There is an amazing thing that happens when you have been focusing on something that you have wanted for a long time and suddenly an opportunity that MAY bring you close to it enters your life. The same thing that brings apprehension and fear, along with joy and anticipation, excitement and amazement. If this potential opportunity does come to fruition in my life, it will be bigger than the biggest dream that I have had for this aspect of my life, and also come with great responsibility. Transformation....changing the experience that I have here, the way I view and interact with the world, that is what hopes and dreams are about. So why is it so nerve wracking when a potential opportunity presents itself?
I have an interview on Sunday (I know it sounds like an odd day for an interview, but it works out perfectly). If the interview goes well and they like me and I like them, and we can negotiate an agreement that is useful for both sides, then I could potentially become the live on manager/farmer of a very large 950 acre organic sustainable farm. They are ready to make the farm into a working farm that can financially sustain itself and everyone working on the farm. And, as they have other obligations and do not need the farm to support them, they would like someone with vision, ideas, some experience with agriculture, and a desire to farm. I replied to their ad on a whim and told them about my background and desire to farm )in a professionally written way, not like this exactly), but that I had not done any large scale farming and our little family farm growing up was just to support us, though it was organic. I did work in agricultural research at Cornell for over 7 years, but it was not organic farming, it was commercial and basic research, not practical application. I also talked about my wonderful time at ECHO (www.echonet.org) where I volunteered on a working demonstration farm for 7 months. It was that time at ECHO that reawakened my desire to have living/working farm. They are interested in meeting with me--this Sunday.
I never expected a response, not that I did not want one, on the contrary, this is an amazing gift even to be considered. It makes me so excited, and such a high energy good feeling is never detrimental. I have so many ideas for taking a farm forward--farmers markets, u-pick operations, potential contacts with NYC restaurants (via the owners who used to co-own a restaurant in NYC), pasture raised poultry for egg production and sale, a section of the farm set up as a public demonstration farm for sustainable backyard farming, possible retreat opportunities, etc... there is so much that I can envision with a farm so large. So while it is extremely exciting, it is also a daunting, and scary in some ways....
There is a part of me that relishes this time that I have right now, where I really do little of impact on the world, have responsibility really only to my own children, and really am just surviving. To step forward and even entertain this idea, it would mean a life of meaning and purpose, risks and successes, things that work and things that do not, and multiple responsibilities to self, family, and many others. I think my greatest apprehension is in the fear of failure, the fear of letting others down. But in that also lies the greatest possibility for creating something great, something that can help others and be amazing for me and my family.
The idea of raising my children on a farm, eating mostly food that we have grown ourselves, the health aspects of living that lifestyle, the amazing adventures we can have just in our daily lives....well that is the most wonderful anticipation possible. I have in depth understanding of how much work it takes to farm, and the idea is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
So that is where I am this week. Preparing mentally for this interview on Sunday, and enjoying the up part of the whirlwind of emotions. I have enjoyed walking around the ponds this week (did I mention that the farm that I hope to manage has many ponds...so I would have new ponds to enjoy on my morning walks), and am enjoying the beautiful flowers that have been blooming all over. Today is chilly (around 30 degrees this morning, now up to 37 and a drizzly cloudy day), but it was a nice walk around the ponds at the big park. The ducks are always beautiful. The willow trees are really setting leaves now, and with a mix of yellow and green, they look really cool right now.
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