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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....

Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...

I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential.  So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you.  Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.

But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table.  As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue.  I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June".  I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep.  But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink.  It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them.  As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first.  G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them.  He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer. 

I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be.  In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business.  So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them.  So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit. 

It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting.  We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much).  I feel an odd sense of peace about this.  So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago.  Yeah, I am just getting back to it.  I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed.  It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm.  So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.

Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs.  Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that.  J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter.  He did GREAT at swimming.  I was so proud of him.  His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray.  I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby).  Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible.  If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised.  I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?"  but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.

Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me.  however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard.  In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long).  But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.

Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas.  can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar

I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening.  I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to.  that is never good.  I will be planning better.

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