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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?


(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))

Today has started off quite difficult.  I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school.  After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness).  He insisted that he waited to go to school.  I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday.  but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all.  So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too. 

So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go?  And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough.  And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go.  So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me?  we could watch movies and play games."  And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games.  As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate.  But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him.  Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc...  But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?]. 

I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself.  And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much.  This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to.  When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day. 

And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too"  To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling).  So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him).  Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before  I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....). 

It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state.  (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much.  My issue is the method and rational used  to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself).  And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games.  If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him". 

Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness.  Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH.  But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.

If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine.   But on the drive here A called first just to say hi.  I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay.  10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything." 
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking?  when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal." 
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....

Then another call, 10 more minutes later:

 A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot." 
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up." 
A:"no, its green snot" 
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"

A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be.  You are not the only one that would like to rest.  My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and  my sinuses are clogged and painful.  And I had a fever last night.  So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip.  But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day.  What good would that do?  I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work.  So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you  mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school.  its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?!  You don't NEED me, you've made that clear.  You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice  (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"

And I hung up.  I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is.  So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010.  To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event.  I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk.  I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap.  So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.

We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either.  It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single.  A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.

 But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with.  Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship.  I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell.  Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile.  I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends.  I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids.  but A can't see it.  A is not a bad person at all.  A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.

And I am understanding that.  This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream.  I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years.  I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate.  That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving.  So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith.  So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me. 

You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation.  If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work?  Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.

I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus.  And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)).  By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed.  Oddly, I do feel better, calmer,  Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better.  It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much.  The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing.  I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life.  Now I think I can get down to doing some work....

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