Well, the first week of school has been interesting. Gonzalo is doing very well so far. I have noticed as the summer went on (both while he was in summer school and during our weeks at home afterwards) that he seems to have gained some maturity and is gaining an understanding of the fact that to make friends he has to treat his peers with more respect. At school so far he has had a really good week. He has also discovered reading for pleasure, which is something I have been trying to cultivate for him, as I know how great it can be to enjoy, learn from, and lose yourself in books, especially as a stress control method. I am looking forward to him being in the same classroom with teachers who know him well, know his triggers, know the signs that he is heading for trouble, and know how to work with him to help him keep himself under control so that he can enjoy life, enjoy school, learn, and move forward. His teachers care, and that is vital to him being able to be successful and grow in positive directions.
Josiah has had a rough start to Kindergarten, as I mentioned in my previous post. I have had a rough week too, because I know knee-jerk reactions will not help anything, and keeping my head about me when I feel things are not being done in the best way for him. He is my baby after all. We had the same types of issues when Gonz went to kindergarten. Children with special needs present issues in a variety of areas for a variety of reason, not just their primary area of development that dominates their special needs. And even teachers with some experience with children with special needs have to take time to learn about and adjust to a new child, even if they have had similar children before. As Kindergarten marks the year when a child goes from the child-centric, super supportive of the individual environment of a special needs preschool (like both Gonzo and Josiah had for their 3-5 year old ages), it is a shock to enter mainstream (or in G's case integrated) public school kindergarten, where it is class-centric, group focused, not focused on how to best educate and support each individual child. So he needs time to learn how to be an individual that is the member of a group. The great learned institutionalism that dominates our modern society. It has its place, but it also alienates people who are amazing, intelligent people, who just do not conform well to the expected tacit rules. Josiah will adjust, he has a personality that really does want to fit in. I think it will get easier for him as he gets used to how things work, and I hope that the daily communication between the school and myself will make it easier for them to learn how to help him, and for him to learn how to help himself.
Starting school each year, especially when the kids are changing schools or dealing with new people who have expectations that the kids need to adjust to, brings me back to my wondering how to help the kids find the balance between being part of a group (institutionalism) and staying true to who they are (individualism). I have trouble striking the balance sometimes, though am normally successful at it. My basic core values and the basic expectations of this culture have a lot of overlap, so it is not so difficult. My father has trouble conforming and fitting in, not so much with the general culture, as he is shining, happy, and in his element when surrounded by college professors, graduate students, and other people of intellectual focus (like when he used to be in groups of my old friends or when he goes and visits my sister -- who is a college professor now). He more has trouble with this small town, isolated, rural culture that does not have much int he way of intellectual stimulation or philosophical discussion. So he is fairly reclusive, spending most of his time doing his own things, socially visiting with his few friends who ARE more intellectual in their focus, and reading. I have been back for two years and have really not established any friends here. For the same reasons, and for the additional reason of the fact that raising two kids with special needs makes it difficult to cultivate new relationships with people. How do I help the kids stay secure in themselves, knowing how amazing they are and how incredible they are now and how incredible they can be as they grow and learn, AND help them to find ways to fit in, to look to their peers to learn how to behave in a way that is acceptable to the group mentality, to grow in ways that are respectful to others and seen as respectable as well? Often, i go back to our ideas of starting our own school, that takes them child-centric focus of the preschools for special needs kids, and implements it in a K-12 school open to ALL children where the gifted and talented and the "regular kids" and the kids with special needs ALL get individual education plans, and can grow and learn together without the regimented institutional quality of the public school system....I need to find a philanthropic investor......
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
School Began...
Josiah's first day at scholl was, well, difficult. Indian Lake does this great first day celebration thing for the first couple of hours. Not so great for kids with special needs, but a great community buiiding, all school, VERY activity packed morning that parents and community can attend as well. Poor Josiah was totaly exhausted and overwhelmed when I left at 10:30, which is when the classes enter a more normal kind of routine. He had a couple of complete meltdowns in the afternoon--He was exhausted (mentally and physically) by all the comotion of the morning (he is used to a calmer, single room (they did everything, even meals, in their room at Prospect), more protected environment). He was overwhelmed. And I really should have arranged for him to start with a half day. He did like school, but by the time he got home he had circles under his eyes--and he had gotten 11 hours of sleep the night before! Today is a more normal routine, and should be more to his pace of life (though I am not sure, I sometimes forget how slowly we take life in a house with two children with extra needs--though I also perfer the slower pace of life where you can actually ENJOY and savor experiences, like father like daughter I suppose).
I really do think that if he can get use to the pace, he will flourish. He will enjoy being able to go to various specials outside of the room, but the school is not handicap accessible (weird in this day and age, I know) and has stairs everywhere, so he is having a lot of challenges (which is good in many ways, but tiring), but can not use his wheel chair if he gets tired because there are no ramps or elevators. He is doing great with his walker, and is working on using stairs, though I wish he were a little further along with that, but you take life as it comes, he will master stairs with assistance soon, and maybe move on to stairs unassisted at some point in the future. As much as I would like him to be able to take adavantage of the wonderful small class size (7 kids in a public mainstream Kindergarten with his academic focus), and the fact that this school truly values each student as an individual and I have seen how much they try to do all they can for each child to help them and thier class as a whole be successful, I am beginning to doubt my decision about not moving to a more handicap accessible school district.
I am going to give it a couple of months and see how things work out for him, as I really do think that, oddly, Indian Lake can offer him the best chance to be embraced by a community of his peers, challenge him to rise above his disabilties, really help him gain confidence (not that he really lacks it now) and support his academic, social, and cognitive development. Hopefully he will be able to adjust to the environment, and just as importantly, they to him. Some people still try to make round pegs out of kids, and to do so, you lose over 40 % of the non round peg kids--the ones who can't be forcibly jammed into the round holes. MAybe he can change the round pegs a biut and give them more freedom. It is great for the other kids to be able to gain the knowledge now that people are people, regardless of abilities, skin tone, or background. So many studies have shown that typical kids who are educated with non-typical peers, are more compassionate, more understanding, more tolerant, and more successful in their adult careers, as it broadens their minds to have friends who are different than they are.
On another note, aside from a slight miscommunication in the timing of Gonzo's bus pickup, Gonzo seemed to have had a fine first day of school. I am hoping tha having him have teh same classmates, teachers, room, and routine that the had last year, will really help him keep his behavior more well contained, and will encourage him to progress more academically and find great pleasure in his acheivements. That is my hope for Gonz for this year.
I really do think that if he can get use to the pace, he will flourish. He will enjoy being able to go to various specials outside of the room, but the school is not handicap accessible (weird in this day and age, I know) and has stairs everywhere, so he is having a lot of challenges (which is good in many ways, but tiring), but can not use his wheel chair if he gets tired because there are no ramps or elevators. He is doing great with his walker, and is working on using stairs, though I wish he were a little further along with that, but you take life as it comes, he will master stairs with assistance soon, and maybe move on to stairs unassisted at some point in the future. As much as I would like him to be able to take adavantage of the wonderful small class size (7 kids in a public mainstream Kindergarten with his academic focus), and the fact that this school truly values each student as an individual and I have seen how much they try to do all they can for each child to help them and thier class as a whole be successful, I am beginning to doubt my decision about not moving to a more handicap accessible school district.
I am going to give it a couple of months and see how things work out for him, as I really do think that, oddly, Indian Lake can offer him the best chance to be embraced by a community of his peers, challenge him to rise above his disabilties, really help him gain confidence (not that he really lacks it now) and support his academic, social, and cognitive development. Hopefully he will be able to adjust to the environment, and just as importantly, they to him. Some people still try to make round pegs out of kids, and to do so, you lose over 40 % of the non round peg kids--the ones who can't be forcibly jammed into the round holes. MAybe he can change the round pegs a biut and give them more freedom. It is great for the other kids to be able to gain the knowledge now that people are people, regardless of abilities, skin tone, or background. So many studies have shown that typical kids who are educated with non-typical peers, are more compassionate, more understanding, more tolerant, and more successful in their adult careers, as it broadens their minds to have friends who are different than they are.
On another note, aside from a slight miscommunication in the timing of Gonzo's bus pickup, Gonzo seemed to have had a fine first day of school. I am hoping tha having him have teh same classmates, teachers, room, and routine that the had last year, will really help him keep his behavior more well contained, and will encourage him to progress more academically and find great pleasure in his acheivements. That is my hope for Gonz for this year.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The fair, school shopping, and tax returns
Wow! It has been over a week since I last posted. I think this is the longest I have gone since starting this blog. Okay so, the fair was GREAT!! I had the most fun at the fair that I have had in years. The kids were interested in so many things, which was great, and my sister and her two kids were with us for most of the rides so that G could go on some rides that J was too small for, and my sister's daughter and J could go on some smaller rides. The kids also really enjoyed the shows (jugglers, magic, and puppet) for the first time, really paying attention to them. And as always the animals were great. This year J even reached out to pet some of the goats and sheep (previously he was too scared of them to touch them), and they asked all sorts of good questions, especially Jos. It is amazing how much the difference between age 4 and age 5 is in that regard, he really has developed such a wonderful and genuine curiosity about the world and what he encounters, and is not shy at all about asking questions. I actually budgeted correctly for the fair, brought a jug of coolade for the kids and prefilled water bottles for me, so that we did not spend stupid money on beverages which are horrible overpriced. We had fun eating some traditional fair food, and had a set budget for games (and I carefully led them to games that they win a nice prize every time for about half of the ones they played). And they are getting big enough to ride some of the rides I used to love as a kid, which was great to watch them enjoy them. So, the fair was GREAT even with a drenching downpour we got caught in that required a full change of clothes and the purchase of some disposable rain ponchos (so that we did not have to do another clothes change as it was rainy much of the day).
Then this week we have been getting ready for school which starts next week. We finished off the Dr. appointments with a trip for J to the Pulmonary doc and then the next day a trip to the dentist. Both kids have freshly cleaned and polished teeth to start school. AND Jos FINALLY has a date for his dental surgery (a project we have been working on...long story...since last July). So September 22nd he will go in for dental restoration surgery and finally get his teeth fixed!! I am glad it is finally getting done, I am NOT however, looking forward to anesthesia. But, he will be okay, just his lung issue make me very nervous with the anesthesia. But anyway aside from a couple of harder to find items (like new socks for under Jo's AFO braces), we are all set for the start of school on Tuesday. Gonz will be in the same self contained classroom out of district this year as he was last year, he is technically in third grade, and does grade level or above work for most subjects, but need the extreme structure to contain him so that he can focus and be successful. He is in a classroom that covers grade 2-5. And he will have most of the same teachers and assistants as last year (most of the same kids too). His only change will be a different one to one. So I am looking forward to a better school year fro him this year as they already know him--his strengths and weaknesses, his cues for when he is nearing a loss of self control, and they know what works to help him maintain composure and also how to handle things in a positive and firm way when he dos push over the limits. His big change will be that he will be riding a bus or van down instead of having me drive him. But he will be the only one who goes at that time, so the peer-peer problems on the bus will not be an issue. Jos is starting main stream Kindergarten, which will be good for him but will be quite a change.
On one more note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, after months of waiting and dealing with an IRS audit, I have finally gotten my income tax return and just in the nick of time. Now I can pay rent a head a couple of months, get my heat paid ahead, and be ready for winter. So if my freelance writing income is not quite up to par yet, I have a bit of a time cushion to continue finding some more sources of income to make ends meet.
Thank you God for providing exactly when I need it.
Then this week we have been getting ready for school which starts next week. We finished off the Dr. appointments with a trip for J to the Pulmonary doc and then the next day a trip to the dentist. Both kids have freshly cleaned and polished teeth to start school. AND Jos FINALLY has a date for his dental surgery (a project we have been working on...long story...since last July). So September 22nd he will go in for dental restoration surgery and finally get his teeth fixed!! I am glad it is finally getting done, I am NOT however, looking forward to anesthesia. But, he will be okay, just his lung issue make me very nervous with the anesthesia. But anyway aside from a couple of harder to find items (like new socks for under Jo's AFO braces), we are all set for the start of school on Tuesday. Gonz will be in the same self contained classroom out of district this year as he was last year, he is technically in third grade, and does grade level or above work for most subjects, but need the extreme structure to contain him so that he can focus and be successful. He is in a classroom that covers grade 2-5. And he will have most of the same teachers and assistants as last year (most of the same kids too). His only change will be a different one to one. So I am looking forward to a better school year fro him this year as they already know him--his strengths and weaknesses, his cues for when he is nearing a loss of self control, and they know what works to help him maintain composure and also how to handle things in a positive and firm way when he dos push over the limits. His big change will be that he will be riding a bus or van down instead of having me drive him. But he will be the only one who goes at that time, so the peer-peer problems on the bus will not be an issue. Jos is starting main stream Kindergarten, which will be good for him but will be quite a change.
On one more note, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, after months of waiting and dealing with an IRS audit, I have finally gotten my income tax return and just in the nick of time. Now I can pay rent a head a couple of months, get my heat paid ahead, and be ready for winter. So if my freelance writing income is not quite up to par yet, I have a bit of a time cushion to continue finding some more sources of income to make ends meet.
Thank you God for providing exactly when I need it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
A quick hello...Going to the FAIR
Just a quick hello, as I have not posted in a week or so, which is odd for me. But the kids are not in school right now, which is a major change from our normal routine. Summer school ended August 12th so we have been cramming in a bunch of doctor appointments between summer school and the start of the regular school year on September 6th. Tomorrow, though, is one of my favorite days of the entire year, and has been even since I was a little kids. Tomorrow is FAIR DAY!!! Since before I was born, our family has gone to the Washington County Fair on Thursday which is Children's day. We still meet up with my cousins and their kids, and we experience all the joys of the agricultural fair. Though I do not live in Washington County but it is still the fair we have always gone to. I did miss probably 7 out of my 37 years (I went as a baby before I was 1 and as I will be 37 in October, that makes 37 years of fair going counting tomorrow). It is not always easy when I was living out of state or if my college classes started prior to the fair date. But the past few years I have been able to take the kids to the fair and enjoy watching them share in this family tradition. Maybe someday we will have chickens or rabbits or sheep that we can actually show at the fair, when we get tot he point that we have a farm of our own.
So, I feel a bit like a kid again as I am getting ready for the fair tomorrow. I have figured out a way to carry J's walker on his stroller so that can switch back and forth between the two easily. This will be the first year we take his walker as previously he has not been very adept at using it, but now he truly walks with it, so it should be fun for him. I will have to take pics to post them. Cows, chickens, rabbits, sheep, goats, piggies, turkeys, geese, ducks, chickens, chickens, chickens (not much has changed my favorite building at the fair is the poultry and rabbit house, where they have the most amazing display of rabbits, geese, turkeys, ducks and....you guessed it...CHICKENS!!!! I love chickens. I have actually been working on repairing the old coop at my dad's house and getting a little brooder ready. I may not be able to have chickens at home (as I rent an apartment) but I CAN have them at my dad's house. So I have the stuff ready and am going to see if anyone is selling chicks at the fair. If not I will mail order some with my next check. Anyway, I am so excited about chickens, AND I am packing ear plugs for the kids as both of them have sensory issues with sound and the poultry house is LOUD, as well as the loud midway....The Fair....we're going to the fair....:)
So, I feel a bit like a kid again as I am getting ready for the fair tomorrow. I have figured out a way to carry J's walker on his stroller so that can switch back and forth between the two easily. This will be the first year we take his walker as previously he has not been very adept at using it, but now he truly walks with it, so it should be fun for him. I will have to take pics to post them. Cows, chickens, rabbits, sheep, goats, piggies, turkeys, geese, ducks, chickens, chickens, chickens (not much has changed my favorite building at the fair is the poultry and rabbit house, where they have the most amazing display of rabbits, geese, turkeys, ducks and....you guessed it...CHICKENS!!!! I love chickens. I have actually been working on repairing the old coop at my dad's house and getting a little brooder ready. I may not be able to have chickens at home (as I rent an apartment) but I CAN have them at my dad's house. So I have the stuff ready and am going to see if anyone is selling chicks at the fair. If not I will mail order some with my next check. Anyway, I am so excited about chickens, AND I am packing ear plugs for the kids as both of them have sensory issues with sound and the poultry house is LOUD, as well as the loud midway....The Fair....we're going to the fair....:)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Blood draws, X-rays, and brethalyzers...oh my!
So today was Gonzo's appointment with the endocrinologist. I had forewarned him that he may have to have blood taken for testing. his response was "all of it?!?! How will I stand up!?!" to which I assured him that they only take a little bit and that his body will be able to make more. So he was a little freaked out going into the appointment. The endocrinologist was very personable, and if we end up needing to continue with her, I think it will be a good match. Having doctors that you feel comfortable is imperative to proper health care. I am hoping all of the tests come out fine and we don't have any more treatment needed, but at least it is good to know that you like the specialist. So after the appointment, the doctor felt that testing was warranted, so Gonz DID have to have his blood drawn and she wanted an bone age density test done, which is an x-ray. So as usually, anything having to do with needles is difficult for Gonz, so it was myself plus two nurses who needed to hang on to him and get the blood draw. Poor little guy was just in such a panic. But he is a trooper and came out okay. He was still asking if his body will make more blood, and I reassured him that it was already making more to replace the little bit they took to test.
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
After the blood draw, we went down to the radiology department, and had a quick x-ray of his hand. He was still so upset from the blood testing that he could not remember his birthday when asked, and he asked me for help with it. I love this boy so much, and my heart just goes out to him when he gets himself in such a high anxiety state. It was an uneventful x-ray and we headed out to pick up Jos and go home (Jos was at my sister's house being watched by my two nieces with his other two cousins). We were going to stop for lunch right away, but Gonz was so overwhelmed that by the time we got out of the hospital parking lot and on the right road, he was fast asleep.
So I hopped on the highway and we stopped about an hour later when we were closer to home and had lunch at Friendly's--his favorite spot. After lunch we drove the next 45 minutes and picked up Jos. We did hang out for a bit with the cousins, but needed to get home to make dinner. Jos appeared to have fun with his cousins, though he did through one of his fits and scratched them when it was time to stop doing something he did not want to stop doing--when do they outgrow this tantrum phase?!?
Anyway, we got home, I put chicken in the oven, Jos took a short nap, and Gonz and I played and chatted for a bit. I ran a couple of loads of laundry through, and packed up my broken computer to send to my friend who lives near the place that can repair it. Then A came over after getting back from work. And A had a ticket for no seat belt. A proceeded to tell me it could have been a lot worse, as the cop asked "have you been drinking?" and asked about open containers (as in open alcohol containers). A says it was because there was a bag of empty beer can on the passenger side floor that needed to be returned, but I am not buying it. A's inspection is also way out of date and A has a tail light out. So, yes it could have been worse (depending how you look at it). A said the cop did do a breathalyzer test, which A passed. And the cop only issues a ticket for lack of seat belt. But my question is multi fold--why are there multiple containers (empty beer cans) enough to fill up three bags on the passenger seat and floor? Why would the cop question A about drinking unless A's breath smelled like alcohol? and why would the cop run a breathalyzer if all the empties were at least 2 weeks old (when A claims to have stopped drinking). Of course I did not voice all of this, as I am trying so hard to be supportive of A's new start to life.
But I am going out of my skull with A. Both last night and tonight, we were talking along, and A said something that annoyed me, so I responded in an annoyed way. And A launched into an all out bitch fest about how I am always implying that I am smarter or better, and that A is an idiot. About how mean and rude I am and how A was in a good mood until coming to my house. (which I have to say both evenings I was in a very good mood before A arrived as well). And the tirade continued and continued. Last night I got sucked into it and we argued for a while about NOTHING. I apologised both evenings for hurting A's feelings and tried to explain that I was in no way saying that A was an idiot, I just did not agree with what A said. Tonight I apologised for hurting A's feelings and tried for a few moments to explain why I was exasperated, but it was no use. Once A gets mad, there is no turning it around. Even if I accept the full blame and accept what A is saying about me and how what I said brought out bad feelings, A still won't stop. A kept going on and on about how "for 7 years you have talked down to me and treated me like an idiot" and how "I am not going to take it anymore, what you say is abusive, just abusive". Especially when I ask A to consider how much I have bent over backwards to be supportive and helpful and how much of an enabler I have turned out to be. To which of course A starts in about how I have to rub that in, about how me and my family "came to the rescue" and how we "have had to help poor A" and how horrible we are for it. I am sick of it.
The way it started tonight was this: A asked how a friend of mine was doing that is going through the end of a 15 year marriage. And I had said that all in all my friend was doing okay, moving forward, and putting life back together. A's response was "how can she be OKAY in just 6 weeks after 15 years of marriage?!?!" in a really snotty voice. So I responded in my own snotty and exasperated voice "What the heck to think okay means A?!? She is doing okay for the circumstances!" To which A replied "I am not even going to respond to that again, that put down. You are NOT calling me stupid again tonight. I am not going to respond." and then for the next 45 minutes continued to harangue me about how I am always saying mean things and ruining a perfectly good evening, and all sorts of other crap. (I know, I am whining and repeating myself--but that is how my last two evenings have gone.) Tonight I tried to talk it through and accept blame and apologise if what I said and how I said it were upsetting. But on and on it came, and that's when I mentioned that I have been trying to be supportive and helpful which did not jive with what A was saying, but that just made things worse. I asked A to leave if it was so hard, and A refused. So I ddisengaged myself from the insanity and started doing the dishes. I told A that I was not going to discuss things like this in front of the kids. IT upsets them as much as it upsets us. We were not yelling at each other or anything, or even talking in raised voices, but you can feel the tension in the air and kids are bright and know that we are not happy with each other. And we were obviously not saying "nice" things to each other.
Finally A decided that by ignoring or barely entering the "conversation" that this was being abusive as well, and finally A left, after giving the kids a hug and kiss and telling them that it was my fault and on me that this argument started. I sat down with the kids and apologized again for their parents arguing, and not treating each other with respect. I made THEM the promise that I would try harder to not say things that might upset or accidentally hurt A's feelings. We chilled out snuggled in the chair together watching the iron man cartoon, and they relaxed and started being chatty again after about 10 minutes. Then we got ready for bed, and they had some trouble falling asleep, but in the end it was alright. I need A out of my house. I need A to find an apartment, move out of my father's home, and stop "living" at my house (A sleeps at my father's but does everything else here --showers, leaves dirty clothes int eh hamper for stupid me to wash and fold, eats meals here, uses the phone here, checks email and other computer stuff here, is here whether I am or not, is here whether the kids are or not--essentially lives here). I am to the point of feeling like if I never saw A's face again, it would be too soon. I am praying for a miracle, praying for relief, praying that God will do something with this situation. Short of calling the police when A refuses to leave or calling the courts and telling them that A is still drinking and has no place to take the kids when it is visitation time and so is ALWAYS at my house, I am not sure what to do. I am afraid of how going back to court would impact the kids, as it can be so stressful. I am blatantly honest about how I feel about a lot of things, which A then says is abusive. I am not beating around the bush. And I am such a push around that I would rather do things like wash clothes and deal with A's crap then be told I am a horrible person. But this situation is making me BECOME a horrible person. I don't even know myself anymore, and to think, this time last year I was finally getting to know myself again. I wish A had never moved back up here in January. Those 7 months without A (even though I met half way with the boys every other weekend (when A could take them, so not as often) and talked to A on the phone almost every night when A called to say hi to the boys), I was able to breathe. I want to be able to breathe again..
The entrapment of alcoholism does not just enslave the alcoholic, it ensnares everyone who cares about the alcoholic and holds them prisoner, until, like the alcoholic, they can find a way to let go and walk away from those tangled vines. I feel like I am still in the thick of the vines, and to get out maybe I have to do the one thing that will take the last part of the gentle, kind person I used to be away. Maybe I need to hack the vines off, hurting the plant from which they spring. But would I still be me if I did that? Why is it that the idea of hurting A by pulling the plug and not helping makes me feel like I would lose the last shred of the me I used to be--the me that was gentle and kind, loving and compassionate, the good person that A fell in love with. I feel like taking that last step to destroy the tangle of vines around me would not only destroy the one from which they emanate but would also destroy the last part of me worth saving? What good would I be to my children if I no longer had that last bit of core kindness and gentleness towards their other parent? What kind of example would that be setting for them? And what kind of example am I setting for them now? In some ways I am angry at God right now for NOT having that cop today give A a ticket for drinking while driving--not the intoxication ticket as obviously A passed the breathalyzer, but the open container, and such, something to give A the kick in the pants needed to take REAL steps towards recovery. But it is never that easy is it....
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Summer Break...Finally
Well, one of the interesting thing about raising children with special needs, is that sometimes they have extra things, like six weeks of summer school to keep them on track academically, behaviorally, and with their therapies. Which means a much shorter summer break for them. Friday was their last day of school, and on Sunday we headed out to visit A's family. A's sister recently bought a cottage on the shores of Lake Ontario. We did see it soon after they bought it, but they were in the process of giving it a lot of the TLC it needed, so it was in disarray and under construction projects to repair and rehab it. Now it is mostly done (the bathroom is in rehab still, but functional) and we spend Sunday night out there. I have never spent any time at the Great Lakes, but wow is it similar to the ocean in sound. The cottage is on a rocky shore, so the waves lapping the rocks reminded me (in sound) to one of my all time favorite places in the world--Bass Rocks in Gloucester, MA.
Though the waves are smaller, they were still impressive for a lake, a lake you can not see the other side of. It was beautiful. However it was a rainy weekend, and the storms from Sunday had the lake very choppy, so it was not really safe to take a swim at such a rocky shore, so the kids did not get to go with with their life jackets. But we did go down the steps and put our feet in the water sitting on the rocks, we got splashed quite a bit too as the waves sent up a lot of spray. The kids (and we) enjoyed the deck area overlooking the lake, and some of the waves were big enough to splash us even up there. hat night, with the windows open, we could clearly listen to the waves, and it was wonderful. As many similarities as there are to the ocean front, there are as many differences. It smelled like a lake, and felt like a lake. As absolutely beautiful as it is, it made me long for my great love--the North Atlantic.
I found myself longing for the smell of the sea, the call of the gulls, and the "feel" of the ocean. I miss the ocean, and have for the past 11 1/2 years, as I have only visited. Even when I lived in Florida, it was the Gulf of Mexico, and though I loved snorkeling and swimming in that warm salty water, I loved even more the idea that the water I was in would eventually reach the North Atlantic, so I felt connected, even in that warm Gulf to the cold shores so many miles away. I had hoped to take the kids camping this summer out on the North Shore, but alas it appears funds may be inadequate to do that. Winter is approaching, and my primary source of income has ended. Summer is winding down (and we are finally in a 3 week of vacation time), and so the window of opportunity is closing. We have soem other daystuff planned, and may camp out on my Dad's property for a couple of days. Had my IRS refund come in time, that little inexpensive vacation to Massachusettes would have been one of the things on the list that the refund would go to. But with this darn audit review, only God know when they will release my refund.
The kids did have fun, and we got to see the baby's (both of A's niece's have little ones now). We also got to celebrate some of the August birthdays as in addition to Josiah, A's niece S and her daughter M (who is celebrating her 1st birthday!!) are also in August. So we did a combined birthday cook out at the cottage and had salt potatoes, corn on the cob, hot dogs and hamburgers, and of course cake. Then Josiah opened a bunch of present from A's family, and we gave our gifts to the others. We finally got to actually meet A's other niece's little son, who is a couple of months old. He is a beautiful baby. A said it feels weird to have a new generation starting in the family. I imagine it does, but since A is nearer to my parents age than to mine, it makes sense that they would have the next generation coming up. Overall it was a very nice visit. I originally asked A to go without me, but a is nervous about the new job which is starting today, and so did not think that with that stress, could handle the boys alone all weekend in that trip. So I went too. It was good to see A's family, though they seem to be under the impression that we are still together, or at least just barely separated. Perhaps most people think that, as I suppose we appear to be that way, it is hard to let go, and it is hard to find the balance that allow a friendship without being an enabler. I think we are getting closer, and that it is finally understood between the two of us that friendship is our aim, not reconciliation.
A started the new job today. I am an optimistic person, but with so many job losses over the past couple of years, it is hard to think that maybe, just maybe, this job will be here to stay and A can get an apartment, move out of my father's house, and actually begin to be self-supporting, have time alone with the kids without me arranging it, and be able to rebuild a life. We can all hope and pray. Especially since I am seriously considering moving in with my father as finding a source of income (i.e. a job that works with my children's special needs or enough income generating from writing, blogging, and online clicks/sales) is proving to take a great deal longer than I expected or can really plan for. The economy is making this harder than expected. So the possibility of moving in with my father (who has a 5 bedroom house and heats with wood, and only he and my brother live there usually, so there are extra rooms) is a distinct possibility--as long as A moves out (the old "I'll only be there for a month, two tops" thing A said back in January is a little crazy given that it is nearly 8 months...). But that is just where we are...things to think about...
Though the waves are smaller, they were still impressive for a lake, a lake you can not see the other side of. It was beautiful. However it was a rainy weekend, and the storms from Sunday had the lake very choppy, so it was not really safe to take a swim at such a rocky shore, so the kids did not get to go with with their life jackets. But we did go down the steps and put our feet in the water sitting on the rocks, we got splashed quite a bit too as the waves sent up a lot of spray. The kids (and we) enjoyed the deck area overlooking the lake, and some of the waves were big enough to splash us even up there. hat night, with the windows open, we could clearly listen to the waves, and it was wonderful. As many similarities as there are to the ocean front, there are as many differences. It smelled like a lake, and felt like a lake. As absolutely beautiful as it is, it made me long for my great love--the North Atlantic.
I found myself longing for the smell of the sea, the call of the gulls, and the "feel" of the ocean. I miss the ocean, and have for the past 11 1/2 years, as I have only visited. Even when I lived in Florida, it was the Gulf of Mexico, and though I loved snorkeling and swimming in that warm salty water, I loved even more the idea that the water I was in would eventually reach the North Atlantic, so I felt connected, even in that warm Gulf to the cold shores so many miles away. I had hoped to take the kids camping this summer out on the North Shore, but alas it appears funds may be inadequate to do that. Winter is approaching, and my primary source of income has ended. Summer is winding down (and we are finally in a 3 week of vacation time), and so the window of opportunity is closing. We have soem other daystuff planned, and may camp out on my Dad's property for a couple of days. Had my IRS refund come in time, that little inexpensive vacation to Massachusettes would have been one of the things on the list that the refund would go to. But with this darn audit review, only God know when they will release my refund.
The kids did have fun, and we got to see the baby's (both of A's niece's have little ones now). We also got to celebrate some of the August birthdays as in addition to Josiah, A's niece S and her daughter M (who is celebrating her 1st birthday!!) are also in August. So we did a combined birthday cook out at the cottage and had salt potatoes, corn on the cob, hot dogs and hamburgers, and of course cake. Then Josiah opened a bunch of present from A's family, and we gave our gifts to the others. We finally got to actually meet A's other niece's little son, who is a couple of months old. He is a beautiful baby. A said it feels weird to have a new generation starting in the family. I imagine it does, but since A is nearer to my parents age than to mine, it makes sense that they would have the next generation coming up. Overall it was a very nice visit. I originally asked A to go without me, but a is nervous about the new job which is starting today, and so did not think that with that stress, could handle the boys alone all weekend in that trip. So I went too. It was good to see A's family, though they seem to be under the impression that we are still together, or at least just barely separated. Perhaps most people think that, as I suppose we appear to be that way, it is hard to let go, and it is hard to find the balance that allow a friendship without being an enabler. I think we are getting closer, and that it is finally understood between the two of us that friendship is our aim, not reconciliation.
A started the new job today. I am an optimistic person, but with so many job losses over the past couple of years, it is hard to think that maybe, just maybe, this job will be here to stay and A can get an apartment, move out of my father's house, and actually begin to be self-supporting, have time alone with the kids without me arranging it, and be able to rebuild a life. We can all hope and pray. Especially since I am seriously considering moving in with my father as finding a source of income (i.e. a job that works with my children's special needs or enough income generating from writing, blogging, and online clicks/sales) is proving to take a great deal longer than I expected or can really plan for. The economy is making this harder than expected. So the possibility of moving in with my father (who has a 5 bedroom house and heats with wood, and only he and my brother live there usually, so there are extra rooms) is a distinct possibility--as long as A moves out (the old "I'll only be there for a month, two tops" thing A said back in January is a little crazy given that it is nearly 8 months...). But that is just where we are...things to think about...
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Interesting thinking and planning
Josiah was so excited about his birthday. He is such an amazing little guy. He is happy to be five years old, he is a big boy now!
It has been an interesting couple of days aside from his birthday. A was over (nothing new there, I really hope this job works out and A gets an apartment, and I can have my life back a little more). A talked to the "first love" from high school. That first love, who broke A's heart 30 years ago, talked with A about some of the issues that she dealt with back then. And A finally gets why I say that when I drinks, i makes me fearful. Finally someone else confirmed to A that A DOES throw things in my direction when angry (which I have told A many times and A has denied doing). A finally is accepting that aggression, anger, and then depression are trademarks of what happens when A drinks. A's first love is recently in recovery and was encouraging A to get into recovery. A is down to 4 beers a day in an effort to quit drinking before the new job starts next week, which is a good idea. The joys of detox are not fun, so I have a feeling A will be grumpy (and shaky) the next few days. This is the third day of only 4 beers, and A was not shaking last night. Now to drop down to 2-3 beers a day for a couple of days, and so on. So hopefully A will be successful in moving forward. A is excited about this prospect and so am I. I know that A can do it, and can make choices that will lead to a good, healthy life. A just needs to believe it, and to have the self worth to accept it.
Speaking of healthy lives, I have been doing what I do best--studying and researching (yes with some documentaries like "Fat Head" and books and research papers) a wide array of ideas and perspectives on health (implementing knowledge is my problem, I have a great deal of ability to amass knowledge, its the actual using of that knowledge that I seem to be slow on). Anyway, I have been compiling a list of things that I would like to implement for MY life to increase my overall health, most of which I have been working on transiting to, though keeping specific activities up for a long enough period to truly replace bad habits with good has been a challenge, as it is so easy to slip back into bad, long standing habits. But I have been returning again and again to new habits, and each day, it is a little easier, and I know that each time I make a good choice rather than a bad choice, my life is moving in a good direction, a positive direction.
So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 150 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 90 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g of saturated veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to less than 3 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...
It has been an interesting couple of days aside from his birthday. A was over (nothing new there, I really hope this job works out and A gets an apartment, and I can have my life back a little more). A talked to the "first love" from high school. That first love, who broke A's heart 30 years ago, talked with A about some of the issues that she dealt with back then. And A finally gets why I say that when I drinks, i makes me fearful. Finally someone else confirmed to A that A DOES throw things in my direction when angry (which I have told A many times and A has denied doing). A finally is accepting that aggression, anger, and then depression are trademarks of what happens when A drinks. A's first love is recently in recovery and was encouraging A to get into recovery. A is down to 4 beers a day in an effort to quit drinking before the new job starts next week, which is a good idea. The joys of detox are not fun, so I have a feeling A will be grumpy (and shaky) the next few days. This is the third day of only 4 beers, and A was not shaking last night. Now to drop down to 2-3 beers a day for a couple of days, and so on. So hopefully A will be successful in moving forward. A is excited about this prospect and so am I. I know that A can do it, and can make choices that will lead to a good, healthy life. A just needs to believe it, and to have the self worth to accept it.
Speaking of healthy lives, I have been doing what I do best--studying and researching (yes with some documentaries like "Fat Head" and books and research papers) a wide array of ideas and perspectives on health (implementing knowledge is my problem, I have a great deal of ability to amass knowledge, its the actual using of that knowledge that I seem to be slow on). Anyway, I have been compiling a list of things that I would like to implement for MY life to increase my overall health, most of which I have been working on transiting to, though keeping specific activities up for a long enough period to truly replace bad habits with good has been a challenge, as it is so easy to slip back into bad, long standing habits. But I have been returning again and again to new habits, and each day, it is a little easier, and I know that each time I make a good choice rather than a bad choice, my life is moving in a good direction, a positive direction.
So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 150 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 90 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g of saturated veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to less than 3 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...
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