Day 53--There is great joy to opportunities....

There is an amazing thing that happens when you have been focusing on something that you have wanted for a long time and suddenly an opportunity that MAY bring you close to it enters your life.   The same thing that brings apprehension and fear, along with joy and anticipation, excitement and amazement.  If this potential opportunity does come to fruition in my life, it will be bigger than the biggest dream that I have had for this aspect of my life, and also come with great responsibility.  Transformation....changing the experience that I have here, the way I view and interact with the world, that is what hopes and dreams are about.  So why is it so nerve wracking when a potential opportunity presents itself?

I have an interview on Sunday (I know it sounds like an odd day for an interview, but it works out perfectly).  If the interview goes well and they like me and I like them, and we can negotiate an agreement that is useful for both sides, then I could potentially become the live on manager/farmer of a very large 950 acre organic sustainable farm.  They are ready to make the farm into a working farm that can financially sustain itself and everyone working on the farm.  And, as they have other obligations and do not need the farm to support them, they would like someone with vision, ideas, some experience with agriculture, and a desire to farm.  I replied to their ad on a whim and told them about my background and desire to farm )in a professionally written way, not like this exactly), but that I had not done any large scale farming and our little family farm growing up was just to support us, though it was organic.  I did work in agricultural research at Cornell for over 7 years, but it was not organic farming, it was commercial and basic research, not practical application.  I also talked about my wonderful time at ECHO (www.echonet.org) where I volunteered on a working demonstration farm for 7 months.  It was that time at ECHO that reawakened my desire to have living/working farm.  They are interested in meeting with me--this Sunday. 

I never expected a response, not that I did not want one, on the contrary, this is an amazing gift even to be considered.  It makes me so excited, and such a high energy good feeling is never detrimental.  I have so many ideas for taking a farm forward--farmers markets, u-pick operations, potential contacts with NYC restaurants (via the owners who used to co-own a restaurant in NYC), pasture raised poultry for egg production and sale, a section of the farm set up as a public demonstration farm for sustainable backyard farming, possible retreat opportunities, etc...  there is so much that I can envision with a farm so large.  So while it is extremely exciting, it is also a daunting, and scary in some ways....

There is a part of me that relishes this time that I have right now, where I really do little of impact on the world, have responsibility really only to my own children, and really am just surviving.  To step forward and even entertain this idea, it would mean a life of meaning and purpose, risks and successes,  things that work and things that do not, and multiple responsibilities to self, family, and many others.  I think my greatest apprehension is in the fear of failure, the fear of letting others down.  But in that also lies the greatest possibility for creating something great, something that can help others and be amazing for me and my family.

The idea of raising my children on a farm, eating mostly food that we have grown ourselves, the health aspects of living that lifestyle, the amazing adventures we can have just in our daily lives....well that is the most wonderful anticipation possible.  I have in depth understanding of how much work it takes to farm, and the idea is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

So that is where I am this week.  Preparing mentally for this interview on Sunday, and enjoying the up part of the whirlwind of emotions.  I have enjoyed walking around the ponds this week (did I mention that the farm that I hope to manage has many ponds...so I would have new ponds to enjoy on my morning walks), and am enjoying the beautiful  flowers that have been blooming all over.  Today is chilly (around 30 degrees this morning, now up to 37 and a drizzly cloudy day), but it was a nice walk around the ponds at the big park.  The ducks are always beautiful.  The willow trees are really setting leaves now, and with a mix of yellow and green, they look really cool right now.

Oh my gosh I forgot to write about it....

A got a job!!  The car salesman is back in car sales.  While A has a degree in social work, there is always a point of burn out.  When A started selling cars after we adopted J, it was  match made in heaven.  A became number 2 in sales in a large dealership within a couple of months (beating people with years of experience), and stayed int eh number one or two spot for the duration of employment, which was longer than any job I had seen A have.  And A LOVED the work, loved making people happy getting them into a good car, loved the thrill of making the sale, loved the camaraderie and the competition with colleagues... 

But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success.  So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped.  Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart.  So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me.  AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home.  Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house.  And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.

I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship.  And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life.  I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself.  in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely.  And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me.  So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain.  But suffice to say that I am okay with them.