Okay, so I have not written much in the past week. It has been an interesting one. I had a dr's appointment on Friday to go over blood work that I had done over a week before that. And the results nearly knocked me on the floor.
My A1c results (the test that gives an average of your blood sugar levels over the past three months by measuring the percentage of glycalation of your hemoglobin (how much glucose is attached to the hemoglobin)) were extremely high. 11.2% to be exact. Normal is around 5-6%, typical for someone with diabetes is around 7%, high is 8-9%. That correlates to a blood sugar reading of around 310 on average over the last 3 months, and my fasting sugar that day was 279 (normal is fasting is below 100, normal random throughout the day is below 140, diabetics should aim for below 180). overly high blood sugar is over 240, and levels over 300 are considered very dangerous. So I have been walking around with my blood sugar levels in the extremely high and dangerous range for a while, and I did not even know it. The last time I had an A1c and other blood work, my A1c was 7.1% and everything else was fine other than slightly elevated triglycerides. that was in February 2010.
Since that time my marriage had fallen apart, I walked away from a great opportunity in Rhode Island due to the afore mentioned collapse of the family, I have moved into an apartment and taken a job that I drive over 100 every day 5 days a week (for over a year, though only 3 weeks left until it is over with), I have gone through the custody process in the courts and have physical custody of my kids (with shared legal custody), I have allowed A (even though we are separated) back into our lives on a daily basis, and have been rebuilding a friendship (though not without a lot of difficulty and baggage), and I have been trying to make plans for the future with a lot of uncertainty. So some parts of my life are less stressful (my marriage was extremely stressful and the ending of that brought different stresses, but overall less stress) and some parts are more stressful (the fact that my primary source of income ends in a couple of weeks and the fact that I do not know where my relationship with A is going at this point in time--in the past week it has been a lot of ups and downs and trying to figure out if we can or even should try to put the family together again). I have been trying to get enough money incoming through freelance writing and through ads for things that I recommend on both my blog and my website, but I am not a sales person and don't want to be, so I post links to things I like and hope that others will click those links and bring in a few pennies for me. Literally, I have made $0.02 total through the ads that I share for things that I think my readers would like. So, as I have no desire to try to push people to look at things that they are not inclined to look at on their own, I don't think I will supplement my income much by my website or blog. Which is fine, I will still post links to cool things and books that I like and think others are interested in, but I know that I can not depend on it for any supplementing of my income. I have applied for a number of jobs, but they have not panned out so far. And taking a low paying job is not a viable option as I would have to pay out more in childcare costs than I could bring in, even if I broke even it would not change the situation. Having two children with moderate to severe special needs, means that I can not hire the high school kid down the street or even most adults to watch them. As it is, even family struggles to watch both of them together for short periods of time. Heck, even A struggles to have both of them alone for more than a couple of hours at a time. Because their needs are so different and both are intensive (I forget sometimes because I am just used to them), and because the sibling rivalry between them adds whole other layer of intensity, the best solutions would be to hire two different sitters, one trained to meet each other this needs, and possibly have one cared for at home and the other cared for at the sitters home. As J is an insurance liability (which I learned the last time I tried to work full time and put him in a day care center) finding care for him is very hard, and G has massive behavioural issues with peers which make it difficult for him to be in a group setting (hence the fact that he is in an 8:1:2 self-contained classroom and still needs a 1:1 aide just to go to school (8 kids, one teacher, two aides 8:1:2) and free time (unstructured without clear instructions for what he should do--like recess and lunch) are his hardest times of all. It makes me miss Becky, our favorite babysitter from when we lived in our house. She was a Masters student a the college, studying special ed--focusing a lot on autism and she herself had cerebral palsy--so she understood and knew how to handle both boys very well. But alas she graduated and is a great teacher in an autism classroom now about 2 1/2 hours away (from here and from our old house), and we left our old house to renters (who paid one month rent and then lived rent free for over 6 months before I was able to evict them, and they trashed the house in the process, knowing that if they did not pays rent we could not pay the mortgage, and by trashing it, made it impossible to rent to someone else was we did not have the funds to repair the extent of damage they did--so it is in foreclosure proceedings sadly).
Anyway, back to my lab results. Stress is one of the primary causes leading to high blood sugar. Being overweight puts a great deal of stress on the body, and them adding emotional and financial stress, pushed the body beyond what it can handle. So as the past few years have been fraught with high, high levels of stress, and the past year in particular has been stressful. Coupled with being overweight since my teens and not watching what I eat or exercising enough when things get stressful (being a stress eater--the more stressed I am the more I eat...) well, it has not boded well for my health. So I as mentioned before, I watched that movie "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" recently and felt inspired to get more fresh vegetable food into my diet, and have started drinking green smoothies. As a diabetic I can not do the juicing. Maybe once my blood sugar levels are normal, then I plan on doing a juice fast as portrayed, but until them, I can still do the smoothies and add lots of nutritious vegetables to my body in a drinkable way. But when I saw it originally, I could identify with the FAT part of the title, but the sick and nearly dead parts of the title I just wasn't feeling. However when I got my blood test results:
A1c 11.2%
Cholesterol 218 (a little high, but as I have NEVER had cholesterol issues it is shocking to me)
LDL-144 (too high)
HDL-40 (too low)
Triglycerides 184 (too high)
and 2 of my liver enzymes were just slightly past the top of the high range.
My blood pressure, heart rate, and all my kidney and other tests were fine.
When I saw the results, I suddenly identified with the WHOLE title of that Movie. Thought, Oh my gosh, now I know what it feels like to feel "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (well okay that one is an exaggeration, but I could actually see the path leading to that, which is as far as I want to go).
So, I was more than willing to go on pharmaceuticals in addition to making some immediate changes in my lifestyle and eating. So on Saturday I started on Metformin 500mg 2x daily, and enapril once a day (to protect the kidneys as with that much sugar running through them can cause a lot of damage). I began tracking my foods in Spark People again. And am taking my blood sugar readings twice a day. The big thing is getting it below 300 and keeping it below 300 (that is step one, getting it below 240 is step two, and then getting it below 200 is step three, after that pushing it down to normal ranges is the ultimate goal, but transitions--quick transitions as this is what I consider an emergency situation). I was told not to check my fasting sugar as we already know it is really high. What I need to do it to check my sugar 1-2 hours after a meal and keep track of what pushes my sugar up and what brings it down, as each person is different, and your body reacts differently at different time of day, so over the next three months, I need to closely record my food intake, glucose levels, and activities to determine what food I can have when and what ones I need to avoid and when. I have my basic dietary guidelines from the diabetes educator, and my doctor told me to try eating a healthy cereal with milk in the morning rather than my typical sausage eggs and cheese sandwich. I forgot to check my levels Saturday.
Sunday I had a bowl of Special K cereal with milk. Two hours later I checked my sugar and it was 380!!!!. For lunch I had a turkey sandwich on WW bread. For a snack I had a green smoothie. For dinner we had a hamburger cooked on the grill (with a WW bun), some vegetarian baked beans, a couple of chips (I know I should not have), and a hot dog (no bun). I went for a nearly two hour hike around my Dad's property, with my Dad, A, Gonz, and Jos (mainly carried Jos either on my shoulders or just a front carry (he can't do a side carry on the hip as his hips do not open far enough). We were looking for a place for me to build a lean-to, which the building guy at the town clerks office said I did not need a permit for and told me the zoning distances I needed to stay within. I want a nice camping place for me and the kids that we can tailor to Josiah's physical needs and to Gonzo's need for clear boundaries. As much as we loved going down to Garnet Lake and tent camping, there were some things (like massive hills and very uneven rocky paths to get to the camp site, not to mention a road between the campsite and the lake) that made it difficult for us. So we got quite a bit of exercise that day.
I did not get around to checking my blood sugar again until late evening and it was still at 345. So I had two hard boiled eggs as a snack (high protein no carbs) and started to look for ways to quickly lower blood sugar, and did some of the water drinking and breathing exercises (breathing helps relax your body which reduces stress and thus allows blood sugar to function more normally). Before I went to bed 45 minutes later, my sugar was down to 295--yeah breathing and water. So Monday, having learned that too many carbs for breakfast was a BAD thing for my body, I ate sausage, egg , and cheese but only used the thin half of an english muffin, and had coffee with just cream, no sugar or sweetener, and just water. Then I went for my 45 minute walk around the pond. When I got to the library, I checked my blood sugar (1.5 hours after finishing breakfast) and it was 193!!! A HUGE drop. Protein works for me in the morning. I had sliced turkey for lunch (no bread) and a grapefruit. For snack after school I had bought a coconut as Josiah has been wanting a coconut for some reason, so we had a coconut for snack. IT was from a discount food place, and old, and not as tasty as I remember fresh coconut being. So not a good intro for him to fresh coconut that we had to break the shell to get. But that was my snack. Dinner was a stir fry with broccoli, cabbage, yellow squash, carrots, celery, onion, garlic, and black beans with spices and vinegar. Then I did a boo-boo, I ate a piece of Digorno's pizza that A had picked up for the kids. I really should not have as it pushed my carbs over what they were supposed to be for the day. When I took my sugar after dinner though it was 262, so not great but under the 300 mark that I am aiming for this week.
Last night was an interesting night with A, which I will not go into on here, but it definitely added a lot for me to think about, that of course adds stress. A part of me would love for our family to be together again, and I really would love to try and have a biological baby and go through pregnancy and care for a baby right from conception. I love my kids, and always planned on having three kids total. So it was always part of the plan, it was just that adoption ended up being the first path we took, as there are so many kids waiting for families. But I still want to have one child from my own body. Which with the fact that I am almost 37, am still very overweight (thus greatly increasing chance of miscarriage), and now with my sugar issues--makes that possibility even lower. Add in the broken family and the idea that A and I might NOT be able to reform a family, well, it is a hard thing to let go of. I know that our relationship has not been healthy, and that A is not that much different now than 3 years ago, which is when A had picked up the bottle again, and has not put it down. I actually had a couple of drinks with A for the first time over the past week--Mike' Hard Lemonade. That was nice, but weird. As I don't drink often, but every once in a while will have a glass of while or a margarita, or a Mike's Lemonade (seems popular in my family these days), I have never had a drink with A. A was in recovery when we met, and one of the things we did was no alcohol in the house. I had no problem with that as a six pack of my favorite beer (I am very picky, as gross beer is just, well, gross) would take me a year to drink. I know that from a time before A when my best friend had brought me a six pack of my favorite beer (which I had trouble finding when I moved from that area) and it was nearly a year later when I had the last one with my brother in law. So, yeah, having a drink with A was weird, as for so long A tried to hide (unsuccessfully) the relapse in 2008, and then after my mother in law died, just crawled back into the bottle in 2009, and then after detox, and when I thought we were moving forward went back into the lying and hiding mode of drinking in 2010, which was when I decided I couldn't live that way any longer (lots more went on of course, but that is a bit of a nutshell pertinent to todays post, see a much earlier post for more explanation (from mid-March)). Lately A has been more moderate in drinking, a few beers a day or so. And behaving mostly. So when offered a Mike's I said Okay. but that actually, after typing it all out, really is a side bar that does not have much to do with what I was talking about, so I suppose I did not need to include it. I'll leave it anyway.
Point is, no matter how stressful life is, I need to make changes NOW to ensure a better future. More than ever before, I know I need to make some major changes, one of which has got to be in my eating/exercise habits. The other biggie has got to be in my levels of stress. Perhaps, after really realizing last night that while I love A, A is the other parent of my children, I am not IN LOVE with A, at all. I have said it for a while, but a part of me always just thought that I was still in love, that that spark was still there somewhere, that it was something that maybe could be rekindled and we could overcome all of the crap that has happened over the past few years. But the spark has gone out, and that actually makes me quite sad. And it's not like A's behavior and daily living has altered in a away that makes me want to try to light a new spark. There has been little transformation on that end, and I want a partner not another child, but with A I feel like I have another child rather than an equal adult partner in my life. And that has not changed. Most of the things that I did not like about A are still there, and only a few of the things that I fell in love with in the first place have survived the events of the past few years. Sure, maybe someday A will turn around, maybe someday the person I met will return, or a transformed person will emerge. But maybe not. It took my mother over 10 years to really recover from the death of her mother (and her daughter, grandmother and father--all in a 5 year period). And as my father says, when you lose a parent or a child, or anyone you love, you don't get over it. It leaves a hole in your heart. You just have to learn how to live with that hole. It is what I have called finding a new normal. Anytime there is a major life event (birth/adoption, death, loss of job, new job, moving, etc...) it takes time to find a new normal. I almost had found a new normal last fall before A returned. Now I feel like we are floundering around again. Part of it is the uncertainty of the future, most poignantly the uncertainty of income. They boys disability subsidies will still come each month to help offset the inherent issues in raising children with special needs (like the inability to work full time), but it is not really enough to live on unless I move back into the trailer, which needs SO much work (even though we already put a lot of work into it), or to move in with my Dad, which has its own set of issues, not the least of which is the fact that A lives there and I am not really ready to live with A again.
So anyway, my life of transformation seems to have a lot of areas that need to be transformed....
Showing posts with label Weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Transitions....not instant flips....
While there is a part of me that would love to say that this past week has been filled with a diet of only whole, plant based food and that I am on top of the world, alas, I can not. I have never really been one of those people that can grab an idea for habit change and immediately go on a fad diet and lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks and 60 pounds in 3 months. Though, most of those people that I know who can do that, after the three months is over, gradually go back to their old habits and gain back all of the weight they lost plus some.
So, this is more about who I am. I am a slow changer. Change does not scare me and I am not actually resistant to change (some people are, but I don't mind change). I am however a creature of habit, and while not afraid of or resistant to change, I find that having the tools I need to get out of the well ingrained ruts is a challenge. So, rather than beating myself up about the fact that last week I decided I was going to stop in my tracks and go green, whole foods all the way, and then not being able to do that, I am going to be more reasonable and hope that the current approach will work better for true lasting change. So I am building ladders out of the ruts, instead of trying to springboard up the side of the ravine and tumbling back down. So I am adding good habits while decreasing bad habits, replacing them. Jumping form a bad habit to a good habit does not work for me--it would be like asking a TV addict to just shut off the TV without giving them the tools to fill that time with something else. So they would be sitting there staring at an empty screen, which would not bode well for being able to break the TV addiction. SO I am shifting my consciousness, my subconscious, and my daily living habits from patterns that are not so good to patterns that are more life affirming. I have been on a road to transformation for quite some time now and this is just another step, another transition is the very important process of a life in transformation.
My affair with green smoothies is becoming a real relationship now. I am drinking one a day (and two on a couple of days) and I LOVE it. I have more energy, my body feels freer, and my mind is clearer. Getting plant based food--raw, whole, fresh green, red, yellow, orange food into me in good quantities on a daily basis has helped increase my overall sense of well being. I have been starting my day off blending a nice green smoothie. I have been experimenting some, like varying what greens, fruit and other veggies I put in and in what quantities. My favorite two so far are:
KCA: (makes 1 1/2 to 2 smoothies)
1 handful of Kale (4-6 leaves)
1/4 Cantaloupe
1 apple
1/2 cucumber
2-3 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
7-14 grams Spirulina
1 tbs Flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
KMC: (makes 2 1/2-3 smoothies)
2 handfuls Kale (8-12 leaves)
1 Mango
1 Cucumber
2 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
14 grams Spirulina
2 tbs flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8-12 oz water
My least favorite two were:
blended salad:
4 large romaine leaves
1 tomato
1 cucumber
1/2 green pepper
2 carrots (peeled)
1 tbs dressing
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(YUCK!!!!--better to just sit down and enjoy the salad which is very tasty, but blended into a drinkable form--shudder{{}})
KRC:
1 handful Kale leaves
4 Romaine leaves
1/4 cantaloupe
2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1/4 pineapple
7 grams spirulina
1 tbs flax seed
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(it was palatable, but not enjoyable, and not something I want to repeat)
Over all, I have found that too much romaine lettuce is a bad choice--it is too bitter. Though I have included 2 leaves with at least twice as much Kale and other ingredients and had a fine smoothie. Pineapple is okay in some smoothies, but not in others. I have only tried tomato twice and it was in both of the ones I did not like, so I am still unsure on tomato as a smoothie ingredient. But they are yummy to just eat, so maybe I don't need to keep tyring. Carrots are okay in certain combinations, but use just one, not two (unless they are small). And apple and Kale and celery are a great combination--those three seem to be able to support a wide range of additional ingredients. Mango and cantaloupe are two other base fruits that have worked REALLY well. I am going to be sad when they are out of season and thus are cost prohibitive. But for now, the sales are great and the fruit plentiful.
So now, you may be wondering if my kids have gotten on this kick--well not so much. they like an all fruit smoothie--especially if I put a little ice cream in it for them. I am being a mean mama and making them have a bit of spirulina in juice every day (like 1 gram spirulina in 2 oz juice) and take it like medicine, because the micro nutrient value is so important, and I want them to benefit for the great abundance of micro nutrients in spirulina (which is a natural blue green algae often eaten in the tropics--very nutritious and a taste that grows on you (I now LOVE it in my smoothie and feel its lack if I do not put it in).
BUT the smoothie is not the only thing that I have done to add whole plant based food to out diet as a more prominent contender in meals. I am in the transition of considering vegetables a side dish to considering them the most vital part of the meal. Twice this past week I made the best stir fry in the world--I made it first last Tuesday, and could not stop thinking about it the next couple of days, so I made it again on Friday before we went to the circus.
World's best Stir Fry:
1/2 large eggplant (cubed)
1/4 large head of cabbage (cubed or shredded)
1 small-medium zucchini (cubed)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into bites size slices (wide))
2 celery stalks (cut in bite sized chunks)
1 small head of broccoli (cut into bite sized trees)
1 clove fresh garlic, diced fine
1 tbs dried onion flakes (I did not have any fresh onion)
a shake of mixed herbs (oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme)
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1-2 tbs extra virgin oil
1 cup water (added as necessary)
I heated the oil on medium to medium-low heat for a few minutes, then added the diced garlic. Let simmer for 1-2 minutes. Add carrots and coat evenly (if you have fresh mushrooms, which sadly I did not, add them now too). Let simmer with occasional stirring for 3-5 minutes, add onion flakes and other herbs/spices (if using whole onion add it right after the garlic) add egg plant, broccoli and zucchini. Coat evenly, add 1/4 cup of water or so. simmer another 3-5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add remaining vegetables and 1/4 cup of water. Mix and let simmer 3-5 minutes. Add vinegar and 1/4 cup water and stir. Let simmer for another 3-5 minutes. Serve hot.
While that was cooking I sauteed some frozen scallops and shrimp in a little oil with garlic and taragon leaves and a dash of vinegar and a little water.
I served both pans hot and without a major carb (the kids had been munching on crackers and M&M's so the need for a carb was not really there--Friday we did have brown rice with it for the kids, though I did not eat the rice).
It was the most delectable stir fry I have had in a long time. Just writing about it makes my mouth water. Next time I will make sure I have both fresh onion and fresh mushrooms to make it even better.
As for other meals we had last week--well, Wednesday we had box macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and green beans. Thursday we had pan fried talapia fish fillets (fried with just a touch of oil and some fresh garlic and taragon), brown rice, and salad. Friday we had the stir fry and then ate a bunch of over prices junk food (cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, soda) at the circus. Saturday can't remember what we had--I know there was corned beef hash and eggs for lunch, but I am drawing as total blank on dinner. Wait, I remember! A picked up some fresh shaved ham at the deli and we had ham sandwiches on whole wheat bread with American cheese lettuce and tomato, and potato chips and grapes on the side. Sunday we had sausage, eggs and toast for lunch (the kids are fruit and ready to eat cereal breakfast eaters--habits from leaving the house on a one hour car ride to school each morning with a baggie of dry cereal, a baggie of grapes or berries or apple slices (if we have them), and spill proof cup of either milk or juice--so other breakfast foods become lunch specials). For dinner we had chicken breast cooked on the grill, potatoes (cooked wrapped in foil in the charcoal) and salad.
Yesterday I woke up late and had to rush to get the kids to school. We stressed out and did not have time to make a smoothie. So did I make a good choice and go to the grocery store, NO. Instead I want to McDonald's and got a Sausage mcMuffim with Egg meal. Then grabbed a premade hot chicken sandwich from Stewarts for lunch with an apple. Not the best choices. For dinner we made burgers on the grill, and I used buns (which I rarely do), and had chips and salad and corn on the cob bought from a local farm stand.
So as you can see, it is a slow transition. I am including what I have been eating to let others know that they are not alone in the difficult trek from unhealth to health.
My commitment is to add more healthy choices to my lifestyle, more whole foods, more raw veggies, more plant based food, and get away from refined and processed foods, grain and meat focused ways of eating.
I have been feeling the need fro more protein in the morning after my smoothie so I have added 1-2 hard boiled eggs as a mid-morning snack. Lunch has been a chef salad (premade from Cumberland Farms if I did not get a chance to make it at home), and some seeds or sometimes some whole wheat crackers if I feel the need for it. I have been drinking too much iced coffee with sugar, so I am going to cut the sugar out and maybe cut out the iced coffee eventually. I love iced tea, which I drink black anyway, so that is an easy switch as long as I remember to make it the night before. Of course, I am still drinking 8-12 cups of ice cold water every day. And most days I walk 1-2 miles.
So, since I started this blog in March, there are already some good habits that are truly becoming ingrained habits. And my life is still a life in transformation. I had blood work taken last Friday, so I will be able to see kind of a baseline of where I am at the beginning of this trek into eating a more Nutrient Rich focus. I have been spending time on Dr. Furhman's website and am going to be checking his book out of the library that details more about Nutrient dense foods. "Eat to Live" By Joel Furhman, if anyone wants to join me in reading this book. Hi site is really informative, and I saw him first on the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" which still just inspires me so much to changing my habits and living a better life.
So, this is more about who I am. I am a slow changer. Change does not scare me and I am not actually resistant to change (some people are, but I don't mind change). I am however a creature of habit, and while not afraid of or resistant to change, I find that having the tools I need to get out of the well ingrained ruts is a challenge. So, rather than beating myself up about the fact that last week I decided I was going to stop in my tracks and go green, whole foods all the way, and then not being able to do that, I am going to be more reasonable and hope that the current approach will work better for true lasting change. So I am building ladders out of the ruts, instead of trying to springboard up the side of the ravine and tumbling back down. So I am adding good habits while decreasing bad habits, replacing them. Jumping form a bad habit to a good habit does not work for me--it would be like asking a TV addict to just shut off the TV without giving them the tools to fill that time with something else. So they would be sitting there staring at an empty screen, which would not bode well for being able to break the TV addiction. SO I am shifting my consciousness, my subconscious, and my daily living habits from patterns that are not so good to patterns that are more life affirming. I have been on a road to transformation for quite some time now and this is just another step, another transition is the very important process of a life in transformation.
My affair with green smoothies is becoming a real relationship now. I am drinking one a day (and two on a couple of days) and I LOVE it. I have more energy, my body feels freer, and my mind is clearer. Getting plant based food--raw, whole, fresh green, red, yellow, orange food into me in good quantities on a daily basis has helped increase my overall sense of well being. I have been starting my day off blending a nice green smoothie. I have been experimenting some, like varying what greens, fruit and other veggies I put in and in what quantities. My favorite two so far are:
KCA: (makes 1 1/2 to 2 smoothies)
1 handful of Kale (4-6 leaves)
1/4 Cantaloupe
1 apple
1/2 cucumber
2-3 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
7-14 grams Spirulina
1 tbs Flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
KMC: (makes 2 1/2-3 smoothies)
2 handfuls Kale (8-12 leaves)
1 Mango
1 Cucumber
2 celery stalks
1/2 lemon
14 grams Spirulina
2 tbs flax seeds
4-5 ice cubes
8-12 oz water
My least favorite two were:
blended salad:
4 large romaine leaves
1 tomato
1 cucumber
1/2 green pepper
2 carrots (peeled)
1 tbs dressing
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(YUCK!!!!--better to just sit down and enjoy the salad which is very tasty, but blended into a drinkable form--shudder{{}})
KRC:
1 handful Kale leaves
4 Romaine leaves
1/4 cantaloupe
2 celery stalks
1/2 cucumber
1 tomato
1/4 pineapple
7 grams spirulina
1 tbs flax seed
4-5 ice cubes
8 oz water
(it was palatable, but not enjoyable, and not something I want to repeat)
Over all, I have found that too much romaine lettuce is a bad choice--it is too bitter. Though I have included 2 leaves with at least twice as much Kale and other ingredients and had a fine smoothie. Pineapple is okay in some smoothies, but not in others. I have only tried tomato twice and it was in both of the ones I did not like, so I am still unsure on tomato as a smoothie ingredient. But they are yummy to just eat, so maybe I don't need to keep tyring. Carrots are okay in certain combinations, but use just one, not two (unless they are small). And apple and Kale and celery are a great combination--those three seem to be able to support a wide range of additional ingredients. Mango and cantaloupe are two other base fruits that have worked REALLY well. I am going to be sad when they are out of season and thus are cost prohibitive. But for now, the sales are great and the fruit plentiful.
So now, you may be wondering if my kids have gotten on this kick--well not so much. they like an all fruit smoothie--especially if I put a little ice cream in it for them. I am being a mean mama and making them have a bit of spirulina in juice every day (like 1 gram spirulina in 2 oz juice) and take it like medicine, because the micro nutrient value is so important, and I want them to benefit for the great abundance of micro nutrients in spirulina (which is a natural blue green algae often eaten in the tropics--very nutritious and a taste that grows on you (I now LOVE it in my smoothie and feel its lack if I do not put it in).
BUT the smoothie is not the only thing that I have done to add whole plant based food to out diet as a more prominent contender in meals. I am in the transition of considering vegetables a side dish to considering them the most vital part of the meal. Twice this past week I made the best stir fry in the world--I made it first last Tuesday, and could not stop thinking about it the next couple of days, so I made it again on Friday before we went to the circus.
World's best Stir Fry:
1/2 large eggplant (cubed)
1/4 large head of cabbage (cubed or shredded)
1 small-medium zucchini (cubed)
3 carrots (peeled and cut into bites size slices (wide))
2 celery stalks (cut in bite sized chunks)
1 small head of broccoli (cut into bite sized trees)
1 clove fresh garlic, diced fine
1 tbs dried onion flakes (I did not have any fresh onion)
a shake of mixed herbs (oregano, basil, rosemary, thyme)
2 tbs apple cider vinegar
1-2 tbs extra virgin oil
1 cup water (added as necessary)
I heated the oil on medium to medium-low heat for a few minutes, then added the diced garlic. Let simmer for 1-2 minutes. Add carrots and coat evenly (if you have fresh mushrooms, which sadly I did not, add them now too). Let simmer with occasional stirring for 3-5 minutes, add onion flakes and other herbs/spices (if using whole onion add it right after the garlic) add egg plant, broccoli and zucchini. Coat evenly, add 1/4 cup of water or so. simmer another 3-5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add remaining vegetables and 1/4 cup of water. Mix and let simmer 3-5 minutes. Add vinegar and 1/4 cup water and stir. Let simmer for another 3-5 minutes. Serve hot.
While that was cooking I sauteed some frozen scallops and shrimp in a little oil with garlic and taragon leaves and a dash of vinegar and a little water.
I served both pans hot and without a major carb (the kids had been munching on crackers and M&M's so the need for a carb was not really there--Friday we did have brown rice with it for the kids, though I did not eat the rice).
It was the most delectable stir fry I have had in a long time. Just writing about it makes my mouth water. Next time I will make sure I have both fresh onion and fresh mushrooms to make it even better.
As for other meals we had last week--well, Wednesday we had box macaroni and cheese with hot dogs and green beans. Thursday we had pan fried talapia fish fillets (fried with just a touch of oil and some fresh garlic and taragon), brown rice, and salad. Friday we had the stir fry and then ate a bunch of over prices junk food (cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, soda) at the circus. Saturday can't remember what we had--I know there was corned beef hash and eggs for lunch, but I am drawing as total blank on dinner. Wait, I remember! A picked up some fresh shaved ham at the deli and we had ham sandwiches on whole wheat bread with American cheese lettuce and tomato, and potato chips and grapes on the side. Sunday we had sausage, eggs and toast for lunch (the kids are fruit and ready to eat cereal breakfast eaters--habits from leaving the house on a one hour car ride to school each morning with a baggie of dry cereal, a baggie of grapes or berries or apple slices (if we have them), and spill proof cup of either milk or juice--so other breakfast foods become lunch specials). For dinner we had chicken breast cooked on the grill, potatoes (cooked wrapped in foil in the charcoal) and salad.
Yesterday I woke up late and had to rush to get the kids to school. We stressed out and did not have time to make a smoothie. So did I make a good choice and go to the grocery store, NO. Instead I want to McDonald's and got a Sausage mcMuffim with Egg meal. Then grabbed a premade hot chicken sandwich from Stewarts for lunch with an apple. Not the best choices. For dinner we made burgers on the grill, and I used buns (which I rarely do), and had chips and salad and corn on the cob bought from a local farm stand.
So as you can see, it is a slow transition. I am including what I have been eating to let others know that they are not alone in the difficult trek from unhealth to health.
My commitment is to add more healthy choices to my lifestyle, more whole foods, more raw veggies, more plant based food, and get away from refined and processed foods, grain and meat focused ways of eating.
I have been feeling the need fro more protein in the morning after my smoothie so I have added 1-2 hard boiled eggs as a mid-morning snack. Lunch has been a chef salad (premade from Cumberland Farms if I did not get a chance to make it at home), and some seeds or sometimes some whole wheat crackers if I feel the need for it. I have been drinking too much iced coffee with sugar, so I am going to cut the sugar out and maybe cut out the iced coffee eventually. I love iced tea, which I drink black anyway, so that is an easy switch as long as I remember to make it the night before. Of course, I am still drinking 8-12 cups of ice cold water every day. And most days I walk 1-2 miles.
So, since I started this blog in March, there are already some good habits that are truly becoming ingrained habits. And my life is still a life in transformation. I had blood work taken last Friday, so I will be able to see kind of a baseline of where I am at the beginning of this trek into eating a more Nutrient Rich focus. I have been spending time on Dr. Furhman's website and am going to be checking his book out of the library that details more about Nutrient dense foods. "Eat to Live" By Joel Furhman, if anyone wants to join me in reading this book. Hi site is really informative, and I saw him first on the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" which still just inspires me so much to changing my habits and living a better life.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I'm NOT "so tired..."
Have you ever had one of those self-conversations that you have out of habit? You know, where you talk to yourself in your head about something? And you have the same thing to say everyday? Okay, so...
I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing. And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:
{sit down} "whew! Ahh. <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."
I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it. And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....
I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...
Well, there is something that is new. That is a step in the right direction.
In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day. But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen. So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction. I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly. Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress. After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?
I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago. But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).
So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week. My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...). So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well). On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it. So they passed on a brand new blender to me. You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out. I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits. But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.
Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party. Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years. She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won. She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs. The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more. Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances. So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group. So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig. They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency. They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end. It was a great night.
A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...). So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed. I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up. It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me. As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a ride home with A. So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds). By then it was around 11:15pm. I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late). I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep. (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going).
So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted. I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it. It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again. Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me. To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment).
It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing. I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life. If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea. If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes. It is time to reboot my life. While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes). So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables. And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.
So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit. (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping). Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up. It was tastier than I thought it would be. I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them. I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong). the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.
It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner. I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while.
I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body. For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans. No canned food. No processed foods. No meat or dairy. Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground. While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body. I plan to very rarely have processed foods again. And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too. While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again. So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets. I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been. I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...
So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina
I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower. As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier). It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty. I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.
I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit. When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.
so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation. Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....
I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing. And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:
{sit down} "whew! Ahh. <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."
I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it. And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....
I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...
Well, there is something that is new. That is a step in the right direction.
In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day. But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen. So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction. I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly. Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress. After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?
I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago. But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).
So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week. My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...). So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well). On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it. So they passed on a brand new blender to me. You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out. I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits. But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.
Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party. Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years. She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won. She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs. The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more. Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances. So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group. So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig. They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency. They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end. It was a great night.
A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...). So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed. I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up. It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me. As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a ride home with A. So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds). By then it was around 11:15pm. I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late). I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep. (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going).
So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted. I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it. It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again. Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me. To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment).
It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing. I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life. If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea. If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes. It is time to reboot my life. While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes). So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables. And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.
So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit. (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping). Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up. It was tastier than I thought it would be. I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them. I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong). the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.
It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner. I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while.
I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body. For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans. No canned food. No processed foods. No meat or dairy. Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground. While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body. I plan to very rarely have processed foods again. And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too. While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again. So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets. I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been. I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...
So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina
I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower. As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier). It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty. I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.
I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit. When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.
so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation. Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....
Monday, June 27, 2011
The first official day of summer vacation for the boys...
So today is the first official week of summer vacation for the kids. Well, they actually start summer school on July 5th for 6 weeks, but summer programing is more camp-like than the regular school year. So this morning we ran errands--We had to go over to the health department to get fill out my monthly transportation time card so I can get paid for June. While we were there, the boys chatted with their Grandma (My mom works for the health department nursing service in their IT department), and we bumped into the WIC program person. She had some bike helmets still from the early June bike helmet give away and so the boys got fitted for new bike helmets, which is great as they outgrew theirs last year. Now I just need to get G a new bike, as his was crunched under the trailer's porch when it collapsed under the weight of the snow this winter. J's tricycle was unharmed luckily as it was at the apartment. So now G needs a new (used) bike. I was going to go down to the transfer center where there is a little building where people can drop off items that are still good that they just don't want anymore. Hopefully there will be a kids bike there. We will have to wait until Thursday though as we just didn't make it there today, as they are closed tomorrow and Wendnesday.
Anyway, after leaving the county building with my card filled out and turned in, and carrying their new bike helmets, we then headed over to the post office. I finally got another letter from the IRS, and it was good news. The finished their minor audit/review and will be releasing my refund in 2-3 weeks. So HUGE sigh of relief as I have been waiting on that refund (which is larger than normal) for a few months now. As I did not get that jobI had ben in the running for (and no other applications have panned out), this refund is going to be used to pay our living expenses ahead a couple of months to give me more time to generate a way to bring in an income, as the transportation is done once summer school ends. Jos is going to regular, main stream kindergarten in September, and both boys will be transported by bus. SO I have a couple more months to get a couple more writing gigs that pay money and are somewhat stable, and find other ways to fill in the gaps. I could do a money making blog, but I really just like doing this blog, which is kind of like public journaling but with more self-control. I will have to think about how to do a secondary blog if I decide to use it to generate an income. I have a few idea of ways to incorporate more income generating things into my website (powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com), but I am unsure how much I want to focus on generating an income that way, as I enjoy sharing things on that website that mean things to me without the added pressure of making money. While I do have a few affiliate links, they are only for things that I really like and want to share, and some of my links on there have no affiliate kickback whatsoever. I just like to share things that I have found useful on my journey. Perhaps focusing on more articles and promoting the website more will generate some semblance of a useful income. Then there is always the books in progress, but those often take a long time even once finished to get published and start making an income from. I am not too worried, I will come up with something, God always provides, this is something that I know from experience., and the refund to pay ahead is going to reduce stress greatly in the daily living expenses area.
Anyway, after the post office we stopped over at Community Action to get a food box. I am worried that next week we will be hard pressed on gas money to get the kids to their programming, as it is another one of those 5 weeks between paychecks months (darn months with 5 Thursdays, they mess up my budgeting). So I am trying to stretch the funds I have to make it through the 8th. At least I don't have to drive this week, but I do need enough for next week's 400 miles of driving necessity. So we again made use of the food pantry. They were very low on food today though, I was surprised. but then again the economy is not bouncing back very well and here, where summer tourism drives the economy, people are just starting on the summer season. So I imagine there were a number of families that still needed it this month. It is also the end of the month, so pickings get slim as you get nearer to their restocking day. I look forward to when I can give donations again to them again instead of having to be the recipient.
After that we came home and I put a patch on their blow up pool thingy, then we spent a couple hours of fun with the hose and filling the little pool in the back yard. The patch does not seem to be holding very well, but that's okay. I borrowed a hand pump from my former neighbor to blow it up. At some point I want to find an electric air pump, which will make it easier to inflate every day. Time to check the free section of craigslist for both a bike for G and an air pump. I miss the freecycle community from the Ithaca area, what an amazingly active group that was. I both got and gave a great many things through freecyle. But alas, this very rural area does not really lend itself to an active freecyle list. Anyway, the kids had a blast in the kiddie pool, splashing and spraying with the hose. They played in the water quite a bit longer than I thought they would, as the hose is COLD water. But they had a lot of fun. We came in and got dry clothes on, and then the kids watched a video and ate some food.
A mother woodpecker ran into the window and stunned herself. She has a nest of babies in the woods on the other side of the driveway, and boy are those baby's LOUD. She and the father woodpecker work tirelessly bringing food back to the whole in the tree for the little ones. I am not sure how many, as the nest is in a hole in a broken off tree and is over 15 feet up the trunk. I just know that they are loud and the mother is always collecting food for them. They have quieted down over the past couple of days, so they must be getting bigger. Anyway, she was going after a green moth and hit the window hard. We went out to protect her from the dog and cat, who were both interested in getting a closer look. She was stunned but after a few minutes she came around, and was more alert. Nothing appeared broken, and she was not bleeding anywhere. After another few minutes she flew up to hang on the porch ceiling. Then a while after that she flew away. I was glad the kids could see the bird get better. The other day we came home to a dead robin in the same spot. His neck was broken when he ran into the window, the poor little dear.
It is now nearly 5:00. The kids are playing video games, and I was working on entering my food journal for the day. I know I originally started this blog with food journalling, but I got away from them and less consistent in my journalling. I decided to start food journaling in a way that game me more concrete information without having to do a lot of digging. So I starting using Spark People and now I am getting better at keeping track of my food because it gives you a lot of nutritional info tracking as well as calorie tracking and carb, fat, and protein gram tracking. I can even track my glucose levels and water intake, as well as fitness if I can figure that part out. So if you want to follow my food tracking and weight loss, it is on http://my.sparkpeople.com/truthfrees
I had gained back a few pounds from my initial weight loss that I started tracking with this blog, but since I started tracking again last week, I have lost over 5 pounds. So that is a good thing. I definitely have found keeping track of everything you eat makes a huge difference. I also am focused right now on keeping my calories down to around 2000 a day, with the hope that after that becomes the norm in a couple of weeks, I will then focus on the 1800 calorie limit my doctor would like for me. My pre-breakfast glucose levels have also been going down. Though I forgot to take my herbal and alternative supplements yesterday and I saw a rise in my glucose for this morning, so it seems my combination of supplements is having an effect. My doctor is willing to let me try this method for a few months, and if it shows good results, she may be less pressuring about being on certain pharmaceutical meds that I do not like the idea of being on. I told her that if I can not get it under control with diet, exercise and supplements (like cinnamon--that yummy stuff you put on your oatmeal and in cookies, and garlic--another amazingly flavorful food with great medicinal benefit), then I will go on the pharma meds.
Well, at some point I will get back to the story of how life changed when Jos came homes, which I had
started here : Thinking...Part 4
But alas it has taken me nearly two hours to write this post as I have been stopping and doing things with the boys, and dealing with the sibling rivalry issues that are rampant in my house. As well as swinging Jos and tickling the boys, and being silly, not to mention the bird thing and just other things that have popped up since I started this post. So I should end it and start thinking about making dinner...
Anyway, after leaving the county building with my card filled out and turned in, and carrying their new bike helmets, we then headed over to the post office. I finally got another letter from the IRS, and it was good news. The finished their minor audit/review and will be releasing my refund in 2-3 weeks. So HUGE sigh of relief as I have been waiting on that refund (which is larger than normal) for a few months now. As I did not get that jobI had ben in the running for (and no other applications have panned out), this refund is going to be used to pay our living expenses ahead a couple of months to give me more time to generate a way to bring in an income, as the transportation is done once summer school ends. Jos is going to regular, main stream kindergarten in September, and both boys will be transported by bus. SO I have a couple more months to get a couple more writing gigs that pay money and are somewhat stable, and find other ways to fill in the gaps. I could do a money making blog, but I really just like doing this blog, which is kind of like public journaling but with more self-control. I will have to think about how to do a secondary blog if I decide to use it to generate an income. I have a few idea of ways to incorporate more income generating things into my website (powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com), but I am unsure how much I want to focus on generating an income that way, as I enjoy sharing things on that website that mean things to me without the added pressure of making money. While I do have a few affiliate links, they are only for things that I really like and want to share, and some of my links on there have no affiliate kickback whatsoever. I just like to share things that I have found useful on my journey. Perhaps focusing on more articles and promoting the website more will generate some semblance of a useful income. Then there is always the books in progress, but those often take a long time even once finished to get published and start making an income from. I am not too worried, I will come up with something, God always provides, this is something that I know from experience., and the refund to pay ahead is going to reduce stress greatly in the daily living expenses area.
Anyway, after the post office we stopped over at Community Action to get a food box. I am worried that next week we will be hard pressed on gas money to get the kids to their programming, as it is another one of those 5 weeks between paychecks months (darn months with 5 Thursdays, they mess up my budgeting). So I am trying to stretch the funds I have to make it through the 8th. At least I don't have to drive this week, but I do need enough for next week's 400 miles of driving necessity. So we again made use of the food pantry. They were very low on food today though, I was surprised. but then again the economy is not bouncing back very well and here, where summer tourism drives the economy, people are just starting on the summer season. So I imagine there were a number of families that still needed it this month. It is also the end of the month, so pickings get slim as you get nearer to their restocking day. I look forward to when I can give donations again to them again instead of having to be the recipient.
After that we came home and I put a patch on their blow up pool thingy, then we spent a couple hours of fun with the hose and filling the little pool in the back yard. The patch does not seem to be holding very well, but that's okay. I borrowed a hand pump from my former neighbor to blow it up. At some point I want to find an electric air pump, which will make it easier to inflate every day. Time to check the free section of craigslist for both a bike for G and an air pump. I miss the freecycle community from the Ithaca area, what an amazingly active group that was. I both got and gave a great many things through freecyle. But alas, this very rural area does not really lend itself to an active freecyle list. Anyway, the kids had a blast in the kiddie pool, splashing and spraying with the hose. They played in the water quite a bit longer than I thought they would, as the hose is COLD water. But they had a lot of fun. We came in and got dry clothes on, and then the kids watched a video and ate some food.
A mother woodpecker ran into the window and stunned herself. She has a nest of babies in the woods on the other side of the driveway, and boy are those baby's LOUD. She and the father woodpecker work tirelessly bringing food back to the whole in the tree for the little ones. I am not sure how many, as the nest is in a hole in a broken off tree and is over 15 feet up the trunk. I just know that they are loud and the mother is always collecting food for them. They have quieted down over the past couple of days, so they must be getting bigger. Anyway, she was going after a green moth and hit the window hard. We went out to protect her from the dog and cat, who were both interested in getting a closer look. She was stunned but after a few minutes she came around, and was more alert. Nothing appeared broken, and she was not bleeding anywhere. After another few minutes she flew up to hang on the porch ceiling. Then a while after that she flew away. I was glad the kids could see the bird get better. The other day we came home to a dead robin in the same spot. His neck was broken when he ran into the window, the poor little dear.
It is now nearly 5:00. The kids are playing video games, and I was working on entering my food journal for the day. I know I originally started this blog with food journalling, but I got away from them and less consistent in my journalling. I decided to start food journaling in a way that game me more concrete information without having to do a lot of digging. So I starting using Spark People and now I am getting better at keeping track of my food because it gives you a lot of nutritional info tracking as well as calorie tracking and carb, fat, and protein gram tracking. I can even track my glucose levels and water intake, as well as fitness if I can figure that part out. So if you want to follow my food tracking and weight loss, it is on http://my.sparkpeople.com/truthfrees
I had gained back a few pounds from my initial weight loss that I started tracking with this blog, but since I started tracking again last week, I have lost over 5 pounds. So that is a good thing. I definitely have found keeping track of everything you eat makes a huge difference. I also am focused right now on keeping my calories down to around 2000 a day, with the hope that after that becomes the norm in a couple of weeks, I will then focus on the 1800 calorie limit my doctor would like for me. My pre-breakfast glucose levels have also been going down. Though I forgot to take my herbal and alternative supplements yesterday and I saw a rise in my glucose for this morning, so it seems my combination of supplements is having an effect. My doctor is willing to let me try this method for a few months, and if it shows good results, she may be less pressuring about being on certain pharmaceutical meds that I do not like the idea of being on. I told her that if I can not get it under control with diet, exercise and supplements (like cinnamon--that yummy stuff you put on your oatmeal and in cookies, and garlic--another amazingly flavorful food with great medicinal benefit), then I will go on the pharma meds.
Well, at some point I will get back to the story of how life changed when Jos came homes, which I had
started here : Thinking...Part 4
But alas it has taken me nearly two hours to write this post as I have been stopping and doing things with the boys, and dealing with the sibling rivalry issues that are rampant in my house. As well as swinging Jos and tickling the boys, and being silly, not to mention the bird thing and just other things that have popped up since I started this post. So I should end it and start thinking about making dinner...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Day 81--Still breathing...
So, today was originally the day by which I had planned to move much closer to my weight loss goal, but alas, it is a slower process. There is much that I started out with doing correctly, that I was unable to create a good habit with. And many other things that I have done well that are improving my life as a whole:
WALKING: I am walking 1-2 miles almost every weekday, which is a huge plus all around. It helps keep the muscles in my legs feeling good, it helps strengthen my heart and lungs, it releases tension throughout my body, it uses some of my excess stored energy, it helps my body be better at using insulin, and it helps me clear my mind and have a stronger sense of peace.
BETTER FOOD CHOICES: I have cut out a significant portion of fast food from my weekly diet. For a while I was having a McD meal at least 4-5 times a week (not good health wise or $$ wise). And now I only go to the golden arches about once a month. I have been eating more yogurt and oatmeal, and less sausage egg and Cheese sandwiches. I still need to continue this transition, but it is in a good progress. I'd say I am past the half and half mark, so the oatmeal/yogurt or small bagel/yogurt is beginning to be predominate. I am much more likely to be eating turkey on WW with a piece of fruit or a V8 for lunch instead of greasy burgers and fries (which also helps in the $$ department as it is so much easier to bring my lunch). I am getting 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday. I am drinking at least 10 cups of water every day.
FEELING BETTER: I am feeling better--about myself, my body, my life, and my overall situation. Even though there are still many things not where I would like them to be, the past 80 days of focusing on transformation have been very beneficial on my perspective. I may not have lost 80 pounds in 80 days. But I am 20 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, but more that the 20 pounds, I feel better about my body. I have more energy than I did, I mentally feel more lovable and real again, and overall, I appreciate all of the amazing things that my body does. I have even been taking steps to take better care of my self inside and out. I got contacts again which I wear about 1/2 the time, and I feel better when I do because I love my eyes, and I appreciate them. I got my hair cut into a totally different style last week, and I love it because it is fresh and new, not the same style I have had most of my life (I mean seriously, I have had the same hairstyle (a bob) 90% of the time since I was 5 years old with only short jumps into other styles, so this hair cut is new for me).
BETTER FRUIT: I am bearing better fruit now than I was 80 days ago. My children are happier and more at peace because I am happier and more at peace (it is amazing how that works). I am applying for real jobs again, and have regained the confidence that I need to trust myself to be able to have a real, full time, higher paying, more responsibility laden job again. And not only applying, but actually looking forward to working and having colleagues again. I trust that my kids will be okay without me having to 100% available for them at all times. My faith is increasing, and my desire to really rebuild my relationship with my God is growing. So much as happened over the past few years, and I feel like I have been walking around in the dark, bumping into things, and now I feel like I have found the light switch. My exploration of God and different spiritual and philosophical paths are coming back into an actual way of life again, rather than just something to study. I am more at peace, more joyful, more faithful, more patient, more kind, more loving, and have more self control. I am working towards being a good person in my daily walk, and re-developing the gentleness that I used to have in abundance. I feel like a tree that had been going barren for a while, but now those fruits are beginning to grow again, slowly but surely. And I have gotten into a better mental, emotional, physical,and spiritual place from which I can tend my tree of life so that it can bear strong, wholesome fruit. I can feel God again, not just knowing in my head, but knowing in my heart.
There are still may things I need to work on.
For the weight loss, I need to continue to change my habits from eating unhealthy things to eating healthy ones. I need to take on and tackle the problems I have with portion control, as that is probably one of the biggest culprits in my weight battle. I need to work on the timing of my eating as well. I need to continue to increase my physical activity levels, and add in some more muscle building and aerobic work.
For my financial health, I need to continue to find income generating opportunities, and hopefully one of the jobs that I have interviewed for will turn into a job. I also need to continue to make good financial decisions, and not let myself get swayed by others or by wants that are not needs, or wants that are not practical at the moment (I have no problem with wanting and getting what you want, but it has to be within reason given current situations).
For spiritual health, I will continue my studies and exploration of what others have found helpful and will continue to incorporate various spiritual practices into my daily life, keeping what brings me closer to God and leaving behind those which are not right for me.
For mental/emotional health, I will get back to my exploration of EFT and other tapping techniques, as they are extremely helpful in reducing stress and overcoming emotional blocks. Also, i will return to my commitment to do meditation on a daily basis, and would like to incorporate some movement and sound based techniques that I have heard are very centering.
So I hope you will continue to follow me on my next 80 days of transformative path walking. Yes I often take baby steps, and sometimes even take a coupe of steps int eh wrong direction, but overall, it is an amazing journey (at least for me).
WALKING: I am walking 1-2 miles almost every weekday, which is a huge plus all around. It helps keep the muscles in my legs feeling good, it helps strengthen my heart and lungs, it releases tension throughout my body, it uses some of my excess stored energy, it helps my body be better at using insulin, and it helps me clear my mind and have a stronger sense of peace.
BETTER FOOD CHOICES: I have cut out a significant portion of fast food from my weekly diet. For a while I was having a McD meal at least 4-5 times a week (not good health wise or $$ wise). And now I only go to the golden arches about once a month. I have been eating more yogurt and oatmeal, and less sausage egg and Cheese sandwiches. I still need to continue this transition, but it is in a good progress. I'd say I am past the half and half mark, so the oatmeal/yogurt or small bagel/yogurt is beginning to be predominate. I am much more likely to be eating turkey on WW with a piece of fruit or a V8 for lunch instead of greasy burgers and fries (which also helps in the $$ department as it is so much easier to bring my lunch). I am getting 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday. I am drinking at least 10 cups of water every day.
FEELING BETTER: I am feeling better--about myself, my body, my life, and my overall situation. Even though there are still many things not where I would like them to be, the past 80 days of focusing on transformation have been very beneficial on my perspective. I may not have lost 80 pounds in 80 days. But I am 20 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, but more that the 20 pounds, I feel better about my body. I have more energy than I did, I mentally feel more lovable and real again, and overall, I appreciate all of the amazing things that my body does. I have even been taking steps to take better care of my self inside and out. I got contacts again which I wear about 1/2 the time, and I feel better when I do because I love my eyes, and I appreciate them. I got my hair cut into a totally different style last week, and I love it because it is fresh and new, not the same style I have had most of my life (I mean seriously, I have had the same hairstyle (a bob) 90% of the time since I was 5 years old with only short jumps into other styles, so this hair cut is new for me).
BETTER FRUIT: I am bearing better fruit now than I was 80 days ago. My children are happier and more at peace because I am happier and more at peace (it is amazing how that works). I am applying for real jobs again, and have regained the confidence that I need to trust myself to be able to have a real, full time, higher paying, more responsibility laden job again. And not only applying, but actually looking forward to working and having colleagues again. I trust that my kids will be okay without me having to 100% available for them at all times. My faith is increasing, and my desire to really rebuild my relationship with my God is growing. So much as happened over the past few years, and I feel like I have been walking around in the dark, bumping into things, and now I feel like I have found the light switch. My exploration of God and different spiritual and philosophical paths are coming back into an actual way of life again, rather than just something to study. I am more at peace, more joyful, more faithful, more patient, more kind, more loving, and have more self control. I am working towards being a good person in my daily walk, and re-developing the gentleness that I used to have in abundance. I feel like a tree that had been going barren for a while, but now those fruits are beginning to grow again, slowly but surely. And I have gotten into a better mental, emotional, physical,and spiritual place from which I can tend my tree of life so that it can bear strong, wholesome fruit. I can feel God again, not just knowing in my head, but knowing in my heart.
There are still may things I need to work on.
For the weight loss, I need to continue to change my habits from eating unhealthy things to eating healthy ones. I need to take on and tackle the problems I have with portion control, as that is probably one of the biggest culprits in my weight battle. I need to work on the timing of my eating as well. I need to continue to increase my physical activity levels, and add in some more muscle building and aerobic work.
For my financial health, I need to continue to find income generating opportunities, and hopefully one of the jobs that I have interviewed for will turn into a job. I also need to continue to make good financial decisions, and not let myself get swayed by others or by wants that are not needs, or wants that are not practical at the moment (I have no problem with wanting and getting what you want, but it has to be within reason given current situations).
For spiritual health, I will continue my studies and exploration of what others have found helpful and will continue to incorporate various spiritual practices into my daily life, keeping what brings me closer to God and leaving behind those which are not right for me.
For mental/emotional health, I will get back to my exploration of EFT and other tapping techniques, as they are extremely helpful in reducing stress and overcoming emotional blocks. Also, i will return to my commitment to do meditation on a daily basis, and would like to incorporate some movement and sound based techniques that I have heard are very centering.
So I hope you will continue to follow me on my next 80 days of transformative path walking. Yes I often take baby steps, and sometimes even take a coupe of steps int eh wrong direction, but overall, it is an amazing journey (at least for me).
Monday, May 23, 2011
can you really lose...
Can you really lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Well, yes, I believe anything is possible. Does that mean that I will lose 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog? No, as I am working on transformation of my whole life, not just focusing on changing that one (albeit very big and pressing) issue in my life. I am not fat because I eat too much and do not exercise enough ( that is only part of the symptoms which need to be treated along with the cause). If I were 10 or 20 pounds overweight, I might be able to just say "whoa, my eating and exercise habits are out of whack, I have to change those." and be able to get back on track.
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
When you are twice the size you should be, as I am, there is a LOT more going on than just poor eating and exercise habits. I am not saying those are not part of it, as obviously they are. But there are more intense underlying causes that have created the poor eating and exercise habits in the first place. life, at least my life, is very spiracle in nature. Most people consider life to be cyclical (though some see it as linear, which is just not in my ability to see, as things tend to repeat until you deal with them), but I see my life more as a spiral. With a circular cycle, you just go round and round, in the same spot. But with a spiral you are always moving forward, but the edges of your spiral are in particular issues. So you deal with part of it and move forward dealing with other things, and eventually you come back to address the issues again, but not from the same vantage point as you were before. Each time you move through that given area of space (sorry, I picture it in my mind as my spiral path intercepting part of a large nebula and having to successfully manage the problems that arise in order to move to a place in the spiral that is not touching the nebula--if you watch Star Trek or any kind of space traveling show, you understand that each nebula is different and you never know what joys or trial a nebula will bring), you deal with the issue that it holds. Once you have successfully dealt with all of the issues that are negatively impacting your thoughts, spirit, or actions (most of them subconscious), you will be able to move past that nebula and those issues and not have to keep spiralling through it. Some nebula's are huge and you encounter them multiple times in your life, and others you encounter and move past after just a couple of rings of the spiral journey.
My spiral has the flexibility of a slinky, instead of a nice firm forward path, I seem to jump all over the place, like someone set the slinky on the top step a long winding staircase and in just keeps flipping and flipping. That is called the curse of indecision....NOT a healthy way to live.
So, how did this spiraling journey of mine take me from a skinny little kid (like 5-6 years old) to an very large teenager (overweight by 12, obese by 15), to (I hate this term but it is the technical term) morbidly obese adult. I am now 36 years old, and have been in that latter category for over half of my life (yes for about a year and a half in my mid-20's I was in the middle category, and I was nearing that middle category again a few years ago before I married and adopted two kids, but that soon turned back into this MO category).
You don't become MO merely by acquiring bad habits, because with bad habits you eventually wake up and go "Damn, what am I doing to myself!?!" and you make the commitment to switch to better habits. While at the core, the biological reason that I am--- {({morbidly obese})} (boy that makes a booming echo in my head when I say it, like a deep James Earl Jones voice echo reverberating off the hill sides (yes I made up my own symbols for booming echo {({echo})}) is that I have historically had poor eating and exercise habits that dominate over any healthy eating and exercise habits I try to motivate myself to. In order to lose the weight that I need to lose, I need to develop, at my core, healthy eating and exercise habits. I need to increase my metabolisms ability to burn energy, I need to increase my body's ability to use insulin properly (as it is biochemically extremely difficult to lose weight when you have high blood sugar and rogue insulin that your body is not using, because the resistant insulin keeps the fat burning switches from being turned on in your body, which is why it is so hard for people with type 2 diabetes to lose weight especially once they go on medication which increases the amount of insulin so that the glucose can be used and provide necessary energy to the cells (a very important thing) though only mildly helps with the problem of getting the resistant insulin into the cells, thus locking the body out of fat burning mode without a lot more exercise than would normally be required--it really is a catch 22 in a lot of ways).
Anyway, somehow this blog is just a mental meandering of all sorts of things that pop out of my brain. Anyway, As I have been focusing on transformation in my life, looking at weight loss, I believe that God (or whatever you may call that source of all, the universal mind, the powerful consciousness, the Source....) God hears my call to treat my physical body with more honor, heads my call to move towards overall health and wholeness in body soul and mind. And thus my slinky like spiral journey is being moved through the nebulas that I most need to address and correct, to bring to a state of reconciliation and wholeness. I think that is why my journey has brought me back home, has opened my eyes tot he conflicts that I have with those beings that I started this life walk with, my family. I can not transform anyone but myself, and I have no need to. It is my own reactions, my own subconscious thoughts and feelings, my own definitions of myself that I need to address. The proverbial plank in my own eye that makes it hard for me to see what is really in front of me, and how my actions and attitudes create the problems in my life. Over the past decade plus, I have dealt with numerous life transforming issues--trust issues, fear issues, sexuality issues, faith issues, confidence issues, etc.... Through that I have come to recognize my strengths and be proud of the person that God created. I have been able to look at my weaknesses and be confident that is okay to ask for help in areas that I do not excel, and to offer help in areas where I do excel. But even with working towards a sense of greater trust in myself, in God, in life as a whole; even with reducing my overall sense of fear (something I am still working on, as we all are, most people just call it worry or anxiety, but at its root it is fear); even with coming to grips with my sexuality and dealing with some past traumas int hat regard and coming to embrace all parts of myself; even with growing from a borrowed faith (which I believe is what the faith we grow up with is) and into a faith and understanding of and with God that is personal; and even with a tremendous increase in my confidence that I am a capable, able amazing Creation--even with having addresses at a very deep level those extremely important aspects of life, I have yet to overcome the two massive manifestations of problems that have plagued my life and kept me in the illusion of separateness from who I really Am and separate from God (because if you are; living with the illusion that you separate from who YOU are, you are also separate from the Great I Am). For me, those two murky, difficult to break areas of separation are my physical body healthy (namely my weight issue) and my financial stability.
So, my quest for transformation continues,. I have experienced great transformation in many areas, but for some reason these two areas are stuck. I believe it is because these two areas have deep, subconscious roots that go back to very early childhood, back to the times when my sense of self in this physical manifestation of life was forming. These conflicts with family, if I let them go unthought out, will be meaningless. I need to look very closely at what I was thinking, feeling, and saying deep down inside myself, and as I do that, i can start to uncover, release, and correct some of the root maladaptive thinking patterns that have given rise to my current habits.
To change my present I need to learn from the past so that I can have and provide a better future. One thing I have learned with this conflict with my mom is that I really have a deep seated belief that my mom can not understand me. I have a child right now that I have a lot of difficulty comprehending.
I can not change the things that were said to me when i as a child. My mother loved me then and loves me now even though she had and has trouble understanding me, and she did the best she knew how to do. She wanted me to "be normal" and have a better life, which she thought that "being normal" would bring. But it did not bring that, for me it brought pain, it brought the fear of being different, it brought the feeling that I was wrong, and I think that part of what I am trying to hide behind my layers of excess adipose tissue is this sense of "I am not normal." I am not blaming my mother, she was acting out of love in trying to help me be more "normal". And I recognize that. Part of the reason I recognize it more poignantly now is that there are so many days my brain scream "why can't you just be a little more normal!" when I am dealing with my eldest son. Note, my brain screams it not my mouth, because I know how much those words would hurt. My son does the best he can, and he is an amazing, intelligent, unique person. And as I have been realizing lately, maybe I have come home so that I could realize that I need to do something different for my son than my mother tried to do for me. Out of love, she wanted me to be more normal, more like all the other kids. but I am not. I am unique, I have an eclectic sense of the world and of life and of myself, I am not linear or cyclic, I am not a square peg or a round hole. Not amount of trying to "make me be normal" is going to work, as I am atypical in many ways. In some ways I am sure it helped, it helped me develop the ability to look through other people's eyes and try to act in a way that was socially and culturally acceptable (I know it took a while, my bright green polyester pants and stained peach tee shirt--my favorite outfit when I was in like 5th grade--was not exactly in keeping with the norm though I never understood why you have to look a certain way, shouldn't you just be able to wear what is comfortable?). But in an effort to help me see the world as others saw it, I do not have the social difficulties that my father contends with (brilliant, amazing and eccentric man that he is). My mother also helped me expand my inborn sense of empathy for others, to feel with them what they feel, and to use that to try to help them feel better.
My son G has a strong ability to feel energy, but he has no idea how to use it in a helpful way. He is an energy magnet, anything high energy attracts him. Unlike the ability to feel the differences in emotion (like my youngest son, I (and most people) feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, etc... and can read those emotions) G on the other hand, feels energy, excitement or sorrow, anger or fear--if it is an emotion that emits high levels of energy he is drawn to that person or situation and does what he can to feed the energy. Now this is great when someone is excited and joyous, as he can feed that and grow it for himself and the other person. But it is not good when it is a sad or angry energy,a s he feeds that too, and tries to grow that energy. Which means if he finds a person that screams when he annoys them enough (usually either a younger child or a girl his own age) he will bother and bother and tease and provoke them until they scream, and then his need for energy is satisfied. This makes him a very difficult person in social circles. These are the times that I want to scream "why can't you just be normal for a couple of hours".
These are the times that the growing insight into my own childhood (and how my mother tried to help me be a person she could understand better) begins to makes sense of where I am. I know the sense of self loathing that comes with not being the "right" kind of person. I was (and still am I suppose by some people) labeled as over-sensitive, a dreamer, or thinking too much. However, I have learned that I am sensitive enough to care for other people, especially social outcasts, and to be able to love a person and not give up on them even when many others have. I dream big dreams, and know that the ability to dream big creates a better world for me and for my children, and that I can help other people figure out what their dreams are for thier lives, what they are being called to deep down. And I think--a LOT. Some people say they have a two or three track mind, that keeps rolling through, I have counted over twelve different thought processes going on in my conscious mind at a given time, Only God knows how many in the subconscious mind. I lose track after that because that observer part of me usually get swifted away by one train of through or another. So year, I DO think a lot. And yes, if I do not control the train station, chaos can ensue, reducing my productivity. But when I am mindful of the tasks at hand, and can seperate the tracks that I need to focus on from the others (allowing them to run uninhibited int eh background), then I can get an amazing amount of things done.
Okay, so anyway, I kind of like this just random mental meandering, allowing my thoughts to go wherever they want to as I type. I guess one of the things I am trying to say is that as I go through this loop which is helping me see some of the roots of my sense of self, and how my family played the roles they did, doing what they thought was best out of love, and out of a sense of wanting me to have a good life, it helps me to let go (or at least start work on letting go) some of the negative feelings I have about myself and some of the untrue perceptions I have about my how my family thinks of me. I look at my son, and I see myself in him. not that we are a lot alike, but that we are in similar situations--not fitting well into anyone's idea of who we should be, just each being our own person. He, like me, has issues with fitting in in social situations. He has trouble understanding what is asked of him. He has trouble understand what he is doing that is not correct. A couple of big differences between us is that I WANTED to fit in and tried really hard to do what was asked of me, and quench my uniqueness. He does NOT try to fit in and actively tried hard to do exactly what you asked him not to do (the joys of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He had a hard start to life. He was prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. He was severely neglected and abused in his birth home for the first 13 months of his life. He bounced through 5 different foster homes before he turned three years old. He gave up. He was failure to thrive for a while. He gave up as a toddler, in order to protect what he had left of his infant sense of self, he drew inward and gave up. I had a loving family, who loved me even though I looked like a green lizard thing when I was born (that is what my dad said :p). My family was young and economically poor, but they loved me. I did not give up.
I had a great advantage over my son. Even though I was quirky, and nothing like a social butterfly, I had a supportive and loving family that did what they thought was best for me, even things that I found painful. I can see in hindsight, that those growing pains did help me (trust me it would be very easy to lose myself in my thoughts and stay there if I had not been shown how amazing the rest of the people in the world were too, and how to relate in ways that build strong and lasting friendships--my mother's gift, not my father's). It helps me to look at this and to figure out how to be a parent to him in a way that celebrates his uniqueness while at the same time helping him to relate to people in a more meaningful and socially acceptable way. I have found my frustration with him growing lately, and my patience shrinking. I believe that nothing happens by accident, and that this period of time and the conflicts that are arising are happening because there is something that I need to learn. I have been seeking wholeness, seeking a stronger connection with the Great I Am (God), seeking a transformation out of my unhealthy thinking and behavioural patterns so that I can truly be the amazing person that I was created to be, instead of hiding behind my shells of excess fat and financial stresses. In seeking honestly, I encounter a number of challenges. And I think working thorough these challenges is helping me understand myself better and understand God better. And understand the path, the journey that I am on better too.
So can you lose 80 pounds in 80 days? Sure. Will I prove it to you by losing 80 pounds in the first 80 days of this blog. Not, as that is not my intention. My intention was never to prove it, my intention was and is to share my path of transformation, my journey in real time as it is happening. And yes, I actually do expect to lose 80 pounds in 80 days, I just don't know which 80 days that will happen over, so keep following along and we will find out together...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
What a beautiful day!! Changing the way I think...
Today there is truly not a cloud in the sky. It is a brilliant blue and incredible. I had a great walk around the pond this morning. The water was lovely, the new bright green grass, the emergence of a variety of colorful flowers. I enjoyed over 5 trips around the pond and went out on the boardwalks the go through part of the marsh. I reveled in the red wing black birds, the ducks, the turtles, the frogs, the robins, the pigeons, the fish, the water itself---it is exhilarating to enjoy this amazing creation. Life is definitely better when you focus on that which is beautiful. As it says in Philippians 4:8 (NIV) "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
There is great wisdom in Paul's words in the above verse. People throughout history have conveyed the same sentiment many times--the idea that the things that you focus on can and do effect your life in profound ways. Throughout Philippians 4, Paul talks of being gentle, living by example, and holding on to faith in Christ. As I have been moving through an intentional transformation, with some steps forward and some steps back and a few steps sideways, upside down, and inside out, and a couple of episodes of just sitting down...well you get my drift....I am finding that to truly change anything in life, one must change the way your think first. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. Harder because we are creatures of habit, and habitual thought patterns require as much commitment to change as our physical habits do.
In order to quit smoking, having all the strategies in the world are not going to help you quit until you are committed to being a non-smoker. When I made the final decision to quit smoking before I became a parent, it was unlike any of the other times that I had attempted. Usually when I said I was going to try to quit, it was a half hearted commitment, usually focused on a good idea, like the desire for better health, the desire to smell better, the desire to not spend so much money,the desire to breathe better, or whatever other of the many reasons that I could have come up with. But until my commitment was full, until I was just "trying" to quit smoking, until I could get my mind, heart and soul committed to the idea of being a non-smoker (not a former smoker, or someone who had quit smoking), it was only then that I was ready to quit. You could say I "did it for the kids", but that was not it, no excuse is big enough to warrant a habit change. It has to be a commitment. I have known many who "quit for the kids" but then they sneak smokes when the kids aren't looking, they smoke at work but not at home, they didn't really quit smoking, they just quit smoking in front of their kids. Which is admirable, as kids are less likely to pick up the habit if they do not have significant exposure to it as an okay lifestyle habit. But they have not quit smoking nor have they become a non-smoker.
Once we decided to adopt, both A and I stopped smoking in the house. Before we ever had a child living in our home, our indoor home environment had been smoke free for over a year. And the combination of factors and internal decision making that made it possible for me to truly become a non-smoker did culminate with the arrival of my first son. I smoked my last cigarette at the airport before boarding a plane to Texas where I would spend a week with my son (we had spend time with him in Texas prior to this so that he would know us and I went out a week ahead of his fly home date so that it would ease his transition some). Since that cigarette, I have smoked only two cigarettes. One when A's brother's baby (our niece) was born with massive special needs and a very poor prognosis (the drs were surprised she made it through the birth). And once when A started drinking openly again in May 2009 after Matt's death (two weeks prior to A's mother's death), and after we had already been through one round of relapse, lies, belligerent meanness, and steps back to recovery in 2008/early 2009. Neither time was satisfying for me, and so it was not really a decision not to smoke again, I just don't feel the desire to smoke. I am not an ex-smoker who craves a smoke or has to battle against the desire to light one up. With my commitment to quit smoking, as it was an internal change, not just an external one. When I put out that cigarette at the airport, I knew it was my last one. I barely remember a withdrawl period, I do not remember having strong cravings even during those first few days, and know that any fluttering of a craving or a desire to have a smoke were short lived and not strong. I had gone not from being a smoker to being a smoker who quit, but from being a smoker to being a non-smoker. It was not the desire to quit that helped me change the habit, but it was the thinking of myself as a non-smoker.
Why am I still jumbo sized when I am an intelligent woman who is well versed in biology and understands how to eat and exercise correctly? Why do I still carry around nearly double my ideal weight in excess adipose tissue? Is it a lack of understanding of the health risks associated with carrying around excess weight? no. Is it a lack of understanding of how carrying this excess effects my daily life and physical ability to move? no--trust me with knees like mine, I understand acutely the physical pain that carrying too much weight causes with each step I take. I do know that I WANT to lose weight, I desire to be a healthy weight, and I know the steps that I need to take. And I can say and think that I am committed to attaining as healthy weight. But there is one thing that will always tell you where your ACTUAL commitment is. What you are Truly, at a spirit level, committed to doing. And that is reflected by your actions. I have not lost my excess wight because I am not spiritually, mentally, and physically committed to being a person with a healthy body. I focus on what I do NOT like about my body or the situations that being in an unhealthy, overweight body bring into my life. By focusing on what I do not like, I can not focus on the opposite, loving myself and my body. Until I can see myself and accept myself as a healthy, slim, fit person, it will be harder to change my habits.
Each step towards a healthier, fit, slim body brings me one stop closer to changing those internal habits. Then my thinking can change increment by increment. Everytime I make the choice to select a healthy food over a less than healthy food, if I do it because I am focused on my desire to be healthy and to live better, then I am one step closer to changing that internal habit. If I make that choice because I am fat and an trying to lose weight, then I am NOT one step closer to changing my internal habits. Even though the external action is the same, and the external choice is the same, the internal, lasting change is not present. Which is why people can lose a lot of weight, and go off their diet and gain it all back. They have not changed the way they think about their body, their self image, or their habits. Sometimes even when we start out not focuses on changing the internal, as out body changes, we start to love what we have become, and start to love having a healthier body, and so our internal focus shifts from negative (hating fat and out of shape body) and into a positive habit (loving being healthy). It is the shift from focusing on the negative and battling against it, to focusing on the positive and reaching towards it.
Attitude and focus are vital to changing. This is why working on mental, physical and spiritual aspects of ourselves is vital to enacting lasting change. Without a connection to God, without the Source bringing energy to my spirit there would be no reason to keep trying to change myself, my community or my world into something better...there would be no reason fro transformation. And the help that I get from my God in my transformation process is invaluable. so I will continue to strive to focus in "..whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Because that Spiritual teaching helps make me, my family, my community and my world a better, more excellent, more noble, more true, more right, more pure, more lovely, and more admirable place.
Focus carefully....
There is great wisdom in Paul's words in the above verse. People throughout history have conveyed the same sentiment many times--the idea that the things that you focus on can and do effect your life in profound ways. Throughout Philippians 4, Paul talks of being gentle, living by example, and holding on to faith in Christ. As I have been moving through an intentional transformation, with some steps forward and some steps back and a few steps sideways, upside down, and inside out, and a couple of episodes of just sitting down...well you get my drift....I am finding that to truly change anything in life, one must change the way your think first. This is both harder and easier than it sounds. Harder because we are creatures of habit, and habitual thought patterns require as much commitment to change as our physical habits do.
In order to quit smoking, having all the strategies in the world are not going to help you quit until you are committed to being a non-smoker. When I made the final decision to quit smoking before I became a parent, it was unlike any of the other times that I had attempted. Usually when I said I was going to try to quit, it was a half hearted commitment, usually focused on a good idea, like the desire for better health, the desire to smell better, the desire to not spend so much money,the desire to breathe better, or whatever other of the many reasons that I could have come up with. But until my commitment was full, until I was just "trying" to quit smoking, until I could get my mind, heart and soul committed to the idea of being a non-smoker (not a former smoker, or someone who had quit smoking), it was only then that I was ready to quit. You could say I "did it for the kids", but that was not it, no excuse is big enough to warrant a habit change. It has to be a commitment. I have known many who "quit for the kids" but then they sneak smokes when the kids aren't looking, they smoke at work but not at home, they didn't really quit smoking, they just quit smoking in front of their kids. Which is admirable, as kids are less likely to pick up the habit if they do not have significant exposure to it as an okay lifestyle habit. But they have not quit smoking nor have they become a non-smoker.
Once we decided to adopt, both A and I stopped smoking in the house. Before we ever had a child living in our home, our indoor home environment had been smoke free for over a year. And the combination of factors and internal decision making that made it possible for me to truly become a non-smoker did culminate with the arrival of my first son. I smoked my last cigarette at the airport before boarding a plane to Texas where I would spend a week with my son (we had spend time with him in Texas prior to this so that he would know us and I went out a week ahead of his fly home date so that it would ease his transition some). Since that cigarette, I have smoked only two cigarettes. One when A's brother's baby (our niece) was born with massive special needs and a very poor prognosis (the drs were surprised she made it through the birth). And once when A started drinking openly again in May 2009 after Matt's death (two weeks prior to A's mother's death), and after we had already been through one round of relapse, lies, belligerent meanness, and steps back to recovery in 2008/early 2009. Neither time was satisfying for me, and so it was not really a decision not to smoke again, I just don't feel the desire to smoke. I am not an ex-smoker who craves a smoke or has to battle against the desire to light one up. With my commitment to quit smoking, as it was an internal change, not just an external one. When I put out that cigarette at the airport, I knew it was my last one. I barely remember a withdrawl period, I do not remember having strong cravings even during those first few days, and know that any fluttering of a craving or a desire to have a smoke were short lived and not strong. I had gone not from being a smoker to being a smoker who quit, but from being a smoker to being a non-smoker. It was not the desire to quit that helped me change the habit, but it was the thinking of myself as a non-smoker.
Why am I still jumbo sized when I am an intelligent woman who is well versed in biology and understands how to eat and exercise correctly? Why do I still carry around nearly double my ideal weight in excess adipose tissue? Is it a lack of understanding of the health risks associated with carrying around excess weight? no. Is it a lack of understanding of how carrying this excess effects my daily life and physical ability to move? no--trust me with knees like mine, I understand acutely the physical pain that carrying too much weight causes with each step I take. I do know that I WANT to lose weight, I desire to be a healthy weight, and I know the steps that I need to take. And I can say and think that I am committed to attaining as healthy weight. But there is one thing that will always tell you where your ACTUAL commitment is. What you are Truly, at a spirit level, committed to doing. And that is reflected by your actions. I have not lost my excess wight because I am not spiritually, mentally, and physically committed to being a person with a healthy body. I focus on what I do NOT like about my body or the situations that being in an unhealthy, overweight body bring into my life. By focusing on what I do not like, I can not focus on the opposite, loving myself and my body. Until I can see myself and accept myself as a healthy, slim, fit person, it will be harder to change my habits.
Each step towards a healthier, fit, slim body brings me one stop closer to changing those internal habits. Then my thinking can change increment by increment. Everytime I make the choice to select a healthy food over a less than healthy food, if I do it because I am focused on my desire to be healthy and to live better, then I am one step closer to changing that internal habit. If I make that choice because I am fat and an trying to lose weight, then I am NOT one step closer to changing my internal habits. Even though the external action is the same, and the external choice is the same, the internal, lasting change is not present. Which is why people can lose a lot of weight, and go off their diet and gain it all back. They have not changed the way they think about their body, their self image, or their habits. Sometimes even when we start out not focuses on changing the internal, as out body changes, we start to love what we have become, and start to love having a healthier body, and so our internal focus shifts from negative (hating fat and out of shape body) and into a positive habit (loving being healthy). It is the shift from focusing on the negative and battling against it, to focusing on the positive and reaching towards it.
Attitude and focus are vital to changing. This is why working on mental, physical and spiritual aspects of ourselves is vital to enacting lasting change. Without a connection to God, without the Source bringing energy to my spirit there would be no reason to keep trying to change myself, my community or my world into something better...there would be no reason fro transformation. And the help that I get from my God in my transformation process is invaluable. so I will continue to strive to focus in "..whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Because that Spiritual teaching helps make me, my family, my community and my world a better, more excellent, more noble, more true, more right, more pure, more lovely, and more admirable place.
Focus carefully....
Monday, May 2, 2011
Day 50--seems like the last 30 days have not been well focused...
Well, I started off well on my first 80 day challenge, but let stress and life stuff get in the way of creating a better, more healthy me over the last 30 days or so. Now we are on day 50. The great thing about life, is that each day is a new day. Each day is a day to start over fresh if you want to. Even if you make a lot of mistakes one day or for a whole week, or a whole month or a number of years, each day you can wake up and know that you can start right from where you are and begin anew. You don't have to wait for something to happen or some event to transpire, the change we seek is within ourselves, the power to choose is a gift we are born with, the great gift of God, and you can choose at any moment to change your direction. Even if it is one you have been headed in for years.
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
So it starts with a breath. A decision to take one step in a better direction. A choice to choose peace over retaliation. A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast. A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected. A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger. A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.
Today is a new day. I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now. I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors. What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :)
I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm. I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family. I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily. When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources. Now I am not in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm. But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself. I have spent a lot of time in agriculture. I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic). I studied biology in college. I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell. I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors. I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here.
Ask and it is given...
I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees. An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up. A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm. A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.
That is where my focus has been for quite a while.
The basics of my day today. I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps. The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves. I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments. I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools. I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee. I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn. And lot of water. I also had some grape pomegranate juice. I had toast with PB for a snack when we got home. I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink. I had seconds too. I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...
I am going to go to bed here pretty soon. I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps. I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sorry for the long delay...
With april Break and just a LOT going on, I have had very little time to actually sit downand write on my computer. The kids keep me hoping, more so than usual these past couple of weeks. I did finally do a weigh in on monday, and I had gained back 2 pounds fo what I had lost. This does not surprise me as I have been eating less carefully than i should be, and allowed my emotional eating tendencies to have free reign a bit. It just means that I have to reboot my motivation, and focus on the amazing healthy life I can have and will have as I respect my body and emotions better.
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
I know, after such a long break since my last post, this one shoudl be a doozy, but alas, it is 11:30pm and I am ready to turn in for the night. I hope to have a restful, peaceful night unlike the last few that I have had. So i am off tyo a pleasant dream land, and will hopefully pick up with writing tomorrow. Hope you are all well and that this holiday season, this Holy Week in particular, has brought you new insights and renewed awareness, and fresh blessings....
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A spring day and decisions
I am so happy that spring is finally here. Even though I still have yet to see my yard, the snow is retreating and I will soon have a yard back. At the ponds where I spend my days, the snow is pretty much all gone. The daffodils are about to open, it is so close and by tomorrow the beautiful yellow flower should be greeting the sunshine.
I don't think I blogged about the remainder of my eating yesterday, so I will try to remember. For lunch yesterday I had a spicy chicken sandwich and french fries and water. For dinner we had homemade mac and cheese made with vegetable rotini, and hot dogs and green beans. i had popcorn and a couple of chocolate eggs later in the evening.
Today I had a cheese danish and coffee for early breakfast, and a yogurt with oatmeal and dried fruit for late breakfast. I had a cheese burger and fries fro lunch with lemonade. I had mac and cheese for a mid-afternoon snack. For dinner we had English muffin pizza with peperoni, mushrooms, and cheese. We also had grapes. I had alot of water. I have had a banana tonight and had a bowl of cereal (raisin bran with milk).
I have been thinking a lot about decisions. Not what decisions to make, but rather about the fear and the uncertainty that keeps us from following through with our decisions. Just something to think about and process through....
I don't think I blogged about the remainder of my eating yesterday, so I will try to remember. For lunch yesterday I had a spicy chicken sandwich and french fries and water. For dinner we had homemade mac and cheese made with vegetable rotini, and hot dogs and green beans. i had popcorn and a couple of chocolate eggs later in the evening.
Today I had a cheese danish and coffee for early breakfast, and a yogurt with oatmeal and dried fruit for late breakfast. I had a cheese burger and fries fro lunch with lemonade. I had mac and cheese for a mid-afternoon snack. For dinner we had English muffin pizza with peperoni, mushrooms, and cheese. We also had grapes. I had alot of water. I have had a banana tonight and had a bowl of cereal (raisin bran with milk).
I have been thinking a lot about decisions. Not what decisions to make, but rather about the fear and the uncertainty that keeps us from following through with our decisions. Just something to think about and process through....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another day, another new start
Each day is a new start. No matter how bad the day before was, there is always something new in a new day. It is a new chance to realize that THIS day is the first day of the rest of your life.
"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?" "Because you're insane!" From an audio program with Wayne Dyer. It was exactly what I needed. He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want. When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives. So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently. We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us. As we do, more and more of those things will grow. To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.
As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life. It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on. As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable. As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again. That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like. It is my choice, it is my focus. So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.
A was fired form the convenience store yesterday. The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work, I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this. "I was fired for no reason". When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that. SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now. Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on. A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking). So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life. It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around. I have been focusing too much on the negative. I have focused too little on the positive. I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want. Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward. Each moment you can change your mind.
I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing. It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming. On the person I really am. It helps greatly in my transformation. My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit. It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level. It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is good...life is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.
Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write. I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water. I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch. For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.
Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.
I also walked at the other park today. As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down. So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today. I'll write again later...
"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?" "Because you're insane!" From an audio program with Wayne Dyer. It was exactly what I needed. He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want. When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives. So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently. We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us. As we do, more and more of those things will grow. To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.
As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life. It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on. As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable. As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again. That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like. It is my choice, it is my focus. So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.
A was fired form the convenience store yesterday. The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work, I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this. "I was fired for no reason". When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that. SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now. Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on. A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking). So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life. It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around. I have been focusing too much on the negative. I have focused too little on the positive. I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want. Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward. Each moment you can change your mind.
I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing. It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming. On the person I really am. It helps greatly in my transformation. My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit. It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level. It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is good...life is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.
Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write. I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water. I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch. For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.
Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.
I also walked at the other park today. As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down. So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today. I'll write again later...
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