One of the most amazing things about life is the ebb and flow of experiences It is wonderful to have change with consistency, and a return to old good habits wile adding in new ones.
So, I have been good (not great) at walking a minimum of 2 miles 5 days a week (with up to four miles on occasion . My body is definitely adjusting to this after doing it for nearly six weeks. I find I finish 2 miles in 30-45 minutes now, as opposed to it taking 60-75 minutes like it did when I first restarted. The muscles in my legs are getting stronger again, and I am finally able to walk at a pace that challenges my cardiovascular system, which is a very good thing. It is annoying in some ways to find the right balance, because to actually work my heart and lungs, I push harder, and my knees end up hurting...a lot. So it is a hard trade off, as I can walk slower and longer (3-4 miles in 60-75 minutes) or I can push harder and have a brisker, more heart pumping walk, but my knees start to buckle after only 2 miles. I do know from an MRI done 8 years ago when I dislocated my right knee cap, that I have very little cartilage in my knees, so they can not take a lot of impact. I am considering, especially with cold weather fast approaching (it snowed at home today!!), I am looking into getting a YMCA membership, which will allow me to do weights room workouts, elliptical machines, which greatly reduces the knee strain, and time in the pool for both aqua-aerobics and swimming. It is mainly a matter of cost right now.
As for establishing better eating habits, I can honestly say, that bit by bit, my eating habits are changing in a more healthy and positive direction. This slow change results in much, much better chances for a true lifestyle change, as I also change not just what and when I am eating, I am changing my relationship with food. It is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change. For the first time, I think that is really sinking in to a deeper level exactly what that means. It is said so often, that we forget to actually think about what it means to change our lifestyle. A true change in health needs to come not just from changing the habits of the outside, but the way of thinking on the inside. So as I concentrate on shifting our diet, bit by bit, towards whole foods, and more veggies and fruit making up the bulk of our meals (ensuring raw ones are a daily addition), I find that it is easier than I thought, and that I enjoy what I eat more, appreciating it for the gift it gives.
Some things we chose this week vs our previous choices:
Plain yogurt with fresh fruit cut up in it vs sugar filled fruit flavored yogurt
Brown rice vs white rice
Steamed fish versus breaded fried fish
steamed fresh broccoli vs canned green bean
lean cube steak vs hamburgers
100% whole wheat sandwich thins vs split top Wheat bread
Munching on Raw Kale leaves vs crackers or chips
Peeled fresh grapefruit, plain vs banana bread (or even bananas)
Spending time with friends doing fun activities vs sitting at home because money seems too tight
Does that mean that EVERY choice I have made this week has been the healthier one, of course not. Since starting this blog I have learned, and continue to learn each day, that I am not good with quick changes, and that trying to make drastic sweeping changes, even if I can hold on for a couple of months, do not have a lasting effect. For a while I got down on myself, as I watched other people go on a radical diet, lose a bunch of weight, exercise like crazy people, and look and feel great. Most of them, though, within a couple of years were back to their old habits, having gained back the weight they lost and more. The people I have seen transform to healthier bodies and healthier minds have been the people who have done so slowly, consistently making small changes that become part of their daily life without it being something they have to constantly think about and do, it becomes part of their being.
So as I throw out all these ideas on this blog, all these different things I want to try out, going from one idea to another, as there are many great ideas out there, many great methods, and a LOT of anecdotal evidence to support various schools of thought. But I am learning, and as I learn I share with you all, that certain types of transformation take place more slowly, letting the changes strip away all of the complex layers that lead to, not only the less desirable end result that you are trying to change, but to the habits and the thought patterns that reinforced those habits. It is not as easy as "you ate more than you burned off". While that is, in its simplest form, the digested truth to weight gain, the mechanisms, biology, physiology psychology, and sociology that lead to that fact is much more complex and interwoven. Picking it apart, even if you do not identify exactly what it is you are picking apart, is vital to creating lasting change. For me, right now, that means listening to myself, what I am comfortable with, what i am not, what makes me feel good, what makes me feel crappy--and reaching for the better feeling, for the more healthy choices of thought and sustenance. So that is where I am in this journey today....
Friday, October 12, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Finding a "healthy lifestyle change" buddy
Okay, So, if you have been following this blog for very long, you know that I have had many fits and starts on this road to transforming my physical body. I will do well for a while and then drop back to older, bad habits, and then push forward again, and back again, over and over.... The end result of which is still progress in the right direction (over 30 pounds lighter with much better eating/exercise habits than I had when I first started out--a year and a half ago).
My most recent push forward has been successful in that I am walking 2 to 4 miles every weekday (except for 2) in the past month. So my body and mind have started to adjust to this as a new normal, and I don't feel right (physically or mentally) if I don't do it, so it is well on its way to becoming a true, ingrained habit.
My eating habits, while greatly improved from when I began this blog--in that I:
1) use almost exclusively whole grains (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole grain breads, etc...) as opposed to more processed, less fiber rich, less nutritious grains;
2)I ensure that I get AT LEAST 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, usually more, with the majority of it fresh, some frozen and a little canned; I eat at least one to two servings of a leafy green vegetable (usually Kale, Cabbage, or Chard--I am partial to the more flavorful, leathery leaves I guess) each day.
3) I also have greatly reduced the amount of processed, prepackaged food that I serve at home. yes the kids still eat ready to eat cereal and granola bars, and we do instant mashed potatoes, box mac & cheese, and even those skillet meals occasionally But for the most part, I try to focus our grocery shopping and meal prep on whole foods, the fresher the better. While I can't seem to get the kids to eat the kale int eh stir fry, they eat most of the other veggies and fish (or shrimp or chicken) that is in the stir fry, they prefer the brown rice to white rice, and they see fruit as a great snack choice.
4) now that I am out of the house all day, most days I pack a lunch that is protein and raw veggie/raw fruit based
So, I have developed some very good habits, many of which have become a true lifestyle change, which is the goal. However, I am still around 100 pounds from my goal weight,need to get my blood sugar under better control (the walking is helping with that quite a bit, but it is still not as low or as consistent as it really needs to be for my body to go from being over-stressed by my blood sugar to it moving towards a state of healing and good health).
Why, you may ask, am I still having trouble getting the weight off? Well, the biggest answer that I can provide, is that while I may be developing good habits, I still have a lot of bad ones. Emotional eating is a huge bad habit of mine, and while I have curbed a lot of my poor eating habits, the compulsive drive to eat when under stress is still one that I deal with on a daily basis--almost exclusively in the evening after the kids go to bed. I tried to make a rule for myself that I could not eat after 9pm, aside from tea or MAYBE a piece of fruit or a small amount of plain yogurt IF I really was HUNGRY not just wanting to eat. I used to not be a late night snacker. Ten years ago, I NEVER ate in my bedroom, and I rarely had the desire to eat after 9pm, and would usually have a cup of herbal tea and read a book. While I was heavy (and an overeater) I was also a lot healthier, much more socially active (amazing how quality social interaction feeds your soul so you don't feel the compulsive need to fill that void with food), and was not a single mom raising two kids with special needs--which adds its own, special kind of stress to life.
So I have been trying to figure out a way to combat some of this compulsion to overeat at night. It s not like a gorge on junk food--no last night I ate left over roast chicken, a pear, an orange, an apple, a plum, 3 pieces of celery with cream cheese spread, a handful of saltine crackers, a glass of milk, and some raisins (all after 9pm). The night before, I had a glass of water and a plum after 9pm. So, what was the difference between two--one that prompted a normal, healthy snack time, and the other that prompted a continuous stream of munching on healthy stuff. Well, Saturday, some newer friends came over for dinner, their son played with my sons, I had great grown up conversation, a nice dinner and four hours really connecting with these two people. So, that social connection void felt fulfilled (we even talked weight loss stuff and recipes and walking and zumba). Sunday I took the kids to visit my ex, played Wii in the family room, had dinner at the halfway house, and headed home late, put the kids to bed, and sat down to read. So some social activity, but some stress added (not that there was not stress added the day before when I had to prepare my house to welcome guests who I really had only recently met--just a different kind of stress).
So I have decided that one of the things that MAY help curb some of my compulsive overeating or my emotional eating (sometimes it is hard to tell which has more power emotions or compulsion) in the evenings, is to have a partner in this weight loss journey. The woman who I had over Saturday night with her husband and son is also on a weight-loss journey (and has lost far more that I have), and has reached a bit of a plateau. So I think if she and I can buddy up, plan meals, hold each other accountable, and help to fulfill that social connection void for each other, we may both have greater success. It will be a challenge as they live nearly 2 hours from where I do, but with the age of internet, phones, skype and such, hopefully having a somewhat medium distance buddy towards better health, will help move my progress along more quickly and successfully. This is quite a journey, and you never know where each path will lead until you start walking on it.
My most recent push forward has been successful in that I am walking 2 to 4 miles every weekday (except for 2) in the past month. So my body and mind have started to adjust to this as a new normal, and I don't feel right (physically or mentally) if I don't do it, so it is well on its way to becoming a true, ingrained habit.
My eating habits, while greatly improved from when I began this blog--in that I:
1) use almost exclusively whole grains (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole grain breads, etc...) as opposed to more processed, less fiber rich, less nutritious grains;
2)I ensure that I get AT LEAST 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, usually more, with the majority of it fresh, some frozen and a little canned; I eat at least one to two servings of a leafy green vegetable (usually Kale, Cabbage, or Chard--I am partial to the more flavorful, leathery leaves I guess) each day.
3) I also have greatly reduced the amount of processed, prepackaged food that I serve at home. yes the kids still eat ready to eat cereal and granola bars, and we do instant mashed potatoes, box mac & cheese, and even those skillet meals occasionally But for the most part, I try to focus our grocery shopping and meal prep on whole foods, the fresher the better. While I can't seem to get the kids to eat the kale int eh stir fry, they eat most of the other veggies and fish (or shrimp or chicken) that is in the stir fry, they prefer the brown rice to white rice, and they see fruit as a great snack choice.
4) now that I am out of the house all day, most days I pack a lunch that is protein and raw veggie/raw fruit based
So, I have developed some very good habits, many of which have become a true lifestyle change, which is the goal. However, I am still around 100 pounds from my goal weight,need to get my blood sugar under better control (the walking is helping with that quite a bit, but it is still not as low or as consistent as it really needs to be for my body to go from being over-stressed by my blood sugar to it moving towards a state of healing and good health).
Why, you may ask, am I still having trouble getting the weight off? Well, the biggest answer that I can provide, is that while I may be developing good habits, I still have a lot of bad ones. Emotional eating is a huge bad habit of mine, and while I have curbed a lot of my poor eating habits, the compulsive drive to eat when under stress is still one that I deal with on a daily basis--almost exclusively in the evening after the kids go to bed. I tried to make a rule for myself that I could not eat after 9pm, aside from tea or MAYBE a piece of fruit or a small amount of plain yogurt IF I really was HUNGRY not just wanting to eat. I used to not be a late night snacker. Ten years ago, I NEVER ate in my bedroom, and I rarely had the desire to eat after 9pm, and would usually have a cup of herbal tea and read a book. While I was heavy (and an overeater) I was also a lot healthier, much more socially active (amazing how quality social interaction feeds your soul so you don't feel the compulsive need to fill that void with food), and was not a single mom raising two kids with special needs--which adds its own, special kind of stress to life.
So I have been trying to figure out a way to combat some of this compulsion to overeat at night. It s not like a gorge on junk food--no last night I ate left over roast chicken, a pear, an orange, an apple, a plum, 3 pieces of celery with cream cheese spread, a handful of saltine crackers, a glass of milk, and some raisins (all after 9pm). The night before, I had a glass of water and a plum after 9pm. So, what was the difference between two--one that prompted a normal, healthy snack time, and the other that prompted a continuous stream of munching on healthy stuff. Well, Saturday, some newer friends came over for dinner, their son played with my sons, I had great grown up conversation, a nice dinner and four hours really connecting with these two people. So, that social connection void felt fulfilled (we even talked weight loss stuff and recipes and walking and zumba). Sunday I took the kids to visit my ex, played Wii in the family room, had dinner at the halfway house, and headed home late, put the kids to bed, and sat down to read. So some social activity, but some stress added (not that there was not stress added the day before when I had to prepare my house to welcome guests who I really had only recently met--just a different kind of stress).
So I have decided that one of the things that MAY help curb some of my compulsive overeating or my emotional eating (sometimes it is hard to tell which has more power emotions or compulsion) in the evenings, is to have a partner in this weight loss journey. The woman who I had over Saturday night with her husband and son is also on a weight-loss journey (and has lost far more that I have), and has reached a bit of a plateau. So I think if she and I can buddy up, plan meals, hold each other accountable, and help to fulfill that social connection void for each other, we may both have greater success. It will be a challenge as they live nearly 2 hours from where I do, but with the age of internet, phones, skype and such, hopefully having a somewhat medium distance buddy towards better health, will help move my progress along more quickly and successfully. This is quite a journey, and you never know where each path will lead until you start walking on it.
Friday, September 21, 2012
kick starting a buffalo
Okay, so I have not updated much, life, as usual, has been busy.
I have continued to walk every weekday (minus this past Tuesday which was pouring rain, I really need to get a rain coat and an extra pair of shoes so that I can do that), and have gotten in at least 2 miles a day (sometimes as many as 4 miles!). And let me tell you, there are days that I had to drag myself to the pond against great internal opposition (when I feel sad, I don't like to do anything, and I have had a couple of days that I felt exceptionally emotionally heavy this week). BUT I made myself go, made myself honor the decision and commitment I made to myself to walk at least 2 miles every day--even if it a plodding, unhappy two miles!! And you know, walking helps me feel better most of the time. Out of the 13 days since I started walking (when School started 2 weeks ago), I have had only one weekday that I did not walk, and only one drag-myself-there-and-make-myself-honor-my-commitment-to-myself day that walking did not make me feel markedly better (it did make me feel somewhat better, but sometimes that nagging dark cloud still hands around even when you have walked and gotten your blood flowing). So I am proud of myself that I have been true to my decision, to stand firm in my decision to walk each day.
As for food tracking, I did well, and then I piddled out some. I will continue to try to make it a daily habit. It is more time consuming, and this week, I have been using most of my library hours actually writing articles for pay (which I should be doing right now as I have three assignments that need to be done by tomorrow!), and so have not taken the time to fill out my spark people food tracker or even the exercise tracker. That I will do today, and will write my articles tonight after the kids are in bed. I definitely eat more consciously when tracking food than I do when I have not tracked it in a couple of days. Conscious eating is important.
This week has been busy. Monday after school the boys and I picked up chicken feed and took it to my chickens over at my father's house (they were slated to move to my house as soon as the coop is done, which I had planned for this weekend). However when we went to the coop, a horrible sight met us. A predator or predators had gotten into the coop and killed almost all of the chickens (we have had a little trouble with predators (weasels, chicken hawks, dogs, etc...) through the spring and summer, but each time it was only 1 or 2 chickens and we were able to find where the problem was and take action. But no, this time the predator(s) (we suspect bobcats for a variety of reasons) took out BOTH roosters, four of my big hens, and 16 of the young pullets and cockerels (2-3 month old chickens that hatched this spring). That left one one little pullet and two of the older hens, all quite traumatized. So Monday evening saw me building a secure makeshift chicken pen at my house and moving the chickens there, and I will definitely be completing the secure, permanent coop this weekend.
So finally, last by not least, I have not had a lot of success in making the scale go down, even with better eating and walking. So in talking to a variety of people, I decided I do need to do something to maybe kick-start the weight loss process. I am not into fad diets and such, I have tried a number of them over the years, but without a permanent change in lifestyle. now that I am making a permanent change in lifestyle though, I am feel discouraged that in nearly 3 weeks, the scale has barely moved. For a person with so much excess weight, I should be losing easily to begin with. It is probably an issue related to insulin production, metabolic process, emotional stress (which makes you hold on to weight), and other factors. One of my sisters said that she and her husband had a wonderful experience with the 17 Day Diet. It was very cleansing and after the first 5 days, she felt a million times better,and lost that last 5 pounds that had been nagging her, and her husband lost over 25 pounds. So, as this buffalo of my weight seems to be just content and grazing slowly around the prairie, I have decided to give it a try. I borrowed the book The 17 Day Diet from the library and as of today, have started on the first leg of the journey. Hopefully if I can kickstart this buffalo, it will stampede away the blocks that have been limiting my ability to get the scale to come down, and then the healthy changes i am making will have a better chance to take hold. So, yup trying a short diet to get the ball rolling. I'll let you know how it goes...
I have continued to walk every weekday (minus this past Tuesday which was pouring rain, I really need to get a rain coat and an extra pair of shoes so that I can do that), and have gotten in at least 2 miles a day (sometimes as many as 4 miles!). And let me tell you, there are days that I had to drag myself to the pond against great internal opposition (when I feel sad, I don't like to do anything, and I have had a couple of days that I felt exceptionally emotionally heavy this week). BUT I made myself go, made myself honor the decision and commitment I made to myself to walk at least 2 miles every day--even if it a plodding, unhappy two miles!! And you know, walking helps me feel better most of the time. Out of the 13 days since I started walking (when School started 2 weeks ago), I have had only one weekday that I did not walk, and only one drag-myself-there-and-make-myself-honor-my-commitment-to-myself day that walking did not make me feel markedly better (it did make me feel somewhat better, but sometimes that nagging dark cloud still hands around even when you have walked and gotten your blood flowing). So I am proud of myself that I have been true to my decision, to stand firm in my decision to walk each day.
As for food tracking, I did well, and then I piddled out some. I will continue to try to make it a daily habit. It is more time consuming, and this week, I have been using most of my library hours actually writing articles for pay (which I should be doing right now as I have three assignments that need to be done by tomorrow!), and so have not taken the time to fill out my spark people food tracker or even the exercise tracker. That I will do today, and will write my articles tonight after the kids are in bed. I definitely eat more consciously when tracking food than I do when I have not tracked it in a couple of days. Conscious eating is important.
This week has been busy. Monday after school the boys and I picked up chicken feed and took it to my chickens over at my father's house (they were slated to move to my house as soon as the coop is done, which I had planned for this weekend). However when we went to the coop, a horrible sight met us. A predator or predators had gotten into the coop and killed almost all of the chickens (we have had a little trouble with predators (weasels, chicken hawks, dogs, etc...) through the spring and summer, but each time it was only 1 or 2 chickens and we were able to find where the problem was and take action. But no, this time the predator(s) (we suspect bobcats for a variety of reasons) took out BOTH roosters, four of my big hens, and 16 of the young pullets and cockerels (2-3 month old chickens that hatched this spring). That left one one little pullet and two of the older hens, all quite traumatized. So Monday evening saw me building a secure makeshift chicken pen at my house and moving the chickens there, and I will definitely be completing the secure, permanent coop this weekend.
So finally, last by not least, I have not had a lot of success in making the scale go down, even with better eating and walking. So in talking to a variety of people, I decided I do need to do something to maybe kick-start the weight loss process. I am not into fad diets and such, I have tried a number of them over the years, but without a permanent change in lifestyle. now that I am making a permanent change in lifestyle though, I am feel discouraged that in nearly 3 weeks, the scale has barely moved. For a person with so much excess weight, I should be losing easily to begin with. It is probably an issue related to insulin production, metabolic process, emotional stress (which makes you hold on to weight), and other factors. One of my sisters said that she and her husband had a wonderful experience with the 17 Day Diet. It was very cleansing and after the first 5 days, she felt a million times better,and lost that last 5 pounds that had been nagging her, and her husband lost over 25 pounds. So, as this buffalo of my weight seems to be just content and grazing slowly around the prairie, I have decided to give it a try. I borrowed the book The 17 Day Diet from the library and as of today, have started on the first leg of the journey. Hopefully if I can kickstart this buffalo, it will stampede away the blocks that have been limiting my ability to get the scale to come down, and then the healthy changes i am making will have a better chance to take hold. So, yup trying a short diet to get the ball rolling. I'll let you know how it goes...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
walking...
Walking daily has been a large success. I have been able to walk over 3 miles each day this week. I am not a fast walker, which has a lot to do with the discomfort my legs, knees, feet are feeling as I get back into a regular pattern of movement. I would like to figure out something to do in addition that actually gets my heart and lungs being challenged, as the physical pain at this point does not allow me to push my cardiovascular system to a more challenging level. I know that any walking is good for increasing health, and does stimulate the cardio-pulmonary system, but I would like to raise my heart-rate a bit more than I am able to. So I think I am going to try to add in something more strenuous that does not overstress my feet and knees. I had not realized how weak my legs have been over the past year or so. But that is another step forward in the changes I am making, and another great goal, another thing to rejoice in as my legs get stronger and more able to increase speed in my walking.
I also realized that my readership dropped off dramatically as I got more depressed over this past year. They say (yes the undefined "they") that when you are radiating love and light, truth and peace, wisdom and connection that people will be drawn to you, as those are high energies, building energies...and the opposite is also true that if you radiate pain and sadness, sorrow and worry, anger and division that people will fall away. I see a dramatic drop in page views from over 1500 page views a month in February (the months before that) to around 400 page-views a month now in a steep downward shift month by month since March. So to those who have continued to follow this blog, thank you for staying with me as I have gone through a difficult period, trying to find the path to transformation as life shifted in ways I did not expect. And for those who are new readers, welcome, and thank you for joining on this journey towards a better life, a better sense of self, and healthier relationship with God, self, family, friends, strangers, and the global we, as well as better connection with the Powerful Consciousness that is the Divine Energy, with Mother Earth, with humanity, nature, and the cosmos.
I also realized that my readership dropped off dramatically as I got more depressed over this past year. They say (yes the undefined "they") that when you are radiating love and light, truth and peace, wisdom and connection that people will be drawn to you, as those are high energies, building energies...and the opposite is also true that if you radiate pain and sadness, sorrow and worry, anger and division that people will fall away. I see a dramatic drop in page views from over 1500 page views a month in February (the months before that) to around 400 page-views a month now in a steep downward shift month by month since March. So to those who have continued to follow this blog, thank you for staying with me as I have gone through a difficult period, trying to find the path to transformation as life shifted in ways I did not expect. And for those who are new readers, welcome, and thank you for joining on this journey towards a better life, a better sense of self, and healthier relationship with God, self, family, friends, strangers, and the global we, as well as better connection with the Powerful Consciousness that is the Divine Energy, with Mother Earth, with humanity, nature, and the cosmos.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Note as of September 9, 2012:
Food tracking on this blog format is very difficult. So I have switched from using the page on this blog to doing my food tracking on Spark People. My public page is http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=TRUTHFREES and there is a link to food and exercise logs both near the top on the right hand side (a button) and at the VERY BOTTOM of the page, lower left hand corner. So If you want to follow my actual food intake and see what I am doing right and what i am doing wrong, as well as my actual exercise tracked each day.
If the link above does not work try going to www.sparkpeople.com and typing truthfrees into the search box. It should bring up a link to "Transformation" or to "Shared Trackers" for truthfrees, which is my spark people ID.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
walking and forming new habits
As I have started driving my son to his school an hour away as of this past Wednesday, I have free time during the day, as I have to stay in the area of his school in case he has a meltdown and needs to be picked up. So I have returned to my old favorite walking track around a beautiful pond. The three days ai have driven him this week I have also gone to the pond and walked at least 2 miles each day. This WILL BE a daily habit, and hopefully as my legs get more used to it, it will be more miles in the same amount of time.
Right now it is painful for my right leg and foot (the left seems fine). But my shoes are older, though I can't afford new ones right now. I got a blister on the bottom of my foot, at the ball of my foot--which is really weird, I have never gotten a blister there before. My heel spur is also acting up on the right foot, and my knee has been stiff and sore--but it is all the process of working out the kinks. It is like when an old car sits for a few week--when you get it fixed and going again, there are some rust spots on things like the brakes and springs, so you have a lot more squeaks and such as everything gets cleaned off from daily use. So I think my body is like that. While I have done some exercise over the past few months, I have not done much sustained walking. So my body is working out the kinks.
What is nice though, is that walking helps release the muscle knots in my legs, as those seem to be the muscles that knot up on me when I am stressed, and I have been stressed often over the past year. This is one of the times that I do miss A, as A used to massage out some of the knots in my calves, which is harder to do yourself. Hopefully walking will help work out all of those kinks and keep them from returning.
As of today I am putting myself on a much better diet. I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday and was there for an hour (longest eye appointment that I have had), and I found out that I have the beginnings of some issues with my eyes (aside from the usual nearsightedness that I have had since I was 9). So it is far past time that I need to pay attention to my physical health and not let all of the other stresses of life bowl over this very important aspect of my life. I am using spark people again to track my food and my exercise, which will hopefully help me have better control over what I eat as it tracks not only calories but also major and some minor nutrient amounts. The exercise tracking will be motivating as it will show not only what I did, it will also show me how I am improving over time. So, getting back to transforming my life from the physical aspect, as well as some other aspects that are just happening due to changes I have already have to make, will hopefully improve my mood, my abilities as a parent, my sense of self, my ability to contribute to the world,and maybe even my interpersonal relationships.
Right now it is painful for my right leg and foot (the left seems fine). But my shoes are older, though I can't afford new ones right now. I got a blister on the bottom of my foot, at the ball of my foot--which is really weird, I have never gotten a blister there before. My heel spur is also acting up on the right foot, and my knee has been stiff and sore--but it is all the process of working out the kinks. It is like when an old car sits for a few week--when you get it fixed and going again, there are some rust spots on things like the brakes and springs, so you have a lot more squeaks and such as everything gets cleaned off from daily use. So I think my body is like that. While I have done some exercise over the past few months, I have not done much sustained walking. So my body is working out the kinks.
What is nice though, is that walking helps release the muscle knots in my legs, as those seem to be the muscles that knot up on me when I am stressed, and I have been stressed often over the past year. This is one of the times that I do miss A, as A used to massage out some of the knots in my calves, which is harder to do yourself. Hopefully walking will help work out all of those kinks and keep them from returning.
As of today I am putting myself on a much better diet. I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday and was there for an hour (longest eye appointment that I have had), and I found out that I have the beginnings of some issues with my eyes (aside from the usual nearsightedness that I have had since I was 9). So it is far past time that I need to pay attention to my physical health and not let all of the other stresses of life bowl over this very important aspect of my life. I am using spark people again to track my food and my exercise, which will hopefully help me have better control over what I eat as it tracks not only calories but also major and some minor nutrient amounts. The exercise tracking will be motivating as it will show not only what I did, it will also show me how I am improving over time. So, getting back to transforming my life from the physical aspect, as well as some other aspects that are just happening due to changes I have already have to make, will hopefully improve my mood, my abilities as a parent, my sense of self, my ability to contribute to the world,and maybe even my interpersonal relationships.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Summer, changes and Anger
So, this summer has not been very conducive to making regular posts or finding the time to reflect and report. It has been a busy and stressful summer. Coming up next week is the beginning of school for the kids, and a major change in my schedule for an unknown period of time. I plan to use that unknown period of time, which afford me about 4 hours in the middle of the day while both kids are at school, and I am no where near my house (i will write more about that in my family focused blog later this week). So I plan to use that time to continue to write, as that will be necessary for income, AND to really focus on exercise.
I have realized more recently that all of the current stresses, responsibilities, and challenges in my life overwhelm my focus to get physically healthy. This in turn creates many new challenges and does not allow me to clear my mind and my spirit to better handle all of the day to day challenges my life is currently filled with. So it is a horrible cycle. But I have finally created a problem for myself that no excuse I give myself will work for, I want THIS particular problem to be gone--as completely as I can get it out. And that problem is ANGER. I have been a short tempered, grumpy, ferocious person over the past couple of weeks. AND I HATE IT. I have always loved that I was a kind, gentle, forgiving, patient, and uber caring person. And ANGER is bowling me over lately. it confuses me, it affects the way I see the people in my life, it affects the way I react to challenges AND to joys, it makes me into a person that I can barely recognized. I do not like feeling like an angry person. I have often treated anger with food--between the endorphin rush, the serotonin release, and the psychological response to food, normally I could eat myself out of anger (rather than actually deal with such an unpleasant emotion).
That no longer works, and yes I have tried--I have been a bit of an eating machine the past few weeks. other than gaining back about 8 pounds that I had lost earlier, it has done little to eradicate the grumpiness. Though I am fairly good at hiding it, my children have noticed that I am more grumpy than usual, and they have found me less tolerant of crap than I normally am--especially int eh number of toys that have been shelved in the back room. If they treat their belongings in the wrong way (like BITING the gameboy, stuffed animal, or lego blocks or slamming controllers or stuffed animals into the floor (Gonzo's big issues--biting or slamming toys he is mad at)--both of which damage the electronics or tear stuffed animals, and are inappropriate responses to disappointment), the toy is taken and put away for a certain amount of time--from a few hours to a couple of weeks depending on various things. They also have been spending more time than usual cooling off in their rooms when they throw a tantrum over frustration or disappointment, neither of which warrant a fit. Normally I am good at redirecting, using the teaching moment, and helping to bring about an appropriate reaction to the issue at hand--which is a much better solution as it helps the kids learn the appropriate path to dealing with frustration and disappointment--with brain damage, it takes many, many MANY rounds (into the hundreds or repetition) to create new neurological pathways--so it is very important to work on the redirecting and reprocessing gently to nurture the formation of new pathways in how to deal with strong emotions. So, lately I am failing at that, and resorting to separating the kids from what is bothering them and having them just have time to cool off and self sooth (which are good skills to gain too), which is fine, it gives them safe space to return to baseline using the tools that work for them currently--like listening to their music, having some time alone, snuggling with their favorite stuffies, reading/looking at a book, etc.... It just does not help them to build new pathways that help with their long term, executive functioning reactions to strong emotions.
The anger that I have been feeling has colored my reactions to myself, to my friendships, to my basic reactions to the challenges in my life. I have drastically reduced how much I write to friends, as I am not sure how mu writing is coming across, as even when I am not cognizant of my anger, it appears to work its way into some of the way i word things, even if I am not angry or upset at a person, that general sens of grumpiness appears to come through in emails about totally benign topics that I do not feel strongly about.
So, one of my goals during those few hours i will have each day, is to really focus on moving my body--as that is the on thing that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that releases angry, grumpy feelings in a productive and useful way, and leaves me feeling better. I do not like feeling angry and grumpy all the time. that dislike of anger is more motivational and powerful for me than my weight, my size, general feelings of malaise and depression, frustration about a variety of issues, or anything else. I do not want my children growing up with an angry parent, or even on that is just perpetually grumpy. I do not like the lack of compassion for foolish people that tend to accompany my generalized grumpiness, nor the lack of forgiveness that goes along with lessened compassion. I find that my tolerance for other people and for myself is greatly reduced as my anger increases, and i am more judgemental towards myself and others when there is that grumpiness rolling beneath the surface. It makes me cynical and irritated. Right now I am getting irritated by my own repetition in this post. So I will end there and just say that this angry feeling is becoming a driving force in wanting to get more healthy--particularly eating better and exercising!!
I have realized more recently that all of the current stresses, responsibilities, and challenges in my life overwhelm my focus to get physically healthy. This in turn creates many new challenges and does not allow me to clear my mind and my spirit to better handle all of the day to day challenges my life is currently filled with. So it is a horrible cycle. But I have finally created a problem for myself that no excuse I give myself will work for, I want THIS particular problem to be gone--as completely as I can get it out. And that problem is ANGER. I have been a short tempered, grumpy, ferocious person over the past couple of weeks. AND I HATE IT. I have always loved that I was a kind, gentle, forgiving, patient, and uber caring person. And ANGER is bowling me over lately. it confuses me, it affects the way I see the people in my life, it affects the way I react to challenges AND to joys, it makes me into a person that I can barely recognized. I do not like feeling like an angry person. I have often treated anger with food--between the endorphin rush, the serotonin release, and the psychological response to food, normally I could eat myself out of anger (rather than actually deal with such an unpleasant emotion).
That no longer works, and yes I have tried--I have been a bit of an eating machine the past few weeks. other than gaining back about 8 pounds that I had lost earlier, it has done little to eradicate the grumpiness. Though I am fairly good at hiding it, my children have noticed that I am more grumpy than usual, and they have found me less tolerant of crap than I normally am--especially int eh number of toys that have been shelved in the back room. If they treat their belongings in the wrong way (like BITING the gameboy, stuffed animal, or lego blocks or slamming controllers or stuffed animals into the floor (Gonzo's big issues--biting or slamming toys he is mad at)--both of which damage the electronics or tear stuffed animals, and are inappropriate responses to disappointment), the toy is taken and put away for a certain amount of time--from a few hours to a couple of weeks depending on various things. They also have been spending more time than usual cooling off in their rooms when they throw a tantrum over frustration or disappointment, neither of which warrant a fit. Normally I am good at redirecting, using the teaching moment, and helping to bring about an appropriate reaction to the issue at hand--which is a much better solution as it helps the kids learn the appropriate path to dealing with frustration and disappointment--with brain damage, it takes many, many MANY rounds (into the hundreds or repetition) to create new neurological pathways--so it is very important to work on the redirecting and reprocessing gently to nurture the formation of new pathways in how to deal with strong emotions. So, lately I am failing at that, and resorting to separating the kids from what is bothering them and having them just have time to cool off and self sooth (which are good skills to gain too), which is fine, it gives them safe space to return to baseline using the tools that work for them currently--like listening to their music, having some time alone, snuggling with their favorite stuffies, reading/looking at a book, etc.... It just does not help them to build new pathways that help with their long term, executive functioning reactions to strong emotions.
The anger that I have been feeling has colored my reactions to myself, to my friendships, to my basic reactions to the challenges in my life. I have drastically reduced how much I write to friends, as I am not sure how mu writing is coming across, as even when I am not cognizant of my anger, it appears to work its way into some of the way i word things, even if I am not angry or upset at a person, that general sens of grumpiness appears to come through in emails about totally benign topics that I do not feel strongly about.
So, one of my goals during those few hours i will have each day, is to really focus on moving my body--as that is the on thing that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that releases angry, grumpy feelings in a productive and useful way, and leaves me feeling better. I do not like feeling angry and grumpy all the time. that dislike of anger is more motivational and powerful for me than my weight, my size, general feelings of malaise and depression, frustration about a variety of issues, or anything else. I do not want my children growing up with an angry parent, or even on that is just perpetually grumpy. I do not like the lack of compassion for foolish people that tend to accompany my generalized grumpiness, nor the lack of forgiveness that goes along with lessened compassion. I find that my tolerance for other people and for myself is greatly reduced as my anger increases, and i am more judgemental towards myself and others when there is that grumpiness rolling beneath the surface. It makes me cynical and irritated. Right now I am getting irritated by my own repetition in this post. So I will end there and just say that this angry feeling is becoming a driving force in wanting to get more healthy--particularly eating better and exercising!!
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