LONG evening with A....too much to talk about but I do feel like I had really good self control and instead of getting defensive I just accepted that A feels what A feels, and our perceptions differ. But it is late, I spent some time reading "damn you auto correct" which is one of the funniest sites on earth, so i use it for a solid belly laughing pick me up when I need it.
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?
***WARNING: RANT BELOW******
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 10--It's only Wednesday, but i'm beat
It feels like it should be Friday. Why am I so tired this week. Perhaps it is my awesome immune system fighting off whatever the germ is that has J laid up (though he has done well today, rested a lot and still has a cough, butno fever, so I think he is ready to go back to school tomorrow). G though fell asleep AT SCHOOL for like an hour today. He has not shown signs of a cough or fever, but that is very odd of him, especially since he got a good nights sleep last night. He was looking mighty pale this evening--usually his skin tone is a light tan color, but tonight he was whiter than A is (and A is very pale Irish). So I asked A to come by in the morning again in case G needs to stay home, as I will be taking J to school tomorrow. Anyway, I have had a mild cough for about 5 days now, but no fever. So my body has been successfully fighting whatever it is. I think that is why I am so tired...
Anyway, my meals after getting home. Lets see. I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk for a mid afternoon snack. For dinner we had the corned beef, cabbage, and potato dinner that I had planned on cooking last week that never panned out. So I had corned beef, cabbage (lots of cabbage, I love cabbage), and potatoes with a large glass of water. And right now I am eating an evening snack of a 1/2 bowl of raisin bran with milk.
I will have more water before I go to bed, but thats it, I am done. Maybe I'll make a cup of herbal tea and watch a movie, it has been a long time since I watched a movie.... Sleep well all.
Anyway, my meals after getting home. Lets see. I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk for a mid afternoon snack. For dinner we had the corned beef, cabbage, and potato dinner that I had planned on cooking last week that never panned out. So I had corned beef, cabbage (lots of cabbage, I love cabbage), and potatoes with a large glass of water. And right now I am eating an evening snack of a 1/2 bowl of raisin bran with milk.
I will have more water before I go to bed, but thats it, I am done. Maybe I'll make a cup of herbal tea and watch a movie, it has been a long time since I watched a movie.... Sleep well all.
Day 10--reaching a new level of healing
I have been listening to a variety of philosophical and spiritual teaching lately on healing. While one of my goals is to lose weight, it is more of a sub-goal to the much larger goal of becoming healthy. And not just physically healthy, but spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, financially healthy, and socially healthy. There are so many aspects to the human life, and being healthy in all areas is truly the primary state I want my being to be in. So I was listening to someone I had never heard of before, named Jennifer McLean (I think that is how you spell it), and her work on body dialoging was very freeing, as it focuses in a meditative state on your body and helps you work through an area where you feel tense or stuck due to various issues from the past and present. It really was quite an eye-opening experience in how I view certain people in my life and how I can change my attitude and forgive myself for the things that I have done that have contributed to the bad situations in my life.
Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time. J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday. A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active. I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup.
Okay, before I have to get going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).
For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well. See you later...
Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time. J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday. A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active. I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup.
Okay, before I have to get going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).
For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well. See you later...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 9--Night is slipping by and so is my wakefulness
Okay, so tonight I am just going to mention what I ate, as that has been my promise to myself, and it is a promise I intend to honor. Usually I like to write more, because losing weight is not just about dropping pounds, it is about how you relate to your world, including food, and how your body uses it, in relation to your mental, emotional and spiritual states as well as your physical one. If weight were truly just about calories in and calories out, no one would be fat, because they would only eat what their body told them it needed. So, I blog about my life, my thoughts and my feelings. Usually. Tonight, I just honor my promise and then go hit the sack as I just spent 4 hours writing a short (450-550 word) article on Little League starting again around the country. Why it took me so long to find what I wanted and then write a coherent piece about it I will never know. For an $11 article, it sure took a lot of time. I hope I'm not coming down with whatever J and A have (A is sick too, was sent home from work early...). A went to the health center as the boss required, and was told it was contagious viral bronchitis. So, for J that means a lot of nebulizer treatments, rest, and fluids, and hopefully he will come through this without too much trouble.
Okay, so now I am rambling as usual--I already told breakfast thru lunch, so I will start with the afternoon. I had Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt for a snack at 4:30pm, then we had ziti for dinner. A had brought some Ginger Ale for J, so we all had a little with dinner (which I really should not do--its like drinking sugar). J decided not to have his fruit roll up so I ate that after they went to bed (I really am trying to work on this "don't throw food away" mindset that was drilled into me as a child). I also had some microwave popcorn, and then had a small piece of cake. Why I had the cake I don't know, I was not hungry for it, I did not actually enjoy it, and I am puzzled over the unconcious way that I got a piece of cake and ate 3/4 of it. When I search my brain, the only answer it gives me is "it was there". So, yup, a victory, I found another deeply ingrained brain pattern that is stalling my ability to attain complete health. So its time to write an EFT script and work on it. I promise i will write an article introducing EFT soon, as I know I have referred to it often in the blog and some of you are like "what the heck is EFT?". I have it on my list of articles for the week, so stay tuned.
Well, I am off to bed now. Why the little league article consumed my evening I am not sure, though actually it maybe was because I was also listening to a broadcast of Healing with The Masters, which is going on every Tuesday and Thursday night from March 8-May 26. I missed the actual broadcast but since I was signed up (for free) I have access to the taped version. I was listening to James Redfield talk tonight (author of the Celestine Prophecy, which I first read over 15 years ago, and reread about 5 years ago--GREAT book). If you are interested, check it out at http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/
Too much of an attempt to multitask I presume. No more audio programs when writing articles. Multitasking is one thing, but being mindful is often necessary as well, and writing about little league while listening to a spiritually enhancing audio file do not mesh well. Multitasking is best when done with similar tasks....
Okay, so now I am rambling as usual--I already told breakfast thru lunch, so I will start with the afternoon. I had Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt for a snack at 4:30pm, then we had ziti for dinner. A had brought some Ginger Ale for J, so we all had a little with dinner (which I really should not do--its like drinking sugar). J decided not to have his fruit roll up so I ate that after they went to bed (I really am trying to work on this "don't throw food away" mindset that was drilled into me as a child). I also had some microwave popcorn, and then had a small piece of cake. Why I had the cake I don't know, I was not hungry for it, I did not actually enjoy it, and I am puzzled over the unconcious way that I got a piece of cake and ate 3/4 of it. When I search my brain, the only answer it gives me is "it was there". So, yup, a victory, I found another deeply ingrained brain pattern that is stalling my ability to attain complete health. So its time to write an EFT script and work on it. I promise i will write an article introducing EFT soon, as I know I have referred to it often in the blog and some of you are like "what the heck is EFT?". I have it on my list of articles for the week, so stay tuned.
Well, I am off to bed now. Why the little league article consumed my evening I am not sure, though actually it maybe was because I was also listening to a broadcast of Healing with The Masters, which is going on every Tuesday and Thursday night from March 8-May 26. I missed the actual broadcast but since I was signed up (for free) I have access to the taped version. I was listening to James Redfield talk tonight (author of the Celestine Prophecy, which I first read over 15 years ago, and reread about 5 years ago--GREAT book). If you are interested, check it out at http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/
Too much of an attempt to multitask I presume. No more audio programs when writing articles. Multitasking is one thing, but being mindful is often necessary as well, and writing about little league while listening to a spiritually enhancing audio file do not mesh well. Multitasking is best when done with similar tasks....
Day 9--A day at home
Well, I am having one of those rare days at home. J is sick, he has a fever around 101.4 and his cough is not good, so he got his inhaler earlier when he woke up at 6:30 (or rather when I woke him up to get ready for school and discovered his cold turned into something more), and he had some juice and went back to sleep. My mother was roused from her bed this morning to come stay with J while I took G to school. I was back in time for her to only be a few minutes late for work. I would have had A come over, as J is A's son too, but alas my father's phone is shut off right now, so there was no way to reach A (boy do I miss living in an area where cell phones actually work at times like these). Anyway, J is still sleeping. I just replaced a cup of watered juice next to him as he drank most of what I gave him earlier--rest and fluids are what's needed, right. I think I will be keeping him home tomorrow, as the guidelines say he has to be fever free for 24 hours before returning, and also because fighting it seems to be taking all his energy, so he is going to need a day to recoup tomorrow. I am to the doctor's at 2:00pm today. Hopefully A will be here by them so one of us can go pick up G and the other can take J to the doctor, as the timing is bad.
Anyway, So I am home. I have been cleaning up the kitchen and working on some articles. J did wake up while Iwas writing this and I have changed his clothes, given him a neb treatment and some more watered juice, and he is laying in bed watching a movie.
I stopped at Stewart's after dropping G off at school this morning and grabbed a large coffee with half & half and a little sugar, an eggwich (egg, sausage, cheese on a hard roll), and a bottle of water, then headed home. So kind of a heavier breakfast. For lunch (as it is now after 12:00) I had a can of Light Beef PotRoast soup by Progresso with some crackers. And a cup of water.
J is NOT going to the doctor. A stopped in to get ready for work (long story, but A always gets ready for work here), and said they had changed the schedule and had to go in for 2pm instead of 3pm, and swapping days off from Tuesday to Thursday as they have someone else out. So since I have leave at 1:45 to get G, there is no one to take J to the doctor. I am not sure it would do any good, as I had been on the fence about it. Most likely what he has is a virus, and there is nothing they can do to speed up recovery, especially since he has a normal level fever and his cough has not been around for long. I just like to cover all my bases as with his CP and lung issues, sometimes illness works on his body differently than it does a typical kid. But I also hate taking him to the doctors office as there are a lot of germs and other illness there that he can be exposed to, as the CP and CLD already lower his immunity, going in already sick, he is likely to pick up ANYTHING he contacts. So it is probably for the best. The nebulizer treatment helps so I am just trying to find someone to come sit with him while I go pick up G. But if I have to bundle him up and put him in the car for a little ride, I think he will be okay.
Well, I should go, I have been intermittently working on this post for a few hours now, so it is time to publish it. Oh, I just talked to my sister and her kids are both sick with what appears to be the flu. At the place she works, many of the residents have come down with a Type A influenza (one not covered by this year's flu shot), and it has the same symptoms that her kids have and a number of other people in town have, and it sounds like what J has, so he may be out for a few days, as his cousin has had it since Friday and still has not gone back to school yet.
So---Yuck!
Anyway, So I am home. I have been cleaning up the kitchen and working on some articles. J did wake up while Iwas writing this and I have changed his clothes, given him a neb treatment and some more watered juice, and he is laying in bed watching a movie.
I stopped at Stewart's after dropping G off at school this morning and grabbed a large coffee with half & half and a little sugar, an eggwich (egg, sausage, cheese on a hard roll), and a bottle of water, then headed home. So kind of a heavier breakfast. For lunch (as it is now after 12:00) I had a can of Light Beef PotRoast soup by Progresso with some crackers. And a cup of water.
J is NOT going to the doctor. A stopped in to get ready for work (long story, but A always gets ready for work here), and said they had changed the schedule and had to go in for 2pm instead of 3pm, and swapping days off from Tuesday to Thursday as they have someone else out. So since I have leave at 1:45 to get G, there is no one to take J to the doctor. I am not sure it would do any good, as I had been on the fence about it. Most likely what he has is a virus, and there is nothing they can do to speed up recovery, especially since he has a normal level fever and his cough has not been around for long. I just like to cover all my bases as with his CP and lung issues, sometimes illness works on his body differently than it does a typical kid. But I also hate taking him to the doctors office as there are a lot of germs and other illness there that he can be exposed to, as the CP and CLD already lower his immunity, going in already sick, he is likely to pick up ANYTHING he contacts. So it is probably for the best. The nebulizer treatment helps so I am just trying to find someone to come sit with him while I go pick up G. But if I have to bundle him up and put him in the car for a little ride, I think he will be okay.
Well, I should go, I have been intermittently working on this post for a few hours now, so it is time to publish it. Oh, I just talked to my sister and her kids are both sick with what appears to be the flu. At the place she works, many of the residents have come down with a Type A influenza (one not covered by this year's flu shot), and it has the same symptoms that her kids have and a number of other people in town have, and it sounds like what J has, so he may be out for a few days, as his cousin has had it since Friday and still has not gone back to school yet.
So---Yuck!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Day 8--fairly uneventful
So this day has been fairly uneventful, which has been nice. After writing and such at the library I headed over to pick up J from school. He has a bit of a cold and a dry cough, so I was a little worried about him--still am, as with his lung issues a cold can sometimes turn into something worse quickly. though this year we have been incredibly fortunate, as the couple of times I took him to the doctor, they said it was just a cold. And he has recovered within a few days after that. So hopefully it is just a little cold and with fluids and rest, he will be able to continue his daily routine and continue to get well. His immune system seems to be getting stringer every year. This is a blessing from God that I am truly thankful for.
For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas. Oh, and a bottle of water. I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.
Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library) I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep. I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect. So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home. And A was able to get to work on time.
The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere. Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer. But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out. So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation. I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here. Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him. Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it. I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then.
So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat. But to no avail, not even a mew was heard. So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it.
Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet). After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week. So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel. I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch. His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole. I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out. He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in.
the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually). I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.
At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).
I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night. We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy. I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids. J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it. maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them. But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future. Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...
Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes. This cold is kicking my butt...
For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas. Oh, and a bottle of water. I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.
Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library) I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep. I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect. So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home. And A was able to get to work on time.
The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere. Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer. But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out. So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation. I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here. Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him. Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it. I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then.
So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat. But to no avail, not even a mew was heard. So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it.
Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet). After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week. So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel. I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch. His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole. I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out. He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in.
the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually). I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.
At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).
I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night. We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy. I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids. J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it. maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them. But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future. Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...
Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes. This cold is kicking my butt...
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