Very cool series

I was finishing up the Healing with the Master's Volume 9 inspirational webinar series, and I happened up a link to another series that started in Early May, but goes through most of the summer, so there are still many speakers to go.  It is free to sign up and get on the calls.  Even if you can not be on the live call, they record them and have them available for you to listen to for 48 hours after each speakers call.  I never seem to be able to be on the live calls, but I greatly enjoy listening to and learning from them as I have time later in the evening.  It is usually 2 calls a week, so just 2 hours a week of power and profound spiritual, mental, and emotional guidance and teachings for self empowerment and growth from some of the best in their fields.

I have placed a banner at the top of my blog that links to the site.  You just sign up and they will send you email reminders of upcoming calls.  NO pressure, no cost, no obligation to listen to all of the calls--Just an offering of amazing teachings, philosophies and techniques to help you grow.

Enjoy!

wow, a ten day break from blogging!

This is the longest break I think I have taken from blogging since I started this blog nearly a year ago.

So, I have been working a lot of the house, renovations seems to go so slowly.  But we had the framing inspector come and he approved what has been done so far.  So that is a good thing.  I am still hopeful that somehow we will be able to be done by March 13th so we can be moved in by March 15th, which is when I have to be out of my apartment.  It is coming along...I have faith that we will make it by the deadline.

Josiah showed some improvement during the remainder of that last week of school before the winter break.  We have been working on reducing any potential bad behavior influence in case that is exacerbating the problem.  Like I wrote last time, we have eliminated SpongeBob for the time being as so many of the rude things he was saying was coming from there.  A and I evaluated video games and we discovered that the Hulk game they got for Christmas has a lot of "I'm gonna make you die" and "I'll break your neck sucker."  and similar phases, we have decided to remove all superhero video games (and any superhero shows) for a while until the kids are able to understand that you just can NOT say those kinds of things outside of a video game.  So essentially the kids 2 dimensional entertainment has been truncated to much more wholesome shows of their choosing--mainly Veggie Tales, Go Diego Go, Thomas the Train, Up, Curious George, etc.... and video games mainly racing games like Mario Cart, and WII play, MonkeyBall, and Sonic.  the do have other games (Nemo, Dora, Madagascar, etc...) that they can play too.

In addition we have been working together on self-control techniques, reducing "freak out" behavior, super praising positive and wanted behavior and actions.  The kids are being more responsible in cleaning up after themselves, which has been great, as Gonzo had been doing well with it, but Josiah had just been refusing to do it.  And now they have both been helping, and HAPPY about it.  Josiah, with verbal persuasion, actually wore his glasses for HOURS today, without complaining after the first 10 minutes.  As he is supposed to wear them 6 plus hours a day, it is great to finally have some compliance in this area.  I am hoping that as he returns to school next week, his good behavior and compliant behavior (I have been using a combination of collaborative problem solving, where he and I talk about a problem and decide together on a solution), and basic "I'm the mom and I love you so you need to do this.  It is good for you because XYZ".  Gonzo, as usual, is more problematic for me at home than he is a school, and so using the collaborative problem solving has been somewhat effective, but as soon as another person is in the mix, he becomes Mr. defiant and nastily rude to me about some things.  Overall there has been some improvement in this area, but Mr. bossy and I still butt heads from time to time, which usually includes a lot of melodrama on his part.  Overall though, this vacation has seen the kids working and playing well together, and having some good family moments.

I have been working on a few things in myself these past couple of weeks as well.  To reduce stress I have been trying to do a guided mediation a few times a week, and it has been helpful, as well as some other centering exercises.  I have also been trying to move my body more.  I had mentioned previously that I am connecting socially with people in a neat virtual world called Second Life.  They have an extremely wide variety of different sim worlds there, and so I pick and choose.  I have found a couple of DJ music clubs and you can dance animate your avatar (the representation of yourself in the virtual world).  So some nights I have decided to imitate my avatar with the dance moves.  It has been fun!  Though of course I close the shades, as I really don't think anyone wants to see me dancing around my living room.  But it is a good workout, with great music and a lot of fun.

The next couple of weeks will be full of working on the house, packing the apartment, and praying that everything comes together in time....

Life is good.....

Ya Know.....even when life it stressful, life is still good.  There have been a great many things lately that I have been thinking about, which seems to always be my state of being...I am a thinker....I think ALL the time...and I enjoy thinking.

Thinking is not the same as worrying...or stressing....or anything that adds negativity to my life.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking a lot about many of the experiences currently in my life that do not resonate with my inner being, those things which do not feel good to me on a deeper sense.  A couple of weeks ago I defined some of those things in my post "Relieving Stress........!?!".  I have been focusing on what feeling I WANT to have and imagining what experiences would help to bring those feelings into my daily life experience.  I had detailed some of those in the post I mentioned, and have actively been working on allowing those experiences to enter my reality, doing what I can to open the door to experiencing better feeling things.

So this is the list of experiences I am opening my life to as per the post on February 1, and the ways in which things are moving in the right direction mentioned under each one:

1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
--Funds were generously donated that has greatly helped towards this goal...allowing me and the kids to remain in our apartment for another month while we finish the house, which will give us a much smoother transition overall.  Some of the funds also helped alleviate some of the stress around a particular problem that I had not budgeted for and was completely unexpected....so yes, it is a hit that will impact my ability to buy flooring, it is far less stressful because the funds to cover it are available.

2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
--With this I am just continuing to breathe and be grateful for whatever help is given in moving the project closer to completion.  Every little bit helps, and it is coming together.  I just have to focus on the finished project and know that it will be done in time to make a smooth move over there prior to the Ides of March.

3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
--This I am learning to be patient with this, knowing that as the house is nearing completion I will soon be able to have my inspections and open the childcare center.

4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
--Well, they have been behaving better...

5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
--My car is now repaired and inspected, thanks to my step father.  I am very glad to have this nice blue sticker on my windshield that says my car is safe and legal.

6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
--I'm thinking about how to work on this one, stayed up late last night thinking about this one  (haha...just kidding).  I'll get there someday.....

7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
--I have reduced the amount of processed food that were in my grocery cart last week (almost none--just cereal, granola bars, and goldfish crackers--all for the kids, and a few cans of soup and stuff) and increased the amount of fresh and frozen vegetables.  I have also started drinking my green smoothies (Click) for breakfast again with 2 oz of lean turkey on the side.  I think I am going to stick with the simple blending I did today and only add other flavors once in a while.  The simple and fine tasting smoothie recipe is: 2 stalks celery, 1 1/2 cups chopped kale, 1 medium size apple, 3 Tbs lemon Juice, 1 Tbs Flax seed, 1 Tbs Spirulina, 5 ice cubes, and 10 oz water.  Blend to desired consistency and then drink (today I did not blend enough and had to eat part of it with a spoon as it was very dense).  The taste is not bad, and once you get used to it it tastes pretty good.  But it makes you feel great.  That is a lot of raw plant matter, which has lots of nutrients---very refreshing!!!  I am also going back to following a more calorie reduced diet (1800 calories) with limited processed carbohydrates (no bread, crackers, pasta, other processed grains--only rice, oats, potatoes, corn--whole food grains), and unprocessed meats or legumes.  I have gotten away from focusing on my physical health, and being overweight, not eating right, not exercising really does have an effect on everything in life.  If my body does not feel good, my attitude is poorer, my patience is thinner, my ability to visualize is weaker, and my overall sense of well being is muted.  So I am bringing physical health back into the forefront for a while. 

8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
--I have been doing a little family therapy with the boys once a week for the past 4 weeks, and the therapist also runs an over eaters/emotional eaters therapy group.  I think I am going to start going to that, and meet some people who struggle with some of the things I struggle with so we can move out of it.  I am hoping that this will also help to make friendship connections with one or two of the women in the group.

9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
--Still working on this, A has been great about taking the kids so that I can work on the house or go to appointments.  I think I am going to try to arrange that whatever day the over eaters group is on, that the kids stay with A for that night and get on the bus there in the morning, so that I can find a more socially oriented group or club to join down in the little city without having to rush back (the city is an hour away, so evening groups or meeting normally do not work out for me).

10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.
--I have found an interesting online community (its called Second Life) that offers a LOT of different things, most of which I have no desire to explore.  I have never really been interested in joining a virtual reality world, as some of the things I have read and seen about them are pretty out there.  And while this one does have some really out there stuff, it also has some really great and down to earth people and places.  One of the things they do have are some great spiritual places where I can connect with others on similar spiritual paths for conversation, as well as libraries in world that have great spiritual guidance works, places for meditation, and just overall a way to release and explore.  I also have done some socializing on other parts of the community (it is like a whole new world, with a wide variety of destinations, themes, games, and ways to connect).  I have actually met one person who is a great conversationalist, and I have enjoyed building on online friendship.  It has been a while since I have had such stimulating conversation--philosophy, human nature, the power of mind, great books, society in general--we have conversed on a large number of topics.  I doubt we will be able to have conversation over coffee anytime in the near future as she and her husband live in France.  But it has been great getting to know her and having great conversation, it releases a lot of tension and frees my spirit.

So, yeah....I have been thinking, and following those thought up with action.  Life is what we make it, and the way we perceive it.  I am continuing to improve both my perception of my life and the experiences that set forth to bring into my life.  Every day is a new day to begin again, and move forward....

Relieving stress...!?!

Well, I have read (and written) many articles on different techniques to manage stress, and you know, sometimes all of the knowledge in the world is useless when I have trouble applying the techniques and principles of stress reduction to my life.

I have to admit, I have been stressed almost to my breaking point over the past week.  the term "nervous breakdown" kept coming to mind ... 

Between financial pressure, the stress of the house renovations, the looming time line of having to be out of the apartment around the 15th and being no where near done with the house (and without the funds to continue to pay for both places), my car being out of commission while my step father repairs the brakes and power steering so I can get it inspected (it was due in November), thus having to finagle my schedule and transportation needs with A for the week (it is amazing when you can be friends with your ex), and then the added stress of having to make sure the apartment was looking nice and neat for the landlord to show to prospective renters---well, it really has just been almost too much.  Top that off with the cat peeing on the easy chair and Josiah's coat (which was on the chair) last night, so that even with cleaning the chair as well as I could on short notice, and burning scented candles all morning, the house still smelled horrible when the landlord showed the apartment.   Right now the chair cushion is outside int eh rain hoping to let nature wash out some of the smell.  If I can't get the smell out, I may have to say goodbye to the chair.  Josiah's coat I will wash 2-3 times to remove the smell (hopefully) once I get quarters.

Anyway, all of these stressors have combined with the following list of issues to just zap my strength and my motivation to practice beneficial and useful stress reduction techniques:

1) my lack of sleep (running at about 3- 4 hours a night lately),
2) my poor attention to my dietary intake (being an emotional eater and not having as much healthy food in the house--and WAY too many carbs, which is not good for a type 2 person...),
3) my lack of a regular exercise program (I miss my daily hour long walks that I used to do when I was in GF all day),
4) my poignant lack of friends that live closer than 6 hours away that I  could potentially spend time with,
5) my lack of a social life of any kind, and
6) my sorely depleted spiritual reserves

So this is a post essentially focused in the wrong direction.  I am focusing on what I DO NOT want in my life experience right now, and thus am drawing more of those experiences to me.  As the Abraham-Hicks people teach though, these are the times when we are recognizing what we do NOT want so that in contrast we can further define what we DO want, and thus move forward with a clearer, more refined picture of what we are wanting to be created in our lives.  So I will be counting this past week as a week of finding clarity, and move forward from here knowing that what I pray for my upcoming experiences are:

1) The funds to have a smooth transition over the next couple of months
2) The house completed with CO in hand, and a smooth move into our new place
3) A consistent, regular income to support my family
4) Pets that behave and find non-destructive ways to express themselves
5) A vehicle that is in good working order and stays that way
6) A consistent sleep each night that allows my body, mind, and spirit its needed rest
7) A more mindful approach to eating healthy and nourishing my body in healing ways
8) developing a few close friendships with people who live nearby
9) Arranging the necessary child care and time to find a social outlet that meets regularly
10) Creating time and space in my day and mind to replenish and further develop my Spiritual self.

So I am now breathing and refocusing my attention towards thoughts that relieve my stress.  I would love to hear from some of you, my readers, about things that you do to reduce stress and gain a better attitude and more peaceful focus during times of challenge.  Please leave me some suggestions in the comments! I know that given time and discipline, I will feel far more calm and relaxed about everything going on, and hopefully find a stronger motivation and joy in the adventure that this life brings...

Tired.....Searching......

Today I feel tired, not that physical tiredness that comes from a day full of work, chores, and activities.  But a mental, emotional, spiritual tiredness that comes from searching and seeking answers, a path, the right way to go on so many different topics and levels...the search that has given no clear answers. 

I am so tired of watching the public school system struggle with how to teach children in a way that honors them--their creativity, their individuality, their validity as fully formed human beings......And it is NOT just this small school system.  When we lived in a much larger area with access to many more resources and the choice of multiple Kindergartens )two of which were integrated rooms with both a regular education and special education teacher co-teaching team--even in what SOUNDED like the right environment, it was all wrong.  So it is not just the small school environment.  It is the whole institutional idea that all children need to be the same, all behaviors need to conform to the ideal so f the teacher, all thoughts, beliefs, and performance must be identical--it strips the humanity from the children, it attempts to turn them into drones that fit like cogs in a machine.  Perfect--not even real perfection, but rather the school or teachers idea of what is perfection, is emotionally and verbally shamed and verbally shoved into them.  Any child who understands their sense of themselves, any child who IS an individual, is forced to conform to someone else's idea of who and what they should be, rather than being allowed to be and learn and live and grow, and actually be the best THEM that they can be.  We have reduced human potential down to a limited range of scores on a test and a limited way of socially interacting that is far more artificial than it is real.

And moving is not going to change that.  I would home school as I did with Gonzo when it became apparent how damaging the Kindergarten room he was in (with teachers pushing him down, and calling him stupid (and a principle who backed the teacher instead of listening to our complaint, which came to us through a substitute teacher who witnessed this)). But I can not afford the necessary PT, OT, and counseling that the school provide for Josiah, AND I do believe the social interaction with peers and with other people outside the family is very important for a person to be well rounded.If I had the funds I would love to create a school for ALL kids, with and without "special needs" where they could come and learn in a child directed way, with supporting and encouraging teachers in a supportive and encouraging environment.  Each child being met where they are, and assisted in their education by compassionate, and passionate adults who love to instill a love of learning, growth, and knowledge in children.  I have thought about this for many years, ever since Gonzo entered the hell called USA public school.  The need for REAL education, education that honors and assists children in their learning, and that meets kids where they are and helps them nurture their innate abilities to reaching their highest potential.  Rustam's Ranch Child Directed Education Center---that name was discussed many  years ago.  While all hell broke loose in my world, I have NOT let go of my dream of building such a place, of being able to bring that gift to children, and of finding a way to provide it for free......

Any philanthropists out there who want to fund the start up and ongoing tuition scholarship of such a school????

Just a quick post....

It has been a crazy week!

After a wonderful Thanksgiving feast and celebration at my sister's house, we were supposed to go out to A's family to celebrate Thanksgiving over the weekend, leaving Saturday morning.  However on Friday afternoon, A was over at my house and we were talking about what time we were leaving, as well as discussing Christmas plans and Christmas gifts.  All of a sudden A say to me "Can you get me the number for St. Pete's, I want to go to detox."  It came seemingly out of the blue, but I gave A the number and A called.  St. Peter's Hospital had beds open and if A was ready to get sober, there was room and to come on down.  So after A going back and forth about going down right then or waiting until after we got back from the weekend visit with family, A decided to go to detox, and get the withdrawal from alcohol done.

As it was so last minute, I could not find anyone to watch the kids so the boys came with us, which meant that after driving nearly 3 hours, we waited with A in the ER waiting room until they called A back for intake and tests prior to admitting.  When they called A back, the kids and I started the long drive home.  To many, you may be cheering and not understand my lack of enthusiasm.  It is a wonderful thing for A to take steps to being sober.  And I pray and hope that the commitment and motivation for that path is here now.  But I also have learned that as A has been through both detox and rehab multiple times (to the point that they don't ever refer to rehab anymore as A could teach rehab so there is nothing more to be learned from it), that sometimes it is short lived. 

So we did not go out of town for the weekend.  We did end up doing a lot of running around, visiting Grandpa and our chickens, and then going to Grandma's house for coffee.  We went to church on Sunday, but Josiah was so out of sorts because A was in the hospital (things like that really upset him), that he just could not keep it together for children's church, so we sat in the little lobby area and waited for Gonzo to be done.  He just was very upset and could not control his behavior.  I have to find a way to help him manage his emotions.  Some of it is development as socially/emotionally/behaviorally he is in the 24-30 month developmental range.  So he still reacts to stress and other things as a toddler would--including temper tantrums and very large expressions of emotion without words.  So I have been trying to figure out how to get him to start practicing other ways of expressing himself.  Some of his reactions. actions and behaviors I think are actually habitual more than lack of development, so I have to find ways to help him break into better habits in his behavior.  Overall though, it was a relaxed weekend though, and then the kids started back to school Monday.  Monday A called with the news of being released at 11am.  I said I could not run all the way down and back until the kids got home and even then it was going to be really hard on the kids to be in the car for 5-6 hours on a school night if I could not find someone to watch them. 

then A did something that A has never done before...A suggested that taking a bus up to glens falls (only one hour away) would doable...A suggested this, something that might make it EASIER for me and the KIDS.  Something not entirely confortable for A (but extremely reasonable for the rest of the world), and A suggested it....I feel a bit of change in the air....  So A took a bus up, and then after having lunch at a little bistro, hung out in the library where I used to spend my days while the kids were in school last year.  A few hours later, around 4:45, the kids and I arrived.  It was amazing to see A not complaining about the bus or the wait.  We all went out to dinner at the 99 Restaurant and then did a little Christmas shopping at Target, mainly just to get ideas as the boys can not think of anything they want for Christmas (did I ever mention tthat my kids are a little odd that way--maybe it is because they are not exposed to TV commercials or other forms of advertising...).  So we walked through the toy area and took note of what the kids reacted to the most.  So now I have some better ideas. 

So far so good on the recovery.  A went to an AA meeting on Thursday and had been going to work and is actually eating food again.  I also have not had A calling all the time or being at my house all the time, stopping over to visit yes, but not staying for long periods.  It feel like A is starting to built a life, a sober, more stable life.  It is these little babysteps that allow me to have a slight glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe A is serious about re-entering recovery.  It has been a week, and so far so good.  A made it longer this time then the last time.  Celebrate the baby steps...

Aside from that, this has been a crazy week, we have had to go 45 minutes to an hour away each day. Monday was picking up A. Tuesday after school, Josiah had his pre-op for dental surgery and his pediatrician decided to do his annual physical at the same time AFTER we got there, so our 15 minute appointment turned int o an hour long appointment with a few shots, which he was not happy about.  Wednesday Josiah had an 8:45 appointment with his orthopedic surgeon at the ortho clinic.  Then we had to get his x-rays done for his hips, which we not planned (I should have though as he gets them somewhat frequently to keep an eye on his hips).  So he missed school Wednesday as it was nearly the end of the school day by the time we got back home.  Thursday is Josiah's normal aquatic PT day, which is of course an hour away.  Then Friday both Josiah and I were sick.  I still babysat, but Josiah did not go to school.  Between the shots and all the running this week, his body was just pooped.  He had a cough and a fever, and was miserable on and off throughout the day.  For me is has been a wretched sore throat, the kind that is extremely painful every time I swallow...Josiah seems better today, but my throat is still very painful.  Combined with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough, it is not fun.

Today though Santa is coming to the fire hall, and the Christmas Kids shop is there too.  I have to sign off, get the kids dressed, and get up there before noon, which is when Santa leaves.  As it is 11 now, I better get a move on....

Exhaustion, confusion, and just trying to find a path....

SOOOO......................

It has been one of those weeks, where I try to stay positive, and try to look forward to a better tomorrow, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it is hard to stay on that narrow way this week.

I am tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--just...tired. 

This month has not gone at ALL the way I had anticipated when the month began....

I was so excited about Josiah starting Kindergarten and being in with mainstream peers...and it has been a nightmare--not that he is not trying but that the expectations of him to be able to just jump right into the mainstream classroom knowing exactly what to do and how to behave, in with kids who spent all of last yer together in that school in pre-k, preparing for this year when he was in a different school, different setting, and not preparing specifically for this classroom all last year, well, lets just say I believe a teacher has not grown nearly as much as she thinks she has over the past 20 years.  It is still the need to have children who fit only into the round holes that match the pre-set curriculum, and all other children just do not belong.  Not that she has said that, but even in a meeting today, as nice and open minded as she was trying to be (and I DO believe she IS trying) it is obvious that she just struggles greatly with any child who does not quickly fall into the little round hole so that the class can go as she wants it. Up until today I was leaning more towards the idea that it is old crap (which I mentioned in an earlier post though did not go into specifics) that had made me nervous for him to be in this particular classroom.  But after today, it is becoming clearer that it's not all me.  On the whole the school personnel are working VERY hard to try to understand Josiah and the web of his issues (there was yet another comment about how she understand his physical issues completely--which to me shows how much of an uphill battle this is going to be as he is a whole person and his physical issues directly and indirectly impact his behavioral issues, so if you can't open your mind enough to see that the two are related, then NO you do NOT understand his physical issues completely!)

Maybe it was a mistake to stay here.  Maybe it was a mistake to try to mainstream Josiah in Kindergarten--academically he is totally getting the work they are doing--reading sight words, understanding basic concepts, knowing his letters and numbers and the sounds the letters make.  But they have focused so much on writing, and he can NOT write anywhere near to the degree that the other kids can--and it is NOT for lack of trying.  He tries so hard at home to write, and we do hand over hand, and he WANTS to write, but his CP and the very delayed gross and fine motor development that is required for writing creates a huge obstacle for him.  I have spent so much time over the past three weeks analyzing, studying and trying to figure out how best to help Josiah and to give suggestions on what they can do to help him adjust that I feel like my brain is going to explode, if my heart does not first.  Yes his behavior is way over the top, much worse than I ever expected--so either I totally was not paying attention to what Prospect told me (though they were completely confident that he would shine in a mainstream environment if he had a 1:1 aide to support him (both for physical and behavioral stuff), so I don't think I missed anything), or Prospect completely downplayed or did not consider his behaviors to be so over the top, aside from the three that are addressed in the IEP.  OR, that the classroom spent so much time focusing only on his physical issues, that they completely neglected to consider his behavioral issues and how to deal with them at a level that he is able to comprehend and manage.  Square peg----round hole-----square peg-----round hole

"behavior is not my strong point..."  said by the Spec Ed teacher whom I love and who has always been good with the people that I love that are behaviorally challenged--she worked well with my brother, my nephew, and my older son Gonzo.  And yet for some reason Josiah...who has always been far easier to deal with than any of the other three boys I mentioned, has challenged her.  I just do not understand what is going on with him, what a night mare this is turning into....

I have also been trying to find a larger place to live, preferable a single family house, and there is just SOOOO little around here for rent.  With the refund check I finally got, I thought it would be such a great thing to pay off some bills and then set myself up with living expenses paid for a few months while I build up either my babysitting or my writing into an income that can take over when the refund cushion is depleted.  But I am just running into walls.  The couple of places I have found that  would allow the kids to have separate bedrooms (more on another day on why that is becoming a necessity more than a want) do not want me to be doing childcare, even when I assured them that I would be buying renters insurance and a liability insurance that covers childcare providers.  Then I have to wonder, if they don ot want me to be caring for 3-4 children during the day, why would they rent to someone who has two kids of their own.  It's not like there are going to be 20 kids there or anything.  So I have one more feeler out there about a house that is technically for sale, but has been empty and on the market for over 2 years, and maybe they will be interested in renting it to me.  So it is kind of a cold call, but we will see.

However if things do not start turning around for Josiah soon, if he does not get a handle on how he expresses his frustration and get some self control and start following the rules more, I am thinking we may not be living here all that much longer anyway.  I won't move Gonzo from his school program at this point though, so unless I can be assured that he would be able to stay in the program he is in, I do not know how we could move even if they move Josiah to a different program.  But it does not make sense to stay if neither of my children can attend the local school.  I may be jumping the gun, but frankly, I was blindsided by all these problems, and they are so reminiscent of Gonzo's steps into Kindergarten, where in the end we got a call from someone we knew who was subbing there who witness him being mistreated, and later confirmed that from other people who worked there, but NO ONE would come forward against that teacher when we asked if we could put their name a the source of the information.  So we had to file a lame report with the school about what we were told, and took G out to home school him the rest of Kindergarten.  I do NOT want Josiah going through anything like Gonzo did, and while I know we are in a totally different setting, totally different region, and totally different set of circumstances, I still feel a bit gun shy.  I am beginning to hate kindergarten for kids with special needs.  Even the second time around, it is still such a shock to go from a preschool where the child is cherished and their education was more individual in nature to the grand demon of public school where the individual is not cherished or upheld, and everyone has to be crammed into very specific parameters.  Not all teachers are like that, I have met and am friends with many who are not like that, but alas none of them live anywhere close to here.  And given how Josiah has been acting, I doubt they would find him much of a  picnic in their classrooms. 

Honestly, underneath all of this other stuff that I write about, I feel helpless. To the point that my insomnia is making a comeback and I find myself close to tears way more often that I ever let anyone know. I hate feeling helpless--and it comes out as anger and incredulity, frustration and God knows what else, but deep down, the real problem for me is that I see my child struggling, in a sea of strangers who he does not know or trust and who do not know or like him, and there is nothing that I can really do about it.  I can talk until i am blue in the face, give suggestions and pointers and try to understand what they are going through and try to help them understand what he might be going through....but in the end all I feel is helpless, unable to give my son the great and wonderful experience that Kindergarten is supposed to be.  I don't know what to do...I don't know what the right thing to do is....I don't know what path I am on, what path I have set my children on, and I feel so incredibly alone....

Blood draws, X-rays, and brethalyzers...oh my!

So today was Gonzo's appointment with the endocrinologist.  I had forewarned him that he may have to have blood taken for testing.  his response was "all of it?!?!  How will I stand up!?!" to which I assured him that they only take a little bit and that his body will be able to make more.  So he was a little freaked out going into the appointment.  The endocrinologist was very personable, and if we end up needing to continue with her, I think it will be a good match.  Having doctors that you feel comfortable is imperative to proper health care.  I am hoping all of the tests come out fine and we don't have any more treatment needed, but at least it is good to know that you like the specialist.  So after the appointment, the doctor felt that testing was warranted, so Gonz DID have to have his blood drawn and she wanted an bone age density test done, which is an x-ray.  So as usually, anything having to do with needles is difficult for Gonz, so it was myself plus two nurses who needed to hang on to him and get the blood draw.  Poor little guy was just in such a panic.  But he is a trooper and came out okay.  He was still asking if his body will make more blood, and I reassured him that it was already making more to replace the little bit they took to test. 

After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand.  He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it.  I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state.  It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins).  We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep. 

So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot.  After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos.  We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?

Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit.  I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it.  Then A came over after getting back from work.  And A had a ticket for no seat belt.  A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers).  A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it.  A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out.  So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it).  A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed.  And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt.  But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor?  Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking).  Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.

But I am going out of my skull with A.  Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way.  And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot.  About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house.  (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well).  And the tirade continued and continued.  Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING.  I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said.  Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use.  Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around.  Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop.  A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive".  Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be.  To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A"  and how horrible we are for it.  I am sick of it.

The way it started tonight was this:  A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage.  And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together.  A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice.  So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to  think okay means A?!?  She is doing okay for the circumstances!"  To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down.  You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight.  I am not going to respond."  and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap.  (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.)  Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting.  But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse.  I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused.  So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes.  I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids.  IT upsets them as  much as it upsets us.  We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.

Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started.  I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect.  I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings.  We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes.  Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright.  I need A out of my house.  I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here).   I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon.  I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation.  Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive.  I am not beating around the bush.  And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person.  But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person.  I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again.  I wish A had never moved back up here in January.  Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe.  I want to be able to breathe again..

The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines.  I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away.  Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring.  But would I still be me if I did that?  Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with.  I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving?  What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent?  What kind of example would that be setting for them?  And what kind of example am I setting for them now?  In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery.  But it is never that easy is it....

Summer Break...Finally

Well,  one of the interesting thing about raising children with special needs, is that sometimes they have extra things, like six weeks of summer school to keep them on track academically, behaviorally, and with their therapies.  Which means a much shorter summer break for them.  Friday was their last day of school, and on Sunday we headed out to visit A's family.  A's sister recently bought a cottage on the shores of Lake Ontario.  We did see it soon after they bought it, but they were in the process of giving it a lot of the TLC it needed, so it was in disarray and under construction projects to repair and rehab it.  Now it is mostly done (the bathroom is in rehab still, but functional) and we spend Sunday night out there.  I have never spent any time at the Great Lakes, but wow is it similar to the ocean in sound.  The cottage is on a rocky shore, so the waves lapping the rocks reminded me (in sound) to one of my all time favorite places in the world--Bass Rocks in Gloucester, MA. 

Though the waves are smaller, they were still impressive for a lake, a lake you can not see the other side of.  It was beautiful.  However it was a rainy weekend, and the storms from Sunday had the lake very choppy, so it was not really safe to take a swim at such a rocky shore, so the kids did not get to go with with their life jackets.  But we did go down the steps and put our feet in the water sitting on the rocks, we got splashed quite a bit too as the waves sent up a lot of spray.  The kids (and we) enjoyed the deck area overlooking the lake, and some of the waves were big enough to splash us even up there.  hat night, with the windows open, we could clearly listen to the waves, and it was wonderful.  As many similarities as there are to the ocean front, there are as many differences.  It smelled like a lake, and felt like a lake.  As absolutely beautiful as it is, it made me long for my great love--the North Atlantic. 

I found myself longing for the smell of the sea, the call of the gulls, and the "feel" of the ocean.  I miss the ocean, and have for the past 11 1/2 years, as I have only visited.  Even when I lived in Florida, it was the Gulf of Mexico, and though I loved snorkeling and swimming in that warm salty water, I loved even more the idea that the water I was in would eventually reach the North Atlantic, so I felt connected, even in that warm Gulf to the cold shores so many miles away.  I had hoped to take the kids camping this summer out on the North Shore, but alas it appears funds may be inadequate to do that.  Winter is approaching, and my primary source of income has ended.  Summer is winding down (and we are finally in a 3 week of vacation time), and so the window of opportunity is closing.  We have soem other daystuff planned, and may camp out on my Dad's property for a couple of days.  Had my IRS refund come in time, that little inexpensive vacation to Massachusettes would have been one of the things on the list that the refund would go to.  But with this darn audit review, only God know when they will release my refund.

The kids did have fun, and we got to see the baby's (both of A's niece's have little ones now).  We also got to celebrate some of the August birthdays as in addition to Josiah, A's niece S and her daughter M (who is celebrating her 1st birthday!!) are also in August.  So we did a combined birthday cook out at the cottage and had salt potatoes, corn on the cob, hot dogs and hamburgers, and of course cake.  Then Josiah opened a bunch of present from A's family, and we gave our gifts to the others. We finally got to actually meet A's other niece's little son, who is a couple of months old.  He is a beautiful baby.  A said it feels weird to have a new generation starting in the family. I imagine it does, but since A is nearer to my parents age than to mine, it makes sense that they would have the next generation coming up.  Overall it was a very nice visit.  I originally asked A to go without me, but a is nervous about the new job which is starting today, and so did not think that with that stress, could handle the boys alone all weekend in that trip.  So I went too.  It was good to see A's family, though they seem to be under the impression that we are still together, or at least just barely separated.  Perhaps most people think that, as I suppose we appear to be that way, it is hard to let go, and it is hard to find the balance that allow a friendship without being an enabler.  I think we are getting closer, and that it is finally understood between the two of us that friendship is our aim, not reconciliation.

A started the new job today.  I am an optimistic person, but with so many job losses over the past couple of years, it is hard to think that maybe, just maybe, this job will be here to stay and A can get an apartment, move out of my father's house, and actually begin to be self-supporting, have time alone with the kids without me arranging it, and be able to rebuild a life.  We can all hope and pray.  Especially since I am seriously considering moving in with my father as finding a source of income (i.e. a job that works with my children's special needs or enough income generating from writing, blogging, and online clicks/sales) is proving to take a great deal longer than I expected or can really plan for.  The economy is making this harder than expected.  So the possibility of moving in with my father (who has a 5 bedroom house and heats with wood, and only he and my brother live there usually, so there are extra rooms) is a distinct possibility--as long as A moves out (the old "I'll only be there for a month, two tops" thing A said back in January is a little crazy given that it is nearly 8 months...).  But that is just where we are...things to think about...

Interesting thinking and planning

Josiah was so excited about his birthday.  He is such an amazing little guy.  He is happy to be five years old, he is a big boy now! 

It has been an interesting couple of days aside from his birthday.  A was over (nothing new there, I really hope this job works out and A gets an apartment, and I can have my life back a little more).  A talked to the "first love" from high school.  That first love, who broke A's heart 30 years ago, talked with A about some of the issues that she dealt with back then.  And A finally gets why I say that when I drinks, i makes me fearful.  Finally someone else confirmed to A that A DOES throw things in my direction when angry (which I have told A many times and A has denied doing).  A finally is accepting that aggression, anger, and then depression are trademarks of what happens when A drinks.  A's first love is recently in recovery and was encouraging A to get into recovery.  A is down to 4 beers a day in an effort to quit drinking before the new job starts next week, which is a good idea.  The joys of detox are not fun, so I have a feeling A will be grumpy (and shaky) the next few days.  This is the third day of only 4 beers, and A was not shaking last night.  Now to drop down to 2-3 beers a day for a couple of days, and so on.  So hopefully A will be successful in moving forward.  A is excited about this prospect and so am I.  I know that A can do it, and can make choices that will lead to a good, healthy life.  A just needs to believe it, and to have the self worth to accept it.

Speaking of healthy lives, I have been doing what I do best--studying and researching (yes with some documentaries like "Fat Head" and books and research papers) a wide array of ideas and perspectives on health (implementing knowledge is my problem, I have a great deal of ability to amass knowledge, its the actual using of that knowledge that I seem to be slow on).  Anyway,  I have been compiling a list of things that I would like to implement for MY life to increase my overall health, most of which I have been working on transiting to, though keeping specific activities up for a long enough period to truly replace bad habits with good has been a challenge, as it is so easy to slip back into bad, long standing habits.  But I have been returning again and again to new habits, and each day, it is a little easier, and I know that each time I make a good choice rather than a bad choice, my life is moving in a good direction, a positive direction.

So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 150 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 90 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g of saturated veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to less than 3 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...

seeking for calm...

So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault.  As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen.  It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith.  It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness.   But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery. 

Hopefully things have calmed down some today.  I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation.  It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?). 

Stress increases my desire to eat.  Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream).  So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good.  BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280.  Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.

The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us.  This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school.  Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright.  Gonzo has too.  So for this I am grateful.  I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions.  And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too.  I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see.  So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like

"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry.  Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been.  We still both love you and we are still both here for you.  And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can.  So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy.  Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now.  And things will get better very soon."

Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but  I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard).  But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.

Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend.  I'll probably write again on Monday.  Have a great weekend.

Truth may set you free, but it can be very painful...

It is said that "the truth will set you free", and even though it took me a long time to really accept the truth, and I knew immediately that I had to speak the truth even if it seemed abrupt and "out of the blue", I knew that living with the truth unspoken once realized would be wrong.  But free or not, truth sometimes makes life a lot more painful and a LOT more stressful for a while--I suppose its the adjustment period after have a profound deep realization of a truth. I can't live a lie and I will not give false hope to anyone when I know the truth, so that they too can move forward.
You may be wondering what I am talking about...well in my earlier post form earlier this week I spoke of the realization that I had that I am no longer in love with my separated spouse.  We have been separated for almost 15 months now, but I left for a multitude of reasons, and not being "in love" was not one of them.  Throughout this whole ordeal (beginning in 2008, about 20 months before I left) I have felt a lot of emotions that have gotten in the way of that "in love" emotive suite, but always knew that deep down underneath--below the pain and anger, the resentment and powerlessness, the worry and incredulity--that there was still that spark, still the yearning to be together, to rekindle the flame of love, to be in a spousal relationship, to know that after all that we have gone through both together and apart, that there is still that connection that drew us together into a relationship deeper and more profound than friendship.  Even as I spent time saying there was no chance we could get back together, I could never bring myself to say with certainty that there was no chance, because I believed that underneath my anger and pain, that the spark was still there. 

A few months ago it had gotten back to me that someone had said I was leading A along with false hope (even though I had explicitly said I did NOT want to get back together).  A part of me still held out a little bit of hope that things would come full circle and we could rebuild (or rather build anew) our full family structure together.  As I was not sure how long that would take, we really have been focusing on building a solid, secure friendship in which we bring mutual respect and care to that table as we co-parent our children while not together.  IT has been a good experience.  We have been able to enjoy each other's company, spend time together as a family, and have good conversation.  We really have been successful in building a friendship.  And A has the freedom to drink, spend money, make decisions, and do whatever without me interfering.  AND I have the freedom to NOT stress about A's drinking (which has been in moderation lately--a new and exciting step for A--which I can celebrate rather than get angry at), and to make my own choices, and live my own life too.  Things that have annoyed or bothered me, I can just ignore and let go.  I am not living with A, I am not "with" A, and so choices that I would not want for MY life, can just be let go because A's life is not my life.  This has greatly reduced tension between us.  I know what I can and cannot live with and A knows what A can and cannot live with.  And living separately, we don't end up forcing the other person to live in a situation that is unsafe or unacceptable for them.  I don't nag A and try to control A's life (though somehow I am still doing all the laundry (A's included) and making sure the car insurance is up to date even though my name is no longer on it).  And A can drink and do whatever A wants without worrying about someone harping on it.  There is obviously a lot more than that, but why go into it all.  Suffice to say, it is better to be friends with A and live our separate lives, than to be together and both be miserable and feel unsafe and disrespected in our daily lives. 

But over the past few weeks, I have really been looking at what it would be like to try to get back together with A.  A part of me hates the idea of our family being separated forever.  I WANT that old feeling of being excited that A is coming home.  I WANT that feeling or wanting to be close and be a together family again.  I WANT to look at our wedding album and read the song my mom wrote for us or the plaque my friend Nykie made for us, and be able to say "we made it through that huge crater in the road".  I WANT to wake up and have my spouse sleeping next to me.  I WANT to have a home where we both are and the kids can just have one place to lay their heads (technically they do now as A comes to my house to see the kids, but that's another thing).  I WANT to be able to plan for the future as a family and be able to discuss all of those decisions that you have to make in life.  I WANT to have a partner to walk through life with, to share the big things and the little things, to support each other through both good and bad times.  I WANT the Charles and Caroline Ingalls kind of love, respect, and devotion.  I want the Cliff and Claire Huxtable kind of humor-filled, love-filled, respect filled home.  I want to be that family that through thick and thin, no matter what, that pulls together, works together, and has the love and respect for each other that keeps them together for 50 years.  I WANT to do the hard work that really making a marriage last takes. I WANT an equal partner that brings half of the strength, joy, and ideas, and carries half of the burden of building, and maintaining, the needs of the family, and of the relationship. I WANT to have that spark that never dies even in the most trying times.

I also WANT to win a million dollars.  I WANT to go back to school and finish my PhD someday.  I WANT to have a nice house in the country.  I WANT my children to be healthy and free of their special needs.  I WANT to have a bunch of chickens.  I WANT to have a thin and healthy body.  I WANT to have a mini-van.  I WANT to have a dog that does not bring home fleas.  I WANT to always have enough.  I WANT to live to be 97.  I WANT to have the US economy fixed overnight.  I WANT to a world without war.  I WANT a lot of different things--some of which I can take steps and actions towards making them real in my life, and some of which I have no real control over.  In order for a relationship to be what I envision, I need to have someone on the other end of the relationship sharing that vision and working towards it as I work towards it.  That is one of those things about relationship, both people have to be moving in relatively the same direction with relatively the same goal, and with comparable levels of motivation and determination.  Unlike some other goals, relationship is the only one that absolutely requires the other person to be on the same page.

The other night A and I tried to get share something we have not shared since before our separation.  I was up half the night after that with this sense that something was terribly wrong.  We had been getting along really well.  We had been talking about building this camping area t my Dad's together, we had been doing a lot of family things together, we had been talking about how not having to stress about certain issues that were difficult in the past was great, and we seemed to be moving forward in some ways.  Yes there were things there are obviously still not right, and there was no way that we are in a place that we would want to be together again as a couple yet, but things were calm and enjoyable between us.  We have both changed in a lot of ways, and are kind of relearning who we are for ourselves and who each other are (poor grammatical syntax, I know).  But after I spent a lot of time looking deeply at what I was feeling and thinking, that it finally dawned on me what was missing, what was wrong.  That spark that I figured was just buried under all the hurt and anger and resentment, that spark that is really necessary to provide the motivation to do the monumental amount of hard work to rebuild a broken and painful relationship, that spark that makes you want to do whatever it takes to find the path back...that spark for me was gone.   IT was not just buried, it was not just crushed under all the crap that we had piled on top of it, it was not just flickering and needing fuel, it was gone.  I was not "in love" with A.  I was not attracted to A.  The desire to work towards what I WANT was that I WANT the idea.  But an idea can not sustain you.  "OMG" I thought,"I really have been leading A on and giving false hope. "  I have been lying to myself, I don't know for how long, but at least for a while.  I have been telling myself that if I just worked hard enough to overcome my anger, my resentment, my pain at what has transpired, that we could make it work.  But I have no desire to be in a marriage that has not got that deep sense of love, of attraction, of one-ness.  And I have no intention of hiding my lack of feelings and letting A not move on to have the option of finding someone who is passionate about A. 

Do I love A?  Yes, of course.  A is the other parent of my children, and has been becoming a good friend.  I do have love in my heart for A, and hope that we can remain friends and remain able to continue to be good parents to our children.  But I don't want to be with A, I don't want to be A's spouse.  Through this whole thing, I have felt "I don't want to be with A right now"  and had a laundry list of reasons why (some very good that anyone would understand and some nit-picky that only I would understand).  But I always figured it was temporary.  I realized the other day.  That I don't want to be with A.  Not in a "right now" sense, but in a "that's that" kind of sense. 

I felt it was necessary to share this with A, and did not do a very good job of it.  I don't want A to NOT move on emotionally.  I want A to make that informed choice.  I know that A still has that spark for me (even though I have heard "I hate you" out of A's mouth more often than I care to count over the past 3 years).  I know that A wants to be with me.  But we have both changed, and there are so many things that I am NOT willing to live with and that I will NOT have my children having to live with (some of which A agrees with me on, especially about the kids), that are still such a big part of who A is at the moment.  And without that internal, driving emotive suite of feelings and reasons of WANTING to be with A, it seems futile and pointless for us to put our lives on hold any longer when I really, honestly and truly am done.

I am having a hard time trying to explain to A, heck I am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself in a way that makes the words make any sense.  How do I explain the finality of the emotions that I am having verses the slight hope that used to be there.  How can I say for certain that a spark could never grow again?  How could i say that there really is no hope?  I have used all of the words before that I use now, but it is what is behind them that is so different.  Words are such a horribly limited way to communicate...to express the subtle differences that truly make a huge difference.  I can't even find the words to explain it myself to my self, it is a knowing more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than anything easily subjective.  It is a knowing.....

life in Transition for sure

Okay, so I have not written much in the past week.  It has been an interesting one.  I had a dr's appointment on Friday to go over blood work that I had done over a week before that.  And the results nearly knocked me on the floor.

My A1c results (the test that gives an average of your blood sugar levels over the past three months by measuring the percentage of glycalation of your hemoglobin (how much glucose is attached to the hemoglobin)) were extremely high.  11.2% to be exact.  Normal is around 5-6%, typical for someone with diabetes is around 7%, high is 8-9%.  That correlates to a blood sugar reading of around 310 on average over the last 3 months, and my fasting sugar that day was 279 (normal is fasting is below 100, normal random throughout the day is below 140, diabetics should aim for below 180).  overly high blood sugar is over 240, and levels over 300 are considered very dangerous.  So I have been walking around with my blood sugar levels in the extremely high and dangerous range for a while, and I did not even know it.  The last time I had an A1c and other blood work, my A1c was 7.1% and everything else was fine other than slightly elevated triglycerides.  that was in February 2010.

Since that time my marriage had fallen apart, I walked away from a great opportunity in Rhode Island due to the afore mentioned collapse of the family, I have moved into an apartment and taken a job that I drive over 100 every day 5 days a week (for over a year, though only 3 weeks left until it is over with), I have gone through the custody process in the courts and have physical custody of my kids (with shared legal custody), I have allowed A (even though we are separated) back into our lives on a daily basis, and have been rebuilding a friendship (though not without a lot of difficulty and baggage), and I have been trying to make plans for the future with a lot of uncertainty.  So some parts of my life are less stressful (my marriage was extremely stressful and the ending of that brought different stresses, but overall less stress) and some parts are more stressful (the fact that my primary source of income ends in a couple of weeks and the fact that I do not know where my relationship with A is going at this point in time--in the past week it has been a lot of ups and downs and trying to figure out if we can or even should try to put the family together again).  I have been trying to get enough money incoming through freelance writing and through ads for things that I recommend on both my blog and my website, but I am not a sales person and don't want to be, so I post links to things I like and hope that others will click those links and bring in a few pennies for me.  Literally, I have made $0.02 total through the ads that I share for things that I think my readers would like.  So, as I have no desire to try to push people to look at things that they are not inclined to look at on their own, I don't think I will supplement my income much by my website or blog.  Which is fine, I will still post links to cool things and books that I like and think others are interested in, but I know that I can not depend on it for any supplementing of my income. I have applied for a number of jobs, but they have not panned out so far.  And taking a low paying job is not a viable option as I would have to pay out more in childcare costs than I could bring in, even if I broke even it would not change the situation.  Having two children with moderate to severe special needs, means that I can not hire the high school kid down the street or even most adults to watch them.  As it is, even family struggles to watch both of them together for short periods of time.  Heck, even A struggles to have both of them alone for more than a couple of hours at a time.  Because their needs are so different and both are intensive (I forget sometimes because I am just used to them), and because the sibling rivalry between them adds whole other layer of intensity, the best solutions would be to hire two different sitters, one trained to meet each other this needs, and possibly have one cared for at home and the other cared for at the sitters home.  As J is an insurance liability (which I learned the last time I tried to work full time and put him in a day care center) finding care for him is very hard, and G has massive behavioural issues with peers which make it difficult for him to be in a group setting (hence the fact that he is in an 8:1:2 self-contained classroom and still needs a 1:1 aide just to go to school (8 kids, one teacher, two aides 8:1:2) and free time (unstructured without clear instructions for what he should do--like recess and lunch) are his hardest times of all.  It makes me miss Becky, our favorite babysitter from when we lived in our house.  She was a Masters student a the college, studying special ed--focusing a lot on autism and she herself had cerebral palsy--so she understood and knew how to handle both boys very well.  But alas she graduated and is a great teacher in an autism classroom now about 2 1/2 hours away (from here and from our old house), and we left our old house to renters (who paid one month rent and then lived rent free for over 6 months before I was able to evict them, and they trashed the house in the process, knowing that if they did not pays rent we could not pay the mortgage, and by trashing it, made it impossible to rent to someone else was we did not have the funds to repair the extent of damage they did--so it is in foreclosure proceedings sadly). 

Anyway, back to my lab results.  Stress is one of the primary causes leading to high blood sugar.  Being overweight puts a great deal of stress on the body, and them adding emotional and financial stress, pushed the body beyond what it can handle.  So as the past few years have been fraught with high, high levels of stress, and the past year in particular has been stressful.  Coupled with being overweight since my teens and not watching what I eat or exercising enough when things get stressful (being a stress eater--the more stressed I am the more I eat...) well, it has not boded well for my health.  So I as mentioned before, I watched that movie "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" recently and felt inspired to get more fresh vegetable food into my diet, and have started drinking green smoothies.  As a diabetic I can not do the juicing.  Maybe once my blood sugar levels are normal, then I plan on doing a juice fast as portrayed, but until them, I can still do the smoothies and add lots of nutritious vegetables to my body in a drinkable way.  But when I saw it originally, I could identify with the FAT part of the title, but the sick and nearly dead parts of the title I just wasn't feeling.  However when I got my blood test results:
A1c 11.2%
Cholesterol 218 (a little high, but as I have NEVER had cholesterol issues it is shocking to me)
LDL-144 (too high)
HDL-40 (too low)
Triglycerides 184 (too high)
and 2 of my liver enzymes were just slightly past the top of the high range.
My blood pressure, heart rate, and all my kidney and other tests were fine.

When I saw the results, I suddenly identified with the WHOLE title of that Movie.  Thought, Oh my gosh, now I know what it feels like to feel "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (well okay that one is an exaggeration, but I could actually see the path leading to that, which is as far as I want to go).

So, I was more than willing to go on pharmaceuticals in addition to making some immediate changes in my lifestyle and eating.  So on Saturday I started on Metformin 500mg 2x daily, and enapril once a day (to protect the kidneys as with that much sugar running through them can cause a lot of damage).  I began tracking my foods in Spark People again.  And am taking my blood sugar readings twice a day.  The big thing is getting it below 300 and keeping it below 300 (that is step one, getting it below 240 is step two, and then getting it below 200 is step three, after that pushing it down to normal ranges is the ultimate goal, but transitions--quick transitions as this is what I consider an emergency situation). I was told not to check my fasting sugar as we already know it is really high.  What I need to do it to check my sugar 1-2 hours after a meal and keep track of what pushes my sugar up and what brings it down, as each person is different, and your body reacts differently at different time of day, so over the next three months, I need to closely record my food intake, glucose levels, and activities to determine what food I can have when and what ones I need to avoid and when. I have my basic dietary guidelines from the diabetes educator, and my doctor told me to try eating a healthy cereal with milk in the morning rather than my typical sausage eggs and cheese sandwich.  I forgot to check my levels Saturday. 

Sunday I had a bowl of Special K cereal with milk.  Two hours later I checked my sugar and it was 380!!!!.  For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on WW bread.  For a snack I had a green smoothie. For dinner we had a hamburger cooked on the grill (with a WW bun), some vegetarian baked beans, a couple of chips (I know I should not have), and a hot dog (no bun).  I went for a nearly two hour hike around my Dad's property, with my Dad, A, Gonz, and Jos (mainly carried Jos either on my shoulders or just a front carry (he can't do a side carry on the hip as his hips do not open far enough).  We were looking for a place for me to build a lean-to, which the building guy at the town clerks office said I did not need a permit for and told me the zoning distances I needed to stay within.  I want a nice camping place for me and the kids that we can tailor to Josiah's physical needs and to Gonzo's need for clear boundaries.  As much as we loved going down to Garnet Lake and tent camping, there were some things (like massive hills and very uneven rocky paths to get to the camp site, not to mention a road between the campsite and the lake) that made it difficult for us.  So we got quite a bit of exercise that day.

I did not get around to checking my blood sugar again until late evening and it was still at 345.  So I had two hard boiled eggs as a snack (high protein no carbs) and started to look for ways to quickly lower blood sugar, and did some of the water drinking and breathing exercises (breathing helps relax your body which reduces stress and thus allows blood sugar to function more normally).  Before I went to bed 45 minutes later, my sugar was down to 295--yeah breathing and water.  So Monday, having learned that too many carbs for breakfast was a BAD thing for my body, I ate sausage, egg , and cheese but only used the thin half of an english muffin, and had coffee with just cream, no sugar or sweetener, and just water.  Then I went for my 45 minute walk around the pond.  When I got to the library, I checked my blood sugar (1.5 hours after finishing breakfast) and it was 193!!!  A HUGE drop.  Protein works for me in the morning.  I had sliced turkey for lunch (no bread) and a grapefruit. For snack after school I had bought a coconut as Josiah has been wanting a coconut for some reason, so we had a coconut for snack.  IT was from a discount food place, and old, and not as tasty as I remember fresh coconut being.  So not a good intro for him to fresh coconut that we had to break the shell to get.  But that was my snack.  Dinner was a stir fry with broccoli, cabbage, yellow squash, carrots, celery, onion, garlic, and black beans with spices and vinegar.  Then I did a boo-boo, I ate a piece of Digorno's pizza that A had picked up for the kids.  I really should not have as it pushed my carbs over what they were supposed to be for the day.  When I took my sugar after dinner though it was 262, so not great but under the 300 mark that I am aiming for this week.

Last night was an interesting night with A, which I will not go into on here, but it definitely added a lot for me to think about, that of course adds stress.  A part of me would love for our family to be together again, and I really would love to try and have a biological baby and go through pregnancy and care for a baby right from conception.  I love my kids, and always planned on having three kids total.  So it was always part of the plan, it was just that adoption ended up being the first path we took, as there are so many kids waiting for families.  But I still want to have one child from my own body.  Which with the fact that I am almost 37, am still very overweight (thus greatly increasing chance of miscarriage), and now with my sugar issues--makes that possibility even lower.  Add in the broken family and the idea that A and I might NOT be able to reform a family, well, it is a hard thing to let go of.  I know that our relationship has not been healthy, and that A is not that much different now than 3 years ago, which is when A had picked up the bottle again, and has not put it down.  I actually had a couple of drinks with A for the first time over the past week--Mike' Hard Lemonade.  That was nice, but weird.  As I don't drink often, but every once in a while will have a glass of while or a margarita, or a Mike's Lemonade (seems popular in my family these days), I have never had a drink with A.  A was in recovery when we met, and one of the things we did was no alcohol in the house.  I had no problem with that as a six pack of my favorite beer (I am very picky, as gross beer is just, well, gross) would take me a year to drink.  I know that from a time before A when my best friend had brought me a six pack of my favorite beer (which I had trouble finding when I moved from that area) and it was nearly a year later when I had the last one with my brother in law.  So, yeah, having a drink with A was weird, as for so long A tried to hide (unsuccessfully) the relapse in 2008, and then after my mother in law died, just crawled back into the bottle in 2009, and then after detox, and when I thought we were moving forward went back into the lying and hiding mode of drinking in 2010, which was when I decided I couldn't live that way any longer (lots more went on of course, but that is a bit of a nutshell pertinent to todays post, see a much earlier post for more explanation (from mid-March)). Lately A has been more moderate in drinking, a few beers a day or so.  And behaving mostly.  So when offered a Mike's I said Okay.  but that actually, after typing it all out, really is a side bar that does not have much to do with what I was talking about, so I suppose I did not need to include it.  I'll leave it anyway.

Point is, no matter how stressful life is, I need to make changes NOW to ensure a better future.  More than ever before, I know I need to make some major changes, one of which has got to be in my eating/exercise habits.  The other biggie has got to be in my levels of stress.  Perhaps, after really realizing last night that while I love A, A is the other parent of my children, I am not IN LOVE with A, at all.  I have said it for a while, but a part of me always just thought that I was still in love, that that spark was still there somewhere, that it was something that maybe could be rekindled and we could overcome all of the crap that has happened over the past few years.  But the spark has gone out, and that actually makes me quite sad.  And it's not like A's behavior and daily living has altered in a away that makes me want to try to light a new spark.  There has been little transformation on that end, and I want a partner not another child, but with A I feel like I have another child rather than an equal adult partner in my life.  And that has not changed.  Most of the things that I did not like about A are still there, and only a few of the things that I fell in love with in the first place have survived the events of the past few years.  Sure, maybe someday A will turn around, maybe someday the person I met will return, or a transformed person will emerge.  But maybe not.  It took my mother over 10 years to really recover from the death of her mother (and her daughter, grandmother and father--all in a 5 year period).  And as my father says, when you lose a parent or a child, or anyone you love, you don't get over it.  It leaves a hole in your heart.  You just have to learn how to live with that hole.  It is what I have called finding a new normal.  Anytime there is a major life event (birth/adoption, death, loss of job, new job, moving, etc...) it takes time to find a new normal.  I almost had found a new normal last fall before A returned.  Now I feel like we are floundering around again.  Part of it is the uncertainty of the future, most poignantly the uncertainty of income.  They boys disability subsidies will still come each month to help offset the inherent issues in raising children with special needs (like the inability to work full time), but it is not really enough to live on unless I move back into the trailer, which needs SO much work (even though we already put a lot of work into it), or to move in with my Dad, which has its own set of issues, not the least of which is the fact that A lives there and I am not really ready to live with A again.

So anyway, my life of transformation seems to have a lot of areas that need to be transformed....

Transitions....not instant flips....

While there is a part of me that would love to say that this past week has been filled with a diet of only whole, plant based food and that I am on top of the world, alas, I can not.  I have never really been one of those people that can grab an idea for habit change and immediately go on a fad diet and lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks and 60 pounds in 3 months.  Though, most of those people that I know who can do that, after the three months is over, gradually go back to their old habits and gain back all of the weight they lost plus some. 
So, this is more about who I am.  I am a slow changer.  Change does not scare me and I am not actually resistant to change (some people are, but I don't mind change).  I am however a creature of habit, and while not afraid of or resistant to change, I find that having the tools I need to get out of the well ingrained ruts is a challenge.  So, rather than beating myself up about the fact that last week I decided I was going to stop in my tracks and go green, whole foods all the way, and then not being able to do that, I am going to be more reasonable and hope that the current approach will work better for true lasting change.  So I am building ladders out of the ruts, instead of trying to springboard up the side of the ravine and tumbling back down. So I am adding good habits while decreasing bad habits, replacing them.  Jumping form a bad habit to a good habit does not work for me--it would be like asking a TV addict to just shut off the TV without giving them the tools to fill that time with something else.  So they would be sitting there staring at an empty screen, which would not bode well for being able to break the TV addiction.  SO I am shifting my consciousness, my subconscious, and my daily living habits from patterns that are not so good to patterns that are more life affirming.  I have been on a road to transformation for quite some time now and this is just another step, another transition is the very important process of a life in transformation.

My affair with green smoothies is becoming a real relationship now.  I am drinking one a day (and two on a couple of days) and I LOVE it.  I have more energy, my body feels freer, and my mind is clearer.  Getting plant based food--raw, whole, fresh green, red, yellow, orange food into me in good quantities on a daily basis has helped increase my overall sense of well being.  I have been starting my day off blending a nice green smoothie.  I have been experimenting some, like varying what greens, fruit and other veggies I put in and in what quantities.  My favorite two so far are:

KCA: (makes 1 1/2 to 2 smoothies)
1 handful of Kale (4-6 leaves)
1/4 Cantaloupe
1 apple
1/2 cucumber
2-3 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
7-14 grams Spirulina
1 tbs Flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water

KMC: (makes 2 1/2-3 smoothies)
2 handfuls Kale (8-12 leaves)
1 Mango
1 Cucumber
2 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
14 grams Spirulina
2 tbs flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8-12 oz water

My least favorite two were:
blended salad:
4 large romaine leaves
1 tomato
1 cucumber
1/2 green pepper
2 carrots (peeled)
1 tbs dressing
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(YUCK!!!!--better to just sit down and enjoy the salad which is very tasty, but blended into a drinkable form--shudder{{}})

KRC:
1 handful Kale leaves
4 Romaine leaves
1/4 cantaloupe
 2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1/4 pineapple
7 grams spirulina
1 tbs flax seed
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(it was palatable, but not enjoyable, and not something I want to repeat)

Over all, I have found that too much romaine lettuce is a bad choice--it is too bitter.  Though I have included 2 leaves with at least twice as much Kale and other ingredients and had a fine smoothie.  Pineapple is okay in some smoothies, but not in others.  I have only tried tomato twice and it was in both of the ones I did not like, so I am still unsure on tomato as a smoothie ingredient.  But they are yummy to just eat, so maybe I don't need to keep tyring.  Carrots are okay in certain combinations, but use just one, not two (unless they are small).  And apple and Kale and celery are a great combination--those three seem to be able to support a wide range of additional ingredients.  Mango and cantaloupe are two other base fruits that have worked REALLY well.  I am going to be sad when they are out of season and thus are cost prohibitive.  But for now, the sales are great and the fruit plentiful.

So now, you may be wondering if my kids have gotten on this kick--well not so much.  they like an all fruit smoothie--especially if I put a little ice cream in it for them.  I am being a mean mama and making them have a bit of spirulina in juice every day (like 1 gram spirulina in 2 oz juice) and take it like medicine, because the micro nutrient value is so important, and I want them to benefit for the great abundance of micro nutrients in spirulina (which is a natural blue green algae often eaten in the tropics--very nutritious and a taste that grows on you (I now LOVE it in my smoothie and feel its lack if I do not put it in).

BUT the smoothie is not the only thing that I have done to add whole plant based food to out diet as a more prominent contender in meals.  I am in the transition of considering vegetables a side dish to considering them the most vital part of the meal.  Twice this past week I made the best stir fry in the world--I made it first last Tuesday, and could not stop thinking about it the next couple of days, so I made it again on Friday before we went to the circus.
World's best Stir Fry:
1/2 large eggplant (cubed)
1/4 large head of cabbage (cubed or shredded)
1 small-medium zucchini (cubed)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into bites size slices (wide))
2 celery stalks (cut in bite sized chunks)
1 small head of broccoli (cut into bite sized trees)
1 clove fresh garlic, diced fine
1 tbs dried onion flakes (I did not have any fresh onion)
a shake of mixed herbs (oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme)
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1-2 tbs extra virgin oil
1 cup water (added as necessary)

I heated the oil on medium to medium-low heat for a few minutes, then added the diced garlic.  Let simmer for 1-2 minutes.  Add carrots and coat evenly (if you have fresh mushrooms, which sadly I did not, add them now too).  Let simmer with occasional stirring for 3-5 minutes, add onion flakes and other herbs/spices (if using whole onion add it right after the garlic) add egg plant, broccoli and zucchini. Coat evenly, add 1/4 cup of water or so.  simmer another 3-5 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Add remaining vegetables and 1/4 cup of water.  Mix and let simmer 3-5 minutes.  Add vinegar and 1/4 cup water and stir.  Let simmer for another 3-5 minutes.  Serve hot.

While that was cooking I sauteed some frozen scallops and shrimp in a little oil with garlic and taragon leaves and a dash of vinegar and a little water. 

I served both pans hot and without a major carb (the kids had been munching on crackers and M&M's so the need for a carb was not really there--Friday we did have brown rice with it for the kids, though I did not eat the rice). 

It was the most delectable stir fry I have had in a long time.  Just writing about it makes my mouth water.  Next time I will make sure I have both fresh onion and fresh mushrooms to make it even better.

As for other meals we had last week--well, Wednesday we had box macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and green beans.  Thursday we had pan fried talapia fish fillets (fried with just a touch of oil and some fresh garlic and taragon), brown rice, and salad.  Friday we had the stir fry and then ate a bunch of over prices junk food (cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, soda) at the circus.  Saturday can't remember what we had--I know there was corned beef hash and eggs for lunch, but I am drawing as total blank on dinner.  Wait, I remember!   A picked up some fresh shaved ham at the deli and we had ham sandwiches on whole wheat bread with American cheese lettuce and tomato, and potato chips and grapes on the side.  Sunday we had sausage, eggs and toast for lunch (the kids are fruit and ready to eat cereal breakfast eaters--habits from leaving the house on a one hour car ride to school each morning with a baggie of dry cereal, a baggie of grapes or berries or apple slices (if we have them), and spill proof cup of either milk or juice--so other breakfast foods become lunch specials).  For dinner we had chicken breast cooked on the grill, potatoes (cooked wrapped in foil in the charcoal) and salad.

Yesterday I woke up late and had to rush to get the kids to school.  We stressed out and did not have time to make a smoothie.  So did I make a good choice and go to the grocery store, NO.  Instead I want to McDonald's and got a Sausage mcMuffim with Egg meal.  Then grabbed a premade hot chicken sandwich from Stewarts for lunch with an apple.  Not the best choices.  For dinner we made burgers on the grill, and I used buns (which I rarely do), and had chips and salad and corn on the cob bought from a local farm stand. 

So as you can see, it is a slow transition.  I am including what I have been eating to let others know that they are not alone in the difficult trek from unhealth to health. 

My commitment is to add more healthy choices to my lifestyle, more whole foods, more raw veggies, more plant based food, and get away from refined and processed foods, grain and meat focused ways of eating.
I have been feeling the need fro more protein in the morning after my smoothie so I have added 1-2 hard boiled eggs as a mid-morning snack.  Lunch has been a chef salad (premade from Cumberland Farms if I did not get a chance to make it at home), and some seeds or sometimes some whole wheat crackers if I feel the need for it.  I have been drinking too much iced coffee with sugar, so I am going to cut the sugar out and maybe cut out the iced coffee eventually.  I love iced tea, which I drink black anyway, so that is an easy switch as long as I remember to make it the night before.  Of course, I am still drinking 8-12 cups of ice cold water every day.  And most days I walk 1-2 miles.

So, since I started this blog in March, there are already some good habits that are truly becoming ingrained habits.  And my life is still a life in transformation.  I had blood work taken last Friday, so I will be able to see kind of a baseline of where I am at the beginning of this trek into eating a more Nutrient Rich focus.  I have been spending time on Dr. Furhman's website and am going to be checking his book out of the library that details more about Nutrient dense foods.  "Eat to Live" By Joel Furhman, if anyone wants to join me in reading this book.  Hi site is really informative, and I saw him first on the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead"  which still just inspires me so much to changing my habits and living a better life.