So, an update on the house situation....we pushed hard this weekend to get things ready for the final inspections. We still have a few absolute necessities to do prior to the final inspection, and then a bunch of other stuff to do to get it ready to move the kids in, but we are ready for the electrical inspection (or will be within the next 24 hours), and so I called the electrical inspector this morning--the only one who services this area--and his message said he is on VACATION until May7th.
SO that put the brakes on, as without the final electrical inspection, I can not have the final, final inspection to get the CO. So, while we will still keep working (as there is still a bunch of painting and cleaning up and finalization of the bathroom and kitchen (had a problem with my well laid floor--self sticky tiles will not bind even with the bond enhancer I put down prior to laying them out, so I am having to lift each tile up and spray adhesive under it and lay it back down, so the bathroom completion is a bit delayed). So it will still be a busy week, but we do not have to push as hard because I have to renew my Workers comp insurance to keep the building permit for another week (I had hoped and push to avoid having to do that, but luckily my little tax refund arrived finally so I have the funds to pay it, which was part of the problem--I am so glad money arrives when it is so needed). So maybe tomorrow my father can take a break as he has not taken a day off in like 2 weeks (though of course he will just go work at Dr. Hammer's house as they are coming home this week and he has to get that opened up and ready, but at least it will be a change of pace).
My goal now is to have all the painting done (including both boys rooms and the day care area (which I am only repainting a little bit of that now as I don't have enough paint to redo the whole thing, so Salmon Colored walls will have to stay as the paint is in good shape and does not NEED to be painted over. I also plan to have the kitchen and bathroom fully functional and ready to roll by the 7th. AND have everything cleaned up (right now it is both a mess of construction material and mess AND storage of my apartment and stuff people have given for the house which now really needs to be moved into the garage area as most of the construction are now out of that area. It IS covered with Sheetrock dust and saw dust though, so before I move anything back there, I have to clean it up. but that is one of my goals for the next few days.
So while I am disappointed that I can not get the final inspections for another wee, I am happy that I will be able to get more of the stuff done to make it truly livable before actually moving the kids in, and when I have the CO, I should be able to make the transition the very next day, rather than having a gap between the CO and the move in day. We can survive another week the way we have been going. The kids will be okay, and A will be okay ( I hope--things seem slightly calmer this morning than they have been the past week or so), and I will be okay. (ya know it is a good thing my ex's name starts with an A and not an I because that could get confusing, I mean using "A" to denote my ex is confusing enough, but if I had to use "I" I would probably have to get more creative. Or I could just a have a ball writing really confusing posts and trying to explain them and making anyone who reads them think they they are on drugs or something (or that I am on drugs or something...coffee.....hmmmmm...that is my drug of choice.....followed closely by chocolate). No, my insanity is my own and I embrace it proudly...! Oh dear...rambling aimlessly...time to go...
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Some Days
Some days I wonder how much is too much....
Some days I feel the weight of responsibility from so many directions, I feel like it is going to crush me....
Some days I feel like no one can understand, and no one wants to...and most days that is okay...
Some days keeping on keeping on is harder than it appears from the outside....
Most days I don't have the answers....I just keep going on as best I can with what I have...and try to find the silver lining...and keep going even if I can't find it...because tomorrow is always a new day...
Most days I try not to ask for help from other people, I made my decisions and my day to day life is the culmination of those decisions, and so I figure I will accept what help is offered for a various things...and hope that those who are offering help actually want to help, and I just try to roll with the rest...
Some days rolling is hard...
Most days I feel like no one actually knows me....and most days that is okay...because I know me...but some days,
Some days.....
Some Day....I want someone to know me...
Some days I feel the weight of responsibility from so many directions, I feel like it is going to crush me....
Some days I feel like no one can understand, and no one wants to...and most days that is okay...
Some days keeping on keeping on is harder than it appears from the outside....
Most days I don't have the answers....I just keep going on as best I can with what I have...and try to find the silver lining...and keep going even if I can't find it...because tomorrow is always a new day...
Most days I try not to ask for help from other people, I made my decisions and my day to day life is the culmination of those decisions, and so I figure I will accept what help is offered for a various things...and hope that those who are offering help actually want to help, and I just try to roll with the rest...
Some days rolling is hard...
Most days I feel like no one actually knows me....and most days that is okay...because I know me...but some days,
Some days.....
Some Day....I want someone to know me...
Friday, February 3, 2012
A little time to myself....
Okay, so I know I do have breaks in my day which are technically time for myself between the split shift that I work with the kids I babysit, but it lately has been so filled with dealing with things with the new house, school meetings, dr/dentist appointments for the kids, and all sorts of other stuff that have to be done, that it is rarely "me" time. And, as my last post said I have been in dire need of reducing my stress levels. So today I have some time, by myself following an appointment for myself to just be me. I am sitting at the library, like I used to do every day last year, and just enjoying the peace, quiet, and solitude for a little bit before driving back home. A is planning on having the kids for dinner, so there is no reason for me to rush home.
The past few weeks I have been juggling the idea of stepping away from the babysitting and trying to find a job that provides a better income. Now that my savings are depleted and the house is no where near ready, so the opening date of the daycare is still a long way off (which when this all started a few months ago, I had figured out and planned that the house would be done and daycare registration approved by the state at about the same time that my saving ran out, which would have been fine, as I could have then been in the position to increase my income through the daycare. But alas, we are still at least a month from finishing the house, and at least 2 months (as I have to wait for the house to be done to even finish the paperwork to schedule the home inspections) from completing all of the inspections and licensing requirements for the day care (probably more). So the $80 a week I make babysitting is just not going to be able to carry us through the next few months, even with the boys' subsidies. So I am trying to make a hard decision...the decision to try to figure out other gainful employment and thus strand one of my potential daycare families until it opens so that I can make enough to live on, or to just try to keep squeaking forward with that I've got and pray that it will be enough to build the bridge between the depletion of the savings and the time that the daycare starts paying for itself and my family's needs.
I have been looking at the online writing that I used to do and I am not at a high enough income level with it to even replace the babysitting dollar for dollar, so that is not an option really. I think I am going to have to start applying for other jobs, but the area I live in has so few this time of year, so I will be branching out down to this area (where I am sitting int the library over an hour from home), and I have to make enough to offset the costs of fuel and childcare, or it is a moot point. So I am juggling and searching, and seeking a resolution to this issue, at least for the short term until things are such that the daycare can be opened.
In short term hindsight, I wish I had not taken on this massive project. i am hoping that a year from now I will look back with a longer term hindsight and say that this period of stress and uncertainty was worth it, and that I made the right decision to invest in my future in this particular way. (I know, I have a bunch of oddly structured sentences in this post).
So, anyway... I am going to return to surfing the want ads and see if I can come up with a few leads that will help alleviate some of the overlapping issues that I face right now, as finding and affording childcare for two kids with special needs is a challenge AND getting a job that allows the time off that I need in order to get them to all of their appointments (can you imagine any employer that would have given me the 16 half-days that I had to take off during the month of January for various necessary appointments fro the kids?!?). Boy do I miss my days at Cornell and the flexibility in scheduling that both Ed and Steve allowed me, as I could make up the hours in the evenings or weekends....
The past few weeks I have been juggling the idea of stepping away from the babysitting and trying to find a job that provides a better income. Now that my savings are depleted and the house is no where near ready, so the opening date of the daycare is still a long way off (which when this all started a few months ago, I had figured out and planned that the house would be done and daycare registration approved by the state at about the same time that my saving ran out, which would have been fine, as I could have then been in the position to increase my income through the daycare. But alas, we are still at least a month from finishing the house, and at least 2 months (as I have to wait for the house to be done to even finish the paperwork to schedule the home inspections) from completing all of the inspections and licensing requirements for the day care (probably more). So the $80 a week I make babysitting is just not going to be able to carry us through the next few months, even with the boys' subsidies. So I am trying to make a hard decision...the decision to try to figure out other gainful employment and thus strand one of my potential daycare families until it opens so that I can make enough to live on, or to just try to keep squeaking forward with that I've got and pray that it will be enough to build the bridge between the depletion of the savings and the time that the daycare starts paying for itself and my family's needs.
I have been looking at the online writing that I used to do and I am not at a high enough income level with it to even replace the babysitting dollar for dollar, so that is not an option really. I think I am going to have to start applying for other jobs, but the area I live in has so few this time of year, so I will be branching out down to this area (where I am sitting int the library over an hour from home), and I have to make enough to offset the costs of fuel and childcare, or it is a moot point. So I am juggling and searching, and seeking a resolution to this issue, at least for the short term until things are such that the daycare can be opened.
In short term hindsight, I wish I had not taken on this massive project. i am hoping that a year from now I will look back with a longer term hindsight and say that this period of stress and uncertainty was worth it, and that I made the right decision to invest in my future in this particular way. (I know, I have a bunch of oddly structured sentences in this post).
So, anyway... I am going to return to surfing the want ads and see if I can come up with a few leads that will help alleviate some of the overlapping issues that I face right now, as finding and affording childcare for two kids with special needs is a challenge AND getting a job that allows the time off that I need in order to get them to all of their appointments (can you imagine any employer that would have given me the 16 half-days that I had to take off during the month of January for various necessary appointments fro the kids?!?). Boy do I miss my days at Cornell and the flexibility in scheduling that both Ed and Steve allowed me, as I could make up the hours in the evenings or weekends....
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Dentist!?!!? Elves make Toys!!....
Okay, so this has nothing to do with Rudolf or the elf that wants to be a dentist, but it does have to do with a dentist, so I had to have a more seasonal title..
SO....
I believe I have posted before about the saga we have had trying to find someone to work on Josiah's teeth (I looked back through and can't figure out what post it was in). So, I will just do a quick summary.
One of the challenging things about damage to the brain which happens in CP is that for many people the teeth do not form correctly. When Josiah's teeth came in there were holes in the enamel in various teeth on both sides, and all of the teeth on the left side were visibly thinner and smaller than the ones on the right side of his mouth. We consulted our doctor and he was not concerned, and we also consulted a dentist. There was only one dentist in the area where we were that both accepted medicaid AND took kids under 5 years old. Our thought was that sealing them would help they avoid decay as the holes where decay can get a foothold were already there. BUT medicaid does not cover tooth sealing, and as we were barely surviving financially so could not pay the high prices for tooth sealing. We were fastidious about brushing his teeth and making sure that those holes in his teeth were kept clean.
But even the best of brushing can not keep things clean entirely, and in the summer of 2010 I noticed a small spot of brown in one of the holes. As we had moved up here, we found the only pediatric dentist who took medicaid and young children here. . I called them first and explained his medical history, as some dentists (and heck, some doctors) can be hesitant to work with a child with his medical history. They said they see kinds with all sorts of special needs. So we made an appointment. Gonzo got his cleaning and check up done first. And then Josiah's turn came, and they decided at the last minute that to even clean his teeth they needed clearance from a cardiologist and a pulmonary doctor. As he had been cleared by cardiology as a baby before I even adopted him, I did not have a cardiologist, nor did I have or know where to get, the paperwork showing that he had been released from cardiology. So began a six month saga of getting a referral to and an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist (with chest x-rays and an EKG done beforehand. Due to a snowstorm in late November 2010, they canceled his appointment and rescheduled him for January. So finally in January we saw the cardiologist and he was pronounced to have a healthy heart that needed no followup or any special treatment for dental work.
So we submitted this to the dentist the very same day. Then we were told his pulmonary clearance was too old for them to be able to do a cleaning. So I called this pulmonary doctor to get a new clearance letter, and was told it had been too long since his last appointment and we would have to come in again. So they scheduled us for 3 weeks later. On the 2 1/2 hour drive to see the pulmonary doctor, my car broke down on the side of the highway. We missed the appointment, but thanks to a very helpful police man were able to get the car running well enough to limp it off the highway and get it to a shop where it was fixed. OF course I had to rely on family to help as I did not have the funds necessary, so my Mom and step father put some money on my green dot card (handy little thing that is). Josiah and I had a long lunch at subway that day while waiting for the car to be ready to drive back home (the car died completely about 2 1/2 weeks later). So we scheduled another appointment, the earliest they had was in March. About a week before the appointment the office called to say that his pulmonary doctor who had been following him since he first PICU emergency was leaving the practice and would I like to reschedule with one of the other doctors, which would be an appointment for late April. So I declined and decided to find a closer one. Josiah's pediatrician referred us to a great pulmonary group at a closer children's hospital (only 1 hr and 45 minutes way). The appointment was for mid-April. So come mid-April, we got in to see the new pulmonary doc, and he was great. We got the specific clearances that the dentist needed to both do regular cleanings and sedated dental work. We took those to the dentist office, and they had to check with the doctor before scheduling a cleaning/checkup.
but this time that little spot of brown had grown and three other teeth with holes had started to show brown spots, and in the areas of thin enamel there was some discoloration starting. So finally in early June he had a cleaning and x-rays, and a check up, nearly a year after this saga began. 14 of his teeth are affected, with that first one I mentioned being the worst one (that one cracked and broke in early July, but as it did not seem to be causing him discomfort the doctor said it would be fine until surgery. So we were put on the waiting list for dental surgery. I got a call from the person that handles it and she said she needed more medical records from his doctor as the surgery center was not sure they could handle his medical issues. So that was all sent in. I told her to tell me now if they are not able to do it, as we had waited long ewnough and if they couldn't do it, I was willign to drive out to the dental school attached to a children's hospital 5 hours away as I knew that they could be comfortable with his medical history and current issues. They got back to me in a few days and said the surgery center and anesthesiologist had reviewed his history and were comfortable doign the surgery. So we were all set and just had to wait for a space to open up.
In August I get a call that he is scheduled for September 14th. So we start preparing for that, hada heck of a tiem scheduling his pre-op, but got it all set up. And then two days before the surgery he developed a fever and stuffy/runny nose and a cough. So he could not go under anesthtesia. So he was again put on the waiting list. I got a call in mid-November that he could come in either december 8th or 22nd for the surgery as they had openings on both days. So, as his concert was the 8th and he was so excited about the concert, we chose the 22nd as his surgery day. We had his pre-op done, got everythign all arranged, and even notified the school. He had his intake phone call with the nurse on Friday, and everythign was all set for this coming Thursday. A and I both took the day off, and were ready to roll. Josiah had been complainign of tooth pain since Saturday, so we have been rinsing with salt water a few times a day, and I was looking forward to him finally getting these teeth fixed.
Then on Monday morning I get a phone call that the anestesiologist changed their mind at the last minute and now is not comfortable working with josiah's medical issues. So they can not do the surgery. 18 months of jumping through hoops, getting clearances, being told that they can do it, and THIS last minute decision NOT to do it. At least they are calling in a prescription for amoxicillin to deal with the infection that appears to be developing in Josiah's tooth. But that does not solve the problem. Now we have to start over. Now Josiah has to wait even longer with his teeth getting continually worse. Even with good brushing and trying to make sure he rinses with water after eating sweets or crackers that stick to his teeth, his teeth are still slowly deteriorating. For a kids with a great smile and such a normally happy disposition (except at school for soem reason...) it is horrible to make him wiat any longer. So, I am a bit frustrated....well much, MUCH more than a bit.....
I just have to breathe and roll with it, and doctors, dentists and teachers are definitely not all cut from the soem cloth. Some are in those positions becasue they want to help all people, and others only want ot work with the easy ones, and shove the rest of the children aside. Good old Nazi ideals at work, elimiate all that do not fit the mold. Lately, I feel like we are dealing with more than our fair share of inflexible and intolerant professionals when it comes to Josiah.....
Well, maybe with the anitbiotics and not the surgery, Josiah will have a better Christmas. He always has a hard time for a few days after anestesia....So Merry Christmas....
SO....
I believe I have posted before about the saga we have had trying to find someone to work on Josiah's teeth (I looked back through and can't figure out what post it was in). So, I will just do a quick summary.
One of the challenging things about damage to the brain which happens in CP is that for many people the teeth do not form correctly. When Josiah's teeth came in there were holes in the enamel in various teeth on both sides, and all of the teeth on the left side were visibly thinner and smaller than the ones on the right side of his mouth. We consulted our doctor and he was not concerned, and we also consulted a dentist. There was only one dentist in the area where we were that both accepted medicaid AND took kids under 5 years old. Our thought was that sealing them would help they avoid decay as the holes where decay can get a foothold were already there. BUT medicaid does not cover tooth sealing, and as we were barely surviving financially so could not pay the high prices for tooth sealing. We were fastidious about brushing his teeth and making sure that those holes in his teeth were kept clean.
But even the best of brushing can not keep things clean entirely, and in the summer of 2010 I noticed a small spot of brown in one of the holes. As we had moved up here, we found the only pediatric dentist who took medicaid and young children here. . I called them first and explained his medical history, as some dentists (and heck, some doctors) can be hesitant to work with a child with his medical history. They said they see kinds with all sorts of special needs. So we made an appointment. Gonzo got his cleaning and check up done first. And then Josiah's turn came, and they decided at the last minute that to even clean his teeth they needed clearance from a cardiologist and a pulmonary doctor. As he had been cleared by cardiology as a baby before I even adopted him, I did not have a cardiologist, nor did I have or know where to get, the paperwork showing that he had been released from cardiology. So began a six month saga of getting a referral to and an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist (with chest x-rays and an EKG done beforehand. Due to a snowstorm in late November 2010, they canceled his appointment and rescheduled him for January. So finally in January we saw the cardiologist and he was pronounced to have a healthy heart that needed no followup or any special treatment for dental work.
So we submitted this to the dentist the very same day. Then we were told his pulmonary clearance was too old for them to be able to do a cleaning. So I called this pulmonary doctor to get a new clearance letter, and was told it had been too long since his last appointment and we would have to come in again. So they scheduled us for 3 weeks later. On the 2 1/2 hour drive to see the pulmonary doctor, my car broke down on the side of the highway. We missed the appointment, but thanks to a very helpful police man were able to get the car running well enough to limp it off the highway and get it to a shop where it was fixed. OF course I had to rely on family to help as I did not have the funds necessary, so my Mom and step father put some money on my green dot card (handy little thing that is). Josiah and I had a long lunch at subway that day while waiting for the car to be ready to drive back home (the car died completely about 2 1/2 weeks later). So we scheduled another appointment, the earliest they had was in March. About a week before the appointment the office called to say that his pulmonary doctor who had been following him since he first PICU emergency was leaving the practice and would I like to reschedule with one of the other doctors, which would be an appointment for late April. So I declined and decided to find a closer one. Josiah's pediatrician referred us to a great pulmonary group at a closer children's hospital (only 1 hr and 45 minutes way). The appointment was for mid-April. So come mid-April, we got in to see the new pulmonary doc, and he was great. We got the specific clearances that the dentist needed to both do regular cleanings and sedated dental work. We took those to the dentist office, and they had to check with the doctor before scheduling a cleaning/checkup.
but this time that little spot of brown had grown and three other teeth with holes had started to show brown spots, and in the areas of thin enamel there was some discoloration starting. So finally in early June he had a cleaning and x-rays, and a check up, nearly a year after this saga began. 14 of his teeth are affected, with that first one I mentioned being the worst one (that one cracked and broke in early July, but as it did not seem to be causing him discomfort the doctor said it would be fine until surgery. So we were put on the waiting list for dental surgery. I got a call from the person that handles it and she said she needed more medical records from his doctor as the surgery center was not sure they could handle his medical issues. So that was all sent in. I told her to tell me now if they are not able to do it, as we had waited long ewnough and if they couldn't do it, I was willign to drive out to the dental school attached to a children's hospital 5 hours away as I knew that they could be comfortable with his medical history and current issues. They got back to me in a few days and said the surgery center and anesthesiologist had reviewed his history and were comfortable doign the surgery. So we were all set and just had to wait for a space to open up.
In August I get a call that he is scheduled for September 14th. So we start preparing for that, hada heck of a tiem scheduling his pre-op, but got it all set up. And then two days before the surgery he developed a fever and stuffy/runny nose and a cough. So he could not go under anesthtesia. So he was again put on the waiting list. I got a call in mid-November that he could come in either december 8th or 22nd for the surgery as they had openings on both days. So, as his concert was the 8th and he was so excited about the concert, we chose the 22nd as his surgery day. We had his pre-op done, got everythign all arranged, and even notified the school. He had his intake phone call with the nurse on Friday, and everythign was all set for this coming Thursday. A and I both took the day off, and were ready to roll. Josiah had been complainign of tooth pain since Saturday, so we have been rinsing with salt water a few times a day, and I was looking forward to him finally getting these teeth fixed.
Then on Monday morning I get a phone call that the anestesiologist changed their mind at the last minute and now is not comfortable working with josiah's medical issues. So they can not do the surgery. 18 months of jumping through hoops, getting clearances, being told that they can do it, and THIS last minute decision NOT to do it. At least they are calling in a prescription for amoxicillin to deal with the infection that appears to be developing in Josiah's tooth. But that does not solve the problem. Now we have to start over. Now Josiah has to wait even longer with his teeth getting continually worse. Even with good brushing and trying to make sure he rinses with water after eating sweets or crackers that stick to his teeth, his teeth are still slowly deteriorating. For a kids with a great smile and such a normally happy disposition (except at school for soem reason...) it is horrible to make him wiat any longer. So, I am a bit frustrated....well much, MUCH more than a bit.....
I just have to breathe and roll with it, and doctors, dentists and teachers are definitely not all cut from the soem cloth. Some are in those positions becasue they want to help all people, and others only want ot work with the easy ones, and shove the rest of the children aside. Good old Nazi ideals at work, elimiate all that do not fit the mold. Lately, I feel like we are dealing with more than our fair share of inflexible and intolerant professionals when it comes to Josiah.....
Well, maybe with the anitbiotics and not the surgery, Josiah will have a better Christmas. He always has a hard time for a few days after anestesia....So Merry Christmas....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Blood draws, X-rays, and brethalyzers...oh my!
So today was Gonzo's appointment with the endocrinologist. I had forewarned him that he may have to have blood taken for testing. his response was "all of it?!?! How will I stand up!?!" to which I assured him that they only take a little bit and that his body will be able to make more. So he was a little freaked out going into the appointment. The endocrinologist was very personable, and if we end up needing to continue with her, I think it will be a good match. Having doctors that you feel comfortable is imperative to proper health care. I am hoping all of the tests come out fine and we don't have any more treatment needed, but at least it is good to know that you like the specialist. So after the appointment, the doctor felt that testing was warranted, so Gonz DID have to have his blood drawn and she wanted an bone age density test done, which is an x-ray. So as usually, anything having to do with needles is difficult for Gonz, so it was myself plus two nurses who needed to hang on to him and get the blood draw. Poor little guy was just in such a panic. But he is a trooper and came out okay. He was still asking if his body will make more blood, and I reassured him that it was already making more to replace the little bit they took to test.
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Interviews, Incomes, and Ideas....
Well, I had an interview via phone today with a company out near my ex's family. it seemed to go well and I should hear by the end of the week or early next week if I am invited in for a face to face interview with the next person up the chain. If that goes well there will be a final interview with the director of that division of the company. And if that goes well, I may have a fair paying job, so a move of nearly 5 hours would have to commence and we would have to start the process of finding the right schools for the kids, and hopefully getting into an area where they are easy to work with as a team and not an "us and them" attitude school district. But anyway, I made it to the first step in a potential job process. Getting back to my career after four years away from it is an exciting possibility.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sorry for the long delay...
With april Break and just a LOT going on, I have had very little time to actually sit downand write on my computer. The kids keep me hoping, more so than usual these past couple of weeks. I did finally do a weigh in on monday, and I had gained back 2 pounds fo what I had lost. This does not surprise me as I have been eating less carefully than i should be, and allowed my emotional eating tendencies to have free reign a bit. It just means that I have to reboot my motivation, and focus on the amazing healthy life I can have and will have as I respect my body and emotions better.
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The weekend...
Wow. I just realized that I have not posted since Friday morning. It is a beautiful weekend weather wise. We even got up near 60 degrees at home today. And the monstrous mountain of snow in front of my house is now only about 5 feet high. I can't see any yard yet, its still under at least 2-3 feet of snow, but the driveway is clearer which is nice.
Okay so Friday was a nice day. I need to get to food journaling. So Friday I had a sub on 9 grain wheat with cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, banana peppers, pickles, and chipolte sauce (at subway). I also had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a single size bag of smartfood popcorn. For dinner, the kids had mini pizzas and A and I had steak-um sandwiches. I ate some jelly beans with the kids sometime in the evening.
Saturday I had ww toast with pb and honey, and later a bowl of cheerios with milk. I had a little box mac & cheese for lunch. For dinner I went over to my Dad's house. I brought baked chicken, and my sister and her kids brought mac salad and chips, and we all enjoyed a nice meal and conversation. I had some microwave popcorn in the evening after we got home.
Today for eats, I had toast with PB & honey, and cheerios with milk. For lunch I made scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice, as well as 2 cups of tea. I had some popcorn with a cup of tea this afternoon.
I have been trying to organize my house today. It is always nice to have things neater and calmer.
Okay so Friday was a nice day. I need to get to food journaling. So Friday I had a sub on 9 grain wheat with cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, banana peppers, pickles, and chipolte sauce (at subway). I also had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a single size bag of smartfood popcorn. For dinner, the kids had mini pizzas and A and I had steak-um sandwiches. I ate some jelly beans with the kids sometime in the evening.
Saturday I had ww toast with pb and honey, and later a bowl of cheerios with milk. I had a little box mac & cheese for lunch. For dinner I went over to my Dad's house. I brought baked chicken, and my sister and her kids brought mac salad and chips, and we all enjoyed a nice meal and conversation. I had some microwave popcorn in the evening after we got home.
Today for eats, I had toast with PB & honey, and cheerios with milk. For lunch I made scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice, as well as 2 cups of tea. I had some popcorn with a cup of tea this afternoon.
I have been trying to organize my house today. It is always nice to have things neater and calmer.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness
Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.) It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation. I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself. There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it. The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily).
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 3--What a ride!
Okay, so today has been absolutely insane. First I slept through my snooze alarm, 4 times this morning, waking up at 6:50 (we have to be out the door by 7:10 to be on time. So it was a very rushed morning, the kids were a few minutes late to school.
For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper). I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT). On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.
The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good. He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her. he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too. He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket). He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting. He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay.
From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday. So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that). So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself. So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck. I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her. She really is a great teacher. If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her.
After that, we needed to go get G. As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries. Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court. I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G. So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.
We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home. On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father. He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later. Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids. A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for). It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month. I was able to get lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education. I now know what I can and can not ask for. I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions. So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children). I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J. So overall a very productive evening.
Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned. My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting). I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.
Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm). But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed. My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him. G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn). G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies. G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE. It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet. In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm. I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies. I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas. I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better. I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior. I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out.
I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father. I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him. So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention. he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now. Oh well. My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day. Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed. I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow. Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish. So for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American. So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean. (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).
Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!. I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly. I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction. Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt. It was such a good evening until I got home. Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...
For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper). I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT). On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.
The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good. He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her. he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too. He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket). He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting. He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay.
From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday. So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that). So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself. So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck. I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her. She really is a great teacher. If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her.
After that, we needed to go get G. As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries. Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court. I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G. So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.
We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home. On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father. He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later. Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids. A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for). It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month. I was able to get lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education. I now know what I can and can not ask for. I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions. So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children). I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J. So overall a very productive evening.
Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned. My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting). I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.
Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm). But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed. My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him. G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn). G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies. G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE. It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet. In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm. I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies. I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas. I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better. I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior. I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out.
I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father. I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him. So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention. he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now. Oh well. My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day. Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed. I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow. Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish. So for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American. So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean. (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).
Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!. I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly. I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction. Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt. It was such a good evening until I got home. Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 1--the end of the day
Okay, so to finalize my food jounraling of the day...
For dinner I had a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread and a smidge of mayo. I also had about 8 oz of 100% grape juice.
For a night time snack I had a serving of left over chicken and rice soup (homemade with white beans and carrots). I also had 12 oz water.
Tomorrow is a new day. My hope is that not only will I be better prepared tomorrow for my meals, but that I will have a greater sense of control over my craving. some EFT and breathing meditations should help. A good night's sleep would do wonders. But alas it is midnight as I post this and my alarm goes off at 6am. I was watching Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and should have stopped one before I did.
Off to be now. Six hours would not be too bad. I have had many years where I have averaged far less on a regular basis....Sleep tight readers...
For dinner I had a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread and a smidge of mayo. I also had about 8 oz of 100% grape juice.
For a night time snack I had a serving of left over chicken and rice soup (homemade with white beans and carrots). I also had 12 oz water.
Tomorrow is a new day. My hope is that not only will I be better prepared tomorrow for my meals, but that I will have a greater sense of control over my craving. some EFT and breathing meditations should help. A good night's sleep would do wonders. But alas it is midnight as I post this and my alarm goes off at 6am. I was watching Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, and should have stopped one before I did.
Off to be now. Six hours would not be too bad. I have had many years where I have averaged far less on a regular basis....Sleep tight readers...
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