Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....

I have been dealing with a very annoying and extremely persistent round of the "shoulda woulda coulda" monsters.  A few years ago (for a period of a few year, so not a fleeting thing) I had reached a point in my life where I had no regrets, where I could look at the journey my life had taken, the good and the bad, the decisions I had made, the mistakes I had made, the things that I had been done to me that I had no control over, the things that I had control over and allowed to happen anyway, the dreams I had followed, the dreams I had walked away from--all of those things that had made up my life, that had brought me to that point were things I was willing to accept and welcome, as I could see how they made me into the person I was at that point.  As much as I hated some of the paths my life had traveled through, I was proud of the person I had become, and looking forward to a bright and successful future.  I will not go into it all, as it was amazing and alot, but....

Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....

This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"  that is being more difficult to overcome.  Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist.  I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world.  I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church.  I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family.  Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go