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Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 54--the kids are stressed......ughhh

So today, the kids had a good day at school AND it was payday, so I took the kids out for ice cream after school.  G and I shared a banana split (as they are on special this week at Stewart's), but J did not want it, so he got a little dish of rainbow sherbet instead.  They were very good at the shop and seemed to be in good moods until we got home.  Then J threw a tantrum about G beating him into the house (as J can't walk, it is up to me to make sure he has a fair shot at winning if they are racing), but they were not racing, they were just getting out of the car.  But he threw a conniption anyway.  He was easy to bring out of it by talking to our cat, Horus, who was waiting on the side of the driveway meowing at us.  Then we came in and they wanted to play Monkey Ball on the game cube, and as it was 4:00, I told them go ahead (video games are limited to 4-5pm, as they were getting addicted).  They were playing and G kept jumping erratically in a very small space almost landing on J many times.  I kept telling him that if he wanted to jump he needed to move to the other side of J where there was more space.  Four times I said it, and finally I just picked him up and moved him over to where it was safe for him to jump.  And he had a TOTAL meltdown... full blown teary sobbing....when I asked him what was wrong he said he wanted to win but J won. However he kept playing and within seconds he was fine again... 

Some days I feel like I live in the twilight zone.....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Day 53--There is great joy to opportunities....

There is an amazing thing that happens when you have been focusing on something that you have wanted for a long time and suddenly an opportunity that MAY bring you close to it enters your life.   The same thing that brings apprehension and fear, along with joy and anticipation, excitement and amazement.  If this potential opportunity does come to fruition in my life, it will be bigger than the biggest dream that I have had for this aspect of my life, and also come with great responsibility.  Transformation....changing the experience that I have here, the way I view and interact with the world, that is what hopes and dreams are about.  So why is it so nerve wracking when a potential opportunity presents itself?

I have an interview on Sunday (I know it sounds like an odd day for an interview, but it works out perfectly).  If the interview goes well and they like me and I like them, and we can negotiate an agreement that is useful for both sides, then I could potentially become the live on manager/farmer of a very large 950 acre organic sustainable farm.  They are ready to make the farm into a working farm that can financially sustain itself and everyone working on the farm.  And, as they have other obligations and do not need the farm to support them, they would like someone with vision, ideas, some experience with agriculture, and a desire to farm.  I replied to their ad on a whim and told them about my background and desire to farm )in a professionally written way, not like this exactly), but that I had not done any large scale farming and our little family farm growing up was just to support us, though it was organic.  I did work in agricultural research at Cornell for over 7 years, but it was not organic farming, it was commercial and basic research, not practical application.  I also talked about my wonderful time at ECHO (www.echonet.org) where I volunteered on a working demonstration farm for 7 months.  It was that time at ECHO that reawakened my desire to have living/working farm.  They are interested in meeting with me--this Sunday. 

I never expected a response, not that I did not want one, on the contrary, this is an amazing gift even to be considered.  It makes me so excited, and such a high energy good feeling is never detrimental.  I have so many ideas for taking a farm forward--farmers markets, u-pick operations, potential contacts with NYC restaurants (via the owners who used to co-own a restaurant in NYC), pasture raised poultry for egg production and sale, a section of the farm set up as a public demonstration farm for sustainable backyard farming, possible retreat opportunities, etc...  there is so much that I can envision with a farm so large.  So while it is extremely exciting, it is also a daunting, and scary in some ways....

There is a part of me that relishes this time that I have right now, where I really do little of impact on the world, have responsibility really only to my own children, and really am just surviving.  To step forward and even entertain this idea, it would mean a life of meaning and purpose, risks and successes,  things that work and things that do not, and multiple responsibilities to self, family, and many others.  I think my greatest apprehension is in the fear of failure, the fear of letting others down.  But in that also lies the greatest possibility for creating something great, something that can help others and be amazing for me and my family.

The idea of raising my children on a farm, eating mostly food that we have grown ourselves, the health aspects of living that lifestyle, the amazing adventures we can have just in our daily lives....well that is the most wonderful anticipation possible.  I have in depth understanding of how much work it takes to farm, and the idea is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

So that is where I am this week.  Preparing mentally for this interview on Sunday, and enjoying the up part of the whirlwind of emotions.  I have enjoyed walking around the ponds this week (did I mention that the farm that I hope to manage has many ponds...so I would have new ponds to enjoy on my morning walks), and am enjoying the beautiful  flowers that have been blooming all over.  Today is chilly (around 30 degrees this morning, now up to 37 and a drizzly cloudy day), but it was a nice walk around the ponds at the big park.  The ducks are always beautiful.  The willow trees are really setting leaves now, and with a mix of yellow and green, they look really cool right now.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Oh my gosh I forgot to write about it....

A got a job!!  The car salesman is back in car sales.  While A has a degree in social work, there is always a point of burn out.  When A started selling cars after we adopted J, it was  match made in heaven.  A became number 2 in sales in a large dealership within a couple of months (beating people with years of experience), and stayed int eh number one or two spot for the duration of employment, which was longer than any job I had seen A have.  And A LOVED the work, loved making people happy getting them into a good car, loved the thrill of making the sale, loved the camaraderie and the competition with colleagues... 

But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success.  So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped.  Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart.  So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me.  AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home.  Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house.  And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.

I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship.  And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life.  I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself.  in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely.  And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me.  So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain.  But suffice to say that I am okay with them.

Day 50--seems like the last 30 days have not been well focused...

Well, I started off well on my first 80 day challenge, but let stress and life stuff get in the way of creating a better, more healthy me over the last 30 days or so.  Now we are on day 50.  The great thing about life, is that each day is a new day.  Each day is a day to start over fresh if you want to.  Even if you make a lot of mistakes one day or for a whole week, or a whole month or a number of years, each day you can wake up and know that you can start right from where you are and begin anew.  You don't have to wait for something to happen or some event to transpire, the change we seek is within ourselves, the power to choose is a gift we are born with, the great gift of God, and you can choose at any moment to change your direction.  Even if it is one you have been headed in for years. 
So it starts with a breath.  A decision to take one step in a better direction.  A choice to choose peace over retaliation.  A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast.  A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected.  A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger.  A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.

Today is a new day.  I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now.  I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors.  What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :) 

I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm.  I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family.  I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily.  When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources.  Now I am not  in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm.  But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself.  I have spent a lot of time in agriculture.  I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic).  I studied biology in college.  I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell.  I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors.  I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here. 

Ask and it is given...

I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees.  An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up.  A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm.  A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.

That is where my focus has been for quite a while.

The basics of my day today.  I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps.  The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves.  I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments.  I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools.  I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee.   I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn.  And  lot of water.  I also had some grape pomegranate juice.  I had toast with PB for  a snack when we got home.  I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink.  I had seconds too.  I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...

I am going to go to bed here pretty soon.  I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps.  I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I know I have not been writing every day....

Wow, once you get out of the habit of blogging everyday, it is hard to get back into it.  Today was a good day.  While I have feeling very tired these past two weeks, I am concentrating on everything improving as each day goes by. 

I have been unsure what to write about.  This blog has not gone as I had planned.  I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others.  It truly has been more of a journal.  however, I found myself posting more and more negative things.  All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life.  And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life.  I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it.  Most people have.

The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies.  As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get.  As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident.  When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for.  And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you.  And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life.  The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation.  Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life.  It is truly an amazing thing.

So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to.  So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.

Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such.  A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes."  I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say. 

I look forward to blogging daily again.  And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Well, Spring Break isw over, and we are back in the swing of things...

So here we are, nearing the end of April, and the kids spring break from school is over.  They headed back this morning, so we are back on our routine.  Or rather we are adjusting back to our routine.

I went for a very nice walk this morning at the big park (the one with trails through the woods) instead of around the pond.  Most of the trails are dry now, and the ducks have returned.  I even saw a couple of turtles today too, which made me happy.  It is in teh 50's today, which is marvelous.  Three or four days of april break we snowy up home, so it is nice to get back down here to the fresh greeen grass growing and the flowers.  This week we are actually getting into the 60's and possbily might hit 70 for the first time this year. Maybe those stubborn snowbacks that still take up half the driveway and block our access to the yard will finally melt away.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my life and today really nailed down the five things that I want...

1) Paid in Full--all debts, loans, people, etc... paid in full
2) Good health and habits (mental, physical, and spiritual)  for me and my children
3) A Farm, even a small one, where I can raise pasture raised chicken eggs and vegetabes, to be self susstaining and to sell for meetin our other needs.  The time has come for my farm.
4) Healing the relationships with my family members
5) Friends, that I can connect with, have a cup of coffee with, a conversation with, and just share life with...

And Some days you need to just breathe, and today  is a day for breathing.....so that is what I am doing.  I will post again soon....

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sorry for the long delay...

With april Break and just a LOT going on, I have had very little time to actually sit downand write on my computer.  The kids keep me hoping, more so than usual these past couple of weeks.  I did finally do a weigh in on monday, and I had gained back 2 pounds fo what I had lost.  This does not surprise me as I have been eating less carefully than i should be, and allowed my emotional eating tendencies to have free reign a bit.  It just means that I have to reboot my motivation, and focus on the amazing healthy life I can have and will have as I respect my body and emotions better.

I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night.  I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had.  So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow.  Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....