Day 54--the kids are stressed......ughhh

So today, the kids had a good day at school AND it was payday, so I took the kids out for ice cream after school.  G and I shared a banana split (as they are on special this week at Stewart's), but J did not want it, so he got a little dish of rainbow sherbet instead.  They were very good at the shop and seemed to be in good moods until we got home.  Then J threw a tantrum about G beating him into the house (as J can't walk, it is up to me to make sure he has a fair shot at winning if they are racing), but they were not racing, they were just getting out of the car.  But he threw a conniption anyway.  He was easy to bring out of it by talking to our cat, Horus, who was waiting on the side of the driveway meowing at us.  Then we came in and they wanted to play Monkey Ball on the game cube, and as it was 4:00, I told them go ahead (video games are limited to 4-5pm, as they were getting addicted).  They were playing and G kept jumping erratically in a very small space almost landing on J many times.  I kept telling him that if he wanted to jump he needed to move to the other side of J where there was more space.  Four times I said it, and finally I just picked him up and moved him over to where it was safe for him to jump.  And he had a TOTAL meltdown... full blown teary sobbing....when I asked him what was wrong he said he wanted to win but J won. However he kept playing and within seconds he was fine again... 

Some days I feel like I live in the twilight zone.....

Day 26--What a glorious day!!

The sun is shining, the snow is melting, the pond is over half way clear of ice, and I had a WONDERFUL time walking around the pond this morning (5 laps again so over a 1.3 miles).  I was able to do a walking meditation, some prayer, and repeated, life building affirmations.  So I started out well.

I then came to the library and have worked on filing an application for a bio/phar freelance writer (which will hopefully give me a somewhat steady work flow for writing assignments if I get accepted).  Now I am just updating this blog. 

I have actually not eaten anything yet today.  That is very odd since I am always a breakfast eater, and here it is nearly lunch time and I have only had water.  So I need to go remedy that.  I had to use my computer to check bank balances as I was out of yogurt and stuff to bring with me, and with my normal large monthly check arriving today, I am eeking out the last of the month's money until I can get the mail and put it in the bank.  Also G's CSE meeting is this afternoon, and a is picking up the kids.  I was actually going to try to take the afternoon and evening for myself, but I have to go home to the post office and the bank in order to get the money in.  So I won't be finding some event down here in the city, oh well...

Day 14--hair cuts, hydrocephalus, and Anticipating tomorrow's weigh in

Well, the evening went alright.  I had to give G a hair cut as his hair was just getting out of control.  I had figured I would do a simple trim with scissors, but alas G has  LOT of sensory issues with his head.  The joys of autism....

So what was going to be a quick trim before bath turned in to a full blown hair cut with the clippers because he moved at the wrong moment while I was trimming and ended up with a nearly bald spot.  So then, it was a bit of a wrestling match to get him to sit and calm down so that I could quickly buzz the sides and back of his hair and then a backwards buzz on top to keep the top a little longer, like he likes it.  It came out nice, but it takes SO MUCH out of both of us to do a full hair cut.  He is okay with the clippers as long as they have a guard on, but terrified of them when I have to take the guard off to clean up the back  neck area and his side burns (for an eight year old he has the most amazing side burns--and always has).  He is getting better as he gets older, as it used to take one person to hold him and the other person to quickly buzz his hair.  We had a friend/neighbor who owns a beauty shop and she was really good with him, though even there we had to double team him.  He now will sit fairly still, and let you do it, as he is realizing that it will be done faster that way.  But the tickling hair makes his squirm too, more that most people would.  Over all though we got a good hair cut and then he got int he shower, which helped get all of the little bits of hair off.

J asked me if I would cut his hair too, but I told him that I am out of energy and I would do his hair later this week.  His hair does need a cut, but where G's hair is straw straight like my own (must be the shared Native American blood in us), J's hair is made up of those amazing little, tight spring curls as he is mostly African American.  So doing J's hair requires more energy, creativity, and slow work than buzzing G's hair off.  And as J does sit patiently while you work on his hair, I enjoy taking the time to think about what style would be good for him.  I am really tempted to grow it longer and see what we can do with it, but it is already getting very difficult to pick out each morning, as it forms mats overnight. But both boys have amazing hair.  G's is actually darker than J's hair.  G has jet black straight hair, and J has dark brown curls.

I had a little cry tonight after the kids went to sleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.  I hate it when the kids are sick, it brings back memories of sitting by J's hospital bed during our numerous ICU stays when he was a baby) and wondering if he was going to make it.  I had a moment of that tonight, because even though he is getting through this cold/sinus/URI, his temperament has been really off--very moody, very changeable--it makes me worry about his hydrocephalus.  I have been trying to find a neurosurgeon closer to here, as his neurosurgeon that did his original surgery and that we have had do all the follow ups is now 8 hours away.  So, now that I am 99% sure we are staying here at least for a few years, I think it is time to find a neurosurgeon closer to follow J.  I had done some initial contact over teh last few months, but have yet to set anything up. Last year's appointment showed a possible increase in ventricle size, but he was showing no symptoms, so the doc recommended that we seek out someone who specializes in static hydrocephalus to follow him.  I have worked on that some (it is not a common speciality). I think I will be working on that more tomorrow, to get him an updated CT scan and in to see a new neurosurgeon.  He should not be this moody, even when sick he is usually not moody.  And as personality changes, particularly moodiness, is an early warning sign of increased pressure, I am feeling very strongly the need to have him checked out.

I did sit by his bed and pray over him for healing for a while. So I feel confident that the Spirit will lead me to the right people for him.  So tomorrow will be productive in that direction.

It is now time to head to bed.  I will just update the food journal as to what rounded out my day....

Dinner was Tuna Helper (generic brand) doctored up with left over veggies and some extra pasta.
And my evening snack was 1/2 sleeve of whole wheat crackers with cream cheese.
And I had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in, it should be interesting...

Day 14--enjoying my weekend

It has been a good weekend with the kids.  We have been taking it very easy as we are all still a little under the weather, but improving.  Today I spent some time creating a second blog that is connected to my website powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com .  I have been working on creating more of an attitude of gratitude to overide some of the negativity in my life, and I decided I would do that publicly now, but on a seperate blog as the focus is very specific.  So I will be blogging a daily gratitude list on my blog called Daily Gratitude.  You go to my website and click on the Daily Gratitude link at the top.

The kids are napping, well J is napping and G is in bed watching a video and resting. I am going to be listening to one of the Healing with the Masters audio call that I missed earlier this week.  If you are interested in healing you should check out this teleseminar series, it is completely free, and I am loving that I can go back and listen to it even if I can't be on the call itself each week. 

Okay so food journal for today so far:
breakfast at 7:30am--bowl of All Bran Strawberry medley with skim milk, and a cup of tea
mid-morning snack 10:00am--2 pieces of toast with PB and honey and a cup of tea and glass of water (well 3rd glass of water for today)
lunch at 1:30pm--refried beans with cheese and taco sauce on a tortilla (x2), and water, then some whole wheat crackers with the remaining refried beans and cheese after everyone was done with lunch.
snack 3:15pm--bowl of corn flakes with skim milk and cup of tea

I'll write more later as I want to listen to the teleseminar call I missed before the boys wake up.

Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!

Well, now everyone is sick.  I am not too bad just exhausted.  G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G).  By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped.  So I called the school and let them know he was not coming.  Then we turned around and headed home.  You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would?  Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.

So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash).  Anyway, we came home.  I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car.  I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent).  Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him. 

When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment.  I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses.  It would probably be easier on them.  He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money.  SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100).  Anyway, that is something A is thinking about.  I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing.  It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries?  Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door?  or will it be always a "see, you can take me back?  See we are great together?"  and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...).  So, well it is something to think about.  And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it".  Those are MY worries about the situation.  The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space.  All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games.  And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids.  It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this. 

Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00.  J's appetite is finally back.  I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water.  I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast. 

A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest.  I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day.  G has been playing Harry Potter.  My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy.  But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.

This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).

I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.

Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?

***WARNING: RANT BELOW******

(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))

Today has started off quite difficult.  I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school.  After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness).  He insisted that he waited to go to school.  I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday.  but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all.  So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too. 

So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go?  And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough.  And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go.  So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me?  we could watch movies and play games."  And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games.  As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate.  But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him.  Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc...  But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?]. 

I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself.  And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much.  This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to.  When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day. 

And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too"  To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling).  So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him).  Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before  I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....). 

It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state.  (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much.  My issue is the method and rational used  to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself).  And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games.  If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him". 

Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness.  Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH.  But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.

If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine.   But on the drive here A called first just to say hi.  I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay.  10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything." 
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking?  when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal." 
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
 A:"yeah" 
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....

Then another call, 10 more minutes later:

 A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot." 
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up." 
A:"no, its green snot" 
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"

A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be.  You are not the only one that would like to rest.  My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and  my sinuses are clogged and painful.  And I had a fever last night.  So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip.  But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day.  What good would that do?  I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work.  So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you  mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school.  its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?!  You don't NEED me, you've made that clear.  You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice  (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"

And I hung up.  I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is.  So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010.  To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event.  I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk.  I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap.  So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.

We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either.  It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single.  A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.

 But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with.  Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship.  I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell.  Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile.  I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends.  I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids.  but A can't see it.  A is not a bad person at all.  A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.

And I am understanding that.  This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream.  I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years.  I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate.  That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving.  So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith.  So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me. 

You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation.  If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work?  Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.

I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus.  And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)).  By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed.  Oddly, I do feel better, calmer,  Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better.  It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much.  The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing.  I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life.  Now I think I can get down to doing some work....

Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...

Day 10--It's only Wednesday, but i'm beat

It feels like it should be Friday.  Why am I so tired this week.  Perhaps it is my awesome immune system fighting off whatever the germ is that has J laid up (though he has done well today, rested a lot and still has a cough, butno fever, so  I think he is ready to go back to school tomorrow).  G though fell asleep AT SCHOOL for like an hour today.  He has not shown signs of a cough or fever, but that is very odd of him, especially since he got a good nights sleep last night.  He was looking mighty pale this evening--usually his skin tone is a light tan color, but tonight he was whiter than A is (and A is very pale Irish). So I asked A to come by in the morning again in case G needs to stay home, as I will be taking J to school tomorrow. Anyway, I have had a mild cough for about 5 days now, but no fever.  So my body has been successfully fighting whatever it is.  I think that is why I am so tired...

 Anyway, my meals after getting home.  Lets see. I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk for a mid afternoon snack.  For dinner we had the corned beef, cabbage, and potato dinner that I had planned on cooking last week that never panned out.  So I had corned beef, cabbage (lots of cabbage, I love cabbage), and potatoes with a large glass of water.  And right now I am eating an evening snack of a 1/2 bowl of raisin bran with milk.

I will have more water before I go to bed, but thats it, I am done.  Maybe I'll make a cup of herbal tea and watch a movie, it has been a long time since I watched a movie....  Sleep well all.

Day 9--A day at home

Well, I am having one of those rare days at home.  J is sick, he has a fever around 101.4 and his cough is not good, so he got his inhaler earlier when he woke up at 6:30 (or rather when I woke him up to get ready for school and discovered his cold turned into something more), and he had some juice and went back to sleep.  My mother was roused from her bed this morning to come stay with J while I took G to school.  I was back in time for her to only be a few minutes late for work.  I would have had A come over, as J is A's son too, but alas my father's phone is shut off right now, so there was no way to reach A (boy do I miss living in an area where cell phones actually work at times like these).  Anyway, J is still sleeping.  I just replaced a cup of watered juice next to him as he drank most of what I gave him earlier--rest and fluids are what's needed, right.  I think I will be keeping him home tomorrow, as the guidelines say he has to be fever free for 24 hours before returning, and also because fighting it seems to be taking all his energy, so he is going to need a day to recoup tomorrow.  I am to the doctor's at 2:00pm today.  Hopefully A will be here by them so one of us can go pick up G and the other can take J to the doctor, as the timing is bad. 

Anyway, So I am home.  I have been cleaning up the kitchen and working on some articles.  J did wake up while Iwas writing this and I have changed his clothes, given him a neb treatment and some more watered juice, and he is laying in bed watching a movie. 

I stopped at Stewart's after dropping G off at school this morning and grabbed a large coffee with half & half and a little sugar, an eggwich (egg, sausage, cheese on a hard roll), and a bottle of water, then headed home.  So kind of a heavier breakfast.  For lunch (as it is now after 12:00) I had a can of Light Beef PotRoast soup by Progresso with some crackers.  And a cup of water.

J is NOT going to the doctor.  A stopped in to get ready for work (long story, but A always gets ready for work here), and said they had changed the schedule and had to go in for 2pm instead of 3pm, and swapping days off from Tuesday to Thursday as they have someone else out.  So since I have leave at 1:45 to get G, there is no one to take J to the doctor.  I am not sure it would do any good, as I had been on the fence about it.  Most likely what he has is a virus, and there is nothing they can do to speed up recovery, especially since he has a normal level fever and his cough has not been around for long.  I just like to cover all my bases as with his CP and lung issues, sometimes illness works on his body differently than it does a typical kid.  But I also hate taking him to the doctors office as there are a lot of germs and other illness there that he can be exposed to, as the CP and CLD already lower his immunity, going in already sick, he is likely to pick up ANYTHING he contacts.  So it is probably for the best.  The nebulizer treatment helps so I am just trying to find someone to come sit with him while I go pick up G.  But if I have to bundle him up and put him in the car for a little ride, I think he will be okay.

Well, I should go, I have been intermittently working on this post for a few hours now, so it is time to publish it.  Oh, I just talked to my sister and her kids are both sick with what appears to be the flu.  At the place she works, many of the residents have come down with a Type A influenza (one not covered by this year's flu shot), and it has the same symptoms that her kids have and a number of other people in town have, and it sounds like what J has, so he may be out for a few days, as his cousin has had it since Friday and still has not gone back to school yet.

So---Yuck!

Day 8--fairly uneventful

So this day has been fairly uneventful, which has been nice.  After writing and such at the library I headed over to pick up J from school.  He has a bit of a cold and a dry cough, so I was a little worried about him--still am, as with his lung  issues a cold can sometimes turn into something worse quickly.  though this year we have been incredibly fortunate, as the couple of times I took him to the doctor, they said it was just a cold.  And he has recovered within a few days after that.  So hopefully it is just a little cold and with fluids and rest, he will be able to continue his daily routine and continue to get well.  His immune system seems to be getting stringer every year.  This is a blessing from God that I am truly thankful for.

For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas.  Oh, and a bottle of water.  I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.

Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library)  I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep.  I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect.  So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home.  And A was able to get to work on time.

The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere.  Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer.  But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out.  So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation.  I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here.  Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him.  Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it.  I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then. 

So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat.  But to no avail, not even a mew was heard.  So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it. 

Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet).  After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week.  So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel.  I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch.  His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole.  I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out.  He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in. 

the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually).  I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.

At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).

I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night.  We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy.  I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids.  J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it.  maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them.  But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future.  Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...

Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes.  This cold is kicking my butt...

Day 6--Weird day...

I can't go into all the weirdness of the day, but I wanted to make good on my promise to myself to publicly journal my eating.  So at nearly 12:30 at night (technically day 7, but reporting day 6)...

Breakfast--reheated coffee with half and half and 1 sugar around 8am
A's sister wanted to take us all out for breakfast, so I had coffee and the kids had a light breakfast of cereal as we were going to meet for breakfast between 9-10am

However they slept in and did not call until after 10:45am, so around 9:45 the kids and I had a banana each.
at 11:20am we met for brunch at the diner
I had 2 eggs over medium with 2 sausage patties and 2 pieces of rye toast with butter, and a cup of coffee and a glass of water.  I also shared some of A's home fries.

After brunch A's sister headed home for her 4 hour drive.  And we came back to my house.  A had to leave for work at 2:00, but got to hang out with the boys and play some video games.

I had a bowl of Kid's Peanut Butter Crunch (like generic capt crunch) with milk around 3:00pm, and the kids had a cereal snack as well (they seem to be addicted to dry cereal sometimes).  They also had some slim jim type snack sticks (the tiny ones) and I had a small portion of Ziti.

 Mom stopped by and we had coffee as well around 4:00pm.

Oddly we ate dinner late, around 7:00pm.  We had some of the ziti that was left over from last night and G ate some of the meatballs.  After dinner, the kids had peaches for their snack, and after they went to bed, I had a piece of left over birthday cake.

Then, instead of blogging or writing, or doing ANYTHING productive, I sat down to check out G's new video game--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  A's niece (adult) sent birthday gifts up with A's sister for G as it was his birthday last week.  So G had presents from his aunt and his 2 cousins (the lawyer and the doctor--pretty amazing family to have two young ladies (still in their 20's) already with high degrees, and a son in college studying prelaw--A's sister is amazing).

So one of the gifts G got was this new video game, and I like to play them ahead so that when the kids get stuck, Mom knows what to do.  most of their games are really simple s(as they are 4 and 8) so I don't really play them too much ahead, as I can figure them out as they go along if the kids get stuck.  But this one was a little more complex,so I wanted to get through a few levels.  Which is why from about 9:00pm until 12:30am I have been sucked into the game....

And now I am eating another bowl of cereal with milk, and have emptied almost 3/4 of a 2 liter bottle of seltzer water throughout the evening.  And I am exhausted and ready for bed.  I know, I actually have a rule about eating after like 9:00pm, but I broke that rule tonight.  It is definitely time for sleep, after I let the dog in so she does not turn into a doggie Popsicle.  I was so happy with the spring weather this past week.  It is now quite cold again and was spitting snow earlier.  however I have seen geese flying overhead, have had to dodge squirrels and chipmunks on the roads, and the dog has been finding a lot to bark at.  I believe that spring has officially and literally begun (and these last few cold blasts over the next month will just have to be tolerated...)

Happy Spring, and Good night...

Day 4--When you want to pull your hair out, but would rather not be bald...

So yeah...the mess from last night was still waiting for me when I woke up.  No little fairy gnomes had come in and scrubbed the house while I slept.  You'd think at least the cats and dog would pitch in once in while....but alas they do not appreciate me (throws head back indignantly)

So got the kids to schools, and headed BACK home (I look forward to when  school isn't over 50 miles away).  I did not bring my breakfast with me, which was a dangerous oversight as I really need to eat by 9am, and when I am hungry I am not good with temptation.  I stopped at McDonald's on the way and got a sausage mcmuffin with egg, hash brown, and small orange juice.  I went to the bank on the way home and got quarters for laundry, then stopped at the old trailer, where a lot of my stuff is still stored.  And climbed a good 8 foot snowbank and trudged through thigh deep snow (took nearly 10 minutes to get to the door, and without snow it is only about 15-20 steps from where I parked to the door) to get in and retrieve my bigger vacuum cleaner, which I have been meaning to get but my little one has been fine, but has no beater bar.  With the sand making the living room feel like a beach, I figured I'd need to beater bar.    So after climbing back across the deep snow and huge snowbank, I went home.

First I threw in a load of towels in the washer.  When you have to dry off with a little hand towel (especially when you are as big as me) you REALLY need to wash some towels.  So, I got those going and then started in on cleaning up the kitchen (dishes, counters, stove).  I swept the floor and then straightened up the living room.  Then came the fun part. 

The big vacuum has been sitting alone in the trailer for 8 months with no heat or power or anything.  It was NOT emptied prior to our leaving (leaving was a LONG story, as is why so much of my stuff, stuff that I actually use) is over there still).  So first I emptied it, and was surprised by how much dog hair was in it.  Well, the other dog (we used to have two but when I left A I found a good home for the big one and took the little one with me as A wanted her, but alas has not been able to take her).  Anyway after that, I tried to get the beater bar to turn, but it would not budge.  So I spent time with WD40 and got it to turn again, but it was sticking at one end.  I got part of the floor vacuumed and she stopped spinning again.  So I again took it apart, and unstuck the one side again.  And round and round we went, the vacuum and I, until I finally gave up and got out the little vacuum.  I think I got most of the really sandy spot with the big vac before giving up, but I really want to use the big one just to get a deeper vacuuming done.  I will have to order a new beater bar, again.  This will be the second beater bar for this vacuum in the last 7 years (it was bought used).  The end of the bar actually melts and then shatters apart on the inside.  You can still hodge podge it to make it work, but it takes frequent resetting to get it to work.

So, by the time I finished tinkering with the vacuum and then finishing the living room, it was time to leave and get the kids.  I had a cup of mac and cheese (not box) for lunch, and snacked on a handful of almonds and a cheese stick on the drive, along with a bottle of water. 

Both boys had a good day at school, and it was an easy ride home, aside from the fact that one of Josiah's braces is hurting him.  I need to get back to the ortho so we can get the brace adjusted a bit.  So I did have to stop on the way and take off his braces to give him some relief.

When we got back, I switched the laundry ( I can never seem to keep up with it).  Then I tried talking with the boys about what went on last night (why they didn't eat dinner, why they trashed the house, why they did not go to bed when it was bed time, etc...)  I am still just blown away by how out of control they were last night, that is usually not like them.  J at least had some answers, not good ones, but at least could give me some reasons for his behavior, but over all his behavior was not that bad.  It was G that emptied the book shelf and pummeled the guitar with the videos, and G that dumped bags of sand all over the house.  It would be different if he had been doing sand art and gotten it everywhere, but he was not doing art, he was literally opening the bags and flipping them in the air multiple times.  there was sand on top of the TV, all over the couch and chair, on top of all the shelves, probably in the fish tank even.  G has a tendency to destroy things for the sake of destroying them.  I have yet to find a plausible explanation for some of the times when he has completely destroyed a toy or a game (ripping cards in half, pealing all of the decals off the game boards, smashing his Nintendo control on the floor until it fell apart (we went through 3 before I started making him discard his own destroyed toys and did not replace them (but Santa did bring more controllers one year).  Anyway, I was trying to work through what had actually happened, like where Grandpa was and what he was doing while G was destroying the house, and why G did not go to bed at 8:00 when he knows the routine, or why he refused to eat dinner....

And G kept giving me the run around (he does have trouble answering questions in anything like a way that makes sense, but usually I can piece what he says together and get a good sense of what happened and why he made the choices he did.  But after 45 minutes of G's circles round and round the issue, I was ready to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street, but instead I told him to just go play in his room and I went out to fold laundry in the living room--twitch, twitch, twitch.....

So, I am just trying to let go of last night, and move on.  It just gets under my skin when there is senseless destruction, especially of a project that could have been a lot of fun to do together.  So now I just made a frozen pepperoni Pizza and rinsed off some grapes.  Not a stellar dinner for the kids and I but it works.  This has been an exhausting week for some reason. 

Tomorrow is A's birthday and while we are no longer a couple, no one else was planning anything for A and turning 50 is a big deal. Most woman I know over 50 tell me that 50 is like a new start to life, life begins anew at 50.  I will trust them on that as I am a mere 36, so it will be a while before I know if that is my own experience. But 50 is an important time, so a party is always in order. So I invited most of my family and A's family to come to dinner tomorrow night.  I have to bake a cake to night and J has an appointment tomorrow, but if A can pick up G from school it should all work out.  I just have to make sure I have everything ready tonight, so I can just cook it tomorrow, and have my mom, and step dad, my father, my brother, one of my sisters and her two kids, myself and the kids, A's sister is going to come out for the night (she lives 5 hours away), and me--so that's 12 people in my little house (less than we had for G's b-day last week when we had the family party as my other sister with her 4 kids is not coming).  So 12 people, a small corned beef and cabbage with a baked Ziti to supplement so that everyone gets enough to eat (I couldn't afford a corned beef big enough to really feed that many people, hence the ziti).  As A is Irish and today is St. Patrick's Day, I figured that as long as everyone can have a little bit of the traditional Irish meal, everyone would be happy.    But I do have to bake a cake and decorate it tonight, and I want to clean the bathroom and fold all the clean laundry before I go to bed too.  So it is going to be yet another late night. 

Well, I need to get the kids in the bath, so I am signing off for the night (unless I decide to hop on later, which well, you never do know right?  Blogging is fun, i wonder if anyone is actually reading it....I need to get one of those little ticket things that tracks page views.  G-night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bites (nasty that they have made a come back isn't it...)

Day 3--What a ride!

Okay, so today has been absolutely insane.  First I slept through my snooze alarm, 4 times this morning, waking up at 6:50 (we have to be out the door by 7:10 to be on time.  So it was a very rushed morning, the kids were a few minutes late to school.

For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar. 

The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper).  I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT).  On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.

The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which  made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good.  He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her.  he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too.  He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket).  He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting.  He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay. 

From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday.  So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that).  So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself.  So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck.  I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her.  She really is a great teacher.  If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her. 

After that, we needed to go get G.  As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries.  Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court.  I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G.  So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.

We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home.  On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father.  He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later.  Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids.  A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for).  It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month.  I was able to get  lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education.  I now know what I can and can not ask for.  I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions.  So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children).  I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J.  So overall a very productive evening. 

Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned.  My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting).  I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.

Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm).  But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed.  My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him.    G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn).  G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies.  G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE.  It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet.  In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm.  I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies.  I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas.  I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better.  I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior.   I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out. 

I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father.  I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him.  So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention.  he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now.  Oh well.  My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day.  Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed.  I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow.  Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish.  So  for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American.  So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean.  (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).

Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!.  I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly.  I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction.  Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt.  It was such a good evening until I got home.  Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...

Day 2--mid day posting, some rambling, some food to report

Okay so a somewhat productive  morning, but I did spend some time discussing pi vs tau with my best friend from college.  Pi is my favorite mathematical constant, and there is a bit of a movement to use tau instead of pi when teaching about geometry, as tau=2pi (sorry for the lack of actual symbols).  Anyway, it was an interesting (and short) discussion of that amazing constant pi.  I guess it could be considered productive, as it brought some joy and fun to my morning, and joy is ALWAYS a step in the right direction.  So, revise my initial statement--I had a productive morning!!

Anyway, I got accepted into writing for Writers Access as a freelance level 3 writer, so I will be able to get some assignments through them for some income.  It takes a while to get a freelance writing gig up to the point that it can support a family.  I am hoping by the end of June to have built my reputation and skills up enough to actual bring in a decent income.  So being accepted at a level 3 (out of 5) is a good step, as it gives me chance to build up to a five, and thus have access to more lucrative assignments.  If I can get a few more freelance places to accept me, I should be able to build up to the point of not needing to get another source of outside income by the time this transportation gig ends in mid-August.  I will continue to write for Associated Content now that I have gotten back into it, and will continue to update my website (www.powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com) and this blog, as those I do for me, and doing things like contributing to the world by sharing my life, insights, and ideas brings me great joy and increases my overall wellbeing, so that is more important than the income in the long run.  (Don't get me wrong, making sure I can support my family is extremely important).

Okay so, now for the food journaling for the mid portion of the day.  For lunch I had a bottle of water, a 12 oz container of my homemade chicken and rice with white beans and carrots soup, and 2 cheese sticks. I had to eat the soup cold because I have nowhere to heat it up, but it was still tasty even cold.  I also had a handful of salty almonds for a snack.

After picking up J and heading for G's school, I was reminded that I am not a good mother sometimes.  You see, Sunday was G's b-day party, which we had at party palace in the mall.  J likes to ride on those little machines you put the quarters in at the mall, and he had asked if he could ride the helicopter.  I told him that on the way out we would stop if we had time, and he could ride the helicopter.  Well, by the time we got out of the party palace, we were running late, as A was riding with us and had dropped the Jeep off at work, so that we could all ride together, and A had to be to work soon after the party.  So we had to drop A off at work and there was no time for him to ride.  I promised him that after I picked him up from school on Monday, we would stop over at the mall and he could ride the helicopter before picking up G (we have a spare 20 minutes in addition to travel time that we can use, and J's school is very  near the mall).  Scatter brained as I can be sometimes, I forgot all about it on Monday, and I think he did too until after dinner when he brought it up.  I told him to remind me for today, and that I was very sorry that I forgot.  Well this morning on the way to school he reminded me about the helicopter, and I filed it away in my brain sure I would remember.  But alas when I picked him up from school, i forgot again.  We headed out and got on the highway.  20 minutes later as we are getting off the highway, he asks me if we are almost to the helicopter.  My heart broke, he trusted that that is where we are going as he HAD reminded me in the morning.  And by that time, we did not have time to go back down and get back in time to pick G up from school.  When I told him this and apologies profusely for breaking my promise, he looked so sad.  Not that temper tantrum kind of sad, or that bratty screaming sad.  This was real, heartfelt, sad disappointment.  He accepted it, but I feel like I lost his trust, and that makes me feel very ashamed.  Never promise a child something unless you can carry through, broken promises can hurt for a long, long time.  And the loss of trust lasts even longer.  I will take him to the helicopter tomorrow; I can't believe I forgot today again.  But I could see it in his eyes, it will take some work on my end to get him to trust what I promise again.  I try to be very careful with that, and this time I blew it.  I pray that he can forgive me and learn again to trust that what i say i am going to do is what I am going to do.  Well, I have to make dinner for the us, I'll blog briefly again later.

A history of how I got to where I am (and why a new beginning is so important)

So now that you know my goal for the near future, let me tell you a bit about who I am and how I got to where I am today--ready to share with a whole world of strangers the next phase of my journey in life.

I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.

In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.

We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.

Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.

In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.

By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.

By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.

To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.

So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.

Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.

A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.

However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.

Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.

We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.

So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.

So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!

The new beginning

Okay, so you may be wondering why someone would detail their weight loss, documenting first how large I REALLY am and my struggle to lose weight. Why wouldn't I just wait until I have actually LOST the weight and then come back and tell you all about it. Well, the journey up to this grand weight was not quick or walked alone, and the journey back down should not be either.

First I should share with you where I am starting from, a little bit about this crazy lady who will be blogging about what I eat daily and both my successes and my failures. I am 36 years old at the start of this blog. I weight a grand total of 305 pounds (weight will be checked later today so i can change this to a more accurate exact weight). I am 5'9" tall. My ultimate weight goal is 150lbs, which would be an ideal weight for me. But they all say you should break down your weight loss goals, so I have chosen 80 pounds as my first BIG milestone. Yes, I know I should have chosen a smaller goal, or a longer time frame. My sister, who is a registered dietitian, has a PhD in nutrition, and is a researcher and college professor in nutrition would probably flay me for setting a goal of a pound a day. But I doubt she will read this blog, so I think I am safe from her sisterly (and scholarly) tongue lashing (gotta duck and cover sometimes).

So, why now? Why this way? Well, one reason is that I have 2 sons, amazing little boys they are. My youngest will be turning 5 this summer (my oldest just turned 8 this week), and my little guy has cerebral palsy. Other than being physically challenged, he is a normal, active, social, bright 4 year old. I want him to be able to experience all of the things I loved as a child in addition to all of his other experiences. I want him to know what it is like to climb a mountain, and my first memories of going up Chimney Mountain (in the Adirondacks) is from when I was about the age he is now. So my goal is to carry him on my back up that mountain this summer (with my other son of course and probably my father and my sister and her kids, and maybe the whole extended fam damily. To do this, I need to drop around 80 pounds so that I can be fit enough to climb the mountain with a 40 pound kid on my back.

So I am starting this blog to keep a running record of this journey, this goal. It is about so much more than achieving a healthy weight. I also want to stabilize my blood sugar, increase my overall health, rebuild a healthy sense of community connections, rebuild friendships, and reconnect with God and the Spiritual path that I seem to have lost along the way. I hope you will find inspiration and enjoyment through reading this story as it unfolds...