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Friday, April 1, 2011

Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness

Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.)  It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation.  I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself.  There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it.  The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily). 

As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end.  I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings.  I am at a loss as to how to proceed.  As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email.  I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me.  So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification.  I heard nothing for weeks.  I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple.  So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication. 

Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter.  His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy.  And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me.  Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand.  But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it.  So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled?  Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue?  Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue? 

Maybe I am drawing it to myself.  Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family.  Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past.  I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now.  I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable?  It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!"    I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.

I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma.  I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence.  A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt.  I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will.  I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved.  And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good.  So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss.  I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given.  So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.

What is challenging  me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution.  I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort.  I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive.  So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul.  It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs.  I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go.  That is what I have to work on.  That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God.  I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them. 

So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself.  How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap?  For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there.  I can't fix what is wrong in it.  I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.

Well, that is where I am today.

And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for.  But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part.  So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.

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