It has been a good weekend with the kids. We have been taking it very easy as we are all still a little under the weather, but improving. Today I spent some time creating a second blog that is connected to my website powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com . I have been working on creating more of an attitude of gratitude to overide some of the negativity in my life, and I decided I would do that publicly now, but on a seperate blog as the focus is very specific. So I will be blogging a daily gratitude list on my blog called Daily Gratitude. You go to my website and click on the Daily Gratitude link at the top.
The kids are napping, well J is napping and G is in bed watching a video and resting. I am going to be listening to one of the Healing with the Masters audio call that I missed earlier this week. If you are interested in healing you should check out this teleseminar series, it is completely free, and I am loving that I can go back and listen to it even if I can't be on the call itself each week.
Okay so food journal for today so far:
breakfast at 7:30am--bowl of All Bran Strawberry medley with skim milk, and a cup of tea
mid-morning snack 10:00am--2 pieces of toast with PB and honey and a cup of tea and glass of water (well 3rd glass of water for today)
lunch at 1:30pm--refried beans with cheese and taco sauce on a tortilla (x2), and water, then some whole wheat crackers with the remaining refried beans and cheese after everyone was done with lunch.
snack 3:15pm--bowl of corn flakes with skim milk and cup of tea
I'll write more later as I want to listen to the teleseminar call I missed before the boys wake up.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Day 13--post 2
Not a lot to write....
Dinner was fried chicken with boiled potatoes and green beans.
The this evening I had some tea.
Now I am going to bed, not an eventful day. Enjoyed spending time with the boys, reading, playing games, and just spending some quaility time together....I love these days.
Dinner was fried chicken with boiled potatoes and green beans.
The this evening I had some tea.
Now I am going to bed, not an eventful day. Enjoyed spending time with the boys, reading, playing games, and just spending some quaility time together....I love these days.
Day 12--a day of the munchies
The munchies are driving me crazy today, which is not good when you are trying to drop pounds. i can not say that I have had much success in controlling the munchies. It is a little after 4:00 as I write this. Today (between 7:30am and now) I have had:
1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea
So I have been grazing all day.
I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people. My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life. She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere. i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it... No more motion, forward, backward, nothing.
I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on. And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT. I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died.. AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit.
Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money. So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.
Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.
1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea
So I have been grazing all day.
I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people. My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life. She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere. i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it... No more motion, forward, backward, nothing.
I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on. And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT. I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died.. AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit.
Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money. So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.
Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 12--sleep time approaches...
well, just a final cap off before I go to bed.
We had spaghetti (whole wheat) with canned sauce and shaky cheese (as J says) with bread and butter.
I ate a few left over skittles while surfing the web (because they were sitting on the table next to me, another one of those "they were there" moments). And I have had 2 cups of black tea.
Now I am going to bed and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...
We had spaghetti (whole wheat) with canned sauce and shaky cheese (as J says) with bread and butter.
I ate a few left over skittles while surfing the web (because they were sitting on the table next to me, another one of those "they were there" moments). And I have had 2 cups of black tea.
Now I am going to bed and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...
Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!
Well, now everyone is sick. I am not too bad just exhausted. G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G). By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped. So I called the school and let them know he was not coming. Then we turned around and headed home. You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would? Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
day 11--a post before bed
LONG evening with A....too much to talk about but I do feel like I had really good self control and instead of getting defensive I just accepted that A feels what A feels, and our perceptions differ. But it is late, I spent some time reading "damn you auto correct" which is one of the funniest sites on earth, so i use it for a solid belly laughing pick me up when I need it.
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?
***WARNING: RANT BELOW******
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
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(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
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