Well, as odd as it seems, after such a raw day, I had a peaceful, gentle evening with A and the boys. We cooked dinner together, which is a rarity, and when we have such nice times it is easy to acknowledge how much I do miss A. There is a reason we got together, and all the bad things do not negate the good things in our relationship. We made burgers with ground chicken, oatmeal, egg, and spices, and they came out great. I chopped up some fresh potatoes for french fries,and we all had a yummy and nice family dinner together.
A knew I was upset about this whole drama idiocy going on with a certain couple of family members, and so it was nice to just have a very pleasant time together. A did ask to spend the night (and sleep on the living room floor as A has done before if I need A here for the boys in the morning) after the boys went to bed and I said no. Lets enjoy the good evening of friendship we are sharing, and focus on our friendship. I also pointed out that with bronchitis and a sinus infection, sleeping on my floor, getting run over by the cats and dog who sound like a herd of elephants chasing each other around the house at night, and then being woken up by the boys at 6:30 in the morning, then having to work from 3pm to 11pm--well, it would just not be taking care of yourself to do that. So A went home, and I am getting ready for bed.
I think I am going to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I am somewhere in season 2. I like netflix, I get to watch shows on my time, and don't have the pressure of having to catch a program at a specific time. I watch so little TV (aside from the kids movies that the kids watch) that there is no point in having cable or satellite anyway. Netflix is perfect for my lifestyle.
Okay so a final blog about my eats today. I had a chicken sandwich from Stewart's and 1/4 of a little single serve bag of sour cream and onion chips (J's favorite and he ate the rest when I picked him up) and water, of course, for lunch.
For dinner I did eat 2 of the burgers on wheat bread--they were SO tasty, and some home made fries, a banana and a cup of milk.
I am about to have a bowl of shredded wheat with a banana and milk for a snack while I watch my show. That's it....
Have a good night all...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness
Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.) It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation. I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself. There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it. The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily).
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end. I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email. I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me. So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification. I heard nothing for weeks. I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple. So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication.
Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter. His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy. And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me. Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand. But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it. So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled? Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue? Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue?
Maybe I am drawing it to myself. Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family. Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past. I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now. I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable? It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!" I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma. I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt. I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will. I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved. And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good. So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss. I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given. So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.
What is challenging me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution. I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort. I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive. So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul. It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs. I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go. That is what I have to work on. That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God. I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them.
So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself. How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap? For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there. I can't fix what is wrong in it. I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.
Well, that is where I am today.
And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for. But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part. So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Day whatever--18 I think it is, it's been a LOOOOONG day
SO...Today was abit of a crazy day (why does it seem I say that lot). In the end though it turned out to be a GOOD GOOD day.
So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany. As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...). so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment. So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond. It was a nice, though crisp, morning. I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz. Then I headed for the path around the pond. I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon. So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign). It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc... (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead). So it was a good releasing walk.
Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast. I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station. And I had a bottle of water already in my car. After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing. I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused.
Anyway, I was at the library and A called. We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to. I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those. Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex? Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent? Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship? Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?" Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really. It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more. So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done." And A was okay with that. So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me. We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other. I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut. I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need. That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too. It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet. The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down. Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves. Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.
After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short. So I did not get as much done as I wanted to. Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch. So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch. It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past. It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit). The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.
Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office. You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur) If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment. So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late. I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together. I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off to fold and the big wheels pop off as well. So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building. It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week). I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way. But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God. A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at the time). It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book. But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me. Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.
So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow. We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group. If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch. My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous. I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed.... That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.
Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!! The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids. A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone. It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up. J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor. J's lung sound good. He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks. He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand. It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop. That is a very good body awareness. however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit. But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him. So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises. He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to. J still has an undetified skin issue. He really needs to see another dermatologist. But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds. So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.
Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc. We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer. I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad. So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT. I LIKE this doc. That is a huge relief. (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).
On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good). I had a bottle of water in the car as well. We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic. So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home. I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!? So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!! but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight). So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.
So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc...
So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it. And a couple fo cups of water. I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe. So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food. So not a good eating day overall. My body, brain and spirit are tired. I really have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors. It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.
Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed. I know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there). So, tata for now...
So this morning I was getting myself all worked up about today's pulmonary appointment for Josiah with the new doctor in Albany. As I had had such a hard time dealing with the office of our primary doctor the other day trying to make sure that J's medical records were faxed correctly, as when I called Albany the other day they were not there yet (problematic,annoying, upsetting, see Tuesday's (day16) post for more info, etc...). so I was getting myself unduly worked up for this appointment. So after I dropped the kids off at school, I went to the pond. It was a nice, though crisp, morning. I first tended to the car, refilled the washer fluid, checked the oil and transmission fluid, all that jazz. Then I headed for the path around the pond. I needed to center and de-stress as I knew I was allowing undue stress, by worrying about the appointment for the afternoon. So I did four laps around the pond (a little over a mile total as 3.5 laps = 1 mile according to the sign). It was great to walk and breathe, to enjoy the spring like feel, talk to the ducks and the robins, etc... (Yes I know there is a winter storm warning tonight with the prediction of 8-12 inches of snow, but I am believing that it will fall east of here instead). So it was a good releasing walk.
Then I prepared my vanilla yogurt with instant oatmeal and dried cranberries, and enjoyed my breakfast. I did scrounge enough change in my car to buy a cup of coffee at the gas station. And I had a bottle of water already in my car. After breakfast, I headed over to the library to try to get some work done as I have had a very unproductive week with my writing. I have a couple of deadlines today that I need to meet before midnight, so I was hoping to get those two done this morning, but alas I still have some proofreading and a bit more info search on one. That is what I will be doing after I finish this blog--blogging helps me let go of the distracting thoughts rolling around my head and clears the way for me to be more focused.
Anyway, I was at the library and A called. We talked about A finding a new job, so of course I start looking up numbers and checking A's email to see if any of the resumes I sent have been replied to. I gave A number's and then looked at various help wanted sites and gave numbers and such to A for those. Then A asked me to send resumes and cover letters to a couple of the places, which I did---Okay, okay I know you are reading this thinking "isn't A your ex? Wasn't part of your reason for leaving is that you felt A needed to grow up and learn to be independent? Isn't this an awful lot like a codependent relationship? Does it really help YOU to do all of these things that A should be doing?" Yes, Yes, Yes, and not really. It starts out innocent enough, I offer a little suggestion and am willing to help a bit and soon I find myself getting more and more irritated as I end up doing more and more. So I am getting better as saying what I did today after I felt my tension, stress, resentment, and all those old feelings starting to rise up--I said "Okay I will send this one resume then I need to get some of my own work done." And A was okay with that. So it is progress, no guilt trips from A, no buried resentment from me. We are making progress towards being friends and showing respect and compassion for each other. I still need to learn to say that sooner as A is capable and I thank would be willing to do what needs to be done if the door where shut. I have just never been good at shutting the door when I see a need. That is not a bad thing, but it can lead to bad things like resentment and being over burdened and not allowing the other person to be all they can be too. It is a fine line, but one I plan to walk with anyone I meet. The world needs people who can see others with compassion, who are willing to reach out a helping hand to someone who may have fallen down. Finding the line between helping them do what they at that moment are incapable of doing for themselves (and that changes moment to moment as we all reach breaking point in some areas), and giving them the push they need to fulfill their own needs and be proud of themselves. Definitely a hard line to gauge with some situations.
After that I did work on my articles, but time was running short. So I did not get as much done as I wanted to. Then I was starving (stress makes me VERY hungry) and I had only brought crackers for lunch. So after filling the car with gas and setting aside money for later I had a couple dollars and swung by Taco Bell/Long John Silvers and got a piece of fish and a soft taco supreme for lunch. It helped calm my frazzled nerves as I went to pick up J for his appointment (I know, this eating for emotional reasons IS something I am working on, but sometimes when new coping mechanisms are not working and you NEED to calm down, you do use the coping mechanisms that you have in the past. It is THE vital reason why when someone is trying to give up an old coping mechanism (or "habit" as most people say), that you simultaneously replace it with a more healthy and doable coping mechanism (positive habit). The switch when super stressed though takes more time than when it is just a regular day.
Anyway, I picked up J from school and we headed for our 1 1/2 hour drive to Albany to get to the doctor's office. You would never know I spent 8 years living in the greater Boston area, and some of that time commuted daily into Boston, (and later into Billerica on the 128 spur) If you could see how much I HATE driving in cities, especially when I don't know where i am going AND have already been dealing with stupid stress all day due to the impending appointment. So we finally get there, and thank GOD (literally, not just saying that) they offer free valet parking for outpatient visits, as by the time I pulled up in from of the building I needed to be at (Albany Med is a HUGE place) I was running a bit late. I had to jump out, put J's wheelchair together. I drive a sedan now, and it won't fit put together as it is not a standard sling seat wheelchair, it has a solid seat and back which pop off to fold and the big wheels pop off as well. So it is handy to collapse, but it still takes a bit of time to put it together and lock everything in place before I could get him out and head inside the building. It makes me miss my station wagon (the car that died last month and I just sold to the auto salvage this week). I used to be able to just pop the back off and fold the handles down and leave it together the rest of the way. But I am ever grateful for the car I have as it was true gift from God. A good car, runs well (does need a ball joint soon but that is new) and had lower mileage (under 100K is low to me), and I got it for $400 (even though I offered $500 which was what I had at the time). It was worth over $3400 according to Kelly Blue Book. But circumstances and timing were such that I was available to be blessed by it when it became available to be a blessing to me. Anyone who tells me god does not meet our needs either has never had a true need (need and want are totally different things) OR is just not paying attention.
So, I am just rambling on nd on tonight, holy cow. We went upstairs,and I just did not know what to expect (having dealt with over 2 dozen doctors for my kids in the last 5 years, I have experienced the whole gamut, the good, the bad, the ugly, the arrogant, the kind, the understanding, the nasty, the foolish, the compassionate, the fun, etc....), and I was humbly and pleasantly surprised by how nice, how congenial, how joyful and gentle, and fun the whole place was--from the receptionist at the desk (who was bogged down with phones ringing, paperwork, checking people in--she was really extremely busy) to the nurse who took his vitals and history, to the doctor himself--It was a kind, happy, amazing group. If you have need of a pediatric pulmonary specialist and live near Albany (or like us live 100 miles away), go there, they are top notch. My stress just melted even while we were in the waiting room because the energy of the place was peaceful and joyous. I have never heard so much laughter--from patients and parent, from nurses and doctors, from the administrative and lab staff--I was just amazed.... That was most certainly a gift from God, from eh Almighty, From Source, from the Universe, from the Great Dragon, from the Well of Intention--whatever YOU call that Powerful Consciousness that all things originate from.
Anyway, J's oxygen sats were at 100% and with a cold no less, so that was amazing!! The doctor was very boisterous and fun, a rough and tumble kind of guy who really kids with the kids. A Patch Adams follower if I am not mistaken by the way he interacts with everyone. It was so refreshing after all that stress i had built up. J was responsive with him, still a little clingy to me, but much more interactive and open than he usually is with a new person, particularly a doctor. J's lung sound good. He feels the medication regiment is good, though he did add Zyrtec for whenever J has a nasal irritation (allergy, cold, etc...) as with his weak ability to cough, he can not adequately clear his airway, which has been an ongoing problem when he has post nasal drip as he has had the last couple of weeks. He did give me a sheet with breathing exercises to work on increasing J's lung capacity and diaphragm strength, but did say that J is really too young for them, but it can't hurt to try to introduce them to him if I wan to, but to just be aware that he may not really be able to understand. It si the same thing with stretching, he understands to a point that stretching his arms and legs will help him do more, just like these breathing exercises with help him breathe better, but he is four and our natural instinct is to listen to our body,a dn when it says "ow" to stop. That is a very good body awareness. however in J's case he will have to learn to override that to to what degree is safe to override it in order to see maximum benefit. But yes he is too young to really get it, but not to young to introduce it to him. So I found it great that the doctor gave us the exercises. He also is switching his cream for his skin issue, which makes me happy as the last script just was not helping as much as it needed to. J still has an undetified skin issue. He really needs to see another dermatologist. But this doc beleives as I do that it has some sort of possible allergic reaction or body over reaction to a virus, like colds. So he is trying a differnt approach than the other doctors (plural yes) have tried to manage this itchy skin issue.
Anyway, it was really great to get such a good Doc. We go back in July and he wants to talk about doing a trial break from the meds for the summer as J rarely gets sick in the summer. I am all for that, as the long term side effects of ANY medication are bad. So if we can find pockets of time when his body can be safely med free, I am ALL FOR IT. I LIKE this doc. That is a huge relief. (Most of J's docs I like becasuse it is important to trust your doc and if yoiu don't then it is vital to find one you can so that you know you are all on the same page).
On the way home J wanted McDonalds for dinner, so we swung into horrible-for-you-food place and he got a chicken nugget happy meal, and I got two dollar menu cheeseburgers and a dollar cup of coffee (I had set aside just enough money to cover our meal, am I good or am I good). I had a bottle of water in the car as well. We then drove home, or rather set out to drive home suddenly realizing that it was nearly 5:00pm and we were int eh downtown of a large city, which meant dealign with rush hour traffic. So it took MUCH longer than planned to get out of Albany and onto the Northway for the 2 hour drive home. I picked up G from my Dad's (originally A was supposed to have the day off but yesterday soemoen called and asked for a switch and A said yes!?!? So my mom took a half day today to pick G up from school and took him to her house, but she and my step dad had practice tonight (my mom and step dad are professional singers now, they just had their first album released!!! but they are new to it, and they also continue to sing with their singing group which is where they were headed tonight). So they dropped G off at my Dad's which is where I picked him up at like 7:30, well it was 8:00 by the time I left after chatting breifly with my dad and my brother.
So it was a little after 8:00 when we got home, did jammies, had a snack, did meds, etc, etc...
So I am writign on my blog, thinking about my articles, and had a snack of airpopped popcorn (which luckily did not disturb the kids) with shaky cheese on it. And a couple fo cups of water. I also snacked on few jelly beans and earlier (I forgot to mention) on the ride home J was having some skittles and I had a handful of those ~20 maybe. So a little too much pure sugar today on top of both lunch and dinner being major chain fast food. So not a good eating day overall. My body, brain and spirit are tired. I really have to breathe more and stress less about things like new doctors. It really wiped me out, but I am SO SO SO glad that the doctor and that office are both exactly what J (and I ) need for his pulmonary stuff.
Well, I best get my articles finalized and get to bed. I know there is a possible snow day tomorrow for one or both of the boys depending on exactly where, when and how this winter storm hits (final storm of the season I hope, I am aching for spring in the Mountians, outside my front door (at least I get a taste of spring everyday when I take the boys to their schools as robins, ducks, and melted snow--leaving BARE GROUND--are things I can find down there). So, tata for now...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day 17 (right?)
Sorry for the over 24 hours without an update (I know I don't have you waiting on the edge of your seatrs, but it is fun to pretend...).
Okay so yesterday just was a really long day. After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine). So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged). I just had been planning on my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit. So more stress on top of a stressful day.
Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today). So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun.
We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad. then cake and ice cream for dessert.
It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today. Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year. I was a few minutes late for it. It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting. J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it. He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will). So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic. But he does work hard. the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility. He is sucha gem. Overall the meeting went very well.
After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session. I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go. I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not.
So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.
**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day. I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf. I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water. I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.
Okay so yesterday just was a really long day. After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine). So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged). I just had been planning on my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit. So more stress on top of a stressful day.
Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today). So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun.
We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad. then cake and ice cream for dessert.
It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today. Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year. I was a few minutes late for it. It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting. J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it. He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will). So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic. But he does work hard. the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility. He is sucha gem. Overall the meeting went very well.
After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session. I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go. I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not.
So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.
**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day. I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf. I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water. I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day16--Breathing, breathing
WELL!!!
It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....
I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices. Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home? I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited.
So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all. I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration. So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care. SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do.
So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears. So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds. There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head. The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt. So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin). So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful. It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit. I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff. Every little bit helps.
So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully). I also had a bottle of water.
After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on). So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.
For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me. With a bottle of water of course.
And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.
It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....
I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices. Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home? I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited.
So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all. I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration. So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care. SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do.
So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears. So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds. There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head. The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt. So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin). So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful. It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit. I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff. Every little bit helps.
So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully). I also had a bottle of water.
After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on). So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.
For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me. With a bottle of water of course.
And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.
Monday, March 28, 2011
236000
That is my intention, my prayer, mediditation tonight
236000
I send it out to the universe
236000
I am allowing whatever comes to flow to and through me
236000
236000
I send it out to the universe
236000
I am allowing whatever comes to flow to and through me
236000
Day 15--getting back to routine
While today was a little discombobulated with having to go to the salvage yard and turn over the car's title to get paid and then back down to be able to work at the library, overall it was a good day. they boys both had a good day at school, and I got some productive work done on my website. I need to write a couple of articles this evening as they are the bread and butter of my income. And hopefully will be able to finish the page on my website that I started today.
Well on to food journalling:
Water on the ride down
Breakfast at 9:30 am when I filled up the gas tank--A Stewart's Eggwich (Sausage, egg & cheese on a hard roll) and a large cup of coffee (cream and sugar) and a bottle of water
Lunch at 1:30 while driving from library to get J--Vanilla Yogurt (low fat), with instant oatmeal packet and some dried cherries
Snack in car while waiting for G--2 chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of water
Got home and A was at my house and had cooked dinner, so I sampled some ham after I got home. Then dinner was roasted Ham, potatoes and carrots around 5:30. it was very good, and a surprise to not have to cook. While I appreciate A's cooking, it makes me wary of boundaries. but right now I am trying to go with the flow. We are trying to build a friendship and cooking dinner for someone is something a friend would do, so I am just going to appreciate it and leave my negative worries behind. I am letting go, letting go...
I will probably have a snack later. The boys had canned apricots for snack, which J liked but G not so much. I might have a little something later, maybe just a cup of tea. If I do i will come back here and put an update. Well, I best get to writing articles if I am going to have a productive evening.
Well on to food journalling:
Water on the ride down
Breakfast at 9:30 am when I filled up the gas tank--A Stewart's Eggwich (Sausage, egg & cheese on a hard roll) and a large cup of coffee (cream and sugar) and a bottle of water
Lunch at 1:30 while driving from library to get J--Vanilla Yogurt (low fat), with instant oatmeal packet and some dried cherries
Snack in car while waiting for G--2 chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of water
Got home and A was at my house and had cooked dinner, so I sampled some ham after I got home. Then dinner was roasted Ham, potatoes and carrots around 5:30. it was very good, and a surprise to not have to cook. While I appreciate A's cooking, it makes me wary of boundaries. but right now I am trying to go with the flow. We are trying to build a friendship and cooking dinner for someone is something a friend would do, so I am just going to appreciate it and leave my negative worries behind. I am letting go, letting go...
I will probably have a snack later. The boys had canned apricots for snack, which J liked but G not so much. I might have a little something later, maybe just a cup of tea. If I do i will come back here and put an update. Well, I best get to writing articles if I am going to have a productive evening.
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