What a week!

Well, the first week of school has been interesting.  Gonzalo is doing very well so far.  I have noticed as the summer went on (both while he was in summer school and during our weeks at home afterwards) that he seems to have gained some maturity and is gaining an understanding of the fact that to make friends he has to treat his peers with more respect.  At school so far he has had a really good week.  He has also discovered reading for pleasure, which is something I have been trying to cultivate for him, as I know how great it can be to enjoy, learn from, and lose yourself in books, especially as a stress control method.  I am looking forward to him being in the same classroom with teachers who know him well, know his triggers, know the signs that he is heading for trouble, and know how to work with him to help him keep himself under control so that he can enjoy life, enjoy school, learn, and move forward.  His teachers care, and that is vital to him being able to be successful and grow in positive directions.

Josiah has had a rough start to Kindergarten, as I mentioned in my previous post.  I have had a rough week too, because I know knee-jerk reactions will not help anything, and keeping my head about me when I feel things are not being done in the best way for him.  He is my baby after all.  We had the same types of issues when Gonz went to kindergarten.  Children with special needs present issues in a variety of areas for a variety of reason, not just their primary area of development that dominates their special needs.  And even teachers with some experience with children with special needs have to take time to learn about and adjust to a new child, even if they have had similar children before.  As Kindergarten marks the year when a child goes from the child-centric, super supportive of the individual environment of a special needs preschool (like both Gonzo and Josiah had for their 3-5 year old ages), it is a shock to enter mainstream (or in G's case integrated) public school kindergarten, where it is class-centric, group focused, not focused on how to best educate and support each individual child.  So he needs time to learn how to be an individual that is the member of a group.  The great learned institutionalism that dominates our modern society.  It has its place, but it also alienates people who are amazing, intelligent people, who just do not conform well to the expected tacit rules.  Josiah will adjust, he has a personality that really does want to fit in.  I think it will get easier for him as he gets used to how things work, and I hope that the daily communication between the school and myself will make it easier for them to learn how to help him, and for him to learn how to help himself. 

Starting school each year, especially when the kids are changing schools or dealing with new people who have expectations that the kids need to adjust to, brings me back to my wondering how to help the kids find the balance between being part of a group (institutionalism) and staying true to who they are (individualism).  I have trouble striking the balance sometimes, though am normally successful at it.  My basic core values and the basic expectations of this culture have a lot of overlap, so it is not so difficult.  My father has trouble conforming and fitting in, not so much with the general culture, as he is shining, happy, and in his element when surrounded by college professors, graduate students, and other people of intellectual focus (like when he used to be in groups of my old friends or when he goes and visits my sister -- who is a college professor now).  He more has trouble with this small town, isolated, rural culture that does not have much int he way of intellectual stimulation or philosophical discussion.  So he is fairly reclusive, spending most of his time doing his own things, socially visiting with his few friends who ARE more intellectual in their focus, and reading.  I have been back for two years and have really not established any friends here.  For the same reasons, and for the additional reason of the fact that raising two kids with special needs makes it difficult to cultivate new relationships with people.    How do I help the kids stay secure in themselves, knowing how amazing they are and how incredible they are now and how incredible they can be as they grow and learn, AND help them to find ways to fit in, to look to their peers to learn how to behave in a way that is acceptable to the group mentality, to grow in ways that are respectful to others and seen as respectable as well?  Often, i go back to our ideas of starting our own school, that takes them child-centric focus of the preschools for special needs kids, and implements it in a K-12 school open to ALL children where the gifted and talented and the "regular kids" and the kids with special needs ALL get individual education plans, and can grow and learn together without the regimented institutional quality of the public school system....I need to find a philanthropic investor......

School Began...

Josiah's first day at scholl was, well, difficult.  Indian Lake does this great first day celebration thing for the first couple of hours.  Not so great for kids with special needs, but a great community buiiding, all school, VERY activity packed morning that parents and community can attend as well.  Poor Josiah was totaly exhausted and overwhelmed when I left at 10:30, which is when the classes enter a more normal kind of routine.  He had a couple of complete meltdowns in the afternoon--He was exhausted (mentally and physically) by all the comotion of the morning (he is used to a calmer, single room (they did everything, even meals, in their room at Prospect), more protected environment).  He was overwhelmed.  And I really should have arranged for him to start with a half day.  He did like school, but by the time he got home he had circles under his eyes--and he had gotten 11 hours of sleep the night before!  Today is a more normal routine, and should be more to his pace of life (though I am not sure, I sometimes forget how slowly we take life in a house with two children with extra needs--though I also perfer the slower pace of life where you can actually ENJOY and savor experiences, like father like daughter I suppose). 

I really do think that if he can get use to the pace, he will flourish. He will enjoy being able to go to various specials outside of the room, but the school is not handicap accessible (weird in this day and age, I know) and has stairs everywhere, so he is having a lot of challenges (which is good in many ways, but tiring), but can not use his wheel chair if he gets tired because there are no ramps or elevators. He is doing great with his walker, and is working on using stairs, though I wish he were a little further along with that, but you take life as it comes, he will master stairs with assistance soon, and maybe move on to stairs unassisted at some point in the future. As much as I would like him to be able to take adavantage of the wonderful small class size (7 kids in a public mainstream Kindergarten with his academic focus), and the fact that this school truly values each student as an individual and I have seen how much they try to do all they can for each child to help them and thier class as a whole be successful, I am beginning to doubt my decision about not moving to a more handicap accessible school district. 

I am going to give it a couple of months and see how things work out for him, as I really do think that, oddly, Indian Lake can offer him the best chance to be embraced by a community of his peers, challenge him to rise above his disabilties, really help him gain confidence (not that he really lacks it now) and support his academic, social, and cognitive development.   Hopefully he will be able to adjust to the environment, and just as importantly, they to him.  Some people still try to make round pegs out of kids, and to do so, you lose over 40 % of the non round peg kids--the ones who can't be forcibly jammed into the round holes. MAybe he can change the round pegs a biut and give them more freedom. It is great for the other kids to be able to gain the knowledge now that people are people, regardless of abilities, skin tone, or background.  So many studies have shown that typical kids who are educated with non-typical peers, are more compassionate, more understanding, more tolerant, and more successful in their adult careers, as it broadens their minds to have friends who are different than they are.

On another note, aside from a slight miscommunication in the timing of Gonzo's bus pickup, Gonzo seemed to have had a fine first day of school.  I am hoping tha having him have teh same classmates, teachers, room, and routine that the had last year, will really help him keep his behavior more well contained, and will encourage him to progress more academically and find great pleasure in his acheivements.  That is my hope for Gonz for this year.

Summer Break...Finally

Well,  one of the interesting thing about raising children with special needs, is that sometimes they have extra things, like six weeks of summer school to keep them on track academically, behaviorally, and with their therapies.  Which means a much shorter summer break for them.  Friday was their last day of school, and on Sunday we headed out to visit A's family.  A's sister recently bought a cottage on the shores of Lake Ontario.  We did see it soon after they bought it, but they were in the process of giving it a lot of the TLC it needed, so it was in disarray and under construction projects to repair and rehab it.  Now it is mostly done (the bathroom is in rehab still, but functional) and we spend Sunday night out there.  I have never spent any time at the Great Lakes, but wow is it similar to the ocean in sound.  The cottage is on a rocky shore, so the waves lapping the rocks reminded me (in sound) to one of my all time favorite places in the world--Bass Rocks in Gloucester, MA. 

Though the waves are smaller, they were still impressive for a lake, a lake you can not see the other side of.  It was beautiful.  However it was a rainy weekend, and the storms from Sunday had the lake very choppy, so it was not really safe to take a swim at such a rocky shore, so the kids did not get to go with with their life jackets.  But we did go down the steps and put our feet in the water sitting on the rocks, we got splashed quite a bit too as the waves sent up a lot of spray.  The kids (and we) enjoyed the deck area overlooking the lake, and some of the waves were big enough to splash us even up there.  hat night, with the windows open, we could clearly listen to the waves, and it was wonderful.  As many similarities as there are to the ocean front, there are as many differences.  It smelled like a lake, and felt like a lake.  As absolutely beautiful as it is, it made me long for my great love--the North Atlantic. 

I found myself longing for the smell of the sea, the call of the gulls, and the "feel" of the ocean.  I miss the ocean, and have for the past 11 1/2 years, as I have only visited.  Even when I lived in Florida, it was the Gulf of Mexico, and though I loved snorkeling and swimming in that warm salty water, I loved even more the idea that the water I was in would eventually reach the North Atlantic, so I felt connected, even in that warm Gulf to the cold shores so many miles away.  I had hoped to take the kids camping this summer out on the North Shore, but alas it appears funds may be inadequate to do that.  Winter is approaching, and my primary source of income has ended.  Summer is winding down (and we are finally in a 3 week of vacation time), and so the window of opportunity is closing.  We have soem other daystuff planned, and may camp out on my Dad's property for a couple of days.  Had my IRS refund come in time, that little inexpensive vacation to Massachusettes would have been one of the things on the list that the refund would go to.  But with this darn audit review, only God know when they will release my refund.

The kids did have fun, and we got to see the baby's (both of A's niece's have little ones now).  We also got to celebrate some of the August birthdays as in addition to Josiah, A's niece S and her daughter M (who is celebrating her 1st birthday!!) are also in August.  So we did a combined birthday cook out at the cottage and had salt potatoes, corn on the cob, hot dogs and hamburgers, and of course cake.  Then Josiah opened a bunch of present from A's family, and we gave our gifts to the others. We finally got to actually meet A's other niece's little son, who is a couple of months old.  He is a beautiful baby.  A said it feels weird to have a new generation starting in the family. I imagine it does, but since A is nearer to my parents age than to mine, it makes sense that they would have the next generation coming up.  Overall it was a very nice visit.  I originally asked A to go without me, but a is nervous about the new job which is starting today, and so did not think that with that stress, could handle the boys alone all weekend in that trip.  So I went too.  It was good to see A's family, though they seem to be under the impression that we are still together, or at least just barely separated.  Perhaps most people think that, as I suppose we appear to be that way, it is hard to let go, and it is hard to find the balance that allow a friendship without being an enabler.  I think we are getting closer, and that it is finally understood between the two of us that friendship is our aim, not reconciliation.

A started the new job today.  I am an optimistic person, but with so many job losses over the past couple of years, it is hard to think that maybe, just maybe, this job will be here to stay and A can get an apartment, move out of my father's house, and actually begin to be self-supporting, have time alone with the kids without me arranging it, and be able to rebuild a life.  We can all hope and pray.  Especially since I am seriously considering moving in with my father as finding a source of income (i.e. a job that works with my children's special needs or enough income generating from writing, blogging, and online clicks/sales) is proving to take a great deal longer than I expected or can really plan for.  The economy is making this harder than expected.  So the possibility of moving in with my father (who has a 5 bedroom house and heats with wood, and only he and my brother live there usually, so there are extra rooms) is a distinct possibility--as long as A moves out (the old "I'll only be there for a month, two tops" thing A said back in January is a little crazy given that it is nearly 8 months...).  But that is just where we are...things to think about...

I'm NOT "so tired..."

Have you ever had one of those self-conversations that you have out of habit?  You know, where you talk to yourself in your head about something?  And you have the same thing to say everyday?  Okay, so...

I realized I have this little, almost subconscious conversation with my self every time I sit down in the library to start writing.  And it usually is the first time I have really sat down (aside from driving) that day, and it goes like this:

{sit down} "whew!  Ahh.  <sigh>"
{shift a little to get the computer in the right place and my butt in a more comfy spot on the chair} "boy am I so tired."

I was going thru my little ritual this morning, which is the first time I actually noticed it.  And I realized that no...nope.....un-uh...I am NOT so tired....

I actually feel more alert and awake today than I usually do...

Well, there is something that is new.  That is a step in the right direction.

In a seemingly LONG period of a life in Transformation, changes seem to occur so slowly from my perspective--I'd love to just wake up thin, strong, healthy, happy and at Peace one day.  But I am smart enough to know that unless I change both my attitudes and my actions, that is not going to happen.  So when I realize that SOMETHING is different, it gives me great satisfaction.  I have been taking this transformation of life thing very slowly.  Not necessarily consciously, but certainly there were underlying subconscious reasons for my slow progress.  After all, we all say we WANT change, but how many of us really do?

I realized this subconscious holding myself back problem a few months ago.  But I had not really done much with that wonderful and potentially powerful realizations (stored fat as with stored ideas have LOT of potential, but unless you apply force, they remain un-actualized potential...its the laws of physics...).

So let me start with a few things from last week, which was a very busy week.  My sister and her family from South Carolina were visiting, and as I only see them twice a year, I spent a lot of time after picking the kids up from school going to whoevers home they were at (my other sisters' houses, my fathers, my mothers, etc...).  So it was a bit of a crazy, almost never home, week as we leave at 7am to take the boys to school and would not get home most nights until 9pm (making it late nights for the boys as well).  On Thursday, My sister and her husband (the ones from SC) asked if anyone needed a blender, and I have been looking for a blender at the second hand shops, and so I said I would love to have it.  So they passed on a brand new blender to me.  You see I had been trying to figure out ways to get more veggies into my body and had been reading some about green smoothies, so was looking for a blender so I could try it out.  I figured if I blended veggies I could drink them, and thus be more likely to add them to my regular habits.  But I was searching half heartily because the sound of a green smoothie, well just made my palate want to shrivel.

Then Saturday was my Mom's CD release party.  Her first CD "We'll Get Through" is finally out there in the world, and the party on Saturday was a thank you celebration for all the people and community who had been so supportive of her music over the years.  She has been a local musician for well over a decade, even was on Nashville's star search about 12 years ago and won.  She recorded a couple of songs then, but life got in the way, and she did not even touch on the music business (aside from playing locally often) until a couple of years ago, when she requested the mastered copies of her two songs.  The producer had them digitally remastered, and when he listened to them again, he was very excited and asked her if she had written more.  Of course she had, and she and Jim (my step father) had been doing a lot of local performances.  So they were invited back down to Nashville to record some more songs, and recently were picked up by Tate Music Group.  So it is all very exciting, and there was a big shindig.  They did a raffle and donated the monies to the local Community Action Agency.  They invited a number of other local artists to come and sing, and even set up their karaoke machine towards the end.  It was a great night.

A came after work and I sent the kids home around 9:30 (after they had each gotten to sing a couple of songs--Josiah is such a showman, and Gonzo was not going to be left out...).  So A took them home for me and gave them baths (they were filthy) and put them to bed.  I stayed to finish out the night and help with the clean up.  It was about 10:30 when I got home, bringing my dad with me.  As A is still living at my Dad's house, I figured he could catch a  ride home with A.   So by the time they headed out and I got the kids fully settled into bed (they were still awake (overtired) when I got home but they were in their beds).  By then it was around 11:15pm.  I had been up until 2am the night before getting some posters for the event finished (my computer issues made it so late).  I was exhausted, but my mind was still buzzing, so I thought "I'll just watch part of a documentary on Netflix to wind down before I go to sleep.  (I love documentaries and have been watching a bunch on agriculture, health, food supply and other challenging our world today--having worked in agricultural research for nearly 10 years, I am always interested to see how things are going). 

So, I picked a movie that I thought looked kinda uninteresting (I was trying to lull myself to sleep remember), and within 5 minutes I was riveted.  I was so impressed and inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that I stayed up until 1am to watch it.  It was so compelling to me, that I ended up getting up before the kids the next morning and watching it again.  Perhaps it is because so much of what I have been thinking about was brought up in it, or perhaps because I was just finally ready to hear it, it just moved me.  To watch two people, one of whom I "get" (Phil the 429 lb truck driver), truly and completely transform their lives is so little time with so little effort (but a HUGE mental, emotional commitment). 

It finally dawned on my--If I truly want to transform my life, really turn it around, I have to get off the road I am traveling on, not just pull into the other lane like I have been doing.  I have to do something more drastic and radical with my life.  If I want to get well, I have to live well, not just toy with idea.  If I want my body to be healthy, I can't just tweak things here and there, I am WAY too far down the road of unhealthy to be able to get back with little changes.  It is time to reboot my life.  While the movie focuses on a juice fast, with my current health a juice fast is not advised (the joys of type 2 diabetes).  So, I have done a lot of reading and such both before and after this past weekend, and have decided to go on a path of not just adding more fruits and veggies to my diet, but radically changing the way I think about the food I eat, and making my eating style to be predominately vegetables.  And yes, that blender is coming in quite handy.

So yesterday, after spending 3 hours and $300 on getting my car so it is safe to drive (still needs another $600 worth of work, but bit by bit is coming along), I went to the grocery store, not the usual discount food store I  tend to shop at, but a REAL grocery store, where they have a huge selection of higher quality produce, and I bought a LOT of vegetables and some fruit.  (can you tell I got paid last Friday, and I got the unexpected bonus of a couple of additional checks I was not expecting for a couple more weeks, so I was able to fix the car AND go shopping).  Last night when I got home, I made a green smoothie:
2 Kale Leaves
1 apple
3 celery stalks
1 mango
1/2 cucumber
1tbs spirulina
1 tbs flax seeds
ice
and blended it all up.  It was tastier than I thought it would be.  I made the kids drink a couple ounces of it as I know having the extra nutrients will be a benefit to them.  I thought it was really tasty (the mango really was strong).  the kids did not like it so much and A came over after work and tried some as well, but did not find it as tasty, but okay.

It was sweltering hot (I know for those in the midwest it probably would have felt refreshing, but alas I am not used to heat near 90) so we had turkey sandwiches and strawberries for dinner.  I decided that that will be my last refined meal for a while. 

I am committing to starting today--TODAY--to truly transforming my relationship with food and my body.  For the next 30 days, I will eat only vegetables, fruit, nuts, and beans.  No canned food.  No processed foods.  No meat or dairy.  Only fresh food that has grown from the sunlight and the ground.  While not the 60 day fresh juice fast that the movie focused on, I know that this healthy, balanced, drastic change will help me on my path to a healthier stronger me, and will help reset my taste buds and my habits, so that as I add back in other foods--like eggs, fish, poultry and whole grains--that I will be able to do so without them taking over my body.  I plan to very rarely have processed foods again.  And as I change what I eat, I will begin changing what my children eat too.  While on Friday I shopped at our normal discount food place and bought a bunch of our "regular" food stuffs that the kids like, once it is gone, I will not be buying it again.  So while I do a drastic 180degree turn in my eating, I am going to take an incremental approach with my kids, doing less and less refined and processed foods and introducing more and more fresh, whole foods to their diets.  I have already been doing this, but at a slower pace than I should have been.  I will make them drink a couple of ounces of a green smoothie each afternoon though, treat it like medicine, so they benefit from the amazing micro-nutrient density of it, and who knows, maybe someday they will end up liking it and asking for it as a snack...

So today I made a smoothie for breakfast:
1/4 cantaloupe melon
1/2 cucumber
2 handfuls of Spring Mix baby lettuce
1 celery stalk
1/2 tbs flax seed
1/2 tbs spirulina

I took half and left half int he fridge for A (who still gets ready for work at my house as my father's hot water is thru a wood boiler and you have to start a fire out in the boiler like 30-60 minutes before you have the water hot enough for a shower.  As A prefers to shower in the morning, my house is easier).  It was too thick, and lacked something, but was still tasty.  I think tomorrow I will as 1/4 of a lemon and see if that helps.

I have also had 16 oz of unsweetened brewed iced tea, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a grapefruit.  When I get back in the car, I am going to have an apple, some spring mix and cucumbers, and some raw almonds.

so today is Day one of a drastic transformation leaf for this Life in Transformation.  Oh, and perhaps I am starting to feel the effects of more nutrient dense foods, because I am NOT "so tired..." today....

Okay, so I HAVEN'T figured out how to post from the cell phone....

Well, It has been a busy week and I had thought I had sent a couple of posts from my cell phone, short ones, but little updates.  However, it seems they never materialized on this blog, so I guess I have NOT figured out how to do quick blog posts via text.  Oh well...

This past week, the kids were on a short summer vacation between the end of the regular school year and the beginning of summer school, which started today.  We had a pretty low key week last week--hung out at home, splashed around in the kiddie pool on a couple of hot days, played video games and watched movies on rainy days, visited with my father, stopped down to coffee at my sister's house, walked up town for ice cream at the Ice Cream Garden (less than 1/3 of a mile, first downhill then up a slowly slopping hill).  On the way there (which is mostly uphill) Gonzo said to me "mom this is way too far to walk", so I told him that he takes more actual steps running around the house than we were taking getting ice cream (the child never stops moving).  Josiah was in his wheel chair.  While he is getting very good with his walker and doing some amazing things, that is WAY too far for him to even attempt.  So he got a nice ride.  We walked past the lake, which is near our house, and which is always pretty.  After ice cream we walked home, mostly down hill and past the lake again.  Gonzo did not complain at all about walking downhill.  We stopped by the little playground next to the lake and played--Josiah loves the swings and is strong and stable enough now to be on a regular swing, so he had a blast, and Gonzo climbed and crawled and did the monkey bars and slides. We then collected some rocks to toss into the water.  Then walked the last 100 feet to our house.  Gonzo was able to cut through the woods (a thick bunch of trees and large rocks at the bottom of the hill that creates a visual barrier to the road) to cross the yard when we were in sight of the house, which made Josiah a little jealous, as he wanted to do that too.  But there was no way for me to get his chair through the little path, as you have to go over and around some boulders and between tree trunks.

Then this weekend we went camping at Garnet Lake, a little lake kind of in the middle of nowhere, except that a LOT of people have seasonal homes and such around the lake.  My sisters grabbed a couple of the campsites, and between the two campsites we ended up with 12 tents and 27 people (if I counted right).  In addition to my sisters and their families (One sister had she and her boyfriend and the two little kids, and the other sister had three tents--one for them, one for the girls, and one for the boys as her kids are in the teens & tweens, and brought friends too).  In addition to family, another family that is a friend of one of my sister's and comes every year ended up bringing a lot of friends and family with them.  I was glad that I was not set up at the big main site, as there ended up being a lot of people who did not have kids there, and they used the camping time as a drunk fest, which is so not what I want my kids around. 

Overall, my family decided that next year, we are not camping with them again, as it really was not what we were looking for.  My one sister and her friend have done this camping trip together on 4th of July weekend for over 7 years (this is the first year I have gone for overnight, I have visited to spend the day before).  But the other group is just not a very family friendly group.  So next year, my sisters and I agreed we would find a different camping spot for our 4th of July camping trip.  Don't get me wrong, the trip was great.  The boys and I got there late on Friday and set up our tent at the smaller site with my one sister and her kids (the one with older kids), my dad set up there too, then we cooked dinner at the main site, and I met a bunch of the people who were set up there.  Most of them had been there since morning.  After dinner we roasted marshmallows, made smores, and later went down to the beach area, and one of the guys set off a couple of fireworks.  Then I put my kids to bed.  At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to hang out with everyone at the main site, but it was actually very peaceful to sit by my own campfire and relax int eh calm.  My one sister, whom I had had some strained relationship with earlier this year, came down too and we spend some times just hanging out by the fire (hers were the tents that were in that site also.  Then Saturday we got up and went up to the main site, cooked breakfast over the fire, and hung out with everyone for a while.  Then most of us with kids (and a few without) went down to the beach area.  We swam and played in the water.  some of us brought snacks and stuff down, my dad started the campfire that was at the beach area, and we canoed and kayaked and swam and tubed most of the day.  Josiah got really sleepy, in the afternoon so I took him across the road to our tent, and layed down with him and Gonzo.  My mom arrived as we were heading up for the nap.  A little while later, while the boys were still sleeping she came up to the site and we chatted for a while.  I had to wake the boys up for dinner when my nephew came down to tell us that dinner was ready in the main site.  So we headed there for dinner and chatted with everyone.  there was a steep hill that lead from the main flat area of the campsite up to a path to the outhouse and them up further to a couple more tent sites.  Some of the kids had been going up and down the hill during the day, just playing, but then Josiah wanted to go up the hill.  He was pushing his walker and started slipping and I said to him "bud, I know you want to go up there, but I don't think you are ready for that yet" (it was a very long, very steep hill with lots of roots and rocks, hard even for fully able bodied kids to walk up).  He looked right at me and said "oh yes I am!"  and I walked behind him as he amazed me, and everyone else by making all the way to the top of this difficult path.  It took quite a bit of time and a lot of work on his part, but he did it!!  I wished I had a video camera or even a regular camera.  He was amazing.  coming back down was actually harder because, well it is steep with rocks and roots, and he was walking with a walker.  so I did a lot more catching and repositioning of him on the way back down taking it only 2-3 feet at a time so we didn't tumbled down the hill.  He made it to the top ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! People clapped as he came back down, even people who didn't know him.  Everyone was amazed by his determination--what a champion that boy is!!!  He'll climb mountains someday, without my help.


We did fireworks at the beach that night, but Josiah and I stayed up at the main site, as he was afraid of the noise.  He has a lot of noise sensitivity because he has some patchy hearing loss, making him oversensitive to certain sounds.  So he and I watch through the trees with my hands glued over his ears so he could enjoy the fireworks.  Last year when we went to the circus I brought ear plugs (actually I had my step father pick up ear plugs for Josiah).  He could actually enjoy the circus without being terrified of what loud sound was going to startle him next.  Gonzo is also sound sensitive, so he liked the ear plugs too.  I wish I had brought them for the camping, but I did not know there were going to be fireworks.  Overall, it was a great trip.  We left Sunday morning after breakfast to go home so the kids could spend time with A.  We got home and had dinner, and then went to the parade in town.  The parade ended at the park by the lake by our house.  They had live music, which we could hear from home, so we had free entertainment.  The town fireworks are set off by the lake right next to our house (through the woods).  and the fireworks actually go right over the house, so we just set up our chairs int he front yard and enjoyed the fireworks Sunday night from home with A.  My brother came for a bit and then met up with friends down by the lake.  the rest of my family was still camping. Like last year, pieces of the fireworks kept bouncing off the roof.  Only one firework ended up coming in too low and still flaming as the pieces landed around the house and yard, but they went out quickly on their own (last year we had some we had to stomp on). On Monday we did some running around, I had left my tent at the camp site for my nephew to use and to dry out as it rained on Sunday, and we went to pack it up Monday (its about 45 minutes from our house) and A wanted to see the camping area.  When we got there, my family had already cleared out, and did me a favor of taking my tent with them (which I did not know), so we stopped first at my one sisters house (only about 10 miles from the camp site and only 1 mile off the road we needed to take anyway), and chatted with her.  I am glad we left on Sunday as the crowd got really rowdy and not pleasant with the addition of a couple of extra people on Sunday evening, and my sister and her husband ended up going to the little campsite with their kids early, while my other sister just took her kids to bed as they were set up at the main site.  So I missed to less pleasant part of the camp trip.  Then we just came home and made burgers and hung out.

I put the kids to bed early as they started their summer programs today and I wanted them to be well rested.  J is in a different classroom for the summer, one more mainstream than the one he was used to , though he already knew the teacher and half the kids where in his room before, so not a huge switch for him.  G on the other hand in in a totally new setting.  As his self contained classroom is run through BOCES but housed in a regular school, he is normally at the smaller elementary school.  But the summer program pools all of the kids from all five counties who need the summer program (as so few of them qualify for it) and they pool them at the main BOCES building.  So it is a much larger building, totally different setting, different teacher, different kids, different aid, etc....  As Gonzo usually had a honeymoon period when faced with a new situation, and is a bit more withdrawn while he gets the lay of the land, I am betting he will do alright for the six weeks.  Today and tomorrow might be little rocky, as he was quite withdrawn when I left.  Which I suppose is better than full blown acting out.  Ahhh....the joys of autism.... (said facetiously, of course)....

I think he will do okay.  He had a one to one aid for the summer, and qualified teachers and assistants in the room.  I am a little worried about what new behaviors he will pick up from the new kids, as he has a knack for adopting the most challenging behaviors he can find, and with all new kids,a ll who have issues, there are going to be new behaviours for him to test out and add to his already extensive repertoire.  And I sure he will add some to other kids arsenals too--share and share alike.  Enough with the truthful jesting now....I hope that he finds a friend in this program.  He is starting to actually want a friend, and to realize that most kids have friends.  With a new infusion of kids, I am hoping that he can hit it off with one of the kids and find a common interest.  His pure fascination with bugs may find a fellow budding entomologist among the summer school kids.  It would be great for him to make a friend.

Well, I best pack it up.  The schedules for the kids do not work well.  They both had to be dropped off at 8:15 and picked up at 1:45.  And their school programs fro the summer are 20 minutes apart.  The joys of having to be in two places at once.  Well, G's program lets out between 1:45 and 2:00.  So, after talking with the teachers this morning, I will be dropping J off first a little early and dropping G off a little late each morning, then picking J up a little early and picking G up a little later.  So they are both offset by a little bit.  Hopefully it will all work out.  Today we have to pick up Josiah's new glasses at the eye doctor at 2:45.

AND my sister and her family from South Carolina arrives today for their annual summer visit (I have 3 sisters and one brother).  They will be here five days.  AND my mom's CD release party is on Saturday--her first CD--a life long dream come true for her.  So it is going to be a very busy week....

The first official day of summer vacation for the boys...

So today is the first official week of summer vacation for the kids.  Well, they actually start summer school on July 5th for 6 weeks, but summer programing is more camp-like than the regular school year.  So this morning we ran errands--We had to go over to the health department to get fill out my monthly transportation time card so I can get paid for June.  While we were there, the boys chatted with their Grandma (My mom works for the health department nursing service in their IT department), and we bumped into the WIC program person.  She had some bike helmets still from the early June bike helmet give away and so the boys got fitted for new bike helmets, which is great as they outgrew theirs last year.  Now I just need to get G a new bike, as his was crunched under the trailer's porch when it collapsed under the weight of the snow this winter.  J's tricycle was unharmed luckily as it was at the apartment.  So now G needs a new (used) bike.  I was going to go down to the transfer center where there is a little building where people can drop off items that are still good that they just don't want anymore. Hopefully there will be a kids bike there. We will have to wait until Thursday though as we just didn't make it there today, as they are closed tomorrow and Wendnesday.

Anyway, after leaving the county building with my card filled out and turned in, and carrying their new bike helmets, we then headed over to the post office.  I finally got another letter from the IRS, and it was good news.  The finished their minor audit/review and will be releasing my refund in 2-3 weeks.  So HUGE sigh of relief as I have been waiting on that refund (which is larger than normal) for a few months now.  As I did not get that jobI had ben in the running for (and no other applications have panned out), this refund is going to be used to pay our living expenses ahead a couple of months to give me more time to generate a way to bring in an income, as the transportation is done once summer school ends.  Jos is going to regular, main stream kindergarten in September, and both boys will be transported by bus.  SO I have a couple more months to get a couple more writing gigs that pay money and are somewhat stable, and find other ways to fill in the gaps.  I could do a money making blog, but I really just like doing this blog, which is kind of like public journaling but with more self-control.  I will have to think about how to do a secondary blog if I decide to use it to generate an income.  I have a few idea of ways to incorporate more income generating things into my website (powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com), but I am unsure how much I want to focus on generating an income that way, as I enjoy sharing things on that website that mean things to me without the added pressure of making money.  While I do have a few affiliate links, they are only for things that I really like and want to share, and some of my links on there have no affiliate kickback whatsoever.  I just like to share things that I have found useful on my journey.  Perhaps focusing on more articles and promoting the website more will generate some semblance of a useful income.  Then there is always the books in progress, but those often take a long time even once finished to get published and start making an income from.  I am not too worried, I will come up with something, God always provides, this is something that I know from experience., and the refund to pay ahead is going to reduce stress greatly in the daily living expenses area.
Anyway, after the post office we stopped over at Community Action to get a food box.  I am worried that next week we will be hard pressed on gas money to get the kids to their programming, as it is another one of those 5 weeks between paychecks months (darn months with 5 Thursdays, they mess up my budgeting).  So I am trying to stretch the funds I have to make it through the 8th.  At least I don't have to drive this week, but I do need enough for next week's 400 miles of driving necessity.  So we again made use of the food pantry. They were very low on food today though, I was surprised.  but then again the economy is not bouncing back very well and here, where summer tourism drives the economy, people are just starting on the summer season.  So I imagine there were a number of families that still needed it this month.  It is also the end of the month, so pickings get slim as you get nearer to their restocking day.  I look forward to when I can give donations again to them again instead of having to be the recipient. 

After that we came home and I put a patch on their blow up pool thingy, then we spent a couple hours of fun with the hose and filling the little pool in the back yard.  The patch does not seem to be holding very well, but that's okay.  I borrowed a hand pump from my former neighbor to blow it up.  At some point I want to find an electric air pump, which will make it easier to inflate every day.  Time to check the free section of craigslist for both a bike for G and an air pump.  I miss the freecycle community from the Ithaca area, what an amazingly active group that was.  I both got and gave a great many things through freecyle.  But alas, this very rural area does not really lend itself to an active freecyle list.  Anyway, the kids had a blast in the kiddie pool, splashing and spraying with the hose.  They played in the water quite a bit longer than I thought they would, as the hose is COLD water.  But they had a lot of fun.  We came in and got dry clothes on, and then the kids watched a video and ate some food.

A mother woodpecker ran into the window and stunned herself.  She has a nest of babies in the woods on the other side of the driveway, and boy are those baby's LOUD.  She and the father woodpecker work tirelessly bringing food back to the whole in the tree for the little ones.  I am not sure how many, as the nest is in a hole in a broken off tree and is over 15 feet up the trunk.  I just know that they are loud and the mother is always collecting food for them.  They have quieted down over the past couple of days, so they must be getting bigger.  Anyway, she was going after a green moth and hit the window hard.  We went out to protect her from the dog and cat, who were both interested in getting a closer look.  She was stunned but after a few minutes she came around, and was more alert.  Nothing appeared broken, and she was not bleeding anywhere.  After another few minutes she flew up to hang on the porch ceiling.  Then a while after that she flew away.  I was glad the kids could see the bird get better.  The other day we came home to a dead robin in the same spot.  His neck was broken when he ran into the window, the poor little dear.

It is now nearly 5:00.  The kids are playing video games, and I was working on entering my food journal for the day.  I know I originally started this blog with food journalling, but I got away from them and less consistent in my journalling.  I decided to start food journaling in a way that game me more concrete information without having to do a lot of digging.  So I starting using Spark People and now I am getting better at keeping track of my food because it gives you a lot of nutritional info tracking as well as calorie tracking and carb, fat, and protein gram tracking.  I can even track my glucose levels and water intake, as well as fitness if I can figure that part out.  So if you want to follow my food tracking and weight loss, it is on http://my.sparkpeople.com/truthfrees

I had gained back a few pounds from my initial weight loss that I started tracking with this blog, but since I started tracking again last week, I have lost over 5 pounds.  So that is a good thing.  I definitely have found keeping track of everything you eat makes a huge difference.  I also am focused right now on keeping my calories down to around 2000 a day, with the hope that after that becomes the norm in a couple of weeks, I will then focus on the 1800 calorie limit my doctor would like for me.  My pre-breakfast glucose levels have also been going down.  Though I forgot to take my herbal and alternative supplements yesterday and I saw a rise in my glucose for this morning, so it seems my combination of supplements is having an effect.  My doctor is willing to let me try this method for a few months, and if it shows good results, she may be less pressuring about being on certain pharmaceutical meds that I do not like the idea of being on.  I told her that if I can not get it under control with diet, exercise and supplements (like cinnamon--that yummy stuff you put on your oatmeal and in cookies, and garlic--another amazingly flavorful food with great medicinal benefit), then I will go on the pharma meds. 

Well, at some point I will get back to the story of how life changed when Jos came homes, which I had
started here : Thinking...Part 4

But alas it has taken me nearly two hours to write this post as I have been stopping and doing things with the boys, and dealing with the sibling rivalry issues that are rampant in my house.  As well as swinging Jos and tickling the boys, and being silly, not to mention the bird thing and just other things that have popped up since I started this post.  So I should end it and start thinking about making dinner...

WOW, some days are just stressful.....

Well, today is one of those days.  G finished up with school yesterday, but Jos still had a regular day today as his last day.  I had to replace the rotors and pads on the front brakes.  I actually bought the parts and my father was going to do it, but he could not get the rotors off.  So I took it to the garage, and it ended up costing $112 JUST IN LABOR as I already gave them the parts for it. I also asked them to remount the tires on the front. as they are wearing unevenly and by switching them around you can get more mileage out of them before i have to come up with the money for new tires and an alignment.  But they said they felt the tires were not good enough so they would not do it, which means I need to ask my brother if he can do it.  And A's brake pads are completely down to the metal.  I don't know why A let them get so far down.  At this point the rotors will have to replaced too, when if the pads had been done a week ago, it would have only cost like $20 for the pads.  I know it is not my vehicle and I have no reason to feel like it is going to come out of my pocket, but in the trickle down effect that I have from A, if something costs A money, I end up "lending" money for gas and other things to make up the difference.  Normally I don't mind giving money to people as I know that in the end, if I need it, they will be there for me as I was for them.  But lately I feel like with my ex, the fair exchange of favors has become very one sided.  For a while, it was working out fine, I would lend A money to get to the next paycheck (weekly) and at the end of the month, A would get it back to me as I needed to stretch to my next paycheck (which is monthly), but lately the amount I give out and the amount I get back are getting further and further apart, which I can not afford.  And A is getting more and more negative again, which just makes me want to scream, because I am trying to get away from the negativity in my life, not draw a whole bunch more in, especially when A has some really great prospects out there right now that should be bringing a MORE positive attitude and feelings.  I suppose it goes back to choice, we each choose whether we focus on the negatives in our lives or on the positives.  I guess today's post is more of a negative focus for me, from me.....something more for me to think about and adjust in my own attitude...

 In order to drop the car off at the garage, I had to have A follow us down, and then ride with A to drop Jos off and then drop A off at work.  Then Gonz and I had breakfast at the diner, and now we are hanging out at the library.  Jos gets out of school at 1:45, but A does not get out of work until 8pm.  So now I have to figure out how to pick up my car, as the garage closes before them. 

It has just been one of those crazy, run around days.  Gonz fell asleep in the car on the way to the bank.  He was a bit difficult this morning for A in the ride down, but I think maybe he was just tired.  I had to keep reminding the boys it was time to go to sleep last night, as they kept chattering away.  An hour and a half after the lights were turned out I still had to go in and tell them it was time to stop talking and go to sleep.  I had to threaten the removal of Jos' book in order to get them to finally stop. (the boys each have book and little led flashlight in their beds after lights out, but usually they settle down within a few minutes and I end up shutting off the little flashlights 30 minutes later when they are sleeping).  So I think they were both tired this morning, and they also get affected by people's moods.  And A was not is a good one this morning.  Having to get to our house and leave 30 minutes early than usual added to it, but it is more about the job.  Working on a total commission base is hard, especially when there is road construction in from of the dealership and thus very few customers.  But A is also looking for a regular, full time position back in human services.  overall pay is less, but it is more rewarding and the income much more stable.  So A is going back to that hopefully.  Then A can get an apartment and move out of my father's house, and start rebuilding a life.  And I can get back to rebuilding my life more solidly as a single person.

So a sigh of relief, and I hope that A gets the new job and that it all works out.  Well, I should spend some time with Gonz, who is playing a game on the computer next to me in the children's section of the library....

Crazy week....

Sorry I haven't posted over the past few days.  I will get back to my story picking up with how life changed when Josiah came home.  But for today, I just wanted to touch base.

Today was Josiah's moving up ceremony from preschool. He even led the procession with his walker. He is walking so well (albeit very slowly, but I love it, and so does he). His class was so cute.  They did sing us some songs, and then the kids were each presented with a little diploma and a special trait of theirs was mentioned.  Josiah was presented as someone who likes to be in charge and be the director of all activities (which can sometimes lead to trouble as the the teacher likes to be in charge too (his teacher said this with a great big grin--my strong willed, amazing little man)).  He did great.  He has a meet and greet tomorrow with the class that will be his kindergarten class.  Most of them have been together this year in pre-k here at our local school, but he has been in preschool an hour away for a special needs program.  He will be in a main stream classroom next year, and I think, after the initial adjustment to it, he will do extremely well.
Here are a couple of pics of him at his ceremony:

I took the boys canoeing this weekend. We canoed from the brook by my father's house down to the lake. We had a little picnic lunch on an island on the causeway, and then paddled back up the brook. The kids loved it, it was a great day. They are ready to go again anytime, so I think we have added another outdoor activity to our list of fun family things to do. It is great because as a kid, my family was always taking a canoe trip somewhere. It is great to be able to do it with my children. I was not sure how manageable it would be for Josiah, but he did great. His balance and ability to correct his movements has gotten great. We had wonderful time.


Here are a couple of pics from that day too (can you tell I replaced the batteries in my camera?):

I'll try to pick up our family story where I left off later this week.  It is a bit of a crazy week though as it is the last week of regular school for the kids.  Tomorrow after the meet and greet, J will have Kindergarten screening and I will have a meeting with the CSE people to finalize his IEP for the fall.  Then Wednesday when G ends his last day, I will meet with his teacher and do a phone conference with our CSE to finalize his IEP now that he has had his adaptive technology assessment done (G has mild CP also and very delayed motor (both fine and gross motor) skills are extemely delayed).  J has school thru Thursday.  Then we have a school break from Friday until July 5th when the summer program starts for 6 weeks.  I was hoping to get out to the Boston area during that break and visit friends and take the kids on a whale watch, but a check that I have been waiting for has not yet come.  So, that will have to wait for a later time, Maybe in August after summer school ends.

Interviews, Incomes, and Ideas....

Well, I had an interview via phone today with a company out near my ex's family.  it seemed to go well and I should hear by the end of the week or early next week if I am invited in for a face to face interview with the next person up the chain.  If that goes well there will be a final interview with the director of that division of the company.  And if that goes well, I may have a fair paying job, so a move of nearly 5 hours would have to commence and we would have to start the process of finding the right schools for the kids, and hopefully getting into an area where they are easy to work with as a team and not an "us and them" attitude school district.  But anyway, I made it to the first step in a potential job process.  Getting back to my career after four years away from it is an exciting possibility.

 As much as I like the way the schools have worked out for the kids here and that I enjoy being with family, and enjoying the peace and serenity of the mountains, there are just no jobs in my field here.  And the jobs that I could get outside my field barely pay above minimum wage, and few are year round.  So, I while I am doing fine now with the driving thing, that ends with the end of the summer school year in August.  I do not yet make enough in my writing to consistently support my family.  I grew up in a situation where we lived hand to mouth, barely making ends meet even with growing most of our own food, heating with wood, and not having things like hot water or consistent heat.  I know what it is like, as a child, to not be able to do or have the things that other kids have or do (and I am not talking big things).  While I do not begrudge the way I grew up, it made me a more resourceful person, and helped me to appreciate what I had and do have now.  I do not want my children and myself to live in the constant state of extreme stress that it can cause.  As unlike growing up, I rent instead of own and have no way to raise chickens for eggs or have a large enough vegetable garden to grow a years worth of food for preserving.  So the stress would be incredible in meeting basic needs of shelter and food, in addition to luxuries like heat, hot water, and electricity.  (I was 15 years old before we had hot water at my house, most of my childhood water was heated in pots on the wood stove and poured into the tub for bathing, or the sink for washing dishes, etc..).  Yes, I could spend some time fixing the old trailer we moved out of last year and thus live essentially rent free with a small wood stove to supplement heat, and I COULD make each dollar stretch as far as I have to.  People, friends and family members, do it all the time.  It is amazing how little you can actually survive on (my last 3 years adjusted gross incomes were less than $10K as an annual income for a family of 3, so it can be done, its just very stressful).  And if I have to do it (as we had to for various reasons), then of course I will and will find the joy and appreciate that I need to in that situation.  But if I don't need to do that...if the kid's additional care needs no longer NEED me to be a stay at home mom....if I am qualified for a higher paying job and can find one....If I can move to an area with more opportunities and still have loved ones around to help with the kids (that is the biggest thing, as you need family and friends support around)....if I can find a better situation than just surviving...shouldn't I do that? 

So, my idea is to blanket out my resume (more of a Circum Vita as it is four pages long these days and list only selected things, so it really is a CV not a resume) to a wide variety of jobs that I am qualified for, would enjoy doing, and are in an area that makes sense on a number of levels.  I also think I will pursue the idea of going back to school through a couple of programs that I still have time to apply for.  Having been out of the loop for so long at a mid-level career experience level makes it difficult to reenter the workforce without going a different avenue.  So I have a bunch of ideas that I am working on and sending out feelers to see what comes of it.  Of course, I plan to continue writing, and hopefully that will eventually translate into a self supporting hobby.

Day 26--What a glorious day!!

The sun is shining, the snow is melting, the pond is over half way clear of ice, and I had a WONDERFUL time walking around the pond this morning (5 laps again so over a 1.3 miles).  I was able to do a walking meditation, some prayer, and repeated, life building affirmations.  So I started out well.

I then came to the library and have worked on filing an application for a bio/phar freelance writer (which will hopefully give me a somewhat steady work flow for writing assignments if I get accepted).  Now I am just updating this blog. 

I have actually not eaten anything yet today.  That is very odd since I am always a breakfast eater, and here it is nearly lunch time and I have only had water.  So I need to go remedy that.  I had to use my computer to check bank balances as I was out of yogurt and stuff to bring with me, and with my normal large monthly check arriving today, I am eeking out the last of the month's money until I can get the mail and put it in the bank.  Also G's CSE meeting is this afternoon, and a is picking up the kids.  I was actually going to try to take the afternoon and evening for myself, but I have to go home to the post office and the bank in order to get the money in.  So I won't be finding some event down here in the city, oh well...

Day 17 (right?)

Sorry for the over 24 hours without an update (I know I don't have you waiting on the edge of your seatrs, but it is fun to pretend...). 

Okay so yesterday just was a really long day.  After I got hoem I had a letter from the state tax department sayign I am being audited this year (I had expected an audit fromt eh federal, but I figures the state would be fine).  So now I am going back to HR Block on Friday (as I signed up for audit protection as I knew the federal would likely be flagged--anytime you have a major change in your income and refunbd status you risk being flagged).  I just had been planning on  my state refund like NOW, and was surprised that they also have chosen this year to aduit.  So more stress on top of a stressful day. 

Last night I got a call that we were having my Mother's birthday party, half an hour before we were supposed to be there (her actual birthday is today).  So that was an unplanned thing, but it was fun. 

We had a yummy roast, mashed potatoes, and salad.  then cake and ice cream for dessert.

It was an overall stressful day though, so I am still feelign quite tired today.  Today was also a crazy day as after dropping the kids off to their schools (over 50 miles away) I had to turn around and come back to our home school district for J's CSPE/CSE transition and CSE meeting for next year.  I was a few minutes late for it.  It was a long meeting (nearly 2 hours by the time I got out of there), but I thkn it was aproductive meeting.  J will be in our home school for Kindergarten, in the only K class they have, and this year's class only has 6 kids in it.  He will get a 1:1 aide for specific times (~3 hours a day) and they are aware of the physical assitance he will need to transition from wheel chair to walker, walker to regular chair, chair to floor, etc.... as well as the toileting assistance (you can't expect him to toilet himself when he can not stand without holding on and has only one good hand, I tried to pull my pants down mimicing 2 bum legs, poor trunk balance, a locked left arms and having to lean using one good arm to do it--trust me, he will figure it out before I ever will).  So the joys of being cogitively, socially, and emotionally "normal" in a body that is tripelegic.  But he does work hard.  the 1:1 aide will also assist him so that he can participate as much as possible in regular PE,l which I think he will love and will help motivate him in his efforts towards independent mobility.  He is sucha  gem.  Overall the meeting went very well.

After the meeting I ran home, let the dog out, did a 2 second check of my email and gathered up J's swim things and headed out the door with just enough time to get back to his school and pick him up for his weekly aquatic PT session.  I did swing into Nice & Easy and grab 2 slices of pizza and bottle of water onthe way down for my lunch on the go.  I should have planned better and made a PB & J sandwich, but alas I did not. 

So now we are home and I am making a meat loaf for dinner.

**UPDATE**
Just a quick update to finalize food journaling for this day.  I had meatloaf, rice, and corn for dinner, with a little ketchup on the meatloaf.  I also had 4 oz jiuce and a bunch of water.  I DID eat a few jelly beans in the later evening.

Day 2--mid day posting, some rambling, some food to report

Okay so a somewhat productive  morning, but I did spend some time discussing pi vs tau with my best friend from college.  Pi is my favorite mathematical constant, and there is a bit of a movement to use tau instead of pi when teaching about geometry, as tau=2pi (sorry for the lack of actual symbols).  Anyway, it was an interesting (and short) discussion of that amazing constant pi.  I guess it could be considered productive, as it brought some joy and fun to my morning, and joy is ALWAYS a step in the right direction.  So, revise my initial statement--I had a productive morning!!

Anyway, I got accepted into writing for Writers Access as a freelance level 3 writer, so I will be able to get some assignments through them for some income.  It takes a while to get a freelance writing gig up to the point that it can support a family.  I am hoping by the end of June to have built my reputation and skills up enough to actual bring in a decent income.  So being accepted at a level 3 (out of 5) is a good step, as it gives me chance to build up to a five, and thus have access to more lucrative assignments.  If I can get a few more freelance places to accept me, I should be able to build up to the point of not needing to get another source of outside income by the time this transportation gig ends in mid-August.  I will continue to write for Associated Content now that I have gotten back into it, and will continue to update my website (www.powerfulconsciousness.weebly.com) and this blog, as those I do for me, and doing things like contributing to the world by sharing my life, insights, and ideas brings me great joy and increases my overall wellbeing, so that is more important than the income in the long run.  (Don't get me wrong, making sure I can support my family is extremely important).

Okay so, now for the food journaling for the mid portion of the day.  For lunch I had a bottle of water, a 12 oz container of my homemade chicken and rice with white beans and carrots soup, and 2 cheese sticks. I had to eat the soup cold because I have nowhere to heat it up, but it was still tasty even cold.  I also had a handful of salty almonds for a snack.

After picking up J and heading for G's school, I was reminded that I am not a good mother sometimes.  You see, Sunday was G's b-day party, which we had at party palace in the mall.  J likes to ride on those little machines you put the quarters in at the mall, and he had asked if he could ride the helicopter.  I told him that on the way out we would stop if we had time, and he could ride the helicopter.  Well, by the time we got out of the party palace, we were running late, as A was riding with us and had dropped the Jeep off at work, so that we could all ride together, and A had to be to work soon after the party.  So we had to drop A off at work and there was no time for him to ride.  I promised him that after I picked him up from school on Monday, we would stop over at the mall and he could ride the helicopter before picking up G (we have a spare 20 minutes in addition to travel time that we can use, and J's school is very  near the mall).  Scatter brained as I can be sometimes, I forgot all about it on Monday, and I think he did too until after dinner when he brought it up.  I told him to remind me for today, and that I was very sorry that I forgot.  Well this morning on the way to school he reminded me about the helicopter, and I filed it away in my brain sure I would remember.  But alas when I picked him up from school, i forgot again.  We headed out and got on the highway.  20 minutes later as we are getting off the highway, he asks me if we are almost to the helicopter.  My heart broke, he trusted that that is where we are going as he HAD reminded me in the morning.  And by that time, we did not have time to go back down and get back in time to pick G up from school.  When I told him this and apologies profusely for breaking my promise, he looked so sad.  Not that temper tantrum kind of sad, or that bratty screaming sad.  This was real, heartfelt, sad disappointment.  He accepted it, but I feel like I lost his trust, and that makes me feel very ashamed.  Never promise a child something unless you can carry through, broken promises can hurt for a long, long time.  And the loss of trust lasts even longer.  I will take him to the helicopter tomorrow; I can't believe I forgot today again.  But I could see it in his eyes, it will take some work on my end to get him to trust what I promise again.  I try to be very careful with that, and this time I blew it.  I pray that he can forgive me and learn again to trust that what i say i am going to do is what I am going to do.  Well, I have to make dinner for the us, I'll blog briefly again later.