Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as the ides of march. But it is the ides of April. I had a great walk around the pond this morning, then listened to some of a book on CD (which i had also been listening to while I walked) in the Jeep. I have A's Jeep today so A could drop my car off at the mechanic. I am grateful for the help. Though I am really not liking A not having a job. I am glad that A decided to go back to AA, but that does not make it easier for me to try to live my own life. A got back from the meeting and asked to spend the night. It makes me want to pull all of my hair out when I hear "I could just sleep on your floor." That puts me in the position of having so say no, of giving A the experience of rejection, of having to put up walls again. Every time I feel like we have taken a step forward in this building of our friendship, A makes me take a step back and realize that we have different goals, and I am not willing to accept A's goals. I will not get back together as a couple, there are too many lies, to many belligerent words, too much emotional abuse, and too much of an unhealthy relationship--even since we have tried to live closer to each other, not just old stuff, but CURRENT issues--it is too much, And I won't do it.
Overall though it was a good day. I had sausage egg and cheese on an English muffin, and a coffee. Later I had a turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickles. I had some chips and a yogurt. and i drank a lemonade in addition to my bottle of water. For dinner we had popcorn chicken, tater tots, and streamed broccoli. In the evening I had a big bowl of air popped popcorn with butter.
Note: I forgot to post this last night (I just saved it), so I am posting it now.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Day 32--I think, i will actually have to go back and count that out again
Well, I have not weighed myself since last week, and was going to do it this morning, but I was distracted by the power being out, and thus forgot. Luckily it was only out in my town and when I got down the hill (i.e. the mountain I drive down everyday), the lights were on in the rest of the towns I passed through and there were no delays at either of the boys school. It is going to be strange next year when I put the kids on buses and do not make this drive every day. Granted I have through august that I will be so it is till about 5 more months of driving. I toyed with the idea of having the bus transport for the summer program, but for consistency I will drive until the kids start the next school year. J will actually be going in town to the local school. It will be interesting to see how well he does there. I am looking forward to it. J is going to do great.
Spring is doing wonders for my life. I LOVE the walks every day. Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret." The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area. The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy. I love daffodils.
As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water. I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning. It was WAY TOO sweet.
I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...
Spring is doing wonders for my life. I LOVE the walks every day. Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret." The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area. The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy. I love daffodils.
As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water. I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning. It was WAY TOO sweet.
I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A spring day and decisions
I am so happy that spring is finally here. Even though I still have yet to see my yard, the snow is retreating and I will soon have a yard back. At the ponds where I spend my days, the snow is pretty much all gone. The daffodils are about to open, it is so close and by tomorrow the beautiful yellow flower should be greeting the sunshine.
I don't think I blogged about the remainder of my eating yesterday, so I will try to remember. For lunch yesterday I had a spicy chicken sandwich and french fries and water. For dinner we had homemade mac and cheese made with vegetable rotini, and hot dogs and green beans. i had popcorn and a couple of chocolate eggs later in the evening.
Today I had a cheese danish and coffee for early breakfast, and a yogurt with oatmeal and dried fruit for late breakfast. I had a cheese burger and fries fro lunch with lemonade. I had mac and cheese for a mid-afternoon snack. For dinner we had English muffin pizza with peperoni, mushrooms, and cheese. We also had grapes. I had alot of water. I have had a banana tonight and had a bowl of cereal (raisin bran with milk).
I have been thinking a lot about decisions. Not what decisions to make, but rather about the fear and the uncertainty that keeps us from following through with our decisions. Just something to think about and process through....
I don't think I blogged about the remainder of my eating yesterday, so I will try to remember. For lunch yesterday I had a spicy chicken sandwich and french fries and water. For dinner we had homemade mac and cheese made with vegetable rotini, and hot dogs and green beans. i had popcorn and a couple of chocolate eggs later in the evening.
Today I had a cheese danish and coffee for early breakfast, and a yogurt with oatmeal and dried fruit for late breakfast. I had a cheese burger and fries fro lunch with lemonade. I had mac and cheese for a mid-afternoon snack. For dinner we had English muffin pizza with peperoni, mushrooms, and cheese. We also had grapes. I had alot of water. I have had a banana tonight and had a bowl of cereal (raisin bran with milk).
I have been thinking a lot about decisions. Not what decisions to make, but rather about the fear and the uncertainty that keeps us from following through with our decisions. Just something to think about and process through....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another day, another new start
Each day is a new start. No matter how bad the day before was, there is always something new in a new day. It is a new chance to realize that THIS day is the first day of the rest of your life.
"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?" "Because you're insane!" From an audio program with Wayne Dyer. It was exactly what I needed. He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want. When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives. So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently. We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us. As we do, more and more of those things will grow. To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.
As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life. It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on. As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable. As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again. That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like. It is my choice, it is my focus. So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.
A was fired form the convenience store yesterday. The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work, I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this. "I was fired for no reason". When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that. SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now. Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on. A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking). So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life. It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around. I have been focusing too much on the negative. I have focused too little on the positive. I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want. Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward. Each moment you can change your mind.
I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing. It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming. On the person I really am. It helps greatly in my transformation. My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit. It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level. It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is good...life is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.
Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write. I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water. I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch. For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.
Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.
I also walked at the other park today. As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down. So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today. I'll write again later...
"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?" "Because you're insane!" From an audio program with Wayne Dyer. It was exactly what I needed. He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want. When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives. So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently. We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us. As we do, more and more of those things will grow. To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.
As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life. It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on. As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable. As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again. That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like. It is my choice, it is my focus. So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.
A was fired form the convenience store yesterday. The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work, I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this. "I was fired for no reason". When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that. SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now. Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on. A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking). So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life. It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around. I have been focusing too much on the negative. I have focused too little on the positive. I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want. Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward. Each moment you can change your mind.
I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing. It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming. On the person I really am. It helps greatly in my transformation. My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit. It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level. It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is good...life is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.
Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write. I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water. I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch. For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.
Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.
I also walked at the other park today. As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down. So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today. I'll write again later...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....
I have been dealing with a very annoying and extremely persistent round of the "shoulda woulda coulda" monsters. A few years ago (for a period of a few year, so not a fleeting thing) I had reached a point in my life where I had no regrets, where I could look at the journey my life had taken, the good and the bad, the decisions I had made, the mistakes I had made, the things that I had been done to me that I had no control over, the things that I had control over and allowed to happen anyway, the dreams I had followed, the dreams I had walked away from--all of those things that had made up my life, that had brought me to that point were things I was willing to accept and welcome, as I could see how they made me into the person I was at that point. As much as I hated some of the paths my life had traveled through, I was proud of the person I had become, and looking forward to a bright and successful future. I will not go into it all, as it was amazing and alot, but....
Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....
This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that is being more difficult to overcome. Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist. I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world. I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church. I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family. Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go
Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....
This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that is being more difficult to overcome. Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist. I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world. I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church. I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family. Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The weekend...
Wow. I just realized that I have not posted since Friday morning. It is a beautiful weekend weather wise. We even got up near 60 degrees at home today. And the monstrous mountain of snow in front of my house is now only about 5 feet high. I can't see any yard yet, its still under at least 2-3 feet of snow, but the driveway is clearer which is nice.
Okay so Friday was a nice day. I need to get to food journaling. So Friday I had a sub on 9 grain wheat with cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, banana peppers, pickles, and chipolte sauce (at subway). I also had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a single size bag of smartfood popcorn. For dinner, the kids had mini pizzas and A and I had steak-um sandwiches. I ate some jelly beans with the kids sometime in the evening.
Saturday I had ww toast with pb and honey, and later a bowl of cheerios with milk. I had a little box mac & cheese for lunch. For dinner I went over to my Dad's house. I brought baked chicken, and my sister and her kids brought mac salad and chips, and we all enjoyed a nice meal and conversation. I had some microwave popcorn in the evening after we got home.
Today for eats, I had toast with PB & honey, and cheerios with milk. For lunch I made scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice, as well as 2 cups of tea. I had some popcorn with a cup of tea this afternoon.
I have been trying to organize my house today. It is always nice to have things neater and calmer.
Okay so Friday was a nice day. I need to get to food journaling. So Friday I had a sub on 9 grain wheat with cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, banana peppers, pickles, and chipolte sauce (at subway). I also had a bottle of water, a cup of coffee and a single size bag of smartfood popcorn. For dinner, the kids had mini pizzas and A and I had steak-um sandwiches. I ate some jelly beans with the kids sometime in the evening.
Saturday I had ww toast with pb and honey, and later a bowl of cheerios with milk. I had a little box mac & cheese for lunch. For dinner I went over to my Dad's house. I brought baked chicken, and my sister and her kids brought mac salad and chips, and we all enjoyed a nice meal and conversation. I had some microwave popcorn in the evening after we got home.
Today for eats, I had toast with PB & honey, and cheerios with milk. For lunch I made scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice, as well as 2 cups of tea. I had some popcorn with a cup of tea this afternoon.
I have been trying to organize my house today. It is always nice to have things neater and calmer.
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