Warm days and clean carpets and family roles...

So it has been lovely weather (aside for the persistent rain or drizzle every few hours).. The kids and I actually wore shorts yesterday for the first time.  Today was touch chillier, so even though G and I had shorts on early in the day I had him change into pants for the afternoon.  The kids were so cute this morning, J was sitting on the toy tractor and G was pushing him around the dandelion filled yard ( I LOVE dandelions, seriously, I think they are happy and beautiful).  So it was a gorgeous morning. 

Starting last night and finishing up this morning, I empties all the furniture out of the living room (except my blanket chest and some stuff I had in the corner behind it as no one has been in that area for months and I had no where to move it to).  I did all this so that the floor was ready for a steam cleaning.  Magic Carpet, owned by my mom & step father, did a beautiful job.  My step father is very good at making hopelessly messy carpets look 1000X better.  So, aside from a problem with miscommunication causing grief between my mother and I, it was a good day. 

For some reason I have miscommunication problems with family, most other people in my life seem to understand me, but if email is involved (and half the time even face to face conversation) there is bound to be miscommunication somewhere, and this one started our as a miscommunication face to face (talking about a particular thing which related to carpet cleaning, but somehow the two got tied together), over five different conversations (where I had hoped to unhook the two ideas), and I tried to do one final clear up via email to my step-father, and made it go from bad to worse--so there are days I feel like i am cursed when it comes to communication with my family.  Because how can something as simple as discussing a carpet to be cleaned lead to five confusing conversations and a final email that is meant to clear up the confusion, thus causing hurt, anger and more confusion.  But, well it is family, and I will keep trying to express myself more clearly. 

I am loquacious (in case you hadn't noticed by the volume of my writings), and so I do have a tendency to be confusing (as so many different things relate to each other in my mind, but not in other peoples minds, and I tend to talk about more than one idea at a time--which leads to the unplanned wedding of a couple of different things, which I have trouble undoing.  So I need to keep working on myself and trying to find a way to communicate with them more effectively.  Perhaps other have had issues with my communication but have just never reacted drastically to it.  Most people tell me I have good communication skills and convey my thoughts well.

I suppose when it comes to family, well, they are a whole different ball game.  In an article called "Branching Out: Going home for the holidays can mean getting stuck in old family patterns -- or growing into something new."  By Sally Kempton in the November 2010 issue of Yoga Journal (page 55-61), she states "If you think you are enlightened, go visit your family."  She talks about how when you go back to your family of origin, you are wrapped in all of the joys and sorrow, successes and failures, pride and disappointment, and all of the other experiences that you had gone through together.  Later Kempton said, "Memories, rivalries, and disappointments are only a piece of it. More basic is the forced encounter with parts of yourself that you thought you outgrew years ago, and the equally insidious confrontation with the ideas that family members have about who you are."

This idea has been set forth by many people.  That your family of origin can never really see or understand the person you have become, because their unconscious expectations of you (and yours of them) are rooted in many of the growth experiences from your growing up.  The buttons that you have were mostly installed by the family you grew up in, so they are more likely to push those old buttons or, if you have worked on deactivating some of those buttons, they may just expect you to react a certain way and react accordingly.  I have a not so unconscious expectation that my mother can not understand me, and can never fully know who I am.  Much of this comes from her telling me that she just can't understand me as I went through my teen years, and her often frustrated exasperation about how I am so much like my father.  Which was exasperating to her, as she never really did understand my father.  I find it to be a compliment mostly as I adore my father, and I know that he is one of only a handful of people who truly has a mind that works the way mine does (not that we think the same, as we differ on a lot of opinions about a wide range of topics,  but rather the way we process and use information, the pattern of our thought processes, is very similar).  I have come to understand that our particular pattern of thought processing is fairly unique, which is why i have taken to explaining things in detail when trying to convey information, as I find people used to have trouble following me.  In college I met my friend Lisa and we shared this unique way of processing, so I loved our conversations, no need to explain the weird jumps we made.  Others would be so lost, but we got each other, and it was such a rare and wonderful thing.  I miss her, as it has been a long time since I have talked to her, just because life grew us apart. I still keep in brief touch through email and her husband's facebook page (she is too busy to have one of her own), but I long for a nice long conversation over lunch.  My best friend from college, Kay, who is still my best friend now nearly 19 years later, has known me long enough and spent enough time with me, that she can usually follow my weird conversational jumps without me having to use a segway, which is pretty amazing too.

Anyway, away from that aside, I was saying, there is a large body of articles and papers out there regarding this phenomenon with adults dealing again with their fairly of origin and finding so many old road blocks and relationship discomforts coming to the forefront.  I believe it does have a lot to do with old memories, buried feelings, expectations based on a persons behaviour from years before, and the inability to mesh the newer identify o the person onto our preconceived notions of them.  Lord knows that when I can step back and try to look with new eyes, I learn a lot about myself and my family member that I just couldn't see before.  I think my communication difficulties with my family speak to both my perception of them (or more honestly my perception of their perception of me) and of their perception of me (or their perception of my perception of them).  It is all very confusing and exhausting in so many ways. 

I have many times in the past year, wondered about how wise it was to try to move back home after 17 years of living as an adult on my own (or with friends or near certain family members--basically living away from home). 17 years is a long time, and a person changes a lot in 17 years, not at their core, but how they express and experience, and share that core changes greatly in that time.  Now, only 2 years back home, and without a social life outside of family and far away friends (anyone that tells you raising two kids with special needs does not drastically alter their ability to have a life outside of the kids sure does not have my kids--it is extremely isolating, especially the medical issues when they are very young (J) and the behavioural issues of autism which do the opposite of improving with age (G)).  But as J gets older and G is trying as much as he is able, I am hoping that the tide on this will begin to switch soon.

Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the past two years living at home (well in my own place, but it is such a small town, it is nearly the same as moving back home with the parents) I am finding that much of my sense of self and my self-confidence has been eroding back to that teen-age level, and as I have very few fond memories of my high school self and had less self-confidence than you can imagine (like many geeky, flabby teenagers), this is not a desirable direction to be moving in.

So my communication ability with my family seems to be reverting back to those old levels, where I always felt misunderstood and alone, and I think this is God's ways of opening my eyes to the regression that I am undergoing.  It was this weird, month long communication glitch with my mom, which I do not like as I really like the friendship my mom and I have and have been continuously building, that has made me look inward at what is going on with me.  I think it may be time for me to move on again.  To stand back on my own two feet without worrying about what other people think of the path that I take.  To get back to reclaiming myself and building an amazing person instead of reverting slowly back to that person that i did not like.  To move forward and build strong, respectful connections with my family based on the incredible (though never perfect) person I know I am not the teenager I used to be.

There is actually a lot more I would love to put down on paper (like the analogy of quicksand and living in this particular limbo, the harder you try to fight against it the faster it seems to pull you down, so needing to calm down and focus on finding a stick that I can reach to pull myself up with), but I am really tired and I have to get up early to try to put the furniture back in the living room before I wake the kids.  The floor takes 12-14 hours to dry, but the air is so damp it is taking longer than I had expected. 

So I am off to bed now.

Just touching base

To my faithful readers, however many you may be (one, two, twenty...), I wanted to touch base and say i am still here.  I know it has been a few days since I last posted.  Last week blogger was down for almost 3 days, but it has been back up for a couple of days and I have not been posting.  Sorry about that.

Last week the kids were out sick both Thursday and Friday.  They both had fevers, cough and clogged heads.  They still both have post nasal drip and Josiah is very congested, though the fever part is gone.  J has been having a neb treatment before bed and his inhaler before school to help keep him clearer.  G is much less affected, though he also seems more tired.  poor G slipped in the tub last night (he was trying to get on his knees from a sitting position, so it was not a horrible slip) and bumped his cheek bone hard on the side of the tub.  He was NOT pleased about having ice put on it to minimize the hurt, especially as he had just been in a nice warm tub.  But he didn't look too worse for wear this morning, a little bruise but no swelling.  I told him that this was why I tell them no horseplay in the tub, and he looked at me strangely and said "I was not playing like a horse".  Mr black and white.  I tried to explain that it was an expression about playing by jumping around and spinning and acting crazy silly.  But still this morning he was saying he wasn't playing like a horse.    So I don't quite think he got my explanation.

I have done very little writing these past couple of weeks.  mainly because I have not been able to snag any of the first come first serve assignments at Writers access.  I should probably check first thing in the morning before I wake the kids up, but usually it is nearly 10am when I check and any early morning assignment have been snagged.  And then it is hit or miss through the day.  I should be concentrating on writing for Associated Content or writing for my website, or concentrating on getting some other gigs, or maybe even writing my book ( I have two in progress one non-fiction and one science fiction).  

Instead I have been spending a great deal of time applying for jobs in a variety of areas, considering going back to school as I have never had this much trouble finding a job.  A problem with a few things--being out of my highly technical and fast paced technical career for over 4 years (and thus 4 years behind on technology which changes rapidly); being over qualified for most positions that require a B Sc degree and NOT having a MSc degree to back up nearly 10 years of experience; and thirdly, the fact that I am not wholeheartedly committed to getting back into laboratory research even though that is the extreme bulk of my experience and qualifications.  I have toyed with the idea of training for a different profession for a long time, of answering a calling that has been on my heart for over a decade, that I have managed to ignore.  So I am starting to look into that path a bit, as it seems many of my other paths are not open to me.

Obviously I am keeping a very open mind.  I have not heard back yet about the farm opportunity.  I have not yet had any responses to the resumes I have sent out for a variety of biology jobs in a variety of places (yes, I think staying where I am is really not possible, there are no higher level jobs (I could keep going as I have been doing a bunch of inconsistent odd jobs with little overall dependable pay--the bulk of which could be earned over the summer) or I could move (thus starting the process of finding the right education opportunities for the boy s again--for which G is particularly difficult and the one most drastically affected by any move we make) and find a consistent, regular job with adequate pay, or I could see if there is still time for me to get my application in for jumping into an educational program which would take me down a new career path, which would again necessitate moving unless I do an online degree program, however, with hat comes expense and the possibility of having to take out MORE student loans, unless I can get a grant to pay for it (which is possible if I stay in NY as I have never used my TAP grant).

So I am still flittering around in that limbo of indecision.  A place I have spent far too much time.  In one of the many books I have read recently (I can't remember which one), the author talked about how id you are in say Las Vegas and want to get to Los Angeles, but don't know exactly how to get there, just a basic direction, if you head in the basic direction and keep going, you will eventually come to Los Angeles, even if you don't know specifically how to get there.   You just commit to the direction and keep moving that way, you will get to your chosen destination. However if you set out in that direction half heartedly, and change your mind and start heading in a different direction, and change your mind again and try to get back to Las vegas, and change your mind again and start on a different path, you could literally wander in the desert for a LONG time before you reach anything like a fulfilling destination.  The sucky part is that then you are always traveling, struggling at times to deal with surviving in the desert (sound familiar doesn't it--like Moses and the Israelites...), knowing that there is place for you, somewhere you need to be, but without having committed yourself heart soul and mind to moving towards that "promised land" no matter what obstacles, then you will forever be lost, wandering in the desert of fear and indecisiveness.  Which is kinda where I am...

There is much more I want to say about that, but it is Wednesday and J has Aquatic PT so I need to go pick him up now...

What a beautiful day!! Changing the way I think...

Today there is truly not a cloud in the sky.  It is a brilliant blue and incredible.  I had a great walk around the pond this morning.  The water was lovely, the new bright green grass, the emergence of a variety of colorful flowers.  I enjoyed over 5 trips around the pond and went out on the boardwalks the go through part of the marsh.  I reveled in the red wing black birds, the ducks, the turtles, the frogs, the robins, the pigeons, the fish, the water itself---it is exhilarating to enjoy this amazing creation.  Life is definitely better when you focus on that which is beautiful.  As it says in Philippians 4:8 (NIV) "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

There is great wisdom in Paul's words in the above verse.  People throughout history have conveyed the same sentiment many times--the idea that the things that you focus on can and do effect your life in profound ways.  Throughout Philippians 4, Paul talks of being gentle, living by example, and holding on to faith in Christ.  As I have been moving through an intentional transformation, with some steps forward and some steps back and a few steps sideways, upside down, and inside out, and a couple of episodes of just sitting down...well you get my drift....I am finding that to truly change anything in life, one must change the way your think first.  This is both harder and easier than it sounds.  Harder because we are creatures of habit, and habitual thought patterns require as much commitment to change as our physical habits do. 

In order to quit smoking, having all the strategies in the world are not going to help you quit until you are committed to being a non-smoker.  When I made the final decision to quit smoking before I became a parent, it was unlike any of the other times that I had attempted.  Usually when I said I was going to try to quit, it was a half hearted commitment, usually focused on a good idea, like the desire for better health, the desire to smell better, the desire to not spend so much money,the desire to breathe better, or whatever other of the many reasons that I could have come up with.  But until my commitment was full, until I was just "trying" to quit smoking, until I could get my mind, heart and soul committed to the idea of being a non-smoker (not a former smoker, or someone who had quit smoking), it was only then that I was ready to quit.  You could say I "did it for the kids", but that was not it, no excuse is big enough to warrant a habit change.  It has to be a commitment.  I have known many who "quit for the kids" but then they sneak smokes when the kids aren't looking, they smoke at work but not at home, they didn't really quit smoking, they just quit smoking in front of their kids.  Which is admirable, as kids are less likely to pick up the habit if they do not have significant exposure to it as an okay lifestyle habit. But they have not quit smoking nor have they become a non-smoker. 

Once we decided to adopt, both A and I stopped smoking in the house.  Before we ever had a child living in our home, our indoor home environment had been smoke free for over a year.  And the combination of factors and internal decision making that made it possible for me to truly become a non-smoker did culminate with the arrival of my first son.  I smoked my last cigarette at the airport before boarding a plane to Texas where I would spend a week with my son (we had spend time with him in Texas prior to this so that he would know us and I went out a week ahead of his fly home date so that it would ease his transition some).  Since that cigarette, I have smoked only two cigarettes.  One when A's brother's baby (our niece) was born with massive special needs and a very poor prognosis (the drs were surprised she made it through the birth).  And once when A started drinking openly again in May 2009 after Matt's death (two weeks prior to A's mother's death), and after we had already been through one round of relapse, lies, belligerent meanness, and steps back to recovery in 2008/early 2009.  Neither time was satisfying for me, and so it was not really a decision not to smoke again, I just don't feel the desire to smoke.  I am not an ex-smoker who craves a smoke or has to battle against the desire to light one up.  With my commitment to quit smoking, as it was an internal change, not just an external one.  When I put out that cigarette at the airport, I knew it was my last one.  I barely remember a withdrawl period, I do not remember having strong cravings even during those first few days, and know that any fluttering of a craving or a desire to have a smoke were short lived and not strong. I had gone not from being a smoker to being a smoker who quit, but from being a smoker to being a non-smoker.  It was not the desire to quit that helped me change the habit, but it was the thinking of myself as a non-smoker.

Why am I still jumbo sized when I am an intelligent woman who is well versed in biology and understands how to eat and exercise correctly?  Why do I still carry around nearly double my ideal weight in excess adipose tissue?  Is it a lack of understanding of the health risks associated with carrying around excess weight? no.  Is it a lack of understanding of how carrying this excess effects my daily life and physical ability to move? no--trust me with knees like mine, I understand acutely the physical pain that carrying too much weight causes with each step I take. I do know that I WANT to lose weight, I desire to be a healthy weight, and I know the steps that I need to take.  And I can say and think that I am committed to attaining as healthy weight.  But there is one thing that will always tell you where your ACTUAL commitment is.  What you are Truly, at a spirit level, committed to doing.  And that is reflected by your actions.  I have not lost my excess wight because I am not spiritually, mentally, and physically committed to being a person with a healthy body.  I focus on what I do NOT like about my body or the situations that being in an unhealthy, overweight body bring into my life.  By focusing on what I do not like, I can not focus on the opposite, loving myself and my body.  Until I can see myself and accept myself as a healthy, slim, fit person, it will be harder to change my habits.

Each step towards a healthier, fit, slim body brings me one stop closer to changing those internal habits.  Then my thinking can change increment by increment.  Everytime I make the choice to select a healthy food over a less than healthy food, if I do it because I am focused on my desire to be healthy and to live better, then I am one step closer to changing that internal habit.  If I make that choice because I am fat and an trying to lose weight, then I am NOT one step closer to changing my internal habits.  Even though the external action is the same, and the external choice is the same, the internal, lasting change is not present.  Which is why people can lose a lot of weight, and go off their diet and gain it all back.  They have not changed the way they think about their body, their self image, or their habits. Sometimes even when we start out not focuses on changing the internal, as out body changes, we start to love what we have become, and start to love having a healthier body, and so our internal focus shifts from negative (hating fat and out of shape body) and into a positive habit (loving being healthy).  It is the shift from focusing on the negative and battling against it, to focusing on the positive and reaching towards it. 

Attitude and focus are vital to changing.  This is why working on mental, physical and spiritual aspects of ourselves is vital to enacting lasting change.  Without a connection to God, without the Source bringing energy to my spirit there would be no reason to keep trying to change myself, my community or my world into something better...there would be no reason fro transformation.  And the help that I get from my God in my transformation process is invaluable.  so I will continue to strive to focus in "..whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  Because that Spiritual teaching helps make me, my family, my community and my world a better, more excellent, more noble, more true, more right, more pure, more lovely, and more admirable place.

Focus carefully....

Day 53--There is great joy to opportunities....

There is an amazing thing that happens when you have been focusing on something that you have wanted for a long time and suddenly an opportunity that MAY bring you close to it enters your life.   The same thing that brings apprehension and fear, along with joy and anticipation, excitement and amazement.  If this potential opportunity does come to fruition in my life, it will be bigger than the biggest dream that I have had for this aspect of my life, and also come with great responsibility.  Transformation....changing the experience that I have here, the way I view and interact with the world, that is what hopes and dreams are about.  So why is it so nerve wracking when a potential opportunity presents itself?

I have an interview on Sunday (I know it sounds like an odd day for an interview, but it works out perfectly).  If the interview goes well and they like me and I like them, and we can negotiate an agreement that is useful for both sides, then I could potentially become the live on manager/farmer of a very large 950 acre organic sustainable farm.  They are ready to make the farm into a working farm that can financially sustain itself and everyone working on the farm.  And, as they have other obligations and do not need the farm to support them, they would like someone with vision, ideas, some experience with agriculture, and a desire to farm.  I replied to their ad on a whim and told them about my background and desire to farm )in a professionally written way, not like this exactly), but that I had not done any large scale farming and our little family farm growing up was just to support us, though it was organic.  I did work in agricultural research at Cornell for over 7 years, but it was not organic farming, it was commercial and basic research, not practical application.  I also talked about my wonderful time at ECHO (www.echonet.org) where I volunteered on a working demonstration farm for 7 months.  It was that time at ECHO that reawakened my desire to have living/working farm.  They are interested in meeting with me--this Sunday. 

I never expected a response, not that I did not want one, on the contrary, this is an amazing gift even to be considered.  It makes me so excited, and such a high energy good feeling is never detrimental.  I have so many ideas for taking a farm forward--farmers markets, u-pick operations, potential contacts with NYC restaurants (via the owners who used to co-own a restaurant in NYC), pasture raised poultry for egg production and sale, a section of the farm set up as a public demonstration farm for sustainable backyard farming, possible retreat opportunities, etc...  there is so much that I can envision with a farm so large.  So while it is extremely exciting, it is also a daunting, and scary in some ways....

There is a part of me that relishes this time that I have right now, where I really do little of impact on the world, have responsibility really only to my own children, and really am just surviving.  To step forward and even entertain this idea, it would mean a life of meaning and purpose, risks and successes,  things that work and things that do not, and multiple responsibilities to self, family, and many others.  I think my greatest apprehension is in the fear of failure, the fear of letting others down.  But in that also lies the greatest possibility for creating something great, something that can help others and be amazing for me and my family.

The idea of raising my children on a farm, eating mostly food that we have grown ourselves, the health aspects of living that lifestyle, the amazing adventures we can have just in our daily lives....well that is the most wonderful anticipation possible.  I have in depth understanding of how much work it takes to farm, and the idea is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

So that is where I am this week.  Preparing mentally for this interview on Sunday, and enjoying the up part of the whirlwind of emotions.  I have enjoyed walking around the ponds this week (did I mention that the farm that I hope to manage has many ponds...so I would have new ponds to enjoy on my morning walks), and am enjoying the beautiful  flowers that have been blooming all over.  Today is chilly (around 30 degrees this morning, now up to 37 and a drizzly cloudy day), but it was a nice walk around the ponds at the big park.  The ducks are always beautiful.  The willow trees are really setting leaves now, and with a mix of yellow and green, they look really cool right now.

Day 50--seems like the last 30 days have not been well focused...

Well, I started off well on my first 80 day challenge, but let stress and life stuff get in the way of creating a better, more healthy me over the last 30 days or so.  Now we are on day 50.  The great thing about life, is that each day is a new day.  Each day is a day to start over fresh if you want to.  Even if you make a lot of mistakes one day or for a whole week, or a whole month or a number of years, each day you can wake up and know that you can start right from where you are and begin anew.  You don't have to wait for something to happen or some event to transpire, the change we seek is within ourselves, the power to choose is a gift we are born with, the great gift of God, and you can choose at any moment to change your direction.  Even if it is one you have been headed in for years. 
So it starts with a breath.  A decision to take one step in a better direction.  A choice to choose peace over retaliation.  A choice to choose a healthy breakfast over a non-healthy breakfast.  A choice to reach out to in prayer and rely on the Source of all creation or to keep depending only on ourselves and stay disconnected.  A choice to speak a word in love to a family member or to speak out in frustration or anger.  A choice to follow the calling of our hearts or to stick to the "safe" road that we are on.

Today is a new day.  I have new neighbors living in the other half of the house now.  I can no longer pretend I have a house to myself as with the other half of the duplex rented, I have to actually keep the kids toys and such out of the way, tie the dog on a cable when I let her out (she is used to having full run of the yard, but she is unpredictable around strangers and other dogs, and is very barky, so I have to keep her tied out my end of the house), and actually have to make sure I am not in front of a window when changing my clothes as I am so used to just flipping my shirt off and putting my pajamas on wherever, but that might be a shocker to my neighbors.  What is the good of living in the very rural mountains if you have neighbors right on top of you? :) 

I have been dong a lot of research on starting a small farm.  I grew up on a small farm, and would love to have a small organic farm with pasture poultry for my children and myself, and sell some of the produce and eggs as well as using them for my family.  I have often looked into this over the years, and as I get older (I know 36 is not old, and that is exactly my point, why wait until you are too old) the desire to be living on my farm grows daily.  When I lived in the Ithaca area I looked a a couple of hobby farms, but at the time I did not want to commit the resources.  Now I am not  in a good financial place to do anything, and not in a good area to make money to get out of my financial pickle to begin pursing my dream of a farm.  But I decided rather than look at what I can not do right now, I can take time to look at what I CAN do, and what I CAN do is learn, read, study, and prepare myself for the day when I will start farming myself.  I have spent a lot of time in agriculture.  I grew up on a small family organic farm (no pesticides or chemicals--unofficially organic).  I studied biology in college.  I worked in two different agricultural research lab groups at Cornell.  I volunteered for 7 months at a demonstration sustainable outreach farm in Florida, bridging the gap between research directors.  I even had a small backyard garden and apple trees in my house down near Ithaca before I moved back up here. 

Ask and it is given...

I seek a farm, a place to raise cage free chickens, grow vegetables, and have some fruit trees.  An opportunity to allow my family to get back to the basics as I grew up.  A way to share both what we grow and what we learn with others through farmers markets and offering educational demonstrations on the farm.  A chance to learn and grow as a farmer, an environmentally conscious person, and a spiritual being.

That is where my focus has been for quite a while.

The basics of my day today.  I enjoyed a long and joy filled walk and walking meditation around the pond today--5 laps.  The number of people walking around the pond is increasing as the weather improves.  I enjoyed my time at the library, studying farming stuff and seeking new writing assignments.  I enjoyed the wonderful report for both boys today, that they had very good days at their schools.  I had a small breakfast sandwich this morning with a cup of coffee.   I had yogurt with oatmeal for lunch, and a small bag of popcorn.  And  lot of water.  I also had some grape pomegranate juice.  I had toast with PB for  a snack when we got home.  I made a nice meat and bean chili for dinner, which we had with a slice of bread and butter, and water to drink.  I had seconds too.  I ate some jelly beans in there somewhere too...

I am going to go to bed here pretty soon.  I have some cleaning that I need to do tomorrow while the kids are at school for a one time job (did some yesterday, will do some a couple of days this week--at a retirement home, some spring cleaning of hallways, windows,yard clean up, etc...), which is good as every little bit of $$ helps.  I hope to write again everyday...see you tomorrow!

I know I have not been writing every day....

Wow, once you get out of the habit of blogging everyday, it is hard to get back into it.  Today was a good day.  While I have feeling very tired these past two weeks, I am concentrating on everything improving as each day goes by. 

I have been unsure what to write about.  This blog has not gone as I had planned.  I fund that I have been more just myself, letting it all hang out, rather than being just positive or just sharing what I feel is useful to others.  It truly has been more of a journal.  however, I found myself posting more and more negative things.  All I have focused on studying over the past couple of years points to the idea that focusing on the negative brings negative experiences into our life.  And focusing on the positive brings positive experiences into life.  I have experienced this many times even before I had really starting reading about it.  Most people have.

The idea that our attitude shapes our life is well taught in many psychological and philosophical ideologies.  As I have read more books lately, the spiritual perspective of this is amazingly powerful. Christ often referenced this idea, that what we focus on is what we get.  As I have been trying to apply this more and more to my daily life, I find it being more and more evident.  When I focus on what I am truly thankful for, I am abl3e to see more clearly a greater number of things to be thankful for.  And circumstances, people, and events takes place more often that make me want to say thank you.  And when I focus on what I lack or what is going wrong, it seems to me that more and more things appear to go wrong or I can find more and more wrong with my life.  The more I focus on what I love, appreciate, and am grateful for, the more experiences that I am aware of that make me feel love, gratitude, joy, and appreciation.  Pray continually, as St. Paul states, and you will find that you see/hear/feel God more often in your life.  It is truly an amazing thing.

So I found that as I blogged, and I let whatever I was thinking about just plop out, that I have a lot of negativity under the surface, much of which I have allowed myself to be blind to.  So i am going to work more on learning where my negative blind spots are, and changing those experiences, those feelings about particular situation or event or person into a new frame, reframing it to something that is real and positive, or at the very least neutral.

Sometimes that things we experience are not bad, but we perceive them as such.  A quote I love by Wayne Dyer is "Change the way you look at something and what you look at changes."  I have heard this sentiment in many teachings, but I like that phrasing the best. Blogging is helping me see my blind spot I guess you could say. 

I look forward to blogging daily again.  And starting tomorrow i will get back to doing my daily food journal, as I have been out of practice lately....thanks for reading!

Well, Spring Break isw over, and we are back in the swing of things...

So here we are, nearing the end of April, and the kids spring break from school is over.  They headed back this morning, so we are back on our routine.  Or rather we are adjusting back to our routine.

I went for a very nice walk this morning at the big park (the one with trails through the woods) instead of around the pond.  Most of the trails are dry now, and the ducks have returned.  I even saw a couple of turtles today too, which made me happy.  It is in teh 50's today, which is marvelous.  Three or four days of april break we snowy up home, so it is nice to get back down here to the fresh greeen grass growing and the flowers.  This week we are actually getting into the 60's and possbily might hit 70 for the first time this year. Maybe those stubborn snowbacks that still take up half the driveway and block our access to the yard will finally melt away.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want for my life and today really nailed down the five things that I want...

1) Paid in Full--all debts, loans, people, etc... paid in full
2) Good health and habits (mental, physical, and spiritual)  for me and my children
3) A Farm, even a small one, where I can raise pasture raised chicken eggs and vegetabes, to be self susstaining and to sell for meetin our other needs.  The time has come for my farm.
4) Healing the relationships with my family members
5) Friends, that I can connect with, have a cup of coffee with, a conversation with, and just share life with...

And Some days you need to just breathe, and today  is a day for breathing.....so that is what I am doing.  I will post again soon....

Day 32--I think, i will actually have to go back and count that out again

Well, I have not weighed myself since last week, and was going to do it this morning, but I was distracted by the power being out, and thus forgot.  Luckily it was only out in my town and when I got down the hill (i.e. the mountain I drive down everyday), the lights were on in the rest of the towns I passed through and there were no delays at either of the boys school.  It is going to be strange next year when I put the kids on buses and do not make this drive every day.  Granted I have through august that I will be so it is till about 5 more months of driving.  I toyed with the idea of having the bus transport for the summer program, but for consistency I will drive until the kids start the next school year.  J will actually be going in town to the local school.  It will be interesting to see how well he does there.  I am looking forward to it.  J is going to do great.

Spring is doing wonders for my life.  I LOVE the walks every day.  Today I did 6 laps about the pond today while listening to the Audio file from "The Secret."  The birds are beautiful, the people fishing around the pond, and I saw a groundhog hanging out in a grassy area.  The daffodil have begin opening, I am so happy.  I love daffodils.

As for my food journaling today, I had sausage egg and cheese on a bagel, a cup of coffee, a bottle of orange juice, and a bottle of water.  I also had a can of Star Bucks Mocha thingy early this morning.  It was WAY TOO sweet. 

I enjoy spring...I enjoy possibilities...

Another day, another new start

Each day is a new start.  No matter how bad the day before was, there is always something new in a new day.  It is a new chance to realize that THIS day is the first day of the rest of your life.

"Why is my life filled with all this stuff I don't want?!?"  "Because you're insane!"  From an audio program with Wayne Dyer.  It was exactly what I needed.  He was making the point that we have the choice, we have to ability to focus on what we want or what we don't want.  When we focus on what we don't want we bring that into our lives and the more we focus on what we don't want, the more we bring more and more of that reality into our lives.  So if we are looking around seeing that our lives are not as we know they should be, then we need to start looking at life differently.  We need to start looking at our blessings, focus on the things we have that we do want, that are blessing for us.  As we do, more and more of those things will grow.  To focus on what you do not want, and thus bring more of that focus into your life, that IS insane.

As I have been working with a number of these ideas of focusing on blessings, focus on what I want and appreciate in my life.  It definite spirals, either up or down, depending on what I focus on.  As I focus on the things that make me miserable, I become more miserable.  As I focus on what happened in the past, it just repeats itself again.  That means that I have the power, I have the God given ability, to create my reality, to create a reality I like or a reality I don't like.  It is my choice, it is my focus.  So after letting myself get bogged down in anger, fear, self pity, and regret for the past couple of weeks, it is taking me time to break out of this negative mode.

A was fired form the convenience store yesterday.  The cycle continues, and perhaps it is my focus that has contributed to it, as with A out of work,  I end up dealing more with A, A can't move out of my father's house now, A can't see what role they played in this.  "I was fired for no reason".  When A gets into one of those modes I know that verbal yelling and emotional abuse about how everyone else has ruined A's life, and I am primary target of that.  SO when A came over after being fired, I was supportive and then asked A to leave as I was not in a space where I could deal with this right now.  Which of course set off a tirade about how I had no reason to feel badly about my life and how I had ruined A's life and on and on.  A doesn't get it, it is the verbal and emotional abuse whenever anything goes wrong in A's life that is one of the primary reason I left (especially as it is worse, so much worse when A is drinking).  So anyway, it was not an easy evening, but it made me realize that I am again drawing negative experiences into my life.  It is time, and I am ready to turn that back around.  I have been focusing too much on the negative.  I have focused too little on the positive.  I have focused on what I don't want rather than looking forward and focusing on what I do want.  Each day is a new day to decide to look forward, to move forward.  Each moment you can change your mind.

I am enjoying this Healing with the Master's series, it's free and it is ongoing, and it is amazing.  It is exactly what I need to help myself focus on the person I am becoming.  On the person I really am.  It helps greatly in my transformation.  My body truly is a reflection of my interal life, my mind, my spirit.  It is the visible, physical manifestation of how I Am on a deeper level.  It is the transformation of who I AM on the inside that is affecting the who I am on the outside. It is good...change is good...life is good...I chose today to focus on the positive.

Food journalling--yesterday, as I did not write.  I had a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant, some tater tots, coffee, and orange juice, and water.  I had yogurt and dried fruit for lunch.  For dinner we had spaghetti and then I had raisin bran with milk for a late snack.

Today I have had sausage egg and cheese and tater tots and coffee and water.

I also walked at the other park today.  As differs from the pond with its level gravel path, the park has all sorts of trails through the woods, uneven ground, rocks and roots, up and down.  So instead of walking the level path today, I spent 45 minutes walking some of the trails at the other park today.   I'll write again later...

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda....

I have been dealing with a very annoying and extremely persistent round of the "shoulda woulda coulda" monsters.  A few years ago (for a period of a few year, so not a fleeting thing) I had reached a point in my life where I had no regrets, where I could look at the journey my life had taken, the good and the bad, the decisions I had made, the mistakes I had made, the things that I had been done to me that I had no control over, the things that I had control over and allowed to happen anyway, the dreams I had followed, the dreams I had walked away from--all of those things that had made up my life, that had brought me to that point were things I was willing to accept and welcome, as I could see how they made me into the person I was at that point.  As much as I hated some of the paths my life had traveled through, I was proud of the person I had become, and looking forward to a bright and successful future.  I will not go into it all, as it was amazing and alot, but....

Prior to that period of time and after that period I had those runs of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"--those things that I wish I had done differently, the choices I wish I had made differently, those things that I was too afraid to do and those things I just left undone. When I get a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" going, I normally am very good at reflecting on my accomplishments, reflecting on the things that I would never change about the life that I have--overall I am usually very, very good at sliding that "shoulda, woulda, coulda" aside and accepting my life as it is, knowing that both the good and the bad brought me to where I am today, and that the person I am today is who I am and who I want to be....

This weekend though, sometime Saturday afternoon or evening, my mind started on a round of "shoulda, woulda, coulda"  that is being more difficult to overcome.  Seven years ago I was doing cutting edge research at an Ivy League University in a lab headed by a truly top notch scientist.  I was presenting and publishing papers, working with people from all over the world.  I owned my own house, was in control of my debt, and very active in my church.  I had a lot of friends, a great group of people in my life that I could count on and that could count on me, and I had the respect of my family.  Now I am not that person..... shoulda woulda coulda.... I gotta let it go

Day 23--moving on

It has come time to move on.  I have finally gotten a call back from my family member and we spent a good long time talking today.  When you have a few layers of miscommunication, and each attempt adds a layer, it takes a while to get down to what the real issues are.  I was right, the little issue that should have been a simple conversation about miscommunication was truly a simple misunderstanding.  But it WAS the underlying more problematic issue that was complicating matters.  Though I was the one that saw it as underlying and they were considering it THE issue.  Which was one of the other layers of miscommunication.  I was trying to address the one simple communication glitch to get a simple answer, and they were dealing with that as on off shoot of the other issue.  Well, needless to say, it was a long and difficult though very beneficial conversation.    I was very glad to finally clear that up.  It is going to take a while to let go of the residual emotions, and of course let go of the places where we do not agree.  It was time to move on, I had already made that decision before the conversation.  So it is providence that we were able to have the conversation that makes it possible to move on fully.

Okay on to food blogging.  I had a no real lunch just a handful of dried cranberries and two graham crackers in the car.  I had a cup of water after getting home.  We had box macaroni and cheese with a hot dog for dinner, I supplemented with left over brown rice and snow peas with butter salt and pepper.  This evening I have had two pieces of toast with butter.

Day 23--Good Grief!!

Good Grief!!  I forgot to do my weigh in again.  I know you are probably thinking that I am afraid of my weigh in given the emotional eating pattern I have had over the past few days.  I have actually made it to almost noon and have not cried today, so that is good.  I did spend a lot of time with my feelings last night and this morning, I have done some exercises to let things go.  I was actually able to sleep last night and meditate a bit this morning.  So, slowly the fog is clearing, and I am moving back up the emotional ladder.  Acceptance is sometimes a very  hard thing, but it is part of letting go and moving forward.  So i have accepted this situation, forgiven myself and my family member for each of the roles we have played.  I let my sister know that when she is ready to talk, that I am ready to as well.  And that she can take whatever time she needs.  So, I am at a better place with all this.  No, the situation itself has not changed, and there is still a lot of work to do no both of our parts to heal this rift that has opened between us, but I am finally okay with the rift, I am okay with the situation.  It is what it is, and in time all wounds heal.  So I am taking some steps up the emotional ladder, and waking up my life again after a few days where I have been separate from it. 

As for my title and the expression "Good Grief"  yes, grief can be good sometimes, as it can awaken us to areas in our past that are hidden and embedded and may be causing trouble without us realizing it.  While the past 4-5 days have been emotionally horrible for me, without the grief that I felt, I never would have discovered the lurking lack of forgiveness in an older situation that I had left behind.  So as long as you don't get trapped by it, grief can be good when you look at the big picture.

I still have not quite gotten my eating under control again as I went to McDonald's for a Sausage McMuffin with Egg, hash browns, and a medium coffee with cream and sugar this morning.  While that is neither good for my health or my finances, I am at a better place within myself now.  Tomorrow I will be back to my yogurt and oatmeal, and back to breathing more freely. 

If you are wondering about the Emotional Ladder, it is a concept from the writings for Esther and Jerry Hicks.  It is well detailed in their book "Ask & It Is Given".  The 22 rungs of the ladder (levels of emotion) are from 22--Depression/Grief/Despair up to level 1--Joy, appreciation, love.  I seem to have left the book in the car, as I was reading it by the pond this morning.  I have read it before and actual have to book on CD as well, so it is one that I find extremely helpful to read again and again. I will provide a link to the book in the right hand column, and by next week will move it to my website page specifically designed for my readers of this blog who want to know more about things that I mention here.  That page is forever a work in progress and will be updated regularly.  It can be found here.

day 19--the end of the day, the end of the week...

Well, as odd as it seems, after such a raw day, I had a peaceful, gentle evening with A and the boys.  We cooked dinner together, which is a rarity, and when we have such nice times it is easy to acknowledge how much I do miss A.  There is a reason we got together, and all the bad things do not negate the good things in our relationship.  We made burgers with ground chicken, oatmeal, egg, and spices, and they came out great.  I chopped up some fresh potatoes for french fries,and we all had a yummy and nice family dinner together. 

A knew I was upset about this whole drama idiocy going on with a certain couple of family members, and so it was nice to just have a very pleasant time together.  A did ask to spend the night (and sleep on the living room floor as A has done before if I need A here for the boys in the morning) after the boys went to bed and I said no.  Lets enjoy the good evening of friendship we are sharing, and focus on our friendship.  I also pointed out that with bronchitis and a sinus infection, sleeping on my floor, getting run over by the cats and dog who sound like a herd of elephants chasing each other around the house at night, and then being woken up by the boys at 6:30 in the morning, then having to work from 3pm to 11pm--well, it would just not be taking care of yourself to do that.  So A went home, and I am getting ready for bed. 

I think I am going to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.  I am somewhere in season 2.  I like netflix, I get to watch shows on my time, and don't have the pressure of having to catch a program at a specific time.  I watch so little TV (aside from the kids movies that the kids watch) that there is no point in having cable or satellite anyway.  Netflix is perfect for my lifestyle.

Okay so a final blog about my eats today.  I had a chicken sandwich from Stewart's and 1/4 of a little single serve bag of sour cream and onion chips (J's favorite and he ate the rest when I picked him up) and water, of course, for lunch.

For dinner I did eat 2 of the burgers on wheat bread--they were SO tasty, and some home made fries, a banana and a cup of milk.

I am about to have a bowl of shredded wheat with a banana and milk for a snack while I watch my show.  That's it....

Have a good night all...

Day 19--Aggravation and forgiveness

Okay, so a few weeks back I had been writing about forgiveness (a little on my blog but wrote an article about it as well, which can be found here.)  It is probably not really something that most people would blog about, as it is an interpersonal conflict, but I have found that writing about struggles can help open my eyes to a different perspective, and I write about it publicly becasue I know that I am not the only one that struggles with these type of issues, so maybe knowing you are not alone, AND seeing my mental processing in print may help someone else find a way to resolve their situation.  I have not really found a way through the issue that was presenting itself.  There is a secondary issue in this situation which for some reason seems to be entwined with it.  The secondary issue really should be a no brainer as it is a basic miscommunication somewhere, but all of my efforts to repair the miscommunication in the secondary issue have been met with resistance and childishness, and the absolute refusal of the other party to try to discuss this (which is why I believe that the longer standing issue to being intertwined with the secondary issue unnecessarily). 

As I have grown more and more aggravated with the situation, which I did try to deal with very diplomatically, professionally, and without undue emotion, I am just reaching my wits end.  I am so frustrated and it is destroying a very important and valuable relationship that I have with one of my siblings.  I am at a loss as to how to proceed.  As some of the problem started over verbal miscommunication, I tried to clarify in writing via email.  I received a very nasty email back which was confusing to me.  So I very carefully wrote a professional, diplomatic email detailing what my confusion was, what I had thought we had agreed upon, and why I would like clarification.  I heard nothing for weeks.  I tried to ask in person if my email had been received and tried to ask if they could provide clarification, but was told that it was the wrong time to discuss it and that I have to talk to the other half of the couple.  So I was even more confused, as I felt like it was being treated as an argument and not a miscommunication. 

Finally this morning in my exasperation about the whole situation, I called this person again to ask for him to please respond so that we could resolve the matter.  His call back to me was that he would not respond and was too busy.  And that maybe he would call when he had time to deal with me.  Now I am positive it is about a LOT more than the actual issue at hand.  But for some reason neither of them is willing to talk with me about it.  So I feel like......well I dont' know what I feel, confused-hurt-flabbergasted-mindboggled?  Why is there all this drama surrounding what should be a simple issue?  Why is the former situation, which I thought was resolved and we had moved past, still making a mess of a much simpler miscommunication issue? 

Maybe I am drawing it to myself.  Maybe I really have not forgiven my family member for the choices that she made that I feel did so much damage to so many members of my family.  Maybe I need to find a way to forgive myself for feeling the way I do about a situation that is in the past.  I honestly thought I had forgiven and moved on, but with this issue current in the tension, I find that I can not separate my feelings about the past from their judgement and treatment of me now.  I feel like I stood by her even when it was traumatic and painful and potentially fatal, so why can't she stand by me when it is merely annoying and slightly uncomfortable?  It makes me go to that place that screams "I deserve to be loved too!"    I know that may seem weird to some of you, but we all have those weird places we go in our minds.

I have had a lot of ups and downs in life, have struggled with clinical depression, and have overcome past trauma.  I spent a lot of time working on those feeling of self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence.  A few years ago, I finally broke away from old friend doubt.  I know, without a doubt, that God loves me as I am, and always has and always will.  I know without a doubt that I am lovable and worthy of being loved.  And I know without the need for outside input, that I am whole and complete just as I am. yes, there is always room for improvement, but I am who I am and that is perpetually the best being that I can be at the moment, and it is good.  So when I suddenly have old, nasty self-deprecating feelings, or the need to defend my right to be loved, I know something is amiss.  I do not have any need of defending something that is just a given.  So it tells me how much this situation is clawing at the recesses of my heart, mind and soul.

What is challenging  me the most is that absolute refusal from the other side to try to find resolution.  I don't know how to work through interpersonal issues without an interpersonal dialog of some sort.  I feel trapped in this weird cycle of aggravation leading to my own inability to forgive when being shunned for a similar issue which leads me to more aggravation because I want to forgive.  So perhaps this is here, now because in order to move forward in my own transformation, in order to find and accept healing from the Universe, in order to grow spiritually, I need to dig out the old, hidden junk that is hiding in the closest of my soul.  It is not up to my sister or her husband to create the forgiveness that this situation needs.  I am starting to really realize as I write this that it is ME that needs to forgive, to find a way to make peace with myself in regards to that old situation, and to find a way to let it go.  That is what I have to work on.  That is what I have to fill those dark, dank corners of my soul with light, and bring them before God.  I have not been able to let them go on my own, I have just buried them. 

So meditation, journaling, maybe even blogging about those impacted crap parts of my inner self will bring light where there is darkness, and allow me to find why I am holding on to them, and be able to release them from myself.  How can I heal the outer relationships when the inner relationship with God and with self is filled with crap?  For now, I need to let the outer stuff lie there.  I can't fix what is wrong in it.  I can only fix what is not right within me, and then bring that repaired, freed person to the table when the time is right to heal the conflict in our relationship.

Well, that is where I am today.

And if you are following the food journaling and wondering how the heck I am going to lose 80 pounds in 80 days when I ate McDonald's yesterday and am having a grip fest about things in my life--well, mind over matter is what I am hoping for.  But again it is not about the weight loss (regardless of the name of the blog), it is about the whole person transformation, of which weight is a small, but externally measurable, part.  So for today:
I have had a bottle of water, a med coffee with cream and 1 sugar, and my standard vanilla low fat yogurt with oatmeal and dried cranberries.

Day16--Breathing, breathing

WELL!!!

It has been one of those days...ya know one of THOSE days....

I have spent most of the morning on the phone with six different doctors offices.  Transitions specialists is never easy, especially when you have a primary care doctor who is at the office (at our center) one 1/2 day a week and serves hundreds of children in four different health centers, but is the only pediatrician within 40 miles of home?  I am VERY seriously looking for a new primary care doctor, and maybe I will go with a family practitioner, as all of my choices are limited. 

So basically the ball is now well underway for the switching to the new neurosurgeon--that was the easiest set of phone calls of all.  I thought that the switch tot he new pulmonary doctor was going well, but on double checking the new one has not received his records and the old one will not accept a request over the phone from me, but would from the doctor, however the new doctor has a policy that they never request records and told me to have my primary doctor call the old one to have them sent, and well the challenges I have had with the office staff there have been mind-blowing and are long in frustration.  So I am actively looking for a new primary for the kids so that there is some semblance at least of continuity of care.  SOMEONE who will actually read the reports from the specialists and put them all together to consider the entire child--that is what the primary is supposed to do. 

So I was frustrated earlier to the point of tears.  So I went over to the pond and finally most of the path is melted, so I walked a couple of laps around the ponds.  There were a few ducks, about 5 robins, a red wing black bird, and flock of geese flew over head.  The brook by the pond was completely free of ice and the pond is starting to melt.  So spring is here (today is the first day I have seen a robin).  So that walking, breathing, and recognising the signs of spring was all very helpful.  It is necessary to refocus and rebalanced my core, my spirit.  I am now at the library and listening to some subliminal audio stuff.  Every little bit helps.

So, for food journal...
I ate a vanilla yogurt with one packet of oatmeal (instant) and dried cranberries mixed in (I've given up trying to cook the oatmeal without anything to cook with, so I just mix it dry into the yogurt, and it works beautifully).  I also had a bottle of water.

After my lovely (ack!) conversation with the final doctors office before I had to walk away from it for a while I did give into my emotional eating issue and on the way to the pond stopped to get coffee (which I had planned on) and gave in to a little single serving bag of pork rinds (which I had NOT planned on).  So a little slip, but I did resist the urge to stop a fast food place and down a thousand calorie value meal, so that IS progress and I will celebrate it.

For lunch I have left over potatoes and ham and carrots in the car waiting for me.  With a bottle of water of course.

And I just burped and can taste the pork rinds, that is a flavor that sticks with you for a long time.....blech.

Weekly Weigh in Week 2

Okay, so I know you all wanted a picture of my feet on the scale, but alas my camera batteries were dead this morning when I went to take the picture.  I WILL buy batteries today and take a pic tomorrow morning to show how incredible just journaling my food intake has been (without being super strict with what I eat--yes I think about what I eat, but as you have seen, I have not really been "dieting").

So dadada, this morning the scale said 291lbs.  That is 8 pounds lost from last Monday's weigh in and 14 pounds down from my initial weigh in on March 14th.

So a Total of 14 pounds in 14 days!

So technically I am right on track for my 80 lbs in 80 days.
However, I do know that most of this weight loss is the first stage, which is loss of my stored glycogen.  I have written an article (warnign I did not proffread well before submitting it so there are a LOT of typos) on this which you can rad by clicking this title:
Glycogen: The Reason to Rejoice in Losing "Water Weight"

So, as I am probably just about out of stored glycogen (well I know I store new every day, but I am talking the massive amounts I have been hanging on to for a while), now I can start burning stored fat.   As fat is more than twice as energetic as glycogen, AND is not stored with massive amounts of water, it is actually going to take more actual effort on my part to keep the numbers going down. 

I am just so happy that I am off to a great start.  That Journaling my food intake honestly has actually STOPPED me from eating some things when I really was not hungry.  These two weeks where I have been focusing more on why I eat and just observing what I eat have been very helpful to me in determining what my negative food habits and negative food relationships are.  Because I am now clear that I eat to bury anger, I eat more than I want to even when I am not hungry because I hate to "waste" food, and I have this "because it was there" eating habit going on, now I know three of the primary mental/emotional/spiritual places that I can start from. 

I truly believe that aside from those few extra pounds that people tend to gain and lose and gain and lose, if you are overweight, the root of your problem is NOT that you are eating too much--THAT IS A SYMPTOM of a much larger issue in your life.  Just focusing on eating less or dieting is not going to bring the lasting change you are seeking.  There are underlying feelings, traumas, and buried ingrained ideas and habits that you are carrying that may not be in your best interest.  The key to becoming healthy is to recognize that it is ALL parts of you that need to work together.

So I am solidly in a good feeling place, having lost 4.6% of my overall body weight in two weeks.  I have a clear set of three non-physical areas that I can consciously work on to support my goal of achieving a healthy body, mind, and spirit.  And I have a handful of tools that I can use to work on those areas including:
Prayer and meditation; EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique); Breathing exercises; and Letting Go (I have added a few links on the side to some books and stuff that I find helpful to me in these). UPDATE:  I am adding a page to my website so that I don't have a ton of stuff in the margin of this blog.  So check out this page Useful Resources to explore futher. (note: I'll take the links down later when I have more time as I have to leave now and have not finished adding links ot the website page.)

I also have spent time researching what vitamins and herbal supplements can help support my body and help control my blood sugar while I go through this transformation process.  Supporting Mind, Body, Spirit, and emotions is vital to effecting true change.  I am so glad that I have committed to this journey.  And I am glad that you have chosen to walk beside me as I go forward!  Welcome to my world.

Day 14--hair cuts, hydrocephalus, and Anticipating tomorrow's weigh in

Well, the evening went alright.  I had to give G a hair cut as his hair was just getting out of control.  I had figured I would do a simple trim with scissors, but alas G has  LOT of sensory issues with his head.  The joys of autism....

So what was going to be a quick trim before bath turned in to a full blown hair cut with the clippers because he moved at the wrong moment while I was trimming and ended up with a nearly bald spot.  So then, it was a bit of a wrestling match to get him to sit and calm down so that I could quickly buzz the sides and back of his hair and then a backwards buzz on top to keep the top a little longer, like he likes it.  It came out nice, but it takes SO MUCH out of both of us to do a full hair cut.  He is okay with the clippers as long as they have a guard on, but terrified of them when I have to take the guard off to clean up the back  neck area and his side burns (for an eight year old he has the most amazing side burns--and always has).  He is getting better as he gets older, as it used to take one person to hold him and the other person to quickly buzz his hair.  We had a friend/neighbor who owns a beauty shop and she was really good with him, though even there we had to double team him.  He now will sit fairly still, and let you do it, as he is realizing that it will be done faster that way.  But the tickling hair makes his squirm too, more that most people would.  Over all though we got a good hair cut and then he got int he shower, which helped get all of the little bits of hair off.

J asked me if I would cut his hair too, but I told him that I am out of energy and I would do his hair later this week.  His hair does need a cut, but where G's hair is straw straight like my own (must be the shared Native American blood in us), J's hair is made up of those amazing little, tight spring curls as he is mostly African American.  So doing J's hair requires more energy, creativity, and slow work than buzzing G's hair off.  And as J does sit patiently while you work on his hair, I enjoy taking the time to think about what style would be good for him.  I am really tempted to grow it longer and see what we can do with it, but it is already getting very difficult to pick out each morning, as it forms mats overnight. But both boys have amazing hair.  G's is actually darker than J's hair.  G has jet black straight hair, and J has dark brown curls.

I had a little cry tonight after the kids went to sleep.  Sometimes you just need to cry.  I hate it when the kids are sick, it brings back memories of sitting by J's hospital bed during our numerous ICU stays when he was a baby) and wondering if he was going to make it.  I had a moment of that tonight, because even though he is getting through this cold/sinus/URI, his temperament has been really off--very moody, very changeable--it makes me worry about his hydrocephalus.  I have been trying to find a neurosurgeon closer to here, as his neurosurgeon that did his original surgery and that we have had do all the follow ups is now 8 hours away.  So, now that I am 99% sure we are staying here at least for a few years, I think it is time to find a neurosurgeon closer to follow J.  I had done some initial contact over teh last few months, but have yet to set anything up. Last year's appointment showed a possible increase in ventricle size, but he was showing no symptoms, so the doc recommended that we seek out someone who specializes in static hydrocephalus to follow him.  I have worked on that some (it is not a common speciality). I think I will be working on that more tomorrow, to get him an updated CT scan and in to see a new neurosurgeon.  He should not be this moody, even when sick he is usually not moody.  And as personality changes, particularly moodiness, is an early warning sign of increased pressure, I am feeling very strongly the need to have him checked out.

I did sit by his bed and pray over him for healing for a while. So I feel confident that the Spirit will lead me to the right people for him.  So tomorrow will be productive in that direction.

It is now time to head to bed.  I will just update the food journal as to what rounded out my day....

Dinner was Tuna Helper (generic brand) doctored up with left over veggies and some extra pasta.
And my evening snack was 1/2 sleeve of whole wheat crackers with cream cheese.
And I had a cup of tea and a glass of water.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh in, it should be interesting...

Day 9--Night is slipping by and so is my wakefulness

Okay, so tonight I am just going to mention what I ate, as that has been my promise to myself, and it is a promise I intend to honor.  Usually I like to write more, because losing weight is not just about dropping pounds, it is about how you relate to your world, including food, and how your body uses it, in relation to your mental, emotional and spiritual states as well as your physical one.  If weight were truly just about calories in and calories out, no one would be fat, because they would only eat what their body told them it needed.  So, I blog about my life, my thoughts and my feelings.  Usually.  Tonight, I just honor my promise and then go hit the sack as I just spent 4 hours writing a short (450-550 word) article on Little League starting again around the country.  Why it took me so long to find what I wanted and then write a coherent piece about it I will never know.  For an $11 article, it sure took a lot of time.  I hope I'm not coming down with whatever J and A have (A is sick too, was sent home from work early...).  A went to the health center as the boss required, and was told it was contagious viral bronchitis.  So, for J that means a lot of nebulizer treatments, rest, and fluids, and hopefully he will come through this without too much trouble.

Okay, so now I am rambling as usual--I already told breakfast thru lunch, so I will start with the afternoon.  I had Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt for a snack at 4:30pm, then we had ziti for dinner.  A had brought some Ginger Ale for J, so we all had a little with dinner (which I really should not do--its like drinking sugar).  J decided not to have his fruit roll up so I ate that after they went to bed (I really am trying to work on this "don't throw food away" mindset that was drilled into me as a child).  I also had some microwave popcorn, and then had a small piece of cake.  Why I had the cake I don't know, I was not hungry for it, I did not actually enjoy it, and I am puzzled over the unconcious way that I got a piece of cake and ate 3/4 of it.  When I search my brain, the only answer it gives me is "it was there".  So, yup, a victory, I found another deeply ingrained brain pattern that is stalling my ability to attain complete health.  So its time to write an EFT script and work on it.  I promise i will write an article introducing EFT soon, as I know I have referred to it often in the blog and some of you are like "what the heck is EFT?". I have it on my list of articles for the week, so stay tuned. 

Well, I am off to bed now.  Why the little league article consumed my evening I am not sure, though actually it maybe was because I was also listening to a broadcast of Healing with The Masters, which is going on every Tuesday and Thursday night from March 8-May 26.  I missed the actual broadcast but since I was signed up (for free) I have access to the taped version.  I was listening to James Redfield talk tonight (author of the Celestine Prophecy, which I first read over 15 years ago, and reread about 5 years ago--GREAT book).  If you are interested, check it out at http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/

Too much of an attempt to multitask I presume.  No more audio programs when writing articles.  Multitasking is one thing, but being mindful is often necessary as well, and writing about little league while listening to a spiritually enhancing audio file do not mesh well.  Multitasking is best when done with similar tasks....

Day 7--It is a NEW day...

"Today is a new day.  I am starting over today."
I take that quote from one of the visualization tools from the secret (www.thesecret.tv).  During the week I usually try to focus myself each morning after getting the kids to school by using the visualization tools.  They are essentially visual affirmations to help focus thought and intention in a positive direction, to increase your feel good feelings and to help you begin your day in a better frame of mind. 

I was thinking about those two affirmations this morning.  Today IS a NEW day--it is fresh, it is the chance to start over again, to let go of what happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, or even 20 years ago.  It doesn't matter what has happened before, what has been done to you or what you have done that brings you shame.  Today, right now, you have the power to make choices--choices about how you are going to feel, choices about what you are going to focus your thoughts and energy on, choices about what actions you take.  Even if you are bedridden by disease, housebound due to infirmity or mental issues, incarcerated due to bad choices made on a different day;  Even if you are sitting there looking at a stack of debt, losing your house, and wondering how you are going to get back on your feet;  Even is you are enjoying a cup of coffee on a beautiful deck surrounded by a gorgeous view and a loving and stable family, and everything is going great in your life--- Today is a NEW day, a day  that you can choose, by changing your perspective (or keeping the good perspective you already have had) to focus on positive things in your life or about yourself.  A new day to start over and start walk TOWARDS what you want instead of spending so much time and energy focusing on what you do NOT want. 

So, as with the gift we are given every day--I am STARTING OVER today...starting over with my attitude, starting over with where I focus my energy, starting over with my relationship with my children, starting over with my relationship with money, starting over with my relationship with food, and starting over in my journey to a more healthy life--body, mind, and spirit.

So before I go to my gratitude journal (maybe I will do that as a blog at some point, but for now it is in a paper journal, there is a totally different experience in writing with pen and paper as opposed to typing), I will journal my eating habit today...

I have had one bowl of raisin bran with milk, and 2 cups of black tea.

I'll blog again after lunch....

Day 6--Weird day...

I can't go into all the weirdness of the day, but I wanted to make good on my promise to myself to publicly journal my eating.  So at nearly 12:30 at night (technically day 7, but reporting day 6)...

Breakfast--reheated coffee with half and half and 1 sugar around 8am
A's sister wanted to take us all out for breakfast, so I had coffee and the kids had a light breakfast of cereal as we were going to meet for breakfast between 9-10am

However they slept in and did not call until after 10:45am, so around 9:45 the kids and I had a banana each.
at 11:20am we met for brunch at the diner
I had 2 eggs over medium with 2 sausage patties and 2 pieces of rye toast with butter, and a cup of coffee and a glass of water.  I also shared some of A's home fries.

After brunch A's sister headed home for her 4 hour drive.  And we came back to my house.  A had to leave for work at 2:00, but got to hang out with the boys and play some video games.

I had a bowl of Kid's Peanut Butter Crunch (like generic capt crunch) with milk around 3:00pm, and the kids had a cereal snack as well (they seem to be addicted to dry cereal sometimes).  They also had some slim jim type snack sticks (the tiny ones) and I had a small portion of Ziti.

 Mom stopped by and we had coffee as well around 4:00pm.

Oddly we ate dinner late, around 7:00pm.  We had some of the ziti that was left over from last night and G ate some of the meatballs.  After dinner, the kids had peaches for their snack, and after they went to bed, I had a piece of left over birthday cake.

Then, instead of blogging or writing, or doing ANYTHING productive, I sat down to check out G's new video game--Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  A's niece (adult) sent birthday gifts up with A's sister for G as it was his birthday last week.  So G had presents from his aunt and his 2 cousins (the lawyer and the doctor--pretty amazing family to have two young ladies (still in their 20's) already with high degrees, and a son in college studying prelaw--A's sister is amazing).

So one of the gifts G got was this new video game, and I like to play them ahead so that when the kids get stuck, Mom knows what to do.  most of their games are really simple s(as they are 4 and 8) so I don't really play them too much ahead, as I can figure them out as they go along if the kids get stuck.  But this one was a little more complex,so I wanted to get through a few levels.  Which is why from about 9:00pm until 12:30am I have been sucked into the game....

And now I am eating another bowl of cereal with milk, and have emptied almost 3/4 of a 2 liter bottle of seltzer water throughout the evening.  And I am exhausted and ready for bed.  I know, I actually have a rule about eating after like 9:00pm, but I broke that rule tonight.  It is definitely time for sleep, after I let the dog in so she does not turn into a doggie Popsicle.  I was so happy with the spring weather this past week.  It is now quite cold again and was spitting snow earlier.  however I have seen geese flying overhead, have had to dodge squirrels and chipmunks on the roads, and the dog has been finding a lot to bark at.  I believe that spring has officially and literally begun (and these last few cold blasts over the next month will just have to be tolerated...)

Happy Spring, and Good night...