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Friday, July 29, 2011

seeking for calm...

So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault.  As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen.  It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith.  It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness.   But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery. 

Hopefully things have calmed down some today.  I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation.  It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?). 

Stress increases my desire to eat.  Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream).  So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good.  BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280.  Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.

The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us.  This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school.  Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright.  Gonzo has too.  So for this I am grateful.  I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions.  And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too.  I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see.  So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like

"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry.  Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been.  We still both love you and we are still both here for you.  And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can.  So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy.  Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now.  And things will get better very soon."

Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but  I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard).  But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.

Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend.  I'll probably write again on Monday.  Have a great weekend.

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