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Monday, June 4, 2012

Okay...the first day of the rest of my life

I know, EVERYDAY is the first day of the rest of our lives, but it is still good to remind ourselves of it from time to time.  You can always reset to a "first day of the rest of your life".  OH...I have added a page to this blog  that I will use exclusively for food tracking, in case anyone wants to follow my eating habits in the event that this new endeavor to change my eating lifestyle proves to be wildly successful--click on the "Food Tracking" tab near the top of the page).

I am feeling freer today than I have in a long time...that is due to a number of things:

1) --A is entering rehab today for 28 days, and then on to a halfway house program for six months, and hopefully will find the help and strength to live a sober and responsible and HAPPIER lifestyle.  It also gives me a reprieve for the week as A can not have phone privileges for a week, so it will be a week without having to actually deal with A--which is a relief.  I still have to deal with A's apartment which needs to be packed up and put into storage and then cleaned, and A's car and bill payments, and all of that--(honestly you wouldn't know that I left A over 2 years ago, as I am still always picking up the pieces that A leaves behind).  I know it sounds awful that I find great relief in knowing that I have a solid seven days without contact from A, and I am VERY happy FOR A at this step in a right direction, as A needs to be able to see the competent, capable, amazing person that she can be, AND I need my space, space to be who I am, space to live a life free from unnecessary stress (there is enough stress that is just inherent in living my life as it is).  I know there have been times A's sister has asked me if I will ever get back together with A, and the answer is no, even if A gets sober, and stable, and goes on to have a wonderful life, my time as A's spouse will not return.  Too much water has gone under that bridge--enough of a torrent that the bridge has completely washed out and I will not rebuild that bridge.  I will be A's friend, and do what I can to help A to grow and mature, and for the kids to be able to have both of their parents in their lives, and hopefully A will be able to stand alone one day and see the first day of the rest of life.  For me, A being in rehab gives me the chance to finally breathe and awake again to the rest of my life.

2) --The carpet is being laid down in the other half of my house today, which means that sometime this week (after it dries as it will be cleaned after being laid down, being used carpet), I will be able to start setting up the main day care area, and my dining room, and I will be ready to start setting up a make shift pantry (as we have not built one yet, but I needed to wait until O could move things before I could really even try to set up a makeshift pantry, as I do not want to unpack and repack and unpack again multiple times, twice is enough...So the prospect of being able to bring the house to a point of "complete' (even if there are still ongoing projects to make it exactly what I want), brings me much joy and peace. 

3) --I have managed to get all the kids doctors appointment scheduled with various specialist, some which I had missed and needed to rescheduled.  So I will be catching up on specialist appointments and making sure that the kids health and medical needs are all being met.

4) --Knowing that I am starting on a new round of improving my health and my life in a focused and concentrated way gives me a renewed sense of peace, joy, and openness to the many blessings that I have in my life, some of which I have not focused enough on in recent months.

5) --I am making the choice, day by day, moment by moment, to choose to feel better--to think better feeling thoughts, to focus on better feeling things, and to choose happiness over despair, joy over sorrow, and hope over fear.  It is a conscious choice to see the good in life and not focus solely on the bad--yes the bad has to be managed and dealt with, but it does not have to be the focus on my life, my mind, or my heart.  So today, I am remembering to focus on that which is good, that for which I am grateful, and to just roll with what life brings.  i am where I am for a number of reasons, and from here, and only from here, can I start a new chapter in my life.  Which reminds me, I think it is time to get out Pema Chodron's book Start Where You Are: A guide to Compassionate Living and reread that, as it is a very good book with wonderful guidance on moving forward to become who I really AM.

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