The munchies are driving me crazy today, which is not good when you are trying to drop pounds. i can not say that I have had much success in controlling the munchies. It is a little after 4:00 as I write this. Today (between 7:30am and now) I have had:
1 bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with skim milk
3 pieces of toast with butter and honey
1 1/2 bowls of oatmeal with brown sugar (not instant, cooked on stove)
3 hot dogs with bread and mustard
1/2 a sleeve of wheat crackers with cream cheese on them
3 cups of water and 2 cups of tea
So I have been grazing all day.
I will be signing my title over Monday to the auto salvage people. My old Ford Taurus Wagon will be going on to a new life. She still starts great, but the transmission is completely gone, like its not even there, so you can start it but it can't go anywhere. i knew it was going for a while, but about 6 weeks ago I was driving J to school and it just dropped out of gear and that was it... No more motion, forward, backward, nothing.
I was greatly blessed within a week to have been lead to another Ford Taurus (not a wagon so harder to transport J's wheelchair, but it works) which I got an INCREDIBLE deal on. And other than needed a new pair of tires soon and an alignment (and for some reason the check engine light came on this week), it is running GREAT. I had been meaning to cannibalize the old Ford as I had put a lot into her, but alas the newer Taurus is quite different, they changed both body and engine somewhere between them, not even the tires are the same size, which is crazy making as I have a brand new tire on the old car, as one blew and I had to get it replaced immediately about 2 weeks before it died.. AND i don't have time to pull it all apart and try to figure out what will be a good fit.
Since I am out of funds for gas to get back and forth this week and have multiple days where I need to add an additional 100-200 miles a day this week, I am hurting for money. So it is time to sell the old car (I will miss her, she was a great car) for a couple hundred dollars and give it to the gas gods.
Anyway I will write more later, I am still not feeling up to par, and while I have a lot to say, I am not up to writing right now.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 12--darn germs, darn them all to heck!!
Well, now everyone is sick. I am not too bad just exhausted. G was home this morning but I wanted to see if J would be okay to go to school, so we headed out (A came over to be with G). By the time we got about 3/4 of the way there, J's eyes were glassy and he was coughing and his energy level had dropped. So I called the school and let them know he was not coming. Then we turned around and headed home. You know when you have been sick and you still don't feel great, but if you get up, get ready, and head out, a lot of times you start feeling better than you thought you would? Well that was what I was hoping for with J (and myself frankly), but alas, a bit more time to rest and recoup is at hand.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
So we went to the bank to deposit some money to cover a check I wrote yesterday (I hate doing that--sending the check before the cash is in the bank, but oh well, I figure it will take a day or two to get to the place, so I had time as I was depositing cash). Anyway, we came home. I have been low on food and low on cash (waiting for a couple of checks that seem to be taking way too long in coming and playing phone tag with people in my effort to find out where they may be). I called community action to get a food box, then loaded trash and recyclables in the car. I got stuck in the driveway, so had to get the landlord to come sand and help push me out (the landlord was already there with a couple of painters to paint the other half of the duplex which is for rent). Then I headed out,dropped the trash and recyclables off at the transfer center, and went to community action to pick up a food box for us and a food box for my Dad's house that A can take over to him.
When I came back A helped me unload the boxes and the landlord came up to A and apologised for not recognizing A the other day when greeted, as A had contacted him once about an apartment. I was saying that originally A had thought of renting the other half of the duplex, then the kids would be able to go from one home to the other with out having truly separate houses. It would probably be easier on them. He asked why A didn't take it, and A said it was just too much money. SO the landlord offered the apartment to A for $200 less (or we could have a lower flat rate for the house and each pay half, which would lower my rent by $100). Anyway, that is something A is thinking about. I am not sure now if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. It would be good for the kids, I still think that the more they can feel like they have access to both parents the better, but will A respect my boundaries? Will I have the peace and be shown the respect that I would want if A lives next door? or will it be always a "see, you can take me back? See we are great together?" and then all the crap that our NOT healthy relationship was could be there a lot (bickering, fighting, A drinking, etc...). So, well it is something to think about. And can A pay that PLUS utilities or will I be forever hearing "help, my electric is getting shut off." or "can you cover this month's rent, I don't have it". Those are MY worries about the situation. The pros are that the kids would have one big home with both parents while A and I each have our own space. All of the kids toys would be here and we would not have to worry about whose house should have which of the big toys, videos, or games. And if one of us needed to run to to the store or to the dump or something, the other would be here to watch the kids. It is very handy, I know because when i first moved here my sister lived int he other side of the duplex, and both being single moms with two kids, it was extremely helpful to share a house like this.
Anyway, after that I put away the food and made mac and cheese and hot dogs for the kids for lunch at 11:00. J's appetite is finally back. I had some box mac and cheese and a hot dog as well for lunch with a cup of water. I had not had any breakfast aside from a cup of coffee with cream and sugar, which is odd as I usually need breakfast.
A laid down in my bedroom to sleep as with taking care of the kids, A has not gotten a lot of rest. I laid down with J after lunch so he would take a nap, and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes--which is rare for me to do int eh middle of the day. G has been playing Harry Potter. My sinuses are driving me nuts and making me sleepy. But I am finally on the computer and will hopefully get an article or two written before J wakes up.
This afternoon around 3:00 I had a bowl of cereal (all bran strawberry medley) with skim mil and 2 pieces of toast with butter (so its like I ate my breakfast after lunch).
I'll write more late...oh J is awake, so probably no more computer time for a while.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
day 11--a post before bed
LONG evening with A....too much to talk about but I do feel like I had really good self control and instead of getting defensive I just accepted that A feels what A feels, and our perceptions differ. But it is late, I spent some time reading "damn you auto correct" which is one of the funniest sites on earth, so i use it for a solid belly laughing pick me up when I need it.
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
As for meals/food:
Lunch was a can of veg beef soup (condensed) with luke water water to uncondense it (not all that appetizing, but what I had).
When I got home at 3:30 (after such a savory lunch) I was hungry and made a bowl of cream of wheat hot cereal with a teaspoon of brown sugar on it.
For dinner tonight I made fish (talapia my favorite), and sweet potatoes (i almost forgot how to peel, as with regular potatoes I just leave the peel on , but sweet potatoes have to be peeled...), and fried mushrooms, and broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (the last 3 in a mix). With water and grape juice to drink. It was a yummy meal and I have some left overs for lunch tomorrow.
It was a big meal so I did not have an evening snack. And now I am off to bed...
Day 11--how do you release anger so that you can BE love, peace, etc....?
***WARNING: RANT BELOW******
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
(Which probably means I will say things without thinking or meaning fully, so bear with me, THIS is what I am trying to overcome within myself so I can live a life projecting Peace, Joy, Health, and Calm (which is far from where I am today))
Today has started off quite difficult. I got J ready for school, as at first he seemed to be doing better and he really wanted to go to school. After getting him dressed, his eyes started to droop and his cough picked up, so I asked him if he wanted to stay home or to go to school (as he was looking like another day home would be right, and school might be too much today and flare up the illness). He insisted that he waited to go to school. I had arranged with A to come over in case either of the kids needed to stay home, as G was kind of off yesterday. but G woke up, no fever, no cough, not feeling ill at all. So I thought to myself "well, that will give A a change to rest" as A is sick too.
So A arrives and looks at J and says, is he well enough to go? And I said that he was in that gray area between definitely well enough to go to school and definitely not well enough. And I told A that he had said multiple times that he wanted to go. So I am in my room getting my socks on and I hear A saying to J "you could just stay home with me, don't you want to stay home with me? we could watch movies and play games." And of course J said yes he wanted to stay home and watch movies and play games. As I was on the fence about him being truly well enough to go to school, it did not bother me that he chose to stay home and give his body more time to recuperate. But I WAS bothered by the way A addressed it with him. Side note: when A does not feel well, it is expressed as though it is the end of the world, and work ethic goes right out the window at the first sniffle, and when A does work while under the weather, it is all anybody hears about, and I get so tired of the maurter routine. Right now it is true, A is quite sick with bronchitis and does need these days off from work, but that is not always the case. We all get sick, we all go to work sick sometimes, we all have days and weeks that our bodies are fighting some crappy cold, flu, bronchitis, etc... But we don't all see the need to harp on it and be completely incapacitated by it, or to complain how incapacitated we are by it but still doing what needs to be done [can you tell I'd REALLY frustrated and at my wits end with this?].
I am trying to instill in my children a good school/work ethic, where if you are well enough to go, you go and do the best you can, but that it is okay to be sick and stay home and take care of yourself. And part of that is recognizing when you THINK you might be alright but are not sure, and are willing to give it a try knowing you may have to leave early if it proves to be too much. This is vital for J especially, as with CP he is more likely to get sick, and needs his sick days for the days that he truly can not work, and part of this process is for him to learn to read his own body, to know when he feel he can or cannot do what he needs to. When I am feeling in the gray area for him, I always want to give him the choice, not based on what fun things he might get to do if he stays home, but based on how his body feels and whether he wants to try to have a regular day.
And of course then G says "I want to stay home and watch movies and play games too" To which I have to explain that J is staying home because he is sick not because he wants to do those other things (which makes me sound like a liar as A had just convinced J to stay home by telling what they could do rather than asking him about how he was feeling). So then G starts rubbing his throat, and telling me he has a fever and all that (he did not have a fever, I checked to appease him). Since I had already run down through the list of body ailments with him before I had him get dressed, he had already told me that he felt fine (no sore throat, no head ache, no cough, etc....).
It's just.......What a HORRIBLE example of school (and eventual work) ethic, to convince a child to stay home to watch movies instead of honoring his desire to try to go to school when we was in that questionable, in between health state. (for the record, I actually AM glad that he is taking another day to recoup, as I don't like to push him too much. My issue is the method and rational used to override his original decision to try to go to school and to bring him that decision for himself). And the effect on G is well, appalling, because now he knows that if he can PRETEND to be sick, he will get to stay home and watch movies and play games. If I had not been insistent A probably would have kept him home "just to spend time with him".
Since breaking up with A, G has missed only 2 days of school this school year (for illness, he has missed a couple for specialist doctor appointments) and J has only missed 5 days of school since September for illness. Last year, when A was making the decision of whether to keep them home or not (as I went to work at 5:15am), they missed nearly that amount each MONTH. But that is in the past, and I have to look towards the future.
If that had been the end of it, things would have been fine. But on the drive here A called first just to say hi. I asked how J was doing, and he was fine, coughing and sneezing some, but okay. 10 minutes later another call
A: "where is the fruit? I can't get him to eat anything."
me: "canned fruit is in the cupboard, is he drinking? when he is sick, if he doesn't want to eat its okay as long as he is drinking"
A: "yes he is drinking and he ate some of his cereal."
me: "oh then he IS eating something?"
A:"yeah"
Me wondering what the call is about. Then a little more chit chat which was pointless enough that I don't remember it, and I really wanted to get off the call so that I can do my morning meditation and get centered to have a good, productive, positive day....
Then another call, 10 more minutes later:
A:"he is sneezing a lot and has a clear and whitish snot."
me:"oh, maybe his allergies are acting up."
A:"no, its green snot"
me:"I thought you just said it was clear and whitish"
A:"well whitish green"
me: "clear or milky usually indicates allergy, and milky yellow to green can indicate infection"
A: "its on the green side"
me: "well, call the health center when they open and see if you can get him in, because if he has a bacterial infection now on top of the virus he is getting over, then it will need to be treated."
A:" they don't open until 9, I can't call them now."
me:"oh, I though they opened at 8:30"
A: getting agitated "no, they never open before 9:00, I know I tried many times one day a few weeks ago!"
me: (I was getting a bit snippy because the conversation seemed to be futile, just call the damn doctor sometime today, I don't care what time the health center opens--that is what was running through my head, but what I said was:)"okay, I thought they opened at 7:30 a couple of days a week for blood work, but that's okay wait until 9:00, its not a big deal"
A: "why do you always do this, why do you treat me like I'm always wrong!?"
me: "I wasn't, I just thought they opened earlier, its not a big deal, you can call whenever you think they will be open."
A: "well, I feel like shit, I don't feel well and because I have been with J, I can't get ANY rest to feel better myself, so cut me some slack."
me:"I don't feel well either, so I am sorry if I seemed short to you, I was not trying to be. You are not the only one that would like to rest. My throat has been sore for days, I have had a cough for 5 days, and my sinuses are clogged and painful. And I had a fever last night. So YOU are NOT the only one who doesn't feel well."
A: "well why didn't you tell me."
me:"I did say last night I had a sore throat and cough for 5 days and a ton of post nasal drip. But I am not going to sit around and harp on it all day. What good would that do? I don't feel well, but that is not going to stop me from taking the kids to school or doing my work. So why would I keep talking about it?"
A: "We could have helped each other if you would just open up to me, if you would just depend on me and let me take care of you."
me: "what do you mean, we are helping each other--You're with J while he is sick and I take G to school. its not about opening up, I mentioned it, and that was enough, there isn't anything you could do for me, you can't take away the virus or make the cough better, so I am not sure what you mean."
A: "that's right, I can never do ANYTHING right!?! You don't NEED me, you've made that clear. You never gave me a choice in the matter. There is someone else, I know there is!! I believe in the vows we took, but you never wanted to honor them, you just left, it was your choice (screaming at me at this point)!!"
Me: "Goodbye A"
And I hung up. I have learned that when A wants to go into a tirade about how horrible of a person I was because I left last year after A started drinking YET AGAIN, and a few months prior to that final relapse, we had discussed alcoholism (we discussed it many times, not just that once) and A had said that they boys should not have to experience growing up living with an active alcoholic as A's father had been a raging alcoholic and knows what hell it is. So we agreed that if A started drinking again that A would leave so the kids did not have to experience more of what they lived from mid-2008 to December 2010. To me, that was decided, and when A picked up the bottle again, the decision had already been made mutually, while we were both in a good frame of mind a few months before that event. I did honor my vows, but I did not vow to be verbally and emotionally abused by a drunk or to subject my kids to the hell and chaos of living in a household with a verbally belligerent, irresponsible drunk. I did not make any vows to the disease of alcoholism and I made it very clear in my vows that God and my relationship with God came first, follwoed by my relationship with A, and living with A while active in alcoholism has taken me so far away from my connectionw ith God, that it is nearly impossible for me to imagine how to reach back across that gap. So I did honor my vows, but A can't see it.
We did have another conversation after that, in which A insists that I must be seeing someone and just can't accept that I really LIKE being single, I was single most of my adult life before meeting A and did not really mind it then either. It is not that odd to like yourself enough to enjoy being single. A did accuse me of bringing everything back to the disease.
But it's not about the disease, it is about what I am willing to live with. Why won't I get back together? Because since A moved closer it has become painfully obvious that we do not and are not at all ready to move forward in a helathy relationship. I was willing to look at reconcilliation in December, but the first 3 weeks A was back in the area were pure hell. Aand while it has improved, I am no longer interested AT ALL in trying to reconcile. I AM interested in building a friendship, as there is a reason that I fell in love with A, A is an amazing person (most noticable when sober AND when not screaming at me about broken vows and how I ruined all of our lives by leaving (though point of fact A's life is the only one that went down after that, J G and I have been doing better (well G is having some trouble, but he always has)), and I enjoy A's company, and also we have 2 kids that we need to raise together, and that is much easier when you can be friends. I actually love A, but i am not in live with A, and I can not enable A to live the kind of life where I am sucked dry and left gasping for breath, or where the kids are there to support and uphold A emotionally rather than the parent holding up the kids. but A can't see it. A is not a bad person at all. A is actually a very good person with a very kind heart, but the tough skin, the anger, the bitterness, and the shame A carries gets in the way.
And I am understanding that. This morning's reliving of hell made my heart ache and scream. I have a big ball of anger, resentment, and maybe even hate sitting in my chest that has grown over the past few years. I am working hard to get it to break apart and dissapate. That is what this blog really is about, it is about getting through that block, shedding those unwanted pounds of negativity, and healing my heart so that I can reconnect with God and truly live a positive life of peace, love, joy, and giving. So that my kids can live without the extreme stress that an unhealthy parental relationship brings to all of us, so they too can connect with God and live lives of joy, peace, and faith. So that A can let go and move forward without feeling the need to be with me.
You know that song that goes "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? how can we start over if the fighting never ends?" that is exactly what I feel in thsi situation. If A is not able to let go enough to try to build a real, solid, true friendship, what on earth makes A think that getting back together would work? Your spouse or partner should be your best friend, and it needs to flow from a deep, heartfelt, lasting friendship, upon which a romantic relationship can then be built. I do not think at this point that this relationship will reach the point of even considering to build a romantic side again, but I truly, deeply desire a solid mutally respectful friendship, and I don't give up easily. What the past few months have taught me is that it is going to take a long time (probably years) and a lot of healing and regrowth in order for A and I to have a deep friendship that bring us both honor and respect.
I could not do my mediation this morning, too much negative crap was in the way for me to be able to focus. And it is a good thing money is tight at this second (come on tax return, get here) as I could not go be a glutton to try to bury these negative and painful feelings (the oatmeal with vanilla lowfat yogurt and diced peaches I brought had to suffice (oh and I did scrap together enough change to buy a cup of coffee, as I forgot to bring tea this morning)). By not burying them under food, I was able to blog about them and have the cathartic realease that I needed. Oddly, I do feel better, calmer, Like squeasing puss from a pressure filled wound (gross I know) it feels better. It still hurts, the wound is still there, but maybe it is not festering as much. The pressure has been realeased and some of the junk squeezed out, and now my body (and mind and spirit) can work better on elimiating the infection and bringing healing. I am sure A would hate the fact that I am writing this, but I need to express and tell of my expereinces, and A is part of my experience. Part of the journey of my life. Now I think I can get down to doing some work....
Thank you for being part of my blogging life....leave a comment and let me know you are here...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 10--reaching a new level of healing
I have been listening to a variety of philosophical and spiritual teaching lately on healing. While one of my goals is to lose weight, it is more of a sub-goal to the much larger goal of becoming healthy. And not just physically healthy, but spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, financially healthy, and socially healthy. There are so many aspects to the human life, and being healthy in all areas is truly the primary state I want my being to be in. So I was listening to someone I had never heard of before, named Jennifer McLean (I think that is how you spell it), and her work on body dialoging was very freeing, as it focuses in a meditative state on your body and helps you work through an area where you feel tense or stuck due to various issues from the past and present. It really was quite an eye-opening experience in how I view certain people in my life and how I can change my attitude and forgive myself for the things that I have done that have contributed to the bad situations in my life.
Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time. J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday. A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active. I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup.
Okay, before I have to get going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).
For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well. See you later...
Well, time is running short, so I'll have to write more on that another time. J is still home recovering today, though from what A has said he has been pretty active and much better than yesterday. A is sick as well, and is at my house with J, though not getting much rest as J is being fairly active. I'll be home soon and A can go back home and rest and recoup.
Okay, before I have to get going to pick up G--for Breakfast I had a large cup of coffee with half and half and a little sugar, and an everything bagel with cream cheese (from Stewart's as I as fueling up this morning).
For lunch, I have a can of vegetable beef soup in the car which will be my lunch in a few minutes, probably cold....oh well. See you later...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Day 4--When you want to pull your hair out, but would rather not be bald...
So yeah...the mess from last night was still waiting for me when I woke up. No little fairy gnomes had come in and scrubbed the house while I slept. You'd think at least the cats and dog would pitch in once in while....but alas they do not appreciate me (throws head back indignantly)
So got the kids to schools, and headed BACK home (I look forward to when school isn't over 50 miles away). I did not bring my breakfast with me, which was a dangerous oversight as I really need to eat by 9am, and when I am hungry I am not good with temptation. I stopped at McDonald's on the way and got a sausage mcmuffin with egg, hash brown, and small orange juice. I went to the bank on the way home and got quarters for laundry, then stopped at the old trailer, where a lot of my stuff is still stored. And climbed a good 8 foot snowbank and trudged through thigh deep snow (took nearly 10 minutes to get to the door, and without snow it is only about 15-20 steps from where I parked to the door) to get in and retrieve my bigger vacuum cleaner, which I have been meaning to get but my little one has been fine, but has no beater bar. With the sand making the living room feel like a beach, I figured I'd need to beater bar. So after climbing back across the deep snow and huge snowbank, I went home.
First I threw in a load of towels in the washer. When you have to dry off with a little hand towel (especially when you are as big as me) you REALLY need to wash some towels. So, I got those going and then started in on cleaning up the kitchen (dishes, counters, stove). I swept the floor and then straightened up the living room. Then came the fun part.
The big vacuum has been sitting alone in the trailer for 8 months with no heat or power or anything. It was NOT emptied prior to our leaving (leaving was a LONG story, as is why so much of my stuff, stuff that I actually use) is over there still). So first I emptied it, and was surprised by how much dog hair was in it. Well, the other dog (we used to have two but when I left A I found a good home for the big one and took the little one with me as A wanted her, but alas has not been able to take her). Anyway after that, I tried to get the beater bar to turn, but it would not budge. So I spent time with WD40 and got it to turn again, but it was sticking at one end. I got part of the floor vacuumed and she stopped spinning again. So I again took it apart, and unstuck the one side again. And round and round we went, the vacuum and I, until I finally gave up and got out the little vacuum. I think I got most of the really sandy spot with the big vac before giving up, but I really want to use the big one just to get a deeper vacuuming done. I will have to order a new beater bar, again. This will be the second beater bar for this vacuum in the last 7 years (it was bought used). The end of the bar actually melts and then shatters apart on the inside. You can still hodge podge it to make it work, but it takes frequent resetting to get it to work.
So, by the time I finished tinkering with the vacuum and then finishing the living room, it was time to leave and get the kids. I had a cup of mac and cheese (not box) for lunch, and snacked on a handful of almonds and a cheese stick on the drive, along with a bottle of water.
Both boys had a good day at school, and it was an easy ride home, aside from the fact that one of Josiah's braces is hurting him. I need to get back to the ortho so we can get the brace adjusted a bit. So I did have to stop on the way and take off his braces to give him some relief.
When we got back, I switched the laundry ( I can never seem to keep up with it). Then I tried talking with the boys about what went on last night (why they didn't eat dinner, why they trashed the house, why they did not go to bed when it was bed time, etc...) I am still just blown away by how out of control they were last night, that is usually not like them. J at least had some answers, not good ones, but at least could give me some reasons for his behavior, but over all his behavior was not that bad. It was G that emptied the book shelf and pummeled the guitar with the videos, and G that dumped bags of sand all over the house. It would be different if he had been doing sand art and gotten it everywhere, but he was not doing art, he was literally opening the bags and flipping them in the air multiple times. there was sand on top of the TV, all over the couch and chair, on top of all the shelves, probably in the fish tank even. G has a tendency to destroy things for the sake of destroying them. I have yet to find a plausible explanation for some of the times when he has completely destroyed a toy or a game (ripping cards in half, pealing all of the decals off the game boards, smashing his Nintendo control on the floor until it fell apart (we went through 3 before I started making him discard his own destroyed toys and did not replace them (but Santa did bring more controllers one year). Anyway, I was trying to work through what had actually happened, like where Grandpa was and what he was doing while G was destroying the house, and why G did not go to bed at 8:00 when he knows the routine, or why he refused to eat dinner....
And G kept giving me the run around (he does have trouble answering questions in anything like a way that makes sense, but usually I can piece what he says together and get a good sense of what happened and why he made the choices he did. But after 45 minutes of G's circles round and round the issue, I was ready to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street, but instead I told him to just go play in his room and I went out to fold laundry in the living room--twitch, twitch, twitch.....
So, I am just trying to let go of last night, and move on. It just gets under my skin when there is senseless destruction, especially of a project that could have been a lot of fun to do together. So now I just made a frozen pepperoni Pizza and rinsed off some grapes. Not a stellar dinner for the kids and I but it works. This has been an exhausting week for some reason.
Tomorrow is A's birthday and while we are no longer a couple, no one else was planning anything for A and turning 50 is a big deal. Most woman I know over 50 tell me that 50 is like a new start to life, life begins anew at 50. I will trust them on that as I am a mere 36, so it will be a while before I know if that is my own experience. But 50 is an important time, so a party is always in order. So I invited most of my family and A's family to come to dinner tomorrow night. I have to bake a cake to night and J has an appointment tomorrow, but if A can pick up G from school it should all work out. I just have to make sure I have everything ready tonight, so I can just cook it tomorrow, and have my mom, and step dad, my father, my brother, one of my sisters and her two kids, myself and the kids, A's sister is going to come out for the night (she lives 5 hours away), and me--so that's 12 people in my little house (less than we had for G's b-day last week when we had the family party as my other sister with her 4 kids is not coming). So 12 people, a small corned beef and cabbage with a baked Ziti to supplement so that everyone gets enough to eat (I couldn't afford a corned beef big enough to really feed that many people, hence the ziti). As A is Irish and today is St. Patrick's Day, I figured that as long as everyone can have a little bit of the traditional Irish meal, everyone would be happy. But I do have to bake a cake and decorate it tonight, and I want to clean the bathroom and fold all the clean laundry before I go to bed too. So it is going to be yet another late night.
Well, I need to get the kids in the bath, so I am signing off for the night (unless I decide to hop on later, which well, you never do know right? Blogging is fun, i wonder if anyone is actually reading it....I need to get one of those little ticket things that tracks page views. G-night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bites (nasty that they have made a come back isn't it...)
So got the kids to schools, and headed BACK home (I look forward to when school isn't over 50 miles away). I did not bring my breakfast with me, which was a dangerous oversight as I really need to eat by 9am, and when I am hungry I am not good with temptation. I stopped at McDonald's on the way and got a sausage mcmuffin with egg, hash brown, and small orange juice. I went to the bank on the way home and got quarters for laundry, then stopped at the old trailer, where a lot of my stuff is still stored. And climbed a good 8 foot snowbank and trudged through thigh deep snow (took nearly 10 minutes to get to the door, and without snow it is only about 15-20 steps from where I parked to the door) to get in and retrieve my bigger vacuum cleaner, which I have been meaning to get but my little one has been fine, but has no beater bar. With the sand making the living room feel like a beach, I figured I'd need to beater bar. So after climbing back across the deep snow and huge snowbank, I went home.
First I threw in a load of towels in the washer. When you have to dry off with a little hand towel (especially when you are as big as me) you REALLY need to wash some towels. So, I got those going and then started in on cleaning up the kitchen (dishes, counters, stove). I swept the floor and then straightened up the living room. Then came the fun part.
The big vacuum has been sitting alone in the trailer for 8 months with no heat or power or anything. It was NOT emptied prior to our leaving (leaving was a LONG story, as is why so much of my stuff, stuff that I actually use) is over there still). So first I emptied it, and was surprised by how much dog hair was in it. Well, the other dog (we used to have two but when I left A I found a good home for the big one and took the little one with me as A wanted her, but alas has not been able to take her). Anyway after that, I tried to get the beater bar to turn, but it would not budge. So I spent time with WD40 and got it to turn again, but it was sticking at one end. I got part of the floor vacuumed and she stopped spinning again. So I again took it apart, and unstuck the one side again. And round and round we went, the vacuum and I, until I finally gave up and got out the little vacuum. I think I got most of the really sandy spot with the big vac before giving up, but I really want to use the big one just to get a deeper vacuuming done. I will have to order a new beater bar, again. This will be the second beater bar for this vacuum in the last 7 years (it was bought used). The end of the bar actually melts and then shatters apart on the inside. You can still hodge podge it to make it work, but it takes frequent resetting to get it to work.
So, by the time I finished tinkering with the vacuum and then finishing the living room, it was time to leave and get the kids. I had a cup of mac and cheese (not box) for lunch, and snacked on a handful of almonds and a cheese stick on the drive, along with a bottle of water.
Both boys had a good day at school, and it was an easy ride home, aside from the fact that one of Josiah's braces is hurting him. I need to get back to the ortho so we can get the brace adjusted a bit. So I did have to stop on the way and take off his braces to give him some relief.
When we got back, I switched the laundry ( I can never seem to keep up with it). Then I tried talking with the boys about what went on last night (why they didn't eat dinner, why they trashed the house, why they did not go to bed when it was bed time, etc...) I am still just blown away by how out of control they were last night, that is usually not like them. J at least had some answers, not good ones, but at least could give me some reasons for his behavior, but over all his behavior was not that bad. It was G that emptied the book shelf and pummeled the guitar with the videos, and G that dumped bags of sand all over the house. It would be different if he had been doing sand art and gotten it everywhere, but he was not doing art, he was literally opening the bags and flipping them in the air multiple times. there was sand on top of the TV, all over the couch and chair, on top of all the shelves, probably in the fish tank even. G has a tendency to destroy things for the sake of destroying them. I have yet to find a plausible explanation for some of the times when he has completely destroyed a toy or a game (ripping cards in half, pealing all of the decals off the game boards, smashing his Nintendo control on the floor until it fell apart (we went through 3 before I started making him discard his own destroyed toys and did not replace them (but Santa did bring more controllers one year). Anyway, I was trying to work through what had actually happened, like where Grandpa was and what he was doing while G was destroying the house, and why G did not go to bed at 8:00 when he knows the routine, or why he refused to eat dinner....
And G kept giving me the run around (he does have trouble answering questions in anything like a way that makes sense, but usually I can piece what he says together and get a good sense of what happened and why he made the choices he did. But after 45 minutes of G's circles round and round the issue, I was ready to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street, but instead I told him to just go play in his room and I went out to fold laundry in the living room--twitch, twitch, twitch.....
So, I am just trying to let go of last night, and move on. It just gets under my skin when there is senseless destruction, especially of a project that could have been a lot of fun to do together. So now I just made a frozen pepperoni Pizza and rinsed off some grapes. Not a stellar dinner for the kids and I but it works. This has been an exhausting week for some reason.
Tomorrow is A's birthday and while we are no longer a couple, no one else was planning anything for A and turning 50 is a big deal. Most woman I know over 50 tell me that 50 is like a new start to life, life begins anew at 50. I will trust them on that as I am a mere 36, so it will be a while before I know if that is my own experience. But 50 is an important time, so a party is always in order. So I invited most of my family and A's family to come to dinner tomorrow night. I have to bake a cake to night and J has an appointment tomorrow, but if A can pick up G from school it should all work out. I just have to make sure I have everything ready tonight, so I can just cook it tomorrow, and have my mom, and step dad, my father, my brother, one of my sisters and her two kids, myself and the kids, A's sister is going to come out for the night (she lives 5 hours away), and me--so that's 12 people in my little house (less than we had for G's b-day last week when we had the family party as my other sister with her 4 kids is not coming). So 12 people, a small corned beef and cabbage with a baked Ziti to supplement so that everyone gets enough to eat (I couldn't afford a corned beef big enough to really feed that many people, hence the ziti). As A is Irish and today is St. Patrick's Day, I figured that as long as everyone can have a little bit of the traditional Irish meal, everyone would be happy. But I do have to bake a cake and decorate it tonight, and I want to clean the bathroom and fold all the clean laundry before I go to bed too. So it is going to be yet another late night.
Well, I need to get the kids in the bath, so I am signing off for the night (unless I decide to hop on later, which well, you never do know right? Blogging is fun, i wonder if anyone is actually reading it....I need to get one of those little ticket things that tracks page views. G-night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bites (nasty that they have made a come back isn't it...)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 3--What a ride!
Okay, so today has been absolutely insane. First I slept through my snooze alarm, 4 times this morning, waking up at 6:50 (we have to be out the door by 7:10 to be on time. So it was a very rushed morning, the kids were a few minutes late to school.
For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper). I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT). On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.
The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good. He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her. he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too. He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket). He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting. He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay.
From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday. So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that). So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself. So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck. I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her. She really is a great teacher. If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her.
After that, we needed to go get G. As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries. Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court. I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G. So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.
We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home. On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father. He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later. Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids. A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for). It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month. I was able to get lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education. I now know what I can and can not ask for. I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions. So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children). I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J. So overall a very productive evening.
Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned. My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting). I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.
Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm). But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed. My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him. G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn). G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies. G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE. It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet. In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm. I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies. I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas. I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better. I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior. I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out.
I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father. I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him. So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention. he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now. Oh well. My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day. Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed. I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow. Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish. So for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American. So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean. (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).
Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!. I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly. I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction. Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt. It was such a good evening until I got home. Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...
For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper). I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT). On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.
The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good. He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her. he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too. He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket). He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting. He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay.
From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday. So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that). So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself. So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck. I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her. She really is a great teacher. If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her.
After that, we needed to go get G. As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries. Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court. I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G. So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.
We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home. On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father. He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later. Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids. A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for). It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month. I was able to get lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education. I now know what I can and can not ask for. I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions. So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children). I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J. So overall a very productive evening.
Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned. My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting). I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.
Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm). But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed. My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him. G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn). G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies. G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE. It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet. In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm. I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies. I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas. I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better. I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior. I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out.
I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father. I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him. So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention. he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now. Oh well. My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day. Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed. I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow. Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish. So for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American. So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean. (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).
Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!. I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly. I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction. Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt. It was such a good evening until I got home. Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...
Day 2 final
I'm running a bit behind as I had 2 writing assignements due and J has aquatic PT today so i have to pick him up like NOW.
For dinner last night I made tacos using lean ground turkey instead of beef. Lettuce, tomatoes, grated cheese, sour cream, and taco sauce on the little soft flour taco shells. i had 3 of them plus water.
For a snack in the evening I had 10 round snack crackers with cream cheese, and water.
That was a pretty good day overall for food intake.
i will write about today later when I get home...
For dinner last night I made tacos using lean ground turkey instead of beef. Lettuce, tomatoes, grated cheese, sour cream, and taco sauce on the little soft flour taco shells. i had 3 of them plus water.
For a snack in the evening I had 10 round snack crackers with cream cheese, and water.
That was a pretty good day overall for food intake.
i will write about today later when I get home...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Day 2--mid day posting, some rambling, some food to report
Okay so a somewhat productive morning, but I did spend some time discussing pi vs tau with my best friend from college. Pi is my favorite mathematical constant, and there is a bit of a movement to use tau instead of pi when teaching about geometry, as tau=2pi (sorry for the lack of actual symbols). Anyway, it was an interesting (and short) discussion of that amazing constant pi. I guess it could be considered productive, as it brought some joy and fun to my morning, and joy is ALWAYS a step in the right direction. So, revise my initial statement--I had a productive morning!!
Anyway, I got accepted into writing for Writers Access as a freelance level 3 writer, so I will be able to get some assignments through them for some income. It takes a while to get a freelance writing gig up to the point that it can support a family. I am hoping by the end of June to have built my reputation and skills up enough to actual bring in a decent income. So being accepted at a level 3 (out of 5) is a good step, as it gives me chance to build up to a five, and thus have access to more lucrative assignments. If I can get a few more freelance places to accept me, I should be able to build up to the point of not needing to get another source of outside income by the time this transportation gig ends in mid-August. I will continue to write for Associated Content now that I have gotten back into it, and will continue to update my website (www.powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com) and this blog, as those I do for me, and doing things like contributing to the world by sharing my life, insights, and ideas brings me great joy and increases my overall wellbeing, so that is more important than the income in the long run. (Don't get me wrong, making sure I can support my family is extremely important).
Okay so, now for the food journaling for the mid portion of the day. For lunch I had a bottle of water, a 12 oz container of my homemade chicken and rice with white beans and carrots soup, and 2 cheese sticks. I had to eat the soup cold because I have nowhere to heat it up, but it was still tasty even cold. I also had a handful of salty almonds for a snack.
After picking up J and heading for G's school, I was reminded that I am not a good mother sometimes. You see, Sunday was G's b-day party, which we had at party palace in the mall. J likes to ride on those little machines you put the quarters in at the mall, and he had asked if he could ride the helicopter. I told him that on the way out we would stop if we had time, and he could ride the helicopter. Well, by the time we got out of the party palace, we were running late, as A was riding with us and had dropped the Jeep off at work, so that we could all ride together, and A had to be to work soon after the party. So we had to drop A off at work and there was no time for him to ride. I promised him that after I picked him up from school on Monday, we would stop over at the mall and he could ride the helicopter before picking up G (we have a spare 20 minutes in addition to travel time that we can use, and J's school is very near the mall). Scatter brained as I can be sometimes, I forgot all about it on Monday, and I think he did too until after dinner when he brought it up. I told him to remind me for today, and that I was very sorry that I forgot. Well this morning on the way to school he reminded me about the helicopter, and I filed it away in my brain sure I would remember. But alas when I picked him up from school, i forgot again. We headed out and got on the highway. 20 minutes later as we are getting off the highway, he asks me if we are almost to the helicopter. My heart broke, he trusted that that is where we are going as he HAD reminded me in the morning. And by that time, we did not have time to go back down and get back in time to pick G up from school. When I told him this and apologies profusely for breaking my promise, he looked so sad. Not that temper tantrum kind of sad, or that bratty screaming sad. This was real, heartfelt, sad disappointment. He accepted it, but I feel like I lost his trust, and that makes me feel very ashamed. Never promise a child something unless you can carry through, broken promises can hurt for a long, long time. And the loss of trust lasts even longer. I will take him to the helicopter tomorrow; I can't believe I forgot today again. But I could see it in his eyes, it will take some work on my end to get him to trust what I promise again. I try to be very careful with that, and this time I blew it. I pray that he can forgive me and learn again to trust that what i say i am going to do is what I am going to do. Well, I have to make dinner for the us, I'll blog briefly again later.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 1--Off to an odd start....
Well, here it is Monday March 14th, and Day 1 of my 80 pounds in 80 days endeavour. I am off to an odd start, as between the time change (and thus my brain screaming for the snooze bar when I needed to get up) and an overall lifestyle of disorganization, I can not say I have had a healthy start.
It is almost 11:00am as I write this (no 10am, 10am--stupid time change, my brain is not yeat ready for it to be an hour later). As part of my journey, I have dedicated myself to writing down every thing I eat each day. So for the first post of the day:
At 7:15 am, I had a graham cracker in the car while driving the boys to school (I normally don't eat their morning snack, but for some reason I was particularly hungry this morning). I also drank about 8 oz of water on the hour long drive to school
At 9:00am after having dropped off each boy at their respective school (and called our school district to try to get their CSE meetings scheduled this month so that I know if either one will be back home, or if I am just going to MOVE closer to the current programs) I went to Dunkin Donuts, which I really should not have as both health wise and money wise it is not good, but I did not bring my breakfast like I had been planning (see above referenced disorganization). So I ordered a sausage, egg, and cheese on a multigrain bagel (no I didn't think that made it healthy, they were just out of the sesame bagels that I like, and most other bagels as well, and the multigrain bagel is REALLY tasty) and a medium coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
Now, since most readers don't know me, one of the reasons I am as large as I am is that I am an emotional eater (ie I eat to stuff down uncomfortable emotions). Had I not called the school and brought up all sorts of old fears, frustration, and just outright anger, I would have perhaps made a more healthy choice. But alas, I ams till working on finding a more healthy coping skill for those uncomfortable emotions. I know some of you are wondering why I don't just express them. Well in this case, expressing my emotions about the challenges in finding an agreeable compromise to schooling my children BEFORE the meeting even has taken place would have been counterproductive at best and extremely destructive at the worst. I do have to actually work together with the school administration to make sure we are all keeping the best interest of my boys and thier potetial classmates in mind. I am not one of those paretns that only looks at what my child needs, but I also try to look at what the other kids in the class may need and how my child's needs affect their needs. G is the hardest as autism and behavioral issues are at the center of his issues, and for J it is mainly physical challenges--but both boths have the cognitive potential to go on to be fully independent and fully functional contributing members of society as adults (college, career, family, make the world a better place, etc...). Its just the challenges of working with a system that is not truly set up to accomadate thier extra needs in an educational environment so that they can reach that point that is frustrating at times.
On a different note, I do actaully have a handful of more healthy methods of dealing with my old, pent up emotions from last year's school decisions (long story). So after I scarfed down my breakfast sandwich, I did go walk around a store for a while (the snow is still WAY too deep to find an outside area to walk--Come On Spring), and then watched my visualizations tool (Planet Earth Forever, Secret to You, & Secret to Riches from www.thesecret.tv), I had to watch them twice as my brain kept wandering back to negativity, which is always counterproductive to a happy and healthy life. I tried to do some deeep breathign exercises, which always help reduce stress. But meditation was out of the question today as my mind is WAY to wired to calm down enough to enter an alpha or theta brain wave state. Its one of those days that I feel like I am superman with underwear made of green kryptonite... So much potentail....
Anyway, I need to get some work done before I have to go get groceries, pick up the kids, and drive home, so I should get off this blog, and do some actual for pay writing. I will post again later with my food journaling for my other meals. In the meantime, have a glorious day...(and don't eat your anger like I do, nothing easy or healing can come from it...)
It is almost 11:00am as I write this (no 10am, 10am--stupid time change, my brain is not yeat ready for it to be an hour later). As part of my journey, I have dedicated myself to writing down every thing I eat each day. So for the first post of the day:
At 7:15 am, I had a graham cracker in the car while driving the boys to school (I normally don't eat their morning snack, but for some reason I was particularly hungry this morning). I also drank about 8 oz of water on the hour long drive to school
At 9:00am after having dropped off each boy at their respective school (and called our school district to try to get their CSE meetings scheduled this month so that I know if either one will be back home, or if I am just going to MOVE closer to the current programs) I went to Dunkin Donuts, which I really should not have as both health wise and money wise it is not good, but I did not bring my breakfast like I had been planning (see above referenced disorganization). So I ordered a sausage, egg, and cheese on a multigrain bagel (no I didn't think that made it healthy, they were just out of the sesame bagels that I like, and most other bagels as well, and the multigrain bagel is REALLY tasty) and a medium coffee with cream and 1 sugar.
Now, since most readers don't know me, one of the reasons I am as large as I am is that I am an emotional eater (ie I eat to stuff down uncomfortable emotions). Had I not called the school and brought up all sorts of old fears, frustration, and just outright anger, I would have perhaps made a more healthy choice. But alas, I ams till working on finding a more healthy coping skill for those uncomfortable emotions. I know some of you are wondering why I don't just express them. Well in this case, expressing my emotions about the challenges in finding an agreeable compromise to schooling my children BEFORE the meeting even has taken place would have been counterproductive at best and extremely destructive at the worst. I do have to actually work together with the school administration to make sure we are all keeping the best interest of my boys and thier potetial classmates in mind. I am not one of those paretns that only looks at what my child needs, but I also try to look at what the other kids in the class may need and how my child's needs affect their needs. G is the hardest as autism and behavioral issues are at the center of his issues, and for J it is mainly physical challenges--but both boths have the cognitive potential to go on to be fully independent and fully functional contributing members of society as adults (college, career, family, make the world a better place, etc...). Its just the challenges of working with a system that is not truly set up to accomadate thier extra needs in an educational environment so that they can reach that point that is frustrating at times.
On a different note, I do actaully have a handful of more healthy methods of dealing with my old, pent up emotions from last year's school decisions (long story). So after I scarfed down my breakfast sandwich, I did go walk around a store for a while (the snow is still WAY too deep to find an outside area to walk--Come On Spring), and then watched my visualizations tool (Planet Earth Forever, Secret to You, & Secret to Riches from www.thesecret.tv), I had to watch them twice as my brain kept wandering back to negativity, which is always counterproductive to a happy and healthy life. I tried to do some deeep breathign exercises, which always help reduce stress. But meditation was out of the question today as my mind is WAY to wired to calm down enough to enter an alpha or theta brain wave state. Its one of those days that I feel like I am superman with underwear made of green kryptonite... So much potentail....
Anyway, I need to get some work done before I have to go get groceries, pick up the kids, and drive home, so I should get off this blog, and do some actual for pay writing. I will post again later with my food journaling for my other meals. In the meantime, have a glorious day...(and don't eat your anger like I do, nothing easy or healing can come from it...)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A history of how I got to where I am (and why a new beginning is so important)
So now that you know my goal for the near future, let me tell you a bit about who I am and how I got to where I am today--ready to share with a whole world of strangers the next phase of my journey in life.
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.
In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.
We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.
Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.
In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.
By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.
By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.
To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.
So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.
Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.
A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.
However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.
Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.
We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.
So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.
So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!
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