I have actually tried to write a few different posts, but either run out of time or out of emotional energy to write them....
Yes, blogging sometimes takes a lot of emotional energy, mainly because life takes a lot of emotional energy and transformation takes a lot of emotional energy, and my life right now just takes a lot energy in ALL areas...I have such a headache.
So, quick update on various areas:
The renovations on the house--ugh... yeah, I won't go into details...suffice to say that everyday we get a little closer and a little closer to the finish line...I hope to have more news later on---OH wait! I do have some good news, instead of having to build kitchen cabinets and create a kitchen from scratch, about 2 weeks ago I was given a used kitchen--cabinets, counter tops, dishwasher, stove.... What a huge blessing it was. So there was a reason why the kitchen had not yet been worked on. We had to redesign the central part of the house, changing the layout of kitchen and dining room in order to be able to use this great kitchen. And in the end I like this design better. So the kitchen is almost plumbed (it would have been finished being plumbed today if I had not needed to take a break and give my dad a break, so that I could catch up on emails and phone calls that I have been neglecting for the past 3 weeks. And so i could take a deep breath and just focus on other areas of my life that need tending for the day. So I have taken my break today to be online and try to blog, before I have to go back to work at 2pm...
School for Josiah---ups and downs, still trying to figure out what is going on with him. I don't remember if I have posted about our chemical imbalance thoughts and such, if not I'll do that at a later time. Something is just not working for him there, and it does not seem to be working for them. I am convinced it is a combination of factors. But that still does not give me any more insight into the best course of action to take. We have a little time, we will be looking at other programs with the CSE chair---I feel kinda lost on this whole education plan thing for him. I thought Gonzo's issues were complicated and challenging. in many ways, he was a piece of cake compared to Josiah because Gonzo's issues, as challenging as they are, are consistent and somewhat predictable. Josiah is not...
There is more I want to say about other things, but I need to get ready to go back to work....starting next week, it will be full time, so no split shift, no more break in the middle of the day. But that means a higher income too....
I'll blog again soon....
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Packing....planning..... and birthday boy
Okay, so this weekend will be taken up with packing and moving most of our things down to the new house. The new house is not done, though we are getting closer and closer. As it stands I have to be out of our apartment by March 15th, which is Thursday, as the landlord has rented it, so I can not extend it any further. The kids will go and stay with A for probably about a week or so, and I will stay at my father's house while we work on finishing the new house. What a huge job this has been.
I finally took some pictures of the progress, though I do not have a before picture. Here are a few shots of the house in renovation:
These were actually taken about 2 weeks ago, but I just now uploaded them to the computer. Much has been done, though most of the work of renovation and construction is not easily visible, as plumbing and electric, insulation and other very important and time consuming things, tend not to have the "wow" effect of things like new walls going up, or paint or carpet. We are nearing the "wow" phase, when the work will be very visible, and as it gets completed, things will actually be in the final stages.
But this week also held Gonzo's 9th birthday!!!
I finally took some pictures of the progress, though I do not have a before picture. Here are a few shots of the house in renovation:
These were actually taken about 2 weeks ago, but I just now uploaded them to the computer. Much has been done, though most of the work of renovation and construction is not easily visible, as plumbing and electric, insulation and other very important and time consuming things, tend not to have the "wow" effect of things like new walls going up, or paint or carpet. We are nearing the "wow" phase, when the work will be very visible, and as it gets completed, things will actually be in the final stages.
But this week also held Gonzo's 9th birthday!!!
I will do a post soon about this amazing little man, who for the first time in his school career, has the right supports, with the right teachers, with the right focus, and because everything is finally in the right places, HE IS DOING GREAT AT SCHOOL!!!! It took a while, and a lot of trial and error, but finally he is having a successful and positive school experience, and can now learn and grow, and have all the wonderful experiences that school has to offer. I am hoping it takes us less time to reach this point with Josiah, but I know it is possible. Looking back at Gonzo in Kindergarten reminds me that Josiah's school start has been easier than Gonzo's was, and I know it will all come together, eventually. I just have to keep advocating for his needs, countering non-productive attitudes, insisting on appropriate treatment and understanding of his issues, and being open to trying new things. Gonzo has been a shining example this year of how amazingly a child can shift when given the right level of supports. This amazing 9 year old (9!) overcomes many challenges, and many horrors in his past, and after having been with us for 6 years, is starting to finally thrive. I am very proud of my son. And I will write more later on him and his amazingness....(I know it is not a word, but it is fun to say, and should be a word...)
Monday, March 5, 2012
reflecting on comment....
So, i received an interesting comment about my last post from someone who decided to be anonymous. The poster who was too fearful to even write their name said that essentially that I hate school and have poisoned my children against it (which must be why we spend time every night finding the three things we like best about school, and what they are looking forward to at school tomorrow--yeah, I really am trying to poison my children against school...(rolls eyes...sigh...)). Which I find interesting, given that most of the last post discussed the benefits of homeschooling against the benefits of public school education--and the reasons that I DID NOT want to pull my son out of public school. Because of the BENEFITS that school offers. Just because I believe that certain aspects of education are better fulfilled in other ways, and because certain aspects of the institution of school bother me, does not mean I hate school. If I truly hated school and saw no beneficial reason for sending my children, they would have been home schooled long ago. Which tells me that the person (unless they are just a troll trying to create discord and hurt in an already painful and difficult situation, in which case I stick my tongue out at you and pray that you get a life worth living) has not truly read my posts about Josiah's schooling, or understood the many many things I have said about my beliefs about school or what I want for my children. As I do not hate school--there are things I hate ABOUT school, there are certain people associated with the school that I do NOT like, but as a whole, if the placement and supports are correct, then school can be a VERY positive and beneficial experience.
As any of my readers know, there have been many posts about the challenges that my son is facing at school, and I have talked at length about my feelings about how the school handles some things well and how they do not. I have talked at length about my feelings about the basic structure of the public school system as a whole and how it is not ideal for the complete well rounded development of children. I have also stated many times why it is beneficial and an important part of the childhood experience in this culture. I have talked about my feelings on home school, and why I feel it is important for my kids to BE IN SCHOOL. Even the public school system know and requires only 2 hours of one-on-one instruction in lieu of a 6-7 hour school day, as the shorter, more individual education takes far less time to accomplish more academics. That is because, part of a child's education at school has nothing at all to do with academics--it has much, much more to do with social and cultural molding. And that is very important. Most people who remove their children from public education do so because of they do not agree with the social and cultural molding their children are getting. I am not a huge fan of it myself, as I believe it is an outdated motif, left from from an industrial, assembly line mentality era, when it was important to get children accustomed to the industrial life view and living model. Our world has change to a post-industrial era, and creativity, individuality, and numerous other social and cultural traits are more valuable than industrial modality, but it is taking the school model longer to change than the culture as a whole.
I have spent more energy (physical, emotional, & cognitive) dealing with school related issues in the past four years than i have in dealing with ALL of the other issues the boys have combined, which if you know anything at all about my boys and their special needs, you will have some understanding go how much time and energy goes into managing their needs aside from school and aside from them just being kids. The main reason for that is that public school is not in any way designed to handle kids who do not fit into basic molds. And we, as a society and a culture, have learned that people have value (did you know that anonymous commenter) and can contribute to society as a whole, as well as live fruitful lives from an individual perspective, if all people are treated like people and given the opportunity to have a family, to have an education, to have social interaction, to be out in public--unlike the 1950's idea that all people who do not fit the right molds need to be locked away, and neglected, and allowed to die or languish is some state akin to death, rather than given then chance to reach their potential. Thar means that those who would have been locked away before, are now being included in life and society as they should be. BUT it also means that people have to be flexible, and be able to learn and be able to adapt and change, and be open minded--they need to think outside the box, and be ready fro trial and error, be ready to have unexpected reactions, and be willing to lose the cookie cutter children idea. It means that those with special needs, have special needs--needs that are different from the needs of the average person. it means that something that worked well for me or you or joe schmo down the street, may or may not work well for them. If their needs did not differ significantly from the average person--they WOULD NOT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!
It means that as a parent I have to be more flexible in my expectation, my desired for my own life, and my dreams for the future both for myself and my children. It means that the doctors have to be willing to gain knowledge about their various medical issues which make treatment different for them in some areas. it means that teachers need to be open to learning other styles of teaching and dealing with a child whose needs and abilities are different. It means that people need to stop assuming they have it all figured out, and be flexible, wiling to change, and grow and learn--not just once but everyday.
So, dear troll, it also means that as a parent, I need to work as hard as I can to find what works and what does not for my child. That in order for him to reach his fullest potential, have stability, develop appropriate social behaviors, and become a fully independent adult in another 15 years, I need to respond appropriately to his needs, and be his advocate to ensure that those environments and areas(medical, educational, psychosocial, developmental, and social) that are part of his life and vital to his growth and maturation, are appropriate and are helping rather than hurting his ability to become an independent adult. My job is not to ensure that he is always happy or have everything that he wants, my job is not to make the lives of those who know him easier and to pity them for their having to work with a child with challenges, my job is not to make excuses fro his behavior or to ignore his needs and try to force him to be "normal" (we all can see how easy to is to say to the child "get up and walk like a real kid" and when he does not to blame him for his insolence, or blame his parent fro carrying him--forget the fact that he has cerebral palsy and can even stand with out support--if that is ridiculous, why would you think that other special needs are less debilitating or more deliberate?).
My job and my passion to to help make the world a place where all people --ALL PEOPLE (even the comment trolls)--can be accepted for who they are, for the amazing things that they CAN do, for the unique ways that they can contribute to the growth and evolution of humanity, and for the blessing they can bring to all that they meet. And I know that I will meet many people (have already) that do not understand. People that can not see past their own personal experience to recognize that there are different kinds of people in the world and ALL have value. There are people who do not understand how you can be upset about something going on with a particular situation without hating the whole situation. People who do not get that just because something is less than ideal, that it is okay to express your thoughts about that less ideal issue without having to write off the whole institution. So, I hope that the commenter will have the courage and the respect to step forward and discuss their reflections openly and with thoughtful respect. And will remember that all of us get frustrated sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with being frustrated. God knows my son's teachers get frustrated, and struggle with how to be approach the situation, but sometimes it is overwhelming--and it is okay to feel overwhelmed, it is okay to need to walk away, it is okay to vent and to rant---and it is okay to then come full circle and be ready to step in again and try to work towards a solution. God knows we all hit different parts of that circle at different times...even in the same day.
So i will continue to work with the school personnel, with the teachers, with the therapist, with the doctors, with my son and with myself regarding ongoing issues at school. I will continue to vent when I need to, reflect on things when I need to ,work out my thoughts and feelings, work through new information, and be open to expressing all of it in a public forum--because I know that I am not alone in these challenges, I am not alone in these frustrations, I am not alone in these joys, I am not alone in these blessings---and even the trolls are there to remind me why I blog, why I think out loud (in writing even) and why i am NOT afraid to openly express my feelings in a public forum. There are others out there who need to know they are not alone in their experiences. There are those who like to hear how ideas and thought processes are moving so that they can use some of it for their situation. And there are those like the anonymous commenter, who need to express their own frustration, and remind me that what we think someone is saying is not always what they are saying. inference and implications may be completely different...and it is okay---each person lives their own life their own way.
As any of my readers know, there have been many posts about the challenges that my son is facing at school, and I have talked at length about my feelings about how the school handles some things well and how they do not. I have talked at length about my feelings about the basic structure of the public school system as a whole and how it is not ideal for the complete well rounded development of children. I have also stated many times why it is beneficial and an important part of the childhood experience in this culture. I have talked about my feelings on home school, and why I feel it is important for my kids to BE IN SCHOOL. Even the public school system know and requires only 2 hours of one-on-one instruction in lieu of a 6-7 hour school day, as the shorter, more individual education takes far less time to accomplish more academics. That is because, part of a child's education at school has nothing at all to do with academics--it has much, much more to do with social and cultural molding. And that is very important. Most people who remove their children from public education do so because of they do not agree with the social and cultural molding their children are getting. I am not a huge fan of it myself, as I believe it is an outdated motif, left from from an industrial, assembly line mentality era, when it was important to get children accustomed to the industrial life view and living model. Our world has change to a post-industrial era, and creativity, individuality, and numerous other social and cultural traits are more valuable than industrial modality, but it is taking the school model longer to change than the culture as a whole.
I have spent more energy (physical, emotional, & cognitive) dealing with school related issues in the past four years than i have in dealing with ALL of the other issues the boys have combined, which if you know anything at all about my boys and their special needs, you will have some understanding go how much time and energy goes into managing their needs aside from school and aside from them just being kids. The main reason for that is that public school is not in any way designed to handle kids who do not fit into basic molds. And we, as a society and a culture, have learned that people have value (did you know that anonymous commenter) and can contribute to society as a whole, as well as live fruitful lives from an individual perspective, if all people are treated like people and given the opportunity to have a family, to have an education, to have social interaction, to be out in public--unlike the 1950's idea that all people who do not fit the right molds need to be locked away, and neglected, and allowed to die or languish is some state akin to death, rather than given then chance to reach their potential. Thar means that those who would have been locked away before, are now being included in life and society as they should be. BUT it also means that people have to be flexible, and be able to learn and be able to adapt and change, and be open minded--they need to think outside the box, and be ready fro trial and error, be ready to have unexpected reactions, and be willing to lose the cookie cutter children idea. It means that those with special needs, have special needs--needs that are different from the needs of the average person. it means that something that worked well for me or you or joe schmo down the street, may or may not work well for them. If their needs did not differ significantly from the average person--they WOULD NOT HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!
It means that as a parent I have to be more flexible in my expectation, my desired for my own life, and my dreams for the future both for myself and my children. It means that the doctors have to be willing to gain knowledge about their various medical issues which make treatment different for them in some areas. it means that teachers need to be open to learning other styles of teaching and dealing with a child whose needs and abilities are different. It means that people need to stop assuming they have it all figured out, and be flexible, wiling to change, and grow and learn--not just once but everyday.
So, dear troll, it also means that as a parent, I need to work as hard as I can to find what works and what does not for my child. That in order for him to reach his fullest potential, have stability, develop appropriate social behaviors, and become a fully independent adult in another 15 years, I need to respond appropriately to his needs, and be his advocate to ensure that those environments and areas(medical, educational, psychosocial, developmental, and social) that are part of his life and vital to his growth and maturation, are appropriate and are helping rather than hurting his ability to become an independent adult. My job is not to ensure that he is always happy or have everything that he wants, my job is not to make the lives of those who know him easier and to pity them for their having to work with a child with challenges, my job is not to make excuses fro his behavior or to ignore his needs and try to force him to be "normal" (we all can see how easy to is to say to the child "get up and walk like a real kid" and when he does not to blame him for his insolence, or blame his parent fro carrying him--forget the fact that he has cerebral palsy and can even stand with out support--if that is ridiculous, why would you think that other special needs are less debilitating or more deliberate?).
My job and my passion to to help make the world a place where all people --ALL PEOPLE (even the comment trolls)--can be accepted for who they are, for the amazing things that they CAN do, for the unique ways that they can contribute to the growth and evolution of humanity, and for the blessing they can bring to all that they meet. And I know that I will meet many people (have already) that do not understand. People that can not see past their own personal experience to recognize that there are different kinds of people in the world and ALL have value. There are people who do not understand how you can be upset about something going on with a particular situation without hating the whole situation. People who do not get that just because something is less than ideal, that it is okay to express your thoughts about that less ideal issue without having to write off the whole institution. So, I hope that the commenter will have the courage and the respect to step forward and discuss their reflections openly and with thoughtful respect. And will remember that all of us get frustrated sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with being frustrated. God knows my son's teachers get frustrated, and struggle with how to be approach the situation, but sometimes it is overwhelming--and it is okay to feel overwhelmed, it is okay to need to walk away, it is okay to vent and to rant---and it is okay to then come full circle and be ready to step in again and try to work towards a solution. God knows we all hit different parts of that circle at different times...even in the same day.
So i will continue to work with the school personnel, with the teachers, with the therapist, with the doctors, with my son and with myself regarding ongoing issues at school. I will continue to vent when I need to, reflect on things when I need to ,work out my thoughts and feelings, work through new information, and be open to expressing all of it in a public forum--because I know that I am not alone in these challenges, I am not alone in these frustrations, I am not alone in these joys, I am not alone in these blessings---and even the trolls are there to remind me why I blog, why I think out loud (in writing even) and why i am NOT afraid to openly express my feelings in a public forum. There are others out there who need to know they are not alone in their experiences. There are those who like to hear how ideas and thought processes are moving so that they can use some of it for their situation. And there are those like the anonymous commenter, who need to express their own frustration, and remind me that what we think someone is saying is not always what they are saying. inference and implications may be completely different...and it is okay---each person lives their own life their own way.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thinking...as Usual...
So, Josiah's return to school after break has not been so good. Something is causing him great distress there, to the point that even talking about school gives him a stomach ache. And he does not seem to be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that is just so problematic. He shares with me that is is afraid at school. The school does not seem to ever interpret his anger reaction as a shield against his fear--which tells me they do not know much about basic human dynamics. Most of the people I know put a face on fear that does not look like fear. For some people, fear shows up as depression. For some people fear presents as mania, they run around like crazy being super busy and never stopping--but it is because of fear that drives them. I have known many people who when they feel fear, the get defensive and angry. And anger covers their fear, but the problem is not anger, it is fear, and if you help alleviate the fear, all of the symptomatic fronts, all of the behaviors that human being have to try to hide the fear, will dissipate.
It does not matter if it is fear of physical harm, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of being seen as wrong, fear of not having needs met, fear of being emotionally injured, fear of not being able to succeed...all fear is fear, whether rational or not, whether well founded by someone from the outside or not, whether anyone else understands it or not....FEAR IS WHAT IT IS. And fear does not discriminate by gender, height, abilities, age, skin color, or any other of the artificial divisions we make between human beings. Fear is fear is fear, and whether you are an adult or a child, fat or thin, black or white, tall or short, male or female...fear is fear, and we all have different ways that we retaliate against fear. Some people laugh hysterically, so people cry hysterically, some people flutter around like a hummingbird on red bull, some people sit and stare out the window, some people sleep, some people are insomniacs, some people eat (and eat and eat), other people can barely keep water down, some people becoming bossy control freaks, some people become weepy incompetents, some people being red hot angry....
Until you calm the fear, until you help a person feel safe, until they know that they can be held, contained, protected, and know what to expect...until the fear is calmed...you can not control the behaviors, and the more you try to the greater the fear increases, and the behaviors start going in all different directions. When you try to stomp an an already full water balloon trying to make it smaller, it will pop. When you try to stomp on an already distressed human being, trying to stop the filling without stopping the flow, they will burst.
Calm the fears, give clear boundaries and safe, logical, compassionate consequences, give support and encouragement to move beyond fear, give a sense of belonging and safety...those go a long way to alleviating fear. Once a fear pattern and model has been in place for a long time, it is going to take a LOT more than a pat on the head and simple empty reassurance to reduce the fear that started months before and grew in response to inappropriate responses to need and/or fear expression.
So I am thinking it may be time to bring Josiah home, to finish the Kindergarten year at home, just as we did with Gonzo. Give him some time to learn and focus on schooling where he feels safe, and can then again start to equate learning with a safe activity. Then we can try again in first grade, to integrate him in the social industrial model of public education, hopefully with a better sense of himself, and more internal capacity to regulate his own fears and insecurities, and be better able to understand the oddities and social structure of public education. I DO believe that homeschooling done correctly is FAR, FAR superior to industrial institutional education, HOWEVER, I also believe that having the social training that a larger school population provides, and the greater range of experience with a variety of different adults and children, each bringing their own family culture and experience into the lives of the public school children is very important in helping children develop a stronger, broader sense of the world. If it were only about academic achievement, public school should be obliterated and replaced with conscientious homeschooling, as each academic plan/curriculum is based on each child's needs and interests. But school is a social experiment, and helps even out the family quirks, and introduce kids the the fact that everyone is different, believes different things, has different experiences, and THAT IT IS OKAY.
It does not matter if it is fear of physical harm, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of being seen as wrong, fear of not having needs met, fear of being emotionally injured, fear of not being able to succeed...all fear is fear, whether rational or not, whether well founded by someone from the outside or not, whether anyone else understands it or not....FEAR IS WHAT IT IS. And fear does not discriminate by gender, height, abilities, age, skin color, or any other of the artificial divisions we make between human beings. Fear is fear is fear, and whether you are an adult or a child, fat or thin, black or white, tall or short, male or female...fear is fear, and we all have different ways that we retaliate against fear. Some people laugh hysterically, so people cry hysterically, some people flutter around like a hummingbird on red bull, some people sit and stare out the window, some people sleep, some people are insomniacs, some people eat (and eat and eat), other people can barely keep water down, some people becoming bossy control freaks, some people become weepy incompetents, some people being red hot angry....
Until you calm the fear, until you help a person feel safe, until they know that they can be held, contained, protected, and know what to expect...until the fear is calmed...you can not control the behaviors, and the more you try to the greater the fear increases, and the behaviors start going in all different directions. When you try to stomp an an already full water balloon trying to make it smaller, it will pop. When you try to stomp on an already distressed human being, trying to stop the filling without stopping the flow, they will burst.
Calm the fears, give clear boundaries and safe, logical, compassionate consequences, give support and encouragement to move beyond fear, give a sense of belonging and safety...those go a long way to alleviating fear. Once a fear pattern and model has been in place for a long time, it is going to take a LOT more than a pat on the head and simple empty reassurance to reduce the fear that started months before and grew in response to inappropriate responses to need and/or fear expression.
So I am thinking it may be time to bring Josiah home, to finish the Kindergarten year at home, just as we did with Gonzo. Give him some time to learn and focus on schooling where he feels safe, and can then again start to equate learning with a safe activity. Then we can try again in first grade, to integrate him in the social industrial model of public education, hopefully with a better sense of himself, and more internal capacity to regulate his own fears and insecurities, and be better able to understand the oddities and social structure of public education. I DO believe that homeschooling done correctly is FAR, FAR superior to industrial institutional education, HOWEVER, I also believe that having the social training that a larger school population provides, and the greater range of experience with a variety of different adults and children, each bringing their own family culture and experience into the lives of the public school children is very important in helping children develop a stronger, broader sense of the world. If it were only about academic achievement, public school should be obliterated and replaced with conscientious homeschooling, as each academic plan/curriculum is based on each child's needs and interests. But school is a social experiment, and helps even out the family quirks, and introduce kids the the fact that everyone is different, believes different things, has different experiences, and THAT IT IS OKAY.
Friday, February 24, 2012
wow, a ten day break from blogging!
This is the longest break I think I have taken from blogging since I started this blog nearly a year ago.
So, I have been working a lot of the house, renovations seems to go so slowly. But we had the framing inspector come and he approved what has been done so far. So that is a good thing. I am still hopeful that somehow we will be able to be done by March 13th so we can be moved in by March 15th, which is when I have to be out of my apartment. It is coming along...I have faith that we will make it by the deadline.
Josiah showed some improvement during the remainder of that last week of school before the winter break. We have been working on reducing any potential bad behavior influence in case that is exacerbating the problem. Like I wrote last time, we have eliminated SpongeBob for the time being as so many of the rude things he was saying was coming from there. A and I evaluated video games and we discovered that the Hulk game they got for Christmas has a lot of "I'm gonna make you die" and "I'll break your neck sucker." and similar phases, we have decided to remove all superhero video games (and any superhero shows) for a while until the kids are able to understand that you just can NOT say those kinds of things outside of a video game. So essentially the kids 2 dimensional entertainment has been truncated to much more wholesome shows of their choosing--mainly Veggie Tales, Go Diego Go, Thomas the Train, Up, Curious George, etc.... and video games mainly racing games like Mario Cart, and WII play, MonkeyBall, and Sonic. the do have other games (Nemo, Dora, Madagascar, etc...) that they can play too.
In addition we have been working together on self-control techniques, reducing "freak out" behavior, super praising positive and wanted behavior and actions. The kids are being more responsible in cleaning up after themselves, which has been great, as Gonzo had been doing well with it, but Josiah had just been refusing to do it. And now they have both been helping, and HAPPY about it. Josiah, with verbal persuasion, actually wore his glasses for HOURS today, without complaining after the first 10 minutes. As he is supposed to wear them 6 plus hours a day, it is great to finally have some compliance in this area. I am hoping that as he returns to school next week, his good behavior and compliant behavior (I have been using a combination of collaborative problem solving, where he and I talk about a problem and decide together on a solution), and basic "I'm the mom and I love you so you need to do this. It is good for you because XYZ". Gonzo, as usual, is more problematic for me at home than he is a school, and so using the collaborative problem solving has been somewhat effective, but as soon as another person is in the mix, he becomes Mr. defiant and nastily rude to me about some things. Overall there has been some improvement in this area, but Mr. bossy and I still butt heads from time to time, which usually includes a lot of melodrama on his part. Overall though, this vacation has seen the kids working and playing well together, and having some good family moments.
I have been working on a few things in myself these past couple of weeks as well. To reduce stress I have been trying to do a guided mediation a few times a week, and it has been helpful, as well as some other centering exercises. I have also been trying to move my body more. I had mentioned previously that I am connecting socially with people in a neat virtual world called Second Life. They have an extremely wide variety of different sim worlds there, and so I pick and choose. I have found a couple of DJ music clubs and you can dance animate your avatar (the representation of yourself in the virtual world). So some nights I have decided to imitate my avatar with the dance moves. It has been fun! Though of course I close the shades, as I really don't think anyone wants to see me dancing around my living room. But it is a good workout, with great music and a lot of fun.
The next couple of weeks will be full of working on the house, packing the apartment, and praying that everything comes together in time....
So, I have been working a lot of the house, renovations seems to go so slowly. But we had the framing inspector come and he approved what has been done so far. So that is a good thing. I am still hopeful that somehow we will be able to be done by March 13th so we can be moved in by March 15th, which is when I have to be out of my apartment. It is coming along...I have faith that we will make it by the deadline.
Josiah showed some improvement during the remainder of that last week of school before the winter break. We have been working on reducing any potential bad behavior influence in case that is exacerbating the problem. Like I wrote last time, we have eliminated SpongeBob for the time being as so many of the rude things he was saying was coming from there. A and I evaluated video games and we discovered that the Hulk game they got for Christmas has a lot of "I'm gonna make you die" and "I'll break your neck sucker." and similar phases, we have decided to remove all superhero video games (and any superhero shows) for a while until the kids are able to understand that you just can NOT say those kinds of things outside of a video game. So essentially the kids 2 dimensional entertainment has been truncated to much more wholesome shows of their choosing--mainly Veggie Tales, Go Diego Go, Thomas the Train, Up, Curious George, etc.... and video games mainly racing games like Mario Cart, and WII play, MonkeyBall, and Sonic. the do have other games (Nemo, Dora, Madagascar, etc...) that they can play too.
In addition we have been working together on self-control techniques, reducing "freak out" behavior, super praising positive and wanted behavior and actions. The kids are being more responsible in cleaning up after themselves, which has been great, as Gonzo had been doing well with it, but Josiah had just been refusing to do it. And now they have both been helping, and HAPPY about it. Josiah, with verbal persuasion, actually wore his glasses for HOURS today, without complaining after the first 10 minutes. As he is supposed to wear them 6 plus hours a day, it is great to finally have some compliance in this area. I am hoping that as he returns to school next week, his good behavior and compliant behavior (I have been using a combination of collaborative problem solving, where he and I talk about a problem and decide together on a solution), and basic "I'm the mom and I love you so you need to do this. It is good for you because XYZ". Gonzo, as usual, is more problematic for me at home than he is a school, and so using the collaborative problem solving has been somewhat effective, but as soon as another person is in the mix, he becomes Mr. defiant and nastily rude to me about some things. Overall there has been some improvement in this area, but Mr. bossy and I still butt heads from time to time, which usually includes a lot of melodrama on his part. Overall though, this vacation has seen the kids working and playing well together, and having some good family moments.
I have been working on a few things in myself these past couple of weeks as well. To reduce stress I have been trying to do a guided mediation a few times a week, and it has been helpful, as well as some other centering exercises. I have also been trying to move my body more. I had mentioned previously that I am connecting socially with people in a neat virtual world called Second Life. They have an extremely wide variety of different sim worlds there, and so I pick and choose. I have found a couple of DJ music clubs and you can dance animate your avatar (the representation of yourself in the virtual world). So some nights I have decided to imitate my avatar with the dance moves. It has been fun! Though of course I close the shades, as I really don't think anyone wants to see me dancing around my living room. But it is a good workout, with great music and a lot of fun.
The next couple of weeks will be full of working on the house, packing the apartment, and praying that everything comes together in time....
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
changes I am making
Okay, so I know earlier today I had my little rant about things about school. It is just that it is such a difficult situation, and the school and I both have high hopes for my son, but we also have different ideas of what that means. I want Josiah to be the best Josiah that he can be--to love who he is, the embrace his strengths and his weaknesses, to find what makes him who he is, and to find the best way that he can contribute to and make an impact in the world. I want him to be happy with who he is, happy with the choices that he makes, and be a person that others can respect and cherish for who he is and how he chooses to live. That is what I want for my son.
The school also wants him to strive to reach his highest potential. they want him to come to school ready to follow the schedule that all of the other kids follow. They want him to move through the day in the same way other kids do. They want him to not question their authority, and just calmly and kindly associate with his peers and his teachers in a way that is respectful and acceptable in our society. They want him to conform to the needs and routines of the institution. They recognise that due to his physical and developmental challenges, he needs help and some accommodation to do this, and expect him to just accept their help and accommodations just as they expect him to follow the rules. They want him to be successful in the arena that they are setting forth for him.
Both of these goals for Josiah are good. Both have the right focus--wanting to help Josiah to succeed and find his niche in the world, and to do so with self confidence, self-discipline, and self awareness, as well as a more local and global awareness of how he and his actions impact others.
But what does Josiah want?
obviously we are all missing something here--as he is NOT reaching those goals. What is his focus, what lens is he viewing the world through? What is the motivation that he has for his behaviors and the words that he says? When he gets angry and frustrated, he shouts out things and says he wants to hurt people, but I have watched him and know that he actually does not want to hurt or upset others, but when he is so upset, I think he puts that "bully" cloak on because it hides his fear. He talks to me about being afraid, when I ask him to tell me about what was going on. At school he says he is angry, at home he tells me he was scared. But at school he can not identify why he was angry and at home he rarely can identify verbally why he was scared.
I have spent quite a bit of time this evening going over his daily reports. January was an amazing month of him, almost every day was a "star student" day (meaning that he did very well, and even if he had a mishap, that he worked to correct it and overcome it). Then suddenly, with very little lead up time, he was having horrible days at school again. he refuses to go to music, which is the class he loves the most (which started before the big meltdowns) and is telling me that he is scared to go there because he got in trouble, though no one has mentioned trouble in music class. Other things I was looking at was the phrases he is saying when he is angry. At first they made no sense to me, as they are not ones we use often (if at all) in our house--"You Suck" "I hate people" "Piece of garbage" etc.... And as read through them a few times, suddenly I could hear them in my head being said by a specific voice--the voice of Squidward on Sponge bob square pant. Almost every single rude and mean thing Josiah has been saying has come from Squidward!!
So I started really thinking about this...In many wise and religious texts it talks about how what we focus on is important to our lives and/or becomes a part of us. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV) This idea is well supported by the Law of Attraction teachings, "What you focus on expands..." "What you think about you bring about..." and a number of other references to this in the movie/book The Secret, as well as many other books. I'd go more into this but it is late and anyone who really wants to know can find many more sources than I just by using google.
Anyway, with this in mind, A and I talked about it, and we decided that we will see what happens if we eliminate Sponge Bob Square pants from the kids viewing. At this point I am willing to try anything (including getting rid of TV, video games and all other 2 dimensional substitutes for life--though that is a bit drastic). I am toying with the idea of limiting viewing to educational shows only, but for now I think we will go wit eliminating Sponge Bob as that seems to be Josiah's focus and his internalization of some of the attitudes and phrases from there. I am also further reducing video gaming time (which I had started already, as Josiah has been having extreme reactions to losing--it doesn't help that his brother can not stop himself from rubbing it it very nonchalantly anytime Josiah does not get a perfect score).
I am really hoping it will help. i am not sure what else to change....
The school also wants him to strive to reach his highest potential. they want him to come to school ready to follow the schedule that all of the other kids follow. They want him to move through the day in the same way other kids do. They want him to not question their authority, and just calmly and kindly associate with his peers and his teachers in a way that is respectful and acceptable in our society. They want him to conform to the needs and routines of the institution. They recognise that due to his physical and developmental challenges, he needs help and some accommodation to do this, and expect him to just accept their help and accommodations just as they expect him to follow the rules. They want him to be successful in the arena that they are setting forth for him.
Both of these goals for Josiah are good. Both have the right focus--wanting to help Josiah to succeed and find his niche in the world, and to do so with self confidence, self-discipline, and self awareness, as well as a more local and global awareness of how he and his actions impact others.
But what does Josiah want?
obviously we are all missing something here--as he is NOT reaching those goals. What is his focus, what lens is he viewing the world through? What is the motivation that he has for his behaviors and the words that he says? When he gets angry and frustrated, he shouts out things and says he wants to hurt people, but I have watched him and know that he actually does not want to hurt or upset others, but when he is so upset, I think he puts that "bully" cloak on because it hides his fear. He talks to me about being afraid, when I ask him to tell me about what was going on. At school he says he is angry, at home he tells me he was scared. But at school he can not identify why he was angry and at home he rarely can identify verbally why he was scared.
I have spent quite a bit of time this evening going over his daily reports. January was an amazing month of him, almost every day was a "star student" day (meaning that he did very well, and even if he had a mishap, that he worked to correct it and overcome it). Then suddenly, with very little lead up time, he was having horrible days at school again. he refuses to go to music, which is the class he loves the most (which started before the big meltdowns) and is telling me that he is scared to go there because he got in trouble, though no one has mentioned trouble in music class. Other things I was looking at was the phrases he is saying when he is angry. At first they made no sense to me, as they are not ones we use often (if at all) in our house--"You Suck" "I hate people" "Piece of garbage" etc.... And as read through them a few times, suddenly I could hear them in my head being said by a specific voice--the voice of Squidward on Sponge bob square pant. Almost every single rude and mean thing Josiah has been saying has come from Squidward!!
So I started really thinking about this...In many wise and religious texts it talks about how what we focus on is important to our lives and/or becomes a part of us. Phillipians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV) This idea is well supported by the Law of Attraction teachings, "What you focus on expands..." "What you think about you bring about..." and a number of other references to this in the movie/book The Secret, as well as many other books. I'd go more into this but it is late and anyone who really wants to know can find many more sources than I just by using google.
Anyway, with this in mind, A and I talked about it, and we decided that we will see what happens if we eliminate Sponge Bob Square pants from the kids viewing. At this point I am willing to try anything (including getting rid of TV, video games and all other 2 dimensional substitutes for life--though that is a bit drastic). I am toying with the idea of limiting viewing to educational shows only, but for now I think we will go wit eliminating Sponge Bob as that seems to be Josiah's focus and his internalization of some of the attitudes and phrases from there. I am also further reducing video gaming time (which I had started already, as Josiah has been having extreme reactions to losing--it doesn't help that his brother can not stop himself from rubbing it it very nonchalantly anytime Josiah does not get a perfect score).
I am really hoping it will help. i am not sure what else to change....
Life is sstill good...but....
Have you ever noticed that when a child is exhibiting challenging behavior, the school is quick to blame the parents. But then when the child's behavior improves, the school pats themselves on the back about what a great job they are doing, with no credit given to the parents for the good behavior. And then if that same child has a challenging week after a period of good, come then call that they need to talk about what is going on at home, because of course if it is bad behavior it must be because the parents SUCK. I am sure they don't consciously think that, but that is essentially what happens, and the message it conveys:
Good child=Good Teacher, Bad Child= Bad Parent
Forget the fact that he did not exhibit these behaviors until he started school with them.
Forget that nothing significant has changed at home recently to prompt behaviorally negative reactions.
Forget that when his behavior improved there was never a call home that said "He is doing great! What has changed at home to bring about such positive behavior changes? lets meet to discuss what can we do to understand why he is doing well, so that we can keep it going."
But give him a few days of poor behavior and we get the call about needing a meeting. Because obviously if he is having a bad week, it must be something the parent is doing wrong. A child is not allowed to just have a bad week.
I just am at a loss. I have no idea why he had a bad week last week, or had a rough start to yesterday. He has been sleeping fine. Last week I though tit was because he had a bad bout of constipation, but we resolved that and he is "going" fine again. He has been eating fine, sleeping fine, a little clingy maybe, definitely a little more on edge, but I am not sure why. Perhaps his body is fighting off a cold, but he has no cold symptoms. Perhaps he is frustrated with something. Perhaps he is just human, and we all have weeks that we just are more grumpy than other weeks, without really knowing why. I am just so tired of not only dealing with trying to help Josiah over whatever hump it is, but having to deal with the additional stress of school personnel who seem to think that something I am doing is the cause. I am tired of the whole school sh*t. He is not a child that institutionalizes well, which actually bodes very well for his adult life and his ability to someday be able to think for himself, to be creative and become someone amazing--As long as they don't beat that out of him by trying to jam him into a round peg hole when he does not conform like a little drone. "yes, teacher" "no, teacher" "flowers are always red teacher, I understand" "leaves are always green teacher". A big part of the problem Josiah is having this year is that he sees all of the colors of the rainbow, all of the colors of the rising sun, all of the colors of the flowers....
He is frustrated...AND THEY DON'T GET THAT!!
Last week I said that maybe he is just having a period of time where he is frustrated by his limitations, and no one can do anything to reduce those limitations. So sometimes it comes out in various ways, he is not always going to intellectualize it and say, "boy I am feeling frustrated this week about my physical limitations."
He just knows he is tired of not being able to do what he sees other people doing. To me, that would sometime rear its head and give me an underlying grumpiness, even if I did not consciously acknowledge it. but they said "no, no he has not expressed that at all" completely missing the point of what I was saying.
God i am glad I had teachers when I was a child who, for the most part, could see the person in the child (aside from my third grade teacher who was just a monster). But anyway, I am done with my rant. I am hoping that things improve very soon.
Good child=Good Teacher, Bad Child= Bad Parent
Forget the fact that he did not exhibit these behaviors until he started school with them.
Forget that nothing significant has changed at home recently to prompt behaviorally negative reactions.
Forget that when his behavior improved there was never a call home that said "He is doing great! What has changed at home to bring about such positive behavior changes? lets meet to discuss what can we do to understand why he is doing well, so that we can keep it going."
But give him a few days of poor behavior and we get the call about needing a meeting. Because obviously if he is having a bad week, it must be something the parent is doing wrong. A child is not allowed to just have a bad week.
I just am at a loss. I have no idea why he had a bad week last week, or had a rough start to yesterday. He has been sleeping fine. Last week I though tit was because he had a bad bout of constipation, but we resolved that and he is "going" fine again. He has been eating fine, sleeping fine, a little clingy maybe, definitely a little more on edge, but I am not sure why. Perhaps his body is fighting off a cold, but he has no cold symptoms. Perhaps he is frustrated with something. Perhaps he is just human, and we all have weeks that we just are more grumpy than other weeks, without really knowing why. I am just so tired of not only dealing with trying to help Josiah over whatever hump it is, but having to deal with the additional stress of school personnel who seem to think that something I am doing is the cause. I am tired of the whole school sh*t. He is not a child that institutionalizes well, which actually bodes very well for his adult life and his ability to someday be able to think for himself, to be creative and become someone amazing--As long as they don't beat that out of him by trying to jam him into a round peg hole when he does not conform like a little drone. "yes, teacher" "no, teacher" "flowers are always red teacher, I understand" "leaves are always green teacher". A big part of the problem Josiah is having this year is that he sees all of the colors of the rainbow, all of the colors of the rising sun, all of the colors of the flowers....
He is frustrated...AND THEY DON'T GET THAT!!
Last week I said that maybe he is just having a period of time where he is frustrated by his limitations, and no one can do anything to reduce those limitations. So sometimes it comes out in various ways, he is not always going to intellectualize it and say, "boy I am feeling frustrated this week about my physical limitations."
He just knows he is tired of not being able to do what he sees other people doing. To me, that would sometime rear its head and give me an underlying grumpiness, even if I did not consciously acknowledge it. but they said "no, no he has not expressed that at all" completely missing the point of what I was saying.
God i am glad I had teachers when I was a child who, for the most part, could see the person in the child (aside from my third grade teacher who was just a monster). But anyway, I am done with my rant. I am hoping that things improve very soon.
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