My baby is 5 tomorrow--8/8

Today we had a family birthday party for Josiah at my mom's house, with my most of my family.  Josiah was in his glory, he loves birthdays and he loves to be the center of attention, so for him it was like heaven.  He wanted a fish cake, so I did my best to make a cake shaped like a fish.  It came out alright, not great, but it was definitely a fish, and he was happy.  My mom has pics on her camera and I will post them when she emails them to me. 

I was not there the day he was born, and his arrival was not heralded with fanfare and joy.  His birth was very early and traumatic, and was to an overwhelmed young mother who already had 5 boys at the age of 25, who had sought to abort him just two short weeks before only to be told she was too far along.  He had so many issues with his early birth, and so few supports and so few people looking out for him. He was born at 28 weeks, 12 weeks too early and had many, many complications.  My sister had twins at 30 weeks, who had a large family there to love and support them, visit them, pray for them, hold them, love them....Josiah had no one but the hospital staff.  His mother signed him over to the adoption agency right away, and the social worker visited him once when the papers were signed, and entrusted his care to the hospital.  I just think about how difficult life was for the twins during that early time, when life and earth were so close to each other in such a young little body, and how they had the energy of love and family as well as the support of the hospital to help them through.  And they had many fewer issues than Josiah did (they are 13years old now and both amazing kids, with no complications (aside from my niece's eye problem with one eye that has done what Josiah's eye is doing). 

I look at this amazing little boy, and realize how absolutely blessed I am to have become his parent.  He is my joy, my heart beat, my purpose....I sometimes feel like I was entrusted with one of the greatest gifts that God has ever put on this earth when I look at this child, and God trusted ME enough to take responsibility for protecting him, teaching him, raising him....Does everyone feel that way about their child?  This old soul in a broken body with a tremendous spirit was entrusted to me, and he has become my purpose for being.  So many days I feel like God created me specifically for this--to bring this gift up into adulthood, to guard and protect him, to love and cherish him, and to help him find his way.  There are many other things I had done in my life and many things I will do after Josiah is grown, but I fell in my heart of hearts, that this boy is one of my primary purposes for existing. 

I haven't shared that with many people, mainly because I think some would come running with the white coats and calling for padded rooms.  Other would think I was just plain nuts (rather  than of the padded room variety nuts), and still others may think I am over dramatic, or putting too much emphasis on my son, or thinking too much of myself, or whatever.  So normally I keep these thoughts to myself, but today, I decided to share them, and share them publicly no less.  Because I am so proud that my son is 5 years old tomorrow.  In a few months we will celebrate the first time I met him as a tiny baby ready to be released from the hospital after 2 1/2 months, then I will remember the absolute hell and terror those first few months with him, and all of the amazing people that showed their love and support, including my dear friend and Reverend Jacquie, who drove an hour and a half to the hospital to baptize him in the middle of the night when we were not sure he would make it through the night (about 10 days after he came home), and my mother and Jim, and A's mother and sister who all came that same night each driving over 3 hours through the middle of the night to be there with us.

But little man is going to be five tomorrow, and what an amazing boy he is....

(my niece Savanna took this pic of him tonight at my mom's house.  It is a silly picture and I love his one eyebrow raised looked...)

Asking again for prayers for two special kids...

I am reposting an old post from March or April about both Micheal and Haven, as I am still praying for them and ask you to join me. 

I have been assigned as their Prayer Warrior through Reece's Rainbow.  So I am committed to praying for them until they have a committed family.  Please join in in sending your prayers and your good will out to them and to potential families who may be a good match for them.  And if you know anyone contemplating adoption, especially adoption of a child with special needs, please share Reeces Rainbow with them.  Even if they do not adopt a child listed there, the information, community, and connections with other parents adopting kids with special needs is incredible and a great Gift from God.

Here is Michael D.:

He is in Russia and he looks very well taken care of at the orphanage.  Please pray that he is adopted before he is transferred to an institution as he is 5 years old, where in Russia he will then be unadoptable.  If he has a committed family before (or very near) his 5th birthday, they can keep him at the orphanage while the necessary process is underway.  He is running out of time...
Info from RR: Michael D.
Date of Birth: June 2006
Gender: Male
Eyes: Gray
Hair: brown
Character: calm

And this is Haven, and her info from RR: 

"Girl, Born March 2006

Poor Haven……sweet little girl.   Such a pretty girl burdened with such medical and cognitive difficulties….and no mama to love her through them.

From her medical records:  celiac disease, CP, toxic Hepatitis, hypotrophy of III stage

From our team who visited there: Haven is afraid of strangers and would not interact with us "

I am not sure which country she is in, though most EE countries transfer to institutions at the age of 5.  It appears she is NOT in Russia, so even if she is transferred, it might still be possible for her to be adopted.  However, medical care at the institutions tend to be very poor, and often over 50% of kids transferred do not survive their first year.  With her medical issues, an institutional life will be a short one.  So pray that a family steps forward for her soon.

For those of you who do not know, Reece's Rainbow is an absolutely amazing organization that helps connect people seeking children with waiting children who have special needs.  It also helps raise funds for adoption for both waiting children and for families.  Additionally (this is the greatest of all) they are working in various countries to help establish supports and groups for people who WANT to keep their children.  It is truly an inspired and amazing group that is addressing the issues from multiple fronts. I have been following the founder since the very beginning of Reece's Rainbow back in 2005--before there was even a website.  Many children with special needs in foreign countries are institutionalized at a very young age for even minor special needs, and given no education, no chance to become active, functioning members of society.  Like the US used to do 30-40 years ago, until it was finally realized that people with special needs, given the right supports from early on, can often go on to live full, functional lives--have jobs, friends, and even families of their own.  By institutionalizing them, it takes away not only the life they could have, but also puts a high burden on the government to care for people, many of whom could care for themselves if they were taught to during their early years.  Or if they have families, the families and friends can and do help with care that is needed if the person can not care for themselves.   There is very little need for institutions, as even residence facilities provide a better quality of care and provide more opportunity for people with disabilities to experience life and contribute to the community by being part of it.  So, I advocate for the adoption of children with special needs (hence the two amazing little boogers I have (who in a foreign country would be institutionalized (well J with his medical issues would probably not have survived his first six months)).  And I advocate for as much inclusion as is possible for both children and adults with special needs (and I do mean possible, as my dear G is not able to function well in a mainstream inclusive classroom, and thus has less inclusion than I like, but only as it is necessary for his success and the success of those around him).  When my mother started working at the residences, she would always invite one of two of the residents to join us for BBQ's, holiday meals, etc...  They are people too, and can contribute to life (maybe in a different way than most are used to) and deserve to be treated with respect. 

Oh, and a note on why an International Downs Syndrome (and other special needs) Adoption group?  Why not focus on the USA?  Well, both of my kids ARE from the US, and I do pray for kids who are waiting in the US, as there is a high need EVERYWHERE for children without families to be adopted.  So I choose to advocate for both--I am not nationalistic in my desire to care for the orphans of the world, all people, no matter where they were born, deserve to know the love of a family (even when that family is not perfect (as long as it is not abusive), it is still better than not having one).  The first goal should be to keep familes together whenever possible (employing supports rather than punishments to fascilitate that), and when not possible, to get the child into a permanent family as soon a possible.  I have qualms about both the insititutional model of raising kids who for whatever reason are no longer with their familes, and I have issues with the way foster care and adoption are run in  our own country.  But I understand the necessity of both, and until other solutions are in place, they are the systems that we all must work with to ensure that families and children can find the safest and most potential supporting way to live.

Updated my other blog

Hi all,

I just wanted you to know I update my gratitude blog (the one on my website) today.  Both the website and the blog have been a bit neglected this summer, but as I posted there instead of here today, I thought I would let you all know.  That blog is specifically about the topic of gratitude, which is a big part of the Transformation journey.  So while this blog is more robust and covers all sort of things--both interesting and mundane, on a wide range of topics and thoughts that cross my mind, and is sometimes too personal (I know I probably need to filter a little better)--that blog focuses on the topic of daily gratitude (and I am moving towards making it a daily posting, but right now it is still posted to erratically).  I will be spending some time in the next month dealing with some glitches and trying to update my website to make it more useful and user friendly.  So it is a work in progress.

If you want to check out the Gratitude blog, click here: http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/gratitude.html

If you just want to check out the website (which you can access from the blog too), click here:
http://powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com/

Forming habits....breaking habits

Well, so....

My son says that all the time "well, so...."  and I think I have mentioned this before, but I had wondered for a long time where he got it from.  Then one day I caught myself saying it and realized that I say it ALL THE TIME without even realizing it.  I have also realized that I type it often without realizing it.  I am not even sure I think about it in terms of context or anything else.  It is just something that I say unconsciously.  Funny the way the mind works....

Anyway, SO....Habits!

Habits are so much a part of life that we tend to not even think about them until we are trying about to change something in our lives.  Nearly everything we do in our basic, daily living routine is done by habit.  That nice repetitive way we make our choices and structure our day.  Even our interactions with our family, friends, and co-workers are based on habitual behavior and thought patterns.  From what we eat or drink to what time we leave for work (are you always running late too?--its habit), to what clothes we wear, when we call our mother, and what we think about the weather.

According to the ARDictionary.com HABIT is "Definition: The usual condition or state of a person or thing, either natural or acquired, regarded as something had, possessed, and firmly retained; as, a religious habit; his habit is morose; elms have a spreading habit; esp., physical temperament or constitution; as, a full habit of body. "

According to the World English Dictionary Habitat is "the environment in which an animal or plant lives or grows; and the place in which a person, group, class, etc... is normally found."


Habits, the unconscious patterns that give each of us our individual habitat....Because it is by our habits that we end up where we are usually found.

So, why all this talk about habits--well, as we all know losing weight (or any other major transformation) required we make changes in the way we do things--the way we eat, the way we use our body, the patterns of our sleeping, etc...  And for that change to truly be a lasting change and thus a transformation, it has to be a change in the habits of our thought patterns as well as our actions.  If you only change the actions but the underlying thought patterns have not changed, it will not last.  For example, if you want to lose weight and you go on, say the Atkins diet, doing low carb everything, follow the plan exactly as written and get down to your ideal weight, even if it takes many months.  Well that is a great accomplishment.  But if your underlying conscious and subconscious thought habits still think about food in the same way you did prior to starting the Atkins, you are going to eventually move back into your old eating patterns (say you still believe, even after Atkins, that you need a particular amount of grains in your regular diet as depicted by the food pyramid) then you will move back into eating a more habitual, grain heavy diet and slowly build back into the same situation you were in, or find yourself battling against the return of the weight instead of enjoying your new, healthier body with new habits and new habitual ways of thinking.  It is why "dieting" is only marginally successful.  You see it all the time, people lose the weight on this diet or that diet, only to gain it back a few months or years later.  I think the major reason for this is NOT that the person had no will power or what have you, but rather that the basic underlying habits in thought did not change while the conscious actions of the body were changing.

I find this in myself as I am trying to create new habits.  They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit, others say it takes doing something around 21 times over a 40 day period to create a habitual change in action.  I believe that it is possible that both of these are true.  There is something about that three week mark when doing something diffrent that it starts to really click and become part of you.  I remember a sermon at chapel in college once that talked about praying the same prayer (a 3-6 word, succinct prayer) every day for 30 days, and how you could literally see the steps that were making that prayer come true unfold before you.  It is the consistency of thought and focus that brings God's power and your awareness together so that you can open your eyes and see it.  It is the change in the habit of your thoughts and spirit that facilitate that.  The teaching in the Law of Attraction ideas are based on the observation that the more you focus on it, the more it comes into being for you.

So....I have found that after over 10 days of a vegetable, fruit, and algae smoothie a day (which I loved), I had a couple of days where I got up late and did not have time to make it, and low and behold I have dropped right back into my old habit which does not include a morning smoothie.  Even though I LOVED the smoothie and have on occasion made one in the afternoon, that habit I had started building of getting up early and making a fresh green smoothie to take on the road with me has not become a habit.  So I need to get into the commitment and motivate myself to overcome the habitual patterns that make me NOT get up and make a smoothie in the morning.  This transition time is a time which requires persistence, motivation, and the brute force effort of will power to overcome those ingrained habits and replace them with habits that I WANT for my life...both externally and internally.

The smoothies is just one example, but my other eating habit changes are definitely still in a great deal of flux and I find it easy to slip back into old patterns rather than push forward in forging new ones. So it is time to redouble my efforts.  What I really realize though is how much our HABITS dictate what our eventual HABITAT becomes. 

So often I have heard people say "i don't know how my life got to where it is today."  Sometimes they have a great life and are looking at it in awe going "how'd I get here?!"  and it is a sense of wondering and joy.  More often though, a person is looking at crap in their lives and where they have ended up and is wondering the same question "how'd I get here?!?" 

Baring major natural disasters (earthquakes, floods, volcanic eruptions, government screw ups...) or sudden traumatic personal/familial events (war, sudden death, fast developing medical conditions, arrival of a child with special needs, major accident with serious injury, house fire, running out of checks....), most people, if we are really honest with ourselves, can look at what our habits are and see how they led us to the habitat we find ourselves in.  Whether we meant to end up there or not and whether or not we were aware of how our own actions and ideas brought about subtle changes in our lives which led to where we are today, very often we find ourselves where we are because of unconscious habits of thought and action.  For example, if I am always thinking about how a particular person is going to impact my life, and keep expecting that this is what is going to happen when I see this person, stressing about it and focusing on it, that is what will happen, in part because I react to that person as though it has already happened. This perpetuates a reaction from them that validates my original thinking, which makes me react in a predictable manner, which in turn brings more of what i did NOT want, but because I focused on it and reacted to life in a way that would make it real, it then became real. 

I am in debt far higher than I can pay right now.  And you could say that it happened because of J's medical issues and the issues with his insurance during the first few months he was with us, and that would, in part be true.  There were a LOT of medical bills that we were not prepared for and there was a major paperwork snafu which lead to him not getting the secondary insurance he should have had from the get go, that he didn't get until 5 months later.  Thus leaving a lot of unpaid medical bills in the meantime.  And the fact that his issues and needs really required one of us to be home with him full time (after we tried a handful of other options, so it was a good 7 months after he arrived before I resigned from my job).  So the loss of income combined with the medical bills could fall under the acceptable "out of my hands/control" situation.  Except for the fact that a good deal of the debt I am dealing with was incurred prior to his arrival.  Yes it was incurred at a time when we had the income level that could make the payments and everything, but it was that whole "living the American dream" on credit as so many of us do.  So when disaster DID strike in the form of Josiah (whom is a bomb I would welcome at any time and place and do all over again even though the next year and a half were a blurry hell filled with pockets of intense joy and light.  He is my bomb that became a balm.) it landed on a lot of ammunition creating a bigger impact.

It was not Josiah's medical and paperwork issues that created the primary debt problem I am still dealing with.  It was not even leaving my job that created it.  It was the fact that we had been living on the economic edge prior to his surprising arrival in our lives, with our credit near the max and
 having depleted our savings and resources on two adoptions (Rustam who never came home, and Gonzo's whose legal battle gave us the second mortgage on the house), we were unable to handle such an impact on our lives.  BUT we were unaware of that at the time, and continued in our habits.  If things had gone just a little different, the impact would have been different.  If J's paperwork had been in order, he would have had secondary insurance from the get go and those first three months of emergency room runs, major brain surgery, and long stays in the ICU would have been covered.  If A had not resigned two weeks into J's hospital stays (without discussing it with me), our income might have been more stable some issues might not have  occurred.  If we had found a nanny capable of handling J and G's issues (like a nurse or something) things might have been different.  IF......if.......if.......

But it was our habitual thought patterns--X has to happen, Y is the way things should be, Z is how you  handle ABC, and if you need more money, just borrow it, we can always pay it back later when things calm down.......(famous last thoughts.....)

My life is the way it is in so many areas because of the way that my habits and my conscious and subconscious thought patterns and beliefs have been.  Yes, things happen in life we have no or very little control over, but we DO have control over how we react, and if we are not working very hard on changing our lives to be better, we react out of habit, and keep bringing ourselves into the same habitat.  It is where we expect to be, and where others expect to find us.  our habits create our habitat.  To truly change our lives, to transform my life, to get into a new habitat, i need to change my habits at their core, that the subconscious and conscious levels of thought in addition to action....

It's a long road.....but a road none the less, and if I run out of road I can bushwhack a trail if I need to.  Transformation appears to be a slow process....

Amazing Blessings--Improptu kid-free weekend and Old Friends

So, a very dear friend of mine is going through a difficult time right now.  She is my best friend in fact and we have known each other since we were freshmen in college a mere 19 years ago.  I was maid of honor at her wedding 15 years ago, she was matron of honor at my ceremony 7 years ago, we have been through thick and thin together, and have been anchors in each others lives for these long years, whether we lived in the same house, in the next town over, or over 250 miles apart.  She is going through the breakdown of her marriage, and this past weekend was moving from the apartment she and her husband have shared for 6 years to move into the little one bedroom in-law apartment in her parents basement.  This, as you can imagine is a very hard move, as the processes involved in the ending of a marriage are all very painful and require a lot of changes, both inside and outside of a person.  So, I really wanted to be there to support her in this move and help her move both her possessions and her emotions into this new situation.

However I did not think it would be possible, as taking the kids with me would not be helpful to anyone, even if they were neuro-typical children, small children visiting from 6 hours away is just not going to help with the physical act of moving or with the emotional transitions taking place.  And with the difficulties between A and I last week, A had said NO to watching the kids so that I could go do that (originally A had said yes, but then all hell broke loose when I made the decision to say what I said and A backed out).  Then at the last minute on Friday late morning, A agreed to keep the kids and stay at my house with them for the weekend so that I could go help my friend.  This was difficult as A really has not had the kids solo very much in the past 9 months, and for a solid 48 hours at that.  But I was glad that A was ready to have some one-on-two alone time with the boys, as that is important for their relationship to not always have mama there.

So, as I had not prepared for the trip and was in GF waiting for the boys to be done with school, I cleaned the car out at the car wash (vacuumed and wiped down the inside (a stick mess it was, and more cereal in all the nooks and crannies than I can to admit)), got the oil changed (and they discovered an old squirrels nest in the air filter system, so I had them change both air filters (engine and cabin)), got a free car wash (part of the oil change package--yeah Jiffy Lube and Hoffman's), and then picked up the boys.  It meant driving an hour in the "wrong" direction to take them home, got them settled, packed my car, made my green smoothies for the ride, made a sandwich, waited for A to be ready (A had errands to run too and forgot to get cigs, so ran out at the last minute to get cigs--I'm so glad I quit smoking so many years ago), and finally at about 5:45pm, unbeknownst to my dear friend, I hit the road for the Boston area.  By the time it was around 10:00pm, I figured I should call my friend and let her know I was coming.  She did not answer so I just left a message telling her to call me on my cell phone (which means I was not within 30 minutes of home as I live in an area where cell phones don't work anywhere nearby).  So as I am getting off the exit that is only 5 minutes from her house (around 11:00pm) she returns my call and asks me where on earth I am that I am on the cell.  So I tell her the exit I am getting off.  What a GREAT reaction I got!!!  There is nothing like surprising a friend with your presence.

The move went well, and I actually had the foresight to call another friend of mine from college on Friday when I found out I was going to come, and let her know, as nearly every time I have been in the area she has been out of the area (oddly three times when I was within 30 minutes of her house, she was within 30 minutes of mine--6 hours away).  So I had left her a message telling her about the move, and she was able to come up and help with the move and spend some time with us.  It was the third time I have seen her in 7 years, so it was wonderful to catch up with her and for both of us to help my dear friend. 

On Sunday, my friend that I was visiting had to work in the morning instead of her normal routine of going to church (her farm (she is a therapeutic (and regular) riding instructor) had a horse show and some of her students were in it).  Her mother invited me to attend church with her, but I decided that it would be an opportune time to go to services at my old church, where I had attended when I was in college, as it was only a couple of towns over.  I am so blessed to have been able to do that.  I did get lost on the way there as in the years since leaving the area (11 years ago) I somehow forgot exactly how to get there from where I was.  So I missed the Sunday school, as I drove over to my Alma mater, and backtracked from there without any problems.  I arrived early for service and was able to chat with an older gentleman (83 years old now) who had worked at my college and attended this same church when I was there, and so it was great to talkand catch up with him for a bit as I was early for services.  I connected with a couple of other familiar faces during the pre-service time, and was keeping an eye out for one particular couple whom are very near and dear to my heart, that I have not actually seen face to face in over 8 years.  I have kept in touch via email, phone and more recently facebook, but not had in presence time with either of them in a LONG time.  I knew that he was working at the church as the Director of Children's Ministries, so I figured I was bound to find them.  After service, I walked around a bit looking for them (the church has grown from a single church building with a parsonage next door to having multiple buildings, and unbeknownst to me, multiple services at the same time).  As I came around a corner, I saw him come out of a door.  What a huge blessing it was to greet him and give him a big hug (and say hello to their daughter who is now 10!).  He asked if I had seen his wife yet (she and I had many classes and many late nights studying together, as well as a lot of fun times, and I am closer to her than to him, though have known him and cherished him almost as long as I have known and cherished her), and I told him no, so he led me into the other building where she was.  And I got to have the great experience again of the reaction of surprising an old friend with my presence!!!

We had an amazing time reconnecting.  They invited me over for lunch, and even though I really was supposed to be leaving to get back home after church, after we stood there for an hour chatting I decided to accept their invite.  It was absolutely marvelous seeing their home, meeting their new little one who is only 6 months old, re-meeting their oldest who is now 10 and I haven't seen since she was 2, and really talking with them about life and what they have been up to and what I have been up to and all that.  Time of course went way too quickly, and soon it was far past the time that I should have been gone, so I did have to leave.  I am hoping that next month (or rather this month I guess as it is August already isn't it!?!) I can get out there again with the boys this time, after their summer program ends and before the regular school year begins.  Maybe we can go out to the area and camp near the ocean and enjoy a vacation with some more time with old friends stopping by (oddly I did not get the chance to greet my beloved ocean, I was just a couple of miles too far inland, but I was happier to see my human friends than to greet the great sea this time around, though I do miss the ocean). 

Anyway, A was not horribly upset by my later than planned arrival (of course I called after church to let A know I had run into old friends and would be later than planned, and then called after I was on the road as it was even later than the later I thought it would be.)  As it was after 11pm when I arrived home, the kids were well into their slumber.  I had talked to them on the phone before they went to bed and let them know I would kiss them both when they were sleeping as I would be home in the middle of the night.  They did wake up around 4am, and I tucked them in bed again, so that worked.  Then we were up at 6am (well 6:30 I was slow to rise this morning) and got them ready and we drove down for school (just a little late getting there).  I spent some time at the laundry mat and now I am at the library. 

I feel refreshed and renewed, not only by the kid-free weekend (don't all parents need that once in a while!?), but more so by the amazing joy that comes from reconnecting with old friends.  I have not really realized it, but I am actually lonely much of the time--not that pining kind of lonely, but that deep, isolated feeling.  And it is not that I do not have amazing friends, but it is that, as you can see from above, the past few years, I have not had a lot of real, close connections and time with friends.  Part of that is just a natural artifact of raising children, some of it is more drastic than usual because of the isolating factor of raising children with special needs, and part of it is the slow erosion that took place during the harder years with A, which really pushed me further and further away from friends and family.  So, it also does not help that many of my dearest friends live far away from where I am.  Having moved 4 hours from the area I lived for nearly 10 years took me away from those friends, and the dear friends from college are spread out all over the country (many still in the greater Boston area (and all of New England)), but some in California, some in Indiana, some in Florida, some in Alaska...

While right now I know that I need to be near family and that the school situation for the boys is well set up for this year, I can't help toying with the idea (yet again) of moving back to the Boston area someday.  But then I will have the problem that I always have--when I am living near the ocean, I miss the mountains, and when I live in the mountains I miss the ocean.  There are more jobs in the greater Boston area than in the rural area I live, but there are also a LOT more people, and I love the peace, quiet and security of the rural mountain towns. I would be closer to friends--very dear friends, but father from family.  I have gone round and round about this many, many times over the past few years.  I am sure I will go round and round about it many more times.  For now, I am staying where I am, working on getting my health back up to par, working on getting a solid base for my children in their schooling and social development, and working on transforming myself and my life into the person I want to be and the life I want to provide for my children, and if, in the future on or more of those steps brings me back to the Boston area--well then hooray!!!  But until that would be a positive move for all areas of my life and development and the lives and development of my children, we will suffice with visiting there for now.  I do plan to visit a LOT more often than we have been these past few years though.

So good friends and a weekend away is like a breathe of fresh air for the soul.   And I look forward to having a few days on the ocean with the boys in August, and connecting again with those friends whom I have been away from for too long...

seeking for calm...

So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault.  As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen.  It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith.  It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness.   But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery. 

Hopefully things have calmed down some today.  I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation.  It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?). 

Stress increases my desire to eat.  Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream).  So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good.  BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280.  Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.

The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us.  This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school.  Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright.  Gonzo has too.  So for this I am grateful.  I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions.  And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too.  I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see.  So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like

"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry.  Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been.  We still both love you and we are still both here for you.  And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can.  So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy.  Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now.  And things will get better very soon."

Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but  I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard).  But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.

Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend.  I'll probably write again on Monday.  Have a great weekend.

Truth may set you free, but it can be very painful...

It is said that "the truth will set you free", and even though it took me a long time to really accept the truth, and I knew immediately that I had to speak the truth even if it seemed abrupt and "out of the blue", I knew that living with the truth unspoken once realized would be wrong.  But free or not, truth sometimes makes life a lot more painful and a LOT more stressful for a while--I suppose its the adjustment period after have a profound deep realization of a truth. I can't live a lie and I will not give false hope to anyone when I know the truth, so that they too can move forward.
You may be wondering what I am talking about...well in my earlier post form earlier this week I spoke of the realization that I had that I am no longer in love with my separated spouse.  We have been separated for almost 15 months now, but I left for a multitude of reasons, and not being "in love" was not one of them.  Throughout this whole ordeal (beginning in 2008, about 20 months before I left) I have felt a lot of emotions that have gotten in the way of that "in love" emotive suite, but always knew that deep down underneath--below the pain and anger, the resentment and powerlessness, the worry and incredulity--that there was still that spark, still the yearning to be together, to rekindle the flame of love, to be in a spousal relationship, to know that after all that we have gone through both together and apart, that there is still that connection that drew us together into a relationship deeper and more profound than friendship.  Even as I spent time saying there was no chance we could get back together, I could never bring myself to say with certainty that there was no chance, because I believed that underneath my anger and pain, that the spark was still there. 

A few months ago it had gotten back to me that someone had said I was leading A along with false hope (even though I had explicitly said I did NOT want to get back together).  A part of me still held out a little bit of hope that things would come full circle and we could rebuild (or rather build anew) our full family structure together.  As I was not sure how long that would take, we really have been focusing on building a solid, secure friendship in which we bring mutual respect and care to that table as we co-parent our children while not together.  IT has been a good experience.  We have been able to enjoy each other's company, spend time together as a family, and have good conversation.  We really have been successful in building a friendship.  And A has the freedom to drink, spend money, make decisions, and do whatever without me interfering.  AND I have the freedom to NOT stress about A's drinking (which has been in moderation lately--a new and exciting step for A--which I can celebrate rather than get angry at), and to make my own choices, and live my own life too.  Things that have annoyed or bothered me, I can just ignore and let go.  I am not living with A, I am not "with" A, and so choices that I would not want for MY life, can just be let go because A's life is not my life.  This has greatly reduced tension between us.  I know what I can and cannot live with and A knows what A can and cannot live with.  And living separately, we don't end up forcing the other person to live in a situation that is unsafe or unacceptable for them.  I don't nag A and try to control A's life (though somehow I am still doing all the laundry (A's included) and making sure the car insurance is up to date even though my name is no longer on it).  And A can drink and do whatever A wants without worrying about someone harping on it.  There is obviously a lot more than that, but why go into it all.  Suffice to say, it is better to be friends with A and live our separate lives, than to be together and both be miserable and feel unsafe and disrespected in our daily lives. 

But over the past few weeks, I have really been looking at what it would be like to try to get back together with A.  A part of me hates the idea of our family being separated forever.  I WANT that old feeling of being excited that A is coming home.  I WANT that feeling or wanting to be close and be a together family again.  I WANT to look at our wedding album and read the song my mom wrote for us or the plaque my friend Nykie made for us, and be able to say "we made it through that huge crater in the road".  I WANT to wake up and have my spouse sleeping next to me.  I WANT to have a home where we both are and the kids can just have one place to lay their heads (technically they do now as A comes to my house to see the kids, but that's another thing).  I WANT to be able to plan for the future as a family and be able to discuss all of those decisions that you have to make in life.  I WANT to have a partner to walk through life with, to share the big things and the little things, to support each other through both good and bad times.  I WANT the Charles and Caroline Ingalls kind of love, respect, and devotion.  I want the Cliff and Claire Huxtable kind of humor-filled, love-filled, respect filled home.  I want to be that family that through thick and thin, no matter what, that pulls together, works together, and has the love and respect for each other that keeps them together for 50 years.  I WANT to do the hard work that really making a marriage last takes. I WANT an equal partner that brings half of the strength, joy, and ideas, and carries half of the burden of building, and maintaining, the needs of the family, and of the relationship. I WANT to have that spark that never dies even in the most trying times.

I also WANT to win a million dollars.  I WANT to go back to school and finish my PhD someday.  I WANT to have a nice house in the country.  I WANT my children to be healthy and free of their special needs.  I WANT to have a bunch of chickens.  I WANT to have a thin and healthy body.  I WANT to have a mini-van.  I WANT to have a dog that does not bring home fleas.  I WANT to always have enough.  I WANT to live to be 97.  I WANT to have the US economy fixed overnight.  I WANT to a world without war.  I WANT a lot of different things--some of which I can take steps and actions towards making them real in my life, and some of which I have no real control over.  In order for a relationship to be what I envision, I need to have someone on the other end of the relationship sharing that vision and working towards it as I work towards it.  That is one of those things about relationship, both people have to be moving in relatively the same direction with relatively the same goal, and with comparable levels of motivation and determination.  Unlike some other goals, relationship is the only one that absolutely requires the other person to be on the same page.

The other night A and I tried to get share something we have not shared since before our separation.  I was up half the night after that with this sense that something was terribly wrong.  We had been getting along really well.  We had been talking about building this camping area t my Dad's together, we had been doing a lot of family things together, we had been talking about how not having to stress about certain issues that were difficult in the past was great, and we seemed to be moving forward in some ways.  Yes there were things there are obviously still not right, and there was no way that we are in a place that we would want to be together again as a couple yet, but things were calm and enjoyable between us.  We have both changed in a lot of ways, and are kind of relearning who we are for ourselves and who each other are (poor grammatical syntax, I know).  But after I spent a lot of time looking deeply at what I was feeling and thinking, that it finally dawned on me what was missing, what was wrong.  That spark that I figured was just buried under all the hurt and anger and resentment, that spark that is really necessary to provide the motivation to do the monumental amount of hard work to rebuild a broken and painful relationship, that spark that makes you want to do whatever it takes to find the path back...that spark for me was gone.   IT was not just buried, it was not just crushed under all the crap that we had piled on top of it, it was not just flickering and needing fuel, it was gone.  I was not "in love" with A.  I was not attracted to A.  The desire to work towards what I WANT was that I WANT the idea.  But an idea can not sustain you.  "OMG" I thought,"I really have been leading A on and giving false hope. "  I have been lying to myself, I don't know for how long, but at least for a while.  I have been telling myself that if I just worked hard enough to overcome my anger, my resentment, my pain at what has transpired, that we could make it work.  But I have no desire to be in a marriage that has not got that deep sense of love, of attraction, of one-ness.  And I have no intention of hiding my lack of feelings and letting A not move on to have the option of finding someone who is passionate about A. 

Do I love A?  Yes, of course.  A is the other parent of my children, and has been becoming a good friend.  I do have love in my heart for A, and hope that we can remain friends and remain able to continue to be good parents to our children.  But I don't want to be with A, I don't want to be A's spouse.  Through this whole thing, I have felt "I don't want to be with A right now"  and had a laundry list of reasons why (some very good that anyone would understand and some nit-picky that only I would understand).  But I always figured it was temporary.  I realized the other day.  That I don't want to be with A.  Not in a "right now" sense, but in a "that's that" kind of sense. 

I felt it was necessary to share this with A, and did not do a very good job of it.  I don't want A to NOT move on emotionally.  I want A to make that informed choice.  I know that A still has that spark for me (even though I have heard "I hate you" out of A's mouth more often than I care to count over the past 3 years).  I know that A wants to be with me.  But we have both changed, and there are so many things that I am NOT willing to live with and that I will NOT have my children having to live with (some of which A agrees with me on, especially about the kids), that are still such a big part of who A is at the moment.  And without that internal, driving emotive suite of feelings and reasons of WANTING to be with A, it seems futile and pointless for us to put our lives on hold any longer when I really, honestly and truly am done.

I am having a hard time trying to explain to A, heck I am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself in a way that makes the words make any sense.  How do I explain the finality of the emotions that I am having verses the slight hope that used to be there.  How can I say for certain that a spark could never grow again?  How could i say that there really is no hope?  I have used all of the words before that I use now, but it is what is behind them that is so different.  Words are such a horribly limited way to communicate...to express the subtle differences that truly make a huge difference.  I can't even find the words to explain it myself to my self, it is a knowing more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than anything easily subjective.  It is a knowing.....