Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....

Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...

I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential.  So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you.  Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.

But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table.  As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue.  I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June".  I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep.  But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink.  It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them.  As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first.  G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them.  He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer. 

I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be.  In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business.  So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them.  So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit. 

It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting.  We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much).  I feel an odd sense of peace about this.  So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago.  Yeah, I am just getting back to it.  I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed.  It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm.  So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.

Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs.  Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that.  J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter.  He did GREAT at swimming.  I was so proud of him.  His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray.  I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby).  Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible.  If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised.  I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?"  but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.

Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me.  however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard.  In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long).  But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.

Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas.  can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar

I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening.  I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to.  that is never good.  I will be planning better.
I

Day whatever--18 I think it is, it's been a LOOOOONG day

SO...Today was abit of a crazy day (why does it seem I say that lot).  In the end though it turned out to be a GOOD GOOD day.

So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany.  As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...).  so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment.  So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond.  It was a nice, though crisp, morning.  I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz.  Then I headed for the path around the pond.  I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon.  So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign).  It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc...  (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead).  So it was a good releasing walk.

Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast.  I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station.  And I had a bottle of water already in my car.  After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing.  I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused. 

Anyway, I was at the library and A called.  We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to.  I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those.  Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex?  Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent?  Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship?  Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?"  Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really.  It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more.  So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done."  And A was okay with that.  So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me.  We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other.  I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut.  I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need.  That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too.  It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet.  The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down.  Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves.  Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.

After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short.  So I did not get as much done as I wanted to.  Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch.  So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch.  It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past.  It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit).  The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.

Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office.  You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur)  If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment.  So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late.  I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together.  I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off  to fold and the big wheels pop off as well.  So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building.  It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week).  I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way.  But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God.  A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at  the time).  It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book.  But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me.  Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.

So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow.  We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group.  If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch.  My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous.  I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed....  That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.

Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!!  The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids.  A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone.  It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up.  J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much  more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor.  J's lung sound good.  He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks.  He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand.  It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop.  That is a very good body awareness.  however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit.  But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him.  So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises.  He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to.  J still has an undetified skin issue.  He really needs to see another dermatologist.  But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds.  So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.

Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc.  We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer.  I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad.  So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT.  I LIKE this doc.  That is a huge relief.  (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).

On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good).  I had a bottle of water in the car as well.  We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic.  So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home.  I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!?  So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!!  but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight).  So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.

So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc... 

So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it.  And a couple fo cups of water.  I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe.  So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food.  So not a good eating day overall.  My body, brain and spirit are tired.  I really  have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors.  It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.

Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed.  I  know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there).  So, tata for now...

Day 17 (right?)

Sorry for the over 24 hours without an update (I know I don't have you waiting on the edge of your seatrs, but it is fun to pretend...). 

Okay so yesterday just was a really long day.  After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine).  So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged).  I just had been planning on  my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit.  So more stress on top of a stressful day. 

Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today).  So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun. 

We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad.  then cake and ice cream for dessert.

It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today.  Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year.  I was a few minutes late for it.  It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting.  J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it.  He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will).  So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic.  But he does work hard.  the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility.  He is sucha  gem.  Overall the meeting went very well.

After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session.  I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go.  I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not. 

So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.

**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day.  I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf.  I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water.  I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.

Day 14--hair cuts, hydrocephalus, and Anticipating tomorrow's weigh in

Well, the evening went alright.  I had to give G a hair cut as his hair was just getting out of control.  I had figured I would do a simple trim with scissors, but alas G has  LOT of sensory issues with his head.  The joys of autism....

So what was going to be a quick trim before bath turned in to a full blown hair cut with the clippers because he moved at the wrong moment while I was trimming and ended up with a nearly bald spot.  So then, it was a bit of a wrestling match to get him to sit and calm down so that I could quickly buzz the sides and back of his hair and then a backwards buzz on top to keep the top a little longer, like he likes it.  It came out nice, but it takes SO MUCH out of both of us to do a full hair cut.  He is okay with the clippers as long as they have a guard on, but terrified of them when I have to take the guard off to clean up the back  neck area and his side burns (for an eight year old he has the most amazing side burns--and always has).  He is getting better as he gets older, as it used to take one person to hold him and the other person to quickly buzz his hair.  We had a friend/neighbor who owns a beauty shop and she was really good with him, though even there we had to double team him.  He now will sit fairly still, and let you do it, as he is realizing that it will be done faster that way.  But the tickling hair makes his squirm too, more that most people would.  Over all though we got a good hair cut and then he got int he shower, which helped get all of the little bits of hair off.

J asked me if I would cut his hair too, but I told him that I am out of energy and I would do his hair later this week.  His hair does need a cut, but where G's hair is straw straight like my own (must be the shared Native American blood in us), J's hair is made up of those amazing little, tight spring curls as he is mostly African American.  So doing J's hair requires more energy, creativity, and slow work than buzzing G's hair off.  And as J does sit patiently while you work on his hair, I enjoy taking the time to think about what style would be good for him.  I am really tempted to grow it longer and see what we can do with it, but it is already getting very difficult to pick out each morning, as it forms mats overnight. But both boys have amazing hair.  G's is actually darker than J's hair.  G has jet black straight hair, and J has dark brown curls.

I had a little cry tonight after the kids went to sleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.  I hate it when the kids are sick, it brings back memories of sitting by J's hospital bed during our numerous ICU stays when he was a baby) and wondering if he was going to make it.  I had a moment of that tonight, because even though he is getting through this cold/sinus/URI, his temperament has been really off--very moody, very changeable--it makes me worry about his hydrocephalus.  I have been trying to find a neurosurgeon closer to here, as his neurosurgeon that did his original surgery and that we have had do all the follow ups is now 8 hours away.  So, now that I am 99% sure we are staying here at least for a few years, I think it is time to find a neurosurgeon closer to follow J.  I had done some initial contact over teh last few months, but have yet to set anything up. Last year's appointment showed a possible increase in ventricle size, but he was showing no symptoms, so the doc recommended that we seek out someone who specializes in static hydrocephalus to follow him.  I have worked on that some (it is not a common speciality). I think I will be working on that more tomorrow, to get him an updated CT scan and in to see a new neurosurgeon.  He should not be this moody, even when sick he is usually not moody.  And as personality changes, particularly moodiness, is an early warning sign of increased pressure, I am feeling very strongly the need to have him checked out.

I did sit by his bed and pray over him for healing for a while. So I feel confident that the Spirit will lead me to the right people for him.  So tomorrow will be productive in that direction.

It is now time to head to bed.  I will just update the food journal as to what rounded out my day....

Dinner was Tuna Helper (generic brand) doctored up with left over veggies and some extra pasta.
And my evening snack was 1/2 sleeve of whole wheat crackers with cream cheese.
And I had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in, it should be interesting...

Day 8--fairly uneventful

So this day has been fairly uneventful, which has been nice.  After writing and such at the library I headed over to pick up J from school.  He has a bit of a cold and a dry cough, so I was a little worried about him--still am, as with his lung  issues a cold can sometimes turn into something worse quickly.  though this year we have been incredibly fortunate, as the couple of times I took him to the doctor, they said it was just a cold.  And he has recovered within a few days after that.  So hopefully it is just a little cold and with fluids and rest, he will be able to continue his daily routine and continue to get well.  His immune system seems to be getting stringer every year.  This is a blessing from God that I am truly thankful for.

For lunch I tried the Campbell's soup at hand heated by the defrost thing, and it worked okay (soup lukewarm is not all that good, but better than cold), so I have a container of the Chicken Noodle Soup and a little single serving bag of peanuts that I bought when I was paying for my gas.  Oh, and a bottle of water.  I also had a small handful of almonds and a small handful of dried cherries on the ride home.

Aside from that, when I finally checked my cell phone messages (I had left it charging in the car while I was in the library)  I learned that A was able to get my battery out of my old car with my brother's help, and that my step-father helped put it in the jeep, however it was the wrong configuration, so it would not work in the jeep.  I had a second battery that my sister had been given when her battery was ailing, but that was the wrong configuration for her car, so they tried THAT one in the Jeep and it was perfect.  So now A will not have to borrow my car for work and will not have to worry about whether or not the Jeep will make it home.  And A was able to get to work on time.

The other thing that a message said was that A's cat (which has been staying with me since A moved up here as the dogs at my dad's house are not friendly to cats--and it is not even a cat we had when we were together, it was one A got AFTER we separated) had gotten outside and was stuck under the porch somewhere.  Brody (the cat) has been an indoor cat since A got him as a kitten last summer.  But Horace (my cat) and Narnia (our dog) both go in and out.  So Brody decided to follow them last week during that great warm weather where it got into the high 40's & low 50's. However today we had a winter storm advisory in effect all day, with blowing snow ans sleet, snow, rain mix, with 4-5 inches of accumulation.  I have been very careful to make sure that Brody is not out when I leave, as he is not ready to be outside without someone here.  Horace spends a lot of time outside, so I don't worry about him.  Anyway, I know Brody was in the house when I took the boys out to the car, but I forgot J's walker, which he needs at school, so I ran back in to get it.  I left the door open as I did so and he must have run out then. 

So, J got his snow pants on and played on the porch (he loves the outdoors, it will be incredible for him as his walking ability continues to develop) while i called and called and searched for the cat.  But to no avail, not even a mew was heard.  So when we came in I put a dish of food on the porch hoping that when he got hungry enough he would come and get it. 

Then we played a video game (the new Harry Potter one that G got for his birthday), then the kids did their homework (G has actual homework being in second grade, J just does some pen and paper work to improve his fine motor skills which I call homework as he is in pre-K and does not get homework yet).  After that J wanted to watch something on netflix, but as I have not paid my monthly fee, netflix is offline until another check comes, hopefully later this week.  So he decide to watch Alvin and the chipmunks the Squeakwel.  I made dinner (Ramon noodles with peas, egg, and bits of beef) and while dinner was cooking, I was able to go back outside and coax Brody from the hole in the porch.  His issue was that he did not want to step on snow, and the hole in the porch is near the edge, so the snow had gotten in and around the hole.  I had to get him to stick his head out so I could grab the scruff of his neck and get him out.  He was so happy that he buried his little head in the crux of my elbow as I carried him in. 

the boys had the Ramon dish for dinner, I only had a little bit of that, but made some bean and salsa mix eaten on a tortilla (well 2 tortilla's actually).  I also had a sandwich thin, toasted with butter while I had been cooking dinner, as I was hungry.

At 9:00 I had a mini-fruit roll -up, which I had opened for G earlier, but then he decided he wanted a banana for snack like his brother (smart boys, eating fruit instead of processed fruit flavored sugar, not so smart Mama snacking on the open fruit roll up so it would not go to waste--instead it goes to waist--I need to stop doing that).

I am reading the boys the Chronicle of Narnia book series, and they are loving it, we are doing 1-2 chapters a night.  We are on book 3--A Horse and His Boy.  I have always loved these books (which might be noticable as my dog's name is Narnia) and I am so happy to share them with my kids.  J is still a little young for them, but G is really following the story and loves it.  maybe in a couple years we will reread them when j is able to get more out of them.  But I had forgotten so much about book 3, which is a story of choices and starting out fresh to change the mistakes of the past, and build a better life for the future.  Which is kinda where I am right now in my own life (though I lack the talking horse and such), but still, some of the undercurrents of the book I am really connecting with, especially the idea of moving forward and not knowing what would have happened IF...

Anyway, I am hoping for an early bed after I do the dishes.  This cold is kicking my butt...

A side note: Prayers for 2 kids who need families...

I could not figure out how to get the photo of Michael to upload to facebook, so I am going to do a blog post about both Micheal and Haven.  I have been assigned as their Prayer Warrior through Reece's Rainbow.  So I am committed to praying for them until they have a committed family.  Please join in in sending your prayers and your good will out to them and to potential families who may be a good match for them. 

Here is Michael D.:

He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage.  Please prayer that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution when he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable.  If he has a committed family before his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway.  He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm

And this is Haven, and her info from RR: 

"Girl, Born March 2006

Poor Haven……sweet little girl.   Such a pretty girl burdened with such medical and cognitive difficulties….and no mama to love her through them.

From her medical records:  celiac disease, CP, toxic Hepatitis, hypotrophy of III stage

From our team who visited there: Haven is afraid of strangers and would not interact with us "

I am not sure which country she is in, though most EE countries transfer to institutions at the age of 5.  It appears she is NOT in Russia, so even if she is transferred, it might still be possible for her to be adopted.  However, medical care at the institutions tend to be very poor, and often over 50% of kids transferred do not survive their first year.  With her medical issues, an institutional life will be a short one.  So pray that a family steps forward for her soon.

For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs.  It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families.  Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children.  It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website.  Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, not chance to become active, functioning members of society.  Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own.  By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves.  Of if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves.   There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it.  So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)).  And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for adults with special needs.  When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residence to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc...  They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect. 

Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group?  Why not focus on the USA?  Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted.  So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one).  The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible.  I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in  our own country.  But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.

Day 4--When you want to pull your hair out, but would rather not be bald...

So yeah...the mess from last night was still waiting for me when I woke up.  No little fairy gnomes had come in and scrubbed the house while I slept.  You'd think at least the cats and dog would pitch in once in while....but alas they do not appreciate me (throws head back indignantly)

So got the kids to schools, and headed BACK home (I look forward to when  school isn't over 50 miles away).  I did not bring my breakfast with me, which was a dangerous oversight as I really need to eat by 9am, and when I am hungry I am not good with temptation.  I stopped at McDonald's on the way and got a sausage mcmuffin with egg, hash brown, and small orange juice.  I went to the bank on the way home and got quarters for laundry, then stopped at the old trailer, where a lot of my stuff is still stored.  And climbed a good 8 foot snowbank and trudged through thigh deep snow (took nearly 10 minutes to get to the door, and without snow it is only about 15-20 steps from where I parked to the door) to get in and retrieve my bigger vacuum cleaner, which I have been meaning to get but my little one has been fine, but has no beater bar.  With the sand making the living room feel like a beach, I figured I'd need to beater bar.    So after climbing back across the deep snow and huge snowbank, I went home.

First I threw in a load of towels in the washer.  When you have to dry off with a little hand towel (especially when you are as big as me) you REALLY need to wash some towels.  So, I got those going and then started in on cleaning up the kitchen (dishes, counters, stove).  I swept the floor and then straightened up the living room.  Then came the fun part. 

The big vacuum has been sitting alone in the trailer for 8 months with no heat or power or anything.  It was NOT emptied prior to our leaving (leaving was a LONG story, as is why so much of my stuff, stuff that I actually use) is over there still).  So first I emptied it, and was surprised by how much dog hair was in it.  Well, the other dog (we used to have two but when I left A I found a good home for the big one and took the little one with me as A wanted her, but alas has not been able to take her).  Anyway after that, I tried to get the beater bar to turn, but it would not budge.  So I spent time with WD40 and got it to turn again, but it was sticking at one end.  I got part of the floor vacuumed and she stopped spinning again.  So I again took it apart, and unstuck the one side again.  And round and round we went, the vacuum and I, until I finally gave up and got out the little vacuum.  I think I got most of the really sandy spot with the big vac before giving up, but I really want to use the big one just to get a deeper vacuuming done.  I will have to order a new beater bar, again.  This will be the second beater bar for this vacuum in the last 7 years (it was bought used).  The end of the bar actually melts and then shatters apart on the inside.  You can still hodge podge it to make it work, but it takes frequent resetting to get it to work.

So, by the time I finished tinkering with the vacuum and then finishing the living room, it was time to leave and get the kids.  I had a cup of mac and cheese (not box) for lunch, and snacked on a handful of almonds and a cheese stick on the drive, along with a bottle of water. 

Both boys had a good day at school, and it was an easy ride home, aside from the fact that one of Josiah's braces is hurting him.  I need to get back to the ortho so we can get the brace adjusted a bit.  So I did have to stop on the way and take off his braces to give him some relief.

When we got back, I switched the laundry ( I can never seem to keep up with it).  Then I tried talking with the boys about what went on last night (why they didn't eat dinner, why they trashed the house, why they did not go to bed when it was bed time, etc...)  I am still just blown away by how out of control they were last night, that is usually not like them.  J at least had some answers, not good ones, but at least could give me some reasons for his behavior, but over all his behavior was not that bad.  It was G that emptied the book shelf and pummeled the guitar with the videos, and G that dumped bags of sand all over the house.  It would be different if he had been doing sand art and gotten it everywhere, but he was not doing art, he was literally opening the bags and flipping them in the air multiple times.  there was sand on top of the TV, all over the couch and chair, on top of all the shelves, probably in the fish tank even.  G has a tendency to destroy things for the sake of destroying them.  I have yet to find a plausible explanation for some of the times when he has completely destroyed a toy or a game (ripping cards in half, pealing all of the decals off the game boards, smashing his Nintendo control on the floor until it fell apart (we went through 3 before I started making him discard his own destroyed toys and did not replace them (but Santa did bring more controllers one year).  Anyway, I was trying to work through what had actually happened, like where Grandpa was and what he was doing while G was destroying the house, and why G did not go to bed at 8:00 when he knows the routine, or why he refused to eat dinner....

And G kept giving me the run around (he does have trouble answering questions in anything like a way that makes sense, but usually I can piece what he says together and get a good sense of what happened and why he made the choices he did.  But after 45 minutes of G's circles round and round the issue, I was ready to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street, but instead I told him to just go play in his room and I went out to fold laundry in the living room--twitch, twitch, twitch.....

So, I am just trying to let go of last night, and move on.  It just gets under my skin when there is senseless destruction, especially of a project that could have been a lot of fun to do together.  So now I just made a frozen pepperoni Pizza and rinsed off some grapes.  Not a stellar dinner for the kids and I but it works.  This has been an exhausting week for some reason. 

Tomorrow is A's birthday and while we are no longer a couple, no one else was planning anything for A and turning 50 is a big deal. Most woman I know over 50 tell me that 50 is like a new start to life, life begins anew at 50.  I will trust them on that as I am a mere 36, so it will be a while before I know if that is my own experience. But 50 is an important time, so a party is always in order. So I invited most of my family and A's family to come to dinner tomorrow night.  I have to bake a cake to night and J has an appointment tomorrow, but if A can pick up G from school it should all work out.  I just have to make sure I have everything ready tonight, so I can just cook it tomorrow, and have my mom, and step dad, my father, my brother, one of my sisters and her two kids, myself and the kids, A's sister is going to come out for the night (she lives 5 hours away), and me--so that's 12 people in my little house (less than we had for G's b-day last week when we had the family party as my other sister with her 4 kids is not coming).  So 12 people, a small corned beef and cabbage with a baked Ziti to supplement so that everyone gets enough to eat (I couldn't afford a corned beef big enough to really feed that many people, hence the ziti).  As A is Irish and today is St. Patrick's Day, I figured that as long as everyone can have a little bit of the traditional Irish meal, everyone would be happy.    But I do have to bake a cake and decorate it tonight, and I want to clean the bathroom and fold all the clean laundry before I go to bed too.  So it is going to be yet another late night. 

Well, I need to get the kids in the bath, so I am signing off for the night (unless I decide to hop on later, which well, you never do know right?  Blogging is fun, i wonder if anyone is actually reading it....I need to get one of those little ticket things that tracks page views.  G-night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bites (nasty that they have made a come back isn't it...)

Day 3--What a ride!

Okay, so today has been absolutely insane.  First I slept through my snooze alarm, 4 times this morning, waking up at 6:50 (we have to be out the door by 7:10 to be on time.  So it was a very rushed morning, the kids were a few minutes late to school.

For breakfast I had oatmeal with raisins, cranberries and fresh apple chunks, and a cup of coffee with cream and 1 sugar. 

The it was a whirlwind day of writing as I had two articles due today and had not started wither one (had a lot of ideas in my head, but had not actually put them on paper).  I did manage to get both of them done satisfactorily, but by the time I got them submitted to their respective sites, I was running late to get J for swimming (aquatic PT).  On the way there I scarfed down a cheese stick and handful of almonds, and a bottle of water.

The classroom took longer getting him to me than usual, which  made us even later, but we got there 10 minutes late, and they let him do his full half an hour anyway, which was good.  He had a new PT in the pool today, so I was not sure how it was going to go, but he did very well with her.  he listened, and did the swimming and kicking and reaching like he was asked too.  He was in a great mood, and enjoyed the horsey (a rolled up float mat that he has to balance on sitting (with help) and gallop around the pool retrieving balls and tossing them into a basket).  He loved the game and even used his left hand without too much prompting.  He did have trouble listening on pool exit, and as she is not as familiar with him, he did slip all the way and land on his bottom on the step, but other than nicking his ankle with his toenail, he was okay. 

From swimming we ran over to the mall, because I FINALLY remembered the helicopter ride that I had promised for Monday.  So I took J in the mall, but with short time did not assemble his wheelchair to take him in (we have a sedan now that the station wagon died, and I have to take both the back and the two big wheels odd in order to wedge it in the truck (it is NOT a sling seat, fold up wheelchair, it is more involved than that).  So, he is really getting hard to carry, being heavy and unable to wrap his legs around to help carry himself.  So he rode the little insert quarters helicopter, then the corvette, and then the hot dog truck.  I ran into G's first grade teacher while we were there, and it was nice to chat with her.  She really is a great teacher.  If we are still here when J is in first grade, I will be very glad for J to have her. 

After that, we needed to go get G.  As we were walking out (with J wisely on my shoulders) he announced that he was starving and needed french fries.  Having not eaten actual lunch myself, I gave in to temptation and stopped at the Arby's stand in the food court.  I got the All American Sandwich and he got the fries, and we got a root beer for G.  So one combo split between 3 people, not too bad.

We got to G's school just in time to pick him up, and headed home.  On the way I realized that tonight was the preschool transmission meeting at J's school, and I had not arranged childcare, so we took a little detour on the way home, and stopped to see my father.  He agreed to watch the kids for me, so I went home, washed some dishes, had G do his homework, made dinner, and then ran back to my Dad's to pick him up 45 minutes later.  Brought him and the kids back here, gave a quick rundown of the routine, and headed out as he was dishing up dinner for the kids.  A whirlwind hour long drive back to J's school (which I was of course about 10 minutes late for).  It was a VERY informative meeting, and I feel much more prepared going into J's CSE meeting at the end of the month.  I was able to get  lot of questions answered by a person who represents the state Dept of Education.  I now know what I can and can not ask for.  I asked a lot of question, which was good, and other parents also asked a lot of questions.  So it was a great presentation and a discussion time (boy do I miss being with adults on a regular basis, it almost felt like the old lab meeting where we were discussing our work, just this time our work was our children).  I had a couple of specific questions that she asked me to stay after to discuss,a s they were very specific to J.  So overall a very productive evening. 

Of course by staying after, I left half an hour later than planned.  My father was supposed to have the kids in bed at 8:00PM (which was about the time I was leaving the meeting).  I had to stop for gas, and as I had eaten no dinner, I grabbed a premade Italian sub with oil and vinegar dressing, and a small bag of Smart food Popcorn, and a water and a hot chocolate at the convenience store to eat on the way home.

Here I was thinking it would be peaceful to get home and chat with my Dad while we waited for my mom and step dad to give him a ride home (my mom's 2nd job runs until about 9:00pm).  But instead I walk in to J still fully clothed, G jumping on the couch half in his pajamas, and the house totally trashed.  My Dad is standing there with J's diaper saying, I have been trying to get them to go to bed, but he won't even let me change him.    G had emptied the entire bookshelf of DVD's and video's and hurled them one by one across the room at J's guitar (which J does play and is trying to actually learn).  G had already smashed one of J's guitars on purpose, so this second one was to replace that one, and he was trying to smash it with movies.  G had also opened up four bags of art sand that he had gotten for his birthday and poured sand ALL OVER THE HOUSE.  It feels like a beach to walk on the living room carpet.  In addition, neither of them would eat dinner for my dad, and by this time it was nearly 9:30 pm.  I told G to finish his Pajamas and clean up the movies.  I send J into his room where I then changed him into his pajamas.  I came back out and lectured G on his behavior and how he knew better.  I also made him throw the rest of the sand art kit in the garbage, as all the sand was gone, and I let him know how disappointed I was in his intentionally destructive behavior.   I gave them each a small cup of peaches (as I did not want them to sleep on a totally empty stomach), and then I tucked them in their beds, told them goodnight and went lights out. 

I was SO frustrated with the way they behaved for my father.  I was also a little frustrated at my father, as he seems to have not noticed any of the things going on, until I pointed them out to him.  So, I think that is the last time Dad will babysit, as he just does not pay enough attention.  he is getting older, and maybe the kids are just too much for him now.  Oh well.  My house is a complete mess, and I am exhausted after such an insane day.  Now I have clothes in the washer that I need to wait to put in the dryer before I go to bed.  I had forgotten tomorrow is St Patrick's Day, so I needed to wash clothes to make sure the kids have green on tomorrow.  Especially since A (their other parent) is almost 100% Irish.  So  for race/ethnicity the kids say they are: G=Mexican Irish American and J=African Irish American.  So yeah, I need to make sure the green shirts are clean.  (As for my race/ethnicity I am a true American mutt=a mix of French, English, German and at least 1/16th Native American (my maternal grandfather was 1/2--though I do not know what tribe, he left is family at 16 and never really talked about his heritage) and I am 1/64th Iroquois on my Father's side) and who knows what else, my European lines have been here many generations so are not well documented or remembered).

Tomorrow will be one of those days that i drop the kids off and then drive the hour back home so that I can clean up this house!!.  I hate adding an extra 100+ miles and 2 extra hours of driving to my car and day, but they really trashed the house and I need time without them here to clean it all up properly.  I might have to borrow a good vacuum as mine is okay for regular stuff, but this fine sand everywhere is going to need something with better suction.  Oh and a couple of the movies (older VHS movies) were broken in G's little stunt.  It was such a good evening until I got home.  Some days you can understand why some animals eat their young...

Day 2--mid day posting, some rambling, some food to report

Okay so a somewhat productive  morning, but I did spend some time discussing pi vs tau with my best friend from college.  Pi is my favorite mathematical constant, and there is a bit of a movement to use tau instead of pi when teaching about geometry, as tau=2pi (sorry for the lack of actual symbols).  Anyway, it was an interesting (and short) discussion of that amazing constant pi.  I guess it could be considered productive, as it brought some joy and fun to my morning, and joy is ALWAYS a step in the right direction.  So, revise my initial statement--I had a productive morning!!

Anyway, I got accepted into writing for Writers Access as a freelance level 3 writer, so I will be able to get some assignments through them for some income.  It takes a while to get a freelance writing gig up to the point that it can support a family.  I am hoping by the end of June to have built my reputation and skills up enough to actual bring in a decent income.  So being accepted at a level 3 (out of 5) is a good step, as it gives me chance to build up to a five, and thus have access to more lucrative assignments.  If I can get a few more freelance places to accept me, I should be able to build up to the point of not needing to get another source of outside income by the time this transportation gig ends in mid-August.  I will continue to write for Associated Content now that I have gotten back into it, and will continue to update my website (www.powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com) and this blog, as those I do for me, and doing things like contributing to the world by sharing my life, insights, and ideas brings me great joy and increases my overall wellbeing, so that is more important than the income in the long run.  (Don't get me wrong, making sure I can support my family is extremely important).

Okay so, now for the food journaling for the mid portion of the day.  For lunch I had a bottle of water, a 12 oz container of my homemade chicken and rice with white beans and carrots soup, and 2 cheese sticks. I had to eat the soup cold because I have nowhere to heat it up, but it was still tasty even cold.  I also had a handful of salty almonds for a snack.

After picking up J and heading for G's school, I was reminded that I am not a good mother sometimes.  You see, Sunday was G's b-day party, which we had at party palace in the mall.  J likes to ride on those little machines you put the quarters in at the mall, and he had asked if he could ride the helicopter.  I told him that on the way out we would stop if we had time, and he could ride the helicopter.  Well, by the time we got out of the party palace, we were running late, as A was riding with us and had dropped the Jeep off at work, so that we could all ride together, and A had to be to work soon after the party.  So we had to drop A off at work and there was no time for him to ride.  I promised him that after I picked him up from school on Monday, we would stop over at the mall and he could ride the helicopter before picking up G (we have a spare 20 minutes in addition to travel time that we can use, and J's school is very  near the mall).  Scatter brained as I can be sometimes, I forgot all about it on Monday, and I think he did too until after dinner when he brought it up.  I told him to remind me for today, and that I was very sorry that I forgot.  Well this morning on the way to school he reminded me about the helicopter, and I filed it away in my brain sure I would remember.  But alas when I picked him up from school, i forgot again.  We headed out and got on the highway.  20 minutes later as we are getting off the highway, he asks me if we are almost to the helicopter.  My heart broke, he trusted that that is where we are going as he HAD reminded me in the morning.  And by that time, we did not have time to go back down and get back in time to pick G up from school.  When I told him this and apologies profusely for breaking my promise, he looked so sad.  Not that temper tantrum kind of sad, or that bratty screaming sad.  This was real, heartfelt, sad disappointment.  He accepted it, but I feel like I lost his trust, and that makes me feel very ashamed.  Never promise a child something unless you can carry through, broken promises can hurt for a long, long time.  And the loss of trust lasts even longer.  I will take him to the helicopter tomorrow; I can't believe I forgot today again.  But I could see it in his eyes, it will take some work on my end to get him to trust what I promise again.  I try to be very careful with that, and this time I blew it.  I pray that he can forgive me and learn again to trust that what i say i am going to do is what I am going to do.  Well, I have to make dinner for the us, I'll blog briefly again later.

A history of how I got to where I am (and why a new beginning is so important)

So now that you know my goal for the near future, let me tell you a bit about who I am and how I got to where I am today--ready to share with a whole world of strangers the next phase of my journey in life.

I grew up in the Adirondacks, then went to college in the greater Boston area at a small Christian College. It took me 8 years to do my 4-year degree in biology. Why so long? Well, as the second of five children in a family who never made more than the poverty line cut off, I paid my own way through college, so I would go for a while, then stop and work for a while, then go for a couple semester, then stop and work for a year or two, etc... Over those eight years I was a nanny, worked in day care, became a preschool teacher, slung coffee at a couple of coffee shops, worked in a convenience store, worked in the cafeteria, did general housekeeping at hotels, and was a janitor, in addition to working while at school as a teaching assistant and departmental assistant (laboratory cleaning and upkeep, and making sure all the TA's had what they needed for labs and such). Once I finished my BS in Biology I went into the workforce and had a great life. I was a biological research assistant at Cornell University, ordained elder in the Presbyterian church, and had numerous friends and colleagues. In 2003 I volunteered for 7 months at ECHO (Educational Concerns for Hunger Org) and then returned to my work at Cornell.

In 2004 I met my significant other, and we lived together (had a ceremony but not an actual marriage--one of my sisters did the same though now she is actually going to marry him this year, but for the past 5 years they have been married by ceremony but not by law--odd I know...anyway...). Prior to meeting I had begun inquiring about adoption, which we put on hold for a year so that we could establish our own relationship. Then in January 2006 we adopted our first son from foster care. G was just turning 3 at the time and had bounced through 5 different foster homes. He was and is a challenging kid to parent, but he is also an amazing kid to parent. He changed our lives (I know all parents say that about their first child, AND ITS ALL TRUE, which is why all parents say it), and we adjusted to a new normal, without having to actually change our jobs, as we were able to adjust to a new normal that included all of the aspects of parenting our new son with special needs.

We decided that we should start looking for our second child at the end of summer 2006, as it often takes 9-18 months to find a match and get chosen by the committees, and to jump through all of the bureaucratic hoops. So we figured there would be at least 12-24 months between adoptions. However, 2 months after we redid our home study we were directed to an agency that has an infant with special needs about to be released from the hospital who needed a family right now, and when they reviewed our information, we were chosen quickly. We first heard our son existed on a Tuesday in late October, and were on our way to Philadelphia that same Friday to meet him, learn about his issues from the doctors, and on Monday had him released into our care. It was a whirl wind, and he was a 2 1/2 month old baby out of the hospital for the first time with multiple medical issues. Needless to say, J changed our lives even further than we ever imagine. I often say he was a bomb that exploded our lives in so many way, and shook my beliefs in myself, in God, in humanity, in medical science (definitely showed me that doctors do not know as much as we think they do) and in everything else you can hold on to. But he is also the balm that continues to heal all. So my J is a bomb and a balm.

Life for G stayed quite steady for the beginning, even with J in and out of the hospital, going through heart surgery then brain surgery, we managed to keep G's schedule steady, with him going to preschool then day care, and being picked up by one of us, going home and having his normal home routine, while the other one of us stayed at the hospital with J, and we switched each day. After my parental leave was over, I returned to my job at Cornell, and my other half changed jobs to a night shift position so that one of us was always home for J. In April 2007 we decided that with his many, many doctor appointments and specialist followups, and the fact that my other half was not able to handle taking him, so I had to take days off from work to take him, that my other half should find a higher paying day job, and give up the overnight. We hired a babysitter, and the era of the car sales money began. After one month, and two babysitters, and a lot of issues (G has never been the same since as one sitter was particularly harsh and lacked understanding of his background and issues, and treated him very badly), we realized that with J and G's special needs, they really needed to have me home all the time, especially since I was entering the summer where I had to work 9-5 (where before I could work a varied schedule and get my hours in even if I had to take J to the doctor). In the Summer (June-Aug) I oversaw a team of undergraduate students doing research, so i needed to be there regular hours, which would not have worked with J's needs. So I gave a month's notice and helped find and train my replacement.

In June 2007 I became a stay at home mom, and my other half was well on the way to a successful career in car sales (was second in sales by the 2nd month on the job--a truly good match). For the next year plus, I was a stay at home mom, medical and appointment manager for my sons, advocate, liaison, and therapy assistant to his therapists who came to the house a few days each week. It was actually as much if not more work than my job at Cornell had been. Even though A ( my significant other--I'm just getting tired of writing it out) was doing well in car sales, there was this idea that since A was earning the money that A should be able to spend it however A wanted. So while A's pay did support the household, I picked up a babysitting job on the side to bring in a little extra money so we could try to make ends meet as J's medical bills took a toll on our finances. We did finally get medicaid to supplement our insurance, but the early medical bills are still on my credit report. I spent time with the financial advisor at the bank, as well as a couple of independent debt counselors, all of whom after hours of crunching numbers and looking at possibilities, declared that my only choice really was to declare bankruptcy, as between medical bills and credit cards that got run up with the numerous hospital stays (gas to and from the hospital (over an hour away), meals at the hospital, basic needs, etc...), that our current income and future income projection just could not handle the past bills and the current expenses. However it costs a good chunk of money to pay for a bankruptcy, and I have yet to have enough spare money to cover the cost of the lawyer. So, I am 4 years buried in old debts, but that is a whole other project.

By August of 2008, it became clear to me that A was not able to be reasonable with money, spending as A saw fit rather than living by the budget we made in order to meet the household needs first and my babysitting on the side was not enough to cover our household needs. So as J was older and G was going into Kindergarten, I started looking at a way to go back to work. It took a lot to find a babysitter, but in the end I did go back to work full time in September 2008 at Cornell, but a different department and different kind of lab work. Soon after i returned to work, A (who was an alcoholic in recovery) relapsed, though tried hard to hide it. My boss was a very difficult person to work for and had VERY high turnover in her lab group. I was very used to demanding bosses who expected an extremely high quality and quantity of work. I had worked for 2 of the biggest biological labs at Cornell prior to having kids, and they do not abide slackers. But this woman I was working for was very difficult, tried to control everyone through put downs and underhanded and condescending remarks. How she ever got tenure at Cornell is beyond me, as even though she was a brilliant scientist, and fairly high up in her specific field, she was not the kind of person that most professors at an Ivy league university usually are (open-minded, driven, wanting to encourage the growth of their lab members, self confident, encouraging open exchange of ideas and theories, etc...). So while I liked the work, the work environment was very stressful and degrading. At the same time Josiah, being still only 2 and with medical issues in addition to his physical issues, was often sick, so unable to go to the day care provider (whom was paid by the week regardless of how often he was there), so we had our backup sitter being called often (at $12 an hour). Those things coupled with A's drinking and lying (which got worse and worse as the car industry tanked, and car sales (being commission based) really dried up--meaning A was working long hours for no or very low pay each week), things were really becoming too much for me to handle.

By January 2009, I had confronted A about the alcohol, and A agreed to go back to counseling, re-enter recovery, and go to AA. As we were paying on average $1200 a MONTH on childcare (due to Josiah's frequent illnesses, and the need to pay the at home sitter on a very regular basis while still being contracted for the weekly fee at the day care center and G's before and after school care), it was getting ridiculous. So we decided that A would stay home (as car sales were dwindling) and that would give more time to focus on recovery, as well as take out the cost of day care. A was supposed to takeover doctor appointments and therapy stuff as well so that I could be free to focus on work. I wish I could say this is what happened.

To make a long story short (well, a long story shorter than if I told EVERYTHING, short stories are not my forte), while certain things in our relationship improved, the stress in my life continued to rise, to the point that I had to make a choice between meeting the day to day needs of my family or meeting the demands of my belligerent boss. I looked around for other opportunities and applied for a few. One was verbally offered, complete with planning out a schedule, so I quit my job at Cornell in mid-April 2009. A week after that, the new job pulled out its offer, as it had been verbal and not on paper, they were able to do that without providing a reason. So we were both without active employment. It was not as bad as it sounds as over the spring we had joined a company doing network marketing, and while slow it get started we were beginning to pick up in customers as well as people who were contemplating joining our team. However on May 5th a very close friend of A's was killed in a car accident, and A relapsed into drinking again, but briefly. By late May A was beginning to get excited about our business and to focus on that again. Then on Memorial Day, A's mother died while we were visiting my sister. A always had trouble dealing with loss, and dealing with one of the most major losses a person can experience, A fell apart. Unable to get out of bed except to go the the store to buy alcohol (as I refused to by it), unable to take care of the kids, unable to function due to the debilitating grief, it became clear to me that we needed to make some big changes quickly. I needed more support to be able to handle the kids needs as well as A's needs. We were quickly getting behind on all of our bills, and given that I had a lot of old debt due to medical related bills for J, we had no credit with which to borrow. Utilities were beginning to be shut off, we got behind in the mortgage, and something had to be done right away, as my babysitting (which I had taken back up in May) was not enough even with SSI for the boys to cover the bills. And I was unable to return to a regular job because I still needed the flexibility to meet all the kids medical and therapy appointments, and A was unable to function even to watch the kids at home.

So in August 2009, we moved back to the Adirondacks so that I could have the help of my family around. We found people to rent our house. We spent the first few weeks at my mother's house while A tried to go back to work selling cars (which lasted about a week--too much pressure while still under so much grief), and while we fixed up a trailer that my mother owned that had not been lived in for about 6 months due to the need for a lot of repairs. We got it livable, and moved in there in September, with the agreement to continue to work on the place in exchange for rent. I took on a babysitting job, and a couple of weeks later A took a job at a local convience store. A's grief was still very raw, as was to be expected so soon after such a loss, and A's drinking was constant, but A was able to function more than before. J was in a special needs preschool program and G was in first grade. While there were mounting trust issues between A and I, particularly due to active alcoholism, which is NOT how I wanted my children to be raised, things did seem to be starting to improve.

Then in October A's niece passed away. And the cycle of grief, heavy drinking and lack of functionality began again. A quit the store job, and took a job as a substitute bus aid. However, when called, A would either not answer the phone or would make up some reason that it was not doable. Finally in mid-December I confronted A about the drinking and the lies, and what it was doing to ALL of us. A went into a detox program, promising to quit drinking. It was a rough Christmas that year as A was newly sober and the first Christmas without Mom. I was still over stressed and emotionally raw from the long stress of the last year and a half, and it was just overall a bad holiday time, though we tried to make it good for the kids. I ended up throwing A out for a week, as it was just too much. We talked about it, and decided on going to counseling both individually and as a couple (which I had been asking for for over a year). We went to one couples counseling session, A stayed with individual counseling for about 6 weeks, and I stayed with it for another 5 months.

A wanted to start fresh, to make a new life for our family. There was an opportunity for me out in Rhode Island, and we worked hard to make arrangements to move out there and make a fresh start. The clincher was that A would have to move before us to get started with a job so we would have the money to really make a new start. So after a few trips out and back, we chose a house to rent, used what we had saved up to pay our first and security and in the last week of April 2010, we moved A out to RI to the new house. A's job began that week, and we had decided to go out every weekend to see A and to let the kids get used tot he new house, and that the kids and I would move after the school year ended since we were so close to the end of the year anyway. When it was Mother's Day weekend 2010, A called and said they had scheduled a double at work on Saturday, in addition to the normal Friday overnight and Sunday overnight hours, and so to not come out that weekend as it was going to be back to back work. I got this call Friday while the kids were at school and had been planning on going when they got home. So I agreed not to come, but when the kids did get home they were very disappointed, as was A because it was a holiday weekend. So we decided to surprise A and went out anyway, arriving an hour before A was needing to leave for the overnight shift.

However, when we got there it was obvious that A was drinking again (booze bottles all over the house) and A started lyng saying that the neighbors had thrown a welcome party and that A did not drink. I pretended to believe the story and for the sake of not trhowing away everything, decided to wait and ask the neighbors in question in the morning while A was at work. needless to say, the neighbors did not know what A was talking about. So after a weekend of arguing and lies, A having spent all of the funds we had reserved for the next few weeks, and a realization that nothing was going to change any time soon, the kids and I headed back home. On the way home, I had a lot of time to think and pray about things. I really realized that there was no way to make a new start in a new place when we brought all of the old stuff with us. With A drinking again, knowing that I had said i can not raise the kids with an active alcoholic, and the blatant lies, and same old manipulative crap that goes along with being an active alcoholic, I was done. I was not living a life of chaos and hell, and I was not having my children endure that type of hell. They needed stability and security even more than I did.

Leaving A was a hard decision, and one that took me a long time to make. Leaving A only a year after A's mother's death was very difficult for me, as I know it takes many years to process through the grief of such a profound loss and really find your new normal, a life without your mother in it. But I could not live with the problems that were so obviously not going away, and could not raise my children that way anymore. Deciding to become a single mom with two children with special needs was very scary to me. As A had really not been able to be there for the kids in a parental way (A was there and loved the kids but was not really preforming a caregiver role) since the drinking had resurfaced in 2008, I held out no hope that A would be a help after I left. We did do custody through the courts, and we luckily worked out things on our own, so court was really just a formality, not a fight. I have primary physical custody of the kids, A has visitation.

We have been slowly building a friendship and working relationship which will benefit the kids. We had talked around the holidays of reconciling as A had seemed to have stopped drinking, had been self supporting for over 5 months, and held down a job and place to live. Due to layoffs, A was looking for a new job, and decided to move closer to the kids (as 4 hours is a LONG way to be from your kids). A moved back here to be closer to the kids and is currently renting a room at my father's house (weird I know), and has been working a job at a local convenience store (not the same one as before) since early January. Within a couple of weeks of trying to consider reconciling, we had so many arguments and fights, that it became obvious to me that there is too much hurt, resentment, anger, and other issues for us to reconcile to a healthy relationship. I really loved being single, but had thought that for the kids it would be good to have both parents together. Alas I have learned that we are all healthier and happier living apart. It is more secure and stable for the kids for us not to be fighting and tense all the time. So A is looking for a better job and an apartment, and I am enjoying staying single. And the kids are enjoying having A living close enough for them to see almost every day, even if for just an hour at a time.

So that is where I am now. Working from home doing child transport by contract and freelance writing on the side. Trying to deal with the old house that we had been renting out as the renters decided to stop paying rent (and with my current financial situation I couldn't pay the mortgage AND our current living expenses) and it took 6 months to evict them (as I could not afford to hire a lawyer) and during that time they completely trashed the house, which was then unrentable and could not sell for what was owed on it due to the damage--so while it is on the market as is, it is also in foreclosure proceedings and will probably go to the bank, as it is unlikely that I will find a buyer in time who can pay what the bank requires. I can't move back into it because my primary income (with the right flexibility that allows me to properly meet my kids' needs) is here (4 hours away). So here I am, evaluating what my next steps are in life. Looking at the solutions to the issues that I have created for myself over the extreme stress of the past few years--excessive weight, high blood sugar, out of shape body, debt out the wahzoo, a foreclosure looming, a loss of connection with friends, a disconnect with my Spirutal life and God, and just overall loss of who I am.

So today is a new day. And I start this blog to help me maintain focus on my goals, including losing 80 pounds in the next 80 days in a healthy way. Along the way I plan to regain or build new much of what I have lost, particularly connections with God, other people, and myself. And to rebuild my finacial security so that the future is less unsure. May the Law of Attraction begin working for me instead of against me as I start to change my attitude and wake up from the nightmare that I have lived and helped to create over these past few years. I hope you will join me on this journey...Welcome To My World!