SOOOO......................
It has been one of those weeks, where I try to stay positive, and try to look forward to a better tomorrow, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it is hard to stay on that narrow way this week.
I am tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--just...tired.
This month has not gone at ALL the way I had anticipated when the month began....
I was so excited about Josiah starting Kindergarten and being in with mainstream peers...and it has been a nightmare--not that he is not trying but that the expectations of him to be able to just jump right into the mainstream classroom knowing exactly what to do and how to behave, in with kids who spent all of last yer together in that school in pre-k, preparing for this year when he was in a different school, different setting, and not preparing specifically for this classroom all last year, well, lets just say I believe a teacher has not grown nearly as much as she thinks she has over the past 20 years. It is still the need to have children who fit only into the round holes that match the pre-set curriculum, and all other children just do not belong. Not that she has said that, but even in a meeting today, as nice and open minded as she was trying to be (and I DO believe she IS trying) it is obvious that she just struggles greatly with any child who does not quickly fall into the little round hole so that the class can go as she wants it. Up until today I was leaning more towards the idea that it is old crap (which I mentioned in an earlier post though did not go into specifics) that had made me nervous for him to be in this particular classroom. But after today, it is becoming clearer that it's not all me. On the whole the school personnel are working VERY hard to try to understand Josiah and the web of his issues (there was yet another comment about how she understand his physical issues completely--which to me shows how much of an uphill battle this is going to be as he is a whole person and his physical issues directly and indirectly impact his behavioral issues, so if you can't open your mind enough to see that the two are related, then NO you do NOT understand his physical issues completely!)
Maybe it was a mistake to stay here. Maybe it was a mistake to try to mainstream Josiah in Kindergarten--academically he is totally getting the work they are doing--reading sight words, understanding basic concepts, knowing his letters and numbers and the sounds the letters make. But they have focused so much on writing, and he can NOT write anywhere near to the degree that the other kids can--and it is NOT for lack of trying. He tries so hard at home to write, and we do hand over hand, and he WANTS to write, but his CP and the very delayed gross and fine motor development that is required for writing creates a huge obstacle for him. I have spent so much time over the past three weeks analyzing, studying and trying to figure out how best to help Josiah and to give suggestions on what they can do to help him adjust that I feel like my brain is going to explode, if my heart does not first. Yes his behavior is way over the top, much worse than I ever expected--so either I totally was not paying attention to what Prospect told me (though they were completely confident that he would shine in a mainstream environment if he had a 1:1 aide to support him (both for physical and behavioral stuff), so I don't think I missed anything), or Prospect completely downplayed or did not consider his behaviors to be so over the top, aside from the three that are addressed in the IEP. OR, that the classroom spent so much time focusing only on his physical issues, that they completely neglected to consider his behavioral issues and how to deal with them at a level that he is able to comprehend and manage. Square peg----round hole-----square peg-----round hole
"behavior is not my strong point..." said by the Spec Ed teacher whom I love and who has always been good with the people that I love that are behaviorally challenged--she worked well with my brother, my nephew, and my older son Gonzo. And yet for some reason Josiah...who has always been far easier to deal with than any of the other three boys I mentioned, has challenged her. I just do not understand what is going on with him, what a night mare this is turning into....
I have also been trying to find a larger place to live, preferable a single family house, and there is just SOOOO little around here for rent. With the refund check I finally got, I thought it would be such a great thing to pay off some bills and then set myself up with living expenses paid for a few months while I build up either my babysitting or my writing into an income that can take over when the refund cushion is depleted. But I am just running into walls. The couple of places I have found that would allow the kids to have separate bedrooms (more on another day on why that is becoming a necessity more than a want) do not want me to be doing childcare, even when I assured them that I would be buying renters insurance and a liability insurance that covers childcare providers. Then I have to wonder, if they don ot want me to be caring for 3-4 children during the day, why would they rent to someone who has two kids of their own. It's not like there are going to be 20 kids there or anything. So I have one more feeler out there about a house that is technically for sale, but has been empty and on the market for over 2 years, and maybe they will be interested in renting it to me. So it is kind of a cold call, but we will see.
However if things do not start turning around for Josiah soon, if he does not get a handle on how he expresses his frustration and get some self control and start following the rules more, I am thinking we may not be living here all that much longer anyway. I won't move Gonzo from his school program at this point though, so unless I can be assured that he would be able to stay in the program he is in, I do not know how we could move even if they move Josiah to a different program. But it does not make sense to stay if neither of my children can attend the local school. I may be jumping the gun, but frankly, I was blindsided by all these problems, and they are so reminiscent of Gonzo's steps into Kindergarten, where in the end we got a call from someone we knew who was subbing there who witness him being mistreated, and later confirmed that from other people who worked there, but NO ONE would come forward against that teacher when we asked if we could put their name a the source of the information. So we had to file a lame report with the school about what we were told, and took G out to home school him the rest of Kindergarten. I do NOT want Josiah going through anything like Gonzo did, and while I know we are in a totally different setting, totally different region, and totally different set of circumstances, I still feel a bit gun shy. I am beginning to hate kindergarten for kids with special needs. Even the second time around, it is still such a shock to go from a preschool where the child is cherished and their education was more individual in nature to the grand demon of public school where the individual is not cherished or upheld, and everyone has to be crammed into very specific parameters. Not all teachers are like that, I have met and am friends with many who are not like that, but alas none of them live anywhere close to here. And given how Josiah has been acting, I doubt they would find him much of a picnic in their classrooms.
Honestly, underneath all of this other stuff that I write about, I feel helpless. To the point that my insomnia is making a comeback and I find myself close to tears way more often that I ever let anyone know. I hate feeling helpless--and it comes out as anger and incredulity, frustration and God knows what else, but deep down, the real problem for me is that I see my child struggling, in a sea of strangers who he does not know or trust and who do not know or like him, and there is nothing that I can really do about it. I can talk until i am blue in the face, give suggestions and pointers and try to understand what they are going through and try to help them understand what he might be going through....but in the end all I feel is helpless, unable to give my son the great and wonderful experience that Kindergarten is supposed to be. I don't know what to do...I don't know what the right thing to do is....I don't know what path I am on, what path I have set my children on, and I feel so incredibly alone....
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