Okay, so... (my son was saying this a lot recently and I kept wondering where he picked it up from, and then one day I realized after writing it that I say that all the time without thinking about it, so THAT is where he gets it from).
Okay, SO...I finally remembered to step on the scale this morning before my shower and all the getting ready activities of the morning. As suspected I did not lose much since my last weigh in. But I did lose. The scale read 288lbs, down 3 pounds from my last weigh in and 17 pounds from my day 1 weigh in. SO, even with the emotional eating of the weekend, my body continues to amaze me in losing a bit more poundage.
After dropping the kids off, I headed over to the pond. I am so grateful that the snow has finally melted away from over 90% of the path around the pond. It was a clear blue sky, the pond is actually showing large open water areas, and the crocuses are coming up. I even saw some daffodil leave (no flower yet) in the garden by the pond. I did 5 laps around the pond, which amounts to about 1 1/3 mile (3.5 laps =1 mile). Then I enjoyed my breakfast. Today I did have my yogurt (Dannon Light & Fit blueberry) with dry oatmeal, a medium coffee, and 3 cups of water.
I had a great long (2+ hours) phone conversation with my best friend after that, and ended up standing outside the library in the little park for all that time enjoying the warm 40+ degree air, the sunshine, and the bright blue sky. It is great to have a best friend that knows me so well (after almost 19 years of friendship--we met as freshmen in college--she knows me better than anyone except myself--and even then I wonder...). We talked about a lot of things, big and small on both ends. It was just a wonderful connection with her, and though we only see each other a couple of times a year (as we live over 300 miles apart), it is amazing to me how much she is always there for me. God has blessed this friendship, which has endured over a lot of rough and rocky spots over the years.
I have not gotten a lot of work done today (I did get a little bit, but am running short on time), so tomorrow I have to buckle down and have an uber productive day. Blessings to you all and I will write again before bed.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Day 24--Is life really supposed to get MORE topsy turvy when....
Is life supposed to get more topsy turvy when you decide it is time to take steps to make your life better? Maybe that's why they call it transformation?...
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
I suppose it makes sense, as in order to change and move forward, you need to address all of those things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. So when it comes time to move, you have to detach all the lines clinging to you. Which means that situations will arise that I need to find a way to deal with effectively and gently (neither of which I did this past week), so I can let go of what ever is holding me back and actual move forward. So after a rough weekend and start to the week dealing first internally and then externally (and now both) with some long standing issues, I was hoping for a chance to breathe.
But alas, when I got home last night there were two empty beer can sitting on the table. As I don't drink beer (or extremely rarely do and NEVER the cheap tasteless stuff) and the only other person who had been in my house while I was gone was A, well it seems that A has decide to make it clear that drinking is still an issue. I have known it was still going on even though A kept saying "I've been sober since June". I have been able to smell it on A, and I have seen the empty cans in A's jeep. But I have chosen not to address it with A as I feel that since we are no longer a couple, it is none of my business if A wants to continue to drink. It just bothers me that A was drinking in my house (which I am sure was probably happening before as A gets ready there every day and spends a lot of free time there when I am gone during the day), and that A left the cans where the kids could see them. As I had a bunch of stuff on the table I did not notice them at first. G sat down to do his homework and he was the one who mentioned them. He expressed that he knew whose they were, and seemed very sad, as A had promised him that the drinking was done, no more beer.
I am actually less upset over this than I thought I would be. In some ways I am relieved because I have not had the energy to bring it up, and have not felt it was really any of my business. So i left a note thanking A for being honest with me about the drinking, and asked that the cans not be left where the kids can see them. So, that was a good diplomatic solution, as A is free to live life however A sees fit, and I am also free to live my life the way that I see fit.
It is a very calming thing to know that you don't have to get upset about actions that in the past had been very upsetting. We are not together, we are living separate lives, and therefore I do not need to worry how A's actions and choices are going to impact my life (well at least not as much). I feel an odd sense of peace about this. So it is not as topsy turvy as I though I was going to feel when I started writing this post about 12 hours ago. Yeah, I am just getting back to it. I picked a $30 writing assignment at 11:15am with a 12 hour deadline, and so have had to focus on getting that submitted after the kids went to bed. It was more work than I anticipated, but i was able to submit the project at 11:07pm. So i made the deadline and hopefully it will be approved, and I will be $30 richer.
Anyway, I did laundry at the laundry mat this morning after dropping the kids off, so didn't get to the library until around 11:00, and then started this blog before realizing I needed to see if there were any assignments up for grabs. Which of course, there were and I spent the rest of my morning doing that. J had aquatic PT today, so my work time was an hour shorter. He did GREAT at swimming. I was so proud of him. His legs are scissoring more even in the water (hip abductors seem to be getting tighter) and the past few days I have noticed it more in his left than in his right, which is not normal for him. So I think its time to see his orthopedic surgeon for a followup and a hip x-ray. I am praying that the left hip has not dislocated (with the spacticity it is always a concern as the tight muscles and tendons pull on his bones--which is why he has malformed feet even with bracing since he was a baby). Its been over a year since his last x-ray, which showed some wearing of the socket, and flattening of the ball, which is why we all have been trying to get him UP on his feet as much as possible. If the hip joints get too far out of shape, his ability to walk will be further compromised. I know you are probably thinking "geez Heather, don't you have enough going on without worrying about these possibilities?" but it is not worry, it is awareness of them so that I can ensure that we can proactively address the issues in an attempt to prevent them rather than having to react when something does go wrong.
Okay, it has been a long day (aren't they all) and I have neither read nor watched netflix today--I have been trying to get some free relax time in to soothe my soul, which fun reading in particular does for me. however my eyes have been tired and burning (too much work on the computer) by the time I go to bed the past couple of weeks, so reading is hard. In that case I watch an episode of a show (movies are just too long). But tonight it is time to just crawl in bed and sleep.
Okay on to food for today:
Breakfast was a small (actually real portion size as opposed to the mega sizes you get elsewhere) sausage, egg and cheese on a English muffin from Cumberland farms (only $1.79) when I stopped to get gas. can you believe these gas prices?!?!Oh and a medium coffee with cream and sugar
I did not have time for lunch today, so when I got home at 4:00 I had a bowl of Cheerios with milk, and then a piece of bread with peanut butter on it.
At 6:30 we had dinner, which was Tuna fish sandwiches, homemade french fries and canned peaches.
I drank 4 cups of tea throughout the evening. I think I am going to have a small piece of toast with butter before I turn in, as the tea has given me heart burn, which will make it hard to sleep if I don't put something else on my stomach.
I feel like I have been seriously lacking in the vegetable department this past week, which means my kids have to. that is never good. I will be planning better.
I
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 23--moving on
It has come time to move on. I have finally gotten a call back from my family member and we spent a good long time talking today. When you have a few layers of miscommunication, and each attempt adds a layer, it takes a while to get down to what the real issues are. I was right, the little issue that should have been a simple conversation about miscommunication was truly a simple misunderstanding. But it WAS the underlying more problematic issue that was complicating matters. Though I was the one that saw it as underlying and they were considering it THE issue. Which was one of the other layers of miscommunication. I was trying to address the one simple communication glitch to get a simple answer, and they were dealing with that as on off shoot of the other issue. Well, needless to say, it was a long and difficult though very beneficial conversation. I was very glad to finally clear that up. It is going to take a while to let go of the residual emotions, and of course let go of the places where we do not agree. It was time to move on, I had already made that decision before the conversation. So it is providence that we were able to have the conversation that makes it possible to move on fully.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Okay on to food blogging. I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car. I had a cup of water after getting home. We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper. This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.
Day 23--Good Grief!!
Good Grief!! I forgot to do my weigh in again. I know you are probably thinking that I am afraid of my weigh in given the emotional eating pattern I have had over the past few days. I have actually made it to almost noon and have not cried today, so that is good. I did spend a lot of time with my feelings last night and this morning, I have done some exercises to let things go. I was actually able to sleep last night and meditate a bit this morning. So, slowly the fog is clearing, and I am moving back up the emotional ladder. Acceptance is sometimes a very hard thing, but it is part of letting go and moving forward. So i have accepted this situation, forgiven myself and my family member for each of the roles we have played. I let my sister know that when she is ready to talk, that I am ready to as well. And that she can take whatever time she needs. So, I am at a better place with all this. No, the situation itself has not changed, and there is still a lot of work to do no both of our parts to heal this rift that has opened between us, but I am finally okay with the rift, I am okay with the situation. It is what it is, and in time all wounds heal. So I am taking some steps up the emotional ladder, and waking up my life again after a few days where I have been separate from it.
As for my title and the expression "Good Grief" yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it. While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind. So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.
I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning. While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now. Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely.
If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks. It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given". The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love. I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning. I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here. That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly. It can be found here.
As for my title and the expression "Good Grief" yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it. While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind. So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.
I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning. While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now. Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely.
If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks. It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given". The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love. I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning. I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here. That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly. It can be found here.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 22-evening and sleepy
Okay so eating wise it has been a very uncontrolled day. I just keep telling myself "it will get better it will get better" I am trying to let it go, as that is the only thing than can help. So breathing, meditating, finding better feeling thoughts, etc....Letting It Go.
Okay food journal since my last post
I stopped at Taco bell/LJS and had a piece of fish, a soft taco supreme and my favorite, a 7-layer burrito
I also had a medium brewed tea (unsweetened)
At some point this after noon I had a handful of goldfish crackers (maybe 10 max, I was giving J a snack)
For dinner we had egg noodles with beef bullion, pinto beans and corn (all together)
I also had 2 pieces of wheat toast with butter
Late this evening I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk.
And I drank at least 8 glasses of water throughout the day.
Well, I am going to go to bed soon. If I can get sleep, I think I will have a better day tomorrow. What a sucky blog this is becoming, I have spent like the last 4 days with sad, blue, grumpy rambling about my yucky feelings. So, well it is a real life. It is time to move forward and find a better attitude.
Okay food journal since my last post
I stopped at Taco bell/LJS and had a piece of fish, a soft taco supreme and my favorite, a 7-layer burrito
I also had a medium brewed tea (unsweetened)
At some point this after noon I had a handful of goldfish crackers (maybe 10 max, I was giving J a snack)
For dinner we had egg noodles with beef bullion, pinto beans and corn (all together)
I also had 2 pieces of wheat toast with butter
Late this evening I had a bowl of corn flakes with milk.
And I drank at least 8 glasses of water throughout the day.
Well, I am going to go to bed soon. If I can get sleep, I think I will have a better day tomorrow. What a sucky blog this is becoming, I have spent like the last 4 days with sad, blue, grumpy rambling about my yucky feelings. So, well it is a real life. It is time to move forward and find a better attitude.
Day 22--I forgot to weigh in this morning
This weekend was very emotionally challenging, and I feel very drained. So I have not slept well, and as such I was an idiot this morning and forgot to do my weigh in. I hope you all can forgive me for that. I will weigh in tomorrow, and post a pic of the weigh in.
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
I don't even think I blogged yesterday, and my scattered brain can not remember exactly what I ate (that is why I try to food journal on the blog twice a day as it is easy to forget, especially when your mind is very preoccupied. I know that yesterday I had:
A bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheat with milk in the morning
And i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage for lunch for all of us.
I am sure I snacked in the afternoon, probably cereal
For dinner we had brown rice with butter, salt and pepper, hot dogs, and snow peas.
Sometime in the evening I remember having a bowl of All Bran Strawberry Medley with milk
And I drank a full pot of tea between mid-morning and bed time (it was cold by mid-afternoon, but I drink it cold).
I think I actually ate more than that, but it is fuzzy....
Like I said I eat as a way to control strong emotions, and this weekend I have just let this situation rise to a crushing level within me. And I do not have any other coping skills that are well established enough to really have any effect, so I resort to my primary coping skill--food. Not healthy, but we all have to survive however we can. i am not writing this to bitch or to defend my eating habits, just to remind myself that there are time to be gentle to your spirit, even if you do not like the way you have responded to things. You can not get better, can not grow if you spend a lot of energy putting yourself down.
Today I stopped at Burger King and had a coffee, orange juice, sausage, egg and cheese sandwich, and their hash browns. Some days I just don't care. There are many more important things in the world and in my life than what I am eating. But I made a commitment to blog, and even though I don't know if anyone else is reading it, I will still blog. I will keep my word on that. I'll write again later. I feel down right now, and maybe getting back into the swing of things will help me feel better...so later the post should be better...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day 20--a hard day
The effects of the situation that I talked about yesterday have been festering in my mind. I had horrible insomnia last night--perseverating on a situation that I have no way to change and have tried multiple approaches to discuss the issue. but if the other person refuses to address it, there is nothing I can do. At this point, the side effect of NOT being able to dialog with a person who is UNWILLING to dialog has left me feeling deep grief. I feel like I have lost my family member because of this.
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
I am actually beside myself today. And I don't care how I cope with this at this point, I just need to get through the day and hope that I can have a better sleep tonight and wake up able to accept that I have done all I can that I feel is appropriate for me to do, and just move on. Everything works out in the end, it just may be a long time for this to work its way out. But today I just feel really raw, depressed, heavy....
So basic food journal:
2 bowls of frosted shredded wheat with milk.
2 eggs Over easy with dry toast (no butter as I was out)
1 left over chicken burger on wheat bread with mayo
2 tuna fish sandwiches
4 cups of tea
3 glasses of water
and 2 oz of cheddar cheese
I believe that was it....I am going to try to watch something on netflix now as the kids are napping and I just need to get my focus on ANYTHING else...Things like this make me feel very lonely. I miss having A as a spouse (their is a lot that I miss about that) and times like this you just want to curl up in your loves arms and be comforted. But alas I am not ready to get that close to A again right now, and a would read a lot into it. So I will just have to feel lonely in this particular episode of grief...
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