Well, for starters, my ex-spouse and now friend A has finally moved into an apartment and out of my father's house. A is renting a nice 2 bedroom in town and my brother and his friend helped move (well moved not just helped) all of A's furniture out of my father's house and out of the old trailer (where it has been stored with a bunch of my stuff too) and got it into the new apartment. So while unpacking and setting things up needs to happen, A is officially self-supporting. A also, thankfully, was given more hours at work and so should be able to afford to keep this apartment. It is beautiful, a big kitchen dining room combo, a medium sized living room, a nice sized bedroom for A, and a little bedroom for the boys for when they spend the night. I have taken the boys over every evening since Tuesday to help A feel settled in (the couch from the landlord was already there and I took the boys TV out of their bedroom and took it over as A's place comes with everything included--heat, electric, hot water, cable, and wifi. I am hoping that the boys will enjoy being able to has 1-on-1 time with their other parent. Hopefully we can nail down a consistent schedule so the boys always know that they can count on having specific time with their Bubba.
I have also signed a rental deal with the owners of the old laundromat, and will be converting it to a single family residence and running a family daycare from there. It is a big building with a good, level yard. I am nervous about it, as it is quite an investment. If all goes well, after 3 years they will hold the mortgage and I will buy the property. I will fill in details about this as time goes on. Suffice to say that between doing all the trainings and paperwork for the child care licensing, and now getting all the permits and doing the renovations for the house/day care, I am going to be one busy lady. it is good though. I am ready for a project that challenges in me different way than I am challenged by raising children with special needs.
I'll update some on how Josiah's struggles with Kindergarten are going. I will also be updating on how I am expanding my use of the Nurtured Heart Approach in trying to help both of my boys have more security and self control so that they can function better and enjoy life more. If you look into it, I have read the book multiple times as I have been trying to prepare myself to use this approach to parenting. I did not want to do it halfway. I am at step five, the credit system. We started using it today, and we had a day wonderfully free of major arguments, fights between the boys, bad language, and tantrums. Josiah only had one episode of "freaking out" as he calls it, and it was short and resolved quickly. Gonzo only had one round of insane, incessant whining and arguing and it was not at me or his brother, at the video game he had chosen to spend his credits to play. The extreme positive affirmation aspect is something we have been building up to, and using a clear, unemotional consequence for broken rules seems like it is going to work. I have a bit of tweaking to do to the system, as it is very flexible and can be used by anyone in any situation, I just have to find the right balance that works for us. But so far, it appears by the calm and happy evening I had with the boys, that once we adjust to this system, life may be a whole lot more peaceful, and our relationships with each other and hopefully with extended family, school, and community will drastically improve in quality. It is a challenge to essentially toss out traditional (and not so traditional) parenting models and advice, but those have not had much effect on the family dynamic with intense and difficult children who have gone through intense and difficult times over the past few years. It was time to try a drastically different approach (which has elements of other models and ideas that we have worked with in the past, but applied more intensely), and if the first day was any indication, if I do this right and consistently my children will feel more empowered, more in control of themselves, and have more respect for others, while building them up rather than tearing them down, which most parenting models essentially do (though I had not really realized that before I started exploring this method). Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for us that by fully embracing the Nurtured Heart Approach to parenting difficult children, that like, for all of us will improve. It is amazing how hard it is to train yourself to give positive affirmation rather than negative feedback when it comes to behavior. Like most of our culture, I had been programed to try to give attention and specific examples to behavior that was not correct more intensely than giving praise and affirmation and specific recongition to behavior that was correct.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
My Computer is BACK!!!!
So, I finally have my computer back as of today!! It is a wonderful feeling. Got my car back on Sunday with most things fixed after 3 weeks with no car,a nd got my car back today more than 3 months after it stopped working (and over a month after I finally sent it off for repairs).
So hopefully starting tomorrow I will actually sstart blogging on a nearly daily basis again. So much has been going on lately (seems to be the norm for the past few years), so I have a lot to update on, but it has been one jam-packed day and I am ready to relax and hit the hay. So an update will have to wait until tomorrow. It is good to be back online with a computer that actually works!!
So hopefully starting tomorrow I will actually sstart blogging on a nearly daily basis again. So much has been going on lately (seems to be the norm for the past few years), so I have a lot to update on, but it has been one jam-packed day and I am ready to relax and hit the hay. So an update will have to wait until tomorrow. It is good to be back online with a computer that actually works!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A quick hello
Sorry for the long delays and lack of posts lately, I am still waiting for my good computer to return, and it should be here any day now. Things have been busy. I have negotiated an interesting deal about the house, which will hopefully lead to both a good place to live and a great place to do child care. I have started the paperwork to become a registered day care provider, so that ball is rolling. Hopefully by mid-January that process should be done and I should be approved. I have also decided with the bigger space that I will pursue another avenue I have been wanting to do for a long tie but the timing was just not right. I have put in an inquiry on become a foster parent. So we will see where that leads. I know that from inquiry to placement is often a year or two, so starting the process now puts us well into having everything else solid by the time any placements would occur.
My car is still in the shop. The total estimate was over two thousands dollars, so I talked to my step father and he can do a couple of the things that are needed --one of which the garage estimated would be nearly $1000 parts and labor, parts being more than half. But looking online I can find the parts for less than a 1/4 of what he quoted, so my step father is going to do that one. So the garage is doing the struts, wheel bearing and new tires. It should be ready tomorrow afternoon!!
My chickens are doing well, getting feathers and liking being in the big coop. I am worried that they will get too cold over the next couple of days. I still have the box with a light in it that they sleep in to keep warm. But unlike the past few days with temps in the 40's and 50's, the lows are heading into the low twenties (my two button does not work on this computer so I have to write out all numbers that contain a two). The forecast is an 80% chance of snow tomorrow, and not just flurries but accumulations of up to 6 inches!!! What a way to have first snowfall of the year! sheesh!!!
My car is still in the shop. The total estimate was over two thousands dollars, so I talked to my step father and he can do a couple of the things that are needed --one of which the garage estimated would be nearly $1000 parts and labor, parts being more than half. But looking online I can find the parts for less than a 1/4 of what he quoted, so my step father is going to do that one. So the garage is doing the struts, wheel bearing and new tires. It should be ready tomorrow afternoon!!
My chickens are doing well, getting feathers and liking being in the big coop. I am worried that they will get too cold over the next couple of days. I still have the box with a light in it that they sleep in to keep warm. But unlike the past few days with temps in the 40's and 50's, the lows are heading into the low twenties (my two button does not work on this computer so I have to write out all numbers that contain a two). The forecast is an 80% chance of snow tomorrow, and not just flurries but accumulations of up to 6 inches!!! What a way to have first snowfall of the year! sheesh!!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
A quick update ....
HI All,
As it has been so long since I made a full post, and I am still on an ailing computer, I wanted to try again to make a quick update of a variety of my life areas.
The kids:
School for Gonzalo is going very well this year. His behavior has been much better than in previous years and he is learning well. School for Josiah is still up and down, he has his good days and he has his bad days, some REALLY good and some REALLY bad!). I believe his teacher is trying and I also believe that she truly is a teacher that ca not think outside the box, so this is a struggle for her as much as it is for him. Luckily his assistant (surprisingly) CAN think outside the box, as does the spec ed teacher, principle, and CSE chair. So while still a struggle, he is moving in a positive direction. By November I think we will be on an even keel.
The other big thinks going on for Josiah have just been with his medical/physical special needs. He did not get his dental surgery last month because he had a nasty cold and could not go under anesthesia. And since they book months in advance who knows when he will get in again. His hydrocephalus has been on our minds, as his CT scan last year raised some eyebrows with his neurosurgeon, but as he is not presenting any symptoms, it has just been a process of getting a second opinion from a doctor who is more familiar with pediatric hydrocephalus, and that took a while. We saw him in June (or was it May or even April!) and he wanted to do an MRI to see how the fluid was moving through the brain to see if it is coming in faster than it is going out, which would cause it to build up slowly over time. As it was 60-90 minute MRI he had to be sedated. Luckily he has not had a cold lately and we had the sedated MRI scan yesterday. The doctor should get the results later this week and we will hopefully know something within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully fluid is coming and going at the same rate and he will not need another brain surgery or a shunt. The ventricolostomy will hopefully continue to work as it had done early on.
Other issues with Josiah lately--his hips are rotating in too much and his neurodevelopmental doc thinks that he should have hip surgery. We are scheduling an appointment for him to see his orthopedic surgeon to see if he agrees or if her thinks it is not necessary. There is the visit with the eye doctor which we missed because I wrote it down wrong on the calendar and did not check phone messages for a couple of days (which I do let go way too often, I really need to start checking phone messages daily). So I missed the reminder call which said the 3rd and my calendar said the 6th. So we have to reschedule that one. Overall though even with some potential problems beginning to show, Josiah has been pretty healthy this school year, and seems to be weathering the change of schools well health wise.
The income/housing issues:
I am working on the LONG process of getting registered as a NYS childcare provider to do family home day care (up to six kids). As I am doing this I continue to babysit the two year old and her brother after school. I also have another family that has asked me to babysit occasionally for their 3 year old and 9 month old. I told them that I had to work it so that I only had a maximum of two kids at any one time until I am licensed (state law--as an unregistered provider I can only watch two kids at a time on a regular basis in addition to my own). So it is a bit of schedule juggling but should be a good start.
However I have noticed that my neighbors, who are retired and older, are not so happy with all the kids running around, as we share the porch and yard in our duplex. So I have been looking into other housing for a while now. It is slim pickings up here. But I have been talking to a woman whose son is in Josiah's class and who I grew up with (she was a couple years ahead of me in school so we did not know each other well). She has been trying to sell a large building that used to be her family's laundromat. It has been on the market for quite a while and has not sold. She is willing to do a rent to own and allow me to convert it to a residential home with the intent to do daycare. So that is in the works. I need to make sure that my investment and hard work of converting it from commercial into residential (which will not be a problem, I have already talked to the zoning/building code man from the town-I'll just need building permits and such to renovate it), the contract needs to protect my investment and be written in a way that does not screw either of us in this endeavour. Thank God (literally) that A's niece is a lawyer and her husband a contract lawyer. Even though A and I are separated, the family still is open to helping. So, if the contract goes through well, I will begin renovating the inside and maybe even have it done by Christmas (as long as I have enough tie to work on it on a regular basis).
Health wise:
For me, weight loss is still a struggle. I do well for a few days with being careful about what I eat, watching my blood sugar (ice cream is VERY bad for blood sugar, so is boxes cereal). But then life gets stressful or busy or something else is going on and I turn my attention to that and fall back to my bad eating habits for a few days. Then I push forward again on developing new habits, and well it is a cycle. I think overall, that cycle is moving towards better and better eating patterns when I look at the overall picture, but I really need a solid month of really focusing on changing my eating habits themselves, so that I fall back on good habit and not on the ones that are so ingrained that there is a rut there. Two steps forward, one step back is still forward motion as a whole.
Other stuff:
My car is ailing and need work (tires, brakes, steering, etc...) AND i have the money right now to get it all done--so YIPPEE!! I take the car to the shop tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to get the parts in and have the time to fix her within the next week. I am guessing it will cost nearly a grand, but as I bought the car for $400 last February and she was worth so much more, it is worth putting that much money into her.
My chick are growing big. They were hatched on September twenty seventh (my two button does not work) and have been growing well since they arrived by ail at a day or two old. They are nearly two weeks old and have gotten their wing feathers. they are still in a big b ox here at the apartment, but will soon be moving over to my father's property. I have to build a new chicken coop as his is not is great repair. So i think that will be a project fro the4 coming weekend as they are getting to be a bit too big for the box. In a couple of months the extra roosters will become dinner (not something I look forward to, it is hard for me to eat animals I love, but I can not keep them, they will fight each other to death as they get older and territorial, only one or two will be kept with the hens. Then in 4-6 months I should have a bunch of fresh eggs daily. It will be wonderful. I have wanted to have chickens for so long. As a kid, my chore was caring for our chickens, and they were my friends. I loved having chickens and caring for them. I have always wanted to have a flock of chickens, and now I have them. Maybe when I move into the new house I can bring the chicken coop over there, which would be great.
Well, I should end now. I will write more soon, and when I get my computer back should be able to do short posts daily again rather than these intermittent postings.
Hope you are all well and enjoying autumn--my favorite and most productive time of the year.
As it has been so long since I made a full post, and I am still on an ailing computer, I wanted to try again to make a quick update of a variety of my life areas.
The kids:
School for Gonzalo is going very well this year. His behavior has been much better than in previous years and he is learning well. School for Josiah is still up and down, he has his good days and he has his bad days, some REALLY good and some REALLY bad!). I believe his teacher is trying and I also believe that she truly is a teacher that ca not think outside the box, so this is a struggle for her as much as it is for him. Luckily his assistant (surprisingly) CAN think outside the box, as does the spec ed teacher, principle, and CSE chair. So while still a struggle, he is moving in a positive direction. By November I think we will be on an even keel.
The other big thinks going on for Josiah have just been with his medical/physical special needs. He did not get his dental surgery last month because he had a nasty cold and could not go under anesthesia. And since they book months in advance who knows when he will get in again. His hydrocephalus has been on our minds, as his CT scan last year raised some eyebrows with his neurosurgeon, but as he is not presenting any symptoms, it has just been a process of getting a second opinion from a doctor who is more familiar with pediatric hydrocephalus, and that took a while. We saw him in June (or was it May or even April!) and he wanted to do an MRI to see how the fluid was moving through the brain to see if it is coming in faster than it is going out, which would cause it to build up slowly over time. As it was 60-90 minute MRI he had to be sedated. Luckily he has not had a cold lately and we had the sedated MRI scan yesterday. The doctor should get the results later this week and we will hopefully know something within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully fluid is coming and going at the same rate and he will not need another brain surgery or a shunt. The ventricolostomy will hopefully continue to work as it had done early on.
Other issues with Josiah lately--his hips are rotating in too much and his neurodevelopmental doc thinks that he should have hip surgery. We are scheduling an appointment for him to see his orthopedic surgeon to see if he agrees or if her thinks it is not necessary. There is the visit with the eye doctor which we missed because I wrote it down wrong on the calendar and did not check phone messages for a couple of days (which I do let go way too often, I really need to start checking phone messages daily). So I missed the reminder call which said the 3rd and my calendar said the 6th. So we have to reschedule that one. Overall though even with some potential problems beginning to show, Josiah has been pretty healthy this school year, and seems to be weathering the change of schools well health wise.
The income/housing issues:
I am working on the LONG process of getting registered as a NYS childcare provider to do family home day care (up to six kids). As I am doing this I continue to babysit the two year old and her brother after school. I also have another family that has asked me to babysit occasionally for their 3 year old and 9 month old. I told them that I had to work it so that I only had a maximum of two kids at any one time until I am licensed (state law--as an unregistered provider I can only watch two kids at a time on a regular basis in addition to my own). So it is a bit of schedule juggling but should be a good start.
However I have noticed that my neighbors, who are retired and older, are not so happy with all the kids running around, as we share the porch and yard in our duplex. So I have been looking into other housing for a while now. It is slim pickings up here. But I have been talking to a woman whose son is in Josiah's class and who I grew up with (she was a couple years ahead of me in school so we did not know each other well). She has been trying to sell a large building that used to be her family's laundromat. It has been on the market for quite a while and has not sold. She is willing to do a rent to own and allow me to convert it to a residential home with the intent to do daycare. So that is in the works. I need to make sure that my investment and hard work of converting it from commercial into residential (which will not be a problem, I have already talked to the zoning/building code man from the town-I'll just need building permits and such to renovate it), the contract needs to protect my investment and be written in a way that does not screw either of us in this endeavour. Thank God (literally) that A's niece is a lawyer and her husband a contract lawyer. Even though A and I are separated, the family still is open to helping. So, if the contract goes through well, I will begin renovating the inside and maybe even have it done by Christmas (as long as I have enough tie to work on it on a regular basis).
Health wise:
For me, weight loss is still a struggle. I do well for a few days with being careful about what I eat, watching my blood sugar (ice cream is VERY bad for blood sugar, so is boxes cereal). But then life gets stressful or busy or something else is going on and I turn my attention to that and fall back to my bad eating habits for a few days. Then I push forward again on developing new habits, and well it is a cycle. I think overall, that cycle is moving towards better and better eating patterns when I look at the overall picture, but I really need a solid month of really focusing on changing my eating habits themselves, so that I fall back on good habit and not on the ones that are so ingrained that there is a rut there. Two steps forward, one step back is still forward motion as a whole.
Other stuff:
My car is ailing and need work (tires, brakes, steering, etc...) AND i have the money right now to get it all done--so YIPPEE!! I take the car to the shop tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to get the parts in and have the time to fix her within the next week. I am guessing it will cost nearly a grand, but as I bought the car for $400 last February and she was worth so much more, it is worth putting that much money into her.
My chick are growing big. They were hatched on September twenty seventh (my two button does not work) and have been growing well since they arrived by ail at a day or two old. They are nearly two weeks old and have gotten their wing feathers. they are still in a big b ox here at the apartment, but will soon be moving over to my father's property. I have to build a new chicken coop as his is not is great repair. So i think that will be a project fro the4 coming weekend as they are getting to be a bit too big for the box. In a couple of months the extra roosters will become dinner (not something I look forward to, it is hard for me to eat animals I love, but I can not keep them, they will fight each other to death as they get older and territorial, only one or two will be kept with the hens. Then in 4-6 months I should have a bunch of fresh eggs daily. It will be wonderful. I have wanted to have chickens for so long. As a kid, my chore was caring for our chickens, and they were my friends. I loved having chickens and caring for them. I have always wanted to have a flock of chickens, and now I have them. Maybe when I move into the new house I can bring the chicken coop over there, which would be great.
Well, I should end now. I will write more soon, and when I get my computer back should be able to do short posts daily again rather than these intermittent postings.
Hope you are all well and enjoying autumn--my favorite and most productive time of the year.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
100th post!..Finally...
Okay, so....
Life has been a bit crazy lately. And not having good access to a good computer makes it difficult to post. My good laptop is done with repairs and on its way back finally (it had to be sent back to the manufacturer). By next week sometime it should be back with me, and I should be back to posting more often.
So a quick post now and
well, I have to go quicker than I thought I will post more later if I can get this coputer to work again later....
Life has been a bit crazy lately. And not having good access to a good computer makes it difficult to post. My good laptop is done with repairs and on its way back finally (it had to be sent back to the manufacturer). By next week sometime it should be back with me, and I should be back to posting more often.
So a quick post now and
well, I have to go quicker than I thought I will post more later if I can get this coputer to work again later....
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Exhaustion, confusion, and just trying to find a path....
SOOOO......................
It has been one of those weeks, where I try to stay positive, and try to look forward to a better tomorrow, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it is hard to stay on that narrow way this week.
I am tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--just...tired.
This month has not gone at ALL the way I had anticipated when the month began....
I was so excited about Josiah starting Kindergarten and being in with mainstream peers...and it has been a nightmare--not that he is not trying but that the expectations of him to be able to just jump right into the mainstream classroom knowing exactly what to do and how to behave, in with kids who spent all of last yer together in that school in pre-k, preparing for this year when he was in a different school, different setting, and not preparing specifically for this classroom all last year, well, lets just say I believe a teacher has not grown nearly as much as she thinks she has over the past 20 years. It is still the need to have children who fit only into the round holes that match the pre-set curriculum, and all other children just do not belong. Not that she has said that, but even in a meeting today, as nice and open minded as she was trying to be (and I DO believe she IS trying) it is obvious that she just struggles greatly with any child who does not quickly fall into the little round hole so that the class can go as she wants it. Up until today I was leaning more towards the idea that it is old crap (which I mentioned in an earlier post though did not go into specifics) that had made me nervous for him to be in this particular classroom. But after today, it is becoming clearer that it's not all me. On the whole the school personnel are working VERY hard to try to understand Josiah and the web of his issues (there was yet another comment about how she understand his physical issues completely--which to me shows how much of an uphill battle this is going to be as he is a whole person and his physical issues directly and indirectly impact his behavioral issues, so if you can't open your mind enough to see that the two are related, then NO you do NOT understand his physical issues completely!)
Maybe it was a mistake to stay here. Maybe it was a mistake to try to mainstream Josiah in Kindergarten--academically he is totally getting the work they are doing--reading sight words, understanding basic concepts, knowing his letters and numbers and the sounds the letters make. But they have focused so much on writing, and he can NOT write anywhere near to the degree that the other kids can--and it is NOT for lack of trying. He tries so hard at home to write, and we do hand over hand, and he WANTS to write, but his CP and the very delayed gross and fine motor development that is required for writing creates a huge obstacle for him. I have spent so much time over the past three weeks analyzing, studying and trying to figure out how best to help Josiah and to give suggestions on what they can do to help him adjust that I feel like my brain is going to explode, if my heart does not first. Yes his behavior is way over the top, much worse than I ever expected--so either I totally was not paying attention to what Prospect told me (though they were completely confident that he would shine in a mainstream environment if he had a 1:1 aide to support him (both for physical and behavioral stuff), so I don't think I missed anything), or Prospect completely downplayed or did not consider his behaviors to be so over the top, aside from the three that are addressed in the IEP. OR, that the classroom spent so much time focusing only on his physical issues, that they completely neglected to consider his behavioral issues and how to deal with them at a level that he is able to comprehend and manage. Square peg----round hole-----square peg-----round hole
"behavior is not my strong point..." said by the Spec Ed teacher whom I love and who has always been good with the people that I love that are behaviorally challenged--she worked well with my brother, my nephew, and my older son Gonzo. And yet for some reason Josiah...who has always been far easier to deal with than any of the other three boys I mentioned, has challenged her. I just do not understand what is going on with him, what a night mare this is turning into....
I have also been trying to find a larger place to live, preferable a single family house, and there is just SOOOO little around here for rent. With the refund check I finally got, I thought it would be such a great thing to pay off some bills and then set myself up with living expenses paid for a few months while I build up either my babysitting or my writing into an income that can take over when the refund cushion is depleted. But I am just running into walls. The couple of places I have found that would allow the kids to have separate bedrooms (more on another day on why that is becoming a necessity more than a want) do not want me to be doing childcare, even when I assured them that I would be buying renters insurance and a liability insurance that covers childcare providers. Then I have to wonder, if they don ot want me to be caring for 3-4 children during the day, why would they rent to someone who has two kids of their own. It's not like there are going to be 20 kids there or anything. So I have one more feeler out there about a house that is technically for sale, but has been empty and on the market for over 2 years, and maybe they will be interested in renting it to me. So it is kind of a cold call, but we will see.
However if things do not start turning around for Josiah soon, if he does not get a handle on how he expresses his frustration and get some self control and start following the rules more, I am thinking we may not be living here all that much longer anyway. I won't move Gonzo from his school program at this point though, so unless I can be assured that he would be able to stay in the program he is in, I do not know how we could move even if they move Josiah to a different program. But it does not make sense to stay if neither of my children can attend the local school. I may be jumping the gun, but frankly, I was blindsided by all these problems, and they are so reminiscent of Gonzo's steps into Kindergarten, where in the end we got a call from someone we knew who was subbing there who witness him being mistreated, and later confirmed that from other people who worked there, but NO ONE would come forward against that teacher when we asked if we could put their name a the source of the information. So we had to file a lame report with the school about what we were told, and took G out to home school him the rest of Kindergarten. I do NOT want Josiah going through anything like Gonzo did, and while I know we are in a totally different setting, totally different region, and totally different set of circumstances, I still feel a bit gun shy. I am beginning to hate kindergarten for kids with special needs. Even the second time around, it is still such a shock to go from a preschool where the child is cherished and their education was more individual in nature to the grand demon of public school where the individual is not cherished or upheld, and everyone has to be crammed into very specific parameters. Not all teachers are like that, I have met and am friends with many who are not like that, but alas none of them live anywhere close to here. And given how Josiah has been acting, I doubt they would find him much of a picnic in their classrooms.
Honestly, underneath all of this other stuff that I write about, I feel helpless. To the point that my insomnia is making a comeback and I find myself close to tears way more often that I ever let anyone know. I hate feeling helpless--and it comes out as anger and incredulity, frustration and God knows what else, but deep down, the real problem for me is that I see my child struggling, in a sea of strangers who he does not know or trust and who do not know or like him, and there is nothing that I can really do about it. I can talk until i am blue in the face, give suggestions and pointers and try to understand what they are going through and try to help them understand what he might be going through....but in the end all I feel is helpless, unable to give my son the great and wonderful experience that Kindergarten is supposed to be. I don't know what to do...I don't know what the right thing to do is....I don't know what path I am on, what path I have set my children on, and I feel so incredibly alone....
It has been one of those weeks, where I try to stay positive, and try to look forward to a better tomorrow, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it is hard to stay on that narrow way this week.
I am tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally--just...tired.
This month has not gone at ALL the way I had anticipated when the month began....
I was so excited about Josiah starting Kindergarten and being in with mainstream peers...and it has been a nightmare--not that he is not trying but that the expectations of him to be able to just jump right into the mainstream classroom knowing exactly what to do and how to behave, in with kids who spent all of last yer together in that school in pre-k, preparing for this year when he was in a different school, different setting, and not preparing specifically for this classroom all last year, well, lets just say I believe a teacher has not grown nearly as much as she thinks she has over the past 20 years. It is still the need to have children who fit only into the round holes that match the pre-set curriculum, and all other children just do not belong. Not that she has said that, but even in a meeting today, as nice and open minded as she was trying to be (and I DO believe she IS trying) it is obvious that she just struggles greatly with any child who does not quickly fall into the little round hole so that the class can go as she wants it. Up until today I was leaning more towards the idea that it is old crap (which I mentioned in an earlier post though did not go into specifics) that had made me nervous for him to be in this particular classroom. But after today, it is becoming clearer that it's not all me. On the whole the school personnel are working VERY hard to try to understand Josiah and the web of his issues (there was yet another comment about how she understand his physical issues completely--which to me shows how much of an uphill battle this is going to be as he is a whole person and his physical issues directly and indirectly impact his behavioral issues, so if you can't open your mind enough to see that the two are related, then NO you do NOT understand his physical issues completely!)
Maybe it was a mistake to stay here. Maybe it was a mistake to try to mainstream Josiah in Kindergarten--academically he is totally getting the work they are doing--reading sight words, understanding basic concepts, knowing his letters and numbers and the sounds the letters make. But they have focused so much on writing, and he can NOT write anywhere near to the degree that the other kids can--and it is NOT for lack of trying. He tries so hard at home to write, and we do hand over hand, and he WANTS to write, but his CP and the very delayed gross and fine motor development that is required for writing creates a huge obstacle for him. I have spent so much time over the past three weeks analyzing, studying and trying to figure out how best to help Josiah and to give suggestions on what they can do to help him adjust that I feel like my brain is going to explode, if my heart does not first. Yes his behavior is way over the top, much worse than I ever expected--so either I totally was not paying attention to what Prospect told me (though they were completely confident that he would shine in a mainstream environment if he had a 1:1 aide to support him (both for physical and behavioral stuff), so I don't think I missed anything), or Prospect completely downplayed or did not consider his behaviors to be so over the top, aside from the three that are addressed in the IEP. OR, that the classroom spent so much time focusing only on his physical issues, that they completely neglected to consider his behavioral issues and how to deal with them at a level that he is able to comprehend and manage. Square peg----round hole-----square peg-----round hole
"behavior is not my strong point..." said by the Spec Ed teacher whom I love and who has always been good with the people that I love that are behaviorally challenged--she worked well with my brother, my nephew, and my older son Gonzo. And yet for some reason Josiah...who has always been far easier to deal with than any of the other three boys I mentioned, has challenged her. I just do not understand what is going on with him, what a night mare this is turning into....
I have also been trying to find a larger place to live, preferable a single family house, and there is just SOOOO little around here for rent. With the refund check I finally got, I thought it would be such a great thing to pay off some bills and then set myself up with living expenses paid for a few months while I build up either my babysitting or my writing into an income that can take over when the refund cushion is depleted. But I am just running into walls. The couple of places I have found that would allow the kids to have separate bedrooms (more on another day on why that is becoming a necessity more than a want) do not want me to be doing childcare, even when I assured them that I would be buying renters insurance and a liability insurance that covers childcare providers. Then I have to wonder, if they don ot want me to be caring for 3-4 children during the day, why would they rent to someone who has two kids of their own. It's not like there are going to be 20 kids there or anything. So I have one more feeler out there about a house that is technically for sale, but has been empty and on the market for over 2 years, and maybe they will be interested in renting it to me. So it is kind of a cold call, but we will see.
However if things do not start turning around for Josiah soon, if he does not get a handle on how he expresses his frustration and get some self control and start following the rules more, I am thinking we may not be living here all that much longer anyway. I won't move Gonzo from his school program at this point though, so unless I can be assured that he would be able to stay in the program he is in, I do not know how we could move even if they move Josiah to a different program. But it does not make sense to stay if neither of my children can attend the local school. I may be jumping the gun, but frankly, I was blindsided by all these problems, and they are so reminiscent of Gonzo's steps into Kindergarten, where in the end we got a call from someone we knew who was subbing there who witness him being mistreated, and later confirmed that from other people who worked there, but NO ONE would come forward against that teacher when we asked if we could put their name a the source of the information. So we had to file a lame report with the school about what we were told, and took G out to home school him the rest of Kindergarten. I do NOT want Josiah going through anything like Gonzo did, and while I know we are in a totally different setting, totally different region, and totally different set of circumstances, I still feel a bit gun shy. I am beginning to hate kindergarten for kids with special needs. Even the second time around, it is still such a shock to go from a preschool where the child is cherished and their education was more individual in nature to the grand demon of public school where the individual is not cherished or upheld, and everyone has to be crammed into very specific parameters. Not all teachers are like that, I have met and am friends with many who are not like that, but alas none of them live anywhere close to here. And given how Josiah has been acting, I doubt they would find him much of a picnic in their classrooms.
Honestly, underneath all of this other stuff that I write about, I feel helpless. To the point that my insomnia is making a comeback and I find myself close to tears way more often that I ever let anyone know. I hate feeling helpless--and it comes out as anger and incredulity, frustration and God knows what else, but deep down, the real problem for me is that I see my child struggling, in a sea of strangers who he does not know or trust and who do not know or like him, and there is nothing that I can really do about it. I can talk until i am blue in the face, give suggestions and pointers and try to understand what they are going through and try to help them understand what he might be going through....but in the end all I feel is helpless, unable to give my son the great and wonderful experience that Kindergarten is supposed to be. I don't know what to do...I don't know what the right thing to do is....I don't know what path I am on, what path I have set my children on, and I feel so incredibly alone....
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
School (old fear dies hard), work and possibly moving to another rental?!?
So I have not really written in a few days. There are a couple of reasons for that: First of all my (MY) computer (the wonderful laptop I got for Christmas from K (my best friend for the past 19 years)) is back at HP for some repairs, still under warranty luckily. So I have been using A's computer, as A is not using it, as there is neither Internet, nor a phone, at my father's house and A is still living there (though I went with A yesterday to see A put down a deposit plus rent on an apartment which will be ready in mid-October or November at the latest--yippee, more stability for my kids as we can get them on a consistent schedule with specific times and space where they can spend with A, and more chance to relax my tension for me). So that laptop was here as A is here much of the time. But A's computer is ailing, over the past year and a half there are vertical lines that have slowly been moving up the screen. You can still see everything fine, but the color is subdued. So for writing and such it is fine (thought watching netflix on it is not so good). However, lately the cord has been iffy--it only connects some of the time, and about 5 days ago, stopped working all together. So I have been using my ancient desktop, which is slower than death, has about 17 quarantined viruses on it, and that I use mainly for the kids educational and fun computer games. It is a lesson in patience, and practice in grace to use the Internet with this computer. As it can take 5 minutes or longer to open a web page, or to switch from one email to the next. So I have not had the time to write much lately. So my freelance writing this month is likely to be a big fat $0, as I can't do the work fast enough to ensure that I will get the research done and the articles written within the deadlines, so I have not been able to accept any assignments, which is annoying.
I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far). He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out. He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to. I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace. It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him. The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him. His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to. I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right. Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before. HE is doing great with it though. I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today. I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:
"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.” "
I have written a little bit about the kids schools and my concerns, especially about Josiah (Gonzo seems to be doing very well so far). He is trying so hard to find his place, and it is really stressing him out. He is exhausted by all the walking that he is doing, going from room to room and doing stairs, and is so confused by the many, many differences in rules, expectations, and basic interactions that he encounters in the public school Kindergarten as compared to the protected, much safer feeling he got from the more lenient and accepting private special needs preschool that he used to go to. I see him visibly relax once he has been home about 15 minutes, and feels more at peace. It is GOOD for him to be learning a more age appropriate level of group interaction, but it is not easy for him. The exhaustion on top of that from so much more physical activity adds to the stress, but is also very good for him. His braces seem to be putting a LOT of pressure right above his ankles though, the new hinges (same custom bracing just new hinges, that were put on and ready just before school started don't seem to fit like they used to. I think I will give Glen (his orthopedist) a call and get Jos down to Saratoga to ensure that they are oriented right. Overall though, even with as much walking and such that we did this summer, he is walking more on a daily basis at school than ever before. HE is doing great with it though. I got an email from his PE teacher earlier today. I hope she will not mind if I copy it here:
"I wanted to let you know that Josiah is doing a nice job in PE class. We have been working on various gross motor skills (galloping, skipping, hopping, jumping etc) as well as doing some movement education. Josiah has a very positive attitude and is able to participate in all activities. He is even trying to hop while using his walker. Other students (K and 1st have PE together) are glad to be his partner when we pair up for activities. I appreciate Josiah’s effort and his personality. I find it comical that he refers to me as “The Announcer.” "
This email really made my day, as he has been having a rough time of it in the classroom. They have a red, yellow, green light motif for helping kids (and their parents) gauge their behaviour. His first two days, he had a red light, the 3rd day it was yellow, and last Friday it was green--yippee!! This week, Monday was a red light (he even hit and swore at the Sp Ed teacher, who is one of the kindest people I have ever met). Then Tuesday was a green light, nearly PERFECT day. Then today was a red light. Today he was not feeling well. He woke up with a cough and a stuffy nose, and while he seemed tired, he seemed otherwise okay, so I sent him to school. But his assistant said that he was really irritable all day and wanted to be held (which usually means he is not feeling well). He seemed to get worse as the evening wore on, so he is coming down with something, and I noticed he is having difficulty swallowing, so I think his throat is sore. Even now I can hear him coughing. I have checked on him a few times since putting him to bed and he is sleeping restlessly. So he is definitely coming down with something. I will be keeping him home tomorrow so that he can rest, which means no aquatic PT either as that is now on Thursday evening. He is supposed to have dental surgery next week (this nemesis of a surgery I have been working towards sine July 2010), but if he has a cold or even the hint of a cold, the pulmonary doctor said not to chance the anesthesia (which I totally agree with given his lung issues). So unless he makes a spectacular overnight recovery, I believe we will be canceling next week's surgery, which means another 4-6 month wait, as that is how far out they schedule dental surgery for that office. In some ways that may not be too bad, as he has to go under general anesthesia (GA) in October for a 3 hour MRI of his brain, as the neurosurgeon wants to evaluate how the fluid is moving through his brain as there is the possibility that his hydrocephalus may not be as stable as we thought. So that will give more time between going under GA, which might be safer for him.
I have something to admit, something I am a bit ashamed of--I have to fight myself hard everyday over old preconceived notions about his teacher and assistant, based on experiences from nearly 20 years ago. I pride myself on having an open mind, being patient and kind, and on giving people the benefit of the doubt, and on the desire to forgive people for the mistakes they have made that have hurt me (either directly or through hurting the people I love). I have found that I have a box of old memories, crap that happened 16-20 years ago in regards to these two individuals that are now such an intregal part of my sons life (the old issues are not related so two separate issues with two separate people). I have found that I have to keep checking myself to not let my hurt and fear from those long past experiences cloud my vision and my interactions with them today, in the here and now. I am ashamed to admit that I have held on to old crap, and am seeking a way to forgive pain that is two decades old so that I can see clearly now and be able to give them the benefit of the doubt as they work daily and intensely with one of the most important people in my life, my beloved Josiah. So please take my fears about Kindergarten for my son with a grain of salt and know that I am struggling with separating old from new. And say a prayer for me that this will be a growing experience for me and my spirit as I learn to let go and forgive old grievances....
Overall though, the kindergarten teacher and his assistant (as well as the other people he works with) have been trying very hard. They are definitely not used to a child with his special needs --both physical and behavioral. And many of his behaviors stem from three sources--1) according to the tests done last spring, he is functioning (emotional, social, behavioral) on average at a 24 month level but with some ares much higher (good old standardized tests--make NO sense for a child with brain damage, they only give truly useful information about neurotypical children)--which I had missed when talking with the social worker who did the assessment, as they told me he is doing fine and should do well in Kindergarten with a 1:1 (I just reviewed his IEP again last week); 2) his physical impairment has left him unable to do some of the things the other kids are able to do (write independently, color in the lines, drawn simple shapes, etc...) so he is Very frustrated and I think embarrassed (given the way he hides his face when he is asked about it) that he can't do it, which leads to acting out, trying to be the class clown, or being outright defiant and contrary (I used to call Gonzo my contrary canary, but that can go to Josiah now); and 3) He has Gonzo as his primary kid role model, and he imitates Gonzo's behavior to a "t", something I have tried to talk with him about, and to ask him to watch the other kids and try to do what they do, as it is a great group of kids he is with in Kindergarten, and I think he can find good peer role models there, whereas his brother is NOT a person he should be imitating or learning habits from.
Added to his issues is the fact that the kindergarten teacher is not known for her empathy towards kids with behavioral issues (told to me from other soucres more current than my own memories), and I really try hard to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has grown and matured as an educator from the time that I knew her when she was just starting out and my youngest siblings had her for a teacher (I am 9 and 12 years older than my two youngest siblings, so I was nearly an adult when she was my brother's Kindergarten teacher). I also have a bit of a knee jerk reaction from the experiences we had with Gonzo in Kindergarten (totally different school district over 3 hours from here), which resulted in my pulling him out and homeschooling the second part of Kindergarten (back in our old town). I do not want to homeschool either of the kids, as I really believe that peer and social interaction is vital to their development, and learning to trust and rely on other adults is beneficial to their ability to reach outside themselves and their family for new experiences and growth. However in Gonzo's case he was actually being both emotionally and physically mistreated (we heard from multiple witnesses, none of whom were wiling to speak out publically on that tyrant of a teacher or cross her as those who had suffered greatly I am told). So to protect Gonzo we home schooled him for that second half of Kindergarten, and he did great. This is a different teacher, but I remember clearly some of the things that occurred with my brother and my sister, who at the time were small, young, scared children dealing with the breakup of their parents (something that Josiah and Gonzo are still going through as A and I are still getting settled into our new roles--it takes a few years for life to be stable again after a break up of a family), and the instability that brings. And she had no understanding or compassion for what the kids may be going through emotionally or any understanding that some acting out is because the kids already have stress they are dealing with and when they are trying to conform, but not doing it fast enough or well enough for a particular teacher, the stress becomes more than such a young child can bear. SO while I am sure this teacher has grown and matured in many ways as an educator, I am beginning to wonder if she has learned to have compassion for kids who have struggles that are bigger than trying to figure out how to spell. Josiah has SO much on his plate before he even walks through the door--his physical limitations, his newness to this strict of an environment, his struggles with a very challenging brother at home, his struggles with the shifts his family has had over the past year and a half with the separation of his parents, AND facing a Kindergarten curriculum which for some reason appears to be difficult to adapt to his physical limitations. I know they are trying--trying to meet him where he is, trying to help him find his place in this new world of Kindergarten, trying to figure out how to bring him into the fold and help him find more positive ways to express himself--I DO know they are trying. It is glaringly obvious thought that they are very unaccustomed to working with children who have special needs, as they do not have the patience that is learned from working with children who take longer to do everything. They want him to adjust as quickly as a typical child adjusts, and that is just not possible, life is slower for him, his brain is damaged, it needs to create new pathways as the inate pathways were destroyed during and soon after birth for so many things, not just his motor development. Laying new neurological pathwyas takes time, compassion, and repetition.
Hopefully THEY will allow HIM to teach them a few of the life lessons that he has taught so many people. Hopefully they will have hearts and minds that are open enough to receive the gifts that he can bring to them as they work with him. Hopefully they will find the patience (also called long-suffering, which I understand now) that can be shared and beneficial to all of their future students. Hopefully they will see the diamond in the rough, and be able to nurture and teach him and his classmates. I would love to say that week two has been great, and while I definitely feel better about it than week 1, there is a learning curve--both for him and for them--that is undetermined at this time. I will keep praying, keep communicating, and keep working with him (and them) to help there be more consistency between home and school, so that he can learn faster. He is a resilient little boy, and I want him to grow and shine. I do not want to see his spirit broken like my sister's and my brother's were at such a young age. His spirit can shine, and I have to both protect him AND give these teachers the benefit of the doubt, that 20 years CAN make a difference, and that they now know how to build children up into the students they want to see, rather than tear them down so they submit to what they are told. Good old Harry Chapin's song, which has the following two lines (in different parts of the song) ..."Flowers are Red, green leaves are green, there's no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen....{story here}....There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the rising sun, so many colors in the flowers, and I see every one....". I just keep praying that these teachers see the rainbow and teach the children to see the rainbow, rather than insisting on red flowers in neat rows....
Well, enough about fears, both new and based on really old crap that I did not even realize was hanging out in my subconscious memory...on to a more pleasant note. I have found a steady source of income that allows me to be there when I need to for my kids and has some flexibility built in. I am doing child care again. As per NYS law, I can only have 2 kids (other than my own) in my home with the legally exempt approval I have. To take more children I will have to go through the process of becoming a registered daycare provider. This is something I have thought of doing for a long time now, especially since I WAS a daycare worker and nursery school teacher in CT for 5 years in the 1990's. So I DO know what it i is like to care for multiple small children, and I actually do love it (thought it is exhausting). So I called the Childcare network today and am getting the ball rolling (takes 2-6 months to get licenced). My apartment is really rather small, and with my two and the two I am watching now, it is rather crowded. I did talk to my landlord today about it, and he has some concerns but is quite willing to work with me on it. He and I are both concerned about the neighbors who rents the other half of the duplex, an elderly couple who may not like having multiple kids around. Which would be a problem. I did tell the landlord that I am also considering finding a larger place, a single family home, which would allow me to set up and provide a better space for a daycare. He does not have anything available and thanked me for letting him know that I may be moving. Overall, he was very supportive either way, which is good. With the two I have now, I have the 2 year old 27 hours a week and the 6 year old after school for a total of 10 hours a week. I make about $100 (I know, it is really low, but around here, people really can NOT afford more). So I figure that if I have 4 children over 25 hours a week, I can bring in about $300 a week, which will be enough to live on. If I have time I can continue with the freelance writing (or just go back to free writing), and do little jobs on the side to have additional income. That would be my best bet. I have called on a 4 bedroom house that is for rent, and am waiting to hear back from the owner as to whether they would allow me to run a family home daycare in their rental (I would pay the liability and daycare insurance of course). If they are willing and accept me as a tenant, then I will be able to get the business up and running faster, which would be good.
So if anyone wants to send up some prayers, please do so, for Josiah's kindergarten to work out well all around, for Gonzo to continue to do well in his schoool setting, for me to be able to let go, for provision for my family (I would be grateful if you can donate even a quarter or a dollar to my family's basic needs if you wish by clicking on the box at the top of the right hand column), prayers for finding the right space for us to live and run this daycare center, and prayers that everything falls into place as it should.
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