So, a very dear friend of mine is going through a difficult time right now. She is my best friend in fact and we have known each other since we were freshmen in college a mere 19 years ago. I was maid of honor at her wedding 15 years ago, she was matron of honor at my ceremony 7 years ago, we have been through thick and thin together, and have been anchors in each others lives for these long years, whether we lived in the same house, in the next town over, or over 250 miles apart. She is going through the breakdown of her marriage, and this past weekend was moving from the apartment she and her husband have shared for 6 years to move into the little one bedroom in-law apartment in her parents basement. This, as you can imagine is a very hard move, as the processes involved in the ending of a marriage are all very painful and require a lot of changes, both inside and outside of a person. So, I really wanted to be there to support her in this move and help her move both her possessions and her emotions into this new situation.
However I did not think it would be possible, as taking the kids with me would not be helpful to anyone, even if they were neuro-typical children, small children visiting from 6 hours away is just not going to help with the physical act of moving or with the emotional transitions taking place. And with the difficulties between A and I last week, A had said NO to watching the kids so that I could go do that (originally A had said yes, but then all hell broke loose when I made the decision to say what I said and A backed out). Then at the last minute on Friday late morning, A agreed to keep the kids and stay at my house with them for the weekend so that I could go help my friend. This was difficult as A really has not had the kids solo very much in the past 9 months, and for a solid 48 hours at that. But I was glad that A was ready to have some one-on-two alone time with the boys, as that is important for their relationship to not always have mama there.
So, as I had not prepared for the trip and was in GF waiting for the boys to be done with school, I cleaned the car out at the car wash (vacuumed and wiped down the inside (a stick mess it was, and more cereal in all the nooks and crannies than I can to admit)), got the oil changed (and they discovered an old squirrels nest in the air filter system, so I had them change both air filters (engine and cabin)), got a free car wash (part of the oil change package--yeah Jiffy Lube and Hoffman's), and then picked up the boys. It meant driving an hour in the "wrong" direction to take them home, got them settled, packed my car, made my green smoothies for the ride, made a sandwich, waited for A to be ready (A had errands to run too and forgot to get cigs, so ran out at the last minute to get cigs--I'm so glad I quit smoking so many years ago), and finally at about 5:45pm, unbeknownst to my dear friend, I hit the road for the Boston area. By the time it was around 10:00pm, I figured I should call my friend and let her know I was coming. She did not answer so I just left a message telling her to call me on my cell phone (which means I was not within 30 minutes of home as I live in an area where cell phones don't work anywhere nearby). So as I am getting off the exit that is only 5 minutes from her house (around 11:00pm) she returns my call and asks me where on earth I am that I am on the cell. So I tell her the exit I am getting off. What a GREAT reaction I got!!! There is nothing like surprising a friend with your presence.
The move went well, and I actually had the foresight to call another friend of mine from college on Friday when I found out I was going to come, and let her know, as nearly every time I have been in the area she has been out of the area (oddly three times when I was within 30 minutes of her house, she was within 30 minutes of mine--6 hours away). So I had left her a message telling her about the move, and she was able to come up and help with the move and spend some time with us. It was the third time I have seen her in 7 years, so it was wonderful to catch up with her and for both of us to help my dear friend.
On Sunday, my friend that I was visiting had to work in the morning instead of her normal routine of going to church (her farm (she is a therapeutic (and regular) riding instructor) had a horse show and some of her students were in it). Her mother invited me to attend church with her, but I decided that it would be an opportune time to go to services at my old church, where I had attended when I was in college, as it was only a couple of towns over. I am so blessed to have been able to do that. I did get lost on the way there as in the years since leaving the area (11 years ago) I somehow forgot exactly how to get there from where I was. So I missed the Sunday school, as I drove over to my Alma mater, and backtracked from there without any problems. I arrived early for service and was able to chat with an older gentleman (83 years old now) who had worked at my college and attended this same church when I was there, and so it was great to talkand catch up with him for a bit as I was early for services. I connected with a couple of other familiar faces during the pre-service time, and was keeping an eye out for one particular couple whom are very near and dear to my heart, that I have not actually seen face to face in over 8 years. I have kept in touch via email, phone and more recently facebook, but not had in presence time with either of them in a LONG time. I knew that he was working at the church as the Director of Children's Ministries, so I figured I was bound to find them. After service, I walked around a bit looking for them (the church has grown from a single church building with a parsonage next door to having multiple buildings, and unbeknownst to me, multiple services at the same time). As I came around a corner, I saw him come out of a door. What a huge blessing it was to greet him and give him a big hug (and say hello to their daughter who is now 10!). He asked if I had seen his wife yet (she and I had many classes and many late nights studying together, as well as a lot of fun times, and I am closer to her than to him, though have known him and cherished him almost as long as I have known and cherished her), and I told him no, so he led me into the other building where she was. And I got to have the great experience again of the reaction of surprising an old friend with my presence!!!
We had an amazing time reconnecting. They invited me over for lunch, and even though I really was supposed to be leaving to get back home after church, after we stood there for an hour chatting I decided to accept their invite. It was absolutely marvelous seeing their home, meeting their new little one who is only 6 months old, re-meeting their oldest who is now 10 and I haven't seen since she was 2, and really talking with them about life and what they have been up to and what I have been up to and all that. Time of course went way too quickly, and soon it was far past the time that I should have been gone, so I did have to leave. I am hoping that next month (or rather this month I guess as it is August already isn't it!?!) I can get out there again with the boys this time, after their summer program ends and before the regular school year begins. Maybe we can go out to the area and camp near the ocean and enjoy a vacation with some more time with old friends stopping by (oddly I did not get the chance to greet my beloved ocean, I was just a couple of miles too far inland, but I was happier to see my human friends than to greet the great sea this time around, though I do miss the ocean).
Anyway, A was not horribly upset by my later than planned arrival (of course I called after church to let A know I had run into old friends and would be later than planned, and then called after I was on the road as it was even later than the later I thought it would be.) As it was after 11pm when I arrived home, the kids were well into their slumber. I had talked to them on the phone before they went to bed and let them know I would kiss them both when they were sleeping as I would be home in the middle of the night. They did wake up around 4am, and I tucked them in bed again, so that worked. Then we were up at 6am (well 6:30 I was slow to rise this morning) and got them ready and we drove down for school (just a little late getting there). I spent some time at the laundry mat and now I am at the library.
I feel refreshed and renewed, not only by the kid-free weekend (don't all parents need that once in a while!?), but more so by the amazing joy that comes from reconnecting with old friends. I have not really realized it, but I am actually lonely much of the time--not that pining kind of lonely, but that deep, isolated feeling. And it is not that I do not have amazing friends, but it is that, as you can see from above, the past few years, I have not had a lot of real, close connections and time with friends. Part of that is just a natural artifact of raising children, some of it is more drastic than usual because of the isolating factor of raising children with special needs, and part of it is the slow erosion that took place during the harder years with A, which really pushed me further and further away from friends and family. So, it also does not help that many of my dearest friends live far away from where I am. Having moved 4 hours from the area I lived for nearly 10 years took me away from those friends, and the dear friends from college are spread out all over the country (many still in the greater Boston area (and all of New England)), but some in California, some in Indiana, some in Florida, some in Alaska...
While right now I know that I need to be near family and that the school situation for the boys is well set up for this year, I can't help toying with the idea (yet again) of moving back to the Boston area someday. But then I will have the problem that I always have--when I am living near the ocean, I miss the mountains, and when I live in the mountains I miss the ocean. There are more jobs in the greater Boston area than in the rural area I live, but there are also a LOT more people, and I love the peace, quiet and security of the rural mountain towns. I would be closer to friends--very dear friends, but father from family. I have gone round and round about this many, many times over the past few years. I am sure I will go round and round about it many more times. For now, I am staying where I am, working on getting my health back up to par, working on getting a solid base for my children in their schooling and social development, and working on transforming myself and my life into the person I want to be and the life I want to provide for my children, and if, in the future on or more of those steps brings me back to the Boston area--well then hooray!!! But until that would be a positive move for all areas of my life and development and the lives and development of my children, we will suffice with visiting there for now. I do plan to visit a LOT more often than we have been these past few years though.
So good friends and a weekend away is like a breathe of fresh air for the soul. And I look forward to having a few days on the ocean with the boys in August, and connecting again with those friends whom I have been away from for too long...
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Monday, August 1, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
seeking for calm...
So, Drama, drama, drama this week....I hate weeks like this, though it is my own fault. As with everything else in life, you may not mean for things to happen, but when you make certain decisions and open your mouth without thinking, you open the door for all sorts of things to happen. It is great when those things are life affirming and bring peace, prosperity, joy and faith. It is not so great when they bring drama, frustration, pain, and sadness. But, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I hopefully have learned to again be MORE careful with what I say and when I say it so that I do not inadvertently open a truck load of worms, and start a spiral of frustration, pain, and drama for myself, A, the kids, and everyone on the periphery.
Hopefully things have calmed down some today. I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation. It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?).
Stress increases my desire to eat. Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream). So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good. BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280. Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.
The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us. This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school. Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright. Gonzo has too. So for this I am grateful. I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions. And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too. I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see. So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like
"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry. Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been. We still both love you and we are still both here for you. And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can. So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy. Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now. And things will get better very soon."
Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard). But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.
Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend. I'll probably write again on Monday. Have a great weekend.
Hopefully things have calmed down some today. I have not been posting much about my food related path to a better life, as I have been dealing so much with this emotional and relationship related path that needs to be worked through on this road to transformation. It all needs to happen, but it could happen in a better way (maybe?).
Stress increases my desire to eat. Stress also increases my blood sugar (stress releases cortisol which in turn tells the body to release stored sugar into the blood stream). So eating more than I should of the wrong kinds of food coupled with the cortisol induced release of blood sugar and the fact that I forgot to take my second dose of metformin 2 days in a row (I got the morning dose, but not the evening dose), is just not good. BUT with all that, both of my readings the last tow days have managed to stay under 280. Not great I know (the one I just took was 263), but they are under 300, which was my main goal this week.
The kids had one rough day, but we managed to keep the tension in the house down to somewhat reasonable levels even with all the turmoil between A and I, and the kids behavior and emotional responses tell me that we were mostly successful in not drawing the kids into the stress and turmoil between us. This may sound like a strange thing to be saying, but kids are greatly affected by the stresses between parents, and I have seen how drastically it alters their sense of emotional security, and thus their outward behaviour both at home and at school. Josiah, who is extremely empathetic and picks up emotions like a magnet attracts iron has been doing alright. Gonzo has too. So for this I am grateful. I also try to be open with the kids and explain to them what is going on so they are wondering and scared when they sense tension or negative emotions. And THAT has gone a long way to helping them feel more secure and be willing to talk about their feelings too. I know from experience that when you KNOW something is not right as a child and a grown up tells it that everything is fine and not to worry about it, you can't help but worry and wonder and make up things in your mind to explain what you see. So, instead of going the route many people take of just reassuring kids that everything is fine, I actual tell my kids things like
"I know it feels a little upsetting right now, we (meaning the parents) are discussing some things that make up both feel upset/sad/angry. Bubba (what they call A--long story) is sad and angry because I said I did not want to be married anymore but I still love Bubba as my friend and we are still all a family, we will just keep living in two different places like we have been. We still both love you and we are still both here for you. And yes, sometimes we disagree about things and we have to work out how to share our time with you, because we both want to be with both of you as much as we can. So we have to work on finding the best way to share and make our family work so everyone is safe, loved, and happy. Everything is okay, even if it feel really hard right now. And things will get better very soon."
Maybe I am too upfront with my kids and give them a touch too much information, but I find it helps the kids calm down to know the very basic gist of what is going on, and it gives them the chance to ask questions (which are sometimes hard to answer and sometimes not so hard). But overall, I see them be more calm and at peace knowing a little bit about what is going on, and feeling more reassured because of it.
Well, I have to go pick up J from school and then get G and then get home and I have a bunch of stuff I am doing this weekend. I'll probably write again on Monday. Have a great weekend.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Truth may set you free, but it can be very painful...
It is said that "the truth will set you free", and even though it took me a long time to really accept the truth, and I knew immediately that I had to speak the truth even if it seemed abrupt and "out of the blue", I knew that living with the truth unspoken once realized would be wrong. But free or not, truth sometimes makes life a lot more painful and a LOT more stressful for a while--I suppose its the adjustment period after have a profound deep realization of a truth. I can't live a lie and I will not give false hope to anyone when I know the truth, so that they too can move forward.
You may be wondering what I am talking about...well in my earlier post form earlier this week I spoke of the realization that I had that I am no longer in love with my separated spouse. We have been separated for almost 15 months now, but I left for a multitude of reasons, and not being "in love" was not one of them. Throughout this whole ordeal (beginning in 2008, about 20 months before I left) I have felt a lot of emotions that have gotten in the way of that "in love" emotive suite, but always knew that deep down underneath--below the pain and anger, the resentment and powerlessness, the worry and incredulity--that there was still that spark, still the yearning to be together, to rekindle the flame of love, to be in a spousal relationship, to know that after all that we have gone through both together and apart, that there is still that connection that drew us together into a relationship deeper and more profound than friendship. Even as I spent time saying there was no chance we could get back together, I could never bring myself to say with certainty that there was no chance, because I believed that underneath my anger and pain, that the spark was still there.
A few months ago it had gotten back to me that someone had said I was leading A along with false hope (even though I had explicitly said I did NOT want to get back together). A part of me still held out a little bit of hope that things would come full circle and we could rebuild (or rather build anew) our full family structure together. As I was not sure how long that would take, we really have been focusing on building a solid, secure friendship in which we bring mutual respect and care to that table as we co-parent our children while not together. IT has been a good experience. We have been able to enjoy each other's company, spend time together as a family, and have good conversation. We really have been successful in building a friendship. And A has the freedom to drink, spend money, make decisions, and do whatever without me interfering. AND I have the freedom to NOT stress about A's drinking (which has been in moderation lately--a new and exciting step for A--which I can celebrate rather than get angry at), and to make my own choices, and live my own life too. Things that have annoyed or bothered me, I can just ignore and let go. I am not living with A, I am not "with" A, and so choices that I would not want for MY life, can just be let go because A's life is not my life. This has greatly reduced tension between us. I know what I can and cannot live with and A knows what A can and cannot live with. And living separately, we don't end up forcing the other person to live in a situation that is unsafe or unacceptable for them. I don't nag A and try to control A's life (though somehow I am still doing all the laundry (A's included) and making sure the car insurance is up to date even though my name is no longer on it). And A can drink and do whatever A wants without worrying about someone harping on it. There is obviously a lot more than that, but why go into it all. Suffice to say, it is better to be friends with A and live our separate lives, than to be together and both be miserable and feel unsafe and disrespected in our daily lives.
But over the past few weeks, I have really been looking at what it would be like to try to get back together with A. A part of me hates the idea of our family being separated forever. I WANT that old feeling of being excited that A is coming home. I WANT that feeling or wanting to be close and be a together family again. I WANT to look at our wedding album and read the song my mom wrote for us or the plaque my friend Nykie made for us, and be able to say "we made it through that huge crater in the road". I WANT to wake up and have my spouse sleeping next to me. I WANT to have a home where we both are and the kids can just have one place to lay their heads (technically they do now as A comes to my house to see the kids, but that's another thing). I WANT to be able to plan for the future as a family and be able to discuss all of those decisions that you have to make in life. I WANT to have a partner to walk through life with, to share the big things and the little things, to support each other through both good and bad times. I WANT the Charles and Caroline Ingalls kind of love, respect, and devotion. I want the Cliff and Claire Huxtable kind of humor-filled, love-filled, respect filled home. I want to be that family that through thick and thin, no matter what, that pulls together, works together, and has the love and respect for each other that keeps them together for 50 years. I WANT to do the hard work that really making a marriage last takes. I WANT an equal partner that brings half of the strength, joy, and ideas, and carries half of the burden of building, and maintaining, the needs of the family, and of the relationship. I WANT to have that spark that never dies even in the most trying times.
I also WANT to win a million dollars. I WANT to go back to school and finish my PhD someday. I WANT to have a nice house in the country. I WANT my children to be healthy and free of their special needs. I WANT to have a bunch of chickens. I WANT to have a thin and healthy body. I WANT to have a mini-van. I WANT to have a dog that does not bring home fleas. I WANT to always have enough. I WANT to live to be 97. I WANT to have the US economy fixed overnight. I WANT to a world without war. I WANT a lot of different things--some of which I can take steps and actions towards making them real in my life, and some of which I have no real control over. In order for a relationship to be what I envision, I need to have someone on the other end of the relationship sharing that vision and working towards it as I work towards it. That is one of those things about relationship, both people have to be moving in relatively the same direction with relatively the same goal, and with comparable levels of motivation and determination. Unlike some other goals, relationship is the only one that absolutely requires the other person to be on the same page.
The other night A and I tried to get share something we have not shared since before our separation. I was up half the night after that with this sense that something was terribly wrong. We had been getting along really well. We had been talking about building this camping area t my Dad's together, we had been doing a lot of family things together, we had been talking about how not having to stress about certain issues that were difficult in the past was great, and we seemed to be moving forward in some ways. Yes there were things there are obviously still not right, and there was no way that we are in a place that we would want to be together again as a couple yet, but things were calm and enjoyable between us. We have both changed in a lot of ways, and are kind of relearning who we are for ourselves and who each other are (poor grammatical syntax, I know). But after I spent a lot of time looking deeply at what I was feeling and thinking, that it finally dawned on me what was missing, what was wrong. That spark that I figured was just buried under all the hurt and anger and resentment, that spark that is really necessary to provide the motivation to do the monumental amount of hard work to rebuild a broken and painful relationship, that spark that makes you want to do whatever it takes to find the path back...that spark for me was gone. IT was not just buried, it was not just crushed under all the crap that we had piled on top of it, it was not just flickering and needing fuel, it was gone. I was not "in love" with A. I was not attracted to A. The desire to work towards what I WANT was that I WANT the idea. But an idea can not sustain you. "OMG" I thought,"I really have been leading A on and giving false hope. " I have been lying to myself, I don't know for how long, but at least for a while. I have been telling myself that if I just worked hard enough to overcome my anger, my resentment, my pain at what has transpired, that we could make it work. But I have no desire to be in a marriage that has not got that deep sense of love, of attraction, of one-ness. And I have no intention of hiding my lack of feelings and letting A not move on to have the option of finding someone who is passionate about A.
Do I love A? Yes, of course. A is the other parent of my children, and has been becoming a good friend. I do have love in my heart for A, and hope that we can remain friends and remain able to continue to be good parents to our children. But I don't want to be with A, I don't want to be A's spouse. Through this whole thing, I have felt "I don't want to be with A right now" and had a laundry list of reasons why (some very good that anyone would understand and some nit-picky that only I would understand). But I always figured it was temporary. I realized the other day. That I don't want to be with A. Not in a "right now" sense, but in a "that's that" kind of sense.
I felt it was necessary to share this with A, and did not do a very good job of it. I don't want A to NOT move on emotionally. I want A to make that informed choice. I know that A still has that spark for me (even though I have heard "I hate you" out of A's mouth more often than I care to count over the past 3 years). I know that A wants to be with me. But we have both changed, and there are so many things that I am NOT willing to live with and that I will NOT have my children having to live with (some of which A agrees with me on, especially about the kids), that are still such a big part of who A is at the moment. And without that internal, driving emotive suite of feelings and reasons of WANTING to be with A, it seems futile and pointless for us to put our lives on hold any longer when I really, honestly and truly am done.
I am having a hard time trying to explain to A, heck I am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself in a way that makes the words make any sense. How do I explain the finality of the emotions that I am having verses the slight hope that used to be there. How can I say for certain that a spark could never grow again? How could i say that there really is no hope? I have used all of the words before that I use now, but it is what is behind them that is so different. Words are such a horribly limited way to communicate...to express the subtle differences that truly make a huge difference. I can't even find the words to explain it myself to my self, it is a knowing more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than anything easily subjective. It is a knowing.....
You may be wondering what I am talking about...well in my earlier post form earlier this week I spoke of the realization that I had that I am no longer in love with my separated spouse. We have been separated for almost 15 months now, but I left for a multitude of reasons, and not being "in love" was not one of them. Throughout this whole ordeal (beginning in 2008, about 20 months before I left) I have felt a lot of emotions that have gotten in the way of that "in love" emotive suite, but always knew that deep down underneath--below the pain and anger, the resentment and powerlessness, the worry and incredulity--that there was still that spark, still the yearning to be together, to rekindle the flame of love, to be in a spousal relationship, to know that after all that we have gone through both together and apart, that there is still that connection that drew us together into a relationship deeper and more profound than friendship. Even as I spent time saying there was no chance we could get back together, I could never bring myself to say with certainty that there was no chance, because I believed that underneath my anger and pain, that the spark was still there.
A few months ago it had gotten back to me that someone had said I was leading A along with false hope (even though I had explicitly said I did NOT want to get back together). A part of me still held out a little bit of hope that things would come full circle and we could rebuild (or rather build anew) our full family structure together. As I was not sure how long that would take, we really have been focusing on building a solid, secure friendship in which we bring mutual respect and care to that table as we co-parent our children while not together. IT has been a good experience. We have been able to enjoy each other's company, spend time together as a family, and have good conversation. We really have been successful in building a friendship. And A has the freedom to drink, spend money, make decisions, and do whatever without me interfering. AND I have the freedom to NOT stress about A's drinking (which has been in moderation lately--a new and exciting step for A--which I can celebrate rather than get angry at), and to make my own choices, and live my own life too. Things that have annoyed or bothered me, I can just ignore and let go. I am not living with A, I am not "with" A, and so choices that I would not want for MY life, can just be let go because A's life is not my life. This has greatly reduced tension between us. I know what I can and cannot live with and A knows what A can and cannot live with. And living separately, we don't end up forcing the other person to live in a situation that is unsafe or unacceptable for them. I don't nag A and try to control A's life (though somehow I am still doing all the laundry (A's included) and making sure the car insurance is up to date even though my name is no longer on it). And A can drink and do whatever A wants without worrying about someone harping on it. There is obviously a lot more than that, but why go into it all. Suffice to say, it is better to be friends with A and live our separate lives, than to be together and both be miserable and feel unsafe and disrespected in our daily lives.
But over the past few weeks, I have really been looking at what it would be like to try to get back together with A. A part of me hates the idea of our family being separated forever. I WANT that old feeling of being excited that A is coming home. I WANT that feeling or wanting to be close and be a together family again. I WANT to look at our wedding album and read the song my mom wrote for us or the plaque my friend Nykie made for us, and be able to say "we made it through that huge crater in the road". I WANT to wake up and have my spouse sleeping next to me. I WANT to have a home where we both are and the kids can just have one place to lay their heads (technically they do now as A comes to my house to see the kids, but that's another thing). I WANT to be able to plan for the future as a family and be able to discuss all of those decisions that you have to make in life. I WANT to have a partner to walk through life with, to share the big things and the little things, to support each other through both good and bad times. I WANT the Charles and Caroline Ingalls kind of love, respect, and devotion. I want the Cliff and Claire Huxtable kind of humor-filled, love-filled, respect filled home. I want to be that family that through thick and thin, no matter what, that pulls together, works together, and has the love and respect for each other that keeps them together for 50 years. I WANT to do the hard work that really making a marriage last takes. I WANT an equal partner that brings half of the strength, joy, and ideas, and carries half of the burden of building, and maintaining, the needs of the family, and of the relationship. I WANT to have that spark that never dies even in the most trying times.
I also WANT to win a million dollars. I WANT to go back to school and finish my PhD someday. I WANT to have a nice house in the country. I WANT my children to be healthy and free of their special needs. I WANT to have a bunch of chickens. I WANT to have a thin and healthy body. I WANT to have a mini-van. I WANT to have a dog that does not bring home fleas. I WANT to always have enough. I WANT to live to be 97. I WANT to have the US economy fixed overnight. I WANT to a world without war. I WANT a lot of different things--some of which I can take steps and actions towards making them real in my life, and some of which I have no real control over. In order for a relationship to be what I envision, I need to have someone on the other end of the relationship sharing that vision and working towards it as I work towards it. That is one of those things about relationship, both people have to be moving in relatively the same direction with relatively the same goal, and with comparable levels of motivation and determination. Unlike some other goals, relationship is the only one that absolutely requires the other person to be on the same page.
The other night A and I tried to get share something we have not shared since before our separation. I was up half the night after that with this sense that something was terribly wrong. We had been getting along really well. We had been talking about building this camping area t my Dad's together, we had been doing a lot of family things together, we had been talking about how not having to stress about certain issues that were difficult in the past was great, and we seemed to be moving forward in some ways. Yes there were things there are obviously still not right, and there was no way that we are in a place that we would want to be together again as a couple yet, but things were calm and enjoyable between us. We have both changed in a lot of ways, and are kind of relearning who we are for ourselves and who each other are (poor grammatical syntax, I know). But after I spent a lot of time looking deeply at what I was feeling and thinking, that it finally dawned on me what was missing, what was wrong. That spark that I figured was just buried under all the hurt and anger and resentment, that spark that is really necessary to provide the motivation to do the monumental amount of hard work to rebuild a broken and painful relationship, that spark that makes you want to do whatever it takes to find the path back...that spark for me was gone. IT was not just buried, it was not just crushed under all the crap that we had piled on top of it, it was not just flickering and needing fuel, it was gone. I was not "in love" with A. I was not attracted to A. The desire to work towards what I WANT was that I WANT the idea. But an idea can not sustain you. "OMG" I thought,"I really have been leading A on and giving false hope. " I have been lying to myself, I don't know for how long, but at least for a while. I have been telling myself that if I just worked hard enough to overcome my anger, my resentment, my pain at what has transpired, that we could make it work. But I have no desire to be in a marriage that has not got that deep sense of love, of attraction, of one-ness. And I have no intention of hiding my lack of feelings and letting A not move on to have the option of finding someone who is passionate about A.
Do I love A? Yes, of course. A is the other parent of my children, and has been becoming a good friend. I do have love in my heart for A, and hope that we can remain friends and remain able to continue to be good parents to our children. But I don't want to be with A, I don't want to be A's spouse. Through this whole thing, I have felt "I don't want to be with A right now" and had a laundry list of reasons why (some very good that anyone would understand and some nit-picky that only I would understand). But I always figured it was temporary. I realized the other day. That I don't want to be with A. Not in a "right now" sense, but in a "that's that" kind of sense.
I felt it was necessary to share this with A, and did not do a very good job of it. I don't want A to NOT move on emotionally. I want A to make that informed choice. I know that A still has that spark for me (even though I have heard "I hate you" out of A's mouth more often than I care to count over the past 3 years). I know that A wants to be with me. But we have both changed, and there are so many things that I am NOT willing to live with and that I will NOT have my children having to live with (some of which A agrees with me on, especially about the kids), that are still such a big part of who A is at the moment. And without that internal, driving emotive suite of feelings and reasons of WANTING to be with A, it seems futile and pointless for us to put our lives on hold any longer when I really, honestly and truly am done.
I am having a hard time trying to explain to A, heck I am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself in a way that makes the words make any sense. How do I explain the finality of the emotions that I am having verses the slight hope that used to be there. How can I say for certain that a spark could never grow again? How could i say that there really is no hope? I have used all of the words before that I use now, but it is what is behind them that is so different. Words are such a horribly limited way to communicate...to express the subtle differences that truly make a huge difference. I can't even find the words to explain it myself to my self, it is a knowing more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than anything easily subjective. It is a knowing.....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Transitions....not instant flips....
While there is a part of me that would love to say that this past week has been filled with a diet of only whole, plant based food and that I am on top of the world, alas, I can not. I have never really been one of those people that can grab an idea for habit change and immediately go on a fad diet and lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks and 60 pounds in 3 months. Though, most of those people that I know who can do that, after the three months is over, gradually go back to their old habits and gain back all of the weight they lost plus some.
So, this is more about who I am. I am a slow changer. Change does not scare me and I am not actually resistant to change (some people are, but I don't mind change). I am however a creature of habit, and while not afraid of or resistant to change, I find that having the tools I need to get out of the well ingrained ruts is a challenge. So, rather than beating myself up about the fact that last week I decided I was going to stop in my tracks and go green, whole foods all the way, and then not being able to do that, I am going to be more reasonable and hope that the current approach will work better for true lasting change. So I am building ladders out of the ruts, instead of trying to springboard up the side of the ravine and tumbling back down. So I am adding good habits while decreasing bad habits, replacing them. Jumping form a bad habit to a good habit does not work for me--it would be like asking a TV addict to just shut off the TV without giving them the tools to fill that time with something else. So they would be sitting there staring at an empty screen, which would not bode well for being able to break the TV addiction. SO I am shifting my consciousness, my subconscious, and my daily living habits from patterns that are not so good to patterns that are more life affirming. I have been on a road to transformation for quite some time now and this is just another step, another transition is the very important process of a life in transformation.
My affair with green smoothies is becoming a real relationship now. I am drinking one a day (and two on a couple of days) and I LOVE it. I have more energy, my body feels freer, and my mind is clearer. Getting plant based food--raw, whole, fresh green, red, yellow, orange food into me in good quantities on a daily basis has helped increase my overall sense of well being. I have been starting my day off blending a nice green smoothie. I have been experimenting some, like varying what greens, fruit and other veggies I put in and in what quantities. My favorite two so far are:
KCA: (makes 1 1/2 to 2 smoothies)
1 handful of Kale (4-6 leaves)
1/4 Cantaloupe
1 apple
1/2 cucumber
2-3 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
7-14 grams Spirulina
1 tbs Flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
KMC: (makes 2 1/2-3 smoothies)
2 handfuls Kale (8-12 leaves)
1 Mango
1 Cucumber
2 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
14 grams Spirulina
2 tbs flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8-12 oz water
My least favorite two were:
blended salad:
4 large romaine leaves
1 tomato
1 cucumber
1/2 green pepper
2 carrots (peeled)
1 tbs dressing
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(YUCK!!!!--better to just sit down and enjoy the salad which is very tasty, but blended into a drinkable form--shudder{{}})
KRC:
1 handful Kale leaves
4 Romaine leaves
1/4 cantaloupe
2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1/4 pineapple
7 grams spirulina
1 tbs flax seed
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(it was palatable, but not enjoyable, and not something I want to repeat)
Over all, I have found that too much romaine lettuce is a bad choice--it is too bitter. Though I have included 2 leaves with at least twice as much Kale and other ingredients and had a fine smoothie. Pineapple is okay in some smoothies, but not in others. I have only tried tomato twice and it was in both of the ones I did not like, so I am still unsure on tomato as a smoothie ingredient. But they are yummy to just eat, so maybe I don't need to keep tyring. Carrots are okay in certain combinations, but use just one, not two (unless they are small). And apple and Kale and celery are a great combination--those three seem to be able to support a wide range of additional ingredients. Mango and cantaloupe are two other base fruits that have worked REALLY well. I am going to be sad when they are out of season and thus are cost prohibitive. But for now, the sales are great and the fruit plentiful.
So now, you may be wondering if my kids have gotten on this kick--well not so much. they like an all fruit smoothie--especially if I put a little ice cream in it for them. I am being a mean mama and making them have a bit of spirulina in juice every day (like 1 gram spirulina in 2 oz juice) and take it like medicine, because the micro nutrient value is so important, and I want them to benefit for the great abundance of micro nutrients in spirulina (which is a natural blue green algae often eaten in the tropics--very nutritious and a taste that grows on you (I now LOVE it in my smoothie and feel its lack if I do not put it in).
BUT the smoothie is not the only thing that I have done to add whole plant based food to out diet as a more prominent contender in meals. I am in the transition of considering vegetables a side dish to considering them the most vital part of the meal. Twice this past week I made the best stir fry in the world--I made it first last Tuesday, and could not stop thinking about it the next couple of days, so I made it again on Friday before we went to the circus.
World's best Stir Fry:
1/2 large eggplant (cubed)
1/4 large head of cabbage (cubed or shredded)
1 small-medium zucchini (cubed)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into bites size slices (wide))
2 celery stalks (cut in bite sized chunks)
1 small head of broccoli (cut into bite sized trees)
1 clove fresh garlic, diced fine
1 tbs dried onion flakes (I did not have any fresh onion)
a shake of mixed herbs (oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme)
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1-2 tbs extra virgin oil
1 cup water (added as necessary)
I heated the oil on medium to medium-low heat for a few minutes, then added the diced garlic. Let simmer for 1-2 minutes. Add carrots and coat evenly (if you have fresh mushrooms, which sadly I did not, add them now too). Let simmer with occasional stirring for 3-5 minutes, add onion flakes and other herbs/spices (if using whole onion add it right after the garlic) add egg plant, broccoli and zucchini. Coat evenly, add 1/4 cup of water or so. simmer another 3-5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add remaining vegetables and 1/4 cup of water. Mix and let simmer 3-5 minutes. Add vinegar and 1/4 cup water and stir. Let simmer for another 3-5 minutes. Serve hot.
While that was cooking I sauteed some frozen scallops and shrimp in a little oil with garlic and taragon leaves and a dash of vinegar and a little water.
I served both pans hot and without a major carb (the kids had been munching on crackers and M&M's so the need for a carb was not really there--Friday we did have brown rice with it for the kids, though I did not eat the rice).
It was the most delectable stir fry I have had in a long time. Just writing about it makes my mouth water. Next time I will make sure I have both fresh onion and fresh mushrooms to make it even better.
As for other meals we had last week--well, Wednesday we had box macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and green beans. Thursday we had pan fried talapia fish fillets (fried with just a touch of oil and some fresh garlic and taragon), brown rice, and salad. Friday we had the stir fry and then ate a bunch of over prices junk food (cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, soda) at the circus. Saturday can't remember what we had--I know there was corned beef hash and eggs for lunch, but I am drawing as total blank on dinner. Wait, I remember! A picked up some fresh shaved ham at the deli and we had ham sandwiches on whole wheat bread with American cheese lettuce and tomato, and potato chips and grapes on the side. Sunday we had sausage, eggs and toast for lunch (the kids are fruit and ready to eat cereal breakfast eaters--habits from leaving the house on a one hour car ride to school each morning with a baggie of dry cereal, a baggie of grapes or berries or apple slices (if we have them), and spill proof cup of either milk or juice--so other breakfast foods become lunch specials). For dinner we had chicken breast cooked on the grill, potatoes (cooked wrapped in foil in the charcoal) and salad.
Yesterday I woke up late and had to rush to get the kids to school. We stressed out and did not have time to make a smoothie. So did I make a good choice and go to the grocery store, NO. Instead I want to McDonald's and got a Sausage mcMuffim with Egg meal. Then grabbed a premade hot chicken sandwich from Stewarts for lunch with an apple. Not the best choices. For dinner we made burgers on the grill, and I used buns (which I rarely do), and had chips and salad and corn on the cob bought from a local farm stand.
So as you can see, it is a slow transition. I am including what I have been eating to let others know that they are not alone in the difficult trek from unhealth to health.
My commitment is to add more healthy choices to my lifestyle, more whole foods, more raw veggies, more plant based food, and get away from refined and processed foods, grain and meat focused ways of eating.
I have been feeling the need fro more protein in the morning after my smoothie so I have added 1-2 hard boiled eggs as a mid-morning snack. Lunch has been a chef salad (premade from Cumberland Farms if I did not get a chance to make it at home), and some seeds or sometimes some whole wheat crackers if I feel the need for it. I have been drinking too much iced coffee with sugar, so I am going to cut the sugar out and maybe cut out the iced coffee eventually. I love iced tea, which I drink black anyway, so that is an easy switch as long as I remember to make it the night before. Of course, I am still drinking 8-12 cups of ice cold water every day. And most days I walk 1-2 miles.
So, since I started this blog in March, there are already some good habits that are truly becoming ingrained habits. And my life is still a life in transformation. I had blood work taken last Friday, so I will be able to see kind of a baseline of where I am at the beginning of this trek into eating a more Nutrient Rich focus. I have been spending time on Dr. Furhman's website and am going to be checking his book out of the library that details more about Nutrient dense foods. "Eat to Live" By Joel Furhman, if anyone wants to join me in reading this book. Hi site is really informative, and I saw him first on the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" which still just inspires me so much to changing my habits and living a better life.
So, this is more about who I am. I am a slow changer. Change does not scare me and I am not actually resistant to change (some people are, but I don't mind change). I am however a creature of habit, and while not afraid of or resistant to change, I find that having the tools I need to get out of the well ingrained ruts is a challenge. So, rather than beating myself up about the fact that last week I decided I was going to stop in my tracks and go green, whole foods all the way, and then not being able to do that, I am going to be more reasonable and hope that the current approach will work better for true lasting change. So I am building ladders out of the ruts, instead of trying to springboard up the side of the ravine and tumbling back down. So I am adding good habits while decreasing bad habits, replacing them. Jumping form a bad habit to a good habit does not work for me--it would be like asking a TV addict to just shut off the TV without giving them the tools to fill that time with something else. So they would be sitting there staring at an empty screen, which would not bode well for being able to break the TV addiction. SO I am shifting my consciousness, my subconscious, and my daily living habits from patterns that are not so good to patterns that are more life affirming. I have been on a road to transformation for quite some time now and this is just another step, another transition is the very important process of a life in transformation.
My affair with green smoothies is becoming a real relationship now. I am drinking one a day (and two on a couple of days) and I LOVE it. I have more energy, my body feels freer, and my mind is clearer. Getting plant based food--raw, whole, fresh green, red, yellow, orange food into me in good quantities on a daily basis has helped increase my overall sense of well being. I have been starting my day off blending a nice green smoothie. I have been experimenting some, like varying what greens, fruit and other veggies I put in and in what quantities. My favorite two so far are:
KCA: (makes 1 1/2 to 2 smoothies)
1 handful of Kale (4-6 leaves)
1/4 Cantaloupe
1 apple
1/2 cucumber
2-3 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
7-14 grams Spirulina
1 tbs Flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
KMC: (makes 2 1/2-3 smoothies)
2 handfuls Kale (8-12 leaves)
1 Mango
1 Cucumber
2 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
14 grams Spirulina
2 tbs flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8-12 oz water
My least favorite two were:
blended salad:
4 large romaine leaves
1 tomato
1 cucumber
1/2 green pepper
2 carrots (peeled)
1 tbs dressing
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(YUCK!!!!--better to just sit down and enjoy the salad which is very tasty, but blended into a drinkable form--shudder{{}})
KRC:
1 handful Kale leaves
4 Romaine leaves
1/4 cantaloupe
2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1/4 pineapple
7 grams spirulina
1 tbs flax seed
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(it was palatable, but not enjoyable, and not something I want to repeat)
Over all, I have found that too much romaine lettuce is a bad choice--it is too bitter. Though I have included 2 leaves with at least twice as much Kale and other ingredients and had a fine smoothie. Pineapple is okay in some smoothies, but not in others. I have only tried tomato twice and it was in both of the ones I did not like, so I am still unsure on tomato as a smoothie ingredient. But they are yummy to just eat, so maybe I don't need to keep tyring. Carrots are okay in certain combinations, but use just one, not two (unless they are small). And apple and Kale and celery are a great combination--those three seem to be able to support a wide range of additional ingredients. Mango and cantaloupe are two other base fruits that have worked REALLY well. I am going to be sad when they are out of season and thus are cost prohibitive. But for now, the sales are great and the fruit plentiful.
So now, you may be wondering if my kids have gotten on this kick--well not so much. they like an all fruit smoothie--especially if I put a little ice cream in it for them. I am being a mean mama and making them have a bit of spirulina in juice every day (like 1 gram spirulina in 2 oz juice) and take it like medicine, because the micro nutrient value is so important, and I want them to benefit for the great abundance of micro nutrients in spirulina (which is a natural blue green algae often eaten in the tropics--very nutritious and a taste that grows on you (I now LOVE it in my smoothie and feel its lack if I do not put it in).
BUT the smoothie is not the only thing that I have done to add whole plant based food to out diet as a more prominent contender in meals. I am in the transition of considering vegetables a side dish to considering them the most vital part of the meal. Twice this past week I made the best stir fry in the world--I made it first last Tuesday, and could not stop thinking about it the next couple of days, so I made it again on Friday before we went to the circus.
World's best Stir Fry:
1/2 large eggplant (cubed)
1/4 large head of cabbage (cubed or shredded)
1 small-medium zucchini (cubed)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into bites size slices (wide))
2 celery stalks (cut in bite sized chunks)
1 small head of broccoli (cut into bite sized trees)
1 clove fresh garlic, diced fine
1 tbs dried onion flakes (I did not have any fresh onion)
a shake of mixed herbs (oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme)
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1-2 tbs extra virgin oil
1 cup water (added as necessary)
I heated the oil on medium to medium-low heat for a few minutes, then added the diced garlic. Let simmer for 1-2 minutes. Add carrots and coat evenly (if you have fresh mushrooms, which sadly I did not, add them now too). Let simmer with occasional stirring for 3-5 minutes, add onion flakes and other herbs/spices (if using whole onion add it right after the garlic) add egg plant, broccoli and zucchini. Coat evenly, add 1/4 cup of water or so. simmer another 3-5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add remaining vegetables and 1/4 cup of water. Mix and let simmer 3-5 minutes. Add vinegar and 1/4 cup water and stir. Let simmer for another 3-5 minutes. Serve hot.
While that was cooking I sauteed some frozen scallops and shrimp in a little oil with garlic and taragon leaves and a dash of vinegar and a little water.
I served both pans hot and without a major carb (the kids had been munching on crackers and M&M's so the need for a carb was not really there--Friday we did have brown rice with it for the kids, though I did not eat the rice).
It was the most delectable stir fry I have had in a long time. Just writing about it makes my mouth water. Next time I will make sure I have both fresh onion and fresh mushrooms to make it even better.
As for other meals we had last week--well, Wednesday we had box macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and green beans. Thursday we had pan fried talapia fish fillets (fried with just a touch of oil and some fresh garlic and taragon), brown rice, and salad. Friday we had the stir fry and then ate a bunch of over prices junk food (cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, soda) at the circus. Saturday can't remember what we had--I know there was corned beef hash and eggs for lunch, but I am drawing as total blank on dinner. Wait, I remember! A picked up some fresh shaved ham at the deli and we had ham sandwiches on whole wheat bread with American cheese lettuce and tomato, and potato chips and grapes on the side. Sunday we had sausage, eggs and toast for lunch (the kids are fruit and ready to eat cereal breakfast eaters--habits from leaving the house on a one hour car ride to school each morning with a baggie of dry cereal, a baggie of grapes or berries or apple slices (if we have them), and spill proof cup of either milk or juice--so other breakfast foods become lunch specials). For dinner we had chicken breast cooked on the grill, potatoes (cooked wrapped in foil in the charcoal) and salad.
Yesterday I woke up late and had to rush to get the kids to school. We stressed out and did not have time to make a smoothie. So did I make a good choice and go to the grocery store, NO. Instead I want to McDonald's and got a Sausage mcMuffim with Egg meal. Then grabbed a premade hot chicken sandwich from Stewarts for lunch with an apple. Not the best choices. For dinner we made burgers on the grill, and I used buns (which I rarely do), and had chips and salad and corn on the cob bought from a local farm stand.
So as you can see, it is a slow transition. I am including what I have been eating to let others know that they are not alone in the difficult trek from unhealth to health.
My commitment is to add more healthy choices to my lifestyle, more whole foods, more raw veggies, more plant based food, and get away from refined and processed foods, grain and meat focused ways of eating.
I have been feeling the need fro more protein in the morning after my smoothie so I have added 1-2 hard boiled eggs as a mid-morning snack. Lunch has been a chef salad (premade from Cumberland Farms if I did not get a chance to make it at home), and some seeds or sometimes some whole wheat crackers if I feel the need for it. I have been drinking too much iced coffee with sugar, so I am going to cut the sugar out and maybe cut out the iced coffee eventually. I love iced tea, which I drink black anyway, so that is an easy switch as long as I remember to make it the night before. Of course, I am still drinking 8-12 cups of ice cold water every day. And most days I walk 1-2 miles.
So, since I started this blog in March, there are already some good habits that are truly becoming ingrained habits. And my life is still a life in transformation. I had blood work taken last Friday, so I will be able to see kind of a baseline of where I am at the beginning of this trek into eating a more Nutrient Rich focus. I have been spending time on Dr. Furhman's website and am going to be checking his book out of the library that details more about Nutrient dense foods. "Eat to Live" By Joel Furhman, if anyone wants to join me in reading this book. Hi site is really informative, and I saw him first on the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" which still just inspires me so much to changing my habits and living a better life.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I'm NOT "so tired..."
Have you ever had one of those self-conversations that you have out of habit? You know, where you talk to yourself in your head about something? And you have the same thing to say everyday? Okay, so...
I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing. And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:
{sit down} "whew! Ahh. <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."
I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it. And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....
I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...
Well, there is something that is new. That is a step in the right direction.
In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day. But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen. So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction. I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly. Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress. After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?
I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago. But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).
So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week. My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...). So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well). On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it. So they passed on a brand new blender to me. You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out. I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits. But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.
Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party. Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years. She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won. She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs. The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more. Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances. So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group. So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig. They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency. They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end. It was a great night.
A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...). So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed. I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up. It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me. As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a ride home with A. So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds). By then it was around 11:15pm. I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late). I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep. (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going).
So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted. I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it. It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again. Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me. To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment).
It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing. I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life. If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea. If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes. It is time to reboot my life. While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes). So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables. And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.
So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit. (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping). Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up. It was tastier than I thought it would be. I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them. I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong). the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.
It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner. I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while.
I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body. For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans. No canned food. No processed foods. No meat or dairy. Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground. While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body. I plan to very rarely have processed foods again. And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too. While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again. So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets. I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been. I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...
So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina
I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower. As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier). It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty. I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.
I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit. When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.
so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation. Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....
I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing. And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:
{sit down} "whew! Ahh. <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."
I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it. And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....
I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...
Well, there is something that is new. That is a step in the right direction.
In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day. But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen. So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction. I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly. Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress. After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?
I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago. But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).
So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week. My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...). So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well). On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it. So they passed on a brand new blender to me. You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out. I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits. But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.
Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party. Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years. She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won. She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs. The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more. Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances. So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group. So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig. They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency. They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end. It was a great night.
A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...). So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed. I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up. It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me. As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a ride home with A. So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds). By then it was around 11:15pm. I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late). I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep. (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going).
So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted. I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it. It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again. Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me. To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment).
It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing. I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life. If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea. If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes. It is time to reboot my life. While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes). So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables. And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.
So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit. (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping). Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up. It was tastier than I thought it would be. I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them. I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong). the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.
It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner. I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while.
I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body. For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans. No canned food. No processed foods. No meat or dairy. Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground. While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body. I plan to very rarely have processed foods again. And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too. While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again. So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets. I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been. I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...
So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina
I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower. As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier). It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty. I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.
I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit. When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.
so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation. Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thinking........always a dangerous activity....part 1....
I think I wrote a while back about the analogy I had heard of going from say Las Vegas to Los Angeles and how even if you did not know the exact route, if you knew the basic direction, and you keep going in that direction, then you will eventually get there. The second portion of that analogy is that if you set out in that direction, and then change your mind and start heading in another direction, and then change your mind and start heading back, and so on, you could essentially be lost forever, turning in circles and never actually getting anywhere. To way to get somewhere is to keep heading in that general direction. It is sticking with a single decision that keeps a person moving in the chosen direction, and making each decision based on that initial decision. If you always override your past decision in favor of a new one, you end up floundering in the wilderness, unsure of exactly where you are, how you got there, or where you are going.
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
But we were firm in our commitment to give a child with special needs from Russia, as children with special needs are placed in mental institutions at age 5 and are not available for adoption after that. They live out their lives, like the US used to treat people with disabilities--hidden away from sight, treated poorly due to the belief that they are essentially of lesser value than "regular" human beings. Not given the chance to grow, learn, and become productive members of society. So, we lifted up our broken hearts, and committed one more time, to a little boy who was in yet another region of Russia. As many of our clearances had expired we used a sizable portion of our saved funds (which had been dipped into for the second attempt) to redo all of our paperwork for yet another region. This time we were hoping to bring home Kirril (whom were were going to rename Korey). He had hydrocephalus and possible mild CP.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
So, you may be wondering why I am thinking about that...well, I have had many pockets in my life of that aimless wandering without a real goal in mind. I have never really liked those times. And I feel like I am in one at this point, and have been for a couple of years. So I am going to try to put some of my mental meanderings into words.
In 2003, I spent 7 months (May 1 to a few days before Thanksgiving) volunteering as in many ways an interim research director at ECHO (www.echonet.org) in North Fort Myers, FL. Their research director was leaving to move back to Canada in June and his replacement research director was not able to be there until October. So they needed someone to learn what research was going on, and to keep it moving forward, to be able to bring the new director up to speed. That way there would be no break in the research, no stopping and starting. It was an amazing experience. ECHO is an amazing organization, an amazing blend of science and spirituality. Living with others of like mind, working side by side with people dedicated to "...using science and technology to help the poor..." which was the core of the mission statement when I was there. The revised mission statement is "ECHO's Mission is to equip people with resources and skills to reduce hunger and improve the lives of the poor. "
It was the most fulfilling 7 months of my life. But volunteering full time is a not an easy to sustain lifestyle, as income is a necessary part of our culture. But I felt very honored to have the support, financial, emotional, and prayerful, of all of the people who helped me be able to do that work. As I was nearing the end of my time at ECHO, I was trying to decide what to do next, what my next step would be.
I am a very visual thinker (I tend to think in concepts and visuals). As I was meditating on my path, the visual that came to me was like standing in a clearing in a forest. It was a small, sunny beautiful clearing, surrounded by a fence with many gates. From the clearing, like spokes of a wheel were many paths going in many different directions. All looked inviting, all looked clear, but I could not see more than a few paces down any path. I had a sense that I could choose any one of the gates, and by opening one the others would be locked. It was a pivotal decision making time, but I had no idea where any of those gates would lead. I try not to waste my time wondering how my life would have been if I had chosen a different path. At the time, there were some easy to see paths from the point that I was at, but with each one there were so many unknowns. I chose to return to Ithaca at that time, to return to the career field where I had the most training and experience (at that time plant genomics). And to return to where I had my church,friends, family, and other known entities. In short, it was the least risk path. I knew it when I chose it, I knew it was the path of least risk. I also knew it was not the most potentially fulfilling of the paths that lay before me, both of the ones I could see the next steps in or the ones that were just a vague idea.
I returned to Ithaca, got a position working in agriculture at Cornell again, and decided to settle in to work towards another dream of mine--adopting children with special needs. So I bought a house, and then I met A. I really had never had a spousal type relationship, so this was a new experience. I put my adoption plans on hold, and developed a relationship with A. We had a ceremony solidifying our commitment a year later, and revived the mutually agreed upon path to adoption, with somewhat different parameters than I originally planned, as I was planning on foster to adopt, knowing that most foster children return to their parents (which is normally a very good thing). So I was prepared to be a safe haven and support for children whose home lives had become unsafe, and to help them while their parents found stable ground. But A felt that getting attached and losing them was more than A could handle. So we chose to do straight adoption, looking at children internationally, kids who were already freed for adoption in foster care, and private agencies. We began the path to adopt a beautiful boy named Rustam from Russia. He is and always will be the first son of my heart.
Rustam still resides in a place in my heart, and will always be there. He was my one armed bandit. He had hanhart syndrome. The amazing child with only one arm, and completely fused finger on the good arm, as well as fused toes, and some heart and kidney issues. We had a couple of videos of this amazing child. He was so smart and capable. He could use his little lobster hand so well, and loved playing ball, running around, and just being a kid. You could tell from the videos that he was a strong willed little guy, interested in exploring his world, and willing to exert his own control over his life. He probably would have been a challenge to parent, but strong willed children usually become successful leaders as adults if their strength can be channeled properly. So are very worth the challenge.
For a few months, we focused on talking to specialists about his issues, preparing his bedroom, and we even had the chance to send some things to him with another family who was adopting a child from that orphanage. We had completed all of the paperwork, gotten all of the clearances, and had been raising the money for the travel expenses. We were awaiting a travel date for the first trip to go to Russia and meet him, sign the first round of papers, have court, etc.... Then we got the call that another family in Russia had committed to adopting him. That is the risk of international adoption. IF a family there chooses a child they take precedence over someone who has not yet been there. So he was no longer available...We were broken hearted, but were bolstered by the fact that he would have a family, a mom to tuck him in and give him kisses.
We grieved but decided to continue with our plans to adopt internationally and selected two little guys from a different section of Russia--one who had been a preemie and one who had some issues with his hips and leg length. We redid our paperwork for the new region and began preparing for the adoption of Kostya and Andre. My dad got his passport so that he could be an extra set of hands during the process and the travel to bring the boys home. We altered the kids room (added a crib for little Kostya), and began getting toys that were appropriate for a slightly older child than we had planned on as Andre was 4. While we still grieved the loss of Rustam as our son, we were committed to bringing home these two little ones. As our original home study and immigration clearances were for up to two children, those did not have to be redone. So paperwork did not take too long to redo. A couple of months later, as we awaited a travel date, we got another call of bad news. Andre had been taken into foster care in Russia and the family wanted to keep him and someone had stepped forward from Russia to adopt Kostya. So another major loss. It was like getting hit with a shot gun blast, as my heart was still an open sore from losing Rustam.
We did not prepare for him. We were too gun shy and our hearts were broken. We spent a month doing things, only to learn that our funds were too depleted to have enough for the first trip. We decided after a few weeks, that we were in no condition to weather another loss, and we now needed more time to raise more money. We had already lost over $8,000 to the process of international adoption, most of which was spend on all of the document preparation, getting the right seals and stamps, translation, and then redoing it a couple more times. So we regretfully stepped back from Kirril, something that makes me sad to this day, as I followed his picture for a long time, and learned that even though a couple of families traveled to meet him, both families turned him down. He most likely ended up in a mental institution when he turn 5. Having been hurt by the losses so many times and lost so much money, we decided to concentrate on adopting from the US.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow. my little man J had aquatic PT today and it is tiem for me to head over to school to pick him up for that....
Monday, June 6, 2011
New name and some of J's history...
Okay, so while the blog address is staying the same, I have decide to change the blog title to more appropriately reflect the content of the blog. While I originally set out to chronicle my daily actions toward losing weight, it has turned into a blog chronicling the transformation of my life in a multitude of areas. So I have changed the name to better reflect that focus, which is much broader.
Okay, so Today I am going to talk a bit about my son's (J--age 4 & 3/4) journey, as we had a slightly shocking eye appointment today, and I just, for myself, want to process it, thus I will tell some of his story, mainly his medical stuff, focusing on his eyes after the initial history.
J was born a preemie (12 weeks early) to a 25 year old birthmom who had had 9 pregnancies (5 live births, 3 abortions, and J--probably more since then but I only know of a teeny tiny piece of her story). J had no prenatal care prior to being born and about two to three weeks before his early birth she had gone to the doctor seeking an abortion, but was told she was past the 24 week mark and thus too far along. She arrived at the hospital a couple weeks after that in labor with him stuck breech in the birth canal. They had to perform an emergency c-section to get him out, as he was being crushed by the contractions. He was bruised all over his body from the contractions crushing him, he was cyanotic, and had breathed in meconium, in addition to being nearly 3 months too early. His apgar score at 1 minute was 1 (zero is dead). We had the chance to talk to the doctor that delivered him, and she said when she pulled him out she did not think he would make it. But oddly, this little fighter managed to have a 5 minute apgar score above 7. So the doctors and nurses were amazing at reviving him, and he had an amazing will to live. He as just shy of 2 lbs 10 oz. His birthmom contacted an adoption agency that day and arranged to sign him over to the agency. As a single mom with five boys at home already, and with his likely daunting issues, she knew she could not take care of him and that someone else could.
Josiah had heart surgery at three days old, to close a hole in his heart that was normal for a developing baby in the womb but that needed to close with him outside the womb, as oxygenated blood was mixing too much with depleted blood, thus reducing the ability to keep his body oxygenated. He was on a blown oxygen as his lungs were not ready to breathe well enough, he later was slowly weaned off the supplemental oxygen during his 2 1/2 months in the hospital. During the first two weeks, Josiah developed a Grade III brain bleed (intraventricular hemorrhage--IVH) on the left side of his brain and later a Grade IV IVH in the right ventricle. As the chance of death is over 50% for one grade III or IV bleed, the fact that he survived both a grade III and a grade IV on opposite sides is incredible. A grade III causes damage by increasing ventricle size due to the added fluid from the blood, and a grade IV causes damage by both increasing ventricle size and by blood actually absorbing into the brain tissue itself, severely damaging the brain tissue. On top of that, he developed post-hemorrhagic hydrocephalus, which is a build up of cerebral spinal fluid in his ventricles which puts a great amount of pressure on the brain from the inside, which in an infant forces the skull to open wider in an effort for the body to save the brain from being crushed between the ventricles and the skull.
We brought him home at 2 1/2 months old directly from the NICU. He had a laundry list of diagnoses including: 1) Prematurity, 2) post-hemorrhagic hydrocephalus 3) GER (gastroesophogeal Reflux) 4) ROP (retinopathy of prematurity) 5) Anemia of prematurity 6) neutropenia 7) Reactive Airway Disease 8) failed newborn hearing screening (twice) and 9) I can't remember what the ninth on the the list of 9 was now, I have it at home somewhere . So basically he was a child who could potentially be blind (ROP), deaf (failed hearing screens), on a feeding tube (narrowly dodged a nissen wrap thanks to a GI doc willing to trust us to do the hard work of feeding him every hour with thicken formula and working hard to get enough food into his body without it ending up in his lings--the first 8 months were hell, as he had to be fed every hour and had to remain upright for 30-45 minutes following each feed--try to imagine how life is like that), with risk of severe CP, MR, and a host of other issues. We were told at the hospital that it is hard to give a prognosis, but to be prepared that he may be just barely functioning, may never roll over, may never speak, may never be able to do anything (BOY did HE blow that out of the water).
So, that is his basic beginning, to lead into what I want to talk about today--his vision. Josiah has been going to the eye doctor since he was a tiny infant (in between trips to the ICU, the eye doctor even visited him in the ICU one time so that he would not miss his visit). So for the first few months he went every couple of weeks to ensure the the ROP was resolving and the blood vessels were not getting too out of whack. The reason they have them go so often, is that with ROP, the blood vessels grow incorrectly and can actually grow abnormally to the center of the eye instead of on top of the retina. Retinal detachment can occur, causing blindness. But if caught early enough they cauterize the blood vessels and stop the destruction of the eye, but that also results in impaired vision. Anyway, we went every couple of weeks and though the blood vessels were growing slightly abnormally they kept growing int he right direction. Appointments were then moved to every month, then every 3 months, and by 14 months old, his eyes were developed and the ROP resolved on its own.
The second problem with his vision then came into focus ( :P ). With the brain bleeds and hydrocephalus (all that pressure), there was some damage to the optic nerve on the right eye (right side brain damage causes the physical body problems on the left side, but the eye on the same side as the damage). He was down to seeing the eye doctor every 6 months. He was diagnosed with both far-sightedness--so he can see things farther away okay, but up close is blurry. And with strambizmus (lazy eye) on the right side. He got glasses that he needed to wear 3-4 hours a day, and we began patching the good eye to force him to use his weaker eye. As he got older he would remove the patches, so we moved up to eye drops that cause the left eye (his good eye) to be blurry, thus making him use the right eye. He did fairly well, and by the time he was 2 1/2, his second pair of glasses corrected the strambizmus well enough that patchign adn drops were stopped. We were cleared to see the doctor one a year and have him wear his glasses 5-6 hours a day, especially when he was doing table work (coloring, puzzles, playdough, etc...). Last year's eye appointment went well, his eye was still weak but seem to have stabilized, we did not need a new prescription as they had only slightly changed, and he was to continue to wear his glasses 5-6 hours a day. Which he usually did at school.
Well, over the past few months he has been growing more and more resistant to wearing his glasses, and within the past few weeks outright refusing to wear them, even at school. So it was time for his appointment, and today's eye appointment was a shocker. Both eyes now require vision correction at all times (though is left eye is in the regular range, and has not changed too much), but his right eye has deteriorated horribly. He can not see much at all, he could not even see the large E on the chart. Technically, he is blind in that right eye now. The doctor said probably he has not been wearing his glasses because his eyes have changed enough that the lens may make his vision worse. So new ones have been ordered. And we are going to implement an aggressive semi-patching routine with a high prescription strength lens on the right to try and get as much vision as we can. We will be going back to the every 3 months visits to the eye doctor. But he said there may not be anything that can be done. With the brain bleeds he had, and the fact that we did do so much early on to strengthen that eye, it is very probably that the damage to the optic nerve was too much, and that it will continue to diminish. But he is not willing to give up just yet. The early patching and blurry drops should have corrected it. He said they don't like to talk about the possibility of it not getting better until around 5 or 6. Which is why I am just now hearing that this is a possibility. As he has not been wearing his glasses these past couple months, that could be why it is such a drastic change from last year.
I was not prepared for this news, as I really thought his eye issues had stabilized and we were just at the management phase. But alas, that is not the case. It is possible that he may end up legally blind in that right eye, and there is nothing we can do but try to stop the degradation as much as possible by forcing him to use the right eye. It is going to be an interesting summer...
Okay, so Today I am going to talk a bit about my son's (J--age 4 & 3/4) journey, as we had a slightly shocking eye appointment today, and I just, for myself, want to process it, thus I will tell some of his story, mainly his medical stuff, focusing on his eyes after the initial history.
J was born a preemie (12 weeks early) to a 25 year old birthmom who had had 9 pregnancies (5 live births, 3 abortions, and J--probably more since then but I only know of a teeny tiny piece of her story). J had no prenatal care prior to being born and about two to three weeks before his early birth she had gone to the doctor seeking an abortion, but was told she was past the 24 week mark and thus too far along. She arrived at the hospital a couple weeks after that in labor with him stuck breech in the birth canal. They had to perform an emergency c-section to get him out, as he was being crushed by the contractions. He was bruised all over his body from the contractions crushing him, he was cyanotic, and had breathed in meconium, in addition to being nearly 3 months too early. His apgar score at 1 minute was 1 (zero is dead). We had the chance to talk to the doctor that delivered him, and she said when she pulled him out she did not think he would make it. But oddly, this little fighter managed to have a 5 minute apgar score above 7. So the doctors and nurses were amazing at reviving him, and he had an amazing will to live. He as just shy of 2 lbs 10 oz. His birthmom contacted an adoption agency that day and arranged to sign him over to the agency. As a single mom with five boys at home already, and with his likely daunting issues, she knew she could not take care of him and that someone else could.
Josiah had heart surgery at three days old, to close a hole in his heart that was normal for a developing baby in the womb but that needed to close with him outside the womb, as oxygenated blood was mixing too much with depleted blood, thus reducing the ability to keep his body oxygenated. He was on a blown oxygen as his lungs were not ready to breathe well enough, he later was slowly weaned off the supplemental oxygen during his 2 1/2 months in the hospital. During the first two weeks, Josiah developed a Grade III brain bleed (intraventricular hemorrhage--IVH) on the left side of his brain and later a Grade IV IVH in the right ventricle. As the chance of death is over 50% for one grade III or IV bleed, the fact that he survived both a grade III and a grade IV on opposite sides is incredible. A grade III causes damage by increasing ventricle size due to the added fluid from the blood, and a grade IV causes damage by both increasing ventricle size and by blood actually absorbing into the brain tissue itself, severely damaging the brain tissue. On top of that, he developed post-hemorrhagic hydrocephalus, which is a build up of cerebral spinal fluid in his ventricles which puts a great amount of pressure on the brain from the inside, which in an infant forces the skull to open wider in an effort for the body to save the brain from being crushed between the ventricles and the skull.
We brought him home at 2 1/2 months old directly from the NICU. He had a laundry list of diagnoses including: 1) Prematurity, 2) post-hemorrhagic hydrocephalus 3) GER (gastroesophogeal Reflux) 4) ROP (retinopathy of prematurity) 5) Anemia of prematurity 6) neutropenia 7) Reactive Airway Disease 8) failed newborn hearing screening (twice) and 9) I can't remember what the ninth on the the list of 9 was now, I have it at home somewhere . So basically he was a child who could potentially be blind (ROP), deaf (failed hearing screens), on a feeding tube (narrowly dodged a nissen wrap thanks to a GI doc willing to trust us to do the hard work of feeding him every hour with thicken formula and working hard to get enough food into his body without it ending up in his lings--the first 8 months were hell, as he had to be fed every hour and had to remain upright for 30-45 minutes following each feed--try to imagine how life is like that), with risk of severe CP, MR, and a host of other issues. We were told at the hospital that it is hard to give a prognosis, but to be prepared that he may be just barely functioning, may never roll over, may never speak, may never be able to do anything (BOY did HE blow that out of the water).
So, that is his basic beginning, to lead into what I want to talk about today--his vision. Josiah has been going to the eye doctor since he was a tiny infant (in between trips to the ICU, the eye doctor even visited him in the ICU one time so that he would not miss his visit). So for the first few months he went every couple of weeks to ensure the the ROP was resolving and the blood vessels were not getting too out of whack. The reason they have them go so often, is that with ROP, the blood vessels grow incorrectly and can actually grow abnormally to the center of the eye instead of on top of the retina. Retinal detachment can occur, causing blindness. But if caught early enough they cauterize the blood vessels and stop the destruction of the eye, but that also results in impaired vision. Anyway, we went every couple of weeks and though the blood vessels were growing slightly abnormally they kept growing int he right direction. Appointments were then moved to every month, then every 3 months, and by 14 months old, his eyes were developed and the ROP resolved on its own.
The second problem with his vision then came into focus ( :P ). With the brain bleeds and hydrocephalus (all that pressure), there was some damage to the optic nerve on the right eye (right side brain damage causes the physical body problems on the left side, but the eye on the same side as the damage). He was down to seeing the eye doctor every 6 months. He was diagnosed with both far-sightedness--so he can see things farther away okay, but up close is blurry. And with strambizmus (lazy eye) on the right side. He got glasses that he needed to wear 3-4 hours a day, and we began patching the good eye to force him to use his weaker eye. As he got older he would remove the patches, so we moved up to eye drops that cause the left eye (his good eye) to be blurry, thus making him use the right eye. He did fairly well, and by the time he was 2 1/2, his second pair of glasses corrected the strambizmus well enough that patchign adn drops were stopped. We were cleared to see the doctor one a year and have him wear his glasses 5-6 hours a day, especially when he was doing table work (coloring, puzzles, playdough, etc...). Last year's eye appointment went well, his eye was still weak but seem to have stabilized, we did not need a new prescription as they had only slightly changed, and he was to continue to wear his glasses 5-6 hours a day. Which he usually did at school.
Well, over the past few months he has been growing more and more resistant to wearing his glasses, and within the past few weeks outright refusing to wear them, even at school. So it was time for his appointment, and today's eye appointment was a shocker. Both eyes now require vision correction at all times (though is left eye is in the regular range, and has not changed too much), but his right eye has deteriorated horribly. He can not see much at all, he could not even see the large E on the chart. Technically, he is blind in that right eye now. The doctor said probably he has not been wearing his glasses because his eyes have changed enough that the lens may make his vision worse. So new ones have been ordered. And we are going to implement an aggressive semi-patching routine with a high prescription strength lens on the right to try and get as much vision as we can. We will be going back to the every 3 months visits to the eye doctor. But he said there may not be anything that can be done. With the brain bleeds he had, and the fact that we did do so much early on to strengthen that eye, it is very probably that the damage to the optic nerve was too much, and that it will continue to diminish. But he is not willing to give up just yet. The early patching and blurry drops should have corrected it. He said they don't like to talk about the possibility of it not getting better until around 5 or 6. Which is why I am just now hearing that this is a possibility. As he has not been wearing his glasses these past couple months, that could be why it is such a drastic change from last year.
I was not prepared for this news, as I really thought his eye issues had stabilized and we were just at the management phase. But alas, that is not the case. It is possible that he may end up legally blind in that right eye, and there is nothing we can do but try to stop the degradation as much as possible by forcing him to use the right eye. It is going to be an interesting summer...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Day 81--Still breathing...
So, today was originally the day by which I had planned to move much closer to my weight loss goal, but alas, it is a slower process. There is much that I started out with doing correctly, that I was unable to create a good habit with. And many other things that I have done well that are improving my life as a whole:
WALKING: I am walking 1-2 miles almost every weekday, which is a huge plus all around. It helps keep the muscles in my legs feeling good, it helps strengthen my heart and lungs, it releases tension throughout my body, it uses some of my excess stored energy, it helps my body be better at using insulin, and it helps me clear my mind and have a stronger sense of peace.
BETTER FOOD CHOICES: I have cut out a significant portion of fast food from my weekly diet. For a while I was having a McD meal at least 4-5 times a week (not good health wise or $$ wise). And now I only go to the golden arches about once a month. I have been eating more yogurt and oatmeal, and less sausage egg and Cheese sandwiches. I still need to continue this transition, but it is in a good progress. I'd say I am past the half and half mark, so the oatmeal/yogurt or small bagel/yogurt is beginning to be predominate. I am much more likely to be eating turkey on WW with a piece of fruit or a V8 for lunch instead of greasy burgers and fries (which also helps in the $$ department as it is so much easier to bring my lunch). I am getting 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday. I am drinking at least 10 cups of water every day.
FEELING BETTER: I am feeling better--about myself, my body, my life, and my overall situation. Even though there are still many things not where I would like them to be, the past 80 days of focusing on transformation have been very beneficial on my perspective. I may not have lost 80 pounds in 80 days. But I am 20 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, but more that the 20 pounds, I feel better about my body. I have more energy than I did, I mentally feel more lovable and real again, and overall, I appreciate all of the amazing things that my body does. I have even been taking steps to take better care of my self inside and out. I got contacts again which I wear about 1/2 the time, and I feel better when I do because I love my eyes, and I appreciate them. I got my hair cut into a totally different style last week, and I love it because it is fresh and new, not the same style I have had most of my life (I mean seriously, I have had the same hairstyle (a bob) 90% of the time since I was 5 years old with only short jumps into other styles, so this hair cut is new for me).
BETTER FRUIT: I am bearing better fruit now than I was 80 days ago. My children are happier and more at peace because I am happier and more at peace (it is amazing how that works). I am applying for real jobs again, and have regained the confidence that I need to trust myself to be able to have a real, full time, higher paying, more responsibility laden job again. And not only applying, but actually looking forward to working and having colleagues again. I trust that my kids will be okay without me having to 100% available for them at all times. My faith is increasing, and my desire to really rebuild my relationship with my God is growing. So much as happened over the past few years, and I feel like I have been walking around in the dark, bumping into things, and now I feel like I have found the light switch. My exploration of God and different spiritual and philosophical paths are coming back into an actual way of life again, rather than just something to study. I am more at peace, more joyful, more faithful, more patient, more kind, more loving, and have more self control. I am working towards being a good person in my daily walk, and re-developing the gentleness that I used to have in abundance. I feel like a tree that had been going barren for a while, but now those fruits are beginning to grow again, slowly but surely. And I have gotten into a better mental, emotional, physical,and spiritual place from which I can tend my tree of life so that it can bear strong, wholesome fruit. I can feel God again, not just knowing in my head, but knowing in my heart.
There are still may things I need to work on.
For the weight loss, I need to continue to change my habits from eating unhealthy things to eating healthy ones. I need to take on and tackle the problems I have with portion control, as that is probably one of the biggest culprits in my weight battle. I need to work on the timing of my eating as well. I need to continue to increase my physical activity levels, and add in some more muscle building and aerobic work.
For my financial health, I need to continue to find income generating opportunities, and hopefully one of the jobs that I have interviewed for will turn into a job. I also need to continue to make good financial decisions, and not let myself get swayed by others or by wants that are not needs, or wants that are not practical at the moment (I have no problem with wanting and getting what you want, but it has to be within reason given current situations).
For spiritual health, I will continue my studies and exploration of what others have found helpful and will continue to incorporate various spiritual practices into my daily life, keeping what brings me closer to God and leaving behind those which are not right for me.
For mental/emotional health, I will get back to my exploration of EFT and other tapping techniques, as they are extremely helpful in reducing stress and overcoming emotional blocks. Also, i will return to my commitment to do meditation on a daily basis, and would like to incorporate some movement and sound based techniques that I have heard are very centering.
So I hope you will continue to follow me on my next 80 days of transformative path walking. Yes I often take baby steps, and sometimes even take a coupe of steps int eh wrong direction, but overall, it is an amazing journey (at least for me).
WALKING: I am walking 1-2 miles almost every weekday, which is a huge plus all around. It helps keep the muscles in my legs feeling good, it helps strengthen my heart and lungs, it releases tension throughout my body, it uses some of my excess stored energy, it helps my body be better at using insulin, and it helps me clear my mind and have a stronger sense of peace.
BETTER FOOD CHOICES: I have cut out a significant portion of fast food from my weekly diet. For a while I was having a McD meal at least 4-5 times a week (not good health wise or $$ wise). And now I only go to the golden arches about once a month. I have been eating more yogurt and oatmeal, and less sausage egg and Cheese sandwiches. I still need to continue this transition, but it is in a good progress. I'd say I am past the half and half mark, so the oatmeal/yogurt or small bagel/yogurt is beginning to be predominate. I am much more likely to be eating turkey on WW with a piece of fruit or a V8 for lunch instead of greasy burgers and fries (which also helps in the $$ department as it is so much easier to bring my lunch). I am getting 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday. I am drinking at least 10 cups of water every day.
FEELING BETTER: I am feeling better--about myself, my body, my life, and my overall situation. Even though there are still many things not where I would like them to be, the past 80 days of focusing on transformation have been very beneficial on my perspective. I may not have lost 80 pounds in 80 days. But I am 20 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, but more that the 20 pounds, I feel better about my body. I have more energy than I did, I mentally feel more lovable and real again, and overall, I appreciate all of the amazing things that my body does. I have even been taking steps to take better care of my self inside and out. I got contacts again which I wear about 1/2 the time, and I feel better when I do because I love my eyes, and I appreciate them. I got my hair cut into a totally different style last week, and I love it because it is fresh and new, not the same style I have had most of my life (I mean seriously, I have had the same hairstyle (a bob) 90% of the time since I was 5 years old with only short jumps into other styles, so this hair cut is new for me).
BETTER FRUIT: I am bearing better fruit now than I was 80 days ago. My children are happier and more at peace because I am happier and more at peace (it is amazing how that works). I am applying for real jobs again, and have regained the confidence that I need to trust myself to be able to have a real, full time, higher paying, more responsibility laden job again. And not only applying, but actually looking forward to working and having colleagues again. I trust that my kids will be okay without me having to 100% available for them at all times. My faith is increasing, and my desire to really rebuild my relationship with my God is growing. So much as happened over the past few years, and I feel like I have been walking around in the dark, bumping into things, and now I feel like I have found the light switch. My exploration of God and different spiritual and philosophical paths are coming back into an actual way of life again, rather than just something to study. I am more at peace, more joyful, more faithful, more patient, more kind, more loving, and have more self control. I am working towards being a good person in my daily walk, and re-developing the gentleness that I used to have in abundance. I feel like a tree that had been going barren for a while, but now those fruits are beginning to grow again, slowly but surely. And I have gotten into a better mental, emotional, physical,and spiritual place from which I can tend my tree of life so that it can bear strong, wholesome fruit. I can feel God again, not just knowing in my head, but knowing in my heart.
There are still may things I need to work on.
For the weight loss, I need to continue to change my habits from eating unhealthy things to eating healthy ones. I need to take on and tackle the problems I have with portion control, as that is probably one of the biggest culprits in my weight battle. I need to work on the timing of my eating as well. I need to continue to increase my physical activity levels, and add in some more muscle building and aerobic work.
For my financial health, I need to continue to find income generating opportunities, and hopefully one of the jobs that I have interviewed for will turn into a job. I also need to continue to make good financial decisions, and not let myself get swayed by others or by wants that are not needs, or wants that are not practical at the moment (I have no problem with wanting and getting what you want, but it has to be within reason given current situations).
For spiritual health, I will continue my studies and exploration of what others have found helpful and will continue to incorporate various spiritual practices into my daily life, keeping what brings me closer to God and leaving behind those which are not right for me.
For mental/emotional health, I will get back to my exploration of EFT and other tapping techniques, as they are extremely helpful in reducing stress and overcoming emotional blocks. Also, i will return to my commitment to do meditation on a daily basis, and would like to incorporate some movement and sound based techniques that I have heard are very centering.
So I hope you will continue to follow me on my next 80 days of transformative path walking. Yes I often take baby steps, and sometimes even take a coupe of steps int eh wrong direction, but overall, it is an amazing journey (at least for me).
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Interviews, Incomes, and Ideas....
Well, I had an interview via phone today with a company out near my ex's family. it seemed to go well and I should hear by the end of the week or early next week if I am invited in for a face to face interview with the next person up the chain. If that goes well there will be a final interview with the director of that division of the company. And if that goes well, I may have a fair paying job, so a move of nearly 5 hours would have to commence and we would have to start the process of finding the right schools for the kids, and hopefully getting into an area where they are easy to work with as a team and not an "us and them" attitude school district. But anyway, I made it to the first step in a potential job process. Getting back to my career after four years away from it is an exciting possibility.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here. And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round. So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August. I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family. I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat. I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things). While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now. I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause. As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving. So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity. (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..). Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to. People, friends and family members, do it all the time. It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful). And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation. But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that?
So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels. I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for. Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue. So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it. Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.
Monday, May 23, 2011
can you really lose...
Can you really lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Well, yes, I believe anything is possible. Does that mean that I will lose 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog? No, as I am working on transformation of my whole life, not just focusing on changing that one (albeit very big and pressing) issue in my life. I am not fat because I eat too much and do not exercise enough ( that is only part of the symptoms which need to be treated along with the cause). If I were 10 or 20 pounds overweight, I might be able to just say "whoa, my eating and exercise habits are out of whack, I have to change those." and be able to get back on track.
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
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