So, I guess I could call this day 2 of this particular journey of the rest of my life, even though, as I made the point yesterday, EVERY day is the first day of the rest of our lives. Within the context of this renewed focus on moving forward in healthy ways, I will call this day 2.
Well, I am actually finishing this post on Day 3.
The hardest part about changing eating habits--or any habits for that matter--is the fact that habits are unconscious, we often are on automatic pilot, and so we make choices without realizing that we are. When I got in the car yesterday, there were a couple of skillets left in a little dish that Josiah had snacked on, and without thinking I just popped them in my mouth. When trying to change my eating lifestyle, to reduce my intake of processed food and refined sugars, it was definitely NOT on the menu. What has surprised me most is how often I have caught myself doing the same thing over the past few days--
-pouring a bowl of Apple Jacks for Jos and almost sampling a spoonful
-setting out snack of goldfish crackers and almost popping a few in my mouth
-getting a cup of juice for Gonz and taking a few sips
-searching around the kitchen for a healthy snack and almost grabbing a couple of saltines from the counter as I was searching
All of these little unconscious eating habits that are not even part of what I would have looked at in the scheme of "what did I eat today" because they were not on my radar, they were just a taste here and a taste there while I did other things. I am sure, given the current awareness of it, that it added many calories and sugars to my day.
As I focus again on transforming my life through habit change, I am becoming more aware that my default, habitual thought patterns have gravitated towards more negative veins than positive. So, it is time for an attitude shift as well as a nutrition shift...
Well, now for a recap of day 2:
My DAILY goals:
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
--Day 2 total 1721 calories
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
--Day 2 total 104oz water
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
--Day 2 total 129 grams carbohydrate
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
--Day 2 total 27 grams fiber
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 25% from vegetable protein)
-- Day 2 total 79 grams protein, 24% from plant sources
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
--Day 2 total 103 grams fat, 45 of which were saturated--all from animal base sat fat
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
--Day 2 total zero grams
-Eat at least 7 servings of vegetables(2 servings of Leafy Greens) per day
--Day 2 total 6 servings of veggies, of which 2 leafy greens
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
--Day 2 still trying to figure out how much was in the processed foods I ate.
-Eliminate wheat and wheat based ingredients
--Day 2 --no wheat that I am aware of
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
--Day 2 did not walk
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
--Day 2 meditated on William Linville's Awaken to your True Purpose through Healing with Masters, a one hour audio program
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Day 1 recap
So yesterday I did a somewhat sloppy start to keeping near the general guidelines I had set out for myself in my preparation post (the more in depth rational for which can be found in through a variety of previous posts, too many to link to).
My DAILY goals:
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
--Day 1 total 1990 calories
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
--Day 1 total 76oz water
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
--Day 1 total 131 grams carbohydrate
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
--Day 1 total 24 grams fiber
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 25% from vegetable protein)
-- Day 1 total 131 grams protein, 16% from plant sources
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
--Day 1 total 109 grams fat, 45 of which were saturated--all from animal base sat fat
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
--Day 1 total zero grams
-Eat at least 7 servings of vegetables(2 servings of Leafy Greens) per day
--Day 1 total 8 servings of veggies, no leafy greens
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
--Day 1 still trying to figure out how much was in the processed foods I ate.
-Eliminate wheat and wheat based ingredients
--Day 1 the only wheat base was on the onion rings breading
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
--Day 1 did not walk
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
--Day 1 meditated using Mary Hall's Accessing Your Divine Message through Healing with Masters, a one hour audio program
My DAILY goals:
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
--Day 1 total 1990 calories
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
--Day 1 total 76oz water
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
--Day 1 total 131 grams carbohydrate
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
--Day 1 total 24 grams fiber
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 25% from vegetable protein)
-- Day 1 total 131 grams protein, 16% from plant sources
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
--Day 1 total 109 grams fat, 45 of which were saturated--all from animal base sat fat
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
--Day 1 total zero grams
-Eat at least 7 servings of vegetables(2 servings of Leafy Greens) per day
--Day 1 total 8 servings of veggies, no leafy greens
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
--Day 1 still trying to figure out how much was in the processed foods I ate.
-Eliminate wheat and wheat based ingredients
--Day 1 the only wheat base was on the onion rings breading
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
--Day 1 did not walk
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
--Day 1 meditated using Mary Hall's Accessing Your Divine Message through Healing with Masters, a one hour audio program
Monday, June 4, 2012
Okay...the first day of the rest of my life
I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time. You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life". OH...I have added a page to this blog that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).
I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:
1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle. It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief. I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind). I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is). I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return. Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge. I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life. For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.
2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace.
3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled. So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.
4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.
5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear. It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart. So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings. i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life. Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.
I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:
1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle. It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief. I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind). I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is). I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return. Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge. I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life. For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.
2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace.
3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled. So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.
4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.
5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear. It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart. So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings. i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life. Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Starting Monday
Okay...As things with the house wind down to a steady pace of projects, unpacking, and setting up (instead of the frenzied, insane, all consuming pace that it has been over the past couple of months), I have turned back to looking at the other areas of my life that need to move forward in their transformation.
So I have stocked my fridge and cupboard with correct food, and have been working on preparing mentally and physically for the shift I need to make in continuing to work on my health. I have lost another few pounds over the past couple of months even though I have not had much focus on good eating habits. I think the physical labor of the house helped a great deal.
Anyway...so going back to prepping for a new start of the weigh loss and physical health focus starting Monday. So I have been doing reading and research for inspiration (I already am solid on the life style choices I need to make, I just stretch time by finding more inspiration to make the changes I need to make.)
So I have been reading the emails from Blobmosis through his 28 day 10% total body weight loss, enjoyed reading the weight loss journal of musicpisces.
I have also been re watching some favorite documentaries:
--Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead
--Food, Inc.
--Forks Over Knives
--Foodmatters
--Fat Head
I am revitalizing the list of basic guidelines that I posted on here on 8/9/2011:
With a couple of revisions--I am going to go zero wheat (not gluten free necessarily). I have just been trying to observe my body's reactions to certain foods, and I have had this problem on and off for a while, where I will suddenly be exhausted and have to lie down for like 15 minutes. So I have been trying to be aware of what precedes these times--is it only after I have had a short night of sleep? Is it a certain food, or a certain activity? I have noticed that it is usually about 15-30 minutes after I eat a meal that is heavy on wheat--Like a bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast, or a plate of whole whet pasta for dinner. So I want to try a month of wheat free eating and see if I have any more issues with the sudden, short lived exhaustion times.
As planned, and what I have been slowly transitioning to in general is a drastic reduction in processed foods. I am hoping to get more of the dyed foods away from the kids as time goes on--like the sweet cereals and such which are so brightly colored with artificial dyes. I am cutting processed foods, like ready to eat cereal, out of my diet. I am hoping to eventually move that over tot he kids eating habits too.
So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to no more than 2 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...
So I have stocked my fridge and cupboard with correct food, and have been working on preparing mentally and physically for the shift I need to make in continuing to work on my health. I have lost another few pounds over the past couple of months even though I have not had much focus on good eating habits. I think the physical labor of the house helped a great deal.
Anyway...so going back to prepping for a new start of the weigh loss and physical health focus starting Monday. So I have been doing reading and research for inspiration (I already am solid on the life style choices I need to make, I just stretch time by finding more inspiration to make the changes I need to make.)
So I have been reading the emails from Blobmosis through his 28 day 10% total body weight loss, enjoyed reading the weight loss journal of musicpisces.
I have also been re watching some favorite documentaries:
--Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead
--Food, Inc.
--Forks Over Knives
--Foodmatters
--Fat Head
I am revitalizing the list of basic guidelines that I posted on here on 8/9/2011:
With a couple of revisions--I am going to go zero wheat (not gluten free necessarily). I have just been trying to observe my body's reactions to certain foods, and I have had this problem on and off for a while, where I will suddenly be exhausted and have to lie down for like 15 minutes. So I have been trying to be aware of what precedes these times--is it only after I have had a short night of sleep? Is it a certain food, or a certain activity? I have noticed that it is usually about 15-30 minutes after I eat a meal that is heavy on wheat--Like a bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast, or a plate of whole whet pasta for dinner. So I want to try a month of wheat free eating and see if I have any more issues with the sudden, short lived exhaustion times.
As planned, and what I have been slowly transitioning to in general is a drastic reduction in processed foods. I am hoping to get more of the dyed foods away from the kids as time goes on--like the sweet cereals and such which are so brightly colored with artificial dyes. I am cutting processed foods, like ready to eat cereal, out of my diet. I am hoping to eventually move that over tot he kids eating habits too.
So these are my goals (rules) to live by for a healthier, better life (assumes 4 meals/day B, L, D, S=28m/w):
-Eat 2000 calories a day or less
-Drink at least 100oz of water every day
-Eat 120 grams of carbohydrate or less per day (as per diabetes educator rec), at least 1/4 of which are from fresh veggies
-Eat 35 grams of fiber or more a day
-Eat 120 grams of protein or more per day (at least 1/4 from vegetable protein)
-Eat 80 grams of fat or more per day (at least 10g from saturated medium chain veg fat (yes saturated, yes from plants))
-Eat at least 3 grams of Spirulina per day (max 20 grams)
-Eat at least 2 servings of Leafy Greens per day (can be in a smoothie)
-Eat Legumes at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Fish at least 3 meals a week
-Eat Oatmeal at least 5 meals a week
-Eat Eggs at least 3 meals a week
-Reduce refined sugar intake to less than 30 grams/day (incl. table sugar, candy, and sugars IN foods)
-Reduce ALL commercially processed foods to no more than 2 meals a week (incl. RTE cereal, box food, sausage and other processed meats, etc...)
-Walk at least 1.5 mile per day at least 5 days per week
-Add in Strength or tension training for muscles 3 times a week
-Meditate and/or pray for 20 or more minutes a day (can be broken down into 5 min segments)
-6 "Free Pass" days a year where anything, any food, any calories, anything goes...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Labels on posts *updated*
Hi all--I hope this warm,muggy, and somewhat amazing thunderstormy day finds you well.
I wanted to let you know that I went through and have added tags to the posts (over 150 posts already--wow). So if you are looking for a particular topic or subject, you can search by tags, rather than have to search through my not-very-informative post titles. It is not a perfect system, I am sure I missed some, or mislabeled others, but it is better than it was.
*update*--I have added a widget to the side bar which lists the labels that can be clicked on to give specific topics. It is below the archives list.
Have a great day and I'll post again soon--it has been a few busy weeks, and we have a few more busy weeks coming up. I hope we can squeeze in a coupel more canoe days,a s the kids really had fun this weekend and so did I.
I wanted to let you know that I went through and have added tags to the posts (over 150 posts already--wow). So if you are looking for a particular topic or subject, you can search by tags, rather than have to search through my not-very-informative post titles. It is not a perfect system, I am sure I missed some, or mislabeled others, but it is better than it was.
*update*--I have added a widget to the side bar which lists the labels that can be clicked on to give specific topics. It is below the archives list.
Have a great day and I'll post again soon--it has been a few busy weeks, and we have a few more busy weeks coming up. I hope we can squeeze in a coupel more canoe days,a s the kids really had fun this weekend and so did I.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Memorial and Remembrance--Thoughts on Death
With it being Memorial Day--a Day to remember those who were lost defending this country's way of life--I am reminded that there are many others that we remember. Memorial day is a very poignant weekend regarding death due to a death that occurred a few years ago.
My dear mother-in-law (mil) passed away on Memorial Day in 2009, and while it was not the beginning of the end of our nuclear family's stability (as that demise had already begun about 10 months before that when A found the bottle again after years of sobriety), it was a huge turning point in A's life--which being my spouse and the other parent of my children, meant it was also a huge turning point in our lives. Cleta (my mil) was an amazing woman--beautiful, giving, caring, stubborn, strong willed, and strong. Her passing to the next phase of life was sad for those left behind, but she left a legacy with her children and her grandchildren, her love to them and through them carried her spirit on ward. Grief and mourning are a part of life, as the passing of a great lady reminded me.
I have had a great deal of difficulty understanding A's reaction to death--not that I expect it to be the same as mine, and obviously as it was a parent who passed, the grief is much deeper, and loss felt much more keenly--there is no return from it, only a moving forward to find a new normal for life to stabilize to. I will not go into everything, or really anything more about A's reactions and such, as they belong to A, not to me. (though I will mention with joy that A has decided to go to rehab (as detox just isn't sticking for more than few days) and will be entering a program next week in an effort to work through a variety of issues--And best case scenario is that she will find healing, and come out able to rebuild a life in a nearby city, and be able to be a solid, nurturing, part-time parent to our children. Minimum desire on my part, that she will find healing and be able to build a new life.--sorry long tangent)
But I have reflected often on my views of death since then, and am finding that I do not view death the same way that many people do. For one, I do not believe death is the end--it is AN ending, but much like the ending of one book in a long series, just as birth is not THE beginning, but a beginning. I believe that I existed LONG before this particular incarnation of me arrived on this planet in 1974, and I will exist long, long after this body has returned to dust (and with modern preservation that is a long time). I believe that people's spirits are connected, in non-corporeal ways, and (well I will not go into all of it) but I believe that "soul mates" are really just old friends finding each other again in this incarnation, because on a spiritual level, they are still connected. So when you meet someone, and feel that instant connection, it is because on a deeper, non-physical plane--you already ARE connected. And I am not talking about romance either, a soul mate can be your best friend. On a spiritual level you attract each other like magnets. Oh--that is actually a whole different topic--very closely related though.
When someone we love dies--we don't lose them, they are still with us--not in some "they taught you and you carry their memories and love with you" kind of way--though that is also true--but they are still as close as they always have been--time out of mind. Our spirits are still intertwined and on that level, there is no loss. Yes, grieve that you can not hug them or call them on the phone, or have a corporeal relationship with them any longer--yes that is hard, that does make you cry, it makes me cry--I LOVE hugs. But it is not the end, they are not gone anymore than I will be gone when this body gives out eventually (when I am around 97 years old--I've decided that would be a good age to live to). Death is not the end--even though the loss of a dearly beloved may bring us to our knees and wrench a bottomless scream from your throat, even though the overwhelming sadness that comes with knowing that this you will never again be able to hug that them again or hear that voice, even though the idea of living life with a hole that can never be filled but just has to be gotten used to seems impossible--the fact is, if you are tightly twined together in this world, in this life, your spirits are intertwined in eternity, and you will meet each other again and again, in various ways and various relationships.
Death is hard...loss is hard...but remembering that it is NOT the end makes it a little easier. I do not fear my own death...I do not fear the death of loved one...I know that anyone I love who passes will be painful for me and all that love that person. I know that it will take time to grieve, time to heal, and time to find a new normal. I know that everyone's time is different, everyone's grief is different...But I also know that in the end--there is no end!
My dear mother-in-law (mil) passed away on Memorial Day in 2009, and while it was not the beginning of the end of our nuclear family's stability (as that demise had already begun about 10 months before that when A found the bottle again after years of sobriety), it was a huge turning point in A's life--which being my spouse and the other parent of my children, meant it was also a huge turning point in our lives. Cleta (my mil) was an amazing woman--beautiful, giving, caring, stubborn, strong willed, and strong. Her passing to the next phase of life was sad for those left behind, but she left a legacy with her children and her grandchildren, her love to them and through them carried her spirit on ward. Grief and mourning are a part of life, as the passing of a great lady reminded me.
I have had a great deal of difficulty understanding A's reaction to death--not that I expect it to be the same as mine, and obviously as it was a parent who passed, the grief is much deeper, and loss felt much more keenly--there is no return from it, only a moving forward to find a new normal for life to stabilize to. I will not go into everything, or really anything more about A's reactions and such, as they belong to A, not to me. (though I will mention with joy that A has decided to go to rehab (as detox just isn't sticking for more than few days) and will be entering a program next week in an effort to work through a variety of issues--And best case scenario is that she will find healing, and come out able to rebuild a life in a nearby city, and be able to be a solid, nurturing, part-time parent to our children. Minimum desire on my part, that she will find healing and be able to build a new life.--sorry long tangent)
But I have reflected often on my views of death since then, and am finding that I do not view death the same way that many people do. For one, I do not believe death is the end--it is AN ending, but much like the ending of one book in a long series, just as birth is not THE beginning, but a beginning. I believe that I existed LONG before this particular incarnation of me arrived on this planet in 1974, and I will exist long, long after this body has returned to dust (and with modern preservation that is a long time). I believe that people's spirits are connected, in non-corporeal ways, and (well I will not go into all of it) but I believe that "soul mates" are really just old friends finding each other again in this incarnation, because on a spiritual level, they are still connected. So when you meet someone, and feel that instant connection, it is because on a deeper, non-physical plane--you already ARE connected. And I am not talking about romance either, a soul mate can be your best friend. On a spiritual level you attract each other like magnets. Oh--that is actually a whole different topic--very closely related though.
When someone we love dies--we don't lose them, they are still with us--not in some "they taught you and you carry their memories and love with you" kind of way--though that is also true--but they are still as close as they always have been--time out of mind. Our spirits are still intertwined and on that level, there is no loss. Yes, grieve that you can not hug them or call them on the phone, or have a corporeal relationship with them any longer--yes that is hard, that does make you cry, it makes me cry--I LOVE hugs. But it is not the end, they are not gone anymore than I will be gone when this body gives out eventually (when I am around 97 years old--I've decided that would be a good age to live to). Death is not the end--even though the loss of a dearly beloved may bring us to our knees and wrench a bottomless scream from your throat, even though the overwhelming sadness that comes with knowing that this you will never again be able to hug that them again or hear that voice, even though the idea of living life with a hole that can never be filled but just has to be gotten used to seems impossible--the fact is, if you are tightly twined together in this world, in this life, your spirits are intertwined in eternity, and you will meet each other again and again, in various ways and various relationships.
Death is hard...loss is hard...but remembering that it is NOT the end makes it a little easier. I do not fear my own death...I do not fear the death of loved one...I know that anyone I love who passes will be painful for me and all that love that person. I know that it will take time to grieve, time to heal, and time to find a new normal. I know that everyone's time is different, everyone's grief is different...But I also know that in the end--there is no end!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Super quick post
Here is a rarity--a super quick post, just to touch base.
Life is busy--house move in and completion coming along--more on that later this weekend.
Today--I am heading out momentarily to take the boys canoeing (will post pictures afterwards if the camera works), then to Mom's house for a BBQ in the evening.
I hope everyone is enjoying their freedom and families and friends on this Memorial Day weekend, and remember to take time to thank the soldiers, thinkers, philosophers, politicians, and WE the People who have created, developed, protected, and created the freedom we enjoy in our country--and continue to work towards greater equality, freedom, and liberty for ALL Americans and those who love our way of life and wish to immigrate here (through proper channels...after all the vast majority of us are the descendants of immigrants).
Life is busy--house move in and completion coming along--more on that later this weekend.
Today--I am heading out momentarily to take the boys canoeing (will post pictures afterwards if the camera works), then to Mom's house for a BBQ in the evening.
I hope everyone is enjoying their freedom and families and friends on this Memorial Day weekend, and remember to take time to thank the soldiers, thinkers, philosophers, politicians, and WE the People who have created, developed, protected, and created the freedom we enjoy in our country--and continue to work towards greater equality, freedom, and liberty for ALL Americans and those who love our way of life and wish to immigrate here (through proper channels...after all the vast majority of us are the descendants of immigrants).
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