, but that can go to Josiah now); and 3) He has Gonzo as his primary kid role model, and he imitates Gonzo's behavior to a "t", something I have tried to talk with him about, and to ask him to watch the other kids and try to do what they do, as it is a great group of kids he is with in Kindergarten, and I think he can find good peer role models there, whereas his brother is NOT a person he should be imitating or learning habits from.  

Added to his issues is the fact that the kindergarten teacher is not known for her empathy towards kids with behavioral issues (told to me from other soucres more current than my own memories), and I really try hard to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has grown and matured as an educator from the time that I knew her when she was just starting out and my youngest siblings had her for a teacher (I am 9 and 12 years older than my two youngest siblings, so I was nearly an adult when she was my brother's Kindergarten teacher).   I also have a bit of a knee jerk reaction from the experiences we had with Gonzo in Kindergarten (totally different school district over 3 hours from here), which resulted in my pulling him out and homeschooling the second part of Kindergarten (back in our old town). I do not want to homeschool either of the kids, as I really believe that peer and social interaction is vital to their development, and learning to trust and rely on other adults is beneficial to their ability to reach outside themselves and their family for new experiences and growth.  However in Gonzo's case he was actually being both emotionally and physically mistreated (we heard from multiple witnesses, none of whom were wiling to speak out publically on that tyrant of a teacher or cross her as those who had suffered greatly I am told).  So to protect Gonzo we home schooled him for that second half of Kindergarten, and he did great.  This is a different teacher, but I remember clearly some of the things that occurred with my brother and my sister, who at the time were small, young, scared children dealing with the breakup of their parents (something that Josiah and Gonzo are still going through as A and I are still getting settled into our new roles--it takes a few years for life to be stable again after a break up of a family), and the instability that brings.  And she had no understanding or compassion for what the kids may be going through emotionally or any understanding that some acting out is because the kids already have stress they are dealing with and when they are trying to conform, but not doing it fast enough or well enough for a particular teacher, the stress becomes more than such a young child can bear.  SO while I am sure this teacher has grown and matured in many ways as an educator, I am beginning to wonder if she has learned to have compassion for kids who have struggles that are bigger than trying to figure out how to spell.  Josiah has SO much on his plate before he even walks through the door--his physical limitations, his newness to this strict of an environment, his struggles with a very challenging brother at home, his struggles with the shifts his family has had over the past year and a half with the separation of his parents, AND facing a Kindergarten curriculum which for some reason appears to be difficult to adapt to his physical limitations.   I know they are trying--trying to meet him where he is, trying to help him find his place in this new world of Kindergarten, trying to figure out how to bring him into the fold and help him find more positive ways to express himself--I DO know they are trying.  It is glaringly obvious thought that they are very unaccustomed to working with children who have special needs, as they do not have the patience that is learned from working with children who take longer to do everything.  They want him to adjust as quickly as a typical child adjusts, and that is just not possible, life is slower for him, his brain is damaged, it needs to create new pathways as the inate pathways were destroyed during and soon after birth for so many things, not just his motor development.  Laying new neurological pathwyas takes time, compassion, and repetition. 

Hopefully THEY will allow HIM to teach them a few of the life lessons that he has taught so many people.  Hopefully they will have hearts and minds that are open enough to receive the gifts that he can bring to them as they work with him.  Hopefully they will find the patience (also called long-suffering, which I understand now) that can be shared and beneficial to all of their future students.  Hopefully they will see the diamond in the rough, and be able to nurture and teach him and his classmates.  I would love to say that week two has been great, and while I definitely feel better about it than week 1, there is a learning curve--both for him and for them--that is undetermined at this time.  I will keep praying, keep communicating, and keep working with him (and them) to help there be more consistency between home and school, so that he can learn faster.  He is a resilient little boy, and I want him to grow and shine.  I do not want to see his spirit broken like my sister's and my brother's were at such a young age.  His spirit can shine, and I have to both protect him AND give these teachers the benefit of the doubt, that 20 years CAN make a difference, and that they now know how to build children up into the students they want to see, rather than tear them down so they submit to what they are told.  Good old Harry Chapin's song, which has the following two lines (in different parts of the song) ..."Flowers are Red, green leaves are green, there's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen....{story here}....There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the rising sun, so many colors in the flowers, and I see every one....".  I just keep praying that these teachers see the rainbow and teach the children to see the rainbow, rather than insisting on red flowers in neat rows....

Well, enough about fears, both new and based on really old crap that I did not even realize was hanging out in my subconscious memory...on to a more pleasant note.  I have found a steady source of income that allows me to be there when I need to for my kids and has some flexibility built in.  I am doing child care again.  As per NYS law, I can only have 2 kids (other than my own) in my home with the legally exempt approval I have.  To take more children I will have to go through the process of becoming a registered daycare provider.  This is something I have thought of doing for a long time now, especially since I WAS a daycare worker and nursery school teacher in CT for 5 years in the 1990's.  So I DO know what it i is like to care for multiple small children, and I actually do love it (thought it is exhausting).  So I called the Childcare network today and am getting the ball rolling (takes 2-6 months to get licenced).  My apartment is really rather small, and with my two and the two I am watching now, it is rather crowded.  I did talk to my landlord today about it, and he has some concerns but is quite willing to work with me on it.  He and I are both concerned about the neighbors who rents the other half of the duplex, an elderly couple who may not like having multiple kids around.  Which would be a problem.  I did tell the landlord that I am also considering finding a larger place, a single family home, which would allow me to set up and provide a better space for a daycare.  He does not have anything available and thanked me for letting him know that I may be moving.  Overall, he was very supportive either way, which is good.  With the two I have now, I have the 2 year old 27 hours a week and the 6 year old after school for a total of 10 hours a week.  I make about $100 (I know, it is really low, but around here, people really can NOT afford more).  So I figure that if I have 4 children over 25 hours a week, I can bring in about $300 a week, which will be enough to live on.  If I have time I can continue with the freelance writing (or just go back to free writing), and do little jobs on the side to have additional income.  That would be my best bet.  I have called on a 4 bedroom house that is for rent, and am waiting to hear back from the owner as to whether they would allow me to run a family home daycare in their rental (I would pay the liability and daycare insurance of course).  If they are willing and accept me as a tenant, then I will be able to get the business up and running faster, which would be good. 

So if anyone wants to send up some prayers, please do so, for Josiah's kindergarten to work out well all around, for Gonzo to continue to do well in his schoool setting, for me to be able to let go, for provision for my family (I would be grateful if you can donate even a quarter or a dollar to my family's basic needs if you wish by clicking on the box at the top of the right hand column), prayers for finding the right space for us to live and run this daycare center, and prayers that everything falls into place as it should.

The fair, school shopping, and tax returns

Wow!  It has been over a week since I last posted.  I think this is the longest I have gone since starting this blog.  Okay so, the fair was GREAT!!  I had the most fun at the fair that I have had in years.  The kids were interested in so many things, which was great, and my sister and her two kids were with us for most of the rides so that G could go on some rides that J was too small for, and my sister's daughter and J could go on some smaller rides.  The kids also really enjoyed the shows (jugglers, magic, and puppet) for the first time, really paying attention to them.  And as always the animals were great.  This year J even reached out to pet some of the goats and sheep (previously he was too scared of them to touch them), and they asked all sorts of good questions, especially Jos.  It is amazing how much the difference between age 4 and age 5 is in that regard, he really has developed such a wonderful and genuine curiosity about the world and what he encounters, and is not shy at all about asking questions.  I actually budgeted correctly for the fair, brought a jug of coolade for the kids and prefilled water bottles for me, so that we did not spend stupid money on beverages which are horrible overpriced.  We had fun eating some traditional fair food, and had a set budget for games (and I carefully led them to games that they win a nice prize every time for about half of the ones they played).  And they are getting big enough to ride some of the rides I used to love as a kid, which was great to watch them enjoy them.  So, the fair was GREAT even with a drenching downpour we got caught in that required a full change of clothes and the purchase of some disposable rain ponchos (so that we did not have to do another clothes change as it was rainy much of the day).

Then this week we have been getting ready for school which starts next week.  We finished off the Dr. appointments with a trip for J to the Pulmonary doc and then the next day a trip to the dentist.  Both kids have freshly cleaned and polished teeth to start school.  AND Jos FINALLY has a date for his dental surgery (a project we have been working on...long story...since last July).  So September 22nd he will go in for dental restoration surgery and finally get his teeth fixed!!  I am glad it is finally getting done, I am NOT however, looking forward to anesthesia.  But, he will be okay, just his lung issue make me very nervous with the anesthesia.  But anyway aside from a couple of harder to find items (like new socks for under Jo's AFO braces), we are all set for the start of school on Tuesday.  Gonz will be in the same self contained classroom out of district this year as he was last year, he is technically in third grade, and does grade level or above work for most subjects, but need the extreme structure to contain him so that he can focus and be successful.  He is in a classroom that covers grade 2-5.  And he will have most of the same teachers and assistants as last year (most of the same kids too).  His only change will be a different one to one.  So I am looking forward to a better school year fro him this year as they already know him--his strengths and weaknesses, his cues for when he is nearing a loss of self control, and they know what works to help him maintain composure and also how to handle things in a positive and firm way when he dos push over the limits.    His big change will be that he will be riding a bus or van down instead of having me drive him.  But he will be the only one who goes at that time, so the peer-peer problems on the bus will not be an issue.  Jos is starting main stream Kindergarten, which will be good for him but will be quite a change.

On one more note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, after months of waiting and dealing with an IRS audit, I have finally gotten my income tax return and just in the nick of time.  Now I can pay rent a head a couple of months, get my heat paid ahead, and be ready for winter.  So if my freelance writing income is not quite up to par yet, I have a bit of a time cushion to continue finding some more sources of income to make ends meet.

Thank you God for providing exactly when I need it.

Blood draws, X-rays, and brethalyzers...oh my!

So today was Gonzo's appointment with the endocrinologist.  I had forewarned him that he may have to have blood taken for testing.  his response was "all of it?!?!  How will I stand up!?!" to which I assured him that they only take a little bit and that his body will be able to make more.  So he was a little freaked out going into the appointment.  The endocrinologist was very personable, and if we end up needing to continue with her, I think it will be a good match.  Having doctors that you feel comfortable is imperative to proper health care.  I am hoping all of the tests come out fine and we don't have any more treatment needed, but at least it is good to know that you like the specialist.  So after the appointment, the doctor felt that testing was warranted, so Gonz DID have to have his blood drawn and she wanted an bone age density test done, which is an x-ray.  So as usually, anything having to do with needles is difficult for Gonz, so it was myself plus two nurses who needed to hang on to him and get the blood draw.  Poor little guy was just in such a panic.  But he is a trooper and came out okay.  He was still asking if his body will make more blood, and I reassured him that it was already making more to replace the little bit they took to test. 

After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand.  He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it.  I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state.  It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins).  We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep. 

So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot.  After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos.  We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?

Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit.  I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it.  Then A came over after getting back from work.  And A had a ticket for no seat belt.  A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers).  A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it.  A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out.  So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it).  A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed.  And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt.  But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor?  Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking).  Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.

But I am going out of my skull with A.  Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way.  And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot.  About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house.  (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well).  And the tirade continued and continued.  Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING.  I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said.  Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use.  Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around.  Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop.  A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive".  Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be.  To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A"  and how horrible we are for it.  I am sick of it.

The way it started tonight was this:  A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage.  And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together.  A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice.  So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to  think okay means A?!?  She is doing okay for the circumstances!"  To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down.  You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight.  I am not going to respond."  and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap.  (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.)  Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting.  But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse.  I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused.  So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes.  I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids.  IT upsets them as  much as it upsets us.  We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.

Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started.  I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect.  I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings.  We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes.  Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright.  I need A out of my house.  I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here).   I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon.  I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation.  Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive.  I am not beating around the bush.  And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person.  But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person.  I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again.  I wish A had never moved back up here in January.  Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe.  I want to be able to breathe again..

The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines.  I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away.  Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring.  But would I still be me if I did that?  Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with.  I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving?  What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent?  What kind of example would that be setting for them?  And what kind of example am I setting for them now?  In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery.  But it is never that easy is it....

Forming habits....breaking habits

Well, so....

My son says that all the time "well, so...."  and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from.  Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it.  I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it.  I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else.  It is just something that I say unconsciously.  Funny the way the mind works....

Anyway, SO....Habits!

Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives.  Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit.  That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day.  Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns.  From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.

According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "

According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."


Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.

So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc...  And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions.  If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last.  For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months.  Well that is a great accomplishment.  But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking.  It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful.  You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later.  I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.

I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits.  They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action.  I believe that it is possible that both of these are true.  There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you.  I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you.  It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it.  It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that.  The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.

So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie.  Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit.  So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning.  This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.

The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts.  What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes. 

So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today."  Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!"  and it is a sense of wondering and joy.  More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?" 

Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in.  Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action.  For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real. 

I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now.  And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true.  There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later.  Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime.  And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job).  So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation.  Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival.  Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do.  So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light.  He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.

It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with.  It was not even leaving my job that created it.  It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
 having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives.  BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits.  If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different.  If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered.  If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have  occurred.  If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different.  IF......if.......if.......

But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you  handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)

My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been.  Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat.  It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us.  our habits create our habitat.  To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....

It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to.  Transformation appears to be a slow process....

life in Transition for sure

Okay, so I have not written much in the past week.  It has been an interesting one.  I had a dr's appointment on Friday to go over blood work that I had done over a week before that.  And the results nearly knocked me on the floor.

My A1c results (the test that gives an average of your blood sugar levels over the past three months by measuring the percentage of glycalation of your hemoglobin (how much glucose is attached to the hemoglobin)) were extremely high.  11.2% to be exact.  Normal is around 5-6%, typical for someone with diabetes is around 7%, high is 8-9%.  That correlates to a blood sugar reading of around 310 on average over the last 3 months, and my fasting sugar that day was 279 (normal is fasting is below 100, normal random throughout the day is below 140, diabetics should aim for below 180).  overly high blood sugar is over 240, and levels over 300 are considered very dangerous.  So I have been walking around with my blood sugar levels in the extremely high and dangerous range for a while, and I did not even know it.  The last time I had an A1c and other blood work, my A1c was 7.1% and everything else was fine other than slightly elevated triglycerides.  that was in February 2010.

Since that time my marriage had fallen apart, I walked away from a great opportunity in Rhode Island due to the afore mentioned collapse of the family, I have moved into an apartment and taken a job that I drive over 100 every day 5 days a week (for over a year, though only 3 weeks left until it is over with), I have gone through the custody process in the courts and have physical custody of my kids (with shared legal custody), I have allowed A (even though we are separated) back into our lives on a daily basis, and have been rebuilding a friendship (though not without a lot of difficulty and baggage), and I have been trying to make plans for the future with a lot of uncertainty.  So some parts of my life are less stressful (my marriage was extremely stressful and the ending of that brought different stresses, but overall less stress) and some parts are more stressful (the fact that my primary source of income ends in a couple of weeks and the fact that I do not know where my relationship with A is going at this point in time--in the past week it has been a lot of ups and downs and trying to figure out if we can or even should try to put the family together again).  I have been trying to get enough money incoming through freelance writing and through ads for things that I recommend on both my blog and my website, but I am not a sales person and don't want to be, so I post links to things I like and hope that others will click those links and bring in a few pennies for me.  Literally, I have made $0.02 total through the ads that I share for things that I think my readers would like.  So, as I have no desire to try to push people to look at things that they are not inclined to look at on their own, I don't think I will supplement my income much by my website or blog.  Which is fine, I will still post links to cool things and books that I like and think others are interested in, but I know that I can not depend on it for any supplementing of my income. I have applied for a number of jobs, but they have not panned out so far.  And taking a low paying job is not a viable option as I would have to pay out more in childcare costs than I could bring in, even if I broke even it would not change the situation.  Having two children with moderate to severe special needs, means that I can not hire the high school kid down the street or even most adults to watch them.  As it is, even family struggles to watch both of them together for short periods of time.  Heck, even A struggles to have both of them alone for more than a couple of hours at a time.  Because their needs are so different and both are intensive (I forget sometimes because I am just used to them), and because the sibling rivalry between them adds whole other layer of intensity, the best solutions would be to hire two different sitters, one trained to meet each other this needs, and possibly have one cared for at home and the other cared for at the sitters home.  As J is an insurance liability (which I learned the last time I tried to work full time and put him in a day care center) finding care for him is very hard, and G has massive behavioural issues with peers which make it difficult for him to be in a group setting (hence the fact that he is in an 8:1:2 self-contained classroom and still needs a 1:1 aide just to go to school (8 kids, one teacher, two aides 8:1:2) and free time (unstructured without clear instructions for what he should do--like recess and lunch) are his hardest times of all.  It makes me miss Becky, our favorite babysitter from when we lived in our house.  She was a Masters student a the college, studying special ed--focusing a lot on autism and she herself had cerebral palsy--so she understood and knew how to handle both boys very well.  But alas she graduated and is a great teacher in an autism classroom now about 2 1/2 hours away (from here and from our old house), and we left our old house to renters (who paid one month rent and then lived rent free for over 6 months before I was able to evict them, and they trashed the house in the process, knowing that if they did not pays rent we could not pay the mortgage, and by trashing it, made it impossible to rent to someone else was we did not have the funds to repair the extent of damage they did--so it is in foreclosure proceedings sadly). 

Anyway, back to my lab results.  Stress is one of the primary causes leading to high blood sugar.  Being overweight puts a great deal of stress on the body, and them adding emotional and financial stress, pushed the body beyond what it can handle.  So as the past few years have been fraught with high, high levels of stress, and the past year in particular has been stressful.  Coupled with being overweight since my teens and not watching what I eat or exercising enough when things get stressful (being a stress eater--the more stressed I am the more I eat...) well, it has not boded well for my health.  So I as mentioned before, I watched that movie "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" recently and felt inspired to get more fresh vegetable food into my diet, and have started drinking green smoothies.  As a diabetic I can not do the juicing.  Maybe once my blood sugar levels are normal, then I plan on doing a juice fast as portrayed, but until them, I can still do the smoothies and add lots of nutritious vegetables to my body in a drinkable way.  But when I saw it originally, I could identify with the FAT part of the title, but the sick and nearly dead parts of the title I just wasn't feeling.  However when I got my blood test results:
A1c 11.2%
Cholesterol 218 (a little high, but as I have NEVER had cholesterol issues it is shocking to me)
LDL-144 (too high)
HDL-40 (too low)
Triglycerides 184 (too high)
and 2 of my liver enzymes were just slightly past the top of the high range.
My blood pressure, heart rate, and all my kidney and other tests were fine.

When I saw the results, I suddenly identified with the WHOLE title of that Movie.  Thought, Oh my gosh, now I know what it feels like to feel "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (well okay that one is an exaggeration, but I could actually see the path leading to that, which is as far as I want to go).

So, I was more than willing to go on pharmaceuticals in addition to making some immediate changes in my lifestyle and eating.  So on Saturday I started on Metformin 500mg 2x daily, and enapril once a day (to protect the kidneys as with that much sugar running through them can cause a lot of damage).  I began tracking my foods in Spark People again.  And am taking my blood sugar readings twice a day.  The big thing is getting it below 300 and keeping it below 300 (that is step one, getting it below 240 is step two, and then getting it below 200 is step three, after that pushing it down to normal ranges is the ultimate goal, but transitions--quick transitions as this is what I consider an emergency situation). I was told not to check my fasting sugar as we already know it is really high.  What I need to do it to check my sugar 1-2 hours after a meal and keep track of what pushes my sugar up and what brings it down, as each person is different, and your body reacts differently at different time of day, so over the next three months, I need to closely record my food intake, glucose levels, and activities to determine what food I can have when and what ones I need to avoid and when. I have my basic dietary guidelines from the diabetes educator, and my doctor told me to try eating a healthy cereal with milk in the morning rather than my typical sausage eggs and cheese sandwich.  I forgot to check my levels Saturday. 

Sunday I had a bowl of Special K cereal with milk.  Two hours later I checked my sugar and it was 380!!!!.  For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on WW bread.  For a snack I had a green smoothie. For dinner we had a hamburger cooked on the grill (with a WW bun), some vegetarian baked beans, a couple of chips (I know I should not have), and a hot dog (no bun).  I went for a nearly two hour hike around my Dad's property, with my Dad, A, Gonz, and Jos (mainly carried Jos either on my shoulders or just a front carry (he can't do a side carry on the hip as his hips do not open far enough).  We were looking for a place for me to build a lean-to, which the building guy at the town clerks office said I did not need a permit for and told me the zoning distances I needed to stay within.  I want a nice camping place for me and the kids that we can tailor to Josiah's physical needs and to Gonzo's need for clear boundaries.  As much as we loved going down to Garnet Lake and tent camping, there were some things (like massive hills and very uneven rocky paths to get to the camp site, not to mention a road between the campsite and the lake) that made it difficult for us.  So we got quite a bit of exercise that day.

I did not get around to checking my blood sugar again until late evening and it was still at 345.  So I had two hard boiled eggs as a snack (high protein no carbs) and started to look for ways to quickly lower blood sugar, and did some of the water drinking and breathing exercises (breathing helps relax your body which reduces stress and thus allows blood sugar to function more normally).  Before I went to bed 45 minutes later, my sugar was down to 295--yeah breathing and water.  So Monday, having learned that too many carbs for breakfast was a BAD thing for my body, I ate sausage, egg , and cheese but only used the thin half of an english muffin, and had coffee with just cream, no sugar or sweetener, and just water.  Then I went for my 45 minute walk around the pond.  When I got to the library, I checked my blood sugar (1.5 hours after finishing breakfast) and it was 193!!!  A HUGE drop.  Protein works for me in the morning.  I had sliced turkey for lunch (no bread) and a grapefruit. For snack after school I had bought a coconut as Josiah has been wanting a coconut for some reason, so we had a coconut for snack.  IT was from a discount food place, and old, and not as tasty as I remember fresh coconut being.  So not a good intro for him to fresh coconut that we had to break the shell to get.  But that was my snack.  Dinner was a stir fry with broccoli, cabbage, yellow squash, carrots, celery, onion, garlic, and black beans with spices and vinegar.  Then I did a boo-boo, I ate a piece of Digorno's pizza that A had picked up for the kids.  I really should not have as it pushed my carbs over what they were supposed to be for the day.  When I took my sugar after dinner though it was 262, so not great but under the 300 mark that I am aiming for this week.

Last night was an interesting night with A, which I will not go into on here, but it definitely added a lot for me to think about, that of course adds stress.  A part of me would love for our family to be together again, and I really would love to try and have a biological baby and go through pregnancy and care for a baby right from conception.  I love my kids, and always planned on having three kids total.  So it was always part of the plan, it was just that adoption ended up being the first path we took, as there are so many kids waiting for families.  But I still want to have one child from my own body.  Which with the fact that I am almost 37, am still very overweight (thus greatly increasing chance of miscarriage), and now with my sugar issues--makes that possibility even lower.  Add in the broken family and the idea that A and I might NOT be able to reform a family, well, it is a hard thing to let go of.  I know that our relationship has not been healthy, and that A is not that much different now than 3 years ago, which is when A had picked up the bottle again, and has not put it down.  I actually had a couple of drinks with A for the first time over the past week--Mike' Hard Lemonade.  That was nice, but weird.  As I don't drink often, but every once in a while will have a glass of while or a margarita, or a Mike's Lemonade (seems popular in my family these days), I have never had a drink with A.  A was in recovery when we met, and one of the things we did was no alcohol in the house.  I had no problem with that as a six pack of my favorite beer (I am very picky, as gross beer is just, well, gross) would take me a year to drink.  I know that from a time before A when my best friend had brought me a six pack of my favorite beer (which I had trouble finding when I moved from that area) and it was nearly a year later when I had the last one with my brother in law.  So, yeah, having a drink with A was weird, as for so long A tried to hide (unsuccessfully) the relapse in 2008, and then after my mother in law died, just crawled back into the bottle in 2009, and then after detox, and when I thought we were moving forward went back into the lying and hiding mode of drinking in 2010, which was when I decided I couldn't live that way any longer (lots more went on of course, but that is a bit of a nutshell pertinent to todays post, see a much earlier post for more explanation (from mid-March)). Lately A has been more moderate in drinking, a few beers a day or so.  And behaving mostly.  So when offered a Mike's I said Okay.  but that actually, after typing it all out, really is a side bar that does not have much to do with what I was talking about, so I suppose I did not need to include it.  I'll leave it anyway.

Point is, no matter how stressful life is, I need to make changes NOW to ensure a better future.  More than ever before, I know I need to make some major changes, one of which has got to be in my eating/exercise habits.  The other biggie has got to be in my levels of stress.  Perhaps, after really realizing last night that while I love A, A is the other parent of my children, I am not IN LOVE with A, at all.  I have said it for a while, but a part of me always just thought that I was still in love, that that spark was still there somewhere, that it was something that maybe could be rekindled and we could overcome all of the crap that has happened over the past few years.  But the spark has gone out, and that actually makes me quite sad.  And it's not like A's behavior and daily living has altered in a away that makes me want to try to light a new spark.  There has been little transformation on that end, and I want a partner not another child, but with A I feel like I have another child rather than an equal adult partner in my life.  And that has not changed.  Most of the things that I did not like about A are still there, and only a few of the things that I fell in love with in the first place have survived the events of the past few years.  Sure, maybe someday A will turn around, maybe someday the person I met will return, or a transformed person will emerge.  But maybe not.  It took my mother over 10 years to really recover from the death of her mother (and her daughter, grandmother and father--all in a 5 year period).  And as my father says, when you lose a parent or a child, or anyone you love, you don't get over it.  It leaves a hole in your heart.  You just have to learn how to live with that hole.  It is what I have called finding a new normal.  Anytime there is a major life event (birth/adoption, death, loss of job, new job, moving, etc...) it takes time to find a new normal.  I almost had found a new normal last fall before A returned.  Now I feel like we are floundering around again.  Part of it is the uncertainty of the future, most poignantly the uncertainty of income.  They boys disability subsidies will still come each month to help offset the inherent issues in raising children with special needs (like the inability to work full time), but it is not really enough to live on unless I move back into the trailer, which needs SO much work (even though we already put a lot of work into it), or to move in with my Dad, which has its own set of issues, not the least of which is the fact that A lives there and I am not really ready to live with A again.

So anyway, my life of transformation seems to have a lot of areas that need to be transformed....