A got a job!! The car salesman is back in car sales. While A has a degree in social work, there is always a point of burn out. When A started selling cars after we adopted J, it was match made in heaven. A became number 2 in sales in a large dealership within a couple of months (beating people with years of experience), and stayed int eh number one or two spot for the duration of employment, which was longer than any job I had seen A have. And A LOVED the work, loved making people happy getting them into a good car, loved the thrill of making the sale, loved the camaraderie and the competition with colleagues...
But A's feelings and emotional health got tied up in success. So when the car industry tanked and it was so hard to make a sale and get a bank to finance people, A's income and number of sales dropped, though still number one or two in the company, everybody dropped. Then A's mother was getting weaker and weaker, and A started drinking again back in 2008 and it all just fell apart. So to see A getting back into car sales, even though it is stressful, high paced, high energy, and commission based, it is amazing to see for me. AND it means that A will not be at my house all the time, and I can relax more easily and feel more comfortable at home. Hopefully A will get an apartment soon and move out of my Dad's house. And then the boys can have time with A in an easier way for all of us.
I am glad that A and I are developing a good friendship. And i am so glad that A is moving forward and taking steps towards building a new life. I know I have been a bit of an enabler, and that some people may see me as not making the right choices with A, but I also know Who I am and what I need to do for myself. in many ways, so many ways, my life would be easier if I just had walked away completely. And when A was 200 miles away that would have been easy, but well, it did not sit well with me. So I reach out and do what I do for reasons that are hard to explain. But suffice to say that I am okay with them.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Day 50--seems like the last 30 days have not been well focused...
Well, I started off well on my first 80 day challenge, but let stress and life stuff get in the way of creating a better, more healthy me over the last 30 days or so. Now we are on day 50. The great thing about life, is that each day is a new day. Each day is a day to start over fresh if you want to. Even if you make a lot of mistakes one day or for a whole week, or a whole month or a number of years, each day you can wake up and know that you can start right from where you are and begin anew. You don't have to wait for something to happen or some event to transpire, the change we seek is within ourselves, the power to choose is a gift we are born with, the great gift of God, and you can choose at any moment to change your direction. Even if it is one you have been headed in for years.
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I know I have not been writing every day....
Wow, once you get out of the habit of blogging everyday, it is hard to get back into it. Today was a good day. While I have feeling very tired these past two weeks, I am concentrating on everything improving as each day goes by.
I have been unsure what to write about. This blog has not gone as I had planned. I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others. It truly has been more of a journal. however, I found myself posting more and more negative things. All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life. And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life. I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it. Most people have.
The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies. As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get. As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident. When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for. And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you. And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life. The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation. Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life. It is truly an amazing thing.
So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to. So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.
Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such. A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes." I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say.
I look forward to blogging daily again. And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!
I have been unsure what to write about. This blog has not gone as I had planned. I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others. It truly has been more of a journal. however, I found myself posting more and more negative things. All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life. And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life. I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it. Most people have.
The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies. As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get. As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident. When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for. And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you. And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life. The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation. Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life. It is truly an amazing thing.
So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to. So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.
Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such. A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes." I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say.
I look forward to blogging daily again. And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Well, Spring Break isw over, and we are back in the swing of things...
So here we are, nearing the end of April, and the kids spring break from school is over. They headed back this morning, so we are back on our routine. Or rather we are adjusting back to our routine.
I went for a very nice walk this morning at the big park (the one with trails through the woods) instead of around the pond. Most of the trails are dry now, and the ducks have returned. I even saw a couple of turtles today too, which made me happy. It is in teh 50's today, which is marvelous. Three or four days of april break we snowy up home, so it is nice to get back down here to the fresh greeen grass growing and the flowers. This week we are actually getting into the 60's and possbily might hit 70 for the first time this year. Maybe those stubborn snowbacks that still take up half the driveway and block our access to the yard will finally melt away.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my life and today really nailed down the five things that I want...
1) Paid in Full--all debts, loans, people, etc... paid in full
2) Good health and habits (mental, physical, and spiritual) for me and my children
3) A Farm, even a small one, where I can raise pasture raised chicken eggs and vegetabes, to be self susstaining and to sell for meetin our other needs. The time has come for my farm.
4) Healing the relationships with my family members
5) Friends, that I can connect with, have a cup of coffee with, a conversation with, and just share life with...
And Some days you need to just breathe, and today is a day for breathing.....so that is what I am doing. I will post again soon....
I went for a very nice walk this morning at the big park (the one with trails through the woods) instead of around the pond. Most of the trails are dry now, and the ducks have returned. I even saw a couple of turtles today too, which made me happy. It is in teh 50's today, which is marvelous. Three or four days of april break we snowy up home, so it is nice to get back down here to the fresh greeen grass growing and the flowers. This week we are actually getting into the 60's and possbily might hit 70 for the first time this year. Maybe those stubborn snowbacks that still take up half the driveway and block our access to the yard will finally melt away.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my life and today really nailed down the five things that I want...
1) Paid in Full--all debts, loans, people, etc... paid in full
2) Good health and habits (mental, physical, and spiritual) for me and my children
3) A Farm, even a small one, where I can raise pasture raised chicken eggs and vegetabes, to be self susstaining and to sell for meetin our other needs. The time has come for my farm.
4) Healing the relationships with my family members
5) Friends, that I can connect with, have a cup of coffee with, a conversation with, and just share life with...
And Some days you need to just breathe, and today is a day for breathing.....so that is what I am doing. I will post again soon....
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sorry for the long delay...
With april Break and just a LOT going on, I have had very little time to actually sit downand write on my computer. The kids keep me hoping, more so than usual these past couple of weeks. I did finally do a weigh in on monday, and I had gained back 2 pounds fo what I had lost. This does not surprise me as I have been eating less carefully than i should be, and allowed my emotional eating tendencies to have free reign a bit. It just means that I have to reboot my motivation, and focus on the amazing healthy life I can have and will have as I respect my body and emotions better.
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
Saturday, April 16, 2011
day 33--the ides of April
Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as the ides of march. But it is the ides of April. I had a great walk around the pond this morning, then listened to some of a book on CD (which i had also been listening to while I walked) in the Jeep. I have A's Jeep today so A could drop my car off at the mechanic. I am grateful for the help. Though I am really not liking A not having a job. I am glad that A decided to go back to AA, but that does not make it easier for me to try to live my own life. A got back from the meeting and asked to spend the night. It makes me want to pull all of my hair out when I hear "I could just sleep on your floor." That puts me in the position of having so say no, of giving A the experience of rejection, of having to put up walls again. Every time I feel like we have taken a step forward in this building of our friendship, A makes me take a step back and realize that we have different goals, and I am not willing to accept A's goals. I will not get back together as a couple, there are too many lies, to many belligerent words, too much emotional abuse, and too much of an unhealthy relationship--even since we have tried to live closer to each other, not just old stuff, but CURRENT issues--it is too much, And I won't do it.
Overall though it was a good day. I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee. Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles. I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water. For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli. In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.
Note: I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.
Overall though it was a good day. I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee. Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles. I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water. For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli. In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.
Note: I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Day 32--I think, i will actually have to go back and count that out again
Well, I have not weighed myself since last week, and was going to do it this morning, but I was distracted by the power being out, and thus forgot. Luckily it was only out in my town and when I got down the hill (i.e. the mountain I drive down everyday), the lights were on in the rest of the towns I passed through and there were no delays at either of the boys school. It is going to be strange next year when I put the kids on buses and do not make this drive every day. Granted I have through august that I will be so it is till about 5 more months of driving. I toyed with the idea of having the bus transport for the summer program, but for consistency I will drive until the kids start the next school year. J will actually be going in town to the local school. It will be interesting to see how well he does there. I am looking forward to it. J is going to do great.
Spring is doing wonders for my life. I LOVE the walks every day. Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret." The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area. The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy. I love daffodils.
As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water. I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning. It was WAY TOO sweet.
I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...
Spring is doing wonders for my life. I LOVE the walks every day. Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret." The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area. The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy. I love daffodils.
As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water. I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning. It was WAY TOO sweet.
I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...
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