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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day whatever--18 I think it is, it's been a LOOOOONG day

SO...Today was abit of a crazy day (why does it seem I say that lot).  In the end though it turned out to be a GOOD GOOD day.

So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany.  As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...).  so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment.  So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond.  It was a nice, though crisp, morning.  I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz.  Then I headed for the path around the pond.  I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon.  So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign).  It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc...  (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead).  So it was a good releasing walk.

Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast.  I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station.  And I had a bottle of water already in my car.  After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing.  I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused. 

Anyway, I was at the library and A called.  We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to.  I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those.  Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex?  Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent?  Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship?  Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?"  Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really.  It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more.  So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done."  And A was okay with that.  So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me.  We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other.  I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut.  I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need.  That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too.  It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet.  The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down.  Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves.  Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.

After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short.  So I did not get as much done as I wanted to.  Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch.  So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch.  It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past.  It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit).  The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.

Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office.  You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur)  If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment.  So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late.  I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together.  I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off  to fold and the big wheels pop off as well.  So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building.  It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week).  I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way.  But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God.  A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at  the time).  It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book.  But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me.  Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.

So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow.  We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group.  If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch.  My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous.  I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed....  That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.

Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!!  The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids.  A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone.  It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up.  J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much  more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor.  J's lung sound good.  He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks.  He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand.  It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop.  That is a very good body awareness.  however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit.  But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him.  So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises.  He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to.  J still has an undetified skin issue.  He really needs to see another dermatologist.  But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds.  So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.

Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc.  We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer.  I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad.  So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT.  I LIKE this doc.  That is a huge relief.  (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).

On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good).  I had a bottle of water in the car as well.  We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic.  So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home.  I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!?  So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!!  but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight).  So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.

So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc... 

So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it.  And a couple fo cups of water.  I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe.  So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food.  So not a good eating day overall.  My body, brain and spirit are tired.  I really  have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors.  It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.

Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed.  I  know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there).  So, tata for now...

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